Author's Note: The following was inspired by a certain recent TtH forum discussion concerning the return of a Japanese space probe containing material samples from an orbiting asteroid. The discussion's snarkiness level was all due to the landing location for these samples; to wit, the Australian interior of a continent that's already equivalent to any old-time cheesy sci-fi film trying to depict as cheaply as possible the riskiest fictional alien planet for its square-jawed heroes to explore.

"There's what?!" Captain Ph'lxy, the most dangerous Antarean space pirate in the galaxy, incredulously stared at his helmsman.

Reaching out with his tentacles with matching disbelief to tap again a certain control button on his steering panel, Grimmmtu repeated the information shown on the main viewscreen, "A huge sign on that moon which reads in Gal-Basic, 'WE SURRENDER. PLEASE FOLLOW THE GUIDANCE BUOYS TO LAND ON OUR PLANET AND RECEIVE OUR TOTAL SUBMISSION.' Ah...there's indeed a line of satellites leading down to a specific spot on the latest mudball you picked to conquer, sir."

Leaning back with growing satisfaction in his captain's chair, Ph'lxy happily declared to the rest of his crew crowding the bridge of the Merciless Slaughterer, the ship carrying the finest bunch of BEM scum in the universe, "Looks like word got around, and about time, too. Well, what are you waiting for, you idiot? Take us there right now so we can get on with the looting and pillaging already!"

"Don't forget the raping!" slobbered Bwikkip the first mate, spraying himself with a mister to keep his sleek skin from cracking due to the dryness his aquatic species suffered from whenever venturing upon land.

Various other sounds of sadistic eagerness came from the rest of the crew at hearing this, swiftly changing into loud cheers when Grimmmtu obeyed their captain to steer the Merciless Slaughterer past the moon towards the peaceful blue planet beyond.

At the very back of the bridge, Flimsqueap the cabin boy paused in his desultory mopping of the deck, frowning to himself. Something about the whole business seemed a little off to this sole law-abiding being on the spaceship, having been captured as the only survivor from the pirates' last victimized vessel and told he had only two choices now: do the ship scutwork or learn to breathe vacuum.

Being a sensible alien, Flimsqueap picked the former option but that didn't mean he ever stopped dreaming of somehow escaping his hopeless situation. At least Ph'lxy and his bloodthirsty crew would be diverted from tormenting the cabin boy for a while by the upcoming multiple atrocities they were sure to inflict upon the unfortunate inhabitants of the world they were currently approaching, Flimsqueap sadly thought.

When they touched down, Ph'lxy at the head of his crew self-importantly swaggered along the landing ramp. The captain stopped short at the end of the ramp to peer around at his new surroundings.

This was a flat patch of triangular ground where a small river flowing on their left meet the ocean stretching out towards the horizon. Trees and bushes lined the banks of the river, while scrub grass occupied most of their landing zone. It appeared rather pleasantly bucolic, though Ph'lxy stepping in a complete circle to take in it all had the vague feeling there was something missing—

Oh, right. Where was the cringing populace who should've been here to quickly learn their new place as nothing more than suffering slaves for the vile amusements of the Merciless Slaughterer's crew?

Just when he realized that, Ph'lxy had to step smartly aside lest he be trampled by the rush of at least two-thirds of the crew into the ocean shoreline, giving off gleeful whoops all the while at the prospect of a good, long soak in the warm waters. Glaring after those morons, Ph'lxy's irritable mood was momentarily brightened by the sudden thought that what's-his-name, the cabin boy, was stuck inside the ship under guard by the Merciless Slaughterer's AI keeping a close electronic eye upon that little shit.

Out in the surf, Grimmmtu the helmsman ducked under the water, tentacles easily propelling him along as he marveled at how much life he could see under the surface. There were a lot of translucent objects drifting towards the majority of the crew gayly splashing away, some kind of fish looking remarkably like the one of the mound of rocks it was floating among where Hoffglunk the engineer was stepping towards, and—

*Oh-ho!* Grimmmtu delightedly thought at catching sight of something which he hadn't expected at all. Another aquatic creature looking remarkably like the helmsman but much smaller had just scuttled with its own tentacles from out of a crevice in the sea floor away from Grimmmtu coming nearer. The space alien promptly went in pursuit of this beast whose skin was covered with blue rings, taking the unexpected opportunity for a nice snack.

A moment later, Grimmmtu caught up with that yummy bit of food and lashed out with a tentacle, wrapping this around the unknown animal and bringing it nearer to Grimmmtu's ready mouth…

"AAAAAAHHHHH!"

An abrupt chorus of agonized screams coming from the ocean made Ph'lxy whirl around to stare in shock at several of his crew swimming out there now were tearing in overpowering pain at their bodies where some see-through jelly-like substance was draped all over them.

