"I really don't think this is such a good idea," Buffy Summers worriedly declared from the small crowd clustered together in the exclusive London private clinic corridor, all of them easily hearing the fierce growling coming from behind the closed patient room door.
Rupert Giles peered over his glasses with evident exasperation towards the Slayer apparently getting cold feet. "Do you want to do it instead?"
A very nervous expression instantly appeared on Buffy's face, as she stammered, "Ah…ah…no thanks!"
Smiling, the elderly woman at the forefront of the crowd patted Buffy's arm, telling her with accompanying kindness, "Don't worry, love, it'll be all right. Now, let me have a look at her, shall I?"
This lady in her mid-eighties then opened the patient room door and went inside with calm confidence, in spite of the fact that once she'd entered, the growling had instantly deepened into a savage, continuous snarl of absolute deadliness.
The entire remaining contingent of Sunnydale veterans consisting of Giles, Buffy, Dawn, and Xander took a prompt step back from where Faith Lehane-Wood was lying upon her bed in the room, nine months heavily pregnant, and from the murderous sound of things, more than willing to tear out with her bare hands the throat of the entire universe for doing this to her.
Several hours earlier:
Inside the classic 50's Rolls-Royce Phantom IV limousine inherited from the estate of Quentin Travers, the previous Watchers Council director, Xander asked incredulously, "You had us fly here — me from Nairobi and them from Rome — just because Faith's gonna have a kid? News flash, Giles: that has a tendency to happen when people get married or, you know, when they don't even bother with the whole wedding thing!"
From where they were sitting together in the extremely comfortable leather seats on their way from Heathrow, Dawn nodded in fervent agreement. Looking over at her older sister now possessing a truly grouchy scowl on her face and apparently not paying any attention to what Xander had just said, Dawn elbowed Buffy in the side to bring her back into their conversation.
Distracted from her sulky indignation that not-so-dearly-departed Travers had owned a freakin' car worth way more than their Revello Drive home back in Sunnydale intermixed with vicious satisfaction this was finally the New Council's car to be used for necessary Slayer purposes now instead of belonging to those arrogant British morons who'd gotten blown up by the First Evil just over a year ago, Buffy glowered at Dawn and the rest.
She snapped at Giles seated with them in the rear passenger compartment, "What's the big deal, anyway? Yeah, I'm happy for Faith and Robin, but why did we have to come here in the first place? I thought the baby's not due yet, even if Faith's going to be a Slayer Mom like Robin's own mother."
"Yes, well," Giles replied to Buffy, giving into the sudden need to remove and polish his glasses, before continuing, "While in the past assorted Slayers conceived, bore, and delivered their children just as Nikki Wood did, Faith has been the first one to do so since Willow activated the entire Slayer line during our battle with the First Evil on the Hellmouth. This seems to have caused an unintentional consequence, since other currently pregnant Slayers have reported the same worrisome effect that Faith is feeling the most strongly what with being the furthest along in her condition."
"What effect?" Dawn blurted out in her sudden upset, barely beating an equally alarmed Xander and Buffy at hearing this disturbing news.
Sighing and replacing his glasses, Giles told them, "Faith has become extremely overprotective of her unborn child, refusing to have any stranger near her, even the nurses and doctors overseeing her case. In the Cleveland hospital where she was being checked, Faith even threatened in her own words, 'the next asshole who comes at me with a stethoscope is gonna get it shoved where the sun don't shine.' To show she meant it, Faith then threw a heart monitor out the window."
"Oh, boy," Xander gulped. He regarded Giles with growing concern. "What about Robin?"
Giles winced. "Er…to quote Faith once more, 'that bastard better not think of ever touching me again, 'cuz if he tries, I'll rip off his balls and feed 'em to the dogs!' So far, Mr. Wood has sensibly stayed away from Faith, but through myself, he managed to persuade her that perhaps the Cleveland Hellmouth was responsible for Faith's unforeseen bout of bad temper. It's why we relocated her to the private clinic here in Harley Street in the hope she'd calm down almost four thousand miles away from the Slayers House in that city."
Dawn leaned forward on her car seat with anxious curiosity, "Is it working?"
"I'd say yes and no," Giles judiciously answered. "She hasn't gotten any worse, but Faith still remains thoroughly hostile towards whatever British medical professionals who attempt to carry out their duties in providing obstetrical care for herself. Unfortunately, this is still absolutely necessary to make sure she stays in good health, which is where you come in," he finished informing the startled trio of Americans in the Rolls.
