Red River Blue
Chapter 94
Rick's head lolled against the cushioned back of his recliner. The worn paperback book in his hands lowered slowly into his lap. He knew he ought to climb the steps and go to bed. Sleeping all night in his chair gave him a terrible backache. But between a sore back and facing the emptiness of his bed for another night, he'd decided on the former. Even if he did manage to fall asleep in his bed, his dreams would be filled with all the horrible images as his subconscious spewed out every possible thing that might be happening to Harley as she attempted to destroy the whisperers from within. He was doing his best not be angry with Carol about the situation. Harley was just doing what Harley did. And she likely would have done it whether she had council approval or not. But waiting around to find out if the woman he loved was going to live or die and not being able to do anything about it was its own special kind of torture.
As Rick drifted slowly across the border of consciousness, his body suddenly lurched into panic mode. He gripped the book in his hand, glancing around the quiet room for any sign of possible danger. But there was none. A soft rap on his front door was the cause of his violent reaction. Lowering the footrest of the recliner, Rick headed for the door. He swung it open, unsure of who he was expecting to find on his porch at this late hour.
"Harley?," he gasped, his mouth falling open in shock at the young woman's sudden appearance.
Harley's damp hair was pulled back from her face into twin braids that hung down her back, giving her the appearance of being much younger than she was. Her skin looked like it had been scrubbed almost raw. And since her clothes were upstairs in the closet they shared, she was dressed in clothing she'd borrowed from her mother, a soft pair of pink cotton leggings and a matching sports bra. There was a freshly changed bandage on her left forearm. She was always a slender woman, but Rick could tell she'd lost weight since he'd seen her last. Her collarbones and ribs were more prominent. And her face looked more angular. Rick wanted to ask her a million questions at once. What happened? Is Alpha dead? Are you okay? How long have you been back? The questions flickered through his mind in rapid fire as he continued to stare at the uncharacteristic vulnerability written across Harley's features.
"Yes," Harley said, her voice barely above a whisper. She cleared her throat, raising her voice slightly as she repeated the single word. "Yes."
"What?," Rick asked, staring at her in confusion. He didn't ask her anything yet. He hadn't said anything yet but her name.
"I told ya when I was done doin' what needed ta be done, I'd give you an answer," Harley explained. "It's yes. Unless you changed yer mind about gettin' married."
"What?," Rick repeated, unsure if he'd heard her right. "Yes. I mean no. Uh… I mean, I didn't change my mind."
It took one more second for the reality of the situation to penetrate his mind. And about two seconds longer before he was rushing through his open front door and sweeping Harley up into his arms. She held on tight, like he was a life preserver in the middle of the ocean and she was drowning. Her fingers clenched the back of his shirt as she tucked her face into the crook of his neck. Time seemed to slow down as they stood in the moonlight holding each other. It was Harley that broke the silence and spoke.
"I need you," she pleaded, her breath ghosting over his neck.
Rick lifted her into his arms, kicking the door shut behind them before he headed for the stairs. When he entered his bedroom, he was sure he hadn't felt the floor under his feet the entire way up the stairs and down the hall. Harley shed her clothes the moment he set her down, revealing the vast collection of scars he knew like the back of his hand and a colorful array of new cuts and bruises she'd earned during her elopement. There were bruises along her hips that looked like fingerprints. And the insides of her pale thighs were colored in fading shades of purple and blue. Rick glanced at the marks with concern.
"Are you sure ya wanna do this?," he asked, his hand stroking gently over the marks on her hips.
Harley nodded her head as she reached for him. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she pressed her naked skin against his and claimed his mouth with hers. It didn't take long before they were tangled up together on the bed, kissing and running their hands over each other. Her eagerness for him quickly put his concerns about her injuries out of his mind. At least for the moment. When she pulled him on top of her, he settled between her thighs, thrusting into her until he felt her come undone beneath him. After he found his own release and spilled himself onto the blanket between her thighs, Harley lay still, gripping his body against hers with the same desperation she'd shown downstairs on the front porch. When she finally released her hold on him, she rolled away. Swinging her legs off the bed, she grabbed the t-shirt he'd shed a few moments before and pulled it over her head. Rick watched her stalk from the room. But she didn't go far. Only a few feet down the hall to the bedroom that Monroe and Judith were currently sharing. She wasn't leaving, she was just going to look in on their daughters. When Harley didn't reappear after a few minutes, Rick rose and pulled his shorts on so he could check on her.
