Nights That Never End

by SilverGrayAndMauve

Being a superhero comes with a lot of trauma and loss. Loving an ex-superhero means going through it with them. Kamilla didn't know just what she was signing up for when she started dating Cisco, but she's ready to face anything that comes their way-even if it means losing a little sleep now and again.

1.

The first time Cisco woke Kamilla up in the middle of the night, it caught them both by surprise. It happened back when Kamilla still lived in her cheap shoebox apartment, the best a bartender's wage could afford, and Cisco had stayed the night after a riveting evening together of food truck hopping and Mario Kart.

It had been a pretty eventful week for the two of them even before then; the night Cisco had revealed his secret identity to Kamilla at Jitters, he had also given her an abridged history of his life as Vibe and as a member of Team Flash, until eventually they had parted ways so she could start her closing shift at Liquid Kitty, and he could get back to helping his team plan their next move against Cicada Deuce. In the days that had followed, Cisco had recounted more and more of Team Flash's adventures to Kamilla, and filled her in on related matters such as time travel and parallel universes, and why she wouldn't be seeing XS or Vibe in the news anymore. It was a lot to take in in such a short amount of time, but it just made Kamilla feel closer to Cisco, knowing he trusted her enough to clue her in about that part of his life.

Their relationship had reached a turning point, one that none of her previous relationships ever had before, and she was looking forward to finding out how they would progress from there. What she hadn't counted on was just how much she was going to learn about the drawbacks that came with that part of his life, or how soon.

They had both been up a little late the night it happened, fueled by tacos, elote, homemade margaritas, and their shared love of throwing turtle shells at animated drivers, until they were both so tired that it was becoming difficult to keep their eyes open. Kamilla had suggested Cisco stay the rest of the night so he wouldn't have to drive home tired, and he had gladly accepted her invitation. So after breaching home to get his toothbrush and some other nighttime essentials (Kamilla found it funny that Cisco bothered driving at all when he carried an extrapolator with him), they had both retreated to Kamilla's bedroom and gone to sleep.

Kamilla had been sleeping soundly for a good few hours, until she was jolted awake by a sudden movement from right beside her.

Acting on instinct, she sat up and turned on her bedside lamp, then quickly looked over to Cisco's side of the bed.

There she found him lying stiff on his back, his eyes wide and unfocused. He was breathing in gasps, his chest rising and falling unevenly, and he had shivers running through his whole body as though he were either freezing or in severe pain.

"Cisco!" Kamilla let out, lurching toward him at once. She tried not to panic, but she could already feel her pulse pounding in her ears as she looked him over. "Oh my—are you okay?"

She set her hand on his shoulder, and Cisco tensed at the contact, flinching away from her and squeezing his eyes shut as the shivering worsened.

Kamilla gaped at him in astonishment, at a loss for what to do. He had seemed fine all evening. Was he having a delayed reaction to something he had eaten? Was this what a seizure looked like in real life?

She lightly brushed the back of her hand against his forehead to check for a fever, and he tensed again, though not as drastically as before. She could feel the dampness of light perspiration along his hairline, but he didn't feel any warmer than usual—or any cooler, for that matter, yet the shivering persisted.

"Cisco?" Kamilla said again, more quietly now and worried near the point of tears. "Can you hear me?"

Cisco didn't respond right away, but his breathing slowed somewhat at the sound of her voice. A moment later, his eyes opened again. He looked more alert this time, but he seemed frozen in place, save for the involuntary trembling. For a little while, he just stared straight at the wall, until slowly, hesitantly, he turned his head toward Kamilla. When he did, Kamilla was unnerved to see that the look in his eyes was of pure terror.

"Kamilla?" Cisco said in a strained voice.

Kamilla nodded. "Yes?" she replied, her hope rising. "It's okay, I'm right here."

Cisco let out a breath of relief, almost as though he had been expecting her to be someone else—though who, Kamilla had no idea.

The moment was short-lived, as Cisco hurriedly began to sit up. "I have to go right now," he declared, much to Kamilla's bafflement. He still looked shaken, but there was a certain determination in his expression now as well. Adding to her concern, he tried to push off of the bed with the back of his hands in his haste to get up, and his arms trembled as he put more weight than he should on his joints.

"Whoa—hey," Kamilla said, gently pushing down on his shoulder to stop him from spraining his wrists. "Slow down. What's going on?"

Cisco faltered for just a moment, but it wasn't long before, with a resolute toss of his head, he was pulling himself up again, and Kamilla set one hand behind Cisco's back and took hold of his arm with the other, providing him with a little extra support and carefully turning his hand so his palm faced downward as he shifted into an upright position.

