Chase This Light With Me Chapter 37: Is This The End Of Everything?, a harry potter fanfic

Chapter Thirty-Seven - Is This The End Of Everything?

Harry picked up the framed photo of him and his friends, the one Ginny had given to him for his birthday. It wasn't moving like the usual portraits all over the castle. He and his friends were forever frozen in time. The night Ginny had given this to him, he should have kissed her, then maybe they could've had more time together. Time Harry had wasted being hung up on Draco Malfoy, trying to help him when it was clear that Draco didn't want to be helped.

He felt grief and frustration over the loss of his friend rise up in him. Harry guessed he didn't matter enough to Draco for him to fight against the dark side taking him, forcing him to walk a path that he didn't want to walk. Maybe Draco's life didn't matter enough to himself. His fear of what his parents might think of him, preventing them from being disappointed in him was more important to Draco than anything, maybe even his happiness. Harry saw that now, accepted that now, and he wondered briefly what Draco was doing this very moment. Was he happy to be back at Malfoy Manor with his parents, basking in their praise? Was he proudly sitting besides his godfather, with his Dark Lord as a new Death Eater? Or was he sitting besides them all, hiding his fear, hiding his true cowardly self and hoping that Harry and everyone else on the light side would fight this battle for him, to free him?

Harry pushed away those thoughts. Draco would have to help himself out now. And him and Ginny, well time had run out for them. Harry's heart ached with regret, it ached so fiercely with what he planned on doing, planned on saying to Ginny.

Dumbledore had left Harry with a job to do, and he couldn't put Ginny in such a dangerous position. If something were to happen to her, Harry would never forgive himself. Ginny, so fierce and brave and beautiful, she would want to go with him. If he told her the truth, there was a very high chance that she would get her way. Harry knew Ginny could very well look after herself, growing up with six brothers, it was expected. But Harry couldn't tell her the truth, Dumbledore had only allowed him to tell Ron and Hermione. And the only solution to all of this, was to break Ginny's heart. He had to break up with her, it was the only way to keep her safe. Then maybe when all of this was over, maybe if Ginny would still want him, maybe if Harry was lucky enough to see the end of this war, then they could start again.

Harry pulled his eyes away from the photo, numbly looking around his room that didn't much feel like his anymore. He felt so emotionally wrecked from everything that happened last night. He found himself shutting down again with Remus, with the Weasleys, with McGonagall and Hagrid, any adult that kept asking Harry how he was doing.

Remus had told Harry to pack up, that meant Harry wasn't ever going to see this room again. Throughout the year, Severus' quarters, this bedroom, had become home to Harry, his first real home… Then they found Remus' cabin, a second home, a true, permanent home that wasn't a part of Hogwarts. Harry's heart squeezed with grief, wondering if he'd lost that home as well, if he would ever be able to step foot inside it again.

And Harry knew he should feel more than just a numb, painful squeeze of his heart, knew he should be feeling something more stronger…

He really did love this room. It was the very first bedroom that wasn't his dormitory that he could call his own. The first real thing Severus had ever given him, even when they had hated each other. Severus gave Harry this room. There weren't many personal things left in here, most of his stuff was all in his dormitory up in Gryffindor tower… But this room… The things inside it… The furniture… His bed with his burgundy comforter… Even the clothes that were in the closet… It was all given to him by Severus, and now it didn't belong to Harry anymore… It belonged to a boy that had once wished he were dead, once closed himself off from trusting adults ever again. A boy who had sought comfort from a blade to his skin. A boy who had been lost and then found by the version of Severus Snape that had become his father. Because even though Harry had not known it at the time, that boy he once was…all he needed was a parent to teach him how to trust again, a parent to pull him out of his own darkness… A boy that was brought back to life, but now, Harry did not feel like that boy anymore. He wasn't even sure how to feel anymore. He just felt numb. Numb to everything, to an ending of this chapter in his life where he had Severus Snape as a father.

It was like a fever dream and his heart just ached… It ached where trust had once been inside of Harry, blooming delicately after it had been broken by adults that were supposed to care for him so many times, like fresh green stalks of grass sprouting out from melting snow. And what had happened last night, Severus' betrayal, it was like an icy snowstorm, freezing and killing those precious sprouts, leaving nothing but this horrible icy, achy numbness inside of him.

Harry knew he still had Remus, that not all was lost, that he was no longer completely alone as he had once felt. But the task Dumbledore had set Harry on, Remus couldn't go with him. Harry was on his own now. It was time to take part in this war and face the prophecy.

He reached inside his pocket and took out the locket he had found on the grass besides Dumbledore's fallen body. Harry hadn't had a chance to look at it until now. The thing that Dumbledore had fought so hard to take, had weakened himself for. Slytherin's locket… Horcruxes… Harry's head spun with everything Dumbledore had taught him. With his heart now racing, he examined the locket. It was heavy, golden and ugly with a giant snake that was arranged into an S on it. Harry wondered if this ugly thing was really a Horcrux. He didn't feel anything coming off of it, anything that revealed it to be more than just an ugly piece of jewelry. It just looked like a piece of junk, really.

Harry opened the locket, immediately finding a note inside of it. With his heart racing even more, this time with anticipation, Harry unfolded the note and read…

To the Dark Lord

I know I will be dead long before you read this but I want you to know that it was I who discovered your secret. I have stolen the real Horcrux and intend to destroy it as soon as I can. I face death in the hope that when you meet your match, you will be mortal once more.

R.A.B.

Harry's racing heart stopped beating and he felt it plummet into his stomach with disappointment as he read it over and over again with disbelief. This locket was a fake! That meant his whole journey with Dumbledore to get this had all been for nothing! The pain Dumbledore had gone through to get the locket out of the basin, drinking that horrible potion, and Harry being dragged into the inferi-infested lake, it had all been for this fake locket!

And Dumbledore, he'd been so weak, too weak to defend himself against the Death Eaters…against…

All for this piece of junk!

But who was R.A.B? Harry searched his memory for anything, coming up with nothing, and he figured he should tell Ron and Hermione about this when he had the chance. Perhaps they may have an idea who R.A.B was.

Harry sighed out with frustration. It was just another thing to search for now. He closed the locket with a snap, shoving it back into his pocket, then pressed his hands to his face, feeling overwhelmed by the enormity of his task and all of the unknown parts to it. He could feel himself shaking. The need to cut was starting to emerge deep inside, but it wasn't out of fear. Not anymore. It was just for the heavy weight of what he had to do alone, and not knowing where to start. He didn't have Severus by his side anymore…the love he had felt for his dad… It was so messed up, after everything that happened, Harry still loved him, but it was distorted with anger, distorted with betrayal, frozen with grief, leaving him aching and numb, but it was still there. That was the worst part about all of this. Harry still loved his dad, missed him deeply, even if he wasn't sure if that version of Severus Snape had ever existed. It just left Harry with the feeling of overwhelming grief, as if his dad had died.

In the darkness of his closed eyes, Harry couldn't help but recall the sheer relief that he'd felt for a short moment when Severus had arrived at the tower, the plea in Severus' glittering dark eyes for Harry to remain silent, to stay hidden, to trust him. The very last memory he had of his dad. And in that moment, Harry had trusted his dad completely.

Then he remembered the way the Death Eaters had quieted down when Severus had revealed himself to them. The way Harry's heart was pounding so loudly against his chest that he feared he may be found by Greyback's sensitive werewolf hearing. That fear becoming greater as he watched Severus raise his wand at Dumbledore, who pleaded Severus' name.

Avada Kedavra! Harry never thought he would hear that spell come out of his dad's mouth so coldly and detached.

