A/N Thursday, August 21, 1919

The following day, Elizabeth was heading to the livery to take a treat to Sargent before her session when she was brought up short by a crying Henry. Bella had been trying to comfort him, but it wasn't working. Before she could move, Molly was there and kneeling, talking softly to both of them as she examined his palm. She couldn't hear what was being said, but whatever it was held them enthralled.

She caught a glimpse of movement near the mercantile and spied Daniel watching as well. Having ascertained that it was just a scratch, Molly kissed it and asked if it felt better now. After a nod from Henry, Molly stood back up and gave each child a comforting hug before she continued on her way to the infirmary.

Elizabeth turned her attention to Daniel, who had observed the entire thing. Feeling her eyes on him, he turned to look over at her. She smiled back, raised a brow, and moved her head toward the infirmary as if to say, "What are you waiting for?"

His cheeks turned red as he shrugged his shoulders, but she could see he was interested, and there was a longing in his eyes that she was quite familiar with, having been dealing with it herself.

Making a mental note to drop by and talk with him later, she continued to the livery. She also decided to stop and talk to Molly before that talk with Daniel to make sure her assumptions were correct about the interest being mutual.

"Good afternoon to you both," Joseph said, smiling as he noticed they arrived together. They had met by happenstance at the livery. It was nice just walking together; neither felt the need to fill the silence with words.

"Elizabeth, did you find anything in your journals you are willing to share regarding last year that may help us better understand what was going on?"

"I found a couple of entries that I thought would be helpful. One is a few days after Lucas returned to Hope Valley last year, and the other is from the day I returned from the book reading in Union City. But I wouldn't classify it as a date because I had made it clear it wasn't, and he agreed."

"Trust me, Elizabeth, in his mind, it had been a date," Nathan said.

She protested again, but Joseph interrupted her and said he agreed with Nathan. Seeing that neither man would budge on that belief, she let it pass.

"Anyway, the first one I wanted to bring up is right after Union City," Elizabeth continued.

Life is always full of surprises. It was indeed a surprise when Lucas invited me to Union City to hear a reading by Virginia Woolf. Always the perfect gentleman, he drove us through the beautiful countryside. We went to the theatre and had a lovely meal. Talk about a whirlwind weekend.

I could say that this trip had no impact on Nathan, but I don't think that's true. He's good at hiding his feelings, but I sense a shift in him. Any single woman would be lucky to have either man as a potential suitor, and I find myself genuinely torn. Still, I don't want to hurt one or the other. For now, all I can do is be honest with both of them.

When I read this in hindsight, it seems superficial when talking about Lucas, but it also reveals my cowardice even before the failed prisoner transport. Plus, I'm embarrassed now saying he was the perfect gentleman."

Nathan snorted but otherwise stayed silent.

"How so?" Joseph asked.

"Well, when you contrast what I wrote about Lucas against what I noted for Nathan, then Lucas' entry was superficial, while Nathan's was a deeper, more personal observation. With Lucas, it was all about what a nice time I had, but with Nathan, my concern was about his feelings and how the trip affected him and Allie. Now that I think about it, I just said that I was having a good time whenever someone asked how my courtship was going with Lucas. It was pretty tense between us for a while, remember?"

"That was when we argued at the cabin, and you came to my office and demanded I stop shutting you out," Nathan said.

"Yeah, well, I seem to recall that you were the one that escalated it from the moment you stepped back into the cabin. I thanked you for checking the path and helping me with Emily earlier, and you started that…. Umm…. somewhat heated discussion."

Nathan laughed. "Is that what you call it?"

"Yes!" Elizabeth said smugly. "I thought I was being nice since you were Mr. Cranky Pants that day. All I was doing was providing an avenue for you to talk."

"I see," Nathan said, trying not to smile. "If that's so, then I would say 90 percent of the time, you're the one that starts these somewhat heated discussions. I think it is a matter of record after the last two counseling sessions we have had. Would you agree with that statement?"

Elizabeth sat there, arms crossed, trying to look offended but failed. "Fine! I will agree with your assessment thus far."

"Let me return the favor then. What did you mean by it revealed your cowardice even back then?"

"The last line read, for now, all I can do is be honest with both of you, yet I couldn't even be truthful to myself. After the bachelor party for Clara and Jesse, I realized that my heart had been opened again, and I thought I was torn between the two of you. I think it's undeniable that it wasn't Lucas that opened my heart but Nathan, which brought another level of fear after the shooting."

