Disclaimer: All characters from the series Inuyasha that appear in this fanfic rightfully belong to Rumiko Takahashi. I do not own anything regarding their creation; I have Rumiko Takahashi to thank for that.
Author's Notes: Ok, I'm back with a new chapter that brings our sight to Sesshomaru, and especially Kikyo. I won't be saying much here since I personally think this chapter is one that must be "felt".
A big thank you to bubu-chibi-chan for being an excellent beta-reader as usual. An additional thank you to RedHood001, fabelliot, and 8579 for leaving their feedback on the story.
RedHood001: Thank you for your review. I'm pleased to hear that you liked the last chapter. It's a huge encouragement for me. :D Even antagonists/rivals need time in the spotlight and adding some complexity to their characters was a fun experience for me. Now they won't just feel like a two-dimensional obstacle for the protagonists to jump over.
fabelliot: I hope you're now doing well despite everything happening in the past months and that things have settled.
Yes, Sesshomaru and Kikyo have made several realizations about each other and have become reacquainted with each other's stubbornness. Kikyo wants Sesshomaru to let go because she believes she isn't the one who can walk on the path to their future together (though her heart yearns for it). Meanwhile, Sesshomaru refuses to let go because he believes that Kikyo is the only one who can be with him. Talk about a persistent tug of war, lol.
Inuyasha has his moment with Sesshomaru and the siblings can finally talk it out through their father and by fighting. It's their special bonding moment and I'm glad you liked it.
How will Sara act with Kikyo here? Excellent question. Well, you're about to find out!
8579: Thanks for the support!
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(This chapter was betaread by bubu-chibi-chan).
Chapter 41-Shackled Sentiments
"It was Father's growing feeling for a mortal woman, this weakness of the heart, that contributed to his demise." -Sesshomaru on falling in love
"To make someone love you is as hopeless as trying to control who your heart falls for." -Kikyo on falling in love
Sesshomaru seldom visited the place, though his exceptional memory helped him realize where the maid was escorting them. After being led through several corridors, he and his two companies arrived in the hall that was as sparse as he remembered. Although frankly, empty was a more fitting description since it was barren of any decorations. If anyone ever decided to alert the council's elderly members, then they would have definitely caused a commotion. The place would immediately be renovated with statues and paintings that depicted the west's long history, with his father's portraits as the most salient.
Under normal circumstances, Sesshomaru did not allow idle musings, let alone bring up those old irritants. Nonetheless, thoughts served to divert him from the vexing truth — that bringing Kikyo here was the best that he, the regnant Lord of the West, could do. In terms of administering treatments, he had no choice but to let Sara take over.
Sara. Asano Sara. One of the countless women enamored with him because of his appearance and standing. Fortunately, she was tolerable. Persistent as she was, she never resorted to nagging for his affection. More importantly, she had unwaveringly offered herself to him, to be used in whatever manner he desired.
Nonetheless, her loyalty was conditional.
Could she be trusted with one of his castles? No.
Could she be trusted with one of his castles that he specifically told her to keep immaculate? Yes.
All in all, the woman was compliant when under his direct orders. Otherwise, she would act according to what she deemed was best for him. More often than not, her assumptions were full of ignorance. The recollection of the time she had discovered his desire for the sword of destruction still left him in mild annoyance. Completely disregarding that he had no intention of having a woman fight his battles, she had gone after Inuyasha and subsequently demolished a seventh of the Western Palace.
As if his thoughts could summon her, he felt her presence draw near. She came into his view, her cape fluttering slightly behind her as she approached.
Inuyasha stopped leaning against the wall and stood straight, alert.
Sesshomaru's eyes flickered over to regard the hanyou, whose lips were pressed together and brows were knitted. It was akin to looking at a dog about to pounce and bite. "Inuyasha, stay put. Do not engage her."
"Keh, I know. You don't hafta tell me that," the younger son of the Inu no Taisho grumbled gruffly, "But if she makes a move for Tessaiga, then don't blame me when my claws rip her to pieces."
Recognizing Inuyasha's terrible attempt at compromising, Kotori merely shook her head in exasperation. She remained on standby, understanding that Sesshomaru's order naturally extended to her. She stood by the half-demon's side, her sapphire orbs fixed on the newcomer. While she bore no grudge against Sara as her partner did, she habitually exercised caution. Extreme vigilance was a must when she was one of Sesshomaru's two defenders. The Lord of the West had only brought her and Inuyasha as sentries along for the journey. If anything unexpected occurred, she was the shield for her lord and Inuyasha the sword.
"Greetings, Sesshomaru-sama. I welcome you. I hope you are well." Treating all other individuals in the room as if they were invisible, Sara followed the west's protocol and bowed before perking her head up.