"It's the Reverse Flash," Cisco answered. "He's back. We have to warn Barry."

Kamilla's eyes widened. "How do you know he's back?" she asked, alarmed. "Is he here?" She took a quick look around the room, but nothing appeared out of the ordinary.

Cisco shook his head. "No," he said, still breathing heavily, "I saw him in the time vault."

At that, every thought rushing through Kamilla's head came skidding to a stop.

"Wait—what?" She blinked and shook her head, trying to understand what he'd just said. How could Cisco possibly know he was in the time vault? That was all the way across town, and he had been with her all night. Unless he meant he had seen him there earlier, but then, why would he only be reacting to that now? It didn't make any sense.

Or maybe it does and I'm still just half-asleep.

"When?" she asked blankly, unable to articulate any of the many, more detailed questions now swirling in her mind.

"Just now—before I woke up," Cisco explained, his voice rising with desperation. "I vibed him planning to run back in time and erase Barry from existence and then kill the rest of us. We have to stop him before it's too late!"

He pushed his hair away from his face with a shaking hand, and Kamilla's own fear faded as everything that he'd just said sank in. Now it was starting to make sense.

"Cisco, that wasn't a vibe," Kamilla explained. "It was just a dream."

But Cisco shook his head. "You don't know that!" he insisted, clearly distressed.

"Yes, I do," Kamilla said patiently. She reached out and touched Cisco's face, gently turning his head to face her. "Babe, you took the metahuman cure, remember? You don't have your powers anymore. It was just a dream."

Cisco blinked, his brow furrowing in confusion. He just stared at Kamilla for a moment, the look in his eyes changing from one emotion to the next as he visibly grew more lucid.

"It…wait. No," he said after a moment. "You're right…it couldn't have been a vibe. And there was no…there was no blue light. Or…or blinking."

Now Kamilla was confused. "Blinking?"

Cisco waved his hand as he tried to come up with the right words to explain it. "It's a thing it does," he said. "It's like everything I'm looking at disappears, and it blinks, and then the vision starts."

When Kamilla continued to look confused, he added in a tired mumble, "It's kinda hard to explain when you just woke up."

Kamilla nodded thoughtfully. Fair enough.

Cisco expelled a long, deep sigh as the tension finally started to bleed out of him. "It really was just a dream," he mused, sounding like he could still just barely believe it.

A palpable sense of relief washed over him, extending to Kamilla and making her start to feel more relaxed as well. She hadn't realized until now just how stressed she had gotten from seeing Cisco so worked up.

After a moment of processing, Cisco sighed. "I'm sorry," he said softly. Then he let out a little self-deprecating laugh. "I thought bringing my work home with me wasn't a problem anymore since I gave up my powers, but it looks like there are some parts of it I still can't turn off."

Kamilla shook her head. "No, it's okay," she said reassuringly, causing him to turn and face her again. "Believe me, for the amount of times you've listened to me rant about rude customers and how disgusting it is to have to clean a public restroom that dozens of drunk people have been in, you're more than entitled to let me return the favor."

Cisco gave her a small smile and nodded slowly. "Thanks," he murmured.

Kamilla just nodded back. It really wasn't a big deal at all.

They fell silent for a moment, Cisco still recuperating from his nightmare and Kamilla giving him the space to do so.

As they sat quietly together, Kamilla noticed Cisco's eyes flicking back and forth, scanning the space in front of him. It looked like he was going over the details of the dream again, or perhaps taking a moment to take in his surroundings to further reorient his mind.

Kamilla pursed her lips pensively as she observed him. She'd had her own share of nightmares in her life, and she knew how deeply unsettling they could be—especially when they were still fresh, and especially in the middle of the night, when the whole world seemed a more sinister and fantastical place, the slightest sounds and the most mundane of shadows wreaking havoc on the imagination. Nevertheless, she couldn't help feeling that there was something more going on here. The thought of the Reverse Flash killing all of Team Flash was frightening, certainly, but he was only one speedster against a team of heroes who had thwarted him multiple times. How had dreaming about him simply planning to kill everyone brought on such a severe reaction?

When it seemed like Cisco was collected enough, Kamilla broke the silence: "So," she began tentatively, "do you wanna talk about it?"

Cisco turned his head toward her again, coming out of his reverie. "About what?" he asked absently.

Kamilla gave him a knowing look. "About why that nightmare had you looking more scared than I've ever seen you—or anyone—look before?"