Buffy skeptically retorted to Giles, "Why us?! You really think we can talk her into this?"
Giles took a deep breath before responding with all the calmness he could manage, "Because about the only people whom Faith appears to tolerate at present are the other pregnant Slayers also staying at the clinic. That likewise applies to a lesser degree the non-expectant Slayers visiting their friends there when she encountered them. Oddly enough, the female relatives of both groups — grandmothers, mothers, sisters, aunts — who came along are also among the few persons for which Faith is prepared to be civil towards to some degree. Even odder is that the older they are, the more polite Faith behaves to these mature women."
Dawn and Buffy stared at each other in their mutual shock at hearing this surprising news. The younger Summers sibling squeaked, "That's why I'm here?"
"Yes," Giles nodded, only to be interrupted from saying anything more by Xander's baffled interjection.
"Okay, that takes care of Buffy and Dawn, but what about me? You better have a real good reason for calling me here, because the last time I checked, I wasn't a Slayer or without my man-bits…and I'm damn well not gonna bring them anywhere near Faith if she decides that I'll do totally great as a stand-in for her husband becoming an eunuch!"
Giles sent a rather thoughtful look at the back of the head of their chauffeur for today. Skillfully driving the Rolls through the city traffic as appropriate for being the latest descendant of four generations of London cab drivers, Miss Phoebe Cooper didn't even twitch at listening to Xander's heated protest even though the other Slayer at the wheel had undoubtedly heard every word.
He turned back to an impatiently waiting Xander, mentioning something which seemed to have no bearing at all on what they'd just been discussing, "Do you remember our successful strategy against Adam in Sunnydale?"
"Huh?" Xander frowned at Giles. His face cleared when he also shot a quick glance towards their driver, who didn't need to know about everything the Scooby Gang had gotten up to in their earlier adventures.
"Oh, yeah, that spell," Buffy joined in, following Xander's gaze and correctly guessing why they weren't mentioning the long-ago enjoining spell in front of some stranger, sister Slayer or not.
Buffy then had another bright idea strike her and tossed it out to see if she'd go two for two: "You were there, too, Giles…is that how you talked Faith into moving here?"
Pleased that his Slayer was using her brain quite nicely, Giles nodded, "As I discussed with Willow in Brazil afterwards, Faith can probably sense the trace Xander and I still magically possess of our, ah, guest from that night. That was enough to reassure Faith I meant only the best for her, so, Xander, your testicles should remain safe enough in Faith's presence when you speak with her. Probably."
Only Buffy was capable of actually catching Miss Cooper's hastily-suppressed snigger over Giles' deadpan delivery of that final word, what with road noise and Dawn guffawing loudly at the same time.
Enjoying Xan's most outraged glare sent towards a smug Giles, Buffy was still forced to point out, "Guys, I know we'll try our best to make Faith listen to sense, but what happens if we actually do? Some outsider she isn't likely to trust comes in and pokes around her body's most private parts, making her throw a big hissy fit again. Then, we're back to square one."
Dawn had to agree. "Wouldn't the best way to go be getting a Slayer to do the job?"
Brightening up in unison at that exceedingly reasonable suggestion, Xander and Buffy felt their hearts sink at seeing Giles dolefully shaking his head.
He told them, "We — Willow and I — already thought of this. However, while some Slayers, particularly those from developing countries, assisted in births and others have nursing experience, no one we can locate has the extensive medical training needed to cover any possible eventuality for Faith's delivery. They're simply all too young for that."
"Excuse me, Director Giles," came in a very deferential voice from the front seat of their car, leading that addressed man, Buffy, Xander, and Dawn to glance in shared surprise at who'd just interrupted their conversation.
Looking at them through the rear-view mirror, Phoebe Cooper further informed the legendary Scooby Gang, "If I may, I know someone who's absolutely perfect for your friend! She's got decades of experience in delivering babies and best of all because she's our Nan, she not only knows about Slayers, Mrs. Lehane-Wood will feel utterly comfortable being around her!"
Giles cleared his throat, "Ahem…I'm sure you may be right, but even without knowing your grandmother's exact qualifications, Faith is, shall we say—"
Buffy promptly broke in, "The biggest pain in the ass England's met since Adolf Hitler?"
Phoebe merely replied to that extreme description in a tone of quiet certitude: "Our Nan's dealt with worse."
