Disclaimer: I own a whole backpack of nice new things (including the backpack) because I visited my mother last weekend and she just loves to give me her stuff when she's not using it anymore. But she wasn't able to give me Castle, so I still don't own it.
See? I told you I would update earlier. I know the last cliffhanger was bad and I didn't want to leave you waiting too long. Also, I would like to be done with this story soon because I'm working on a few other things.
About this chapter: While writing the second half I got super emotional and maybe even cried a few tears. When I reread it today I didn't really like it anymore but I still decided to mostly leave it as it is. And for those of you watching The Rookie: You might notice I borrowed a few characters, I just couldn't resist.
Also, there are a few jumps in the perspectives this chapter is written in. I hope that doesn't make it too hard to read.
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Kate was torn out of her pain-dazzled haze as the truck raced over some bump on the road, causing the whole vehicle to forcefully hit the pavement, sending new waves of pain through her body. Her eyes darted open and were met by a blinding light over her head. The next second a pair of green eyes appeared in front of her face. She could feel a tender hand on her forehead as the face belonging to the eyes started to talk.
"Hey, can you hear me?" Someone squeezed her hand, and her slow-working mind figured it had to belong to the woman in front of her. "My name is Bailey Nune, we are taking you to the hospital." Kate blinked a few times and tried to focus on the face and the voice of the young woman. "It's very important that you stay awake, do you hear me?" Her hand was squeezed again and somehow Kate gathered the strength to return the pressure. She was trying to fight the overwhelming urge to close her eyes. She opened her mouth and tried to use her voice but nothing but a dry sound escaped her throat. But the woman called Bailey instantly realized Kate was trying to tell her something and bent over closer. "What? Try again?" Kate managed to bring out something like a cough, clearing her windpipe just far enough to hoarsely whisper "I'm pregnant."
Bailey nodded and tightly held onto her hand. "I know! I know… I promise you, we will do anything we can to help you and your baby. You just stay awake, okay?" But as Kate watched the pretty woman's mouth forming the words, she already felt the blackness spreading over her field of vision. It didn't matter how much she tried to fight it so she could stay awake. The strength pulling her back down into darkness forced her eyelids to flutter shut and blocked out all sound that was trying to reach her mind.
When Ryan pulled the car up to the hospital, they didn't get a chance to pass through the gates the paramedic's trucks rushed through. Even Ryan flashing his badge didn't convince the security guard to let them in. So they had to waste precious time by turning around, parking the car at the first possible spot, and then hurrying through the main entrance. Castle walked into the huge entrance hall of the hospital and felt his head starting to twirl. He hadn't even wasted a thought on his own health and his head that had bounced into a wall when the bomb in Maddox's kitchen had blown up. He had been just behind the corner and while Kate and Esposito were hit full force, he had only been thrown back a few feet and landed on his back.
The guilt he felt for that fact was already tearing him up inside but the fear for Kate and their baby barely left any room to feel anything else. With frantic eyes he looked around the hall, desperately searching for some form of orientation, any idea of where he had to go to find her. Suddenly Ryan pulled on his arm and dragged him along, down a hallway that had a huge lid-up sign reading "Emergency Room" at its beginning. Castle quickly tried to follow Ryan and noticed his ankle was hurting but he didn't care.
Ryan pushed open a glass door and Castle's eyes started searching the big room for any sign of her. People were hurrying around, shouting things he didn't understand. Across the room, there was a trail of blood, ending by another glass door leading to the operation rooms. Somewhere in the very far back of his mind, he realized the blood was probably Esposito's. His glance shot back to the other side of the room. There was a room with the door wide open, voices ringing from inside of it. He knew she had to be there.
Without hesitating he limped across the room, evading some nurses who were crossing his way. Just as he reached the door a gurney was pushed through it, almost knocking him over. For a second he caught a look of her, her eyes closed, a ruff around her neck, one arm hanging loosely by the side of the gurney. And before he could even catch his breath to call her name she was gone. Vanished through the same glass door where the strain of blood ended. Flashbacks from her shooting mercilessly flooded his mind, reviving the terrifying feeling he already knew but this time it was even worse.