Cisco did not break eye contact, but nor did he answer right away. His expression changed to one of careful consideration, and he took a deep breath—slowly, drawing it out like he hoped she wouldn't notice.

After a bout of hesitation, he licked his lips and lightly bit down on the lower one. "It's…a lot."

Kamilla gave him a nod. "Okay," she said neutrally. She didn't want him to feel he had to tell her if the thought of doing so made him uncomfortable, but she also wanted him to know that she was ready to listen if he did want to talk about it.

Cisco took another deep breath, but this time he didn't try to disguise it, and he adjusted his position so that he was facing Kamilla straight on as he began his explanation. "There's this thing that speedsters can do—phasing. It's when they rapidly vibrate the cells in their body to the frequency of air, and they're able to pass through solid objects."

Kamilla blinked. This was not the kind of information she had been expecting. But she nodded along anyway, listening attentively.

"Before Barry figured out who the Reverse Flash was," Cisco continued, "I actually found out first. Kind of on accident—I was investigating a trap we'd set for the Reverse Flash to see if the man we thought was Harrison Wells had tampered with it. I was just trying to figure out if they were in cahoots with each other; I wasn't counting on finding out that they were actually the same person." He started to twist his fingers together absently, as he often did when he was anxious. "Well…he must've already been onto me," he said slowly, "because it was only a couple of minutes after I learned the truth that he walked in and explained his plan to me. Then he…he vibrated his hand and phased it through my chest." He shrugged as if the words coming out of his mouth didn't mean anything to him, though the way he held himself showed otherwise. "And then I died."

A chill crept over Kamilla then, raising the hairs on her arms and bringing a sinking feeling to her stomach. He didn't sound like he was talking about a nightmare this time. She didn't understand how it could be possible, but the somberness in Cisco's voice told her that, somehow, his story had to be true.

"When you say you—"

"I mean just that," Cisco asserted, his tone even but his hands starting to shake again. "My heart stopped, my brain shut down, and everything ended."

"O-kay," Kamilla drawled, trying to wrap her head around how that could even work. "So did that…" she shrugged. She had so many questions, and she didn't know how to begin to ask them. "Alright, so like—if he was vibrating his hand fast enough to pass through a solid object, but having his hand in your chest killed you…so, does that mean he caused like an embolism or something, like he basically made his hand into an air pocket? Or was it more like being stabbed, and he had to, like, slow down the part of his hand that was in your chest so it was at a more solid frequency? Or do you even know?"

Noting that Cisco looked even more uneasy now than he had a moment ago, Kamilla quickly waved the matter aside, shaking her head. "I'm sorry—I know I'm asking a lot right now, I'm just trying to make this make sense. You don't have to answer any of that if you don't want to."

"No, it's okay," said Cisco. "I'm—honestly, this isn't the easiest thing for me to talk about, but it's okay. I'll tell you anything you want to know."

Kamilla was more than a little pained at his apparent willingness to dismiss his own feelings. "I really don't need to know any more than you're comfortable telling me," she said sincerely. "Look, if you don't want to—"

But Cisco shook his head. "It's not that," he said. "I'm really fine, it's just…" he trailed off and sighed heavily, running his hand through his hair as he stared off for a little bit, biting his lip. When his gaze returned to Kamilla, he said solemnly, "You're asking questions you might not want to hear the answers to."

Kamilla tried to maintain a neutral expression, but she couldn't help her eyebrows rising as the sinking feeling returned. "And why is that?" she asked carefully.

Cisco opened his mouth to answer, but nothing came out. His eyes were fixed on Kamilla, and though he looked like he wanted to tell her more, the longer he looked at her, the harder it appeared to be for him to say what he was trying to say.

Kamilla shrugged, giving him an encouraging look. "Did it hurt?" she prompted gently.

At that, Cisco nodded. "Yeah," he replied in a small voice. "Yeah, it did. A lot." He inhaled sharply and cleared his throat, regaining hold of his composure. "You see, it didn't just stop my heart instantly," he explained, his voice coming out a little stronger now. "I could actually feel his hand shredding my heart to pieces inside me. And the last thing I can remember is him taking what was left of it and crushing it in his fist."

Kamilla's breath left her in a rush, her eyes wide and jaw hanging open. She unconsciously reached up and held her hand over her own heart, clutching at the fabric of her shirt there as she gaped at him in horror, trying not to imagine what it had looked like or what it had felt like. The thought of Cisco dying was painful enough on its own, but for it to have happened in such a brutal and gruesome way was unthinkable.

