Realized I made a mistake with the timeline of Emily being gone. I've made it 22 months instead of a year and a half. Just fyi :)
Present Day
Lee couldn't sleep. As tired as he was, his brain wasn't having it. He lay there thinking about everything, and he kept feeling different emotions rise and fall with each thought. Then he pictured Emily trying to sleep on his pullout, and he wondered if she was feeling just as much turmoil as he was.
He let out a long sigh and sat up. There was no use in trying to sleep if he was just gonna lie there. He slid out of bed and walked quietly to the living room. He could see Emily's shape on the pullout after he turned the hall light on and it revealed her. She lifted her head a moment later.
"Lee?" she said.
He walked over to the chair next to the pullout and sat down, resting his elbows on his knees and his chin on his folded hands.
"What's wrong?" she asked, sitting up now and facing him.
"You wanna talk," he said. "So talk."
"Right now?"
"Yes. Apparently I can't sleep until I've heard it all." He watched her adjust and sit up even more. She pushed her hair back with her hand.
"Okay," she said.
"Go ahead," he instructed, waiting. She nodded and told him about figuring out who he and his team were and how she'd entered his circle. Then she got into more details about their time together, and Lee felt like his heart was going to hurt forever.
July 2013
Despite getting a bang on her head from tubing, Emily had a great afternoon with Lee, Tia, and Caesar. Maya had a lot of fun with Louis, and she felt so happy her daughter was making a friend. It was moments like these that made her forget what she was really doing here.
And then she overheard Fred and Ethan talking about the Expendables, and she knew it would only be a matter of time before they figured it out. And anyway, all the men had the same tattoo (despite not seeing Toll's or Barney's, she figured it was on them somewhere), so it wouldn't be hard to put it together.
She went to help Serena make dinner to avoid being alone with either of them. She hated to admit that Fred scared her.
"Well?" Serena asked, looking at her as she began to help peel carrots. "How was it?"
"Good. Maya had a great time."
"You looked like you were having a great time too," Serena pointed out. Emily felt a slight blush on her cheeks at this. She did, but she was afraid to admit that to herself let alone her friend.
She got through dinner, noticing Ethan getting more bitter as Maya chattered about her new friend Louis and their afternoon together. Fred kept looking at Emily, and she didn't know why. Did he suspect her? Did he think she'd brought the Expendables here as back up? She hoped not.
Once Maya was in bed, Emily tried to take her mind off things by reading. Ethan turned in before too long, but she still wasn't tired. It was quite late as she stood on the deck, thinking, and then the war started.
"STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS!" Fred roared.
"All I asked was if you had a good trip!" Serena shouted back. Emily went to hover by the door, listening.
"I've told you to never ask me about work," Fred went on, furious.
"And why not?" Serena challenged. "What's so secret about it?"
"It's none of your damn business!"
Emily went to get Maya at this point. She couldn't get involved again, and she didn't want Maya to be afraid. Her daughter didn't wake up when she went to pick her up. She went out the side door since Fred and Serena were now in the living room.
She made her way over to Barney's cottage, and in that moment, she hoped that maybe one of them would somehow be there at this time of night to talk to.
Present Day
Emily still remembered their conversation that night, and it seemed Lee did too by the way he was looking at his hand. She didn't know why she'd reached for it that night, but she'd just wanted some kind of comfort and to give him the same, so it felt right.
"Were your parents really killed in a bank robbery gone bad?" he inquired now.
"Yes," she answered.
"But you said you only had an aunt..."
"And that was also true except I did have a brother, Wyatt. He was eight years older than me and already working for the CIA and couldn't take me to live with him. I didn't get to see him much. Then he was killed, and I was truly alone."
"Stonebanks killed him," Lee confirmed, remembering.
"Yes. My brother had been looking into him, and it got him killed."
She watched him take in this information, and he nodded slowly.
"And the rest of it?" he asked now. "Was it all a lie?"
"No. Lee, I'll keep saying it: The only things I didn't tell you were about my brother and me working for Church. That's it. I swear."