Helplessly he watched the door, desperate for someone to come back and talk to him. But it remained shut. Another gurney was pushed through the room by a hurried nurse and he backed a step away, feeling completely lost in the middle of the emergency room. His eyes still glued to the door where Kate had disappeared, he suddenly felt a hand softly touching his shoulder. He kind of expected it to be Ryan but when he looked to his side his eyes were met by those of the dark-haired woman who had taken Kate with her on the paramedic's truck what felt like hours ago. "Hey, Mr. …?" The woman started in a calm and friendly voice.
"Castle." He mumbled, his voice dry and hoarse. He sniffled and pointed to the glass door. "What… Is she…?" The pretty young woman shook her head. "When we arrived here, she was stable. Unconscious but stable, like most of the ride here. She's got a fractured shoulder and a few fractured ribs for sure. And probably a whiplash that caused her to repeatedly lose consciousness. She is headed for further scans to rule out any brain damage or internal bleeding. And she surely will need surgery for her shoulder."
Castle had trouble processing her words and felt like his legs were close to giving in. He stumbled a step back and stared at the woman who seemed to realize he was about to lose his balance. "Emmett!" She shouted and a dark-skinned young man looked up, instantly realizing what was happening. He rushed to their side and helped the woman to support Castle's weight while she pulled a chair up to them. The man guided him to the chair, but Castle barely felt his hands, he just let himself fall as all strength left his legs.
Looking up and searching for her eyes he asked the woman "And the baby?" She reached out her hand and softly laid it on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, I can't tell you, I don't know. We'll have to wait until the doctors come out. But they know you are here waiting for her, so as soon as they know more there will surely be someone coming to talk to you." Her voice was full of sympathy and warmth, and most slightly it took off the edge of his panic. He nodded his head and his eyes trailed back to the glass door. "And while you're waiting, I'm going to find someone to take a look at you." The woman stated. "Do you have any other injuries apart from the ankle?" Castle mumbled, "I don't think so." To be honest, he couldn't tell. He felt like his mind wasn't connected to his body enough to tell if there was any physical pain.
"Well, we better make sure you're okay so that you're all patched up when your girlfriend comes back." He could hear the smile in her voice and appreciated her trying to make the situation a little less frightening even though that was rarely possible. He let the young man who was still standing by his side help him to his feet and support him while the woman led him to another room. He threw a look over his shoulder, looking at the glass door one last time.
With a bandage around his ankle and some painkillers in his bloodstream Castle was sat on a hard chair in some hallway in the hospital. The nice paramedic's lady he didn't even know the name of had brought him to a doctor, who quickly confirmed what he already knew. Apart from a sprained ankle, a few bruises, and a slight concussion he was fine. And now he was sitting here, left alone with his self-blame, waiting for someone to come, something to happen.
Ryan had gone off, probably back to Maddox's house to secure whatever evidence was still there. But Castle couldn't care less. At the moment he didn't care how it all happened. All that occupied his mind was the fact that it did. And that it was his fault he let her run into this. He shouldn't have let her go in the first place. And then, why hadn't he gone first? Why couldn't she have been the one behind the corner? He would never forgive himself if this ended how the gut-wrenching fear in his stomach tried to make him believe. He hoped and prayed that it was wrong. What the lady from the paramedics had said didn't sound too bad. But honestly, what did she know? She couldn't know what damage might have been made inside of Kate's body. She had no possibility of knowing what might have happened to their baby.
At this thought, Castle had to squint his eyes to keep the tears from spilling over. God, this uncertainty drove him mad. He rested his elbows on his knees and buried his face into his hands. How long had he been waiting here? How long had she been in the operating room? He didn't really know but he guessed it must have been a couple of hours now. Why on earth was nobody coming? He hadn't heard a word about Esposito either, had no idea if there was someone else from the precinct or their families waiting somewhere in the hospital too. But the fear was too paralyzing to get up and search for someone. He didn't dare to leave his spot and risk missing whoever might come and tell him how Kate was doing.
