Chapter 4: Then you smiled over your shoulder, For a minute, I was stone cold sober
Three and a half Months Before Season 5
x
"How's it going?" Wolf asked, settling into the chair across the table, pushing a cup of coffee across the table to Danny — one with a logo that Danny recognized as Kara's favorite.
Lifting the lid, Danny enjoyed the scent of the bold roast. The facility where the program was housed wasn't as bad as barracks, but clearly the guys that stocked the kitchen were not coffee drinkers. After savoring his first sip, Danny focused his attention back on Wolf. "It's been ... good," he said, before admitting. "I was surprised."
"The guys that run this program are solid," Wolf replied. "Sasha used to know one back in the day. She popped by his office to say hello."
Danny had seen Sasha arrive, then disappear down the hallway towards the offices. Danny couldn't know for sure whether Sasha was here to check up on him or if, as Wolf was suggesting, she was visiting with a friend. What Danny did know was if their roles were reversed and Danny was the one in Sasha's shoes, he sure as hell would want to make sure that the guy in question was taking this seriously.
Which, for the record, Danny was.
He knew from the moment Sasha laid out her proposal that he was going to have to suck it up and deal with whatever crap this place threw at him. The only real surprise was that it hadn't been a complete waste of time. Sharing stories about friends — about firefights and natural disasters and the helplessness of watching people you love die and knowing that there was nothing you could do to stop it — with guys who understood had helped in some way. Even though these men would never meet Benz or Smith or Berchem in person, Danny found that talking about his team left him feeling lighter, the memories not quite so bitter.
Not that Danny was stupid enough to let his guard down completely. A smart move, apparently, given that Sasha clearly had a connection.
One screw up and he could kiss Delta goodbye.
"Bet that she's here to see Josh," Danny guessed. "Pretty sure he was CIA, so I can see him running into Cooper."
Wolf nodded. "They crossed paths in Afghanistan. He was an interrogator."
"Apparently, running a PTSD program uses the same skill set," Danny replied, drawing a smile from Wolf.
"Imagine it's a lot more work fixing those noggins than it is breaking them," Wolf observed.
Twisting his coffee cup, Danny thought about all the shit that he and Wolf had been through together over the years. Losing Ravit and Val, the FUBAR situation in the South Pacific, Cruz and Kowalski dying, losing their families, chasing after the seeds, Rota. Sure, some moments were harder for Danny and some harder for Wolf, but none of them were easy. Yet Wolf never seemed to have hit the edge.
He looked up. "How do you keep your head straight?"
Wolf carefully considered the question. "I lost a kid brother, back years ago. We were biking and he got hit. I saw it happen."
That wasn't what Danny was expecting. How could he not have known that Wolf lost a brother as a child? But Danny knew — too wrapped up in his own life to pay attention, just like he was in high school when Jasper's sister died. "God, I'm sorry."
With a nod of acknowledgment, Wolf continued. "Mum put us all in therapy. Made us go for years. I hated it, of course. The other lads gave me so much shit. But when the world went to hell, I found myself remembering the things that the doctor told me. About the stages of grief and survivors' guilt. The power of breathing, if you can believe it. Having been through it before helped, I guess. Just knowing that, whatever happened, I could make it out the other side."
Fiddling with his coffee, Danny avoided eye contact. For the first time since he walked in those doors, Danny wanted to tell someone what he was really afraid of.
Turning into Zack.
Because as bad as the flashbacks and memories could be, they were nothing compared to vision of himself lifting a gun and pointing at his son's head.
Of course, that was always why he couldn't tell Wolf, tell anyone, the truth. "I wasn't expecting to talk about ... about my family."
Wolf nodded. "Hard one there, mate. But trust the process. It works."
Danny wished that he could believe Wolf — that he could look the men here in the eyes and tell them about Zack and Mandy and the girls. After all, hadn't both Jasper and Coach Dowler said that Zack did what they would have done? Yet the idea of talking about what happened felt impossible. Danny knew, deep in his soul, that sharing the truth would change everything.
Because how the hell could you ever understand killing a child?
For the first time since his arrival, Danny thought about the ashes sitting in the back of the master bedroom closet where Frankie couldn't get them. Kara had suggested a memorial service or even a funeral, but it all seemed so pointless. Danny was the only person left alive who remembered any of them. Why have a funeral when he would be the only mourner?
"Green, you okay?"
Danny glanced up, seeing the concern in Wolf's eyes, wondering how long he was silent. "Yeah, just thinking."
"You talk to Kara?" Wolf asked.
Danny looked away, hoping that his face wasn't heating. Although outside communications were monitored, they weren't prohibited. And he had planned to call Kara. He had even tried a few times. But every time he sat there with the phone in his hands, he couldn't think of a single thing to say. "No. Have you seen her and Frankie?"
"Yeah." Wolf paused and Danny thought that he might have to beg, but Wolf relented. "Slattery had a barbeque last weekend and they were there. She seemed surprised to see me and Azima."
Crap. Although Danny trusted that Wolf and Azima would not have outed him, Kara was not stupid. She would have realized that he was lying about what he was doing, even if she didn't know exactly why. "But she seemed okay?"
"Yeah. You know Foster. Nothing shakes her. I played a bit of football with Frankie. The kid's not bad."
Foster. The old name rolling off Wolf's tongue bothered Danny more than he liked. As did the idea of Wolf playing soccer with Frankie. He was the only one who should be joking about Kara's famous unflappability. He was the one who should be playing a pickup game with his son. He should call Kara. And he would. Tonight. Just as soon as the team left. Or else tomorrow.
Either way, soon.