Green light, that was all Harry was able to see. He was paralyzed. The green light glowed from behind his eye-lids, feeling his breath hitch from the panic that he had felt under the floorboards, hidden…the fear…the disbelief and confusion, the agony in realizing he'd been betrayed. Remus had been betrayed… Dumbledore had been betrayed…and he was falling…falling…falling….

In that moment, the Severus Harry called dad had died along with Albus Dumbledore. He felt tears start to well up at the thought, and felt the surge of grief rushing through him. Harry pressed his palms into his eye sockets until spots of light began to bloom from behind his eyelids. He wasn't going to let himself cry anymore for Severus Snape. It was time to grow up now. It was time to be strong. It was time for him to face his destiny by completing the mission and ending this war. He couldn't lose his sanity. There was no room for that in his plan. No more tears. No more cutting… Freezing away the grief of what he had lost, until Harry could imagine his brick wall strong and sturdy once more, this time it was frozen over with ice.

"Harry?"

Remus' voice caused Harry to move his hands away from his face. He inwardly pulled himself together, then straightened his glasses and ran a hand through his hair. Pulling his face into a neutral expression as Remus opened the door.

"Are you ready?" Remus asked.

Harry fixed his gaze on Remus. His papa was looking every bit as emotionally exhausted as Harry was feeling himself, and he wondered if Remus had managed any sleep last night. Harry doubted it, noting the dark circles underneath Remus' eyes, his pale face that caused the thin scars on his face to stand out more than usual.

"Yeah, I think so…" Harry muttered, looking down at the picture frame in his hand. "I'm just taking this."

Remus frowned, "Are you sure?"

Harry could only nod once, not meeting Remus' gaze, but he could feel the concern coming off of him in waves, feeling the sense that Remus had more to say, but he didn't and Harry was glad of it. He just didn't feel like talking right now.

"Alright, cub, let's get out of here. I'm sure we can find some early lunch in the kitchens."

And that was where they ended up, sharing a self-refilling platter of sandwiches between them, in courtesy of the house-elves.

As he tried his best to eat, not really feeling hungry, Harry knew he had to tell Remus about the meeting he had with McGonagall and the heads of houses last night…

The new headmistress of Hogwarts had just stressed to Harry that Remus wasn't a documented or official guardian, even if Harry considered him as the closest thing to a parent. And Remus being a werewolf, it didn't help the situation at all, it only made it worse. Her hands were tied, she couldn't allow Harry to go with Remus during the summer nor with the Weasleys, at least not right away.

And in that moment, sitting in that office, clouded with shock and exhaustion, Harry already knew what McGonagall couldn't bring herself to say.

Severus hadn't left anything behind to ensure Harry's safety from the Dursleys, and that had hurt worse of all. Severus always made sure to promise Harry over and over that he would never have to go back to Privet Drive, yet here Harry was, sitting in this chair, hearing the news that he had to go back, there was no other choice. Broken promises paired with betrayal and broken trust. Had Severus meant for this to happen? Meant to betray Harry in the worst possible way and then ship him back to his abusers?

That look Harry would find in Severus' eyes, the very reason why Harry had such a hard time trusting Severus during the early months of the school year, had it been this betrayal all along? And Harry felt anger rise up in him at the thought, remembering all those times Harry would see it, thinking Severus was hiding something, but then had chosen to ignore it under Severus' persistence to trust him, that their relationship could never work if Harry didn't try to trust him. But it was that look shining in Severus' eyes, giving Harry the feeling that he was hiding something, maybe it was just the real Severus Snape that had been showing through, the one planning on betraying Harry. And he felt like such an idiot for allowing Severus to get into his head, for believing in Severus, so desperate for a parent to love and trust, had chosen to ignore it. He let down his guard, allowed his walls to be taken down, only to get hit back by Severus a thousand times worse.

Their meeting had then been interrupted by an official looking owl flying in through the window of the circular window, dropping a scroll of parchment on Dumbledore's desk, then it flew back out, leaving no chance for them to reply back if needed to.

Everyone in that room grew silent as McGonagall opened the scroll and began to read its contents.

"Well, that just decides it then…" McGonagall's voice was full of regret and guilt as she handed Harry the scroll.

It was a letter from the Wizarding Department of Child Protective Services. Severus had transferred the Dursley's guardian rights to himself, but now that he was out of the picture, now that he was deemed a traitor and was now one of the most wanted Death Eaters, the contract was nullified, leaving two choices, either Harry goes into foster care during the summer or he goes back to the Dursleys.

Harry felt his chin wobble as he read it, remembering the night Severus had first shown him the papers of guardian transfer, asking Harry if it was okay if he sent them to the department, making Severus an official parent to Harry. It had all seemed so real that night of Severus loving Harry enough to want to become a parent to him. Harry felt like he was going mental, how could that have been an act? How could that have been Severus pretending? The way Severus had been so sincere, so happy, so excited when Harry agreed, and when the certificate stating them as an official family arrived days later, the hug Severus had given Harry…

"Kid, this has already been your home since you've first set foot in here...and it always will be."

"And you won't leave, right?"

"No matter what I do or what happens in the future with this war going on, just know that I'll always love you. I'll always be there for you. Do not forget this, I promise to you, that nothing will change the fact that you're my son and I your father, and there's nothing I wouldn't do for you."

That moment, that certificate, it didn't mean anything anymore. Harry wondered if what Severus had promised to him that day was real as well. No matter what… No matter what… Had Severus been talking about this? Harry didn't know what to make of it, wasn't sure if he should take those promises to heart. He just didn't know anymore, and he could feel McGonagall watching him. He forced himself to stay calm, not allowing himself to lose himself in his panic and hurt. This moment couldn't be real. Like one of his nightmares had come to life, and it was real, Merlin, it was real!

"How did they know so soon?" Harry forced himself to ask.

"I'm so sorry, Potter," McGonagall replied. "I'll leave this decision up to you, although I'll hate to see you get lost in the foster system, something Albus had always fought so hard to prevent, but you having to go back to your relatives may be just as worse."

"And somehow, Dumbledore still saw them as the better option," Harry said.

And sitting there in that circular office, in that chair, thinking of all the evenings he spent up here with Dumbledore, seeing the memories, learning about Tom Riddle and Horcruxes, it reminded Harry of what was important.

Horcruxes… To finish what they started, what Dumbledore had been working on all year.

Harry could bare a few more miserable weeks at Privet Drive…and Harry began to understand why Dumbledore had placed Harry in the Dursleys' care all those years ago, knowing it may not be the safest nor happiest and nurturing place for Harry, but it was the only place that could keep Harry alive, keep him and his relatives safe and hidden from Voldemort and the Death Eaters. The wards… He had to go back and reactivate the wards to keep the Dursleys protected, to keep himself protected. It was what his mom had died for. Harry couldn't let her last act of love for him go to waste. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he let that last year of protection fade out, especially with the war practically at their doorsteps now. He couldn't put the Dursleys in danger like that. He could not be responsible for their deaths.

He had to do this, Harry had to, and he was ready. He was stronger than before and he wouldn't let himself fall victim to the Dursleys' abuse this time. Then once his time there was up, he would leave Privet Drive to start his journey on searching for the remaining Horcruxes. He wasn't going back to Hogwarts anymore. Feeling the grief of that realization, the sting of his childhood officially ending, and with shaking hands, Harry handed McGonagall the scroll. He couldn't bear to look at the evidence of what he had lost tonight.

"I'm going back to Privet Drive," Harry bravely said.

"Just please, take care, Potter, and we'll have Order members stationed outside every hour. Just in case something happens."

