Present Day
Lee still couldn't sleep. He was thinking there was no point now since it was nearly six in the morning. He messaged Tia that he'd be late picking up Maya and then buried his head under his pillow. His breathing was even and slow in an attempt to fall asleep, but it wasn't working.
All he could think about was kissing Emily.
He knew why she'd done it. Hell, he would have done the same thing in her position. He knew that despite her doing this to him, she'd missed him just as much, but he hadn't been dishonest with her to this extent, and he'd planned on telling her he was a mercenary. They were not going to be together now. He just couldn't do it. The trust was broken, and no matter what she said, he didn't feel he could get it back.
Could he?
There was some doubt in there now, and it pressed against his heart. If roles were reversed, wouldn't he do or say anything to prove he'd done it for good and not bad? To get her to forgive him? His brain spun once more, and he groaned. He got up again and walked to his bedroom door, pulling it open to find Emily standing there.
"What're you doing?" he asked.
"I...I don't even know," she replied. "I guess I was thinking I should just leave."
"Why?" This question surprised him as much as her. Was he stupid? His words alone would be enough for anyone to leave.
"Well...I figured you were serious when you said we weren't going to be together, and you obviously don't want to hear any more of the story, so I guess I thought I'd just leave and wait to hear from Barney about Maya."
"So you're just gonna give up," he stated. She opened and closed her mouth.
"Wait," she said finally, "are you saying I shouldn't?"
"I wouldn't," he told her. Emily stood there looking at him for a moment and then scoffed lightly.
"You're confusing the shit out of me, Lee," she said. "You're saying two different things..."
"Because I am confused!" he exclaimed. "I'm confused and angry and broken and...and happy."
"Happy?"
"Just because I'm pissed at you doesn't mean I'm not happy you're still alive," he advised. "I'm angry you did this to me but also know I'd have done the same damn thing."
"So what are you saying?" she inquired.
"I have no idea," he confessed. "I'm tired and overwhelmed right now."
"Me too," she agreed. They stood there for a moment, and Lee had no idea what he was doing when he took her hand and pulled her into his room towards his bed. She curled on her right side with him behind her, his arm across her stomach and his face pressed close to her neck. Neither of them made a move to do other than that. Lee wondered if he was somehow betraying himself by doing this, but in the end, he decided he didn't care. It was what he'd longed for all this time.
"I'm scared, Lee," she whispered now, turning in his arms to face him.
"Of what?"
"Of what Fred is gonna do when he finds me...what he'll do to Maya."
Lee felt himself soften towards her a bit more again. This still wasn't over for her, and he knew she was still scared Maya was going to get hurt.
"He doesn't know she's alive," he pointed out.
"He does now," she answered. "He found out." Lee worked his jaw lightly, thinking.
"Then we keep Maya hidden somewhere for a bit," he replied.
"Okay."
Lee looked at her in the morning light and knew he couldn't stay mad at her forever. He could see the worry and fear in her eyes about Maya, and he understood she thought she'd made the right choice at the time.
"I wish you had just told me," he said. "I would have helped. We all would have helped."
"I know," she whispered.
"So why keep me in the dark?"
"I guess I also didn't want you to think that was the only reason I wanted you around," she admitted. "I didn't want to be the person who needed saving."
"Helping is not the same as saving."
"You're right," she agreed. "I guess I just couldn't figure that out at the time. I just wanted to be Emily, the girl you liked...nothing else." She searched his face, and he felt the pull, but he didn't engage in it. He did reach to rest his fingers on her cheek, and she closed her eyes and rested a hand over his heart in return. After all this time imagining her, having her there in person felt surreal.
A tear slid over his fingers now, and then Emily was crying harder and burying her face against his chest. He held her close, not knowing what to do or say.
"I'm sorry," Emily said. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
Lee just held on, knowing she meant it but also still feeling a bit angry inside. He didn't know if that feeling would ever truly go away, and that worried him. When she stopped crying, she kept her face pressed against his shoulder near his heart.
"Will you ever forgive me?" she asked now, her voice barely audible.
"I need time," he answered after a moment. She nodded.
"Okay. I understand."
She pulled back from him now, wiping at her face and sitting up gingerly. She pressed a hand over her ribs and winced. She gave a groan and cleared her throat, trying to be tougher than she felt. Lee waited because he could see she had more to say, and when she looked at him after a moment, he wasn't disappointed.
July 2013
"You might need to talk to Barney," Church said. Emily held the sat phone to her ear tighter. Fred and Ethan were gone, and Serena was over talking to Toll while Maya was reading by the dock.
"Why?" she asked. "You said to leave them out of it." He was confusing the shit out of her.
"That was before he found out about the guns on the island, and you're gonna get caught up in something big here before you know it."
"Then pull me out," she hissed, turning away from Maya.
