Chapter 17
I Need a Hero
"Alright Snowy, punch in that cassette!" Monster Kid roared.
"Why?"
"Because we need a wicked soundtrack to deliver an awesome action montage!' he shouted back. "Isn't that right, Kris?"
Kris flipped a thumbs up before realizing they needed to verbally answer. "Yes. Play the song, Snowy."
Snowy bent the microphone towards the cassette player and cranked up the volume. Booming from the gigantic robot and across all their lines of communication came the opening lines to their battle song:
"Where have all the baddasses vanished? Where are all the gods? Where's street smart Achilles, to fight the rising tide? Isn't there a black knight upon a flaming steed? Early in the morning, I have insomnia dreaming about what I need…"
"Let the music pump you up!" Susie shouted, flexing and nervously swinging her battle axe.
She and Kris watched from high above in the paper airplane as Monster Kid's battlebot raced forward, launching a deadly barrage of rockets and missiles at The Dude's castle. Explosions and roaring fires consumed the gates, tearing them apart. Large, armored hermit crabs were thrown off the walls and into the deep moat below.
The drawbridge was quickly pulled up. Grappling hooks fired from the robot's hands and caught it. Unseen widgets and pulleys strained, yanking the bridge back into place. Catapults began flinging stones and bombs at Monster Kid, Snowy, and Jockington. Susie charged up Rude Bester and unleashed a barrage of her own, blasting the projectiles to smithereens before they landed. The robot was needed to keep up the missile barrage on the castle itself.
Kris pointed at Ralsei who cried out, "Bringing the plane down now! We want to land before they can adjust!"
Kris heaved clumps of seaweed out of the airplane and let them fly towards the bridge. The healing bands slammed against the suspended walkway, shuddering and struggling between chains and grappling hooks. The extra weight slammed the drawbridge down and latched it firmly in place.
Monster Kid drove the robot forward, rocket boosters blazing to life under the machine's feet. It flew right through the opening and crashed into the sandcastle behind the high walls. Bad guys and guards descended from every tower and rushed in from every direction to swarm the robot.
Monster Kid's orders clashed with the lyrics.
"Jockington, give control of the fists to Snowy!"
"-Gotta be strong, he's gotta be swift, gotta be sweatin' from the fight!"
"You do know this doesn't really match you, Kris?" Susie joked.
"Hey! Don't discriminate against us snakes who have no hands!"
"I have no hands!"
"But when the peaks pierce the storm clouds above!"
"I'm bringing us in now! Brace yourselves!" Ralsei shouted!
"There's too much going on!" Snowy shouted.
BOOM! CRASH!
"HERO! I need a hero, I'm awaiting a hero of the night! And he's gotta be true, and he's gotta be sure, and he's-"
Ralsei crashed the paper airplane into the topmost tower as the others filled the castle courtyards with fire and destruction. The battlebot was punching aside small robots and casually flinging more hermit crabs away. Whenever any of them got too close with their own rocket launchers or crushing claws, Monster Kid easily tore them away.
The crash, meanwhile, gave the heroes enough TP for Susie to unleash another Rude Buster, sweeping the room. Dusty soldiers and officers like miniature soldiers from the dollar bag, were blasted off their feet and crashed to the ground, unconscious.
"What if our friends had been in here?" Ralsei stammered.
"Nah, there's no way The Dude would keep Temmie and the others holed up at the top of the tower after Noelle tried to save her. He'd want to move them somewhere else where we'd have to search through the castle and tire ourselves out trying to save them," Susie said confidently. "Maybe even get ourselves trapped. But so far, so good!"
Kris gave her the thumbs up. The execution was a little shaky, the plan was working! They were all inside The Dude's castle and wrecking the place. This should draw out the final boss and initiate the last battle they needed to win. The quickest way to guarantee that showdown was to swiftly rescue their friends.
With the room's enemy leveled, the heroes sprinted for the stairs. Kris threw out a surfboard shield and all three jumped on. Working together, they surfed down the stairs, scattering any soldiers coming to try and reinforce the baddies they had already beaten.