I don't know if this will make sense, but Lucas didn't require my full attention, whereas whenever I was close to Nathan, my attention automatically locked on him. I don't think it's any secret that my eyes follow you when you walk into a room or ride by. Judging by how much teasing I got about ogling you constantly, I would say it is a well-known fact, much to my embarrassment. I remember when he asked me on our first date; I wasn't even looking at him but watched you ride around the corner. While we stood talking, I don't think I contributed to the conversation."

"Oh, I have noticed, including when you used the binoculars," Nathan teased.

"Well, don't worry; as I have stated, I know that friendship is what we are working towards, and I won't be a nuisance."

"It is all right; I don't mind. I know that you are respectful of our boundaries." Nathan replied. "Just then, he wished he could have assured her there was a chance for more, but in his current state, he couldn't.

I had another entry from a few days before Lucas returned.

Lee and Rosemary remain away on their South American sea cruise and aren't due home for another few weeks. I miss them both, of course. Lucas is away, too. He left town after New Year's bound for... actually, I don't know where. We barely saw each other before his sudden departure, but it seemed clear things had changed between us.

As for Nathan, he's been here and there with the Mounties and off to see Allie's grandfather. We haven't seen much of one another, which has made avoiding my feelings that much easier. But if the time to reflect on these two men has made anything clear, it's that I can't continue seeing them both as romantic interests.

We had so much happen during that time frame, along with the other feelings I was already experiencing and ignoring. As Joseph said, we should have talked about what happened after the shooting."

We sure did. As I recall, we had Lucas's mother arrive. Rosemary returned home, then, of course, I had Dylan coming after Allie, and then I finally got the courage to repeat my invitation to supper, and you agreed to go.

Elizabeth cringed. "I wish we had gone through with supper. I often wonder what it would have been like."

"Me too," Nathan said wistfully.

Elizabeth sighed heavily. "Looking back now makes me realize how irrationally I was acting. I still recall the look on both yours and Allie's faces as I asked you to take me home.

"What happened that day? Why did you cancel like that? I have wracked my brain more times than I can count." Nathan asked. "If you hadn't wanted to go, you could have said no."

"Before we can get to my reasoning for choosing Lucas over you and why I didn't go through with the supper, there's something that I need to know so I can be sure I have all the information," Elizabeth said, "Because I believe it has something to do with my reactions."

"Okay, I'm listening," Nathan said.

"Nathan, you asked me if Lucas had stayed after the hug or returned a little later if we would be in the same place. That was what you asked, right?"

"Yes, it was. Plus, I want to know why you would agree if you didn't want to go."

"Over the past few days, I have done a lot of processing of the information since we started, especially that particular question. As I did, unfortunately, I realized that we would probably still be here. Please understand that nothing that I am going to ask is in any way trying to cast blame on you for my deplorable actions."

Nathan just nodded.

"However, there is one thing that I do feel you did that played a part in why I acted the way I did. But I don't mean to come off as blaming you because I am not."

"What would that be?" Nathan asked, crossing his arms, already becoming defensive.

"Dylan! I had no idea he had come to town until Carson told me about it. One of the realizations I came to was that it was a catalyst that day because you were so secretive, and I knew something was wrong. When I asked you about it, you just put me off. Remember? Given that we had been trusted friends before, it was out of character for you. Plus, I was very concerned after your reaction when he approached Jack." Nathan thought back to their conversation and tried to see from her perspective. Nathan thought back to that day, trying to evaluate his actions objectively.

Is there something wrong?

No. Why?

You don't seem like yourself.

I have a lot on my mind.

Who was that earlier in town?

Just someone I've had run-ins with in the past.

I've asked him to be on his way, so if you see him around town, let me know, ok?

Of course.

While he could see what she was saying, he did what he thought best at the time. He was only trying to protect her. "Elizabeth, you know that when it comes to Mountie stuff, I can't always share things with you. I know for sure Jack told you that."

"He did, and I have always understood that with you. But given it was Allie's father, why didn't you tell me? Especially when he approached Jack earlier in the day. What if he had come to the school? Why not tell me afterward when you asked me to supper?

"If he had shown up, you could have come and got me like I told you to."

"What if you had been on rounds? Was I supposed to leave the children and find you? Send a student, perhaps? As the teacher of Hope Valley, I don't think it would have been against the rules to tell me about it. In fact, I would go so far as to say that had it been before the prisoner shooting; you would have."

