Lethally Cute
By EDelta88
Rated A for adorable and C for cute.
Insert Disclaimer Here
Background and Beginning Notes:
This one is… odd. There's no other way to put it. It's a plot bunny that has been rattling around in my head for ages and comes down to one simple plot device.
Adorable!FemNaru
Yes, another FemNaru, but in this case it is because I legitimately can't see a boy pulling this off. "This" being a character that is so disgustingly, so angelically, so lethally cute that no one takes her seriously… all according to her sneaky plan. I'm talking oversized sweaters, crocodile tears, candy obsession, hugging, pouting, deliberately clumsy, stuffed animals, giant pillows, comfort blankets the works. A well-reasoned mind might think, "Using her physical status to pass herself off as harmless? Isn't this what kunoichi are supposed to do? You know, minus the sex." These people would be exactly right in so much as Kaiki (the FemNaru) IS actually just as adorable as she seems, but shamelessly taking advantage of it in every way she can manage without blowing her cover.
So, here are the first scenes I've more or less finished in a fit of insomnia.
Prologue
Uzumaki Kaiki was not a happy child, no she was not. She was not in her bed anymore. In fact, she had no idea where she was but it was wet and uncomfortable and she did not like it, not at all. How was she supposed to nap when she was cold and wet and the floor hurt? At least when the matron made her stay outside she could sleep in the grass.
No. No, this simply would not do.
So, pushing herself up, Kaiki sat in the still water and looked around for a better place to have her nap.
Walls...
Weird hallway...
Big metal tower thingies...
Kaiki blinked, squinting her eyes to see past the tower thingies. There was something back there but she couldn't tell what it was in the gloom.
Curious, she braced her hands against the floor before bringing her feet up and planting them. Then she pushed herself up… before she promptly lost her balance and fell back on her bottom. Scowling, Kaiki glared down at her legs. This was all their fault. Why couldn't they do what she told them?
Grumbling under her breath, Kaiki glanced back toward the tower thingies before making a snort of annoyance.
That was a very long way to walk...
Screwing her face up stubbornly Kaiki once more planted her hands and pushed herself up, flailing her arms when she almost fell again. But she didn't! No she did not. And she was very proud of herself.
So Kaiki wobbled and walked, picking herself up when she fell, and made her way across the place until eventually she came to stand at the edge of the gloom. Using one of the odd towers to balance herself, she stood there, feeling very proud of herself indeed as she stared up at the hill. It was very big and it was the most comfortable looking hill she had ever seen! It looked so... fluffy!
Suddenly part of the hill opened up, revealing a large, red, eye that was staring right at her.
Surprised, Kaiki lost her hold on the tower and fell back onto her butt, staring back at the eye wonderingly.
"What are you staring at, meat bag?" a voice growled as a great head lifted itself to face her.
Kaiki blinked for a moment…
Hills didn't talk, did they? None of the hills she had ever met talked. And they didn't have heads either. Was this a special hill? Maybe it was like big peoples? It could talk because it was bigger than the little hills just like the big peoples could talk better than the little peoples? So she sat there, frowning thoughtfully as she stared at the hill trying to decipher its mysteries.
She cocked her head one way.
Then she cocked it the other way.
And then it came to her!
It wasn't a hill at all. It was a doggy! And it talked! Kaiki laughed clapping her hands happily.
The giant creature blinked, staring down at her bemusedly, not quite sure how to take the child's reaction. "What a strange little creature you are..." it mused, watching as she rolled onto her hands and knees began and to crawl closer. "Wait. What are you doing?" it demanded in a deep rumbling voice.
Kaiki giggled.
Chapter 1: Too Cute…
Konoha Academy, 10 Years Later…
Umino Iruka was in the middle of a very important lesson about the current geopolitical climate of the ninja world—more specifically, Konoha's allies, enemies, and neutral parties—when he suddenly paused, his teacher sense tingling.
"Zzzzz…"
Iruka sighed irritatedly at the sound of his student's almost silent snoring; an oddly quiet and endearing noise that he had heard so often that he already knew who was asleep before he had turned around. Honestly, the girl slept more than any Nara he had ever met. "Kaiki, wake up and join the rest of the class, please!" he barked, glaring at his sleeping student.
"Mhmm? What?" the girl in question mumbled, peeking out from the warmth of her trusty overstuffed pillow. Seriously, the girl took it everywhere.
"I was thinking that, since you felt you had studied enough that you felt you could sleep through this lesson, that you might know which villages we are currently allied with, Kaiki," he asked, pinching the bridge of his nose in exasperation.
No answer…
"Kaiki?"
"Zzzz…"
"Oh for the love of—Wake up, damnit!" he cried, whipping the chalkboard eraser at her head with deadly accuracy.
Thwack!
"Owie!" Kaiki complained, pouting cutely as she rubbed the spot on her forehead where Iruka had pegged her. "That was mean, Iruka-sensei!" she whined, brandishing an accusing finger at her teacher only for her oversized sleeve to flop over her hand ruining any chance she had at looking intimidating.
