What is it with these bonus chapters that grab me by the face and insist I write them?

Anyway, I dedicate this chapter to my mother.

This chapter deals with the topic of suicide, so here's a warning. Please don't read if you're easily triggered. However, my mother is the main reason I came out on the other side of depression, and no longer have suicidal thoughts because of her loving steadfastness. She fought for me and made sure I knew that I was loved.

I wanted to impart that love into my fic, as I'm eternally grateful that she didn't let me go.

Michelangelo sighed, flipping the page on his comic book as he settled in for a nice reread of his favorite Silver Sentry arc. The turtle could practically quote the speech bubbles, he'd read it so many times. However, the familiarity didn't take away from the experience as each new panel showed his hero in various, and increasingly dangerous, scenarios. The youngest gave a happy wiggle, one green hand digging into the bag of chips he brought to snack on whilst he read.

It was late Friday afternoon, and Master Splinter had called off their training early, requesting that his sons spend the afternoon and evening completing a list of necessary, but tedious, tasks of maintenance around the lair. Donnie was changing lightbulbs, and fixing various appliances that were on the blink. Raphael had been put to work carrying the last of their boxes filled with possessions scavenged from the destruction of their old lair, with the intent that they'd finish unpacking. Leo was out in the sewer tunnels, on an expedition double checking all the batteries from the security cameras and sensors he and Donatello had set up around their home. And Mikey? Mikey had just finished the deep clean he'd done on the kitchen, a job he dreaded, but always felt better after it was finished.

Now the weekend could finally begin.

"Michelangelo, would you please retrieve my bolts of fabric? Your masks are wearing out and I'll spend the rest of the day making new ones."

Baby blue eyes glanced up from his comic book, noting how their father was making himself comfortable in his chair, already changing the channel to his favorite soap opera. "Okay," he chirped, jumping up to obey the request, "could you put a little more padding in mine? Sometimes the fabric chafes while I'm fighting, especially around my temples."

Splinter nodded, acquiescing to his son's request, pulling out pieces of leather he would use for their masks. A few months ago, Raphael had returned from a scavenging trip to the dump, bring with him several purses made of genuine, if a tad worn out, leather. The family had been delighted at the find, Raph glowing in pride that he was responsible for such a treasured haul. The rest of that day had been spent with the family joining together to slice up the leather into strips, as well as retool the precious material into new items. One of the ideas that they'd come up with, thanks to Don, was fitting their masks with the leather. Making the area around the eyes firmer and the material conforming to their unique facial structure. While not armor, there was just something satisfying about having a soft piece of leather made to fit your face and bridge of your nose perfectly. All four teenagers had heartily approved of the change, as it made their face wear more battle ready, but Mikey was not above constructive criticism to help improve the design.

He was certain, with just a few more tweaks, they were on to making the most comfortable and functional ninja masks ever.

Slipping inside Master Splinter's room, the youngest found Donatello and Raphael chatted amicably, while the resident genius fixed the electric kettle their father used so frequently. Raph was reorganizing the boxes and had carried some items to their father's quarters, upon noticing Donnie he then decided to take a break so they could chat about upgrade ideas for the Battle Shell. Or argue, their voices slowly rising as each stated their opinion, Mikey grinned as they discussed about whether they could upgrade engine to handle formula one fuel. Donnie was skeptical, stating the truck wasn't aerodynamic enough, and they'd more likely explode instead of achieve a higher rate of speed. However, Raph had a mad scientist look on his face, which was certainly quite the switch. Mikey merely shrugged, laughing at his siblings, he had an afternoon of comics to get back to.

On the right hand side of their father's room lay a chest of drawers, four drawers to be exact, each designated to the individual turtle teens.

Through the years, Splinter gathered, and preserved, various items to remember from his children's lives. Whether it was childish pictures drawn by the tots for their father, sloppily glued crafts, or even their baby teeth, the mutant rat was careful to stow the keepsakes that corresponded to each son. The brothers had gone through their drawers once or twice in years past, but Mikey couldn't remember the last time he'd dug through them. With the boys growing up so fast, he didn't imagine that Splinter had added anything new in recent years or months. The orange clad ninja stooped down, reaching towards the bottom drawer designated to the youngest, pulling open the drawer and quickly drawing out the bolt of cloth Master Splinter used for his own mask. Slamming the drawer shut, Mikey quickly ascended the drawers to grab the bolts for Donnie and Raphael. All that was left was Leo's.