Nathan sat there stunned, realizing that she was right. He would have usually included her in what was going on so they could form a plan.

"Jack used to do that too, even after he could tell me, to protect me from worry. But guess what, it only made it worse. I know that there are dangers that you face as a Mountie, but that day you rode out, I knew something was very wrong. Given everything we had already avoided discussing, that added to my fear because I flashed back to all the times Jack rode off into danger. One of the things that drew me to you is that you would always let me know you were going, and something was off that day. Does Allie even know that he came for her? Will you tell me about it?"

"Allie knows now since I had to tell her after his parents showed up in the town next to my mother's. Apparently, they weren't even aware Dylan had a child. But that is a story for another time, okay?" Elizabeth nodded to his relief.

Taking a deep cleansing breath, he began. "I had gone to my office after seeing you that morning, and there he was, waiting in my office, his feet propped up on my desk," Nathan said, his voice changing as the memory of that day played in his mind as he told them of the deal Dylan proposed.

Put your feet down.

After all this time, that's how you greet your brother-in-law.

I said get your feet off of my desk.

Oh. She's growing up—my little girl.

She's not your little girl, all right? You gave up on her a long time ago!

Hold on. I've done nothing wrong. I'm not looking for any trouble. You know, Nathan...it doesn't have to be this way.

Yeah, it didn't have to be this way, but you're the one that made the choice.

Fair enough. I am ashamed that I hardly even recognize my own daughter. But if you're wondering how I found you. You know, it's funny. I wasn't even looking. And then, a while ago, I ran across this.

Right on the front page of my newspaper. I am glad for Allie that you weren't the one killed—$ 1,000.

And you and Allie will never see me again.

"It was all I could do not to hurt him when he called her his little girl though I shoved him against the wall. I've loved her like she was mine from the moment I saw her, but she ceased being his little girl from the moment she came into my care. He wasn't even looking for her; he just saw an opportunity and came calling just like always. He hadn't seen her in all these years, and then that transport happened. It is like the gift that keeps on giving. Then after I told him to leave, he said he was going to take a look around first."

"That's when he approached Jack, wasn't it?" Elizabeth said, a shiver running through her that Dylan came so close to Jack and then anger as she realized how Allie's father used him to manipulate Nathan. 'What if that had been Allie with her, like when Archie came to town?' she thought to herself.

Nathan nodded. "When I saw him approach Jack and was so close to you, my blood ran cold, and I flashed back to the last time he had hurt them. It was a month before Colleen passed."

"Oh, Nathan! It makes me sick when I think that he just saw Allie as a source of income. It was like he was basically willing to sell her. I can't even imagine what would have happened to her if you hadn't taken the action you did."

"That's why I was determined to adopt Allie. I felt like it was the only way she would be safe. But because of the way the law is, I had to do it while he was in jail. You were already skittish enough, so I didn't want to add to that. I was so desperate to handle it that I borrowed the money from Lucas."

"Lucas! You borrowed $1000 from Lucas? You really were desperate." Elizabeth teased.

Nathan chuckled. "You have no idea."

I already know from Carson what happened to you and that he ambushed you." Elizabeth said. I'm assuming that he is in prison?"

"He is. That was why I had to let him ambush me. After watching him with Jack, I knew it was the only way to keep my family safe."

Elizabeth's eyes widened in shock. "Yes, Elizabeth, I loved you and already considered you and Jack my family." He could see that his words hit home with her, and while happy, she felt deep regret for her actions. He also knew she had locked on to using the past tense when he said he loved her, still stinging from his words from the past week. While he had spoken the truth, he didn't mean for them to come out as harshly as they did, but his anger got the best of him, and he couldn't stop them. After that night at the library, he knew no other such events had occurred. He was thankful that Elizabeth was able to move on in a positive way and no further discussion was needed.

"Not that you need my approval, Nathan, because you don't, but I think you did the right thing then. If it were me or Jack in your place, we would have done the same." Elizabeth said. Now it was his turn to be surprised. "I'm actually surprised that Bill told you it was a bad idea because he did similar things when he was still an Inspector. Ask him to tell you about his own stint in the Hope Valley Jail." Elizabeth giggled.

Nathan was intrigued. "If he won't tell you then I will, but that is also a story for another time, but a good one."

"I think I'll wait to hear it from you because I don't see him sharing that information," Nathan said wryly.

"Agreed," Elizabeth said.

