{ 26 }

November brought with it bitter cold temperatures and snow flurries.

My muscles burned with exertion. I ignored the cold and pushed myself to fly faster. It didn't matter how fast I flew, though. It didn't matter how many dives I took, only to pull up meters before I hit the ground.

The tightness in my chest remained. It's been there all afternoon. Ever since Hermione collapsed in my arms. I can't shake it.

I replayed the incident over and over in my mind as I sliced through the air.

I can see it so clearly in my mind. The moment she stopped breathing. The fear written across her face. The desperation in her voice. And then, she just dropped like a stone.

My knee still hurts like hell. I should have Pomphrey look at it. It just doesn't seem that important right now.

As I told Potter, she has had anxiety attacks before. Many times. But to pass out like that? No.

"This can't be happening again."

I pulled my broom to a halt mid-air.

That's what she said when she woke up.

"This can't be happening again."

Again. Which means it has happened before.

A defense mechanism. That's what Edinfield called it. She's protecting herself.

She's always protecting herself. I swear, she's a better Slytherin than I am.

I landed in the stands and sat on the bleachers. I stared at the snowflakes as they swirled through the air.

I swear, if I never see her collapse like that again, it will be too soon.

[ - - - ]

By the time I showered and dressed, dinner was halfway over. I entered the Hall alone and took my usual seat next to Theo. Before I even noticed what food was being served for the night, my eyes were skimming the Gryffindor table.

Potter and Weasley were there, but Hermione was not.

"She's at the Ravenclaw table with Lovegood." Theo nudged my arm with his elbow. "It seems the vast majority of Gryffindor has not forgiven her for, and I quote, betraying her house."

I blinked twice.

"What?" I should know what he's talking about. My mind is still preoccupied with other things.

"According to girl Weasley, Gryffindor lost the game yesterday because Granger wore your team captain shirt." He rolled his eyes. "There was a whole blow up."

Perfect. After everything that happened today, she has to deal with that, too.

I found her easily enough, now that I knew where to look. She was talking to Luna. Her eyes lifted just enough to meet mine. She shook her head slightly, then turned back to Lovegood.

I sighed to myself. It's my fault she can't even sit with her own house. I never should have asked her to wear my shirt to the match.

"So, you and Lovegood?" I needed something to distract me from Hermione. I filled my plate with pasta and chicken and turned the conversation to safer topics. For me, anyway.

Theo's ears turned bright red and he ducked his chin.

"No." He pushed the food around on his plate. "We shared a dance. Just one. Then she wished me a good night and went on to dance with Longbottom and Weasley."

I cringed. Maybe Hermione is off base after all. Then again, he did make it a point to ignore the blonde witch. Nearly turned her down when she got up the nerve to ask him to dance.

"Maybe she thinks you aren't interested." I lifted my shoulder and let it drop.

"What makes you think that I am?" He pushed his plate away.

"Are you going to tell me you are not?" I raised my brow and waited.

I wouldn't push it. It really isn't any of my business. Except, he pushed me towards Hermione. Even if it was as a joke at first.

His eyes darted across to the Ravenclaw table, lingered there, then returned back to his drink.

"It doesn't matter. Just drop it." He stood and stormed off before I could respond.

"Ignore him. He's been moody all day." Blaise advised. "Where have you been, anyway? You missed all the excitement earlier."

"Around. What did I miss?"

He chuckled and shook his head.

"Potter had to hold his girlfriend back. Man, it would have been an epic witch fight. My gold was definitely on Granger."

I released a deep sigh.

"I didn't think she would actually wear that damn shirt to the match. She was half asleep when she agreed to it."

I should have known. Hell, she ate dinner at the Slytherin table a few days ago because I dared her to. Of course she took my teasing as a dare.

I looked over to where she was sitting with Lovegood. She was already looking at me. When my eyes met hers, she motioned towards the door. I was finished eating, so I pushed my plate back. I met her at the door.

"I heard Potter had to prevent a witch fight before dinner?" My hand settled on the small of her back as we walked towards the staircase.

"It's so stupid." She rubbed at her temple. "Ginny has a temper, and she does not forgive easily. She'll get over it eventually."