"I can't. You know how suspicious that would look? He's already on edge."
"So that's it then? I'm on my own?"
"You're not on your own. You have Barney."
"What if he doesn't want to help me?"
"He can't help himself. Don't worry."
"You have an awful lot of faith in people who you've described as psychotic."
"They're good at what they do. Trust me."
The call was ended, and Emily did not have a very good feeling in her stomach. She wasn't getting much information about what was about to go down—she never did get it in the past. That was the part she hated the most: being in the dark.
"Mum?" Maya asked, making her spin to see her daughter standing there. "Who were you talking to?"
Emily's throat went dry. So her daughter had heard after all. She stood there trying to think of something to say when Maya tilted her head to the right.
"You're not allowed to tell me, are you?" she asked.
"It's a grown up thing," Emily replied, nodding. "And it stays between you and me, okay?"
"Okay."
Her heart was hammering a little bit. What if Maya accidentally said something in front of Fred, Ethan, or Serena about her secret phone call? She went a bit closer to her daughter and put her hands on Maya's shoulders lightly.
"I mean it," she said firmly. "This is an ultra secret between you and me. For our safety."
"I promise," Maya said back. "I won't tell anyone."
"Thank you." Emily wondered how much she'd heard, but she really hadn't revealed that much in the conversation...nothing Maya would fully understand anyway.
"Do we really have to have a fire with Ethan and Fred?" Maya asked now as they headed back to the cottage. Emily had the sat phone tucked in the back of her pants.
"They seem to want to make an effort," Emily replied.
"I wanted to see Louis," Maya said with a slight whine.
"I know." She did too. She wanted to be around Lee and having fun, not sitting here wondering if Ethan and/or Fred knew she was spying on them for the CIA.
As Maya went to wash up, Emily went to put the phone back in its hiding place. She heard the boat returning with Fred and Ethan, and she took in some breaths to brace herself. They were going out more and talking together secretly more, so she knew Church was right in that something big was coming.
She just hoped it wouldn't hurt her or Maya.
...
Her feet took her to Barney's, and she sat with her back to the boathouse, her feet in the water. No one was there, but it didn't matter. She was also fine with being alone.
She pressed her hands into her eyes, feeling like she could cry. Ethan's words rang in her head. It was true. She didn't let people in. The only person she let in was her daughter, and even then she couldn't share her deepest, darkest fears or secrets. She was afraid to let Lee in, though. She was afraid what would happen.
"Rough day?"
She turned her head to see Barney standing there.
"You could say that," she answered. He nodded slowly.
"You wanna be alone?"
"You can stay if you want. It's your place," she added with a chuckle. He smiled and pulled the wooden chair a bit closer before sitting down. He lit his cigar next.
"You look like you've got a lot on your mind," Barney said.
"I do."
"Wanna talk about it?"
"Not really."
"That's fine," Barney said, puffing out smoke slowly. "It's also fine if you change your mind."
"Thank you."
They sat there together in the oncoming darkness, and Emily discovered she didn't feel so alone. It was kind of nice. She studied him, thinking about what Church said. The more she thought about it, the more she realized she would be smart to do this, to reveal herself.
"I know who you are," Emily said. Barney gave a slight grunt followed by a cough. She looked at him to see surprise on his face.
"Come again?" he asked.
"Your team works for the CIA," she went on. "Church told me."
"Church? How the hell do you know Church?"
"He's my handler," Emily answered. Barney stared at her in shock.
"Wait a minute, wait a minute," he said quickly, holding up a hand. "You work for the CIA?"
"Yes."
"Doing what?"
"Working to take down Fred and Ethan," Emily answered. "And Fred's boss."
"And Serena?"
"She's an innocent bystander in all of this. She has no idea what's going on."
"So what, you befriended her to get closer to these idiots?" Barney asked.
"Pretty much."
"And Maya?"
"Unplanned, but it helped my cover."
"Wow," Barney said, leaning back in his chair and resting his fingers on his face. "Is she Ethan's daughter?"
"No."
"Isn't it dangerous? Having her involved while you're working?"
"She keeps me safe," Emily answered. "As crazy as that sounds. No one suspects the poor, broken single mom of working for the CIA."
"How long?"
"Long enough. I was working at Runway with Serena and told to become better friends with her in order to get closer to Fred."
"How long have you been working this mission?"
"Eight years," Emily answered.
"Why this long? Haven't you gotten any good intel?"
"Lots, and I've helped take down a lot of bad people, but they want Fred's boss, and he's harder to find."
"Who's the boss?"
"I don't know his name. They won't tell me." She watched him look thoughtful at this.
"It's a dangerous game you're playing," Barney pointed out.
"I know," she said softly.
"Does Lee know?"
"He has no idea."
Barney sucked his teeth, nodding slowly. There was only the sound of water lapping and crickets for a moment while he pondered on what to say next.
