This story idea deserves a bit of a trigger warning. It contains a character death.
It is set after the church, but the events that followed did not happen.
The world was cruel, and it liked to play cruel games with me.
I met the man I loved, finally got to a place where he didn't deny the two of us of our love, lost him, and then got it him back. All to have him tell me that his love had faded.
Met an amazing guy who wanted more, we tried to make it work, only for it to end awkwardly.
Having the only stable relationship your whole life become strained over a man.
As I said, the world was cruel.
But now, it was just unfathomably cruel.
The one thing I had dreamed of as a kid finally happened; I had a real relationship with both of my parents. A healthy, stable, happy, almost loving relationship with my parents.
And now my mom is dead.
It was hard to comprehend. It was hard to think as the famous, goddess like, strong, fearless, Guardian Janine Hathaway was dead. And I couldn't feel a damn thing. Because I was numb to the point that my teeth were numb. My teeth, my face, my hands, my heart; everything was numb.
I couldn't even begin to process the idea. Abe seemed to take the loss better than me, but he had a stronger mask than I did. We had each other to lean on, and I couldn't even lean on him because I couldn't feel anything.
At least being numb meant it didn't bother me that everyone starred at me when they saw me. The legacy of Guardian Hathaway, and I couldn't even measure up to her. And I think a small part of me that wasn't numb, was sad that I would never be the Guardian she was.
But an upside of being the center of everyone's pity was that I got lots booze from the bartender in front of me. A lot of booze. Enough that would put me on par with Adrian.
"How about something to eat? Huh? I can get Mark to put on an order of those onions rings you like so much," Joe said as he rested his hands against the bar.
I looked up from the shot glass between my fingers, blinking at him for a minute.
"Um. Sure, thanks," I said quietly, twisting the glass between my fingers.
Joe nodded his head and headed towards the kitchen door, poking his head in. This was the only Dhampir only bar in court, and it was surprisingly empty for being nighttime. But it was also a Wednesday night.
Another glass was set in front of me, more like a tumbler than a shot glass.
"I think you might like this," Joe said as he pushed it towards me. I nodded and switched the glasses, looking down at the golden colour. Whiskey.
"What are the chances this is Oban?" I asked as I started down at the drink.
"It is. I always kept a bottle here, just in case," Joe replied cautiously.
In the nine months of being at court and building my relationship with my parents, I had seen this bottle presented a few times at Abe's house. It was the only think my mom would drink when she let her hair down, so to speak.
It wasn't something I drank because the taste was so potent, but whatever.
"Slàinte Mhath," I said quietly, repeating the phrase Mom used to say every time she had a drank.
To good health. What a joke.
"Slàinte," Joe replied.
I brought the glass to my lips and took a slip, grimacing slightly at the burn in the back of my throat. I sniffed as I scrolled through my phone blindly, looking at all the happiness on my timelines and feeds. At least other people didn't feel nothing.
I could feel slight poking through the bond, but from the gossip around court, I already knew the cause of excitement. Lissa and Christian's relationship had gotten better over the last few months. Which means I'm not surprised that Lissa hadn't reached out to me this week.
Eddie made an effort, but our relationship was strained too. Not only did I tank my career with going to Vegas with Lissa, I tanked his too. But at least I could count on him if I really needed an ear. Adrian was out of town, apparently going to some event on Tatiana's request.
I snapped out of my musing when the stool next to me scrapped against the ground. I fumbled my glass and it thumped against the bar top.
"Beer?"
"Yes please."
I pursed my lips when the person beside me spoke. I didn't need this too.
I didn't dare peak at him, but instead I took another sip of my glass. I think I'd rather feel the numbness of my mom's passing instead of what I feel when I think about him.
But again. The world, or the universe, or whatever, was an asshole.
"Rose," Dimitri said politely.
I nodded and took another drink, taking a bigger gulp before setting it down and pushing it towards Joe's side of the bar.
"I heard. I'm very sorry," Dimitri said gently, tipping his head in a way that I could see him in my peripheral.
"Um. Thank you," I said awkwardly. He wasn't the first person to give their sympathies or condolences, but I didn't except him to. I mean, if I was anyone else, I wouldn't be surprised, but me. I'm surprised he even sat next to me.