She took the first two steps up the stairs before she noticed that I stopped at the bottom. She turned to face me.

"Draco?"

I swallowed hard around the lump in my throat.

I'm still processing what happened earlier. That tightness in my chest is still there. I need to just be alone right now, so I can work this shite through in my head. Flying didn't work, but something has to.

Hazel eyes searched mine. Waiting for a response, an answer that I don't have.

I cleared my throat and averted my eyes.

"I'll walk you up to the Tower." I stepped up on the first step. She stopped me with a hand on my chest.

"No." She shook her head slightly. Her lip tilted up in a sad smile. "It's okay. I'll just see you in the morning."

She leaned in and placed her lips against mine in a gentle kiss. When she pulled back and opened her eyes, I swear there were tears glittering in those depths.

She only waited a handful of heartbeats before she turned and walked up the stairs, away from me.

That tightness in my chest got worse with every step she took. I rubbed at my chest, willing the pain within to ease up.

Why does it feel like she was saying goodbye rather than good night?

As she turned to walk up the next flight of stairs, she wiped at her eyes.

Fucking smooth, you arse. You made her cry!

My feet were moving before I even made up my mind to go to her. She was already on the stairs to the third floor when I caught up. As soon as I was on the staircase with her, the steps began to move, taking us to the right landing.

I didn't move. She didn't realize I was there, and I didn't want to give myself away. Not yet. I waited until the steps had stopped and she walked onto the landing and started down the corridor before I sprinted up the stairs and followed her.

"Hermione!"

She was almost to the end of the corridor. She stopped. Her hands lifted to wipe at her eyes again before she turned to face me.

She didn't say anything. She just crossed her arms over her chest and popped her hip out to the side. She lifted her brow and tilted her head to the side and waited.

I closed the distance between us. My mouth opened, but nothing came out.

What the fuck am I supposed to say?

My mouth snapped shut.

She rolled her eyes and turned around.

Damn it.

I ran my hand through my hair and stared up at the ceiling. I sighed in frustration before following her into the lecture room.

She was standing at the round table in the middle of the room. She had both hands on the table, facing away from me, staring at Ravenclaw's book.

I said the first thing that popped in my head.

"I'm not ready to lose you."

She turned and leaned against the table, crossing her arms over her chest once again.

"Then why are you pushing me away right now?" Anger and hurt rolled off her in waves. "Last night you were declaring your love for me. And today, you can barely look at me. What the fuck, Draco?"

I cringed. She's right. I know she is. But it isn't like that.

I can barely look at her because every time I do, I see her eyes rolling back and her body collapsing to the floor.

"According to my so-called friends in Gryffindor, your parents will have seen the Prophet by now. Ginny seems to think that I've fulfilled my purpose and you'll be done with me now."

What?

I stared at her, dumb-founded. What in the ever-loving fuck is she talking about?

"Of course, I told her that was utter shite. But hell, maybe she was right." She took a step closer to me. Her eyes narrowed. "Maybe you actually were using me all along."

She doesn't actually think that.

Does she?

Anger spiked in my blood. After everything we've been through? Everything I've done for her? To even suggest that to be the truth.

No. Just…no.

Finally I found my voice.

"You know better than that. I don't give a fuck what my parents think."

"Then why are you pushing me away?" She took another step. She was right in front of me now, so close that I could smell strawberries.

"Because all I can think about, all I can see is you, collapsing into my arms!" My voice echoed through the chamber. "And I keep thinking, what if you didn't wake up?"

I rubbed at my chest.

"I'm not pushing you away. I just…fuck." I threw my head back in frustration. "Damn it, Hermione. All of the things you told Potter this morning? They happened to me, too. Hell, it was my fault! And he's right. How can you forgive me for that?"

She reached for my arm. I stepped back before she could touch me. I rubbed at my chest again. The pressure is getting worse.

I can't fucking breathe.

"Draco." She took a step forward.

She isn't going to let this drop, is she? She can't just give me some time to put all of these thoughts and feelings back in the compartments where they belong.