"Sara, do you know what I seek?" Sesshomaru could feel her gaze locked on him, completely enthralled by his grandeur. While the hue and intensity in her orbs resembled Kotori's, there was no mistaking the passion that was in the stead of the bird demoness' reverence.
"Certainly. I have read your letter. I am aware of the circumstances. It is my greatest pleasure to make your wish come true, Sesshomaru-sama. I will do all I can to ensure her recovery," she answered staunchly, unperturbed by his curtness. Years of observing the Lord of the West had taught her that he would not waste time on pleasantries and preferred getting straight to the point.
"You shall provide me with an assessment after you examine her. Do not do anything unnecessary." His pair of gold glinted, ominously promising a fate worse than death should she disappoint him.
The severity of the look was akin to kneeling before an executioner's blade. Nonetheless, the woman merely took a steadying deep breath and replied, "O-of course. I serve as you wish. I won't let you down, my Sesshomaru-sama."
A ride in a fancy carriage later and Kikyo found herself brought to a room in the castle. She was made to wait without much of an explanation. Her back was against the bed rest, her form emanating an air of placidity. Her hair was unbound, acting as a curtain to the wood. Her shackled hands rested on top of the blanket. Yet, underneath the serene surface was a rampaging current of uncertainty unnoticed by most.
What should be her next course of action?
What could she be doing?
What should she be doing?
Contemplations after contemplations rushed in, flooding her mind and wearing her soul down.
Time was not on her side. As diligent as Sesshomaru was in ensuring that she was getting ample replenishments of souls, she feared that it was too late to prevent Magatsuhi from bursting free. Her broken spiritual pact had made her vulnerable. In addition, her once-powerful soul was reduced to three-quarters of its original potency. It was a matter of time before she had to sever her connection with the Shikon Jewel and hand it over to the next keeper. Otherwise, she would risk being overwhelmed by the conjugated evil within the jewel and turned into its mindless puppet. That must not happen; facing painful destruction was the optimal choice compared to the prospect. 'It is more provident to burn my body until nothing but ashes remain than to allow what Magatsuhi have in mind come to fruition…'
"Hmph. You won't die. If your intention is to die, then mine is to ensure that you live until the end of time. I shall extricate your fate from the burden that is the jewel, confiscate it, and have you by my side, alive and well. The circumstance that confines you to the west has not changed. You are mine, will remain mine, for me to deal with as I desire." Sesshomaru's words interrupted unbidden, flaring with indefatigable assurance.
The Lord of the West felt convinced that fate was his to control, dominate, and alter. It was impossible to dismiss his adamancy in keeping her alive. She wanted to acknowledge it in awe. Alas, his endeavors to challenge fate were also making her apprehensive. Shattering her precognitions and forging a path to suit himself was indeed within Sesshomaru's capabilities. She never doubted that. However, it was because she believed that the unknown brought her reservations. Freeing her from her role would change the course that the gods had set, making the future volatile. What would happen to the world without the jewel's guardian? And what did it mean for her, the one whose existence revolved around the Shikon Jewel?
As a human woman, the urge for liberation existed. It fueled the temptation to reach out for the hope that Sesshomaru saw. Without needing to carry out her responsibilities, she would have freedom. Free to hate. Free to love. To be forever with the man she loved. Nevertheless, the dream clashed with the fundamentals that made her a miko.
'Sesshomaru needs not to verbalize his conviction. His actions pertain to his fortitude, that I am certain. I cannot say the same for myself. I know my responsibilities and my weaknesses. Yet, even five hundred years could not appease the ambivalence existing within my heart.' Her hands fisted the edge of the blanket. Sesshomaru's stubbornness was as exemplary as it was infuriating. Moreover, her current position of helplessness and the absence of clarity added to her vexation.
Life was simpler before her memories were restored. She had known her purpose. As the Holy Entity, she strived to fulfill her duty — to guide the True Ruler. As the east's miko, she swore to avenge those murdered by the Lord of the West. Her objectives were clear-cut and without contradictions. She could have accomplished both. Similar to how the Holy Entity was replaceable, the position of the True Ruler was inheritable. She could have killed the Lord of the West and led the new True Ruler down the right path. But after everything — their encounters, their feelings, their bond — there was no way she could wish him ill.
The sound of the door sliding open pulled her attention to the source. In walked a figure with brown hair and sharp blue eyes, carrying a tray of medical supplies. Her appearance seemed ordinary, though Kikyo was not fooled. Her aura felt uncanny, highlighting that she was far from what she seemed. Nonetheless, it was her countenance that ultimately left the miko stunned. She had seen the same face donned in the beautiful silk kimono and white robes of a noblewoman before. More precisely, centuries ago.