"Kawaii!" Ino cried, flying halfway across the room, happily glomping the poor girl.
"Whaaa!" Kaiki cried as she was knocked bodily from her chair. "Not again! Get off me, you crazy girl!" she ordered, flutily attempting to push the platinum blonde away.
"Not again," Iruka groaned, palming his face at the spontaneous display of affection. 'This? This right here? This is why that brat can't be the Kyuubi. No way in any world would it allow itself to be degraded like this.'
"Save me, Iruka-sensei!" Kaiki cried, flailing her arms as Ino continued to squeeze the life out of her.
Iruka rolled his eyes before walking over to the two girls, failing to hide a fond smile as he pulled them apart and set them on their feet.
"S'not funny," Kaiki pouted, crossing her arms as she attempted to scowl. It was a valiant effort, but the effect was ruined by a jaw cracking yawn a moment later.
Iruka just chuckled at her, maintaining a firm hold on Ino in case she attempted to glomp Kaiki again.
"Stop laughing!" Kaiki whined, stomping her foot petulantly when he only laughed harder, most of the class joining him. "I hate you all," Kaiki said quietly with no real venom as she stuck her lower lip out and pouted again.
"Sure kid," Iruka chuckled as he pushed Ino back towards her seat.
"Kurama says you're all pedantic cephalopods," Kaiki grumbled, sticking her tongue out at all of them.
Iruka rolled his eyes. Kaiki and her snarky imaginary friend. "Really? Is that all? He's being particularly charitable today," Iruka quipped, completely unbothered as he made his way back to the front of the class.
"Kurama" had made his debut long before Iruka had ever met Kaiki and persisted through all efforts to convince the girl that she was simply imagining him. In fact, Iruka suspected that if her previous teachers weren't the cause of "Kurama's" vicious wit, then they were certainly some of the first victims. Where Kaiki actually got her material, no one was sure, but the results were just too amusing to care. In all honesty, "pedantic cephalopod" was far from the most insulting or graphic thing "Kurama" had thrown at him or one of his students. He'd once heard Kaiki calmly explain to Sasuke that "Kurama" thought that he was a "limp-dicked, milky-eyed product of inbreeding that suffered crippling brain damage as a result of his mother's frenzied alcoholism." Luckily, that little gem had come before the Uchiha massacre otherwise he might have had to give her detention for being insensitive.
"Now, as I was saying," Iruka sighed, trying to find his center as he returned to his lecture. "Kaiki, please give us a summary of Konoha's current allies." There, nice even, scholarly tone. Center achieved.
"Zzzz…"
Center abandoned.
"KAIIIKIII!"
Many Months Later…
Temari was not having a good day. She had spent nearly two weeks—two weeks!—on the road in order to reach Konoha. Two weeks of rations and foraged meals while they were forced to walk at civilian speeds. Two weeks of redirecting Gaara's murderous tendencies. Two weeks of listening to Kankuro complain about missing his workshop. Two weeks of Baki repeating the same speeches about tact and secrecy over and over. But, worst of all? Two weeks, nearly all of which was spent swatting mosquitoes and deer flies, of balmy nights and muggy days that made her pine for the burning noonday sun of Suna. Never in her life had she hated water with such a passion. Admittedly, the abundance of rivers and lakes meant she had bathed more in the last two weeks than she had in the last two years back home, but that didn't even come close to making up for the hours of her clothing alternately sticking to her skin like bad adhesive tape and suddenly chilling her to the bone every time the wind picked up.
And the chaffing!
But, even more than the stupid weather or her comrades' petty grievances, she hated the ninja. Oh, make no mistake, nobody had been rude to her. The Konoha ninja didn't even cause them any trouble whenever they were inspected. Even if she didn't understand how anyone could have managed such an elaborately comprehensive and redundant security network over such a large area; seriously, they saw patrols every single day. No, she hated the Konoha ninja because they were so damn friendly!
Every time they were stopped, the Konoha ninja smiled at them. They asked about their day and suggested places to eat and where to find the best accommodations for the night. One of them even complimented her on her hair!
WHO DOES THAT!
Didn't these people understand that ninja didn't have friends? That they were spies and saboteurs waiting for the order to turn on their "allies?" How could they be so happy!
She hated Fire Country.
But, right this moment? Right this moment she hated her prideful, pig headed, bullying, moron of a little brother with the fiery passion of a thousand suns.
"Kankuro," she growled, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Put the brat down."
"No, he ran into me!" he protested. "I hate disrespectful shits like this! I'm going to teach him a lesson he'll never forget."
'You're never going to forget the lesson I'm going to teach you as soon as I don't need you in one piece, baka yarou,' she thought venomously. "Fine, whatever, but don't come crying to me if-"
"Dynamic Entry!"
Whump!
ThumpaThumpaThumpa!
Crash!