Pulling himself back to the present, Harry watched as Remus ate, preparing with what he was going to say. He knew it was going to take a lot of convincing for Remus to understand his decision, that Remus might even forbid Harry from going back to Privet Drive, but Harry wasn't backing down. Remus was going to have to allow Harry his decision whether he liked it or not.

"Remus," Harry finally managed to say. His eyes then traveled down to his plate, realizing he had picked apart his sandwich while lost in his anxiety-filled thoughts. He put it down, wiping his hands with a napkin.

Remus fixed Harry with his concerned hazel eyes. Harry guessed Remus had noticed him lost in his thoughts and was waiting for him to come out from his frozen wall, to say something, realizing he'd barely spoken a word since they left Severus' quarters.

"I have to tell you about the meeting with McGonagall last night."

Remus put down the sandwich that was currently in his hands, wiping them down with a napkin. "I've been meaning to ask you about that… I just didn't want to push you, a lot has happened."

Harry could only nod to that, he suddenly felt himself closing up. Those hazel eyes that watched him with quiet concern, that voice full of patience and understanding, it reminded Harry of Severus, and he found himself inwardly backing away. The chilly frost from inside freezing him up until he couldn't remember the words he had planned to say.

"Go on, cub, you can still trust me, remind yourself of that. You still have me no matter what he has done…"

Harry took a breath as Remus reached out, covering his hand with his own. A firm, tight grip that grounded Harry, allowing him to step out again and talk, but he still felt very cold inside as he told Remus about the possibility of the school closing, how during the meeting they were interrupted by the Wizarding Department of Child Protective Services, informing them of the nullified guardianship between Severus and Harry.

Harry felt Remus squeeze his hand when he realized what that meant.

"No," Remus shook his head with horror. "No, you're not going back there!"

"I have to! And even without them forcing me to choose between the Dursleys and foster care, I would've chosen to go back to them anyway! They are still family, even after everything they've done! They still need to be protected by the wards."

Remus only shook his head. "Harry, no, there's other ways to protect them! You don't have to sacrifice your safety for them! I'm not allowing you to do that. You're staying with me. I don't care what the Ministry says about it, you're coming back to the cabin with me!"

"Going back to the cabin is just as bad as staying at the Dursleys! Severus knows where it is, he can find us! Besides, I don't even think I can step foot in it without remembering…"

Remus sighed at that, squeezing Harry's hand again to show him that he understood what Harry couldn't bring himself to finish saying.

"To tell you the truth, I am not surprised at all. I thought you might come to this decision." Remus' voice was full of defeat. "But it doesn't mean that I have to approve of your reasons, as noble as they may be. I'm worried for you, Harry, going back there, it's not safe for you. They've hurt you in the worst possible way! Think of all the hard work you've put into yourself in overcoming the trauma they've done to you. What if it all comes back? What if you relapse?"

"I won't," Harry pleaded. "I can't afford to lose my head. We have a war to fight."

"You're very brave, cub, way braver than I could ever be. I think Dumbledore would have been proud of you."

Harry looked down to Remus' hand still over his, unable to look his papa in the eye as he asked softly, his heart aching, "If Severus never betrayed us… Remus, if he would have been lost to us in a different way… If we still had him in some way… Would he have felt the same way as you or would he be proud like Dumbledore or think I'm insane for going back to Privet Drive? Would he have allowed it to happen?"

It took a while for Remus to answer Harry, as if he had thought very carefully before answering. His voice was filled with sorrow and pain as he finally said, "I would like to think that Severus would think you're very much insane for doing this, probably shout himself hoarse over this before accepting that you are no longer a child, you're a young adult who is allowed to make their own decisions… Then he would accept it and in the end he would be very worried for you, perhaps even a bit proud that you conquered your fears. He would probably say you are very much like your mother, putting others first, doing what is right. I would probably argue with him that you get that from James."

Harry scoffed at that. "He would hate this."

"He would be worried for you."

"Do you think there's a chance…"

"That he may still be undercover?"

Harry nodded… Severus' promises echoing in his head…

Looking back, Severus always made that sort of promise, to remember that he loved him no matter what.

Just before Harry had left with Dumbledore... "I love you, kid, no matter what."

No matter what...

And Harry, he had to hold on to that… It was a bit of hope in a cloud of uncertainty, a chink of hope in his frozen wall.

"I want to believe that, Harry, Merlin I do…but…"

"He killed Dumbledore…" Harry choked out.

"I didn't see him last night," Remus added, pulling his hand away.

"Neither did I…"

"Harry, are you sure you want to do this? I don't care if they see me as an unfit guardian to you. I will fight with everything I have to have you stay with me this summer."

"I'm sure."

Remus sighed with defeat. "Okay, okay…"

Harry watched Remus as he ran his hands through his graying hair, rubbing his hands over his face, trying to accept Harry's decision, trying to recompose himself.

And then Remus spoke again, "You know it's really difficult being a werewolf and I've grown used to the hardships, it's all I know. In a way I've been humbled by it. I've accepted this as my life…but there are times where being one makes me so angry. This is one of those moments. I'm sorry, cub, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I had a feeling this may happen, that the guardian contract between you and Severus would be canceled out, but with everything that's happened, I was hoping it would be overlooked… Severus used to beg me to take you if anything were to happen, he was so sure of it… I told him it was foolish for him to rely on a werewolf ever gaining custody over you, but he wouldn't back down. That was always his one request, for me to take care of you…"

"It sounds like he knew," Harry said with confusion.

"I know," Remus said. "But how long did he know? How long was he planning this?"

And Harry couldn't answer that, it hurt too much to even think about it.

"Cub," Remus said, peering at him with a solemn expression. His hazel eyes catching Harry's and holding them. "You going back to the Dursleys, me being barred from taking you in because of what I am, it doesn't mean that I won't ever stop fighting for you. I know you've made your decision, I know it's final and I can not change your mind, but I am not letting you go without protection."

Remus gently picked up the framed photo of his friends that Harry had placed on the table earlier.

"I know you can take care of yourself, but I just want you to be safe. I'm going to make sure Privet Drive will be guarded at all times, and I'm going to be there. I'm going to be out there for you. So if anything happens, I don't care how much you want to protect them, if that muggle touches you, get yourself out. Do you promise me, Harry?"

"I promise."

"Portus."

The picture frame glowed blue for a quick second, then Remus handed it back to Harry.

"Keep this close with you at all times. If anything happens, all you have to do is touch it and say The Burrow. It will take you straight there, promise me you'll hold on to it, that you'll use it."

"I promise," Harry said again, tucking it away into his pocket for safe-keeping.

"And one more thing, I know you and Dumbledore were out of the castle before everything happened last night. Care to tell me why? He left you with something to do, didn't he?"

Harry didn't know what to say to that, but he knew Remus questioning him would arrive eventually. McGonagall had already questioned him about it, and just like with her, Harry remained silent about it. Dumbledore had stressed over to Harry time and time again how important it was to keep everything between them a secret, even with Remus, and it hurt to keep it from his papa, but Harry had no choice.

Harry only shook his head, not speaking, allowing himself to shut down again, hiding behind his frozen wall, in only to stop Remus from searching for answers Harry couldn't give him.

Remus spent the next few days hiding in his quarters when he wasn't needed. He found that he couldn't stand to be around others anymore, it was so hard and exhausting to put up a front that he was okay, besides the fact that they were all dealing with Dumbledore's death and Severus' betrayal. He just couldn't show how deeply Severus' betrayal struck him. They didn't know, they didn't know how much Severus had meant to Remus, what he was for him, only Harry and Tonks knew, but Remus hid it even from them, he didn't want to burden Harry like that, and Tonks, they hadn't spoken since their falling out.

