Coaching Malone
[Cheers. Afternoon]
(The bar is relatively crowded, but fairly quiet. Carla is serving customers at the tables, Sam is making cocktails for some female customers, and Cliff and Norm are having a beer at the bar. At that moment, Diane runs out of Sam's office with her hand over her mouth and enters the ladies' room. Sam, seeing her, is a little surprised and Norm and Cliff turn around on their barstools)
Diane: (Coming out of the ladies' room) I'm sorry, I had a bad dream. I was... in a bad place.
Cliff: What was the cause of your depression?
Diane: I wasn't depressed, I was in The Hungry Heifer. No offense, Norman.
Norm: (Offended) I'll let it go just this once just for what you and I know.
Sam: Don't take it personally, yesterday when she came home from the library she threw up from the smell of fried chicken.
Diane: If it had been just your shirt that smelled of it, but it was stuck even to the furniture.
(As Diane reaches for her apron, she gags)
Norm: You sure you can work?
Diane: Only if Sam takes off his cologne.
Sam: (Surprised and angry) What?! Oh, no! Not that! I'm not giving that up! (He grabs her hand and walks to the door) That's it! Let's go to the hospital and get a prescription for your nausea.
Diane: (Annoyed) Sam!
Sam: But it's my cologne!
Carla: From love to hate there's only one step: Getting married.
Norm: (Looking at his beer mug) I don't know where you get that from. (Drinks it)
Making your way in the world today
takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries
sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?
Sometimes you wanna go
where everybody knows your name
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see
our troubles are all the same.
You wanna be where everybody knows your name.
You wanna go where people know
people are all the same.
You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
[Cheers. Evening]
(Sam is behind the bar filling Norm's beer mug, Carla is serving customers at the entrance and Diane is serving customers by the hallway)
Male customer: I can't believe your Marjorie is turning five already.
Female customer: Yes, look how cute she is. (Shows him a picture)
(Diane, seeing the photo as she comes to leave their drinks, bursts into tears)
Customer: Are you all right, Miss?
Diane: (Moved) Yes, it's just that... (Cries)
Alan: (Entering along with Steve) What's wrong with Diane? She's really sensitive.
Steve: Come to think of it, she hasn't been feeling well lately. Is she sick?
Paul: I bet she's pregnant.
Sam: (Looks at Diane sitting on the floor crying because she broke a glass while cleaning the table) I think it's impossible to deny it at this point. But keep it quiet, she's just five weeks along.
Alan and Steve: (Happy for both of them) Congratulations!
Sam: (Approaches Diane and lifts her by the arm) Go get some rest in my office, I'll take care of cleaning this up. Did you cut yourself on the glass?
Diane: No, I don't think so.
Norm: How come Diane is getting all the symptoms at once? Carla didn't.
Carla: When you're so used to being pregnant you end up being in control.
Cliff: I thought with your temper, not even your body dared to mess with you.
(Carla, who was going to bring beers to the customers in the pool room, picks up a beer and throws it over Cliff)
Carla: (To Sam, leaving the empty mug on the bar) One beer.
(...)
(Cliff and Norm are sitting at the bar drinking beer. Next to them are Paul, Steve and Alan. Sam is in his office and Carla is serving drinks to some customers by the piano)
Cliff: Did you know that bagels started out as simple bread rolls with no hole, but during the war, soldiers started taking the center out and making a necklace out of it to carry some food in case they had to spend the night in a faraway place?
Norm: That's funny (laughs). Why did we stop wearing bagel necklaces?
Cliff: I guess because it's no longer necessary.
Norm: Right, now we have pretzels and beer nuts. (Grabs a handful of each and eats)
(Diane enters the bar, apparently upset)
Norm: Diane, you look pale, are you feeling sick again?
Diane: (In a bad mood) No, I just came from Lilith's house.
Carla: And you borrowed her make-up (laughs).
Diane: (In a bad mood) No, I just found out that my husband's IQ is lower than a one-and-a-half-year old's. Where's Sam?
(Sam comes out of his office and is surprised to see Diane)
Sam: (Cheerful) Diane!
Diane: (Angrily) No (imitating his tone) "Diane!"!