"But where are we going?" Ralsei screamed over the roar of the explosions outside.
"Down to the very bottom!" Susie shouted.
Kris nodded in the affirmative. Their line of thinking was that there had to be a prison in the middle of the island, especially deep down. Should the prisoners try to escape, they would dig themselves into a cliff and get caught by the hermit crabs. And if they dug down, they would end up in the moat. And going up meant going through all of the castle's defenders. Temmie had been bait to pull the heroes there. And now that The Dude had a number of hostages, it would be smarter to bury them deeper down.
The music continued playing outside as the Fun Gang crashed into the main hall.
"I need a hero! I'm holding out for a hero until the morning light! He's gotta be ripped! He's gotta have swag! And he's gotta-!"
A whole platoon of grey-skinned human beings were blocking the way to another staircase leading even deeper in to the castle. Sand was raining down on everyone as the robot continued pummeling the sandcastle and destroying the guards.
"I thought you were all about sparing your enemies!" one guard shouted to them.
"Usually, yes! But we've had a hard time in this Dark World with so many people willing to surrender and just be friends," Susie called back. "But you could always change that by acting friendly and giving us back our pals!"
"Never!"
"Suit yourself!" And with that, she rushed them swinging her axe wildly. Kris and Ralsei ran along the flanks. Closing in from the sides, they forced the green-skinned guards into a cluster. Susie laid into them, knocking them all unconscious. Small, paloverde birdies formed around the guards' heads, flying in small circles and twittering.
Kris ordered the group onwards and they ran deeper into the bowels of the castle.
The music above rose to heroic heights, propelling them forward and downward. This was the moment when they were finally going to win!
Deep down in the basement, they found a room guarded by heavy, black iron doors. A snarling, lion's face stuck out of the metal. As the heroes approached it roared and spoke to them, "Halt! Ye who would pass beyond me must answer these questions three! Else thy friends be decease!"
"Crap, I thought we had left this kind of silliness behind after thrashing Roulx Kaard all those times," Susie grumbled. "Alright, Kris, you get to answer them!"
"What are your friends names?" the lion asked.
Noelle, Berdly, Catti, and Temmie.
"What is your quest?"
To defeat The Dude and save everyone.
"What is your favorite color?"
Purple.
"Alright, off you pop!" it said, winging both doors wide open.
"That was easy!" Susie said, astounded. She then blushed, "Your favorite color isn't red or green? Could have fooled me with those eyes and your wardrobe choice."
Kris winked at her.
The lion snarled, "If ye thinkest that mine riddles were so easy, then thou mayest try me for another round of riddles thrice!"
Susie conked the lion with her axe, bashing in its face as she passed.
Crunch!
The heroes raced into the darkened room. Ralsei used his magic to help cast some illumination. What they discovered brought them all skidding to a halt. Temmie, Noelle, Berdly, and Catti were all stuffed into a cage made of razor coral reef. Their cell was shunted into the corner of the otherwise empty room. Except for a gigantic, black egg embedded in the center. It had an ugly, smiling face painted on it.
"Susie! Kris! You're here!" Noelle shouted, relieved.
"Watch out for eg!" Temmie warned. "Dood did sumthin' weird and left, laughing."
"Temmie's right. The Dude was hanging out with us here until recently and then left the moment the castle started shaking and we began hearing that music," Berdly explained.
"Are you… Really listening to… I Need a Hero?" Catti asked with a sly grin.
"We needed battle montage music!" Susie said defensively. She raised her axe. "Now, do you want me to break you guys out or not?"
"Watch out for eg!" Temmie repeated. "It's all wrong! He hud a toad sating on the eg! That messes up the eg and cuzes all kinds of mistchief and prublems!"
"Temmie is right," Ralsei said. "Toads don't sit on their eggs!"
"Wait a second," Noelle mused as Susie began hacking into the prison bars. "There's all kinds of strange magic you can do with unhatched eggs. Catti! Do you remember some of the monsters we read about when we did occult research?"