Remus had found himself sitting in front of the hearth in his living room most of the time. It was now too warm in the castle to light a fire, which was fine, he preferred sitting in the dark. The curtains all pulled shut. Just him in the dark, no sounds, no one around to pretend that he was okay for. Just him and the darkness and the solitude and quiet. He'd even destroyed the clock on the mantel when the ticking had grown to be an annoyance. Now he used the bits of light glowing from the curtains to determine time, but who needed time, really?

He had given up on sleep, it just wouldn't come to him. His mind wouldn't give him any peace. And every night, he would just move back to his spot in front of the hearth, in a trance. His mind rewinding through every memory he had of Severus, trying to find every single sign, every single moment where that stranger had shown through. But he couldn't find anything, just that look in his eyes that he was hiding something, where Remus had figured it was just something going on between Severus and Dumbledore that he couldn't speak about. There had always been secrets, secrets Remus thought that had to be for the war, but maybe it wasn't, maybe it was much more than that, maybe it was the secret of what Severus was planning to do.

And going through his memories, Remus found only his Severus, nothing of that stranger. He found moments when Severus would look at him and Harry with so much love and happiness that was always tainted with sorrow, as if he'd known all along what was going to happen, that their family had an ending. An ending he couldn't stop from happening. And the things Severus would say echoed in Remus' head, even before he and Severus had gotten together, how Severus would always make Remus promise to take Harry, to protect him if anything should happen to him. Severus always made it sound like he was going to one day have to leave them, or that something would happen to him. That no matter what, he would always love Harry as his son, always love Remus. These details Remus found, it didn't soothe his mind, only confused him. How could Severus have faked all of that?

Maybe, Harry was right to question Severus' betrayal? It was just so sudden and unexpected, without any sign of him being a traitor and a murderer. Would if this whole thing had been only for him to keep his cover? Was his betrayal real? But he killed Dumbledore. Remus might have believed Severus' innocence if it wasn't for that, because was saving his cover really worth Dumbledore's life?

Remus tried so hard to figure out any possible answer to his questions. He spent the nights going over them in his head, playing through his memories over and over and over, searching and searching until his heart ached, until his head ached. But every morning when the sun would rise, its light peaking through the curtains, Remus never had any answers, still trapped in his endless loop of memories and unanswered questions. He just felt so hollow and lost, like he was going mad. The first morning that had happened, Remus had shakily pulled himself up from the floor to make a cup of coffee that might take away his headache at least, but he ended up staring at the steaming black coffee he poured into his mug. It brought back memories of Severus drinking coffee and the way that the scent of it would cling onto him, and suddenly Remus couldn't bear to look at it anymore let alone drink it. He threw the mug into the sink, causing it to shatter from the impact as he dry-heaved his hurt and pain over the sink. And when it was over he wanted a drink, he needed a drink, but he pushed the urge away.

And Harry, Remus was so wracked with guilt over what Harry was planning on doing. It tortured him. There was a voice in his head that took over in the form of Severus' voice, telling Remus that he was a coward for allowing such a thing to happen. He was a fool for falling in love with a Death Eater, for failing to see the murderer hiding in those dark eyes. Remus guessed it could only take a monster to love another monster.

As agonizing and slowly those days passed, suddenly Remus found himself standing amongst the other professors out on the grounds by the Black Lake, his eyes squinting from the bright sunlight that he wasn't used to. All end of the year exams were canceled and the school was closing early which was no surprise to anyone. Today was Dumbledore's funeral, then after the service was done, the students had about an hour to finish packing up their belongings and board the Hogwarts Express back to London.

Half-listening to important witches and wizards drone on and on about how great Dumbledore suddenly was to them, Remus found Harry near a crowd of Gryffindors, with his friends. The few times Remus had braved an outing outside of his quarters to see how Harry was faring, Harry was always so distant and quiet like he used to be before they had reconnected. Remus knew it wasn't only because of the pain of Severus' betrayal and having to go back to Privet Drive, it was because of something with Dumbledore. Minerva had told Remus that Dumbledore left a task for Harry to do, and Remus wished he knew what it was, wished there was some way he could help Harry through it so he wouldn't have to do it alone, but Harry stubbornly kept himself at a distance from him, another consequence to Severus' betrayal, and all Remus could hope for was that at least Ron and Hermione might know what it was and stick by him.

When the funeral was over, Remus hugged Harry close to him before he boarded the train, then clasped Hermione's and Ron's shoulders with affection. It wasn't a goodbye yet, Remus had to finish packing up his quarters and office before Apparating to King's Cross. He wanted to make sure Harry got to the Dursley's safely. After that, he had to check out a room at some dingy hotel that was closest to Privet Drive. Remus was planning on watching the house as much as he could, using his werewolf hearing for any sign of violence going on inside. He'd even raided Severus' potion store on all the Wolfsbane he could take with him. He was surprised to find loads of it in crates on Severus' desk, as if it were purposely left there. He was planning on doing his changes in the hotel as well, and that could only happen if it was under the safety of the Wolfsbane.

Once everything was packed up, Remus sent everything that he wasn't taking, to the cabin, sending it all through the floo network. He barely stepped inside, only a step or two to push everything through the green flames in the hearth. The cabin wasn't safe anymore, at least not until Remus casted new wards. Severus knew about the cabin, he knew where it was, there was a high chance of him going there if he'd ever needed to find Remus or Harry. Remus knew he should take the chance to do it now, even if they wouldn't be as strong without Dumbledore's help like the last time, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Maybe, a part of him was hoping for Severus to appear at the cabin, a part of himself was hoping that it would be his Severus, and Remus knew he was a fool for hanging onto that bit of hope, but he couldn't help it. Underneath all of his anger and hurt and frustration that Severus' betrayal had caused him and Harry, Remus missed Severus. Merlin, he missed Severus so damn much. He'd been walking around with a huge chunk of his heart missing ever since that night, the part that held Severus. There were times during the days that passed since, where Remus would find himself wanting to speak to Severus, then he would remember everything, leaving him to feel so very lost, wishing that he had never woken up that night, that he stayed sleeping in Severus' arms forever.

After everything was sent through the fireplace, Remus took away the floo connection linking his office to the cabin. He wasn't sure if he was coming back for the next school year, if there would even be anything to come back to at all.

Then after looking around his empty quarters one last time, he went to his office to retrieve his rucksack that was packed with only essentials and his guitar, not sparing a glance at the giant windowsill ledge where he'd spent so many evenings and nights thinking of Severus. Where they had one of their first kisses, talking about the thing that had grown between them like a fiery passion that had been lit but was now smothered into darkness, nothing but a smoking charred wick on a candle. Remus swallowed, his eyes burning a bit as he left the office, not looking back.

"You don't have to do this," Remus said with vain hope in convincing Harry to not return to Privet Drive one last time. "It's not too late."

He had waited just outside the barrier with Arthur and Molly, Remus had looked around to see that the Dursleys had yet to arrive, and when Harry along with his friends finally came through the magical gateway, Remus greeted his cub with a relieved hug to see him again, he then knelt down to Harry's eye-level, peering into those green eyes behind round glasses.

"We can figure something out," Remus pleaded.

Harry frowned, "There's no changing my mind. I have to keep them safe."

"Them being in danger from Voldemort, isn't your fault, it's not your responsibility to keep them safe from him."

And Harry didn't say anything to do that, because that was exactly what he was feeling inside, Remus was sure of it.

"So stubborn," Remus sighed. "Lily, James and Sirius would be so proud of you, you know that cub, right? Just like how I'm so very proud of you. And if you change your mind about this, it wouldn't change a thing."

"I know," Harry said softly.