(Seeing her come in angry, Sam's smile is automatically wiped off his face, but he is unable to figure out what the cause of her anger is or if her bad mood is just a consequence of the pregnancy hormones and there is no real problem)
Diane: (Angry) Why didn't you tell me that when you took care of Freddie when he was a baby, he locked himself in the bathroom because you weren't watching him?! If it weren't for the fact that that child is smarter than you, he could have drowned! And you didn't tell me that you're so stupid that a one and a half years old left you locked outside the house!
Sam: (Upset) I didn't tell you because it was a long time ago and because if I did it, I was sure you would delay getting pregnant! Didn't Lilith also tell you that after that I took care of Freddie many more times without mishaps?! We went to the park to fly kites, we played with his toys together, we watched cartoons on TV together...! A couple of days with him and he loved me as much or more than he loved Frasier!
Diane: (Sighs resignedly) All right. You're good with kids, but you have to learn to take care of them. I'm going out for a moment, I'll be right back.
Carla: (Grabs her by the dress and turns her around) No way. You're not gonna duck out again. Put on your apron.
Diane: (To Sam, pointing her finger at him and very serious) You won't be this lucky tomorrow.
[Cheers. Monday. Afternoon]
(The bar is rather quiet and empty and Carla is serving drinks to some customers)
Woody: (Arrives in a hurry) Sorry for the delay, we missed the flight and... (Puzzled) Where's Sam?
(Before Carla can answer his question, Sam comes out of his office angrily and Diane comes out after him with a baby doll in her hand)
Sam: (Angrily) No, I refuse! I'm not gonna play with a baby in the bar! Can't we just go over how they're made? Or if you prefer something more useful, I can always help you train to br-
(Angrily, Diane grabs Norm's beer and throws it in Sam's face. Everyone in the bar stared at them. Norm's beer was sacred. However, no one dared to say a word)
Diane: It's not playing, it's practicing! Woody, you're a father, help me show Sam how it's done.
Woody: The first thing is washing your hands. And in Sam's case, his face. We don't want to spill any alcohol on the kid.
(Goes to the men's room)
Carla: What do you want to teach him?
Diane: For starters, how to hold a baby.
Woody: (Coming out of the toilet) That's easy. You just have to be very careful and always hold its little head. (Picks up the baby) See?
Carla: Okay, I'm with Diane and Woody on this one, it probably wouldn't hurt to practice on that doll.
Sam: (Surprised and disappointed) You too?!
Diane: Here. (Gives him the baby)
Sam: (Grabs it carefully) Did you buy the doll just for this?
Diane: No. (Presses the button on the doll's back and the doll starts crying)
Sam: (Annoyed) You've gotta be kidding me!
Diane: (Serious and menacingly) Sam...
Sam: (Confused) What do I do now?
Diane: You have to find out what's wrong with the baby.
Sam: Let's see, according to the book, when a baby cries, it could be: hunger, dirty diaper or gas.
Diane: Start by checking the diaper.
Sam: Okay.
(When Diane sees that he is going to lay the baby on the bar, she puts a hand underneath to stop him)
Diane: Ah, ah, ah. First you need to put something underneath.
Sam: Like what?
Diane: Something soft and comfortable, and made of fabric. I think the most convenient thing would be for us to have a portable changing table or leave one at home and one at the bar. After all, we spend a lot of time here. Getting back to the point, if you had to change a baby now, how would you do it?
Sam: (Overwhelmed, he hits the button on the back to stop the crying) I'm sorry, but this bawling it's getting on my nerves.
Diane: (Presses the button again) Well, get used to it. Our son or daughter is not going to have an off button.
Sam: (Sighs overwhelmed) Let's see, "comfortable and made of fabric". I know!
(Sam goes to his office, picks up a blanket, puts it on the couch and places the baby on top of it. As he removes the diaper, a stream shoots up into his face and Diane laughs)
Sam: (Looking at her annoyed) You think that's funny, huh?