"I suppose you need me to keep this quiet," he said finally.
"It would be greatly appreciated."
"Why did you reveal yourself to me?" he asked, curious.
"Because I need to know someone has my back if this goes for a shit," Emily replied, leaving out the fact Church had told her to.
"You know Lee would..."
"I need him to not think of me as a spy or someone who needs saving," Emily interrupted. "I need him to see me as normal because I want to be normal when this is all over."
"He won't care, Emily. He's crazy about you. You could be a psychotic killer with toenails for trophies, and I think he'd still look past it."
Emily burst into muffled laughter at this, and Barney cracked a smile back at her.
"I've never done that," she said once she calmed down.
"What?"
"Killed someone."
"You just gather intel?"
"Yes."
"Well, hopefully you won't need to defend yourself," Barney said.
Emily shivered. "I hope not either."
"I don't like keeping secrets from my friend," Barney added, "but I will for now. You gotta tell him, though." Before she could answer, they both heard the screen door creak open at the cottage, and they stopped talking. Barney got to his feet and gave her a nod, disappearing into the darkness as Lee appeared.
"Hey," he said.
"Hey," she said back. Then she smiled.
Present Day
"I knew it," Lee said, feeling slightly aggravated. Emily sat there watching him, and he ground his jaw as he reflected on that evening. He remembered thinking he was missing something when he found her there, and he'd been right.
"In hindsight, I wish I had told you that night as well," she advised, her voice full of regret. He scoffed.
"You trusted Barney more than you trusted me," he said. "That hurts."
"That's not why I told him over you. You know why..."
"I do, but it still hurts, Emily," he interrupted. He got up now, beginning to pace a little bit. Barney had known. Barney had kept it from him. He was feeling angry at his friend all over again, not that he'd stopped.
"Do you want me to continue?" Emily asked, sounding hesitant. Lee knew there was going to be more things he'd be angry about, but that was the nature of things right now. He just had to endure it.
"Fine," he muttered. Then he braced himself.
July 2013
Emily had snuck away while Maya was sleeping and Serena was taking a shower, and she found Barney standing on the trail behind their cottages waiting for her. Fred and Ethan still hadn't returned yet, so they were safe for the moment.
"What's going on?" she asked him. They'd exchanged numbers the day after their talk, and he'd texted her to ask her to meet him.
"Come on," he said, gesturing. They walked further down the trail until he branched off into the brush. She gingerly followed. They reached a quiet spot, and he stopped. A figure moved in the shadows, and Emily felt a yelp building but managed to keep it down.
"Took you long enough," Church said, his blue eyes flashing with annoyance. His head wasn't as neatly shaved as usual, and he was growing a slight beard. She breathed a sigh of relief that it was him and not Fred or Ethan surprising her.
"It's hard to be sneaky on a small island," Barney retorted back. He bent down and began moving dirt. Emily watched as he unearthed a box, and she inhaled sharply as he revealed all the guns inside of it.
"Alright," Church said. "This is good. This is very good."
"You want the buyer, right?"
"Yes."
Emily was about to say it was Fred's boss, but Church met her eyes and gave a slight shake of his head. She closed her mouth, puzzled. Why wasn't he telling Barney everything? She didn't dare admit she already had.
"We're keeping an eye on him," Barney promised. "And I've learned about Emily, so she's gonna let me know if anything comes up."
Emily watched as Church stepped up close to Barney and stopped right in front of his face. She wondered what he was doing when he spoke.
"You keep her safe, you hear me?" Church ordered. "Her and the kid. A hair gets touched, and you'll have me to answer to."
"I hear you," Barney replied.
"Good."
"So what...we just wait?" Emily said now, feeling a bit touched that Church cared about her and Maya enough to threaten Barney if he didn't keep them safe.
"For now," Church confirmed. "He's antsy. He's gonna move them soon. Then we'll get 'im."
"And I can be done with all of this, right?" Emily asked.
"If we get the buyer, yes."
Emily growled to herself. She was tired of this. She wanted out, no matter if they got the damn buyer or boss or whatever the hell Church was calling him these days.
"No," she said firmly. "I'm done after this. I want out."
Church stared at her, and Barney watched them both with bated breath. Church gave a slight shake of his head and a small laugh.
"You'd throw away all this time and effort by quitting if you didn't get the guy who is responsible for you being here in the first place?"
"I've had enough, Church. I want a normal life, and not just for me, but for Maya," she insisted.
"Fine," he said, annoyed again. "When this is over, we'll talk."
"Fine."
"I gotta go," Church said now. "I'll be in touch."
She and Barney watched him disappear, and then they looked at each other.
"Stay sharp," Barney said, and she nodded.
"Do you need help?" she asked, referring to the box.
"Nah. I got it. You better get back."