"No, Hermione! You said I didn't get it. I did! I knew you had given up. I saw it in your eyes." Hot tears ran down my face and I couldn't stop them. I didn't even try. In my mind, I could see it so clearly. It was like it was happening all over again.

"I knew I was going to watch you die, and I was too scared, too much of a coward, to try to stop it." I sat on a chair and dropped my head into my hands. "I've always been a coward. I never fought back like you. I went along with all of it because I was afraid of the consequences if I didn't."

She stood directly in front of me. Her hands settled on my shoulders, tentatively.

"You…you are the one that bore the consequences of those actions." My arms wrapped around her waist and I buried my face in her stomach.

She didn't say anything at first. She simply held me whilst I cried silent tears against her sweater.

I should push her away, not hold her closer. I should get as far away from her as possible. I owe her that much, don't I?

"You are not a coward, Draco." She pulled back and knelt down on the floor in front of me so that her eyes were nearly level with mine. "You were in a no-win situation. The odds of you fighting back and surviving were incredibly low. You know that."

There were tears on her face, also.

"I am a coward, Hermione." I brushed the tears away from her eyes with my thumb. "Everything I did was out of fear. I didn't weigh my options. I never even considered that I had options."

"At some point in time, you did. You chose to walk away, Draco. You left your family, your fortune and your legacy. Why?"

I squeezed my eyes shut. That was the first brave thing I ever did.

And it led me straight to her.

"I…I wanted to die." My fingers traced the barely visible scars on my wrists. "I tried."

Hermione gasped.

"Oh, Gods!" She swore to herself as she noticed the thin lines for herself for the first time.

"Blaise found me. He saved my life." I took a shaky breath and ran my hand through my hair. I stood and paced away from her. "That was when I finally realized that I had a choice. I couldn't keep living the way I was. I knew that. So my choice from there was simple. Live my own way, or don't live at all."

I finally looked at her. She held my gaze for several long seconds before she closed the distance between us and wrapped her arms around my neck.

I didn't hesitate. I held her in my arms and inhaled deeply. It was the first clear breath I had taken in hours.

"You made that choice, Draco. And that is why I have forgiven you." She didn't loosen her hold. In fact, she held me a little tighter.

We stood like that for a long time, holding on to each other as tight as we could.

"You don't really think Weaselette was right, do you? That I would ditch you now that my parents know about us?"

She huffed a short laugh.

"Of course not." She pulled back just enough to look in my eyes. "I knew something was bothering you, though. I needed to push to get you to spit it out."

Her lip tilted up on one side. I swear she is more Slytherin than Gryffindor sometimes.

"Don't shut me out, Draco. We are helping each other through this healing process, remember?"

I leaned my forehead against hers. She is right. We need to trust each other and it goes both ways. I'm used to dealing with it in my head on my own, but I don't have to do it alone anymore.

I took a deep breath.

"I don't know what I would do without you." I leaned my forehead against hers.

"I'm not going anywhere, Draco."

It warms my heart to hear her say that. Still, there is something bothering me that I need to ask her about.

"Tell me something." Maybe I shouldn't ask. But I need to know. "When you woke up, you said it had happened again. How many times have you had anxiety attacks so bad that you passed out?"

It's a valid question. Is this something for which I need to be on the lookout?

She squeezed her eyes shut. Her hands gripped my shirt for a moment. Then she sighed and sat back, running her hands through her hair.

"I said that out loud?"

I had to refrain from rolling my eyes. That was not the important part of my question.

"Hermione. How many times?"

"Just once." She cleared her throat. "It was the first anxiety attack I ever had. It was at my Aunt's house. I woke up in the hospital two hours later."

She rubbed her hands on her pants.

"I didn't have any idea what happened. My Aunt wanted me to see a therapist. I refused, of course. What the hell would I have said to a muggle therapist? They would have locked me up and thrown away the key." She stood and started pacing back and forth. "My Uncle talked me into self-defense classes instead. He also taught me how to shoot a gun. He knew something bad had happened to me. He wanted to focus on making sure it didn't happen again."

Her uncle seems like a smart man. Someday I am going to meet him and shake his hand.