Diane: (Holding in her laughter) Pretty much. Let me show you. I learned this trick in a book. (She picks up a wipe and kneels down next to the baby) The cold air when you open the diaper is what triggers the instinct to pee. If you want to reduce the chances of the baby peeing on your face, run a cold wipe over the baby's tummy, just above the diaper. Like this, with circular movements. This way you activate that mechanism, but they'll pee while they're still wearing the diaper, and when you take it off, they'll have an empty bladder.
Sam: (Surprised) Wow... Do you think this will work on the doll too?
Diane: I don't know. It's supposed to work on the real babies, though. Anyway, let's get on with the class. Now what's next?
Sam: Take off this diaper and put on a clean one.
Diane: You're missing a step in the middle.
Sam: Right, I have to wash my face.
Diane: Then you're missing two steps.
Sam: (Picks up a wipe) It was just water, right?
Diane: Of course, a doll's not going to expel real urine.
Sam: What's the next step?
Diane: Clean up the baby. The urine and feces irritate their skin. Do you know how to do that or do you need me to explain it to you?
Sam: It can't be much different from an adult. (Gets a wipe, wipes the baby and removes the diaper)
Diane: (Giving him a clean diaper) Here.
Sam: Thank you.
(Sam picks up the diaper, puts it on the baby, and, as soon as he holds it in his arms, Diane presses the button on the baby's back and it cries again. Sam looks at her angrily)
Diane: What do you think the baby wants now?
Sam: For his mother to stop hitting its back. (Gives her the toy and leaves angrily)
Diane: (Walks out after him) Sam!
Sam: Diane, it's just a doll!
Diane: In eight months you'll have a real one! Seven if it's born premature!
Sam: (Angry) I hope he or she doesn't be like you then.
Diane: Sam, you have to calm down. When the baby cries non-stop, you can't get like this.
(Sam, hearing Diane's words, remembers how, at the beginning of May, he called Frasier because this time he did not want to mess things up with Diane, and how just a month later, he almost lost her even doing things right, and he comes to his senses)
Sam: All right. I'm sorry. I know you just want me to be ready, but you just won't give me a break.
Diane: I'm sorry. When the baby is born, it will be the same, you have to get used to the idea.
Sam: There's more than half a year to go, why don't we take a break and enjoy what's left of the summer?
Diane: We will as soon as you're ready. I promise this will only take a few days. And I'll reward you when you're done. A graduation present from Daddy Academy.
(Sam laughs and kisses her. Just thinking about the gift got him in a good mood. The same could not be said about Carla, who at the sight of them being so affectionate made the gesture of sticking her fingers down her throat)
Norm: (Annoyed) Can someone make that baby stop?!
Diane: What do you think it needs?
Sam: Milk! (Grabbing Diane's arm, he excitedly pulls her towards his office)
Diane: Sam!
Sam: What?!
Diane: I'm trying to teach you. It's obvious I wasn't talking about breastfeeding.
Sam: (Disappointed) You meant a bottle?
Diane: (Resigned, pushes him into the office) Come on...
Norm: (Laughs) Poor Sammy.
Carla: I already warned him not to marry Diane.
Sam: (Leaving the office with the bottle and formula) Woody, put some water on to boil.
Diane: There's something you need to do in the meantime.
Sam: What?
Diane: Sanitize the bottle and nipple.
Sam: How do you do that?
Diane: By boiling it in water for ten minutes.
Sam: Do we have to do that every time they want a bottle?!
Diane: No, just periodically or when they get sick to get rid of viruses and bacteria. Normally just washing them is enough.
Sam: Okay. But turn the baby off. I'm not gonna spend fifteen minutes listening that crying.
Diane: (Pushes the button) Done.
Norm: (Relieved) Thank you!
(...)
(When Sam has the bottle ready, he sits down on a chair with one leg over the armrest, grabs the baby holding his head and gives it the bottle. Diane, seeing him, smiles moved)
(...)
(Diane is serving some customers by the entrance, Woody is filling the bowls with snacks, Sam is reading some sheets and has a pencil in his hand and Carla is coming in from the pool room with an empty tray)
Carla: (To Sam) What are those documents?
Sam: Tests.
Carla: (Outraged) You're letting her boss you around?! You're pathetic. I didn't learn any of that and I raised eight kids by myself.