Catti's eyes lit up and she smiled broadly. "Of course… the basilisk! A murderous serprent… Hatched from a chicken's egg… That a toad's sat on."
"But that's no cheekun eg!" Temmie insisted. "That's an evil klone of Eg made by da Dood. It's uh bad eg!"
As she said that, a creepy heartbeat filled the chamber. It was coming from the egg. Kris sprinted for the egg and drove their sword into the shell. They aimed to kill or stop whatever was inside. If this was a monster created by The Dude, in a Dark World like this, they could not afford to let it out.
As the sword connected with the eggshell, there was a blast of blue light. It was so powerful that it hurled Kris backwards and filled the whole chamber. It blinded everyone for a moment before they heard a sickening crack. The light receded and The Dude stood hovering above the egg.
He beamed at them all and said, "Thank you! Thank you! It's taken a while for us all to get here, but I really wanted to make sure that set up an excellent story for you little interlopers. This scheme was devised so that no matter what transpires next, you will lose! And when the so-called Fun Gang and their little friends are no more, we will have the book!"
A magical, silver surfboard formed under The Dude's feet and he sped up the staircase.
"Come back here and fight us you coward!" Susie roared.
Crack!
The egg was hatching. Cracks were forming all along the shell. The heartbeat quickened, as if the beast inside was excited to come forth and fight them. Kris pointed at Susie and urged her to break the cage immediately. Susie repositioned herself, raising the axe high over her head, and brought it down with enough force to cause an earthquake. The coral reef shattered.
CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!
The egg was getting ready to split open. Temmie urged everyone on to get out of the chamber immediately. Though Susie wanted to fight whatever was coming out of the egg, but Kris urged her that they needed to catch The Dude and end this.
"We don' wanna fight the Jabilisk!" Temmie shouted.
"Excuse me, but don't you mean the Jabberwocky?" Berdly asked.
"I thought it was a basilisk," Noelle said.
Temmie shook her head frantically. "No! Eg is gonna grow and become a Jabilisk!"
The friends all sprinted up the stairs, hearing the echoing cracks of the hatching egg following them like a threatening shadow. Explosions continued to sound above, and the sandcastle shook frantically from the epic battle being waged by Monster Kid, Snowy, and Jockington. The staircase, rooms, and corridors were all empty. There were no more defenders, no traps, no awaiting puzzles. It was as if The Dude had decided to completely abandon his fortress.
The prospects sent a shiver up Kris' spine.
When they stumbled out into the courtyard, they found the large robot throwing and kicking the last of the weaponized hermit crabs out into the sand dunes. The walls had crumbled into the moat and a third of the castle was gone. The Dude was still on his silver surfboard, waving to all of them. With a swing of his arm, the main tower collapsed, and the Dark Fountain came spilling out, gushing towards the sky.
Ralsei squirmed, fully remembering the last time something like this had happened. They had become too complacent since their last major battle for the Dark World. A hidden Dark Fountain empowering the final boss.
The Dude waggled his fingers and taunted, "Toodles, my good dudes! You fought well! There was no way I could beat all ten of you together, such as I am! But perhaps my new pet can give you a challenge while I make my escape!"
CRAAAAACK!
The ground split open and the horrid stench of rotten eggs assaulted them. Without another word, The Dude darted up into the sky and vanished in the pillar of Darkness. A grating squawking noise reached the heroes next as an obscured figure muscles its way to the ruined courtyard.
"Quick everyone, get in!" Monster Kid encouraged, bending the great robot down. A door appeared in its hand. Kris and Susie waved all of their friends through and brought up the rear just as the newest boss monster revealed itself.
When Kris and Susie rejoined Monster Kid at the controls they got their first good look at what they were dealing with. Temmie oohed and awed over this so-called Jabilisk. It was absolutely disgusting.
It stood even taller than their war robot. Putrid, tattered wings stretched out wide enough to envelope the entire castle and then some. The body was slimy, serpentine, and covered in warts and venomous spines. Its head was like a snake's, but it had a beak. Three milky white eyes glared back at the robot. And for some strange reason, a large, beefy arm protruded from the back of its neck.