Joe set pint of beer down in front of Dimitri and my plate of onion rings, spicy mayonnaise on the side. And ever though that was my favourite food lately, even these didn't spark any kind of joy. I picked at one and put it in my mouth, chewing it slowly.
It felt weird sitting next to Dimitri. I had wanted to be able to sit down and have a drink together, or hang out and get food together, but now it just felt forced and empty. But maybe the empty feeling was just me.
"How are you doing?" Dimitri asked after he took a drink from his glass, breaking the silence.
"I'm fine."
"Rose, I know you a little better than that. You aren't fine; you're sitting in a bar right now. So, please tell me the truth," Dimitri said turning to look at me.
Those words were the perfect thing to set me off. Whether it was because it pissed me off, or it was just that he was the only person who asked me if I was okay and didn't believe that I was 'fine'.
"You know, I could've handled this if she died at the hands of a Strigoi. But she fucking tripped, fell down the stairs and hit her head. A fall," I exclaimed, turning to face him boldly before I trailed off. The cause of her death was being kept quiet, but there were a few people who did know the truth.
"A fucking bunched up rug took her from me," I said quietly, feeling the first bit of emotion since I found out. I felt a flicker of pain and despair.
"Unexpected is harder to grieve when you expect something different," Dimitri sympathized. I breathed noisily through my nose. I hated that he still knew me so well, he could see right through me. No matter how much I tried.
"I just wish the universe would spot playing this big cosmic joke on me," I said pathetically, twisting the glass between my hands again.
"I don't think it's playing a joke on you."
I snorted and took a gulp from my glass. "Seriously? I have effectively destroyed four relationships in the past few months, only for the one good thing to me in years to be shattered in front of me. Don't tell me the universe isn't playing me."
I noticed the error in my words once I said then, grimacing a little. "Well, not the only good thing," I corrected glumly. What we had was good, even if we didn't have it anymore.
"You haven't destroyed those relationships," Dimitri tried to assure me, but I narrowed my eyes at him.
"Really?" I asked, "You've barely spoken two words to me unless absolutely necessary, Lissa barely acknowledges I exist, Eddie and I are nowhere near as close as we used to, and Adrian doesn't speak to me. I think those relationships count."
That wasn't exactly fair for me to say. After what happened in the church, I started avoiding him if I could. I couldn't bare the idea of seeing him and have him look away or tell me to go. I couldn't do it. I also couldn't listen to Lissa's internal or external monologue about how I should leave him alone. I had learned my lesson.
I finished the last of my drink before pushing it towards Joe again.
"I think you've had enough," Dimitri said pulling the glass towards him.
"Don't tell me what to do," I snapped back, but Joe nodded in agreeance.
"C'mon Rose, you're not even old enough to drink. I could get in a lot of shit for letting you drink in here," Joe said firmly, frowning slightly.
I sighed and picked up my phone and my bag, sliding on my stool. I lost my balance for a moment, and Dimitri gripped on my elbow to steady me, but I yanked away from him. I pulled my wallet out but Joe shook his head.
"Don't worry about it," he said but I raised my brows at him.
"You sure?"
"Yeah. Just get home. Safely," Joe said before giving Dimitri a pointed look. I huffed and walked towards the door, trying very hard not to stumble as I went. The last thing I needed was people seeing Janine Hathaway's disappointment daughter stumbling drunk from a bar the day before her funeral.
I winced at the sun as I stepped out, but it dawned on me quickly that it was much later than I anticipated. The sun was high in the sky, bearing down on me.
The door opened and closed behind me and I scowled. I guess he was going to take what Joe said seriously. Which now meant I had a babysitter.
"You don't need to watch me." I grumbled as I started walking. Dimitri's long stride helped him keep up with my not so straight walking.
"I'm not. I'm just making sure you get home safe."
I rolled my eyes and tossed my hair over my shoulder as I thumped across the quiet grounds.
"I'm fine!"
"Then walking you home won't be an issue for you. Humour me then," Dimitri said from behind me, but his voice was still close to me.
Humour him? Was he serious? Maybe smack the shit out of him.