Cliff: Seven of whom pointed to criminals since they were kids and one of whom is already in jail.
Carla: Shut up.
Norm: I'm sorry, Carla, but I'm with Cliffie on this one. Sam needs to learn. Though I don't think the tests are necessary. It would be better to do it as a game.
Diane: (Happy and surprised) Norman! That's a wonderful idea! (To Sam) How is it going?
Sam: I'm missing how many hours they sleep at each age and in what order and at what age the foods are introduced.
Diane: Maybe for that it would be better to make a small poster so you can look at it whenever you need to. In the long run, I guess it'll stick with you.
Sam: I'm also missing the practical question of what to do when babies are uncomfortable because they're teething.
Diane: The answer to that is breast milk ice cream. Or fruit ice cream when they're older. (Reading his exam) And you got this one wrong. Although I can't blame you, it was a tricky question. Children can start eating other things besides breast milk or formula as early as six months, but they should continue to drink it until they're about two years old.
(As Diane finishes speaking, an alarm go off)
Norm: What's that noise?
Diane: It's the alarm that tells us it's time for a bottle.
Sam: Oh, come on!
Diane: Would you rather I put the doll to cry?
Sam: No, leave it like that. I'd rather make a fool of myself in silence.
(Diane smiles and watches as Sam goes to give the baby a bottle. Norm, seeing them, laughs slyly)
(...)
[Malone's house. Nighttime]
(When Sam and Diane arrive home, Sam is horrified to see the walls full of doodles and looks at Diane as if he wanted to kill her)
Sam: I'm gonna give you three seconds to run away.
Diane: Sam!
Sam: (Menacingly) One... Two...Three!
(When Diane sees him start to chase her, she runs out and locks herself in the bathroom)
Sam: I hope you're comfortable in the tub.
[From inside] Diane: Sam, please, listen to what I have to say.
Sam: I'll give you a chance.
[From inside] Diane: I did this to test you. I know how to clean it. In fact, I've already tried it myself.
Sam: Great, then get out there and clean up this mess.
[From inside] Diane: Okay. (Opens the door and walks out) But I want you to learn.
(...)
Sam: (Cleaning) Just like that?
Diane: Yes. Just water and baking soda. Obviously, it depends on the material they use for painting. Worst case scenario, you'll have to apply a coat of paint. Anyway, I'll try to get them to paint on paper, cardboard, canvas or blackboards.
(The alarm goes off again)
Diane: Bottle time.
Sam: It's your turn this time.
Diane: Okay.
(...)
Sam: (From the living room) Diane, how long before dinner is ready? I ask to see if I take a shower first.
Diane: (From the kitchen) Don't, it's ready. Help me serve it.
(When Sam enters, he is surprised to see that she has made two different dishes, fish en papillote with vegetables and potatoes, and a green puree)
Sam: Are you that hungry?
Diane: No. Well, I am, but that's not why I made two dishes. Today you're going to feed me.
Sam: (Fed up, quietly and to himself) Oh, Lord, just give me a break.
(When Diane sits down, Sam picks up the spoon and tries to give her the puree, but she dodges him by turning her face away)
Sam: You're not gonna make it easy on me, huh? (He grabs her face and shoves the spoon in)
(Diane, being aware that a baby would resent that, pretends to cry so Sam will notice. Sam, fed up, puts his head down on the table)
Sam: I give up. This is ridiculous.
Diane: No! You can't give up now! You've come a long way in a very short time!
Sam: (Raises his head and looks at her) Do you really think so?
Diane: You got a "B" on the tests and you've learned how to bottle feed, change a diaper and clean a baby. As soon as you learn two more things and manage to keep your eye on them, you'll be a wonderful father. That said, if you get angry, don't act the way you acted towards me earlier. It's a despicable and awful sexist attitude.
Sam: I'm sorry, you're right. I needed to be alone to calm down. Next time it happens, I'll go to the basement.
Diane: Thank you. Now let's continue with the food.
(Sam, no longer knowing what to do, bends down, looks for her gaze while smiling and then starts to bring up the spoon as if it were a plane. When Diane laughs, he takes the opportunity to put the spoon in her mouth)
(...)