He looked uncertain, and she didn't blame him. She dared to move closer and put her hands on his knees lightly.
"I loved every moment with you," she said. "I loved the idea of having a normal life, a family. You convinced me to let you in, and I did. I let you in, Lee."
"It's why you were so hesitant to, though," he commented.
"You know, you hadn't exactly been truthful to me about who you were either," she pointed out.
"No, but that's because I didn't want..." Lee stopped abruptly, breaking his gaze and looking away now.
"Didn't want what?" she urged. "Tell me."
"I didn't want you to leave," he answered finally. "I thought if you knew who I really was, you'd want nothing to do with me."
"That would not have happened."
"But I didn't know that, did I? Just like I didn't know you were lying to me too."
"How is it fair that your lie was acceptable and mine is not?" she challenged, making him stiffen a bit.
"Because I didn't intend on faking my death and breaking you into pieces," he shot back. She gripped his knees a bit tighter.
"I didn't intend to do that," she corrected. "That was a very last minute decision because it was the only way I could save Maya and get Fred to relax enough to hopefully slip up and make a mistake later on."
"When you said you were just gonna use me, that's the truth, isn't it?" Lee asked now. She grew a bit frustrated and stood up so that she was towering over him now.
"You wouldn't let it go," she said a bit angrily. "I told you we should just be friends and stay platonic, but you kept trying and pushing and eventually made me think that something could actually happen and work between us, so that's when I decided to finally let you in. You made me feel like I could trust you..."
"Clearly not entirely," he cut in.
"I was going to!" she exclaimed, starting to pace now. "I was going to, but it all happened so fast, and I didn't get to."
"You could have," he insisted. She was weary now, and she sank back down onto the pullout and dropped her head into her hands.
"Fred went at me that night after our afternoon together on the lake," she said now. "He was going at Serena again, and I couldn't help myself and jumped in, and he choked me against the wall and told me to mind my own business before smacking my face hard and making me fall down."
She knew Lee was remembering the hand print on her face. She'd kept away for a few days to avoid him seeing it while it was fresh.
"You should have come for me," he said finally.
"I almost did," Emily whispered.
July 2013
Her face was stinging hard, and she was crying. Emily slipped outside and went somewhere private to cry harder. Fred had gotten so out of hand tonight, and she didn't know how to deal with it. She didn't know how to fight, not very well. Church had advised she didn't need to know these types of skills in order to gather information. She wished she had insisted on learning anyway.
She walked the trail around the island before coming to Barney's cottage. She hovered at the edge, wanting desperately to go in there and tell them what was going on, to tell Lee she needed help. She'd contacted Church the day before, and he'd been very clear that she wasn't to reveal herself. He wouldn't say why, but she had to trust him. She did trust him. He'd been her handler for eight years, and he'd helped her out with Maya in the beginning in getting her a better place to live and ensuring they had funds for any emergencies. Emily always wondered if Church did this out of guilt for her brother dying, that perhaps he'd failed to protect her brother somehow and wanted to make up for it by looking after her. She figured she would never know.
Just tell him, her inner voice said. Tell him. Tell him!
She took a step forward, then another. She stopped, standing there staring at the cottage. Her heart was beating fast. It could all be over if she just went in there and told him.
But then she thought about Maya. If it all went badly, her daughter would be in danger. She couldn't have that. So she slowly backed away and moved out of sight.
A Week Later
Emily was wrapped up in Lee's hoodie and thinking about how he'd almost kissed her when she heard footsteps going past her bedroom door. She lifted her head to look at the alarm clock, and it said it was pretty late. Curious, she got up and followed her friend, who made her way over to where Toll was fishing. She eavesdropped a little, noticing that her friend was sounding a little bit flirty. It made her feel curious. Was Serena finally realizing there was someone better than Fred out there? She hoped so. She didn't hang around, wanting to give them privacy. She went back to her bed and then lay there thinking again about both times Lee had almost kissed her that day. It made her feel conflicted inside. She wanted him, wanted to be in his life, but how could she be?