"OOOOOWWWW!" then came from Hoffglunk bursting up from out the water in his own discomfort to begin hopping on one foot towards the beach since he was unable to put any weight on the other after accidently trampling upon a squirming something on the sea floor which then viciously stung him.

Further out in the ocean, Bwikkip the first mate had his own problems. This had to do with the extremely large fish with even larger teeth prominently displayed in a gaping maw as it chased the pan-species rapist just barely keeping ahead of Bwikkip's pursuer. From where he'd been panickedly looking over his shoulder, Bwikkip did a quick glance ahead to see how close he was to land where he could get away from whatever wanted to devour him!

Except, some other enormous beast with rough skin, four legs, and a propelling tail was right in front of Bwikkip, apparently waiting for its own meal to swim directly into its equally wide-open fanged jaws…

It was a toss-up as to which of them slammed first into Bwikkip, rending and tearing into pieces this alien, who wouldn't have particularly cared about identifying either of these animals as a great white shark and a saltwater crocodile. Not even when they got around to disputing which one of them would be the first to consume Bwikkip's oversized sexual organs.

Back on the beach, Ph'lxy could only watch in appalled horror at how Grimmmtu was feebly thrashing on the surface until the helmsman flattened out lifelessly. Ph'lxy was too far away to see how the blue-ringed octopus which had just clamped its tentacles around Grimmmtu's tongue before injecting its potent venom into this then released its grip and swam off to return to whatever peaceful life these Hapalochlaena lunulate normally led.

"RUN! OUCH!"

Ph'lxy's attention was then diverted by a much closer wounded bellow from one of the few members of the crew who hadn't gone swimming. Not that this avoidance of their landing place's seashore had helped that alien any, much less the others, who one and all were frantically scampering back and forth among a mass of writhing snakes which had just emerged from underground and were viciously striking at the nearest feet and ankles of these extra-terrestrials.

Judging from the sound of it, there'd already been a successful reptile attack, and the following pained yelps by the rest of his nearby crew indicated to Ph'lxy they'd also been bitten. The captain himself was standing at the far edge of the snaky crowd, and he hastily backed up to put himself further out of reach. A desperate glance by Ph'lxy at the landing ramp showed the end of this had about a dozen snakes already crawling over it, which put paid to any attempts to retreat into the safety of the Merciless Slaughterer.

A sudden surge of serpents towards Captain Ph'lxy, in addition to how all of the attacked crew then started to collapse onto the ground in a rapid reaction to the deadly poison of the eastern brown snake now coursing through their bodies, made their leader promptly spin around and run away as fast as he could.

No more than a couple of minutes later, Ph'lxy was hiding among the clump of bushes lining the river. Shooting a nervous glance at the ground to check for any of those slithering monsters which might be there, the space pirate tried to think of what to do next. The only conclusion he could come to at present was to simply wait until those snakes around the Merciless Slaughterer went away for him to sneak back into his ship. Then, he'd drop a nova bomb on this whole horrible place! See how all those nasty animals liked that!

Perking up a bit at these delightful thoughts of murderous revenge, Ph'lxy continued to savor how everyone responsible for his latest humiliation would pay—

"Snort."

Stiffening in shock at that unexpected bestial grunt from behind, Captain Ph'lxy slowly turned around to confront what had to be the weirdest creature he'd encountered in a lifetime of visiting other planets, almost close enough to touch. This strange animal possessed dusty crimson fur, long ears, a fuzzy face with a narrow muzzle, two short frontal arms, and…the most gigantic feet Ph'lxy had ever seen.

A majestic adult exemplar of his species at nearly 90 kilograms and standing 2 meters tall, the red kangaroo beadily examined the intruder in his territory and decided that this place wasn't big enough for them both, partner. Putting matters into motion at once, the kangaroo jumped up and forward, reaching an apex of a minimum of three meters before descending upon his latest foe.

Captain Ph'lxy could only stand there in total astonishment, head craned back while he looked at what was plummeting towards—

Those were really big feet.

From where he was huddled in a corner of the Merciless Slaughterer, Flimsqueap flinched at hearing the emotionless voice of the ship's AI announcing, "All other occupant life signs have ceased. As per emergency protocols, command now passes onto the last remaining crew member. What are your orders, Captain Flimsqueap?"

Blinking in astonishment, Flimsqueap had to actually think about this. Soon enough, he cleared his throat and said tentatively, "Er…broadcast a message to whoever authorities here I'm sure will be listening that I'll be more than glad enough to surrender and cooperate fully with them. The only thing I'm asking for is that they keep all those dangerous animals I saw out there away from me!"