Diane: (Giving the baby to Sam) Now it's time to learn how to bathe the baby.
Sam: (Places the baby on the toilet with the lid down) I can think of a better way to practice... (Starts to take Diane's blouse off her)
Diane: (Gives her a gentle slap on the hand to make him stop) Don't even think about it.
Sam: Won't it be dangerous to bath the doll? It's battery operated, right?
Diane: Sam, it's another doll.
Sam: (Surprised) It's another one?! (He picks it up and turns it around to check it) Wow...
Diane: If we have twins, I think I'll put them bracelets with their names on them.
Sam: Wait, twins? Is there a chance? I'm not able to take good care of one baby, let alone two.
Diane: Don't worry, you wouldn't be alone. But now let's start with the bath.
Sam: Ok. (Takes the baby, puts a container in the bathtub and puts the baby in it)
Diane: First mistake. To bathe a baby you have to use a bath chair. If you do it this way, you'll have backache by the second day. And if their brother or sister startles you and you let go of the baby, they'll surely drown.
Sam: And where am I going to find a baby seat at this hour?
Diane: I'll get it for you. (She goes out)
Sam: (Surprised) You already bought it?!
Diane: Yes, when I went out to get the dolls. (Enters with the chair) I also bought a couple of things for the house. Tomorrow we'll put them up.
Sam: Did you forget about the bar?
Diane: Carla, Woody and Norm have the key. I wouldn't worry about it.
(When Sam puts the doll on the chair and wets the baby, it slips)
Diane: Second mistake.
Sam: (Grabs a towel from the towel rack, picks up the baby, puts it on the chair and sits it back down) There you go.
Diane: Now you see why I insisted on making you practice?
Sam: Yes. After seeing this I almost appreciate it. Although I doubt a child would be that slippery.
Diane: If you smear oil or cream on it, it's probably just as slippery, if not slipperier, than that doll.
Sam: Any more advice before I make my third mistake?
Diane: (Smiles) Actually, yes. (Pulls something out of the towels and hands it to him)
Sam: What is this? A shower bib?
Diane: No (laughs). It's a cap. It's to keep shampoo out of their eyes when you wash their hair. When they're older, it's usually enough to tell them to tilt their head back, but babies tend to move around a lot during bath time.
Sam: Diane... How much money exactly have you spent on baby stuff...?
Diane: (Laughs) Don't worry about that. We're going to use everything I've bought for years to come.
(...)
(Already in his pajamas, Sam places the doll in the crib)
Diane: Question: What would you do if the baby were cold?
Sam: Put a blanket on it.
Diane: Wrong answer. What you should do is put him or her in warmer pajamas or adjust the room temperature with the heater. Anything that can cover their face is a hazard. Sheets, blankets, stuffed animals, even the pillow.
Sam: Then should I take it off?
Diane: There are two options. Take it off or put it under the sheet. We'll have to see which one our baby likes most.
Sam: Then let me fix this. You wait for me in bed.
(...)
(An hour later, Sam and Diane are making love in the bedroom. Sam is on top of Diane covered with the sheet and Diane is clutching him with her feet on his back. At that moment, the alarm goes off)
Sam: (Angrily) Oh no, you can't do this to me!
(Diane reaches out from where she is and presses the button so the crying starts)
Sam: (Angry) All right, all right! Turn that off already.
Diane: (Presses the button again) When you come back, we'll pick up right where we left off.
(...)
(At night, Sam and Diane are sleeping in their bedroom when the alarm goes off)
Sam: (Exhausted) This time it's your turn to go.
Diane: (Exhausted) No, you go. When it's the real baby, I'll still be tired from delivering it and breastfeeding it.
Sam: (Exhausted) That's seven or eight months away. You have no excuse.
Diane: (Exhausted) I'm pregnant. Just because of that I'm more tired.
Sam: (Exhausted) Nobody would have said that looking at you two hours ago.
Diane: (Exhausted) Who do you think finished wearing me out? (Sighs resignedly) We're lousy parents. Would we let our child starve to discuss which one of us is more tired? I'll go. (Gets up)
(...)