What kind of monster would do something like that to Cisco? It was horrible regardless, but the fake Dr. Wells had worked closely with Cisco for years up to that point and he had been his friend and his mentor. How coldhearted did you have to be to know Cisco, and deliberately take his life without a second thought? How could any fellow human being stand in front of someone so sweet and brilliant and all-around wonderful, and still put him through the pain of feeling his heart—

Kamilla shuddered, stopping that thought in its tracks. "I never even knew it was possible to feel pain there," she said softly, her eyes going a little misty.

Cisco let out a sound that resembled a laugh, but lacked any humor. "Neither did I."

Kamilla met his gaze again, and while the sight of him sitting in front of her, safe and very much alive did bring her a little sense of comfort, the biggest piece of the puzzle was still missing, and it was that piece that worried her the most. How was he still alive now? And how much longer would he continue to be? If his heart had been so violently mutilated, did that mean he was living with an artificial one or a transplant now? How could he get on a donor list fast enough to save his life if he had already died?

"How would you even resuscitate someone from something like that?" Kamilla mused aloud.

Cisco shook his head. "You can't. And I wasn't."

Before Kamilla could ask, he answered the next question in her mind: "Luckily, that just happened to be the same day that Barry time traveled for the first time. He was dealing with another meta across town, and he accidentally ran back to the day before. And, thanks to him not knowing how to get back from the past, he changed the events leading up to that moment without even realizing it. He ended up erasing it from history altogether."

Kamilla stared at him incredulously. "You mean the only reason you're alive right now is because we're living in an altered timeline?"

Cisco nodded.

"So, if that timeline had stayed intact, it would've been permanent."

He nodded again.

Kamilla dropped back against the headboard, letting her head turn away from him as she tried to take all that in. Her unfocused eyes darted in every direction, and now and then she moved her mouth as though to speak, but no words came to her.

"It took me a while to remember it," Cisco went on cautiously as Kamilla tried to come to grips with what she'd just heard, "but once my powers started to kick in, it started to come back to me at night, in my dreams. Then I would get flashbacks during the day, any time something happened that reminded me of it. Barry was the one who figured out that I was remembering events from an erased timeline, but none of us knew why until Thawne told me that I was a metahuman."

Kamilla closed her eyes, wincing as understanding hit her. That was why that nightmare had freaked him out so badly—was probably why he'd had the nightmare in the first place. The poor guy had been literally murdered—by someone he'd once trusted and looked up to, no less—and not only did he remember it in excruciating detail, but he'd relived it, over and over again. And the man responsible was still out there somewhere, still plotting to take down the Flash and all his team with him.

She dropped her head into her hands. How had Cisco been living with that this whole time? How was he not a nervous wreck every moment of every day?

Everything was silent now. Cisco had stopped talking, and Kamilla was still reeling, re-examining everything she thought she knew about Cisco and holding it up to the light of what she knew now. Every bright and contagious smile, every sarcastic joke, every raving review of some old movie that she just had to see—he was such a bubbly and easygoing presence most of the time, and despite the nature of his job, he seemed virtually unaffected by all the madness he had seen in the last six years. But was that really the truth? Had he ever been thinking about that other timeline when he had been right beside her? Was there more weighing him down that he'd never told her before? How many times had he been wrestling with his own memories and fears while they were together, and she hadn't even noticed?

After a minute or so that felt like an eternity, Cisco finally spoke up softly: "I told you it was a lot."

Kamilla opened her eyes now, sighing as she lifted her head and looked straight ahead. Directly across from her was the small IKEA bookcase she'd bought when she'd first moved in, and she fixed her eyes on that as she worked to pull herself together before facing Cisco again. Now she was the one who was tense and unsteady; she could feel a surging in her veins that was threatening to surface and take her over, sending tremors through her whole body. But she was determined to get a handle on herself before she could start shaking enough for Cisco to notice. He had been anxious enough about telling her he was Vibe in the first place; the last thing she wanted was for him to think that he was imposing by confiding in her about the scars that that chapter of his life had left him with.

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Cisco watching her quietly—waiting, she supposed, for more of a response.

It was hard to know how to respond. It wasn't every day a girl learned her boyfriend had been straight up murdered and lived to tell the tale.

And he almost hadn't—that was the part that Kamilla was having the hardest time getting past. If Barry had never gone back in time that day, then Kamilla never would have met Cisco. For that matter, he said his powers had kicked in after that, so that meant there would never have been a Vibe, either. There would be no metahuman cure. There might not even still be a Flash. Cicada might still be at large—heck, Cicada might not even be a problem because DeVoe's Enlightenment may have successfully rebooted the minds of everyone on earth. So many lives Vibe had saved—so many lives that Cisco enriched by being a part of them—and it all might never have existed.