Now:
Buffy fretfully considered the closed door to Faith's room, shut in their faces by the old lady about to give her sister Slayer a thorough physical. There'd been silence inside there for the last few minutes, save for a murmur of low conversation beyond which not even her superhuman hearing had been able to make out, seeing how thick the door and walls were of the private clinic patronized by the wealthy who expected nothing less than complete quiet in the building.
Glancing around at her friends also looking concerned at the moment, Buffy took a cautious step toward the door and pressed her ear flat against the panel…exactly at the moment Faith bellowed at her full lungpower from in there, "YO, B, GET YER BONY BUTT IN HERE PRONTO!"
Reeling from what'd just battered her eavesdropping eardrum and also instantly furious over this unforgivable insult to her sleek derriere, Buffy grabbed the door handle and shoved it open.
Smirking at the gang crowded together in the now-ajar doorway, Faith flat on her back with the hospital gown she was wearing pulled aside to fully reveal the awesome vastness of her expanded waist waved with one hand at this, gleefully calling towards one person in particular, "Hey, Harris, this coulda been all yours!"
Xander just speechlessly gargled at the incredible sight, hearing Giles beside him groan under the older man's own breath. As for Dawn, she did nothing but gape at where Faith was receiving an expert kneading of her stomach from the old lady they'd earlier collected from a pub in one of London's seamier East End boroughs.
Her dazed thoughts were interrupted by a jovial order from Faith, "Okay, ya three, scram! We'll catch up later, all right? B, c'mon in, we gotta talk."
None of the Scooby Gang moved.
That just made Faith grin even more evilly. She announced, "Well, Xan, Jeeves, if ya wanna stay, I'll show ya how my breast pump works! Good thing ya showed up too, Dawnie! It's 'bout time for my hemorrhoid cream to go on, so pull on some gloves and—
A triple puff of air rushing inward behind Buffy made this Slayer look behind her, only to see a complete absence of Giles, Dawn, and Xander who from the sound of sprinting footsteps down the clinic corridor had just traitorously deserted Buffy in her hour of need. Turning back at Faith's snickering, Buffy glowered towards somebody having far too much fun in their hospital bed.
Mrs. Cooper ignored both of the younger women, instead fully occupied in using her superb pregnancy examination skills once more after retiring nearly a decade prior to today.
Smiling this time in a much more grateful manner at Buffy, Faith told her, "Ya done good, B. Me and Vee—" (Faith nodded towards the mature lady still hovering over her protruding belly) "—we bonded right away. Helped that both of us sensed each other lived through some pretty serious shit, so that took care of that. She's gonna stick around and look after us — me and the other preggo Slayers — and train up some of the minis that're interested in nursing."
"Oh," a shell-shocked Buffy managed.
Faith examined her frenemy with a growing glint of sheer mischief in her eyes. Yeah, time now to hit B with the biggest wallop of 'em all.
"One thing, though…Vee knows how strong we are, and that's gonna be a huge problem in the delivery room when the baby comes. Means someone more'n a match for me outta my head hasta be there to hold me down 'fore I wreck the place. That's you and nobody else, B. So, willya please be there for me, the whole happening?"
Exactly like Xander moments ago, Buffy could only express a disbelieving gurgle over what immense favor she'd just been asked for, by Faith no less. Not to mention, the other Slayer for the first time ever had said to her, "Please."
Teetering upon the very brink of accepting the honor or declining the horror, Buffy then heard from Faith a coaxing, "Tell ya what, ya agree, we'll be fair and square for ya stabbin' me back in Sunnyhell. Whaddaya say, B?"
"…Yes," Buffy Summers whispered the very next second.
Still busy in her midwifery tasks, Valerie Cooper who'd once been Valerie Dyer of Nonnatus House smiled to herself. Of course, she'd noticed at once that scar on Faith's stomach and wondered about it, but just like everything else she'd learned in decades of being a District Midwife for the London neighborhood of Poplar, her patients' secrets were safe with Valerie and her thorough tolerances of these pregnant womens' quirks. Including, much to her amused surprise, being promptly nicknamed 'Vee' by Ms. Lehane-Wood.
Really, she'd undergone far odder incidents in her lengthy nursing career than that. It probably wouldn't stop there either, what with becoming the midwife to Faith and all the future Slayers in London having their own babies…and Valerie was quite looking forward to it.
Author's Note: During the recent lockdown, my sister streamed the entire 'Call the Midwife' series and loved it. That led to me writing this crossover story. Hope you enjoyed it!