[Malone's house. Morning]
(Still in their pajamas, Sam attaches safety latches to the furniture while Diane places cushions on the corners so when the kids walk around, they will not bump into them. When they are done, Diane installs some sort of plug covers while Sam anchors the TV so it will not move if they push it. Finally, Diane puts some felt pads on the inside of the door frames so they do not make noise when they close them, and Sam puts latches where they keep the alcohol in Cheers II)
(...)
[Massachusetts General Hospital]
(After a morning of work, Sam and Diane come in for their first ultrasound. Diane is lying down with her blouse pulled up to her breasts and Sam is sitting next to her holding her hand, not just because Diane was nervous, but mostly because he was nervous. The blood tests from the previous week indicated that everything was in order, Diane was already starting to take her supplements, and they were slowly learning to control the nausea. When Sam sees the result of the ultrasound, his eyes widen, he pales a little and drops his hand. This reaction that triggers his wife's panic)
Diane: What's wrong?! There's no sac?!
Sam: (Perplexed) There are two sacs... We're having twins...
(Diane, hearing Sam, has the exact same reaction as he did just a few seconds earlier. Twins... Their life was about to change drastically. For the first time in days, Sam was grateful for Diane's "stupid training". Quickly, several thoughts ran through his mind. The first was how grateful he felt. Just a year ago, he thought he would never have a stable relationship and would die without a wife or children, but now he was not only married to the woman he always loved, but his dream of having two kids had been fulfilled all at once, something that at their age came in handy. The second was that, with the right person, everything comes naturally. When he tried with Rebecca years ago, they both felt so awkward. There was no chemistry between them and the love they had for each other was that of friends. And no matter how hard they tried, they only failed and increased their frustration with themselves. With Diane, on the other hand, it was pure passion, sparks flew between them, like fireworks. And although they were trying to be parents, they had never thought about it while they were doing it, they simply enjoyed it, and beyond the fact that Diane was not drinking alcohol and he was not using protection, nothing had changed in their sex routine)
(...)
(When Diane leaves the house to go to Cheers, she is surprised to see Sam in the car with the doors open. When she approaches, she notices two identical baby seats in his Corvette and Sam crying. Seeing Diane, he is startled. She thought he was going to yell at her or try to deny his feelings, but to her surprise, he did not)
Sam: (Crying, emotionally) I know they'll be just here for the photo, but... I've been dreaming about this for years. My greatest treasures together... Please don't say something corny or complicated and spoil the moment.
Diane: I won't. (Puts a hand on his shoulder and kisses him on the head)
(...)
(Sam and Diane enter the bar, happy and cheerful)
Diane: Hello, everyone. I've got a little surprise for you. (Raises an envelope in the air)
Carla: (Excited) The divorce papers?!
Diane: No (smiles). It's my first sonogram.
Carla: Who cares about that?
Woody: Can I see it?
(Diane looks at Carla with a smirk as if to say "He cares")
Diane: (Gives him the envelope) Here, Woody.
(Woody takes the envelope, opens it, pulls out the sonogram, looks at Sam and Diane perplexed and dumbfounded, looks at the picture again and hands it to Cliff and Norm as he runs crying to hug them. Diane, upon seeing him, laughs happily. She always found it so sweet to see how sensitive Woody was. When Cliff and Norm see the sonogram, they look at them in surprise)
Norm: Twins?
Diane: Fraternal twins. They're in different sacs.
Cliff: Seeing how their parents are like, I think I'm happy for them, otherwise they'd start competing before they were born.
Carla: You better start ordering some formula. You won't be able to feed two with that small body, not even in your wildest dreams.
Diane: The size of the breast is not important. Women like me have been able to produce enough milk to feed two children, and to increase two cups.
Sam: (Happy) I don't know what I've done to have all the good stuff hit me at once (laughs).
(Diane looks at him slightly annoyed)
Woody: I'm sorry to ruin your moment, but can I ask you a favor?
Diane: Sure.
Woody: Kelly had to leave this morning due to family problems and she will be out of town for a few days, and I have rehearsal very early tomorrow morning and I will be finishing very late, could anyone babysit Oakley?
Diane: Sure, we'll do it! Your little boy is adorable, and besides, he'll serve as practice.