"You are... Lady Sara?" Astounded, she tentatively probed with her spiritual powers and detected that the individual was neither a ghost nor an empty vessel possessed by a demon. The energy she emanated shared similarities with Inuyasha's, though it unwittingly reminded her more of the foul Naraku.
"Greetings. The Asano family no longer exists. I am the heir of nothing. Sara is fine," said the woman who looked like she had not aged a day since they last saw each other. She placed her equipment on the bedside table and sat on the edge of the bed, unmindful of the vigilant looks she was getting. "How many human lifespans have passed since our last encounter? It is nothing short of a miracle that we meet again, in a similar yet reverse situation. Wouldn't you agree, Saint Hijiri?"
"… You knew." Shock flashed through Kikyo's mahoganies, though she rapidly concealed it by narrowing her eyes. "Did Sesshomaru tell you? Or did you infer from my bemusement?"
"My Sesshomaru-sama did not have to. Your existence is a crucial part of my studies."
Unsure of what she meant, Kikyo was about to ask for an elaboration when the other woman continued speaking. "I don't believe I have expressed my gratitude to the saint who saved me." Sara's hand traveled to her chest, feeling the rhythmic beats that pulsed with more liveliness than they had before her rebirth. "Thank you. I am a lucky person to have lived. It is because of you that I can be of use to Sesshomaru-sama."
Clicking together like pieces of a puzzle was the conclusion of how the creature came to be. "You allowed Tsubaki's curse to consume you. You sold your humanity to demons in exchange for this body."
"That is correct. As expected, you are astute. I willingly cast aside your protective charm. For the sake of my wish."
The injured miko frowned. "You… You retain your conscience by a mere fortuitous occurrence. But those demons will not rest until they have devoured your body and soul."
"I'm fully aware. I felt them. They clawed at my soul. Their cries reverberated inside my head. But I did not succumb to them. I retained myself because I know who I am and what I must do. I offered my human body to the demons. I permitted the remnants of the kuro miko's curse to engulf me. All to grant me strength. I was reborn. No longer human and certainly not a demon or a half-demon. I am a woman who lives to serve the beautiful Sesshomaru-sama." Pride was latched onto every fiber of her being as Sara bared her feelings.
Asano Sara was a simple woman. She had one wish. She longed to have the affection of the apathetic Lord of the West. Nevertheless, Sesshomaru was as glorious as he was dangerous. His attitude was the never-ending frost. His unpredictable temperament was the scorching inferno. No doubt that such an individual ought to be admired from afar. Else, the aftermath could be likened to a moth being burnt to crisps by the flames it was drawn to. Sara knew. Yet, she did not endure the pain of rebirth just to be deterred. She would have his love and acceptance, no matter what it took.
"Do not use luck to derogate my love. My love for Sesshomaru-sama is what ended the demons' pertinacity," she added firmly.
'She is infatuated with Sesshomaru.' Having done little else than resting and thinking for the past few days made Kikyo's brain eager to leap into deliberations. Sara's devotion, while admirable, was irrational to the point that some would call it the pinnacle of idiocy. Still, Kikyo understood how sentiments could lead to irrationality. She possessed a benevolent commitment towards the weak, a trait Tsubaki had loved to mock her for.
Love… It was an overpowering emotion that fueled both women.
For Kikyo, her love for others meant she was willing to lay down her life for the weak.
For Sara, her love for one man created the existence she was today.
Love might be the basis of their actions, but there was a vital disparity. The former saved even strangers because she could. The latter served Sesshomaru because she pursued his acknowledgment. In other words, where they placed their expectations differed. Kikyo had none from others; she only had expectations heaved onto herself to save lives. In contrast, Sara's entire life was built on the hope that Sesshomaru would love her.
'Those who hope must face potential despair. The stronger the hope, the greater the despair. She must know... She is resolved. She has offered her most vulnerable fragment, her maiden's heart, for a small chance. But Sesshomaru may never understand…' Something within Kikyo tightened, arousing an uncomfortable feeling in her chest. How much did the Inu prince who grew up into the puissant Lord of the West comprehend Sara's love? Or just love in general?
Incongruous sentiments mixed and clashed restlessly, though she ignored them. "You serve Sesshomaru, craving for acceptance. However, he is a conqueror in heart and soul. He may never learn to love you back. Are you willing to give up your life for the slight possibility that he will return your affection? Is that enough?"
"Your lack of contempt astounds me. I had thought that you, a sacred miko, would be disgusted."
"I do not approve of your means, but I have no prerogative to condemn your choices either. Besides, I doubt my opinion will hold any sway."