She nodded and thanked him before leaving. She found Serena in a robe and with a towel around her hair with the TV on. She sat down beside her friend and wondered if Serena knew anything about any of this or if she really was as clueless as she appeared.
Present Day
Emily took a pause and tried to ignore the hunger pains she was feeling now. She couldn't remember the last time she'd eaten anything. Lee heard them, though, and he glanced at her.
"I can make you something," he offered.
"Just something light," she answered. Her stomach was still recovering from the blows Fred had given her. She followed Lee to the kitchen and had her help declined, so she sat and watched him fry up some eggs and put bread in the toaster. Coffee had never tasted so good when she had some a few moments later.
She fidgeted with the mug, thinking about what Fred had planned for her. She was glad he hadn't had the time. When Lee slid her over a plate of food, she picked at it. He sat across from her, and she felt a lump forming in her throat.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"I know you're angry with me," she started, her voice becoming teary, "but I'm so, so grateful that you found me. Lee, he was gonna do terrible things to me." She felt some tears slide down her cheeks, and he held her gaze. She saw a myriad of things there, but compassion was one of them.
"I'm sorry," she said when he stayed quiet. "I can't seem to stop crying."
"It's been an emotional last 24 hours," he stated.
"Yes, but I have no right to be blubbering and making myself look like a victim," she insisted. "I hurt you, and I'm starting to believe I won't be able to come back from that."
"You might," he replied, sticking a piece of toast into his mouth. She wasn't sure how to take this. Was he just playing a game with her? She didn't think so. He wasn't that type of person, and she knew he was dealing with a lot of hurt right now and trying to process everything she was telling him.
"What's Maya been up to?" she asked now, thinking a subject change might help.
"Missing her mother," he answered, and she wilted a bit. So much for that.
"That's fair," she said. She fidgeted with her napkin. What would Maya say when she saw her again? It was something Emily had thought about for a while now.
"That night," Lee said suddenly, making her look at him again. "What made you decide to let me in?"
"I just realized that it was crazy to deny myself a life because I was going to be finished with the CIA soon and didn't want to have any regrets."
"Barney didn't want me to sleep with you that night," Lee added now, and she felt surprised.
"He didn't?"
"No, but I guess that's cos he knew something about you that I didn't. He was looking out for me."
Emily didn't know what to say to this, but Lee was finished talking about it. She was still picking at her food when Lee finished and rinsed off his dishes.
"I'm gonna take a shower," he told her. "Then we'll finish our talk."
"Okay."
She watched his receding back, hoping that once she finished her story, he'd be able to make a choice about whether or not he still wanted her in his life.
...
Lee was thinking as he showered. He thought about the conversation he'd had with Emily after they'd finally shared physical intimacy with each other. She'd talked about what would happen to Maya if something had happened to her, and it made his stomach clench. She'd been privy to information that something could have happened to her; it didn't feel like a coincidental premonition anymore. He wondered if Emily knew then that she was going to fake her death, if that had been the last minute she'd referred to. He guessed he'd have to wait for her to finish her story before finding that out.
Sighing heavily, he finished getting dressed after his shower and quietly went into Maya's room. He just needed to be close to her somehow. He needed to figure out how he was going to tell her that her mother had lied. He curled up on her bed and slid his hand under her pillow to try and get comfortable. His fingers brushed against something, and he frowned. He sat up, reaching to turn the light on and then remove the pillow. A postcard was there. Frowning, he picked it up and turned it over. Then his heart almost stopped.
Emily's handwriting stared back at him along with the words "August" and "2013."
Hand shaking and breath sputtering, Lee stormed out of the bedroom and to where Emily was sitting at the kitchen table still. She pulled back at his fierce approach and looked scared. He held up the postcard.
"What the hell is this?" he demanded. Her eyes widened as she stared at it. "Emily, tell me!"
"I...I..." she tried.
"Did Maya know too?" he asked angrily. "Did everyone just know about this lie but me?!"
"No!"
"Then how come she has a message from you shortly after you were declared dead?!" His voice was a bit of a roar now almost, and Emily wilted in front of him.
"Lee," she tried, her voice very small.
"Get out," he ordered.
"No," she said. He reached to pull her up and guide her to the door. She turned to fight him off. "No! Lee, you have to listen to the rest of it!"
"I don't quite frankly give a shit," he snapped. "Take your story and your lies and get out of here!"
"She doesn't know I'm alive today!" Emily practically bawled now, still fighting him. "Just let me explain!"
Lee succeeded in getting her out the door and slamming it shut after her. She wouldn't leave, though. She stood right outside and yelled at him through it.
"Lee! Let me explain! PLEASE!"
Lee leaned against the door, breathing hard. Maya had known. Maya had faked her tears and angst. Maya had lied to him too. Somehow, that was the worst betrayal of all.
Was it ever going to end?