Woody: (Relieved) Great, thank you very much. With you two, I know he'll be in good hands.
Carla: Wait a minute, there's something that doesn't add up here. You said Kelly left this morning, and you're here now. Where and with whom did you leave the kid, Woody?
Oakley: (Leaves Sam's office rubbing his eyes) Daddy, I'm hungry.
(Seeing that he brought the boy to the bar, everyone exchanges glances with concern)
(...)
[Malone's house. Nighttime]
(Sam and Diane are in their room reading when Oakley enters, hugging a stuffed animal)
Oakley: Can I sleep with you? I don't like to sleep alone...
(Sam and Diane look at him, this caught them a little off guard)
Diane: (Pulls up the duvet and looks at him with a smile) Sure.
(Happy, the boy climbs onto the bed and places himself in between the two. Sam and Diane look at each other with a smile, put down their books on the nightstand, lie down and cuddle with the little boy)
[Malone's house. Morning]
(Having found the bed empty when he woke up, Sam walks into the kitchen and smiles at the sight of Oakley up on a chair helping Diane make a smoothie. He looked so cute he could not help but think that in a couple of years, it would be his son or daughter helping Diane make breakfast, hopefully she would have even two helpers, though of course, that depended on who they take after)
Sam: Good morning.
Diane: (Turns and looks at him with a smile) Good morning. Breakfast is almost ready, can you take the dishes to the table?
Sam: Sure.
Oakley: (Jumps down from his chair) I'll help you.
(Sam and Diane, seeing that the boy is helping with everything, exchange a tender smile. While the boys take the plates to the table, Diane serves the smoothie)
Sam: What did you make? It smells good.
Diane: Crêpes.
Oakley: With peanut butter and a round fruit that splash a lot of water!
Diane: Flat peaches.
(Sam, seeing what the boy was describing, laughs)
Oakley: And strawberry banana milkshake!
(Diane brings the smoothies next to Sam and the two sit down as the boy climbs up the chair. As Sam tastes everything and Oakley takes a few sips of smoothie, Diane cuts his crêpes to make it easier for him to eat)
Oakley: (Tastes and smiles) Yummy!
Diane: (Smiles) I'm glad you like them.
(Seeing Diane and Oakley, Sam could not help but think about how lonely his life had been the past nine years. The day after they separated on that plane, his first thought upon waking up had been that Diane should have been next to him. They had broken up two other times before that, but all three times the result had been the same: he still loved her and she still loved him. Frasier had predicted that long ago. Ironically, in the end his judgments turned out to be much more accurate than those of Dr. Finch-Royce, who, despite being a renowned psychiatrist, had made a mistake with them. Sam looked at Diane again, she looked so happy, and being a mother seemed to come natural to her. Sam was aware that their life was not perfect and that they still needed to work on addressing arguments in a healthy way, but when he remembered how he felt just two and five months ago, he still found it mind blowing that this was real)
(...)
(After breakfast, Sam and Diane take turns cleaning the house and playing with Oakley. First, Sam helps him build a fort while Diane does the dishes and vacuums, and then Diane plays in the fort with Oakley and his stuffed animals while Sam mows the lawn and washes the cars. Playing with the boy, the two were flooded with memories of their own childhood. Kids had that sort of magical power, they took you back in time and allowed you to take a break from the adult world. The day before, it had been Cliff and Norm who had been busy keeping the boy entertained, with board games and that train they used years ago to haul beer around the bar, only this time without alcohol involved. However, the train ended up being a distraction for Sam and Woody, whose inner children were stronger than their sense of responsibility and had to be brought back to reality by Carla and Diane on more than one occasion to keep the bar running. Although not all was bad, the train had attracted the attention of several customers, who soon joined in the fun while enjoying a beer or other drinks, mostly alcoholic)
(...)
(Around 1 p.m., Sam, Diane and little Oakley sit together at the table again, this time to enjoy Fish & Chips with a side of peas while they chat like a family. As soon as they finish, Sam goes out with the boy to teach him how to ride a bike while Diane stays home doing the dishes and getting some things ready for dinner. After a while, Sam comes in with the kid in his arms and Diane, hearing him crying, runs out worried)
Diane: What happened?!