"Correct again. The only opinions I care about are Sesshomaru-sama's. I won't disappoint him—" Sara trailed off, noticing that she was getting side-tracked. "—which is why I am here to examine your wounds." Another small pause as she considered the lines that could get her cooperation. "This is also an opportunity for me to return the favor. Back then, it was you who cared for me. Now, let me do the same."
"That's fine." Taking a rapid scan to confirm that they were alone, Kikyo tried to pull open the plain white robe she was wearing. To her chagrin, the restrictions on her wrists prevented the movement.
"Here. Allow me." The offer was accepted begrudgingly. As soon as the clothing was loosened, the dark red splotch on the dressings was brought to Sara's immediate attention. "This is? Fresh blood? It's still bleeding... Why has a wound this size not been stitched?"
"Masayoshi tried. It reopened. It is no ordinary wound, after all."
Heeding the warning, Sara primed herself and peeled off the gauze. The blood still oozing out was concerning, but it was the sight of baleful black tendrils clawing into the skin that made the alarms inside her screech.
"How much has Sesshomaru told you?" Kikyo asked, noticing the frown on her healer's face.
"I was informed that the wound is beyond the capabilities of the best physician in the west. Its true nature is a horrible curse that depletes your spiritual powers. The sacred jewel embedded in you, which Sesshomaru-sama has ordered for its removal, is the cause. However, I didn't expect such wickedness... It's a vile parasite clutching tight onto you. How have you lived with it for so long?"
"The years have been a battle of endurance. That loathsome specter is tenacious if nothing else."
Whatever the apparition was, Sesshomaru was either kept in the dark or had somehow decided to exclude it from his letter. Hence, Sara had no reply as she focused on cleaning the wound.
An awkward quietness collapsed onto the two. It pressed down on them until the stinging pain from her shoulder prompted Kikyo to find a distraction. "You have not answered. A life of servitude for a meager chance to be loved. Is it enough?"
"Of course. Serving Sesshomaru-sama is my lifelong wish. I am content and will continue to be."
Absolute determination poured out from Sara's voice, causing abrupt questions to manifest in Kikyo. Was she so smitten with Sesshomaru that she could not see the possible consequences? Or was she that confident that she would eventually obtain Sesshomaru's love? The last speculation triggered a sense of restlessness to travel around her body. Her self-discipline stifled it as rapidly as it was stimulated. In her partially inattentive state, she found herself asking, "Does the unknown towards a capricious future not bring you distress? Not even for a brief moment?"
"No." Still, Kikyo could sense not a single bit of vacillation from the woman's response.
"... It does not have to be. You have a long future. A future with freedom and many possibilities." The raven-haired miko's voice was infused with an indistinguishable sentiment. Was it sorrow? Or perhaps… envy? Sara could not tell, though she instinctively questioned if Kikyo herself could identify it either.
"I want no part in a bleak future without my Sesshomaru-sama. Centuries or millennia, it does not matter how long. I refuse to give up. I shall wait for the day that Sesshomaru-sama accepts me. The past is nothing but a mirage in the desert. I have nothing left, and I need nothing but my Sesshomaru-sama. Since that fateful day I saw him, my life has changed. Sesshomaru-sama looked at me. I will never forget that fleeting sight. I have never seen anyone as beautiful as him in the world." As soon as she said that, a rambunctious inner voice commented that Kikyo's pulchritude was also irresistible. It was easy to see why the miko and the daiyoukai could be seen as a match made in heaven. The idle imagination was immediately crushed by the mental image of her foot, but not before generating acerbity that lodged in the back of her throat.
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," Kikyo commented nonchalantly.
"Mm, yes. You're correct. Beauty is very subjective." The former Asano could not stop the nod that was far too enthusiastic for her liking. Grabbing the suribachi filled with pre-grinded salve on the table, she mentally kicked herself with a reminder that she need not be despondent. After all, Sesshomaru was not one to care about physical appearance.
"As are most things in life. Love, for instance, is impressionistic and intricate. You cannot control who you love, nor can you tell another to fall for you." The thoughtful remark was used to cover up a sharp intake of breath as the salve-covered dressings came into contact with her wound. Kikyo fought the urge to wince; the pain was worse than she had expected.
"I know. I can't force Sesshomaru-sama to love me. But I can and will continue to change his mind, to captivate him with everything I have." As she wrapped up the wound, the healer's lips twisted into a pained smile. "I will never stop trying. I have never stopped observing him from the moment he left my father's castle." Her head lowered, her eyes darkening. "But... but that dazzling and passionate look. He has never looked at anyone else that way. He has reserved it for one individual... and it is not me!" She gritted her teeth, hard enough to crack them had they been a human's. "You! The woman Sesshomaru-sama cares for like no other. You! It has always been you! You're any woman's greatest hindrance to acquiring Sesshomaru-sama's affection!"