"She's fine," Rick promised, wrapping his arm around Harley's waist and pulling her into his side. "I'd never let anythin' happen to her." Harley didn't enter the bedroom. She just continued to hover in the doorway, staring in at their daughters cuddled together in Judith's bed. Rick didn't rush her away. He just held on, letting Harley take the time she needed to assure herself that Monroe and Judith were safe. When Harley had her fill of watching the girls sleep, she eased their door shut and pulled Rick back down the hall with her. Harley fell asleep almost the moment her head hit the pillow, leaving Rick lying awake to contemplate whether or not he wanted to know what happened to Harley out there in the wild.
In the morning, Harley was greeted with enthusiasm. Not only by her daughter, who'd missed her terribly, but by Judith, Wren, and Carl as well. Rick smiled as Harley returned all their hugs with equal sincerity. She sat next to Monroe at the breakfast table, rubbing her hand over her daughter's back as they ate. Judith was tucked into her other side, her slim arm wrapped tight around Harley's waist.
Other than to say that the 'threat' had been neutralized, Harley never told Rick anything about what happened during her time away. But despite his unquenched curiosity, their lives quickly returned to some level of normalcy. There was rebuilding to do after the waves of walker attacks. Gardens to plant. And Rick was just happy to have Harley back and unharmed. It wasn't until a few weeks later that he noticed something was wrong.
Harley wasn't exactly what he'd consider talkative to begin with. But Rick noticed that she'd suddenly stopped talking altogether. He often had to call her name several times to get her attention. And given how observant Harley usually was, that was even more unsettling than her silence. Rick asked her a few times what was wrong. But he was met only with Daryl style dismissive grunts. He considered trying to take the young woman to see Denise. But Rick knew that would likely just increase her unwillingness to talk and probably make her angry at him to boot. So he decided to simply wait her out. Harley did things on her own time. She would tell him what she needed to tell him when she was ready. Not before. Because that was just the way she operated.
A few nights later, Rick woke to find Harley's side of the bed empty. He felt a momentary pang of panic. But he spotted her quickly, sitting in front of the open window. Since her return, she'd taken to sleeping in his t-shirts. And the one she was wearing was thin and well worn. The moonlight was streaming in through the window, silhouetting her body through the material of his shirt. She was perched in the small alcove of the window, staring out through the glass.
"Hey," Rick whispered, not wanting to startle her when he set his gentle hand on her shoulder. "Wanna tell me what's wrong?" Harley's only response was to cast a mournful glance at him before turning her head back towards the window. Rick sighed. He didn't want to push her. But he was afraid that without some encouragement, Harley might never tell him what the hell was going on. "I'll be yer husband soon," he coaxed. "...You can tell me anything." Harley swallowed the lump in her throat, her neck bobbing slightly with the effort.
"Yer gonna change yer mind about all that husband stuff once ya know," she said, sounding sadder about him possibly not wanting to marry her than he ever would have expected her to be.
"There's nothin' you can tell me that will change my mind about wantin' you," Rick assured her. He sounded so confident that Harley turned, almost feeling for a moment that she might believe his words.
"I'm pregnant," she said, quickly adding her disclaimer. It would be better to tell him fast. Like ripping off a bandaid. "...And don't start gettin' all excited. 'Cause it's not yers."
Rick scrubbed his face, trying to control his reaction to being given upsetting news in such an abrupt way. Like her father, Harley wasn't exactly known for her tact.
"If someone hurt you out there," Rick said, his voice low and gentle. "...you know I'd never hold something like that against you, Harley."
"No one hurt me," Harley huffed, as though even in her misery she was still insulted to have it insinuated that anyone could force her to do anything she didn't want to do.
"This baby is gonna fuckin' hate me," she added with a soft sad sigh.
"I'm sure you only did what you had to do," Rick offered, reaching out towards her with his hand before pulling it back and dropping it into his lap. He wanted to hold Harley and promise her everything was going to be alright. Because he would make damn sure everything was alright. But he wasn't sure if she would be receptive to such an offer. She seemed to be full of self loathing and regret. Feelings he's never seen Harley express before. She turned away from him, staring out the window as she spoke.