Sam: Just a scratch. Can you hand me the first aid kit?
Diane: Weren't you using protection?
Sam: Of course. What do you think? That I put it on a minute ago so you wouldn't scold me? But that doesn't protect his whole body.
Diane: (Returns to the living room holding the first aid kit and kneels down next to the boy) Where was it?
Oakley: (Shows her his hand, slightly tearful) Here.
Diane: (Passes a cotton ball with disinfectant on it) Done.
(...)
(In the afternoon, after having spent several hours working, Diane comes out to the garden with a tray on which there are three orange ice creams in elegant bowls)
Diane: The snack is ready.
Oakley: (Happy) Ice cream!
Diane: (Laughs) Go wash your hands.
Sam: (Kisses her) Which flavor is it?
Diane: Mango and papaya.
Sam: Mmm... Tropical. Is that coconut on top?
Diane: Yes.
(Oakley comes running in, grabs the ice cream and starts eating. Sam and Diane laugh at the sight of him and Sam goes in to wash his hands while Diane sits down to eat with the boy)
(...)
(A couple of hours later, Diane was working by the window again. The boys had already stopped their cycling lessons and were playing baseball now. Watching Sam play dad melted her heart, but also reassured her. Even though she usually did not trust him completely, when it came to playing with a kid, he was the right person, probably because he was a kid himself, one who was almost 6'3" and closer to 50 than to 5, but a kid anyway. So was Woody, even more so than Sam, and so far, he had been doing pretty well as a parent. Oakley was a healthy, cheerful, happy, smart, well-behaved boy. And Sam had already learned the basics of caring for a few months old or even a newborn baby. When Diane sees them lying on the grass sweaty and exhausted, she smiles as if she is up to something and walks over to the bookshelf. In less than two minutes, she was soaking them both with water guns)
Sam: Hey, that's not fair! We need guns too!
(Diane, who had the rules of the game in mind from the beginning, throws Sam two guns and he hands one to Oakley. In a few seconds, jets start shooting in all directions and their clothes get wetter and wetter)
(...)
(After a long time playing in the garden, in which they had filled the guns several times with the hose, the three of them enter the house laughing)
Sam: I think we need a good shower.
Diane: How about you take care of the kid while I take a quick shower?
Oakley: (Runs into the bedroom) I'm gonna get my toys!
Sam: (Laughs) Well, I don't think we're doing too bad.
Diane: A toddler is not as challenging as a baby, especially since their way of communicating is the same as ours, spoken language, and while they require the same supervision, they are not completely dependent on their parents or any other responsible adult in their care.
Sam: In short, taking care of a child is easier than taking care of a baby.
Diane: Yes, at least as long as the child is not sick or injured.
Oakley: (Comes running in) I've got my toys!
Sam: (Running off as if to chase after him in a cartoon villain voice) Now all that's left is for the tentacle monster to catch you and take you to his lair!
(Hearing Sam, Oakley runs screaming to the bathroom and Diane laughs)
(...)
(In the evening, the three of them dine on homemade Mediterranean-style pizza with vegetables, black olives and feta cheese while watching a cartoon movie)
(...)
(At night, after having finished folding laundry, Diane enters the bedroom to go to bed and finds Sam hugging Oakley with a book in his hand, both sound asleep. Carefully, she takes the book from Sam's hand and, seeing that he did not even get halfway through, laughs. Although on other occasions her thoughts would have been centered on Sam's inconsistent reading habits, this time she assumed it had been due to tiredness. Even Sam would not have fallen asleep with a children's book. After all, back in '83 he had read War and Peace for her, and these past few days he had been reading books about babies, parenting and many other child-related topics. Without giving the matter any more thought, Diane put the book down on the bedside table, gave Sam a gentle kiss on the cheek and went to bed, hugging Sam and little Oakley. It had been a fun, reassuring and enriching experience. Although they had to take a day off from work, they had no regrets. They would take care of Oakley again and also of his little brother or sister if needed. But above all, they were happy to know that this would be their day-to-day life in just a few years. They had made the right decision)