Something within her snapped. A kind of all-encompassing darkness stirred and emerged from deep within. Red overtook her vision. She dropped the gauze, her hand snatching the knife on the tray. Blood rushed into her head. Unleashing a wrathful cry, she grabbed onto her patient's robe and yanked her towards her.
Sanity surged back seconds later. The first thing her awareness took in was that she had tackled Kikyo against the wall. Between being tied up and having her body pressed down, any struggle was futile. Yet, Sara soon realized that the other woman hadn't planned on even trying. Kikyo did not flinch, not when the tip of her blade was hovering an inch away from her jugular.
Her turbulent gaze met unshakable mahoganies. "Wh-why? Why did you not fight back? Do you want to die?!" Breathing heavily, she pulled back and slammed the knife onto the table. The impact it made with the polished surface was as loud as her thundering heartbeats. 'That was close. Too close. I almost committed a deed that Sesshomaru-sama will never forgive me for.'
"I won't deny that is the reason Sesshomaru keeps me in these obnoxious chains," Kikyo said, holding up her bound hands. "I won't retaliate. If you so desire, you may end what your rancor began."
"You have gone mad, death seeker," hissed Sara, "I will admit killing you is an image that invaded my mind more than I wish to count. However, I am not suicidal like you. I have no intention of incurring Sesshomaru-sama's wrath."
"Yet, that was an honest attempt spurred by your heart. Was all the loathing I sensed the only reason you attacked me? Or are the demons more cogent than you be—"
Sara cut in harshly, "I'm the one in control. I'll repeat myself: those lesser demons cannot usurp me. I am the perpetrator in the endeavor. It was all a lapse in judgment. I stopped in time because I'm aware killing you won't erase the longing that endured centuries, nor would it garner any affection from Sesshomaru-sama." Noticing that she was being led astray, the brown-haired woman shook her head and continued, "I'm not here to discuss myself. Sesshomaru-sama. Sesshomaru-sama is the reason I'm here. Do you know how much he cares for you?"
"... I'm aware." Kikyo's voice was filled with nonchalance. Those who knew her character well enough might have discerned the layer of pretense.
Sara glared. The glint in her blue eyes was as cold and sharp as icicles. Kikyo's insouciance sparked irritation within her. Her nails dug into her palms as she suppressed the strongest urge for violence. "Liar! If you do, surely you would not — you cannot — be this cold. Or does his endless pursuit bring you twisted amusement? Sesshomaru-sama wants you by his side. He has chosen you from the numerous women who wish to court him. You have the opportunity of a lifetime! Yet, you squander it! I demand to know why!"
Uncharacteristically, the miko dodged eye contact, her head lowering to use her bangs as a shield. Her hands rolled into fists. There was an ache in her chest that made the pain in her shoulder a blessing in comparison.
"I… Sesshomaru and I are not meant to be. Our ideals and obligations conflict. We are a world apart from each other. We are destined to live separate lives." Quelling her discomfort, she resorted to the same excuse that had gotten her nowhere with the Inu daiyoukai. She latched onto it, desperately trying to stifle the heart that was restless after being compelled to remain dormant for five centuries.
"That's why? That is why you reject him!?" Sara's scoff was dripping with venom. Her hand shot forward, grabbing the miko by the collar again and dragging her close until they were eye-leveled. "You're no saint. You're not even a woman. You're a coward. Sesshomaru-sama never ceased thinking about you — a privilege you frittered away!"
Her grip on the fabric was vicious, like a wolf tearing into its prey. She ignored the soft cough of agony. "Do you know how ecstatic I would be if given the chances you have? You're pathetic. I assumed the woman favored by Sesshomaru-sama would share his feelings. I was wrong. You prattle that 'destiny' forbids your union. What a feeble excuse. I don't understand. I cannot! What does Sesshomaru-sama see in you? Does the bond you share with him constitute so little that—"
"Enough." The miko uttered the word with a frightening calmness but simultaneously carried all the authority in the world. "You know nothing of our bond."
Sara froze, her hand losing grip, which allowed Kikyo to lean back against the wall. The brown-haired healer was accustomed to being on the receiving end of fierce glares. For instance, the look she received from Sesshomaru as he delivered his ultimatum back in the hall was akin to being speared by a lance made of ice. However, even that did not prepare her for the look equivalent to being burned by a red-hot iron. Never before did she believe it was possible to be petrified by a restrained and injured person that she had been holding by the collar. She unwittingly swallowed, unable to control the relief that she felt when Kikyo heaved a soundless sigh and looked up at the ceiling. It was then that the scorching sensation threatening to char her skin diminished.