Remus searched Harry's face, not missing the bit of fear hidden behind the brave front he was wearing. He held Harry by the upper arms, giving him a squeeze of affection and a signal to listen to what he had to say… "Cub, I'm going to be out there as much as I can. Just know that, if anything happens, if you can't hack it in there any longer, just say the word and I'll go in there and pull you out myself. Do you understand?"

Harry only nodded.

"Do you still have the portkey?"

"Yeah," Harry said.

"Good, remember, keep that with you at all times along with your invisibility cloak. Please, be safe, cub."

Harry only nodded again.

"Cub…" Remus pleaded, he wanted more from Harry than just nods and yeses.

"I'll be okay, papa," Harry finally said softly, his eyes traveling from Remus' face to something over his shoulder. The small bit of fear Remus had seen in him suddenly growing. Their scent reached Remus' nose and he flared his nostrils, suppressing a growl underneath his breath. The Dursleys had arrived.

Remus squeezed Harry's arms again, trying to get back his attention. "Cub, look at me."

With a bit of more coaxing, Harry's attention was back on Remus. "You don't have to do this," he said again.

"I know."

"I just don't want you to get hurt."

"I can take care of myself when I'm with them, I did it for sixteen years. What's another month or so?"

"Harry," Remus could only choke out from the meaning behind that.

"I'm going to be okay, I'm not going to allow myself to become a mess like before. I won't cut myself when things get too hard, and I know how to stay out of their way."

"I know, I trust you, just not them," Remus said, suddenly catching Petunia's eye as he turned his head towards the Dursleys for a second. He guessed his eyes were flecked with gold, because Petunia glared at him after taking an uncertain step back.

"I think it's going to be a bit different," Harry said. "I think this time I'll have Dudley and Aunt Petunia on my side. Remember, Dudley sent me that tea bag for Christmas? And Aunt Petunia, she was the one who wrote to Dumbledore about me, she's the reason why Sev…why he came to get me… And before we left, she told me I'll always have a place at Privet Drive. I'm not expecting much, but I think she might at least keep Uncle Vernon off my back… It's just until I turn seventeen, Remus. Don't worry, please… Just let me do this."

Remus sighed with defeat, his heart breaking. "There's no changing your mind I see, my stubborn cub, just like Lily."

"I'm doing it for her too."

"And she would understand if you didn't, you don't have to keep them safe, especially after what they did to you. Your mother would understand. Remember, how I said we would all be very proud of you still?"

"Remus!" Harry said with frustration.

"Harry," Remus said back with equal frustration, panicking that he was losing his cub.

"Get a move on, boy!" Uncle Vernon suddenly barked from a distance behind Remus.

Remus turned and snapped back, barely looking at the muggle, "Give us a moment!" He then turned back to Harry. "You're not alone, okay, remember that. We still have each other. I'm still your papa and you're still my cub."

Harry nodded and Remus pulled him into a tight hug, whispering to him, "I love you so much, my son, please be safe."

"I love you too, papa," Harry whispered, hugging him back.

They then pulled apart and Remus stood back up on his feet, meeting Harry's eyes once more, seeing the fear, sorrow and resolution to do what he had to do swirling together in those green depths. And he knew Harry was seeing the agony and worry in Remus' own gold-flecked hazel eyes.

"I'll walk with you to the car," Remus said with defeat, taking Harry's trunk with Hedwig's cage strapped to the top.

And after a bunch of hugs for Harry from the Weasleys and Hermione, along with some of the Order members that were there to guard, they walked over to the Dursleys. Remus had to hold back as Vernon Dursley gave Remus an ugly, mean glare. He was glad his hands were full with Harry's luggage, then the walrus-sized muggle might've found himself on the other end of Remus' wand, or better yet, on the other side of a good punch to the nose. Petunia and Dudley, who was hiding behind his mom; casted uncertain looks at Remus, but none of them said anything, not even a greeting to Harry after not seeing him for a year.

Remus wondered how he looked to them as they began to walk to the car together; Harry staying close to his side. Remus knew how to blend in well to the muggle world. He was wearing jeans and a t-shirt and flannel, something he was regretting under the early summer heat. The only thing that was out of the ordinary, causing passing stares and whispers was Hedwig.

Once they got to the car, Harry and Remus hugged once more, this time holding each other a little bit longer before pulling away. Remus could feel Harry shaking. It was so hard to let him go and watch him get into the back seat and strap himself in. Remus handed him Hedwig's cage, where Harry settled her onto his lap after Petunia snapped at him to keep it off the leather seats with a crinkle of her nose, showing her disgust for Hedwig. The snowy-white owl was quiet, watching her surroundings with her big yellow-eyes as if she was trying to be as good and quiet as possible for her owner.

"Remember what I told you, cub," Remus said, before closing the door on him. "I love you."

"I love you too," Harry whispered.

Harry's eyes were as wide as Hedwig's as he looked at Remus, and Remus knew he was scared but was just trying to be brave. It broke Remus' heart and he hated himself so much that he was allowing this, but this is what Harry wanted…and it would only be for a couple of months… Remus tried to repeat that to himself over and over, but his heart still broke.

Remus closed the door. The door of the trunk slammed shut as well. During their last set of goodbyes, Dursley had been securing Harry's trunk in the back of the car.

"Wait one second, Dursley," Remus growled, stopping the muggle from entering the driver's side.

Dursley glared at him with his beady eyes. "You're not bloody coming with us, and I'm not giving you no lift to anywhere, if that's what you're after!"

"You shouldn't need to worry about that," Remus said through gritted teeth, then stepped into Dursley's personal space so fast, the muggle hadn't a chance to step back.

"If you touch one hair on that boy's head, nothing is stopping me from storming into your house and doing the exact same thing to you that you're doing to him! You got that, Dursley?" Remus threatened.

"What's it to you," Dursley gasped out. "Who the bloody hell even are you? You look ruddy homeless. I could snap you in half like a bloody twig if I really wanted to!"

Remus glared at him, baring his suddenly sharper teeth, allowing the wolf to reach his surface, just enough so Dursley could see its shadow and scare the wretched muggle.

It worked, to Remus' satisfaction, Dursley suddenly gasped out with fear. Trying to step back, but Remus already had his wand discreetly pointed at his chest. Dursley's eyes traveled down, his neck suddenly growing red and splotchy. He didn't move, his eyes then traveling back to Remus.

"Oh, I know what you've done to Harry, I know every single thing…" Remus said slowly, threateningly. "If I hear you punching him in the face…"

"Hear me?! You have my house bugged?" Dursley whimpered.

"You can put it that way…" Remus said, then continued as if the muggle hadn't interrupted. "If I hear you punching him in the face, I'm breaking your fucking nose. If I hear you throwing him to the floor and kicking him in the chest, stomach or ribs, I'll do the fucking same to you and fucking break your ribs, every…single…one... Do we understand each other, Dursley?"

Dursley only whimpered non-intelligent words in answer to Remus' threat.

"Don't you dare fucking touch him," Remus growled.

Dursley regained his composure enough to shout back, "Just stay away from my family!"

"If you stay away from mine," Remus hissed back.

Dursley then turned and stumbled over to his side of the car, opening his door and disappearing inside, leaving Remus alone to step back by Harry's window as Dursley slammed his door shut. He could barely see Harry through the dark glass, and he placed his hand on the window that separated them. The car suddenly roared to life and began to back out, forcing Remus to jump aside to avoid himself getting hit.

He watched the car pull out of the parking space and join the main street, driving away until he couldn't see the car anymore, taking Remus' heart with it.

