Note:

This is *completely* a spin-off, in which you don't need to read other chapters to understand this. Or, you don't have to read this in order to understand the future chapters.

This takes place after most of the dreadful events from Chōjirō's route—

Please be warned that the content is quite dark and dispiriting. Do NOT read if you are easily triggered.

My heart is merely a vessel for letting me to live. It is filled with so much nihility that it doesn't feel anything. Nothing. There is nothing. There are no emotions, feelings, or thoughts inside this empty vessel of mine.

Everyday is the same. However, I do not mind this sort of mundanity. I simply need to accomplish my missions, my job. After all, that is what I live for.

—Though, that was only what my heart thought before those tragic incidents happened.

As I was walking disappointedly on the grass field after I finally managed to catch a fish from the river, I saw a girl. I mean, the girl who saved me from losing myself. Thanks to her, I was finally able to feel and think.

"Ha..."

I sighed as I looked back at the very tiny fish I just caught.

This wouldn't be enough for the two of us.

I let out a heavy sigh again and looked at her from some distance.

I hope she feels better today.

I thought and frowned at the extra tiny fish again.

If only I was more skilled at things like these...

We did not have much money left. We did not have much food, supplies, nor a proper place to rest.

At this rate, we are going to die. ...Just because of my stupid fishing skills.

As I thought more about this, the degree of self-hate continued to grow inside me as the disgust towards myself was so intense that I held my fists tight, and started to scratch the flesh inside my palms.

Is this what people call a good-for-nothing? I can't even take care of a person when they need me the most.

We are decaying. Both our body and mind. However, I can't bare to see her like this anymore.

Hopefully she feels better today.

Again, I prayed inside my heart. Although I didn't believe in any kind of myths, gods or Buddha, at all.

The wind was blowing gently, her long silk hair was swaying lightly along the direction of the wind.

She looked like a doll, I thought.

Since her hair was blocking her face, I could not quite see her expression clearly. She was crouching down and seemed to be doing something.

She shouldn't be crouching... Or else the wound on her knees would get worse.

So, I walked closer to her to see what she might have been doing.

As I walked towards her slowly, each step felt heavy. From looking at her back, she seemed helpless and lonely.

So... fragile.

"...What are you... doing?"

I stuttered at the sight when I managed to take a glimpse of the small... red colour palette.

My voice must have been shaking. It was a tremendous sight, after all.

The grass was stained with drips of red paint. Some of the paint dripped on her cyan kimono.

Her body jumped after knowing my presence. She froze for a second.

Was she too concentrate on doing her own thing that she couldn't even hear my footsteps?

Gradually, she turned to me with tension.

"..."

She looked up at me slowly, with watery eyes. It was an innocent look. As if, she was telling me she didn't do anything wrong, and that she didn't want to be scolded. Her lips were shivering slightly. Her eyes were red.

She then looked down again, she pursed her lips.

"..."

Quietly, her beautiful dews fell onto the patch of green grass, and her red colour palette. She was quietly observing how the water droplets were falling down into her red paint.

Her face was wet. There were traces of both wet and dry tears across her cheeks.

I wanted to ask her what happened, but as much as I hated, my mind told me I should not have cared about something as meaningless as such. My brain told me that it wasn't my business.

However, I was not my former self anymore. I acted on my own before my brain could think any further more.

"..."

I crouched down, so that I was almost the same height as hers. I opened my arms gradually, then wrapped them around her fragile figure. I must have acted awkwardly... after all, this was not my thing. But, I just thought I wanted to do this.

The girl fell into my embrace delicately, like a lifeless doll.

Her strands of long white hair tangled around my arms, they were smooth and soft. They really did like silk. I couldn't help but comb it with my fingers.

"Hnn..."

She responded to my behaviour as her small head rested near my shoulder and chest.

As I combed her hair, I smelt iron. I smelt steel and metal. The smell made me feel precious. It must have been precious. This must have been the thought and emotion I had been feeling. Or else, I wouldn't know how I should have named it.