"You cannot possibly understand... I cannot return his feelings. If my circumvention hurts him, then to reciprocate will only ravage his heart when the time to part comes." Death did not worry her. Kikyo knew from the start that while her journey was a long one, it was still finite. It was the reality of being left behind that drove a wedge into her heart. Under the alias St. Hijiri, she had wandered the earth endlessly, never staying in one place for too long, lest she forged deep bonds. Sesshomaru, Rin, and Kakuju were part of the few exceptions. Although the moments she had spent with Rin and Kakuju were precious and they had lived fulfilling lives, it did not ease the pain she felt when she had stood by their graves with Rin's descendants. If possible, she wanted to spare Sesshomaru the pain she felt.
"What are you talking about? Are you—" Some quiet mutterings, followed by a pair of blue eyes narrowing and then rapidly enlarging. "You… you're afraid… for Sesshomaru-sama's sake…"
It took longer than she preferred, but her rational thinking finally pushed through the fog of rippling emotions. "Ah! That's right. I remember now! There were rumors depicting the miko of the east as a prophet. The destiny you speak of, it's not shrouded in incertitude for you. You can see it. You know what will happen."
At the nod of confirmation, Sara pressed on urgently, "Tell me. Tell me your foresight. I need to know how Sesshomaru-sama is involved."
Like a dragon hoarding its treasure, it was her habit to be taciturn when it came to personal information. But considering that the other woman had demonstrated exceptional perception, Kikyo knew it was time to relent. Besides, it was getting tiresome. Sooner or later, they would unravel the truth regardless of how tightlipped she was. She supposed that informing Sara, who would report to Sesshomaru, was easier than telling the daiyoukai directly. At the very least, she could trust herself to be level-headed without Sesshomaru's presence. "Are you familiar with the prophecy surrounding the Holy Entity and the True Ruler?"
"I've heard mentions from my father when I was a child," replied Sara, somewhat puzzled by the direction of the conversation but choosing to see where it was going. Cautiously, she returned to a sitting position on the edge of the bed and beckoned her patient to let her finish the treatment. Fortunately, the bandages had survived the rough handlings and were still wrapped around her patient — fixing it would not take long. "He said the True Ruler can change the world, to shape it into his desires. Yet, to do so, he must first prove his worth by collecting the four celestial kokuho and earning the approval of The Three Swords of the Honorable Ruler. Thus far, many have tried. But none has been as successful as Sesshomaru-sama, who currently has two kokuho and two swords in his possession."
"Yes. Sesshomaru is the next aspirant to be the True Ruler. He must bring the artifacts to the Ten no Saidan found in the center of the Great Continent." Shifting as best as she could, Kikyo rotated her body until she was sitting comfortably on the bed, with her right side towards Sara. "The Holy Entity — the keeper of four souls — exists to shift the delicate balance between good and evil. The prophecy dictates that she shall relinquish her life as an offering. She shall bring an end to the chaotic world so that the True Ruler can establish a new beginning where he shall rule as envisioned."
Sara blinked as the information struggled to sink in.
"You're telling me… No! That's inconceivable! I—" Her eyes became as circular as the full moon. "The Holy Entity… You're the Holy Entity! The destiny you speak of. Your destiny. Sesshomaru-sama… Does—"
"He has no inkling," Kikyo cut in swiftly, "The ancient scrolls are his only reference. The details are vague and he shall remain oblivious to my role in his coronation. Sesshomaru's destiny lies in changing the world as the True Ruler. As the Holy Entity, it is my fate to ensure that he succeeds in his endeavor. My end approaches, whether I curse another with my duty or accept my death as foretold. Let Sesshomaru believe I despise him. When our eternal parting comes, the pain will be ephemeral."
The blue-eyed maiden was instinctively aware that she was gulping like a fish stranded on land. However, her mind was in too much shock to do anything. It was unknown how long she was trapped in her stupefaction before her brain rebooted. "... Those who live will mourn the dead. You're trying to lessen his pain. Is that it?"
"However?" Kikyo prompted, instantaneously sensing a disagreement.
"However, that's just your arrogant and wishful thinking." Disdain took over as the superior expression. "You told Sesshomaru-sama nothing but expect him to follow your whims. You made all the decisions for him without giving him a choice, all done under the delusion that it is for the best. Your behavior is filled with selfish arrogance. What do you, a miko who has left Sesshomaru-sama for centuries, know what is best for my Sesshomaru-sama?"
It was uncharacteristic for Kikyo to become agitated by the accusation. In her years as a miko, she was used to provocations. Yet, there was something about the love-sick woman that made her fingers itch unconsciously for the feel of her arrows. Taking a deep breath did not resolve the negativity. She could not help but mutter darkly, "I do not suppose you would know."