I felt a little better knowing it had only happened once before. Although, twice is two times too many.

[ - - - ]

We spent the next two hours sitting together on the balcony, watching the snow flurries fill the air. As curfew neared, I reluctantly stood and held my hand out for her.

She stared at it for a long moment before she placed her hand in mine and allowed me to pull her to her feet.

"Are you going back to the dungeon, then?" She asked as we made our way back to the sitting room.

"I think I need to." Not that I want to. I would much rather stay here tonight again. "All of my clothes and books are there. I've barely been since Thursday."

That was true enough. I've only been there long enough to change into my dress robes Saturday evening.

"Alright. I'll see you in the morning, then." She led the way to the lecture room, but stopped right by Ravenclaw's book.

"Aren't you going to the tower? I'll walk you there." I didn't notice until that moment that she left her bag in the sitting room.

She tilted her head to the side and gave me a confused look.

"No. I'm not. I'll just stay here tonight."

"Really? Why?" I'm not sure I like the idea of her being here alone. Even though she can ward the door. And use your coin if she needs me.

She crossed her arms over her chest and tilted her head to the side.

"Draco, didn't anyone tell you what happened at dinner?"

My brow furrowed. What did I miss?

"Theo said that you and Ginny almost got into a witch fight and Potter separated you. Then you went to sit with Luna at the Ravenclaw table."

She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Well, that is the extremely condensed version, I suppose." She sighed. "I guess the details don't really matter."

A cold chill worked its way down my spine.

"Give me the details." Because whatever it was, it was bad enough that she wanted to stay alone tonight in the castle of her nightmares.

She ran her hands through her hair and pulled it tight. Then she took a deep breath.

"While you were out flying, I decided to go to the Tower and pick up a few things. But when I got there, the portrait wouldn't open. The password had been changed." She paced back and forth in front of the table several times before she stopped and rolled her shoulders back.

"At dinner. I asked what the new password was. They wouldn't tell me."

Red hot anger boiled through my blood.

"Are you serious? None of them? No one in Gryffindor…not even Potter and Weasley?"

I am going to kill Theo. That was vital information that he should have passed on. I sat through the entire dinner and didn't say a word! I should have been cursing every blasted one of them instead.

"Harry and Ron weren't there at the time. They came in towards the end, when Gin was telling me that you were going to run right back to mummy and daddy and I'd be…" She stopped and rubbed her chest. "Anyway, Harry stepped in between us and said that was enough. She said he was right. It was enough. We should all stop pretending like we are still friends or that I belong in Gryffindor."

Fucking hell.

"And then I was going to leave you alone all evening. Fucking perfect." I smacked my hand over my face.

I am an arse.

"Yes, well. That was the icing on the cake." She huffed a short, humorless laugh. "Especially since I thought Theo told you what happened."

"Theo is getting his arse kicked tomorrow." I have half a mind to go beat his arse right now. I would, if it didn't mean leaving her alone.

"You don't have to do that. It isn't his fault." She put her arms around my waist and rested her head against my chest.

"No, but I asked him why you were sitting at the Ravenclaw table and he lied to me."

She held me a little tighter for a few seconds. Then she released a deep sigh and stepped back.

"You should go. It's getting close to curfew."

I don't want to leave her alone. Especially after the day she had and the things that Ginny had said to her. It doesn't take much for the demons to take control.

At the same time, I really do need to get some things from my room. And I would rather not have to rush around first thing in the morning.

"I'm going, but only long enough to make an appearance. As soon as everyone else is asleep, I'll come back."

She shook her head and rolled her eyes.

"You don't have to do that. I'll be fine. Go. I'll see you in the morning." She brushed her lips over mine.

"I will be back in an hour. Maybe two." I pulled her in for a kiss that ended far too soon. "I love you, Hermione."

"I love you, too." Her lip tilted up on the side.

It took every bit of will power I possess to turn and walk away.

[ - - - ]

I walked into the Slytherin common room with only minutes to spare before curfew. Not that I give a damn about curfew, but still. There were enough people lounging around that everyone would know I had been here on time.