And that was when he saw it, crouching under the bushes not very far off from where Remus was standing. It was a dog? He couldn't tell, but it had dark eyes, dark eyes that looked familiar, but then Remus blinked and it was gone. Remus didn't know what to make of it, figuring his mind was just playing tricks on him due to all of the stress of not having Harry with him anymore. And without sparing another thought of that strange creature, Remus looked around for any passerbyers before Disapparating back to his hotel room.

Once he was back in his small hotel room, Remus didn't know what to do with himself. It would be about an hour until Harry reached Privet Drive. Order members were flying above, unseen on broomsticks to make sure the car wasn't attacked by Death Eaters.

He sat on the lumpy, creaking bed, glancing around the room. It was the ugliest, greyest, most depressing room he'd ever been in. The walls were so very thin that he could hear the other occupants in the building. The sounds of televisions, raised voices arguing, a baby crying and a couple having sex vibrated through. Remus sighed with annoyance, holding up his wand and began to mutter a few enchantments and wards to alert him of any approaching danger and to keep himself safe and hidden, even though he doubted any Death Eaters would track him here in this Merlin forsaken hole.

How the bloody hell did he even end up here? How come all of this shit had to happen to them? Why did Severus have to tear their family apart? Now here Remus was, listening to strangers having sex… Now Harry was stuck at Privet Drive, back with his abusers. They had plans for the summer, before all of this, they had plans for when they returned to the cabin. Remus was going to take Harry swimming at the lake in front of the cabin. He was going to show Severus all of the hiking trails…

Remus picked up his guitar where it had been laying on the bed next to his rucksack, hoping for a bit of distraction, hoping it would help him get out of his head so that he wouldn't do what he was itching to do, to head down to the nearest liquor store to buy a bottle of wine.

He strummed the strings, trying to focus on a few choruses, but his mind kept running a mile a minute, worrying about Harry, missing Severus, trying not to feel sorry for himself for having to live in this room for the next month and a half. Trying very hard to not give into his vices of drinking, to ignore the voice in his head that sounded like his Severus, whispering to him that he failed their kid.

Remus' fingers fumbled over the strings, messing up the notes. He stopped, took a deep breath and tried again.

He couldn't get Harry's face out of his mind, the way he looked at Remus as he closed the car door on him. He looked so scared and triggered, but Remus knew Harry was trying to be brave and Remus still allowed him to go back. The guilt of it surged through him. He should have just forbidden it. He should not have allowed Harry to do it. Remus was the parent, wasn't he? He should have squashed this ridiculous plan before Harry even made his mind up on it. Remus and Severus had promised Harry so many times that he was never going back there, and now he was with them!

How could Remus have allowed it to happen?

He felt like he betrayed Harry as much as Severus had, maybe even worse…

Suddenly, Remus missed up the notes he was playing so badly that a string popped out, causing the wire to strike his hand. He cursed out from the pain, clenching his fist as blood streamed down and around his arm, and before he knew it he was slamming the guitar down on the floor so hard that it exploded into pieces of broken wood and wire.

Out of breath and with warm, angry tears sliding down his cheeks, Remus looked at the mess he made, shock took over and it was the sound of his blood dripping on the ugly, carpeted floor that brought Remus back. He shook his head and went to the bathroom, turned on the sink and rinsed his hand, watching the blood rinse away with the warm water.

Once the cut on his hand was clean and healed, Remus couldn't stand to be in that room anymore, he Apparated straight to Privet Drive.

He found a spot on the roof, away from the windows, but close enough so that he was able to hear any sounds of shouting or violence coming from inside. He casted a Disillusionment Charm on himself, causing his body to blend in with the surroundings around him like a human chameleon.

He didn't have long to wait until the Dursleys' car pulled up in the driveway. Remus watched as the Dursleys exited the car and headed to the house. Harry followed behind them, carrying all of his stuff without any help.

"I'm here watching you, cub," Remus whispered, watching as Harry paused to look up at the house with a forlorn expression on his face before being called inside by his aunt.

And Remus stayed there for hours.

The sun had set. A few stars started to appear despite all of the light pollution. Harry's bedroom light had turned off quite a while ago, and if he listened closely, Remus could hear his cub's heavy breathing from sleep. It had been quiet. They had dinner. Harry helped his aunt clean up. None of them spoke a word to Harry, who then disappeared into his room and stayed there for the rest of the evening and night.

"Remus," a voice suddenly interrupted the quiet night.

Remus turned to see Tonks standing on the roof behind him. She was wearing her Auror robes. Her pink hair pinned up into a messy bun.

"Someone is going to see you," Remus muttered, then turned back around, his eyes settling on the rooftops of the cookie-cutter houses in the distance. The sounds of moving cars and televisions and voices from the neighborhood had long ago quieted down. Now the only thing Remus could hear were the occasional dogs barking and the creaking from the moving swing set on the breeze from an old park not too far from here.

He heard Tonks sigh, before casting a Disillusionment Charm on herself. Remus couldn't see her, but he could feel her, hear her sitting beside him.

"How did you find me here?" Remus quietly asked.

"Where else would you be?"

"So you just came here and called my name, hoping I would respond? Would if you were heard by the muggles?"

He could feel Tonks shrug. "How's it been here?"

"Quiet, Harry's finally asleep. I wish I knew if he ate anything for dinner."

"If they decide to starve him, Molly sent him parcels of food, so if anything he'll eat that I'm sure…"

Remus didn't say anything else to that. It wasn't what he meant. Harry didn't eat when he was upset or under a lot of stress….

"Charlie told me you've been up here for hours. They sent for Alastor, he's taking over the next watch, that means you can get some rest, maybe get something to eat."

Remus shook his head, he wasn't leaving yet. Then he remembered she couldn't see him, he still didn't answer her. He just wanted Tonks gone.

Then it became very quiet between them, the memory of their last conversation had wedged itself between them.

"Remus, are you…"

And Remus knew what she was having a hard time asking, afraid that he may snap at her again.

"I'm fine," he interrupted before Tonks could finish her question, his voice terse.

"You don't seem fine."

"I am, can you leave it?"

"Remus, you loved him. How can you say that you are?"

"I said drop it!"

"Okay, fine!"

Silence grew between them again.

"Look, I didn't mean to coddle you that night. I'm sorry if you felt like I wasn't respecting your space or trying to replace him. That wasn't my intention. I was just so worried for you, anyone could see that you were in shock."

At first Remus didn't respond. He heard the worry in Tonks' voice, the sincerity in her apology, and Remus knew he was the one who should be apologizing to her. He was the one who was acting mean to her, pushing her away, she was only trying to be his friend. Nothing more.

Remus sighed, turning his attention towards Tonks, wishing they could see each other.

"Don't apologize, you were just trying to be there for me. I'm the one treating you unfairly."

"Don't apologize either, you were only hurting."

"I'm still sorry, Tonks, what I said… It was harsh. I didn't mean it… It was all so stupid… I just felt like an idiot for believing that he might've really..." Remus choked out, unable to finish.

"We were all fooled, we all thought he was on our side."

Remus couldn't say anything more to that. He just felt so stupid for being tricked into believing that Severus Snape had actually been on their side, that Severus the most trusted Death Eater of Voldemort might've actually had a heart, a heart that held Remus and Harry so very close. Who gave his life in service to Dumbledore, for the war… That Severus Snape might have actually loved Remus as deeply as he loved Severus. He just felt so bloody stupid for believing all of that. He was mad for ever thinking a Death Eater could change and fall in love… Severus Snape was a good actor… Remus still hadn't found any slip-ups, leaving a bit of doubt… But he killed Dumbledore… He killed him in cold-blood… He showed his true madness to Harry that night, attacking him… That had to be real, and Remus found himself getting lost in that endless loop of doubt and questions and just not knowing what was true, what was real…what wasn't… He rested his face into his hands and groaned with frustration as he felt another headache coming on.