Susie grimaced. "That is one ugly son of a-"
"Eg! What did Da Dood do to-!"
"Those eyes," Noelle gasped with revulsion. "They're just like-"
"A bat out of hell, that's what that is," Jockington quipped. "Quick! Monster Kid, arm the-!"
"Melons! Get your fresh melons here!" Snowy shouted.
"Wrong movie!" Susie snapped. "And what the hell are you all-!"
"It's attacking!" Ralsei shouted.
"Will people stop inter-!" Susie sputtered as the robot shook.
The Jabalisk twisted about and pummeled the war machine with its ridiculous arm. The robot stumbled back out of the castle, careening across the bridge and somehow miraculously didn't fall into the moat. However, things were still looking rather grim.
"We took a lot of damage there!" Monster Kid shouted. We just lost about 30% of our total HP with that hit. Fighting all those guards and weird crabs also took about the same, so we're going to start seeing a whole lot of sparks and systems shutting down!"
Not on Kris' watch. They sprinted for the controls to see if there was anything else they could do. And luckily there was. It was the nuclear option. It was the anime option.
They shook their head, amused. On a crazy day with an absolutely bonkers journey through a new Dark World, of course their potential salvation would be just as wonky and nonsensical. They flipped the cap off the button and jammed it, shouting to the others to get ready.
"What do you mean we're about to get a makeover?" Jockington asked.
Catti, who was nearby, rolled her eyes and muttered, "We're… about to go… full blown anime."
Berdly shed a single tear. "It's everything I ever wanted!"
There was a flash and all ten heroes were absorbed completely into the robot, fortifying it with their powers, abilities, classes, and combined HP. In an expensive transformation montage, the robot became an amalgamation dressed in a combination of paladin, knight, and barbarian's armors, with the mask of a rogue, with the symbols of a cultist painted all over the armor, hidden under the robes of a priest and monk, and billowing steam from the war-forged and artificer elements, wielding a bard's guitar and topped with Ralsei's hat.
"This is an absolute mess," Susie muttered from within the robot's consciousness.
"My sweetest, I must disagree," Berdly countered. "We are magnificent!"
"Enough, we need to get going!" Kris ordered. "Attack!"
The robot swung the guitar like a club and smashed the Jabalisk's face. Magical musical notes fell from the sky and pierced the monster. It response it vomited a wave of acid at them. With wav e of their hand, the robot conjured a wall of ice to shield themselves. The acid annihilated the ice but didn't harm them otherwise.
"Watch out! This guy is really strong!" Noelle warned.
"Let try out my axe next!" Susie asserted aggressively.
The guitar turned into her great axe. The robot swung the axe, hacking deeply into the Jabilisk. It screamed and bit down on them. The armor held, but the acid still took out some of their HP. Catti encouraged them to cast debuffing spell. Curse marks appeared all over the Jabilisk, weakening it and slowing the monster. The other hand hacked gleefully into the monster.
The third white eye suddenly shone with incredible brilliance, knocking them back. The curses were then transferred from the Jabilisk onto them. With a high-powered healing spell, the robot dismissed the curses. Using Jockington's athleticism, the robot snaked out of the way and avoided another heavy punch. This once blasted a crater into the earth and caused a storm at the same time.
Its left eye flashing blue this time, the Jabilisk called down lighting to strike the robot and immobilize it. Kris took over, transforming the axe into their sword. They held up the blade and caught the lightning. They then swung down, transferring the same electrical damage to the monster while ordering another healing spell.
Once more, the robot scored a heavy blow, and the Jabilisk was fried with its own spell. Unfortunately, its own regenerative abilities kept the creature on par with the heroes.
"Let use some of our special rockets now!" Monster Kid shouted. "One from each of us!"