Theo and Blaise were playing chess in the corner. I walked up behind Theo and smacked him in the back of the head.

"Ouch! What the hell was that for?" He rubbed the spot I hit and glared at me.

"Would it have killed you to tell me the details of Hermione's spat with girl Weasley?" I glared right back at him.

"How should I know the details? Who do I look like, Pansy? You want details, ask her. I wasn't paying any attention."

Obviously.

"Ask me what?" The dark haired witch asked out of nowhere. I nearly jumped when I noticed she was standing right beside me.

"What were Granger and Weasley fighting over at dinner?" Blaise asked with a smirk. "Draco missed it, and we weren't paying attention."

"Hermione already told me the details. That isn't the point." I rolled my eyes and sat heavily in the chair. "It would have been nice to know before I acted like an arse and made things even worse."

I rubbed my hand across my face and released a deep sigh.

"So that's why you graced us with your presence tonight, then." Theo laughed. "She kicked your arse out, didn't she?"

No. But she wasn't exactly begging me to stay, either.

"Sunday night, Theo." I lifted my shoulder and let it drop. As though that was all the explanation I needed to give.

"Will the two of you be back in class tomorrow?" Pansy asked as she examined her perfectly manicured fingernails.

"I'll be in arithmancy. Same as last week."

She stared at me for several long moments before tossing her hair over her shoulder and walking away. I could tell she wanted to say more, but thought better of it.

"What the hell is with her?" Blaise asked before I had a chance.

I did not imagine her odd behavior, then.

"She's trying to figure out if she should continue to associate with us or not." Theo made his move on the chess board and Blaise's king fell.

If she continues to be my friend, she could be labeled a blood traitor by association alone. Daphne has already started to distance herself from our group. It is only a matter of time before Pansy does as well.

Unfortunately, I understand her dilemma all too well. Still, that is her choice to make. I already made mine.

[ - - - ]

An hour later I was ready for bed and my bag for the next day was packed and ready to go.

The room was dark and quiet. I moved slowly, careful not to make any noise as I left the dormitory. Before I entered the common room, I cast a disillusionment charm. Just in case there were stragglers at this time of night still out of bed.

Besides me, of course.

The common room was empty, though, and I moved through swiftly. Once I was in the corridor, I sent Hermione a message on the coin.

'On my way.'

By the time I reached the second floor she had not answered me. I know it was only a few minutes, but it bothered me more than I would like to admit.

I was reaching into my bag to retrieve my broom when I heard voices coming down the hall from the library.

Fuck.

I know, I'm not technically doing anything wrong. I hid anyway. I reinforced my disillusionment charm and ducked behind the nearest statue.

"Has she made any progress at all, Headmistress?" Professor Giles' voice sounded irritated. I watched as he and McGonagall stepped out of the corridor.

"For Heaven's sake, Giles. It's been a week. She's brilliant, yes, but she is going to need some time." McGonagall pinched her nose.

My stomach dropped. They are talking about Hermione. It has to be.

"Time is something we may not have." Giles ran his hand through his hair. "You never should have agreed to let Malfoy help her. They are too busy shagging all over the castle to actually focus on the task at hand."

Anger boiled up inside me.

How dare he?

My hand tightened around my wand. I have never liked that man.

"That is quite enough." McGonagall turned and placed her hands on her hips. She looked down at him sternly. "You are talking about two students in this school. The two best students in their year, I might add."

He scoffed.

"That girl is mentally unstable at best. And the boy? He's a criminal. He should be in Azkaban, not given free reign at a school full of children."

My hand twitched. I want to curse him. I want to see him writhing in pain.

I can't, of course, which is supremely disappointing.

McGonagall narrowed her eyes and glared at him.

"Are you questioning my judgment, Professor Giles?" She took an intimidating step closer. "Hermione Granger was instrumental in bringing down Voldemort. And Draco Malfoy? That boy has demonstrated the strength of his true character more than once since term started. The two of them together? They will be a force to be reckoned with. You can mark my words on that."

I smirked to myself as my chest filled with pride. McGonagall just defended me, of all people!

Giles took a step back. His nose curled up on the end.