Sara was thrown off by the abrupt animosity. Despite having tried poking at a nerve earlier, the miko had managed to keep her voice composed. What happened? Why did it suddenly feel like she was a lamb in the clutches of a tiger's jaws?
Her survival instincts kicked in, warning her to trek carefully. Her brows plummeted in concentration. "I— No, I can't know for certain… but I do know that you're the culprit who has stabbed him in the heart, leaving him in constant agony!"
"What alternative do I have?" Even the years of self-control could not stop the slip of desperation that entered Kikyo's voice.
The inquiry rejuvenated Sara's confidence. "If I were given your opportunity, I would have embraced it without hesitation. I am a woman. I have desires. I want the man I love to be with me forever. An eternal cataclysm? That has nothing to do with me. I am under no debt to be the savior, much less bear the burden when I have nothing to gain."
"You would follow your heart despite knowing it's selfish, huh? Alas… who am I to talk." A resigned smile manifested on Kikyo's countenance. Although Sara's words proved to be hypocritical — for 'selfish arrogance' described her mannerism perfectly — she could not ignore her intrepid statements. Sara wanted to be with Sesshomaru… Was that not what her heart desired also? 'I am willing to offer my life so the people can live their lives in peace. Hence, I wish to spare Sesshomaru the pain I felt. Am I selfish for deciding in his place? However, I also cannot deny that I wish to be with him. Is it selfish of me to think like that? I cannot say… Yet, I…'
Why? Her heart demanded. Why was love so contradictory?
Why? Sara pondered as she stared at the miko. Why was love so convoluted?
Thoughts raged like a hurricane in their mind. Unlike the former, the latter swiftly found her conclusion. Kikyo was the center of the problem; she was stubbornly adamant that her purpose in life was to fulfill a prophecy. In the Holy Entity's eyes, love was a distraction at best and a weakness at worst. Duty and love — Kikyo was under a ludicrous belief that they were mutually exclusive. To choose one would mean abandoning the other. 'Her doctrine is absurd. Her foresight has deluded her way of life. Sesshomaru-sama will not obtain the happiness he seeks if she persists. For Sesshomaru-sama to be happy, she will need to live in the present for herself instead of overreaching into a future that is susceptible to changes.'
As long as Kikyo fervently held onto the notion that she was tied down by duty, Sara was convinced that she had no future with Sesshomaru. Jealousy reared its ugly head again, enticing her to do nothing. Sooner or later, Sesshomaru would become infuriated at her dismissive behavior and—
"Yet, I… I yearn to be with Sesshomaru." The tranquil but steadfast utterance was not meant to be heard. Nonetheless, Sara's sharp ears caught it, which consequently jerked her away from her reflections. Astonishment became the first emotion that was registered. Dumbfounded, she refocused her sight on the miko, only to notice that the other woman was staring at the ceiling, as if it suddenly interested her.
"Were you not the one who believed that duty and love cannot coexist? That is the opposite of what you were espousing. What brought that on?" The defensive words slithered out unbidden, her body involuntarily tensing up.
"You did. A flame burns within me, one that you kindled. I cannot deny it any longer. What my heart feels for Sesshomaru, it is real. I should not conceal what I feel." Kikyo's gaze lingered on the white roof, her face indecipherable. On the inside, she was bewildered that she had articulated the declaration. It was even loud enough that Sara heard!
But as she permitted the confession to sink in, it seemed to have the miraculous effect of chasing away the fears that her logic had previously laid out. Her heart hammered inside her chest, filling her with a vigorous drive and daring introspections. Her responsibilities as the Holy Entity were handed to her by the gods. They had granted her foresight, concurrently informing her in advance that she must die for her duty and warning her that she must not tempt fate. However, if the gods wanted her undivided commitment, why was inaction their only response when she and Sesshomaru became intimate? Why assign a vessel with a crucial mission to restore the world's balance, yet allow it to carry a human heart that had desires? They had even ceased her aging once she had physically reached eighteen, a time when human women would wish to experience love.
How inefficient. Their grand scheme was riddled with flaws. Did that mean protecting the world was not part of the gods' agenda? Or were they not so... 'perfect' after all? Could they be wrong? The rebellious skepticism would have been deemed blasphemy by any followers of gods. In fact, had they visited her when she was a child, then the high priests would have flayed her alive. The miko Kikyo would not dare — and her rationale would agree — but the heart that pulsated strongly for Sesshomaru urged her to delve into the deliberation.
Having been taught to follow the gods' will from a young age made her find easy acceptance when it came to her tragic fate. Her existence as the Holy Entity had become her sanctuary, her bearing in her long life. She knew no other purpose before meeting Sesshomaru.