The robot unleashed ten different rockets, each one painted with the face of one of the heroes on the warhead. Each rocket also contained the greatest, high-level attack that each hero was capable, unleashing maelstrom of magic and devastating energy. They all crashed into the Jabilisk as Berdly transformed Kris' sword into his signature halberd. He brought the axe head down with a mighty swing, crushing in the beast's head.
"And that's how you win a boss battle!" Berdly said proudly.
"Watch out!" Noelle shouted.
The Jabilisk's beefy arm and hand took hold of the halberd and reeled them in. The serpentine body snaked around them and began constricting the entire robot. The creature just kept on healing!
Snowy began singing, trying to calm or charm the Jabilisk, but it wasn't working. "Temmie!" he shouted. "Use your beast-taming abilities!"
"Jabilisk iz too evil!" she said apologetically. "It can't be tamed or snoozeded"
"Then how the hell are we supposed to beat this thing?" Susie raged.
A bolt of light fell from the stormy sky and slammed into the Jabilisk. The force was so great that the robot popped out of its coil. A great dragon unfurled its wings and proudly declared, "WITH SOME HELP FROM YOUR FRIENDS, OF COURSE!"
"Dragonmite!" Kris, Susie, Ralsei, and Noelle said together.
"Who?" the others asked.
"I WOULDN'T BE ON THE PATH TO SELF-IMPROVEMENT AND LOVING MYSELF IF I JUST LET MY FRIENDS DIE TO THIS THING," Dragonmite said, spewing molten lava all over the Jabilisk.
It peeled off the flesh that was charred and boiling, only to be completely restored. It lashed out at Dragonmite, but the robot threw up a wall of ice. The Jabilisk tried punching the robot, but Dragonmite came in again and clubbed the monster over the head with her tail. It became a tag team effort. But even with their powers combined, the Jabilisk kept shrugging off all the hits. It just couldn't land many of its own anymore. A stalemate.
The earth began rumbling and the sands filled the crater that the Jabilisk had punched into the earth. A wave of ravenous crabs crested the nearest sand dunes, charging for the Jabilisk. They cheered as they came.
"Food!"
"Regenerating food!"
"Sweet nectar of life!"
"The eternal feast!"
The Jabilisk turned towards them and spewed more acid. Many crabs were disintegrated, but they kept coming. They ran up the monster's body like killer ants, intent on prying the Jabilisk apart. They were already eating the monster when the heroes and Dragonmite renewed their attack.
The pearly dragon leaped on the boss monster's back and pinned the beefy arm with her hindlegs as she pried the beast's jaws open. She upchucked lava right down its gullet. The robot transformed the halberd back into Kri's sword. The heroes aimed the point at a glowing, bulging spot in the Jabilisk's neck. Then, as one, they surged forward and impaled it.
KABOOOOOM!
The Jabilisk blew up, scattered into pieces and spraying desperate crabs in every direction. Dragonmite flew back and out of the explosion. The robot fell to its knees, having expended enough energy. The ten friends spilled out of it as the machine reverted back to its old form.
"Going… Full blown anime… is rough…" Catti said, wheezing hard, though most people thought it was still just her normal way of talking.
"Kris, Susie," Ralsei said weakly. "Come on, you need to close the Dark Fountain and get everyone back home. Who knows what else will happen… And with those crabs…"
Hand-in-hand, the couple got up. Dragonmite flew low and spoke to them, "Gotta get to the Fountain, huh?"
"That would be nice if we could get a lift," Susie said, sore.
The large dragon carefully scooped them up and took the three friends right to the Fountain. Kris, Susie, and Ralsei stumbled forward. Kris reached out with their SOUL and merged with the Fountain, initiating the close.
"See ya later!" Dragonmite shouted.
FWOOOSH!
The sun was setting, casting a beautiful glow and array of colors across the waves. Ralsei was gone. The sky was normal, and everyone was on their backs, sunburned and sore.
"Well, I guess that is as good as we could have hoped for," Susie grumbled, getting up. She rubbed her back, eyes widening. Turning around, in the sand, her hands had brushed up against a forgotten toy, buried deep.
It was a beautiful, white dragon toy.