"Remus, come back to my place. You can rest there, then come back. Alastor just arrived, Harry's in good hands."

Remus groaned out again, massaging his temple, he knew there was no arguing with her.

"Are you okay, sweetie?"

"Pounding headache."

"Okay, let's go, I'm not taking no for an answer."

Remus heard Tonks getting to her feet and he could see her in his mind holding out a hand to him. He inwardly sighed with defeat and stood up, reaching out a hand where she knew he was standing. He felt cool, slender fingers wrap around his own and he held on tight as he began to feel the familiar pull of a portkey.

Tonks' apartment was small and not exactly tidy. Clothes were strewn everywhere, on piles on the sofa and on the floor. Dishes on every surface… He pointed his wand to himself and took away the Disillusionment Charm off of himself.

For some reason, Remus was not surprised at all to see a messy apartment. It brought a smile out of him, a small one and the first one in days.

"Crikey, Remus, I'm such a pig, just hold on…" Tonks said, taking off her own Disillusionment Charm off of herself as well and gathering every dish and article of clothing in her vicinity.

But Remus didn't mind at all, dismissing her fervent apologies as she rapidly cleaned up. It had the comforting air of a well-loved home.

Remus felt something small bump against him, he looked down to see an orange cat wrapping its slender body around his legs. He was surprised at the small cat's greeting, dogs and cats usually stayed far away from him, always sensing the werewolf he was. Remus bent down and scratched his chin. The cat began to purr.

"So this is the famous Oliver?" Remus said, continuing to scratch his chin.

"Yup, the little bugger," Tonks said, clearing off the sofa.

"Why is he so dirty?" Remus laughed, noticing the smudges of dirt behind his ears and on his feet. The dust on his orange tabby coat.

"He likes being dirty, believe me, you'll think water is acidic to him the way he acts in the bath."

Tonks then directed Remus to the bathroom where he could use it and wash up. He looked at his reflection in the mirror as he washed his hands and rinsed his face. He looked terrible and exhausted. And he wondered what he was doing here when he should be nearby Harry just in case anything should happen. It was the one promise he was determined to keep after all the broken ones. That he'll be out there, watching over Harry, and if something happened while he was here in Tonks' apartment, Remus would never be able to forgive himself. He'll have to thank her for letting him use her bathroom and perhaps ask for some muggle painkillers for his headache or even a potion, then be on his way. He couldn't stay here.

When he came back out, the living room was tidy and he spied some sheets, blankets and pillows fixed up on the sofa for him. Oliver greeted Remus with a meow and followed him to the kitchen where he found Tonks fixing up a sandwich.

"Seems like you made a friend, I'm jealous."

"Of me or Oliver?"

"You of course," Tonks laughed.

"Tonks, I appreciate everything you're doing, I… I can't stay here, I have to go back."

Tonks gave him a stern look that Remus was sure he learned from her mother, Andromeda Tonks. "You need to sleep, Remus."

"What if something happens, and I'm not there?"

"Well, then you'll be no use to him if you're dead on your feet!"

And Remus knew she was right, knew she had won the argument and the look she shot him, she knew that as well. She poured a glass of water and handed him a tiny phial.

"For your headache, then eat, please." Tonks placed a plate with a sandwich on the table.

Remus had a hard time falling asleep, even though he was feeling thoroughly exhausted and sore from sitting on the roof for so long, and when he finally did fall into an uneasy sleep, he was plagued with flashes of Severus.

His Severus… Remus was holding him, whispering to him… Severus throwing his head back and laughing... Then he turned into that stranger with those cold, glittering black eyes, his wand pointed on Harry. Then Remus started seeing Harry in the muggles' car, the way he looked at Remus with so much fear, telling Remus that he failed him. Severus' voice echoing in his dreams… You failed our kid, Lupin… You failed Harry… Why did you let him go back? Why?

You left first! Remus tried to shout. You left us first! You betrayed us!

Then Remus was suddenly the wolf again running up on that stupid hill, but this time it was so dark. There was no brilliant light, no dark wolf howling to him, waiting for him at the top. He was alone. Remus was alone.

I'm alone! Harry! I'm trying! Severus, where are you! Remus was running and running but he wasn't getting anywhere! Wasn't moving! The light is gone! The light is gone, only darkness here! Is this the end of everything? Am I dying? What is happening?! Where is the light?!

Suddenly he jolted awake and shouted as something touched his arm, trying to free himself from the tangled sheets.

"Remus, sweetie, it's me, Dora. You were only dreaming," Tonks consoled him, she was sitting on the edge of the sofa, peering worriedly at him. "I heard you shouting, are you alright? It sounded like one hell of a nightmare."

Remus couldn't speak, he only shakily ran his hand over his face, rubbing at his eyes and trying to calm down his heavy breaths.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Tonks asked.

Remus shook his head. He was so used to Severus being the one waking him from his nightmares, soothing him, holding him, kissing him, and Remus craved him. He needed to feel Severus so much, it hurt. His heart was longing for him and he felt so guilty for feeling all of that. For still being in love with a murderer, a Death Eater, a monster.

A monster just like himself, perhaps it really did take one monster to love another monster.

Even though Remus was still so unsure of who Severus Snape really was or if that version of him had even existed, Remus still loved him. And the thought of that, it sent fresh, warm tears to fall down his cheeks. Remus only wiped them away, not making a sound, wishing Tonks could leave, but not having the strength to send her away.

What was Severus doing right now while Remus was being tortured by his nightmares and guilt and heartbreak on Tonks' sofa? While Harry slept in his old bed at Privet Drive under the same roof as his abusers? What was Severus doing right now? Did he know? Did he know Harry was back at Privet Drive? Did he even care that they were suffering?

More fresh tears came down and Remus' throat tightened.

"Oh, Remus… You're okay… You're okay… Harry's okay… We'll know right away if anything happened while you were gone."

Remus felt her hands card through his hair. Felt her soft hands wiping away his tears from his face, her thumb accidentally brushing over his lips, and he looked up at her. Her eyes were blue and full of sorrow and pity. He hated that she was looking at him that way, that she was seeing him this way, the mess he'd been in for days, but he couldn't hide it any longer and a small part of him was glad that it was Tonks who saw it and no one else. She was his best friend. He had to let her in and stop pushing her away. She was just trying to be there for him.

Remus wasn't sure what made him do it. He knew he was making the biggest mistake in his life that he would forever regret, but he was feeling so wretched and tired and heartbroken. He missed Severus, the version of him that possibly never existed. He missed Harry. His family was lost. He was lost and alone, and afraid from his nightmares and Tonks was there. A friend. A temporary comfort, a temporary replacement to what Remus really wanted. He moved aside on the sofa and pulled her close to him.

Tonks didn't protest, she only looked at him with questionable eyes and then suddenly started kissing away the tears streaming down Remus' face. Her lips trailing down as she whispered to him that he wasn't alone, that he still had her and that everything was going to be okay. She then began to kiss him on the lips. Remus kept his mouth closed at first, wondering if he liked this or not, and in the end, he decided that it didn't matter, he opened his mouth and he kissed her back.

The kisses felt wrong. Her tongue in his mouth felt wrong. Her soft feminine whispers were all wrong in his ear. Tonks wasn't Severus, but it would have to do. Remus just needed to prove to himself that he wasn't a monster in love with another monster, that he could perhaps one day love someone else. That he wasn't so far gone, out of reach, and so very damaged, that a human as good and pure as Tonks could still want him.