"Do you get nightmares like this often?" Kamilla asked unevenly, turning to face him at last. She still wasn't as collected as she would like to be to continue this conversation, but anything was better than dwelling on that train of thought any longer.

Cisco shook his head. "Honestly, this is the first one I've had in a long time," he replied. "Usually they're vibes or memories; not something my mind just made up. And I pretty much only get them when I'm stressed."

Kamilla tried to keep as composed an expression as she could, and she nodded slowly. "And, have you been under a lot of stress lately?" she asked. "Do you think that's what could've caused this?"

Cisco looked a little caught off guard by this question. He bit his lip and glanced upward for a moment, thinking it over before he answered. "I didn't think so," he said finally. "But now that you mention it, this latest run-in with Thawne might have stirred everything up again. And now that I've taken the cure…" He shook his head and shrugged. "I guess it just hit me that if he does come back, the next time I see him, I'll be powerless to stop him."

Kamilla's strong front was getting harder to maintain. She was definitely shaking outwardly now, and she could feel a blooming in her throat and behind her eyes, signaling that she wasn't far from tears.

"I'm not saying I regret my decision," Cisco added, "but just the thought of being in that position again, knowing what's coming and knowing that there's nothing I can do about it…" His eyes took on a reflective and faraway look as his voice faded out. "I mean…even though we're a lot more prepared for him now than we were back then, I'm never gonna be able to forget what that was like, standing there…looking him in the eyes. Seeing him for the first time."

Kamilla could hear the hurt of betrayal in his voice as it grew softer, his words slower.

"Knowing he meant it when he said he saw me as a son." He shrugged, staring off into nothing. "Knowing it didn't matter. And that the only way I was getting out alive was if Barry somehow knew what was happening and came to save me…but I knew he wouldn't. Because he couldn't have known. There was no way out. I didn't have any powers, and Thawne could move faster than I could even think. He was going to kill me. And all I could do was just—" His breath caught and his brow scrunched as he went tense, raising one hand and idly rubbing at his chest, right over his heart.

It took him only a moment to return to himself, blinking and giving a little shake of his head to snap out of it. When it looked like he'd recovered from what had just come over him, his eyes met Kamilla's, and Kamilla wished she hadn't lost control over her face, because he quickly looked down, staring bashfully at the bedspread as he muttered, "Anyways…"

Kamilla swallowed, fighting the urge to cry. Here she had thought it couldn't get any worse, but it had. Thawne hadn't just been Cisco's mentor, he had been his father figure. And he had just disposed of him like he was nothing. He had crushed Cisco's heart in more ways than one.

"Do your friends know about all this?" Kamilla asked, unable to hide the quaver in her voice.

"Not everyone knows in that much detail," Cisco replied, tracing a line of the quilt's stitches with his thumb. "But pretty much everyone knows at least the CliffsNotes version by now." He heaved a sigh and looked up again. "Barry, Caitlin, and Joe helped me through a lucid dream about it that we'd induced so we could figure out exactly what happened in that timeline, so they know the most. Iris was looped in after she joined the team. Ralph's a detective and Cecile's an empath, so keeping it from them wasn't gonna be possible, but they know less about it than everyone else. And most of our past teammates learned about it one way or another. They all at least got a rundown of Thawne and his Wells impersonation when they joined the team," he motioned toward Kamilla, "like I gave you, the other day. I've never really gone in depth about it with anyone other than Barry and Caitlin, though." He blinked, and his mouth twitched, briefly forming something that wasn't quite a smile. "At least, until now."

Exactly how or why that statement was the thing that undid Kamilla, she didn't know. All she knew was that one moment she was listening intently while managing to keep it together, and the next she had tears rolling down her cheeks.

There was no way for Cisco not to notice, as he was looking right at her, and his expression immediately melted, the look in his eyes turning from self-conscious to guilty. "And maybe I shouldn't've."

Kamilla shook her head, blinking furiously and sniffling in an effort to get a hold on herself. It felt so stupid to be the one crying when Cisco was the one baring his soul and revisiting his worst memory—at least she hoped this one was the worst. "I'm not upset that you told me," she said, wiping her tears from her face. "I'm upset that it happened."