I patted her back gently because her body was shivering inside my arms.

"...Aa... aa."

Her voice cracked.

I kept patting her back without saying anything, as I did not know the comforting words I should have said.

"I'm sorry... I'm, sorry...!"

"..."

Her hands started to grab my clothes on the sides, she was grasping the purple fabric of my kimono tightly.

Then she started to sob.

Her sobs were calming and soft. They were not loud. She was speaking broken sentences due to her anxiety and nervousness.

"Niisama... aa... why am I like.. this...? Niisama... I'm so sorry to have let you seen this. I-I am sor...sorry."

"I do not blame you, Enju."

I spoke to her with the most calming tone I could speak.

"...! Mmm..."

"..."

My rough hands kept patting her back, I wished my presence itself could convey my thoughts to her. How much I cared about her, how much I cherished her, how much I...

"..."

Eventually, she fell asleep inside my arms, so I decided to observe her while hugging her.

It reminded me of the past when she slept beside me in those days when I returned home from my missions. She would cuddle with me and pretended she was asleep.

Why did it remind me all of this?

Maybe... it was because she was sleeping so innocently. She still looked like the same to me, though I knew she had already changed... in a not so healthy way.

She was different from her old self. She rarely smiled after those tragic events had happened.

I gently rubbed away some of the dry red paint from her arms and her wrist by my thumb. I could feel the warmth from her body temperature through my hands.

Her body is soft and warm.

I caressed her cheek with one of my hands, wiping off that tear which was rolling down her face; my other hand was still holding her waist so that she wouldn't fall.

...

I am useless.

Such a useless, obtuse, asinine man who can't even comfort his little sister!

I always make her cry. I am incapable to make her smile. Maybe the others could... No, I am certain, that they would make her smile.

...

I hate me being me. I hate this foolish man so much.

...

My heart hurts. It is like, there is a blade cutting my heart into pieces. It hurts so much.

Is Enju feeling this too?

...

After a while, she woke up from the small slumber and seemed to have calmed down a little.

"Niisama..."

She opened her tired eyes and circled her arms around my waist softly.

"You know... you really don't need to care about me. Actually, sometimes I think... I wish... that you don't care about me."

"What do you mean?"

What exactly is she trying to say now? Why is she saying this... Is it because, that my way comfort is making her feel uncomfortable? ...That, my way of concern is... rubbish.

"I don't deserve this, so you don't need to stay with me. I am fine. I am very fine by myself. I am doing alright and I don't want you to think about me. Back then... I was never a part of your important missions. If... there was a herb in the world which could make a person forget, I wish you could eat it and forget about me."

Such pessimistic thoughts. Well, maybe that relates to how I have influenced her as well.

"Enju, you are far more important than my missions. Do not say such thing. Missions are nothing to me now. Don't you understand?"

I said, somehow frustrated.

She smiled at me, looking relieved all of a sudden.

"You are always so gentle to me, niisama."

"..."

"But I don't deserve that. Don't waste your time with me anymore. I want you to be like you... I want you to keep staying as you."

I frowned, pondering what she meant.

I don't want to hear you saying this... Please.

She pushed off my arms with that little strength of hers and stood up.

"Please forget this niisama. I think, I simply like doing this."

"I don't-"

"...Oh."

She looked at me with an innocent look suddenly as she paused my sentence.

"You must have found me disgusting now, right?"

She laughed softly, like a broken angel. This just made me realised that I have always loved her laughter. Even at this very moment.

I love her. I love her laughter. I love her tears. I love her everything.

I have always loved hearing her joyful giggles. And although they don't sound joyful anymore, I would not mind spending my entire life listening to her lovely laughter.

Was this strange of me? Even how twisted this might have been, I thought her laughter sounded pure and innocent.

"No, Enju. Not at all. I-"

"Aa. I'm sorry."