"That sounds like an excellent reason to keep them apart, doesn't it?" He sneered.

"Professor Giles, I would watch myself if I were you." She lifted her brow and took another step towards him. "Or perhaps you no longer want to teach here at Hogwarts?"

His spine stiffened at the implied threat.

"Of course," He responded tersely. "I apologize, Headmistress."

McGonagall continued to glare at the man until he broke eye contact.

"We will continue researching other avenues." He cleared his throat. His voice remained tense, strained. His discomfort was obvious.

Good.

Arsehole.

"It is doubtful that Ravenclaw's journal holds the information we need anyway." He nodded his head, as though he were agreeing with himself. "If you'll excuse me, I'll be going to bed now. Good night, Headmistress."

He strode away quickly, putting as much distance between himself and McGonagall as he could.

She watched him go. Her lips were pursed together. Her hands were on her hips. When he turned at the bottom of the stairs, presumably to go to his rooms, she shook her head and released a deep sigh.

I am tempted to reveal myself. For no other reason than to ask her what the hell is going on. What does Giles think we'll find in Ravenclaw's book? Or what is he hoping we will find?

And he said we are running out of time. McGonagall never indicated to us that there was urgency in this project. Quite the opposite, actually. We were told we have all year to make as much progress as we can.

She walked past my hiding spot and up the stairs. I stayed hidden. Those questions need to be answered, but I need to talk to Hermione first.

I gave the Headmistress several minutes to return to her quarters before I stepped out from behind the statue. I kept the disillusionment charm in place as I mounted my broom and ascended to the third floor.

I landed quietly in the corridor just past the landing. Before I moved further down the corridor, I turned and cast wards across the hallway entrance that would alert me if anyone tried to follow me. Then I waited. When I was satisfied that there was no further movement in the stairwell, I turned and walked down the corridor to the lecture room.

Hermione was there, pacing back and forth in the middle of the room. She wrung her hands together, looked at her watch and sighed deeply. Then she opened her hand and looked at something inside. Another deep sigh, then she turned to pace back towards me.

She had already taken two steps before she realized I was standing there. Surprise flitted across her face, followed quickly by relief.

"Draco." She rushed across the room and threw her arms around me. "Gods, I was getting worried! You said you were on your way nearly an hour ago. What took so long?"

I held her close, inhaled her strawberry scent. An hour might be a bit of an exaggeration.

"You'll never believe what I just overheard."

She stepped back and looked up at me through her lashes.

"Come on." I took her hand and led her into the sitting room. As soon as the door closed behind us, I set wards. When I turned back around, Hermione was watching me with her arms crossed over her chest.

"What's going on?" She raised her brow and popped her hip out to one side.

I told her everything about the conversation between McGonagall and Giles.

When I was finished, she sat slowly. Her eyes darted back and forth and she chewed on her lower lip.

I know that we are both thinking the same thing. She was right. Whatever McGonagall is up to, it has something to do with that book.

"Do you think Bones would know what's going on?" She leaned her head against my shoulder.

It was a good question. Bones warned us about the dangers of the book. Did she know what the Headmistress hoped to find within?

"I don't know." I held her a little closer. My eyes closed and, despite the new information swirling through my brain, I felt myself relaxing into the couch.

The day had been long and trying. Right now I don't want to think about anything. I just want to hold Hermione and breathe. That's all.

The rest of it will still be there in the morning.

"Come on, Draco. Let's go to bed." Her lips brushed against mine, just a soft touch. Just enough.

She didn't have to ask twice. I blinked my eyes open blearily and followed her to the bedroom. Moments later, we were side by side under the blanket. She rested her head on my chest, her arm was across my waist and her leg was draped across mine. My hand rested on her back.

I dropped a kiss on her forehead and held her tight for a moment before relaxing my hold.

"Good night, Love." I whispered in her ear.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow has to be better.

AN: So Draco is dealing with his own anxiety. Trouble is brewing in Gryffindor House. And McGonagall is definitely up to something when it comes to the book.

Your reviews blow me away. Keep them coming. Let me know what you think will happen next. I love hearing your ideas.

Until next time.

-mezy