Joseph sat there silently, watching them as they talked. He was pleased with the progress that had been made so far. They were beginning to be able to talk things through on their own though he knew there were hidden pockets they would need a third party's help navigating.

"So...Uh… How does this relate to the canceled supper?" Nathan asked.

Do you recall how distracted you acted when you dropped by? Even Rosemary commented on it after you left.

Elizabeth, I know I mentioned us having supper, but unfortunately, I have to ride out of town.

Allie's staying at Opal's, so her mother will drop her off at school tomorrow.

Tomorrow is Saturday.

Right. Well, uh... I should get going.

Nathan. I don't know where you're heading, but please be safe.

Anyway, all of that flashed back to me, adding to the confusion. Then you arrived to issue the invitation a little worse for wear. It had been evident that you had seen some Mountie action, and of course, by then, Lucas showed back up at my door twice, and before I could even blink, his mother was there too with all her snarkiness. Looking back, I wonder if that was an intentional attempt to distract me. Nathan allowed that memory to play, focused on seeing things through her eyes, and could see how she had drawn the conclusions she had, though it didn't ease the sting.

You made it home.

Yeah, What? You didn't think I would?"

No, it's not that; it just… you do look a bit worse for wear.

Things couldn't be better. Unless, of course, you, uh, you agreed to have supper with me this evening.

Nathan, you look like you've just been through-

Well, I would….I'd go home and bathe and change first.

That's not what I meant. Besides, I'm not even sure Laura's free to watch Jack.

Well, why don't we all go?"

The four of us?

Yeah. I know Allie would like it. She's….she's talked about it before.

Um…um, all right.

All right. Uh…Great. Well, I'll uh, I'll go change, and uh, I'll come back.

"If you hadn't wanted to go, you could have said no." Nathan insisted.

"I tried, boy, did I try, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I can't even begin to tell you how hard it had been to get the words out at the pond, not that I'm excusing what I did because you deserved to have a full conversation. I'm just telling you what was going on. Whether it was right or wrong, it is the truth."

Elizabeth paused, trying to find the exact words to convey what would be painful for her to say and him to hear though she hoped they could get past it with communication and time. Tears began to fall as she started. "When we walked through town, the four of us, I began to feel panicked about whether I was ready for what we were doing.

"It was just supper, Elizabeth," Nathan said, anger and frustration entering his tone.

"Nathan, it would have been just supper with Lucas, but with you, it would have meant so much more. You see, the reason that I couldn't answer you when you finally asked me out was because it would have been real. It would never be just as friends because of how much you meant to me. Seeing Lucas there with Helen and her commenting as she did made me second-guess my decision and feel that I wasn't ready to move into a relationship. Not when I would still face my fear and I wasn't sure I was strong enough to do it. So I did what I have done since Jack died. I ran away, and in this case, I went to the one place I felt safe.

"Then, with all the secrecy, suddenly, I spiraled back into those feelings of fear of losing Jack and those many times I couldn't function because I was so afraid. When I said I have been trying to find Jack in you, I was seeing him in you, but not in the way you think. Only in the last few days did I finally realize that I painted you with the same brush as Jack, though you are two different men and two different Mounties.

"Jack was brave, but I felt he was always rushing toward danger and never content to stay away. I thought he was looking for it, whereas you are the opposite. You said it yourself that day in the cabin, remember? That your focus is on raising Allie and keeping the town safe. You don't have a pressing need to go to the North or chase rum runners in Cape Fullerton.

"You have always tried to keep me informed of your travels, even at times you didn't need to. I can't recall when you didn't seek me out, so I would know. So, when you were being so secretive, and then we were beginning to drift apart after the pond incident, I figured it would be best.

"I hope you forgive me for those hurtful words and believe I never meant them the way they came out."

They sat in silence, just absorbing what she had said and trying to absorb and process what had been revealed so they could figure out what to do next. Joseph cleared his throat and said they would continue tomorrow because he had a pressing matter at home. It was then they realized that Cooper had come to get him. They said a quick prayer, and then they were left alone.

"I forgive you, Elizabeth," Nathan said softly. "I wish I could offer more than friendship, but I just can't. Then recalling his mother's words, he added, "at least for now anyway."

Elizabeth smiled warmly. "I can accept that Nathan, and just know that if you ever find you can, I will do everything I can to reassure you that both yours and Allie's hearts are safe with me."

"I got a little time before rounds. Would you want to take a ride?" Nathan suggested, sensing both of them were reluctant to part.

"That would be nice, Nathan."