Michelangelo pulled open the top drawer, humming a little ditty to himself, then peered inside searching for the familiar bolt of sapphire blue cloth. What he found instead, made his heart skip a beat…or five.

The drawer was full of its usual items. Heirlooms, and knick-knacks, all scattered throughout the drawer but with one shocking item placed on top. It was a short sword, too small to be used for battle, wrapped in a pure white handkerchief. Mikey knew what it was, he may not be a samurai like Leo, but even the prankster of the family listened during their history lessons. This short sword was one kept by Japanese warriors so that they could commit seppuku, ritual suicide, in order to die honorably if they were compromised by the enemy, but why would Leo have this? And how did Master Splinter get it? A shiver rocked across the broad shoulders of the youngest, before slinking down his spine. Leo couldn't possibly have considered…would he? No…Leonardo was aniki, he was their protector, he would never betray them by…

Anxiety scorched his stomach, burning up the back of his throat even as the orange ninja fought the urge to gag. Trembling hands reached into the drawer, pulling out the weapon, even as the back of his mind began to scream, a raging voice in his subconscious demanding he throw it away, never to be seen again. However, he couldn't do anything except clutch it in his hands, green fingers a stark contrast to the white cloth and gleaming steel. Images flooded the turtle's mind, imaginations filled with blood, and the still, lifeless body of his brother, never to draw breath again, lying on the cold floor of his room. The knife dripping rubies, a testament of the dark deed. A whimper whispered between trembling lips, a small pitiful noise vocalizing the turmoil raging within, even as the baby of the family fell to his knees, still clutching the weapon.

"Mikey? Mike! What's wrong?!"

Donnie's voice, accompanied by calloused fingers grasped his shoulder, jostling him. Baby blue eyes slowly blinked, the youngest suddenly realizing that twin streams of tears were trickling down his cheeks. The brow furrowed in confusion; when had he started crying?

"Mikey, I need you to breathe,"

He wasn't breathing? Oh, that explains the tightness in his chest, and why his vision was slowly turning black. The youngest wanted to obey the concerned voice of his older brother, but he felt distant, as if he was floating just outside his body. His head seemed to throb, similar to how it feels when you dive under water, and the pressure pushes down on your eardrums and head.

"Mike, I need ya ta focus on me, ok? Donnie is gettin' Dad, but I'm right here, ya need ta come back, just breathe. Come on, buddy, ya can do it."

Raph, he sounded strangely small, his voice trembling with…fear? No, that couldn't be it, the brawler wasn't scared of anything. He was as tough as Leo. Mikey wanted to check on his big brother, but he couldn't get past the blade in his hands. It's cold weight telling a story of something the youngest never wanted to consider a possibility in his family. Whispering dark doubts filled with betrayal, and lies; tainting the picture Michelangelo had in his head of his leader.

"My son,"

Furry hands cupped his face, gently wiping away the tears, and a soft muzzle pressed a kiss to his forehead. The contact seemed to restore a measure of sensation back to his frozen body, and Mikey slowly brought his eyes up to meet the cobalt gaze of Splinter, "Dad," the youngest hiccuped, "why?"

The rat looked down, only to close his eyes in grief at what Michelangelo held. Raphael and Donnie leaned forward, their eyes widening as they got their first glimpse of the blade, "Mikey, what is that?" The scientist quavered.

"It was in Leo's drawer," the orange clad ninja murmured, still feeling slightly out of sync.

"…..what…..?"