Temari blinked as her brother was suddenly replaced by a petite little blonde in what looked like a nightshirt, clutching an overstuffed pillow. She blinked again, turning to stare at her brother, stunned and crumpled against the fence where he'd landed after being struck by the newcomer's pillow. She turned back to the little blonde, absently noting that she looked positively adorable in those pigtails. She turned back to her idiot brother as he tried and failed to comprehend that he had just been ambushed (successfully) by what looked like a kinder ninja wielding a pillow.
Temari smiled. Karma was a glorious thing.
"Kono-kun! What have I told you about taking candy from strange catmen with painted faces?" the strange blonde demanded.
Temari cocked her head in thought. The blonde was taller than the brown-haired kid by a full head and a half. Huh, maybe she was an early bloomer? Or was she actually older than Temari had first estimated.
"Um… nothing?" little one answered uncertainly. "And he didn't offer you candy?"
"No candy?" the girl repeated in quiet horror a moment before rounding on Kankuro. "No candy?!" she cried again, suddenly in front of him and lifting him up by his shirt. "What kind of self-respecting clown doesn't offer children candy!?" she demanded, shaking Kankuro violently.
'Huh, her hands haven't even made it out of her sleeves,' Temari observed, just quietly enjoying the show. Did she say that she hated Konoha? Nope. Not anymore! Sure, the ninja were a little too happy and the weather sucked, but this? This was the best thing ever. When they sacked Konoha, she was going to find this girl and claim her as spoils.
Because what big sister doesn't want an adorable little ninja maid they can send to humiliate the people that annoy them?
"I'm not a clown, you crazy woman!" Kankuro protested, trying and failing to find decent footing as he was swung around like a rag doll.
'Hehe, rag doll,' Temari thought, snickering at the image. She'd have to remember that one for when she brought this event up… every few weeks… for the rest of Kankuro's life... and one last time for his eulogy.
"As amusing as this is, I need him intact," a dull voice said.
'And there's the buzz kill,' Temari thought, eyeing her youngest brother as he materialized nearby.
"Wah!" the girl cried, jumping up onto the fence in fright. "Don't sneak up on people like that, it's rude!"
"We're ninja," Gaara deadpanned.
"It's rude!" the girl repeated.
Gaara glared. "Who are you?" he demanded. Who was this strange creature that demanded niceties of him?
The girl puffed out her cheeks and wagged a finger—uh, sleeve, at Gaara. "Rude! You're supposed to give your name first before-"
"I'm Sabaku no Gaara. Who are you?" Gaara interrupted, starting to lose patience.
The girl blinked once before flipping her hands up and flashing them a radiance smile. "I am the magnificent Kaiki-sama!" she declared… only to realize that she released her hold on her perch. "Wah!" she cried, flailing her arms as she fell backwards off the fence.
Whump!
"It's okay! Pillow broke my fall!"
"How many times do you think she was dropped on her head as an infant?" Kankuro wondered as they watched the girl scramble back over the fence.
Temari smirked. "Well, she still got the better of you," she quipped as she watch.
Then, suddenly, Kaiki grinned winningly before pointing a… sleeve, at Gaara. "My imaginary friend is bigger than yours! Nyah~" she teased before sticking her tongue out and blowing a raspberry.
Temari was speechless…
Kankuro was nonplussed…
Garra was… confused. Was it possible that this girl was crazier than him? Did that mean killing her would further validate his existence because she was a novelty? Or would it mean nothing because she just wasn't all there?
Perhaps he should inquire further.
"Would that mean you are more… valuable to kill?" he asked, genuinely curious.
Temari's eyes jumped to her brother, mouth agape.
Kaiki hummed thoughtfully and tapped her chin. "Hmm, nope! I'd still only count as one," she replied, happily.
Kankuro and Temari trade incredulous looks behind Gaara's back. Was this actually happening? Was this strange girl casually discussing her own murder with their brother like… like it was nothing?
Then Kaiki frowned, cocking her head like she was listening to someone for a second and winced in embarrassment. "Oops, technically I'd count as two. Same as you!" she corrected.
Temari suddenly stiffened. 'Same as you…' the words rang in her head.
Gaara quirked a brow at the strange blonde he had found. "Explain," he demanded.
Kaiki shrugged. "Well, you'd have to beat Kurama to beat me, just like I'll have to beat Shukaku to beat you," she explained as if explaining a schoolyard spar to a new recruit. "So, we both count as two!"
'Kurama… just like… Shukaku,' the words echoed disjointedly in Temari's as she came to a single, inescapable conclusion.
Konoha had a viable jinchuuriki.
Her mind whirled? Which one? Which one did they have? Gaara held the Ichibi. The Sanbi and Rokubi were both somewhere in Water country as recently as two months ago. Iwa's jinchuuriki were both still active. Their spies had confirmed that the insect one was in Takigakure. Kumo's Kirabi hadn't left his valley in years and the Nibi jinchuuriki been reported to have successfully completed a mission near Yugakure recently. That left…
Ever so slowly, Temari turned to face Kankuro, a feeling like ice water trickling down her spine. She imagined that the look of absolute horror plastered across his face mirrored her own and confirmed that he had come to the same realization that she had just moments before.
The only biju left unaccounted for was the Kyuubi.