Red River Blue

Chapter 93

Harley could hear Daryl hollering after her as she stomped off down his porch steps. But his voice sounded like it was coming from the other side of a waterfall. She ignored him as she tugged on her ear, wincing at the sharp pinch of pain. When they lit off the cooler of old sweaty dynamite sticks that Negan's lady friend produced out of some wonky hiding hole in the ground, the blast was a little bigger than she bargained on. Harley was pretty sure she'd blown an eardrum. She rubbed at her ear, hoping the damage wasn't permanent. And she was also hoping it was something that would heal up on its own. The last person she wanted to deal with at the moment was Denise and all her well meaning intrusive questions.

Negan waited at the corner of Daryl's house for her before he started heading towards home. Rick's house. It made sense that they would go there. They both lived there. But Harley caught him by the shirtsleeve.

"Let's go to my mom's," she said, her words coming out more like a quiet plea than a suggestion. "I need to get myself together before I see the girls. And him." She didn't specify that the him she was referring to was Rick. And Negan didn't seem to need the clarification either. For once he just nodded his head and kept his smart mouth comments to himself.

"Whatever you need, kid," he said, tossing his arm around Harley's shoulders and leading her towards the back door of her mother's house instead of across the street. Harley let him take a bit of her weight as they walked. She'd been running on empty for days on end. Her legs felt like they weighed a hundred pounds each. And if she was perfectly honest with herself, she was holding her sanity together by a thread. Every time she blinked her eyes closed, all she saw was the look on Beta's face when she stuck him with his own knife. Thinking about it made her sick. She'd killed a lot of people since the outbreak began. Evil people. People that needed to die so she and the people she cared about could live. But she never felt bad about it before.

"I need a minute before I come in," Harley admitted, pausing on the back steps as Negan pulled the door open. He nodded, leaving her on the steps and ushering his lady friend inside with him.

Harley took a few deep breaths. She had one foot up on the back porch. The other was still resting on the top step. Her hand was clamping painfully around the railing as she fought the urge to run back the way she came. Maybe the whisperers were right when they accepted her into their group. Like they could sense the ruthless evil inside her. Maybe Beta was right. Maybe she didn't belong here.

Harley expected her mother to be the one that rushed out to greet her. The shock of seeing her father instead had her gripping the railing so hard that the wood but into her hand. Merle spoke to her in the gentle tone she'd only heard from him a few times in her life. The tone that was reserved for injured animals or her mother if the woman was more upset than usual with him.

"S'alright," he coaxed. "Whatever happened, it's over now."

Merle edged towards his daughter slowly, watching her like he was afraid of what she might do. Reaching out with his one good hand, his fingers twitched a little before he lowered them to rest on Harley's shoulder. The moment he touched her, she burst into tears. Merle froze, unsure of what to do next after this unexpected development. He glanced back towards the door, wondering if maybe he should send River out to deal with his daughter's emotional outburst. But Harley looked so miserable and broken. He could remember feeling that way a few times in his life. When he woke up in jail with the blood from River's broken nose dried across the front of his shirt and on his hands was certainly the most memorable.

"It's a'right," he murmured. "Everything is gonna be alright."

Merle and Harley were close to the same height. But she was currently standing a porch step below him, making her look much shorter. The last time she was that small in comparison to him, she was still wearing her hair in curly pigtails. He wasn't there for her then. But he was here now. Merle pulled Harley against his chest and wrapped his arms around her. And for once, she didn't go stiff in his arms or try to wriggle away the moment he got his hands on her. Harley's hands fisted into the back of his shirt as she tucked her head against his chest. Her body was shaking with the force of her sobs. She was really letting go, wetting his button down and the wife beater under it with her tears.

Eventually Merle lowered himself down to sit on the top step, pulling Harley with him. She maintained her death grip on his shirt, climbing almost half into his lap until she finally cried herself out. She stayed close even after she caught her breath, resting her head on his broad shoulder and not complaining even though he had his bad arm wrapped around her.

"Feel better?," he asked. Harley shook her head.
"Not really," she admitted. "Now I still feel shitty and I feel like a crybaby." He tried not to laugh at that. And then gave in and chuckled a little.