Michelangelo jolted, snapped out of his reverie by the soft exclamation of disbelief, baby blue gaze bouncing up to where Raphael stood on his left. They'd never heard the brawler speak like that before. His voice, so fragile, so afraid, so…betrayed. Raph was staring at the blade in his baby brother's hands, disgust and horror screaming from liquid gold orbs, shoulders heaving as the strongest turtle in their clan fought for air. "Why was it in Leo's drawer?" He whispered, before turning desperate topaz eyes on their father, repeating his question but this time more harshly, "Why was that in Leo's drawer?!"

Splinter pulled in a shaky breath, then his shoulders drooped as he released a sigh that seemed to age him by ten years. The mutant rodent settled back, crossing his legs into a more comfortable position, then gestured for his sons to do the same. Mikey rearranged his wobbly legs into a crisscross, fingers tightening around the blade in seeming protectiveness, but mostly to have something solid to keep him grounded so he wouldn't spiral out of control again. Raphael and Donatello flanked him, their knees brushing his, silent signals of support and love informing the youngest that he wasn't alone in his shock.

"Your brother, Leonardo," Splinter began, his voice a hoarse rasp heavy with emotional fatigue, "was in a very dark place a year and a half ago after the destruction of the Shredder's starship, and our inexplicable survival. You remember this, as you all struggled alongside him in your fear, anger and confusion. However, there was a battle he faced alone, that he never told me about, until six months ago when we came home from Japan."

The brothers didn't speak, each trembled under the weight of the confession they knew was coming. The ninjutsu master paused, taking another steadying breath, before once again picking up his tale, voice choked with an unnameable emotion, "Leonardo," he sighed, "fought against feelings of powerlessness, worthlessness, and a despair that choked him with accusations of failure. Of this, I'm sure you are aware, especially after your trials in the caves?"

They nodded, yes, they remembered, all too well in fact. Splinter mirrored their motion, accepting their silent answers, continuing his explanation, looking older by the minute. "In his darkest nights, when sleep was elusive, and peace impossible to find, Leonardo struggled with a dark urge to….end his pain."

Mikey gasped, hugging himself as their father confirmed his worst fears, softly shaking his head in denial at the story they were hearing. The rat's voice hitched on the end of his sentence, hot tears welling up in the dark eyes, paws trembling as they clenched into fists on his lap. Splinter drew in several shuddering breaths, closing his eyes, twin tear trails darkening the fur on his muzzle, before once again raising his head to address his younger children.

"He almost convinced himself that seppuku was his only escape," he spoke, tone low with grief, "that it would be the only way to cleanse his soul of the sin of his failure. Leonardo told me, of many nights where he held the blade, and considered this coarse of action, but could not go through with it. His honor, and devotion to his family, halting his hand, and forcing him to once again set aside this dark urging."

"Why did he never say anythin'?" Raphael rasped, his red mask already stained with the tears falling from liquid gold eyes, "We knew he was havin' a hard time, but he never came ta us, never said a thing! Why?!"

"Because he was ashamed," Donatello supplied, grieved brown eyes watching as their father nodded in agreement, "he was ashamed that he couldn't protect us, ashamed of his weakness, ashamed of how scared he was, and ashamed because Leo, the most honor bound guy we know, was fighting against the urge to run away. He was tired of being in pain, tired of carrying all that responsibility, he just wanted to rest, but he couldn't. Don't you remember how much weight he lost? The dark bags under his eyes? He wasn't eating, he couldn't sleep, he was already dying inside as it was, but that was nothing compared to the agony he probably felt every day." Don stopped, shaking his head, voice a tremulous gasp, "God, just how much pain was he carrying all by himself, and I couldn't even see my own brother was suicidal?"

Raphael deflated, closing his eyes as understanding and guilt washed over his features. "Yeah," the brawler whispered, remembering many of their brother's confessions in the caves, and most importantly, the dark chapter in his life right after the Shredder's defeat, "I remember."

"Don't defend him, Donnie," Mikey spat suddenly, gripping the blade even as his mouth twisted into an angry snarl, "he had no right to think about doing something like that, it's selfish!"

"Think about where he was, Mikey!" The genius snapped, tearful brown eyes rising to meet baby blue, "He was drowning! Remember how angry he was in the caves? Remember that first trial?! He'd gotten better with the Ancient One, and he'd been home for six months by that point, but he was still in so much pain! It literally took him almost dying to be honest with us because the idiot convinced himself he wasn't valuable enough to be worth the trouble!"

