Tainted

Once Nelson finished telling his tale, Lee sat rigidly tense. He understood Nelson's quiet affirmation of where this would have led without Chip. Lee felt a wave of gratitude wash over him for Chip. At least there was Chip; a faint glimmer in the cold, lost, dark emptiness his life had become.

He thought he had loved the Admiral like the big brother he'd never had. Thought that he had been his friend. Now he cringed and cowered in Nelson's presence.

He took a breath expanding his chest but felt like he was collapsing into himself. The fire in his belly flamed. He hurt. He sat in silence trembling with supressed anger. Rage really except he was too tired to rage.

He understood the Admiral saving the men. Saving the boat. Of course he understood. That was duty. Either one of them would die to save the men. But that's not what Nelson had done. Nelson didn't close a hatch on him sacrificing the one for the many. Making an ending. That was a choice no one ever wanted to make but knew that in dire circumstances might have to. Horrific but justified.

No, Nelson just walked up and shot him. Shot him so an evil spirit could possess him. Nelson abandoned him to that unending unendurable horror.

The Admiral disgraced himself in shooting him. But the disgrace didn't end with Nelson. He was disgraced too. Should he tell the Admiral that? Could he? He already hurt too much. Nelson hadn't just taken his life; he had taken his honour. Left him to be defiled. Tainted. That was an affront so hard to forgive. Too hard? It was all too much he whispered, "God, sir."

Lee felt everything. His senses operated just as before his friend's bullet penetrated his body. He saw, heard, smelled, tasted, and touched. His body felt it all, especially the bullet wound to his belly. That pain was everything a gut wound was reputed to be.

Then Krueger took him and desecrated him. Once Krueger took him he alone felt pain. Krueger walled the pain of Nelson's bullet away where only he could feel it. He couldn't share it with Krueger or spread it around to make it bearable. He felt the weakness, the chill, the blood loss, the pain and the fear. It sapped his strength.

That pain was the foundation of his new existence, but Krueger wasn't content with that. Krueger made sure he felt everything else; every other sensation added on top, overloading the part of him that still thought; the part that was him, the part that was Lee Crane. Overwhelmed. Ravaged.

Once Krueger possessed his body he still thought his own thoughts but was unable to act on his thoughts. Krueger directed and controlled his body. Every moment he mentally braced himself not knowing what Krueger was planning, what the phantom would do next, what movement, what sensation was about to be added on top of the physical agony of Nelson's bullet and the mental agony of Nelson's betrayal.

He had watched his own hands place a small bandage on his belly. Covering the unsightly hole. A hole that didn't bleed. The cigarette smoking felt foreign and uncomfortable to him, he had no muscle memory for that act, it added to the discomfort he felt. Then his eyes beheld Maria and other sensations joined the rest.

Lee felt the growing desire and lust in horror. He wanted to treat Maria decently like a fellow human but Krueger controlled. He was fully aware of what was arising but helpless to stop his body. He felt it all. Felt his own aversion to Krueger's disrespect but also his body's tingle of excitation. Felt the flood of desire and the move to make it happen. He was appalled and revolted. Someone else controlled him but left him his senses to torture him with that awareness. It was a violation of his body, his will, and his integrity.

"God, sir."

A long pause ensued. After a bit Lee spoke again his voice barely audible. "How is Maria?"

"Maria? Oh. She seems fine." Nelson was amazed that Lee had spoken; he hadn't expected it since the body language was silently shouting rejection. It made sense though; if Lee spoke that it would be to inquire after the well being of someone else. Someone he felt some responsibility for. That was true Crane. If he had still wondered if Lee Crane was Lee Crane he knew now.

Crane nodded not looking up. He hadn't made eye contact with Nelson once. His broad shoulders sagged looking crushed.

"Good." Another word at least. Then Crane's shoulders sank even more as he sighed and whispered barely audibly. "Krueger bedded her." He stopped. Nelson sat frozen in shock. "I felt everything," Lee's open hand rose as if to caress down an invisible cheek and silky throat. " … tasted … " His voice trailed off into silence.

How could he confide to his commanding officer that while Maria had been a willing partner, he had not? His own body initiated the joining, felt the sensations, thrilled to the act, but even so his mind, his conscience was revolted by it. How could he claim to be appalled and affronted when his body … ? There was no justifying that. He was defiled.

And then on Mulayo he felt his body crushing Maria beneath him. Felt the surge of power. The ultimate domination. Felt his hands strong and vigorous to throttle her … squeezing … he felt it.

Lee found just two more words, both hands rising off the table as if gripping, and whispered. "I strangled … "

Nelson was a smart man; aghast he read between the lines. Knew now that Lee remembered it all. Understood what his actions had done. Guilt overwhelmed him, as he understood that his offence was greater than he had ever imagined.

It was too much. Revolted at his memories, nauseated by them, Lee fell silent shaking in torment. Hugged his arms around his middle as he turned away from Nelson again.

Nelson saw the rising agitation in Lee's demeanour. "Lee?" Nelson struggled to keep his voice calm, quiet and steady. He was appalled, and shocked at Lee's physical reactions arising from the few words he had offered. Wrestling with himself to sit still, he struggled to not jump to his friend to help and comfort. Lee was fragile and completely off limits. He couldn't make any move that might upset Lee any more that he already was. Fighting his pounding heart and surging urgency he controlled his voice. Quietly he asked, "Lee, is it okay with you if I get Chip? Or a corpsman for you?"

Lee nodded weakly and Nelson scrambled furiously to the door. Chip and the others out in the passageway heard the violent scraping of the chair on the deck and were already through the door before the Admiral got near it. Chip dashed forward just in time to scoop Lee up and keep him from smashing onto the deck as he collapsed.