She paused and took a deep breath, trying again to reduce the trembling so her voice wouldn't falter when she spoke again. Looking Cisco in the eye, she added insistently, "I want you to be able to tell me this kind of stuff, if that's what you need to do. I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me about what's bothering you." She sniffed, blinking to stave off a heavier wave of tears threatening to surface as her voice gave way. "It just hurts that you had to go through all that. I can't even imagine what you must have been feeling, or what it must be like to have to carry that around with you."

Cisco just kept his gaze on her for a moment, seemingly at a loss for a response. Then with a heavy exhale, he closed his eyes and dropped his head into his hands. He slowly ran both hands through his hair, pushing it back, away from his face. A moment later, he lifted his head again, a contemplative and weary look now in his eyes. "Kamilla…I'm okay." He met her eyes again. "Really. I've been dealing with this for years now—mostly on my own, but I've had a lot of help from my friends, too. And sometimes I have bad days, but…it isn't something that affects me every day. Not anymore."

"Are you sure you're okay?" Kamilla asked, her concern not fading in the slightest. "Because I'm not gonna run for the hills just because you told me something so personal, if that's why you're saying this." As another thought occurred to her, she added, "But I'm also not gonna get upset with you if you feel like you divulged too much too soon. Listen, if you're having regrets about telling me—"

Cisco shook his head. "No, no, of course not," he said quickly. "That's not what I'm saying, it's just—I just want you to know that you don't have to worry about me. I know this is all pretty heavy, and not the easiest stuff to take in, but…I don't want you to think that I'm walking around terrified all the time, or that I can't handle my own problems. I mean…" he gestured aimlessly and gave a little forced laugh. "It's not like I'm expecting you to hold my hand every time I have a bad dream or something."

His smile lingered a little too long, and the restless twisting of his fingers wasn't helping his case any.

Kamilla frowned. There were about a dozen half-formed responses flying swiftly in and out of her head, not one of which could adequately express what she wanted to say.

This was the kind of moment that defined a relationship—whether Cisco realized it or not, Kamilla knew that however she reacted now would affect how he felt about opening up to her later, and it would also determine how much he would be able to do so from then on.

Her mind all of a sudden made up, Kamilla cast all her thoughts of how to reply aside, and without a single word, she reached forward and took each of Cisco's hands in her own.

The fidgeting stopped at once. Cisco stared down at his hands as they stilled, a puzzled look on his face as he took in what was happening. Slowly, hesitantly, he let his hands close around Kamilla's, and then he looked up at her, his eyes filled with an unspoken gratitude and awe.

"I don't know what you are expecting out of this relationship," Kamilla said softly, "but if you don't want me holding your hand, you should probably dump me right now."

The unexpected touch of humor startled a laugh out of Cisco, and for a moment he looked relaxed, almost like he had forgotten to be anxious.

Kamilla gave him a small smile. "But seriously," she said, absently rubbing her thumb across the back of his hand, "I don't need you to hold back and sanitize parts of your life 'cause you don't wanna make me uncomfortable. I mean, I'm not saying this is easy on me, either. It's not." She paused to make sure Cisco wasn't starting to feel guilty again before she continued, letting her own walls down intentionally now. "I can't stop thinking about how scared you must have been, facing him alone like that. And I hate that there's a timeline out there where your life ends there." She shook her head wistfully. "I just wish I could've known, somehow. Like if I'd met you sooner, and if I could've been there to protect you. Honestly, if there was some way for me to go back and prevent it from happening in the first place, believe me, I would."

Cisco squeezed Kamilla's hand just a little bit tighter as he gazed tenderly at her, a sad smile on his face. "There's nothing you could've done," he told her softly. "Even if you had been there. I mean, this is the Reverse Flash we're talking about. It's a good thing you weren't there, because he would've just killed you, too."

Kamilla sighed resignedly. "I know," she conceded. "I know, it's probably pointless to think about it, but it's still how I feel. It's just…you mean so much to me, and it's not fair that you have to remember something so horrible that, as far as our timeline is concerned, didn't even happen. Even if you couldn't remember it, I still hate that it happened at all. I don't want you to have to suffer like that in any timeline, even if it ends up getting erased—and I don't even wanna think about what that one would've been like if it hadn't gotten erased. Like—my life right now was almost completely different. And yours almost didn't get to happen, because you would've been dead, and that would've just sucked for everyone, because you're amazing and brilliant and wonderful, and the world would be missing so much without you in it."

The words just fell out of Kamilla's mouth without thought, and she didn't even realize the weight of saying them out loud until she saw the way Cisco's head perked up.