"I remember, I was there!" Michelangelo roared back, "But that doesn't give him the right to destroy our family!"

"But he didn't, Mike!" Donnie countered, "Master Splinter said he fought back, and he didn't go through with it!"

"But he could have!" The youngest clenched his jaw so hard he heard his molars creak, "we were this close to losing him!" Mikey bellowed, brandishing the knife, allowing the candlelight from their father's room to gleam along its keen edge, "we were this close to finding him dead on the floor, taking our family with him, and you're defending him?!"

"Yes, I'm defending him," Donatello retorted, hands clenching into fists, "because he's put in the work to get better! He's not that person anymore!"

"How do we know that?!" The youngest was almost screaming now, bloodshot eyes pleading behind the tear stained mask, "ever since we were tots, I knew two things about Leo, two absolute things that would never change! The first being that Leo never lies, and the second that Leo never breaks a promise, but look!"

Mikey shoved the blade under Donatello's nose, forcing the scientist to look at it, "This, here, is proof that he lied to us!" He snarled, "He promised that he'd never leave us! He said he'd never abandon his family! But he almost did!"

"He's here! Now!" Donnie shouted, an emphatic finger pointing out into the lair, "He never left us Mike! Yes, he went on a trip to Japan, but he came back and he'd won! He was better!"

"I know that!" Mikey dropped the blade, the metal ringing as it thudded to the tatami mat, sinking his head into his hands, "But that doesn't make it hurt any less! He should never have considered suicide to begin with! He should have come to us, he should have said something! I'm just mad at him, ok? And no one else even cares how close we came to being broken beyond repair!"

"Mikey, we're not sayin' yer wrong," Raph jumped in, a heavy hand grasping the baby brother on the shoulder to try and steady him, to steady them all, "yeah, I'll admit it. If Fearless had done what he thought about doin', we'd have been a wreck. Probably shattered, for good, with no more christmas, or family game nights, or no family at all, because like ya said, we'd have died right along with him."

Raphael drew in a deep breath, his temper guttered by the incomprehensible grief flooding his heart, freezing his insides, "I'm not sayin' yer wrong," he repeated, voice soft, gently shaking the trembling shoulder in his grip, "but ya remember what he was like back then, don't ya? He couldn't smile, or laugh, or play with us. He was stuck in a prison of his own makin', but he couldn't get out, because he felt like he didn't deserve ta be loved. He even said so in those caves. Remember?"

"Yeah," Mikey gasped, chest heaving as fought against the sobs crawling up his throat, "but….why? Why would he do that to us?"

"He didn't, though," Raphael restated, his voice no louder, but ringing with conviction, "am I mad at the guy? Yeah, I want ta punch him, but more than that, I wanna hug him. Because, like ya said, Mikey, Leo doesn't lie, and he don't break his promises. He promised he'd never abandon us, that we'd always have him there ta protect our family, and from where I'm sittin', he's kept those promises."

"You don't get it," Mikey ground out, "none of you do!"

"Mikey," Donatello began, but was cut off by the last voice they needed to hear.

"I'm home!" Leonardo called from the entrance to the lair, his playful tone a stark contrast to the heavy atmosphere surrounding his family, "Father? Guys? Anyone here?"

Donnie and Raph hunched their shoulders, bracing themselves for the inevitable. Leo's shadow fell across the shoji doors, green fingers sliding between the crack to gently push them open, "There you are!" The eldest beamed, a happy grin on his face, "I brought some dinner, you wouldn't believe it but I found a fifty dollar bill! I know I should have saved it but we've all been working hard today, and I just couldn't bring myself to make Mikey cook after he cleaned the kitchen to look so good!"

The leader paused, features drooping as he caught the downturned faces, the tear streaks still dampening cheeks, and the palpable weight of sorrow on the air, "What happened?" Leo asked, fearful concern making him fall to his knees and crawl to his family, "What did I miss? Are you ok? Is someone hurt? What do you need me to do?"