He just sat there, his eyes shut, and concentrated on breathing calmly to suppress the panic attack that was tugging on his mind, ready to send him over the edge of all rationalism if he allowed himself to not fight it for a second. He jumped when he suddenly felt a hand on his back tearing him out of his meditative state as he tried to keep the pieces of his sanity together.
Looking up his eyes met the face of a blonde-haired woman who gave him a warm, sympathetic smile. He didn't believe he had seen her before, but he wasn't sure. The faces of the hospital staff didn't seem important to him right now. "Mr. Castle?" The woman asked in a friendly voice, and he gave her a cut-off nod, his heart rate speeding up. The woman sat down on the chair next to him and his mind frantically tried to jump to conclusions whether that was a good or a bad sign.
"My name is Dr. Sawyer, I'm Ms. Beckett's surgeon." Castle swallowed. He wasn't ready for this. Not if she… Dr. Sawyer laid a hand on his knee and again his mind went into overdrive before she could even say a word. She must have been able to tell from his stare that he was close to breaking down. "Take a deep breath, Mr. Castle, she will be fine."
The words took a few seconds to make it to his mind. And then another few more for him to realize their meaning. But when he did, his face collapsed back into his hands and a groan of pure relief escaped his throat. Taking a deep breath like the doctor had told him he looked back up at her. "She has a quite complicated fracture in her shoulder, that's why the operation took a little longer. Apart from that she has two broken ribs and a heavy concussion. She's been very lucky. We were able to fix her shoulder and now she is set to wake up within the next hour." The friendly smile returned to the pretty woman's face. "My colleague from gynecology just confirmed that the baby is unharmed, and she doesn't expect any further complications with the pregnancy. But we'll keep an eye on that. And regarding your other team member, I can't make any promises yet but from what I've heard he is doing good and will be out of surgery soon too."
Hearing these words Castle felt his panic subsiding in slow waves, making room for the utter exhaustion the last few hours had caused him. He just nodded his head and mumbled a "Thank you." He knew that wasn't enough but neither his mind nor his voice were able to come up with anything more. "Would you like to see her? You can wait by her side until she wakes up. It would surely be nice for her if you were there." Castle nodded and before he knew it he was on his feet, a sharp pain shot through his ankle. But he didn't care one bit. Limping he followed Dr. Sawyer down the hallway to one of the countless patient rooms. She stopped and held the door open for him.
Without any further hesitation, he entered the room as fast as his ankle allowed him to. Shock and relief hit him with equal strength as he laid his eyes on her. She was still asleep, covered in those plain white hospital sheets. The scratches on her face looked a little better but still like they would hurt her when she woke up. The ruff from the emergency room was gone but her left shoulder was covered in bandages and wrapped in straps that tied her arm to her upper body.
He pulled the chair next to the bed even closer so that he could sit directly by her side. Letting himself fall onto the chair he reached for her hand that wasn't tied to her chest and firmly clasped his fingers around hers. He felt like he would never let go of her again.
He had already forgotten about Dr. Sawyer still standing in the door frame until she said "I'll leave the two of you alone. When she wakes up, please inform one of the nurses okay?" Castle nodded and replied with another "Thank you." But this time a lot clearer and more heartfelt.
Dr. Sawyer smiled at him once more and then went back down the hallway. Castle looked back to Kate's face. She looked peaceful and calm. Nothing like what he was feeling like. Now that the overpowering fear was slowly fading the feelings of anger, guilt, and anxiety of what consequences this day would possibly bring started to make room for themselves. But he decidedly pushed them away. For now, all he wanted to feel was the relief that she was okay. And that their baby was too. Carefully he placed their intertwined fingers over the little bump on her belly and softly caressed his thumb over it.