All of a sudden the room felt a lot smaller, and Kamilla's heart fluttered as everything that she'd just said echoed loudly inside her head. She felt almost embarrassed, but the cautiously hopeful look that Cisco was giving her now anchored her, fortifying her nerve before she could take her words back or try to rationalize them.

Instead, she just inhaled deeply, keeping her composure and the eye contact and not letting her expression waver. She meant what she'd said, and there was no sense in trying to pretend like she didn't. Cisco deserved to know that he was extraordinary and that his life was valued—not to be treated like an expendable pawn in some body-snatching creep's evil plot. He was so much more than Thawne would ever comprehend.

A slow smile had begun to spread across Cisco's face, and he dipped his head shyly as it reached his eyes. He didn't seem to know what to say or how to react; he was just as thrown by Kamilla's spontaneous declaration as she was.

For a long time, neither of them said anything. They just sat there together, their hands still clasped in each other's as everything that had already been said hung in the air between them, charging the silence with a strong sense of intimacy.

Neither of them had gone into this evening expecting that it would lead them here, but now that it had, they both knew there was no going back. Kamilla was never going to be able to see Cisco the same way again after tonight; he was so much more damaged than she had ever realized, and so much stronger. It took a lot of grit to go through something so harrowing, and still be so full of light, and she couldn't help but admire him for it.

Oddly enough, he was still staring down at their hands, too flustered to meet Kamilla's eyes. A little crease of uncertainty began to form over his brow, like he couldn't quite grasp that she really thought that highly of him, and that thought gave Kamilla's heart a twinge.

Letting go with one hand, Kamilla reached up to cradle the back of his head as she leaned forward and lightly pressed her forehead against his. Cisco drew in a shuddery breath, but Kamilla could feel him start to relax a little against the touch, responding to the gentle pressure with his own. It wasn't long after that she felt him take her other hand in both of his now, raising it higher and holding it to his chest in a close embrace.

His heart was beating hard enough that Kamilla could feel the hurried thudding beneath her palm without having to search for it, and each breath that he took carried her hand back and forth, like gentle waves rocking a ship.

After a little while, Cisco's hands shifted in position, one of them sliding under Kamilla's wrist to hold it up, and the other gently grasping her fingers as he brushed his thumb lightly across her knuckles. Slowly, he raised her hand up and placed a tender, lingering kiss on the back of it.

Kamilla closed her eyes, her stomach filling quickly with butterflies at the sensation, and she breathed a contented sigh, savoring the closeness of the moment.

It took them a few minutes before they were ready to pull apart again, but eventually, slowly, they both drew back. Kamilla readjusted faster than Cisco, and she waited patiently as Cisco's eyes slowly came open, unfocused at first, and then lifted to meet hers, unreadable when they did. There were so many different emotions flickering in them that it was difficult to identify a single one. A moment later, his lips parted as though in preparation to speak, but he just stared mutely at her, not even trying to form the words to say whatever was on his mind.

He was overwhelmed, Kamilla realized. And the longer she looked at him, the easier it was to see that he was growing increasingly anxious by the moment.

She couldn't be sure as to why, but it wasn't that hard to guess; revealing such guarded information to someone—especially someone still relatively new in his life—was bound to be at least a little nerve-wracking. Even if he didn't regret talking to her, exactly, letting her in so close was a daring move, and it was perfectly natural for something like that to leave him feeling vulnerable afterward. It would probably take some time and adjustment before he could really get comfortable with her knowing the details of what he had been through. In the meantime, it might be easier for him if she didn't make too big a deal about it.

Smiling a little, Kamilla gave his hair a little tousle before withdrawing her hand again. "Do you think you're ready to go back to sleep yet?" she asked.

Cisco's forehead wrinkled in befuddlement for a second, but it quickly smoothed out again, and he nodded his head. "Yeah," he murmured. "Think I'm ready to try, at least."

Kamilla gave him an obliging nod. "Okay," she said simply.

And with that, she slid back, removing herself from Cisco's space and reestablishing his side of the bed. Once back in her own spot, she moved to switch off her lamp, and then she settled beneath the covers once more, lying on her side and facing away from Cisco to give him the semblance of privacy.

It took Cisco a little while longer to lie down and get settled again, but he did, giving his pillow a light punch and flipping it over before laying his head on it.

Kamilla stared idly into the darkness, pretending to be at rest as she listened for any signs of restlessness or relaxation, wanting to make sure Cisco was able to get to sleep before closing her own eyes.

There were no detectable changes to Cisco's demeanor for quite a while. He didn't shift positions once, and there was no variation in his breathing. Kamilla's eyes had time to adjust to the darkness while she waited, hoping he was comfortable and would start to doze off soon.