That's when sapphire blue eyes caught sight of the blade on the floor, the white cloth rumpled but doing nothing to hide the steel shining in the candlelight. Drawing in a shuddering breath, Leo could only whisper, "Where did you find that?"

Mikey opened his mouth to reply, but the bitter anger that was choking him earlier, stole his voice. With a strangled sob, the youngest pushed past his big brothers, and fled the room.

…

Michelangelo sat on the floor of his bedroom, lights off, shell to the wall, beak buried between his knees.

He didn't know how to explain how he felt. All he knew was that he felt betrayed, and lied to. Like he could no longer trust the one person he knew he could count on no matter what. Leo was the reliable brother, their fearless leader. He'd overcome obstacles that would have crushed anyone else. So, to think that that same brother would keep something so life shattering from them, to lie when he said he'd lean on them? That weight was more than his heart could bear.

How could Donnie and Raph defend him?

"Mikey?" A soft knock at the door accompanied the tremulous query, "Mike, can I come in?"

The turtle tensed in the dark, hands clenching into fists as he forced himself not to reply. "Mikey, I'm not mad," Leo's voice was tired, no longer holding the joy he'd come in with, "and I understand why you are. Please, let me in? I just want to talk."

Michelangelo chewed on his bottom lip, considering the eldest's words, before heaving a sigh, "What?" He spat, voice devoid of emotion.

Leonardo gave an answering sigh on the other side of the door, "I'm going to take that as an invitation to come in, alright?"

The door opened, a crack of light illuminating a path that revealed the youngest where he sat. Leo, footsteps as silent as a ghost, strode across the messy floor to sit next to his brother. For several moments, they sat in silence, Leonardo struggling to find the words, and Michelangelo struggling not to punch his brother, "Mike," the eldest finally managed, "I get why you're mad," he whispered.

"Do you?" Mikey growled.

"Yeah, I really do,"

The youngest whirled on his leader, prepared to slam him with an onslaught of all that he was feeling, but found himself speechless. Sapphire eyes heavy with sorrow, shattered with guilt, pleading for forgiveness, met baby blue, forcing him into silence, "That anger you feel, that betrayal," Leo stated, tone still so soft, "is what I felt towards myself for failing you on that starship."

"I hated myself," Leonardo whispered, "I hated my weakness, I hated that when it mattered, when you needed me most, I was so worthless I couldn't even protect the family I'd promised to defend. Eventually that hatred grew into a bitterness, deep and poisonous, and I just…wanted to give up."

His words faltered, the blue clad ninja pausing, before stating in a quiet, trembling tone, "I was so tired, Mike. I was so, so tired. I wanted the pain to end. I wanted to stop waking up every morning feeling utterly hopeless, like I had nothing to save me. Soon it became all I could think about, hours spent wondering if I could go through with it, only to waste away the night tossing and turning, tormented by nightmares. I felt like I had no other choice."

"It's not an excuse," the eldest continued, "and I'm not using that as one, I just want you to understand the place where I was."

"You would never have gotten to that point if you had talked to us," Michelangelo grit out.

"You're right," Leo agreed with a mournful smile, "I didn't talk to you, I didn't talk to anyone, and I refused to let anyone try and help because I'd convinced myself that no one else understood what I was going through. I was so preoccupied with my own pain, I allowed myself to become isolated, thinking that I was protecting you when in fact I was hurting you. By the time I began to realize that I needed help, I'd convinced myself that I wasn't worth it, that you'd be better off without me weighing you down. So, I fell even deeper."

Mikey narrowed his eyes at his leader, straining to remain angry, but finding his fury melting away back into the sorrow that spawned it, "How could you think that?" He moaned, "What do you think we would do without you? Where do you think we'd be? How could you think you're not worth it!?"

The blue clad teen sighed, pulling his legs up, so to wrap his arms around his knees, "My mind wasn't thinking straight, Mikey," he breathed, "every time I left my room, all I could see was examples of my own failure. Reasons why I didn't deserve you. Mike," Leo shuddered, a shiver stealing across the strong frame, even as the eldest forced himself to continue, "I can't tell you how many nights I sat with that blade to my gut, begging for the pain of my existence to end. However, one thing stopped me every time."