The only comfort she gained was knowing that Lee and his team could help her if she really needed them, and she was feeling more and more like that might be the case as Fred got more secretive and Ethan got more boisterous. She wasn't getting any answers to things, and this also scared her. It was hard to follow either of them around without them wondering why. She couldn't help but feel like things were about to blow up and soon.
She gave herself a shake. She didn't want to fall asleep thinking about that. Instead, she hugged Lee's hoodie tighter against her and breathed in his scent. Then she put it on. He definitely knew what he was doing by giving that to her, but she also let it happen. Regardless of trying to stay platonic, she couldn't help but slowly fall for him. He gave her back hope that she could be okay, that she and Maya could add someone new to their family.
She wanted it very much, but she just didn't know how to get it or if she even deserved it.
The Next Day
I made a wish that Lee would be my dad someday.
These words were on repeat in Emily's head as she fed Maya breakfast and watched her go outside to play. She'd kept a wary eye on Ethan, wondering why he had talked to Fred about Lee earlier. What had he done? She hadn't wanted to ask him outright, though.
Then Ethan had the audacity to kiss her, and she'd left with Lee to go out in the canoe where she'd gotten dumped out and then caught in a storm.
Now, as she sat with Maya in dry clothes again, she thought about how she'd recognized that look in Lee's eyes that said he wanted to be a part of their family. She guessed it was on his mind a lot too. She wondered if he could see in hers how badly she'd wanted him to kiss her on that dock, how much she'd wanted to but had stopped herself.
"Where did you go to take shelter?" Maya asked now, bringing her attention back.
"We turned the canoe upside down and hid under it."
"And it worked?"
"Yes."
"Cool."
"Tell me more about your fort," Emily encouraged, and Maya launched into the details of how Caesar had made it while Barney gave orders that were promptly ignored. Gunner had apparently made up a bunch of different, nonsensical songs to make them laugh, which helped her and Louis not think about the storm. Emily had to hand it to these guys. For not having children (Caesar excluded), they sure knew how to take care of kids.
I made a wish that Lee would be my dad someday. Ask him to marry you!
"You really love them all, don't you?" Emily asked, thinking about her daughter's words again, and Maya stopped coloring to look at her.
"I do," she answered honestly. "Is that bad?"
"Not at all, sweetheart," Emily answered. "That's actually quite amazing, and I'm happy you've connected with them so well."
"Do we really have to say goodbye forever when they leave?" Maya asked now. "Can't we stay in touch?"
"I'm not sure..."
"Please, Mum? Pleeaase? I really like Louis, and I don't want to go back to not having any friends again. Can we please find a way to keep them in our lives?"
Her daughter's pleading eyes was hard to look at. Emily felt torn again.
Have I changed your mind?
She'd told Lee not yet, but truthfully, he almost had. She couldn't stop imagining what kissing him would be like, and she also couldn't stop seeing him at their future events. What was wrong with her? She really shouldn't be doing this. She had a job to do.
But what happened when that job was over?
She swallowed. Would Serena even want anything to do with her once she found out Emily had been spying on her brother and boyfriend all this time? She didn't think so, and if that was true, then where would she end up? And if she let Lee in and it failed? What then? She couldn't handle that.
"Why don't you wash up for supper?" she suggested to Maya now, who nodded and went to do so. She found Ethan in the kitchen chopping lettuce. She gave him a wide berth.
"I really wish you wouldn't fight it, Em," he said, and she ignored him. She so badly wanted to get away from him and Fred, but it would be hard to leave Serena behind.
"And I really wish you'd just let it go," she retorted, grabbing some leftovers to heat up for Maya. Thankfully, Ethan stopped talking when Maya joined them, and Emily watched him leave a bit later with his food to eat it outside.
"Haha," Maya said now, holding up her hot dog that was pulled apart into strips and leaving a section at the top intact. "Octopus!"