"Kamilla?" Cisco said softly.

"Hmm?" Kamilla replied in what she hoped was a casual tone.

She waited for Cisco to say something more, but he was silent. After a moment's deliberation, she rolled over to look at him. "Yes?" she said, more openly attentive now.

Cisco was facing Kamilla, lying on his side, and he waited just a moment more, making sure he had her full attention before speaking.

"Thank you," he said in a hushed, earnest voice. "I know what I do and what I've seen these last few years is a lot to take in. But you've been really cool about everything this whole time, and you're a really good listener."

A small smile spread over Kamilla's face. She didn't really know what to say to that, but Cisco was probably fine with a nonverbal response.

"And I just—" Cisco's voice caught for a second, and he swallowed. "I wasn't expecting you to tell me exactly what I needed to hear," he continued tremulously. "Or to…to make me feel like I'm not the only person that that memory matters to. And like I don't have to hide how bad it really was, or worry about you ever using that against me." His mouth quirked up in half a smile as he blinked repeatedly. "Honestly, I wasn't sure before how this was gonna come out, or how you would react when it did, but now that you have, everything feels…easier. Like, the whole thing. Somehow, it all feels like it's not as heavy as it was before."

A misty look had come to his eyes, but he smiled, and for a moment Kamilla felt like her heart might stop from all the affection emanating from his gaze. He was looking at her in a way no one else ever had before. The unfiltered adoration directed right at her was enough to make her a little self-conscious—but it also made her want him to never stop.

"Thanks for being someone I can count on," Cisco finished in a near whisper.

A feeling of warmth flooded over Kamilla, filling her whole being as understanding set in. She had misread him before. He wasn't feeling anxious about entrusting her with so much. And it wasn't privacy that he wanted.

Pulling herself up just a little, Kamilla eased closer to him, under the cozier section of the covers that had been warmed up by Cisco's natural body heat. Once she was close enough, she leaned in and very gently kissed his cheek, and she could feel the soft brush of his eyelashes against her face as he closed his eyes.

His eyes opened again as she pulled away, and they met each other's eyes and shared a tender smile.

"Any time," Kamilla assured him quietly.

Cisco's eyes brightened, the smile on his face growing even softer. And without a word, he opened his arms, and Kamilla promptly nestled into them, sliding deeper under the covers and resting her head against his chest.

There was a noticeable shift in Cisco's whole body as his arms wrapped around Kamilla, like he finally felt at peace. He just held her close, lightly rubbing his hand along her shoulder, and he sighed contentedly as he pressed even closer to her and began to nuzzle her hair.

Kamilla smiled, reveling in every touch and in the sense of comfort behind them. She would be content to lie like this with him all night.

She was not ready to fall asleep though; she kept her eyes open, knowing that visions of a red-eyed, yellow-hooded reaper bearing down on a younger, more innocent version of her boyfriend were sure to fill her mind the moment she closed them. She didn't want to see Cisco die, scared and in pain, even if it was only her imagination reenacting the moment, untrue to how it had actually happened. If it meant lying awake the rest of the night, that's exactly what she was going to do to avoid facing a scene she knew she could never unsee.

Even as her eyes grew heavy, she continued to fight sleep, wanting only to be present in this moment, in this timeline, where Cisco was alive and they were together, sharing the weight of the knowledge of what almost hadn't been. She could hear his heart still beating beneath her, feel the soft rustle of her hair when he exhaled, and the warmth of his arms encircling her, the intention in his hold telling her that he was still awake, too.

In a way, she almost wished she didn't know; she almost wished he had never told her anything, and she could live her life blissfully unaware that such a dark moment in time had ever occurred. But if he hadn't told her, then he would still be hiding a big part of himself from her, and carrying a load that, in his own words, he had carried mostly on his own, and for such a long time. For all that knowing what he had been through was a burden, not knowing and leaving him to face the nightmares alone would be even worse.

The simple fact was that it never should have happened in the first place. There shouldn't be killers like Thawne in the world, and good people like Cisco shouldn't have to suffer, and things like this just shouldn't happen. But there were, and he had, and it did. It did happen, and it was something Cisco would have to carry with him for the rest of his life. And if Kamilla's knowing about his trauma really made it feel lighter, then she would carry it with him. She would listen to him vent, she would hold his hand, and she would do everything she could to try to make him understand that she was there for him and she wasn't going anywhere. She would give him the safety and stability he needed when the nightmares became too much for him. Because she loved him.