And Remus knew that this was all just so very wrong and his instincts inside were screaming at him to stop. He could imagine how hurt Severus would be if he were to ever find out, remembering his jealousy and insecurities over Remus' friendship with Tonks. That alone almost made Remus want to pull away, but he stopped himself. That Severus never existed. Why did he feel like he was cheating on him, when there was never anyone to cheat on in the first place?

And with that last thought, Remus banished every thought out of his head and kissed Tonks so hard she gasped and pressed herself closer to him. He felt even more wretched, seeing how much she still really liked him, suppressed her feelings for him, and here he was, leading her on for his own selfish reasons, knowing he could never give her what she fully wanted from him. And as he kissed her, Remus wished so very hard that he could love Tonks in the way she loved him, in the way he loved Severus.

He kissed Tonks harder, running his hands down her sides, feeling the small, curvy shape of her body then gently holding the small cup of her breast and squeezing, trying to find that passion, trying to find it and grab onto it, then maybe this wouldn't be a mistake after all, but he couldn't…he couldn't and his heart broke and he just kept kissing Tonks and pulling her close to him.

Tonks suddenly pulled away, brushing a lock of hair away from his face, her eyes soft and hazel, the same color as his own.

"Are you okay with this?" Remus croaked out with worry and guilt.

Tonks nodded, and suddenly they were kissing again.

Remus wasn't sure if he had blacked out or not, or it just happened so fast that he didn't have time to register what was happening until it already was. He was suddenly pushing himself inside of Tonks, laying on top of her. They hadn't even fully taken off their clothes, just their pants. He pushed himself deeper and deeper, staring into her eyes, seeing the affection Tonks had for him mixed with sorrow, and he saw that she knew what this was between them. A mistake, a friendship on the verge of ruin. That he could never love her like she loved him. But they didn't stop, they kept going. She was so small and different underneath him, so warm and soft and Remus felt awkward and clumsy and it was all just so very wrong. She wasn't him… Tonks wasn't who Remus wanted…and he released himself into her, groaning out from it and hearing her startled gasps as she suddenly reached completion underneath him as well.

Then it was over. Now it was an ugly thing between them, something their friendship could never get past, and it was all his fault. Remus allowed it to happen knowing it would end like this. He pulled himself out of Tonks and sat on the sofa, pulling back on his pants. Avoiding her gaze as he muttered with so much guilt and hurt, "I'm so sorry… I don't know what came over me… Dora… I'm sorry… I didn't mean to…"

"Remus, can you look at me please?"

He couldn't. He couldn't look at her. Remus turned away. He felt so dirty and horrid. He was trying to prove to himself that he wasn't a monster, but all it did was prove that he was. He was so ashamed of himself for letting them get carried away like that, for allowing them to get so far. He was only just trying to fill the hole in his heart, in his very soul with Tonks. Wondering if maybe for a second they could be, but it was wrong. It made him feel even worse than before. He still felt so very empty and soulless and heartless, and Tonks deserved so much better than someone like him, then someone who could never love her the way she wanted, someone who was cursed with being a monstrous werewolf, someone who took advantage of the crush he'd always known she had for him and betrayed her so very badly. He was so selfish, taking from her, searching for himself, for Severus, in her and finding nothing…nothing at all and just hurting her in the worst way possible.

"This was a mistake. We shouldn't have done this, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have led you on…" Remus stuttered out.

"I don't care! Can you just look at me!"

And when he still couldn't, Tonks stood up and stormed into her bathroom, slamming the door shut behind her.

Remus immediately heard the lock on the door click. He quickly got up, picking up his flannel and throwing it on over his t-shirt, holding back his anger, his regret. He was tired of feeling so low of himself, tired of being angry and lost and this was all just a mistake. Another thing to feel horrible about. Now he lost his friendship with Tonks as well, now he was truly alone.

Remus left the apartment. He couldn't stay there and he knew he would not even be able to sleep after that, so he went back to Privet Drive, Apparating far enough away so that the loud pop of it wouldn't wake anyone. He landed in the park. The night was dark and still, not a soul about. He walked back to the Dursleys' house, casting the Disillusionment Charm back on himself after alerting his presence to Alastor and Charlie who kept watch undercover.

"Everything is quiet," Charlie said to Remus.

"Good, you two should get some rest, I can take the next watch and you can come back in the morning."

"Constant Vigilance, Lupin, no falling asleep," Alastor said with disapproval, his electric-blue eye pointed directly at him. He then began to walk away, far enough so that the muggles wouldn't wake from the loud pop of him Disapparating.

Charlie reappeared in front of Remus, his own Disillusionment Charm wearing off. His blue eyes searching for Remus. "Where's Tonks? I thought she left with you."

"I was sleeping on her couch, and I couldn't anymore, so I came back." Remus was glad Charlie couldn't see him, he would see the guilt and shame clearly written on his face.

Charlie nodded. "I'll be back first thing tomorrow to relieve you. You have to rest."

"I know."

Charlie then walked down the same direction Alastor had gone, and Remus was able to hear a very faint pop signaling his departure.

Remus then walked to the house and used a levitation spell to get himself onto the roof, and he settled into the spot he had occupied before.

With his sharp werewolf hearing, Remus could tell that everyone in the house was still asleep. Dawn wasn't very far off. He focused on Harry's room, zoning in on his cub's heavy breaths and quiet whimpers that were because of nightmares. Remus sighed, wishing he could just go in there and comfort him, it was torture not being able to, to keep himself sitting where he was.

Suddenly he felt like something was watching him, the wolf inside him awoke, growling softly. Remus looked down, seeing a flash or a shadow for a very brief second…he wasn't sure what he saw and he looked around, searching, the hair on the back of his arms rising.

Remus floated down from the roof, walking around the house as silently as he could, but there was nothing, and he figured maybe he was just exhausted and the fear of his own nightmares still lingered in him, because for a second, for a second when he saw that shadow, he thought he might have seen a black wolf, the wolf from his dreams, but that was impossible, there were no wolves here, and the wards didn't go off, alerting him of any danger or trespassers that meant Harry harm.

And after giving up his search on foot, Remus settled himself back on the roof, still keeping an eye out just in case he had missed anything. He took a deep breath, scenting the air, but still finding nothing.

The shadow he saw reminded him of his nightmare he had on Tonks' sofa. Running up that hill in the darkness, no sign of the wolf he used to try so hard to reach. The dream had changed, what did it mean? And now…now he was seeing black wolves in the waking world as well?

Remus ran a hand through his hair with exhaustion, perhaps it was just the lack of sleep catching up with him… If there really was a wolf, and not just some figment of his sleep-deprived imagination, then he would have scented it.

But why did he still have such an uneasy feeling that he wasn't alone? The wolf inside him growled again and Remus pushed it away, not knowing that it was trying to tell him that he had walked past a black wolf hidden among the hydrangeas in the back garden.

A black wolf with eyes as dark as obsidian, with its ears pricked in the direction of Harry's window.

A/N: You guys made it to the end! But this isn't the end really, a third and last story is coming soon. Just make sure you follow my alerts and keep checking for it. It should be coming out later next year. I'm planning on doing a small hiatus because I'm feeling very burnt out, then I'm going to work on a few chapters and the timeline before actually posting anything, so maybe by Spring 2024. Don't worry, I promise I wont keep you guys waiting for very long nor will I abandon the series!

A very special thanks to every single reviewer that had at one point kept reviewing every update!

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There were times when I was mentally done with this story or feeling very low about it, and your excitement to read every update and your encouragement just really kept me going…even if you're not even reading it anymore, just your feedback at the time was always deeply appreciated. This story really means a lot to me, even if it is just fanfiction and to hear from readers that love it as much as I do, it just makes me happy.