"I destroyed somethin' beautiful. One of the most talented musicians ever born. And I wiped him off the face of the earth without a second fuckin' thought," Harley said. Rick cocked his head to the side, more confused about what was going on now than he was before she started talking. Harley sighed. "The big guy my dad tossed down that elevator shaft," she explained.
"Beta?," Rick confirmed. Harley nodded.
"He was the lead singer of Half Moon."
"Half Moon?," Rick asked, his voice full of total disbelief. "The country band? That was him?" Harley nodded again. "Holy fuck," Rick murmured. He wasn't sure how to feel about this new information. But at least he had some idea what was upsetting her in such an epic way. Harley loved music. Making it was more than just a hobby for her. It was her only emotional outlet. And her passion. Finding out her favorite pre-outbreak musician was responsible for killing Beth and Sam gave an entirely new flavor to the old adage about never meeting your heroes.
"That might have been who he was before the outbreak," Rick said. "But he became someone else. Those people. Livin' the way they were among the dead. Like animals. He was too far gone to save."
"He wasn't," Harley countered. Rick motioned for her to continue. Which she did. After a few deep shaky breaths. "I brought him back off the edge. I made him care about me. Then I looked him in the eye and watched him bleed out after I cut his throat. I wasn't doin' it to keep us safe. I wanted revenge. For what he did to Sam and Beth. I enjoyed that shit." Harley's hand slid up, the flat of her palm resting protectively over her stomach. "Tell me how I'm gonna explain this to my baby when he asks what happened to his father?"
Rick sat in stunned silence, letting the air between them grow thick with the weight off all that Harley just revealed to him. He couldn't help but wonder, if Harley wasn't pregnant, would she ever have told him anything? And he wondered why she was telling him the truth now. She could have just let him believe the child was his. Like Lori did. Lori never cared enough to even bother actually admitting that she had an affair. Even though they both knew the child inside her belonged to Shane. She let the lie grow and grow until it devoured what little love was left between them. It occurred to Rick at that moment that the reason why Harley was telling him the truth was not only because she was honest to a fault, but because she loved him in a different way than Lori ever did. She loved him in the way he needed to be loved. As whole, including the dark parts of his soul that sometimes threatened to consume him.
"Yer not gonna explain anything to the baby about his father. Because he's never gonna ask. If we get married now, no one will ever know the baby's not mine. Not even the baby."
Harley raised her brow, her eyes widening slightly. She made a conscious habit of expecting the worst from people. That way they never disappointed her. She hadn't even considered the possibility that Rick might accept what she'd done. Accept her child. That he loved her that much.
"But you'll know the baby's not yours," Harley said. "Doesn't that matter to you?"
"I love Judith just as much as I love Carl," Rick countered.
"That's because they're both yours."
"Judith's not," Rick admitted, watching as Harley's mouth fell open before she quickly snapped it closed. By the time Harley showed up at the prison with her sister and mother, Lori was already dead and they were in the middle of a war with the governor. Like most people, Harley naturally assumed Judith was his and it never seemed important to tell her otherwise. Until now. "Lori gave me up for dead. About ten seconds after the outbreak began, she started sleeping with my best friend. Shane. He's Judith's biological father. Not me."
"Holy shit," she murmured.
Harley leaned back against the window frame. She lifted her hand from her stomach, swiping a stray curl away from her face. Rick caught her hand on its trip back down to her lap, catching it between his and holding it. She squeezed his hand as she let out a long slow breath. Rick smiled, relieved that her facial expressions seemed to finally be returning to normal. Which for Harley, was a scowl with her nose wrinkled up like she was smelling something bad.
"Yer really serious about all this gettin' married stuff then?," she asked, her tone indicating that she now found marrying him to be a rather large imposition when she'd been ready to cry about it only a moment before. Rick's body shook with silent laughter as he pulled Harley across the window seat and into his lap, answering her question with kisses instead of words. She kissed him back, teasing him with little flicks of her tongue. After a long deep kiss, she pulled her face slightly back, her thumb stroking over the winter beard Rick still hadn't bothered to remove despite how warm the weather was getting.
"Ya know yer about ta shave all this scruff off fer the weddin'," Harley informed him. Rick laughed as he lifted her into his arms and promised her that he'd do anything she liked with his beard. When he set her down on the bed, Harley pulled him close and finally whispered the words he'd been waiting to hear from her since she got back.
"I love you."