"What?" Mikey knew the answer, Splinter had told them, but he needed to hear Leo say it, needed to see his face and judge if it be truth or lie, "What stopped you?"

"You," in this moment, Leonardo's voice never wavered, the sapphire eyes were practically glowing with conviction, chin held high as he met Mikey stare for stare, "you, Raph, Donnie, father, you were what stopped me. Because every time I tried to follow through with my plan, every time I picked up that knife, I couldn't help but think about what you'd suffer when you found me."

A tear fell, Leo's voice broke, and the turtle choked as he continued, "And I could-couldn't bear to do that to you," he gasped, mask quickly growing damp, little salty streams streaking green cheeks, "I couldn't make the family I love, s-so much, suffer even more pain all because of my worthless shell. You saved my life, because I ju-just couldn't do that to you, you deserve b-better than that."

"That's why," the leader wept, a calloused hand swiping at the tears dripping off his chin, "that's why I gave that knife to Father six months ago, after the caves. I gave it to him, as penance for my selfish cowardice, and as a promise to you and myself that I'd never go there ever again. I gave it to him, to make sure I'd never allow myself to fall into the dark place again, and to hold myself accountable for the betrayal I almost committed against you."

"I love you, so much, and I never want to hurt you, and it's killing me that I hurt you now," Leo hiccuped, "please forgive me?"

The youngest's head sunk until it came to rest on Leo's shoulder, the grief at his discovery finally overwhelming him, but somehow relief as well. Inexplicable relief that Leo acknowledged his mistake, relief that he had made one of his unbreakable promises to ensure it'd never happen again, relief that their family was safe and whole. "I'm sorry," Mikey gasped, choking on his tears, "I'm sorry you went through that alone, I'm sorry we didn't notice, I'm sorry we couldn't help you."

Leonardo hushed his baby brother's apologies, wrapping his arms around Michelangelo and pulling the younger turtle into a hug, rocking them both as gut wrenching sobs shook them. "No, I'm sorry, otouto," he whispered, "I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough for you, I should have come to you, I should have told you about it after the caves. But I was so ashamed, I never wanted you to see that, I wanted to forget it ever happened. I thought I could do that by giving Father that blade, but I was wrong."

Michelangelo's tears began to slow, his sobs calming, and the younger sibling clutched his leader tightly, "But it did happen," he rasped, "it happened and we can't pretend it didn't. All we can do is make sure it never happens again, ok?"

"Agreed, I promise, I will never get to that place again." Leo murmured, holding his brother just as tight, "no matter what, I'll come to you if I'm struggling. I promise."

Mikey smiled, almost hearing the sound of a solid padlock clicking into place, holding his eldest brother in unbreakable bonds to his word. It turned out he was right after all, there were two things that were immovable facts concerning his leader. Leonardo never lied, and he also never broke a promise. Which meant, that they would be ok. Sure, there would be battles to face in the future, and Leo might struggle with his feelings of low self worth, but this time he wouldn't face them alone. None of them would. Snuggling the solid plastron of his brother and leader, Mikey made a promise of his own, that no matter what came against them, he would always fight for his family.

The question I had Mikey ask Leo was one my mother asked me after I was stopped from making an attempt on my life. In tears, she asked me "What do you think I'll do without you?"

It was in that moment that I realized, if I were to take my life, I'd not only be ending myself, but I'd be taking my mother's life with me, and her courage to ask that difficult question gave me the strength to fight back.

To my precious readers who struggle with depression, and want the pain to end. I want to tell you a secret, you are stronger than you know.

You are worth loving, you are valuable, you are one of a kind. I don't know you, but I love you, and I hope this doesn't sound strange, but I pray for my readers. That you find love, joy, peace, and happiness.

You can fight back, you've got this, I believe in you. Don't give up, please, this world would be a darker place without your beautiful light.

Keep shining my friends, from one warrior to another, keep fighting!