Everything was dark, quiet. She didn't feel anything, not even her body really. But slowly she was coming to some form of consciousness, telling her she was there, somewhere. She wanted to open her eyes but didn't know how. A familiar voice echoed through her mind. "Katie." She couldn't put a name to it right away, only a feeling. The feeling of warmth, comfort, and security.
"Katie, wake up." The voice became clearer and slowly her mind did too. She started to regain some form of connection to her body, finding it lying on something soft. Gathering her concentration, she found a way to open her eyes, feeling they were heavy and tired. She blinked into soft warm light and although she didn't see much more than a short glimpse of a wooden ceiling an immediate feeling of being home spread through her body.
It was at that moment she realized all pain was gone. When she blinked again, she forced her eyes to open completely and take in what was in front of them. She stared at the ceiling for a few more seconds and then turned her head to let her gaze wander down the room, knowing exactly what her eyes would spot next. The big, heavy wardrobe in the corner of the room the room that she had painted green when she was thirteen. And next to it was the door, covered in posters and pictures.
She turned her head a little bit more. Yes, it was all there. The rug with a strain of red color where she had knocked over a bottle of nail polish. The scratched old desk her father had asked her to get rid of countless times. The cozy brown armchair she had spent endless hours in reading. Yes, she was home.
"Katie." The soft voice somewhere near her whispered again and suddenly Kate was wide awake. She pushed herself up and looked to the end of the bed from where the voice was coming. And though she had known whose voice it was seeing the person it belonged to let her breath get caught in her throat. In shock she stared at the brown-haired woman with the most tender smile in the world, her eyes wide and her entire being in disbelief. "There you are, it took you a while." The tone was a little stern but Kate knew it all too well, knew that she was just joking with her as long as she had that little smile on her lips.
"Mom." The word slipped her lips without her having any control over it. She kept on staring at that face she hadn't seen in nearly fifteen years but still remembered every little detail of. As the seconds passed her confused mind suddenly caught a clear thought.
"Am I dead?"
The room was filled with the sound of a soft chuckle that caused Kate's heart to painfully scrunch together. For fifteen years the memory of that sound had caused her nothing but sadness and longing. Hearing it again was incredibly beautiful and painful at the same time.
"Oh no, honey. No, you aren't dead." Johanna Beckett took a step forward and slowly sat down on the bed, just an arm's length away from Kate, each of her movements so strangely familiar to Kate. "No, Katie, you aren't dead. And we both don't have to worry; you won't die anytime soon." Kate furrowed her brow in confusion. If she wasn't dead, how was she here? In her childhood bedroom with her mother, who she painfully knew wasn't alive.
"But what is this then?" She asked, looking at her mother's face in a try to absorb as much of it as possible. Johanna looked around the room and then back to her daughter, the soft smile returning to her lips. "I'm not sure, honey. But I think it's a chance to talk about some things we really need to talk about." The older woman's eyes caught the ones of her daughter in a firm gaze. "Katie, this has to stop."
Kate just blankly stared back at her, unable to process the words and her surroundings all at the same time while looking into her mother's eyes. "What?" She mumbled and her voice sounded far away and shallow to herself.
"You have to stop, Katie. You have to stop dedicating your life to find justice for mine."
Kate only noticed her mouth had been open when she closed it to answer back.
"Don't interrupt me, I'm not finished," Johanna said strictly and the tone reminded Kate of the countless times her mother had used it when she was young.
"Katie, this has been going on for long enough now. And now it reached a point where you have to decide to put your life over mine." The look in her mother's eyes intensified even more.
"I know what you have done for me, how hard you have fought for me. And believe me, honey, I am so incredibly proud of you. Proud of the woman you have become and of how determined and strong you are. But I am your mother and more than anything in the world I want you to be safe."
Johanna fell silent and her gaze slowly wandered down Kate's body. "And I am sure you can understand what I mean." Confused Kate's eyes followed her mother's and she was surprised to spot the little bump. Instinctively her hand found her way to it and yes, she knew exactly what her mother meant.