Emily gave a laughing snort and passed her the ketchup. She let herself get lost in her daughter's imagination for a while. It just seemed to make things a little bit better.
Present Day
Lee sat there quietly when Emily stopped talking. She knew there was more to say, but she recognized when he needed time to process. He rubbed a hand over his face, head, and neck before dropping it and sighing loudly.
"You didn't want to let me into your life because you didn't want to jeopardize what you were doing," he said finally.
"That's right."
"But then you did," he reminded her, his eyes meeting hers. She shivered, remembering it all too well.
"Because you were worth it," she whispered. He looked almost sad for a moment, and she didn't know what to think.
"I saw you all the time," he said quietly.
"What do you mean?"
"You were a ghost," he answered. "Only I could see you and talk to you. You would just show up randomly and hang around or come and go. Even though it hurt me to know you weren't real, it brought me comfort that you were there."
Emily hung her head a little. She really wished she had just walked away and not felt as though she had to finish things with Fred before finally being safe and free. She'd been scared, though, that he'd come after Maya still...that he'd figure out Ethan hadn't killed her like he'd assumed.
Which in the end, he had anyway.
"The man who killed Billy," she said, startling Lee a bit now. She'd gotten more answers from Church about it, so she knew the real, full story. "Did you get revenge?"
"Yea..."
"Would you have done anything to get it?" she inquired, and he held her gaze without blinking for a moment.
"Probably," he finally answered.
"Then you have to understand why I did what I did," she said. "Fred threatened my daughter, tried to kill me and all of you, and killed my only friend."
"She was an agent too, did you know that?" Lee asked, and Emily felt like her heart was going to stop. She stared at him, not comprehending.
"What?" she asked.
"She was also CIA," he clarified.
"No," Emily said, feeling chills now. "No, that's not true."
"Church said so. He said he was her handler."
"Church?!" He'd known?! He'd been her handler too?! This was despicable. All this time she could have had a partner, but neither of them had known the other was CIA. How was this possible?
"It was probably a safety thing," Lee said now. "So you wouldn't risk outing each other accidentally."
"It would have been nice to know," Emily insisted. "I felt so alone all that time..." Maybe Serena had known. She'd never find out now. The only thing that now made sense was the fact that Serena had stayed with Fred. It somehow made Emily feel better that her friend hadn't stayed because she'd wanted to—she'd had to.
"I'm going to try and sleep again," Lee said after a moment.
"Okay."
They both stood, and she wanted to say more, but she didn't know what she could say that she hadn't already said. When he went to walk past her, she reacted out of instinct and grabbed his arm to pull him back towards her. His arms instinctively went around her, and she caught the nape of his neck to bring him down that little bit so she could kiss him. She thought he'd fight it at first, and he was hesitant, but then he unleashed almost two year's worth of longing on her and made her weak in the knees. Eventually, he took hold of her wrists and pressed her against the wall, kissing her deeper and more urgently. He let her go after a moment, tangling one hand in her hair and putting the other on her waist. She dared to slip her hands onto his skin under his shirt, and that seemed to snap him out of it.
"No," he said, out of breath. He rested his head against the wall beside hers, his hands flat on the wall on either side of her head now. "Don't do this to me."
"I'm sorry. I just thought..."
"Thought what?" he asked, pulling back to look at her now. "That you could just make me forget? That I'd be too tired to realize what was happening?"
"I thought I could be like you and show that I'm serious and make you see that we're meant to be together."
He laughed softly, which hurt, but she knew she deserved it.
"No," he said again once he'd calmed down. "We're not going to be together, Em. You decided that for us the day you died almost two years ago."
"Lee..."
He turned away and moved to walk back to his bedroom. Emily hugged herself with one arm and pressed her hand into her face. She knew it was stupid to even try that. Why had she? She guessed she'd just missed him desperately and thought it would somehow make him not hate her as much.
She went back to her pullout and curled into a ball, still feeling pain from her injuries, but the pain in her heart was so, so much more.