"Everything has to do with desires. And ours align. You seek peace. I intend to have you by my side. They are not irreconcilable. Cease hiding behind your talk of duty and follow your desire. Come with me."
"You have yet to learn that nothing matters but your own desire. You carry conflict because you care for others. You have power rivaling that of my caliber. We, the strong, ought not to be compromised. The world obliges our desires. We do not bend our whims to others."
The daiyoukai's many ambitious assertions reverberated inside her. Although she could dismiss them before, her introspections had granted them the power to poke holes into her veiled comfort zone. They forced her to admit that the sanctuary she had believed could shield her weary soul was, in fact, no different than a prison.
"Do you know how ecstatic I would be if given the chances you have? You're pathetic. I assumed the woman favored by Sesshomaru-sama would share his feelings. I was wrong. You prattle that 'destiny' forbids your union. What a feeble excuse. I don't understand. I cannot! What does Sesshomaru-sama see in you? Does the bond you share with him constitute so little that—"
Subsequently, Sara's words had enlarged the holes, which allowed the passion she had been suppressing to soak into her bones.
Sara did not understand the bond she had with Sesshomaru. It was real and robust and surpassed imagination. No one could comprehend it except themselves. Never did Kikyo want to abandon it. Despite everything that had happened between them, she knew that their connection was never severed. Their powerful bond, formed by their strong feelings, had prevailed against the tides of time. Thus, was it presumptuous to believe that Sesshomaru and her — together — could overwrite the imperfect gods' wishes and conquer fate?
'The future is not a straight line. The prophecy shall be fulfilled, for the people of this land. However, it shall not be the gods that control my fate. It shall be by my hand that my destiny is weaved. And what awaits us beyond the supposed end, no one can answer.'
"Good for you." Kikyo heard Sara's muttering despite the thoughts rampaging inside her and noted that the remark had come out as bitter sarcasm without much effort.
There was an inferior sensation that was crushing the former Asano's spirits. She pushed it aside; it was not the first time it surfaced and she doubted it would be the last. Ignoring the acidity that seemed to fill her stomach, she preoccupied her mind by concentrating on her assignment. Fortunately, Kikyo said nothing else afterward, leaving her to do her own business.
Securing the dressings did not take long. Sara wasted no time before turning her attention to the gauze wrapped around her patient's abdomen. Removing the layers, she saw that the skin was blemished by claw-like lacerations. A quick examination and she noted that the previous doctor had done an exceptional job. The wound was in the progress of healing. It probably would not be long until the scar became unnoticeable on the pale skin. Still, she applied some salve and replaced the bandages. Once the treatment was completed, she stood up and gathered her medical supplies, seeing no further reason to stay in the same room as her rival.
With the tray in hand, Sara headed for the door but got no further than a step before feeling a firm tug from her cape. Looking over her shoulder, she noticed that Kikyo had awkwardly grabbed onto the end of her outfit. She pursed her lips and did her best to keep her voice as impersonal as she could. "Do you need something? Your wounds are dressed. I need to return to Sesshomaru-sama to give my appraisal."
"Do not tell Sesshomaru anything regarding the prophecy."
"Why not?" The host of the manor narrowed her eyes, sprinkles of anger seeping through.
"I will inform him. He needs to hear it from me." It was her initial idea to have Sara relay the information but that was before she had decided to cease denying her feelings. Regardless of what the future held, it was time she stopped depriving the daiyoukai of the knowledge that he should have been given. No longer would she try to confront their problems alone. She would tell him and they would decide together.
"... Of course. That would be the best." The reply was curt, as Sara struggled to suppress the contemptuous retort that nearly flew out of her throat. "Is there anything else?"
The miko's response was to let go of the clothing. Disinclined to remain in the room for even a second longer, she took her exit as fast as her legs could while maintaining the impression that she was walking rather than running.
Kikyo observed her retreating back silently, her unruffled brown orbs fixed on a corner of the other woman's trailing cape. A flicker and she caught sight of what she was looking for on the underside. Satisfied, she waited until she was left alone before returning to her deliberations.
What should be her next course of action?
What could she be doing?
What should she be doing?
The same inquiries manifested. But this time, there was a spark of hope in the stead of uncertainty as she searched for the answers from a new angle.
More Author's Notes: Whew, writing a "war" between two women is more taxing than I had imagined. It ended up longer than expected and I had to scrap 6 other versions. But hopefully, this chapter managed to show Sara's devotion as well as Kikyo's dilemma. Mix the two and we got the fireworks that are depicted here, lol!
Next time: Chapter 42-Restraints and Suppression.
Take care everyone and until next time!