"Wanna tell me what the fuck happened?," he asked. Harley shook her head again. But despite her denial, after a minute of awkward silence she started talking. Harley talked the same way she always talked, her voice void of emotion like the horrible events she'd been through in her life happened to someone else.

Harley started her version of the story back further than he expected. She started with the beginning of the turn, before they found each other again. She told him about the first walker she killed. And then the first man. A random man in baggy sweats that tried to grab her mother outside an abandoned gas station. Harley clobbered him over the head with a brick and filled their stolen camper with gas while he bled out onto the dusty pavement. That was two days before her seventeenth birthday. Harley didn't list every one of her kills. They would have been there for hours. But she skimmed through, listing the deaths she found the most memorable until she got to her most recent victim.

"I could have killed them day one. Both of them. I could have climbed that tree and waited for Beta. Killed him right fuckin' there. And then gone back ta camp and killed Alpha while she slept. But I didn't. I fucked with his head instead. Won his trust. Made him care about me. I wanted it ta hurt. I didn't just want him ta die. I wanted him ta suffer. I fucked him before I killed him. I knew exactly what I was gonna do to him while we were together. And ya know what? I enjoyed that shit…" Harley sucked in a hard breath. She pulled back slightly before she continued. Which was sort of a relief. Merle wasn't sure how comfortable he was listening to his daughter's sexual exploits. But he knew he definitely felt weird holding her while she talked about it. "I was thinkin' about it. Thinkin' about how I was gonna kill him real soon," she said. "...ya know, during." Harley wiped at her eyes again. Just a few tears slipped out this time, not the entire waterfall. "I think I'm really fucked up," she admitted.

"That creep deserved what he got," Merle assured her. "Yer not fucked up. I mean ya are. But we're all fucked up. That's how we made it so long in this bullshit. 'Cause we were already fucked up before." Harley nodded, not really in agreement but more in acknowledgment of what he said.

"He was good ta me," she said, her voice coming out softer and with a hint of a shake to the words.

"Ya liked him and killed 'im anyway?," Merle asked, relieved that he finally felt like he understood what all the crying was about. He felt shitty the few times he had to do the same. Back at the prison. The governor and his men were just a faceless army to Daryl and the rest of them. But to him, they were real people with names and stories. He ate and drank and laughed with them. Some of them were his friends. He didn't enjoy killing them. But he still did it. So his family could live.

"Yeah, I guess I did," Harely admitted. "He was keeping that mask on because he was famous before the turn. I guess I mighta really liked him if things were different…," she added, feeling like the words were just vomiting out of her. She had no ability to stop herself from spilling. It was like a sickness that needed to be expelled before it ate her up from the inside out.

"Famous huh?," Merle asked. "Who the hell was he?"

"The lead singer of Half Moon."

Merle's mouth fell open. He wasn't sure who he was expecting Harley to say that asshole was. But he sure the hell wasn't expecting that. He snapped his mouth shut, scratching at the stubble on his face as he pondered over the fact that his daughter just plowed an actual real life legend. So many crazy ass things that happened since the outbreak, but this was still blowing his mind a little. The more he thought about it, the funnier it was. And before he could stop himself, Merle burst out laughing. Harley stared at him for a moment, shocked by his reaction. His laughter was so inappropriately timed that there was nothing she could do but start laughing along with him.

"Too bad ya had to cut his throat after," Merle chortled. "Coulda got us some free concert tickets."

"Dad!," she exclaimed. "That's not fuckin' funny, you asshole!"

Harley laughed, whacking at Merle as he pulled her back against his side. They sat there a while, just letting their crazed laughing fit die down on its own. Once he had himself under control, Merle spoke to her again. This time it was in a more serious tone.

"Ya can't let the bad shit ya do eat ya up. How you treat the people ya love is what matters. That's what defines ya. Not that other shit." Harley sighed, tolerating his physical affection for just another minute before she shook him off. She was starting to rise up off the steps when Merle caught her by the hand and pulled her back down next to him. "Go eat a cookie," he suggested. "Take a bath. Let yer ma fuss over ya a little. She'll like that." He paused, his eyes scanning over Harley's face before he went ahead and said what he yanked her back down to say.

"Do yerself a favor and don't tell Rick any of the shit ya just told me."