"Katie, you can't even imagine how much I grieve every second I couldn't be with you. And especially now. I know there were times when you needed me, and I couldn't be there. I wish I could have helped you and tell you everything will be fine, that you will do amazing." Her features softened and a smile returned to her lips. "But I also know you have found someone to tell you exactly that too. You should listen to him."
Kate felt a little smile spreading over her lips but before she could say anything her mother's face became serious again. "But Katie, it is important that you listen to me now. And that you do what I tell you." She waited for Kate to give her a little nod before she continued.
"Katie, you and your family, that is what matters now. You are about to be a mother and you carry the responsibility for this child. And this child is so much more important than I am. You can never risk your life or the life of your child for the sake of mine again, do you understand me?"
Kate was too stunned to react.
"I know how my death was almost unbearable for you and your father. I know how much you two have suffered. There is no way I can allow you to let that happen to your child and the man by your side too. Katie, I will never ask you to forget about me. But I ask you to let me go."
A shaky breath escaped Kate's throat. She looked at her mother's face feeling the longing it caused her to almost be unendurable. "How could I ever let you go? You are my mom." She heard how her voice nearly broke into a sob at the last words, tears starting to sting behind her eyes.
Johanna smiled back at her. "And I always will be. You will know there is nothing that can ever stop you from being a mother, once you hold your baby in your arms. But as your mother, it is my task to protect you. And I am sure you want to protect your child too, am I right?"
A tear spilled from the corner of Kate's eye as she nodded. "Of course."
"Then that is what I ask from you. From this day on you have to promise me to never allow anything to put you or your child in danger again. Believe me, nothing is worth seeing your child suffer, no matter what causes the pain. And I should know, because I watched you suffering half your life. But I want this to stop now. Ahead of you lies the most wonderful experience, the most wonderful love you will ever know. And I want you to enjoy it to the fullest."
Letting the words sink in Kate slowly closed her eyes to be able to think clearly for a moment and not be distracted by her mother's face.
"But I have to keep fighting for you. Who else will do?"
The feeling of soft fingertips gracing the back of her hand let Kate's eyes shoot open again, staring back into those of her mother. "No one. And that is okay. Because there are more important things to fight for." The tenderness in her voice was almost painful. Kate couldn't keep the tears from streaming down her face anymore.
"Oh, Katie, my little girl, my baby." Johanna's hand lifted and softly touched Kate's cheek. Kate leaned into the touch, desperate to savor it forever.
"I know, I demand a lot from you. But I also know you can do it. And that you have people by your side to remind you of what really matters."
"You matter too." Kate sobbed.
"I do, at least to you. And that is the most wonderful gift a child can give to its parents. And for me, that is enough. The fact that you love me and miss me after all those years is all I need."
"I miss you every day, every second."
"I know, baby. And I miss you too, more than I can put into words."
Kate led her hand to her mother's, burning the feeling of her skin into her memory, inhaling the smell of her, capturing her entire presence. She knew that whatever messed up kind of dream this was was her last chance to do so.
"I promise, I will try," Kate whispered.
She felt her mother's thumb caress over her cheek and at the same time could tell she or whatever all of this was started to fade.
"You will do amazing, Katie, believe me. And I will be with you like I've been all those years. As long as you keep me in your heart, I will be near."
"Mom, please. I love you." Kate whispered in a desperate try to let this last just a few seconds longer. She forced herself to open her eyes again and was met by the warm and seemingly always-knowing gaze of her mother.
"I love you too, honey. More than anything. But it's time to go now. Someone is waiting for you."
The feeling of the hand on her cheek slowly started to fade just like the room around her. Kate stared at her mother and through all the pain of having to let her go once more she found herself smiling at her as she slowly dissolved into a bright blinding light, that forced Kate to close her eyes.
Everything was dark again. But there was something, far away but coming closer with every heartbeat. In fact there were a lot of things that were slowly finding their way to her. A beeping sound, a soft surface under her body, a pounding pain in her shoulder. And a hand tightly holding onto hers.