She apologised again.

But I don't want to hear her apologise! So why is she apologising! Is it because I, the stupid man is here!?

"Enju, wouldn't you listen to me?!"

I shouted and dig my nails into my palms, hard.

Enju stood there and hung her head.

"See, I made you mad... I made you hurt yourself again. I am not good for you. I don't want you to be unhappy."

I'm sorry niisama. I'm not your good cousin and student.

I'm sorry niisama. I'm really sorry.

I know I disappointed you. I know I am nothing good.

Sorry for always being like this.

"Niisama. Do you know? I don't quite like myself."

She caressed her red colour palette gently while saying this.

"But niisama, you always tell me you like me..."

She smiled with her cheeks reddened a little.

"What should I do then...? I always end up staying here, because I..."

She walked closer to me.

"...I love you."

Enju looked at me with tears in a shy way.

"!"

Maybe I still hadn't figured out this situation entirely yet. I simply stood there like a statue, my hands stuck to my sides.

"As much as I tried to ignore it, my feelings continue to grow for you each day."

Me too.

"...Niisama, I am sorry for a lot of things. I know... that you don't love me the way I l-love you."

Stop saying these kind of things. That is what I have been struggling to tell you as well.

"But when you told me you didn't want me to die, when you stopped me from committing suicide and stabbed my blade into your palms instead that day, that was when I decided I would stay here with you. Until... you don't need me anymore. If you ever don't like me anymore, please, remember to tell me. Because I hate myself so much ri-"

I kissed her abruptly to shut her mouth up from saying anything more that I did not want to hear. I hated her pessimistic thoughts.

Her lips are soft.

"...!"

She widened her eyes. Her cheeks were blushing, which I have always found that adorable.

Do not say that. Do not say anything more. Do not leave me. Stay. Just stay with me...I don't care if you are imperfect, if you are broken. I love you as you. Don't go away, please... I would use all methods to keep you here. If you are not here, I will, I will...

My heart was filled with these feelings while kissing her. I wanted to convey them to her. Would she understand and accept them?

"Me too."

She froze in place, not knowing how to react.

"I don't just like you. I love you too, Enju... I never had the chance to say it. I... I didn't know how to tell you that. What you was saying to me just now is what I am feeling too. Please let me return those words to you. Please continue to stay here, with me. I might be really selfish, but would you... would you live for me?"

I held her shoulders firmly. I looked into her eyes with unease as I was so worried that she would refuse.

Her cheeks turned redder and redder as she looked down on the ground, not meeting my eyes. Her lips were red. Maybe I kissed her too desperately. Too roughly.

"I also don't like myself. You know that, right? But you rely on me so much, which makes me think- that I need to live on, so that the person I love will feel less helpless. Because I know you need me. But, do you not need me anymore now...?"

"Of course I need you, niisama."

She answered immediately.

I caressed her silk hair and held her red colour palette gently inside my scarred palm.

"Sometimes I hate myself so much. I am so insensitive Enju. You know, I, am the one who doesn't deserve you."

"Niisama. Don't say that. You are an amazing person. I have always admired you since I was small. And, recently, I just realised how I truly felt about you. But I am... not perfect. Far from perfect. I am broken and pessimistic and I don't even like me being me. So why would you even like me?"

Enju stared at her red colour palette with watery eyes.

"Enju, listen to me. I love you. I love all of you. So please, don't worry that I do not love anything about you. It's just that, if there is one thing that I don't like, it will be your pessimistic thoughts. Though... fu, I guess this isn't something for me to say when I am just the same as you are."

She was crying, but she was smiling at me in bliss.

"Niisama... you are so... perfect. Perfect, for me."

"Enju..."

I kissed her one more time. On her lips.

We held our scarred hands together and walked with each other towards a world- where the two of us would always stay together no matter what happened around us.

Author's note

Another spin-off chapter will be uploaded soon. Please stay tuned.

Thank you for reading.