Eventually his stride caught up with mine and he walked beside me instead of behind me. I tightened my crossed arms over my chest and looked at him out of the corner of my eye. I didn't look at him often when I was around him, but out here in the sun, I couldn't pass up the opportunity. Seeing him in the sun, tanned skin, bottomless brown eyes, hair loose from the hair tie, I could see the man I knew before.
The man that loved me.
I looked back ahead of me and breathed a sigh of relief when I came to a stop at my door, thankful that it was on the ground floor and I could escape. But again, the world wanted to be an ass.
I raised my brows at him as he stood beside me. "Well, I'm home. You can go."
"Safe means inside and asleep without choking on your own vomit," he said bluntly, his hands slipping into the pockets of his duster.
"Just drink a few glasses of water and I'll leave."
I rolled my eyes and walked in, leaving the door open behind me. I was so over tonight already.
"Don't mind the mess. I wasn't expecting guests," I said as I dumped my bag on the floor and thumped to the kitchenette in hopes for finding a bag of chips. I Didn't pay much attention to Dimitri, but he made his presence known when he pulled the bag that was too far out of my reach on the shelf.
I flicked my eyes up to him before taking the bag from him and opened it, stuffing a few chips in my mouth. I walked past him and plopped down on the edge of my bed, toing my shoes off and kicked them under my bed.
I narrowed my eyes and watched Dimitri in my small apartment. He made it seem even smaller as he leaned against the counter. I huffed and looked back at my bag of chips. I was starting to feel heavy and it felt like the world was fuzzy and too focused.
There was a coldness setting in. I remembered what the feeling was; I had felt it after Mason had died. The realization hit me so hard that for a moment I forgot how to breathe. Tightness crept into my chest and the center of my palm started to sting, something that I usually only felt when I was on my way for a full blown meltdown.
"Here."
I flinched back when Dimitri's face appeared in front of mine, crouched down so that he was at my level. I looked down and found that he was holding a large glass of water. I took it and robotically sipped it. It was cold but as soon as the first drop touched my lips, I couldn't stop. I drained the glass so quickly that I gasped for air after I pulled it away.
"Want another?" Dimitri asked, his lips quirking up at the sides. I assumed he thought I was amusing. I nodded my head. I sighed and set the bag of chips on the bed beside me, looking down at my fingers in my lap. I could feel the feels building and rolling inside of me, and it felt like a geyser ready to burst. I felt like a coke bottle with a mento in it.
"Breathe," Dimitri told me. I took a quick gasp of air, not realizing that I was getting so wound up that I stopped breathing. I nodded and took another breathing, running my hand through my hair.
"Talk to me. Tell me how you feel. It will help," he said softly as he handed me the glass.
I looked at him as I took the glass from him, thinking about how exactly I was feeling. How did I even begin to explain how I felt. I felt angry, and upset, and like it wasn't real. Because to me it wasn't real yet. I had only spoken to her a few hours before she fell.
"I just," I started before biting my lip, "it's not fair," I whimpered. It seemed like the booze had broken through the numbness.
"I know," Dimitri said softly.
The one person who had comforted me when I finally broke when Mason died wasn't here. The person that I wanted to comfort me, hold me, tell me that everything was okay to be okay was the person I was mourning over.
"I just want my mom," I sobbed, letting the flood gates burst. It was like a tidal wave. "God, I don't even remember what the last thing I said to her was."
Dimitri nodded and let me get it off my chest. He was so close that I could see the fleck of different shades of brown in his eyes. I momentarily felt bad for him, since I just ate half a bag of chips, drank enough to knock an elephant and the greasiest onion rings ever. My breath must of smelled horrible, but he didn't make any indication that it bothered him.
I wrapped my arms around my waist and squeezed tightly, sucking in breathes between my tears. Dimitri got up and sat down beside me, close enough that I could lean against him.
"How did you deal with it? The pain? When Ivan died?" How did the steel-made Guardian Belikov get through the pain without breaking?
Dimitri sighed and carefully wrapped his arm around my shoulder. "It comes in waves, the pain. It's like a wave. Sometimes it goes away for a few days, and then it feels like it's crashing down around you and you think you're going to drown in it. But the days will turn into weeks, and then months, and at some point, it doesn't ache so much. Eventually, it doesn't hurt like this anymore. It'll just be a flicker for a minute, and then it's gone," he said rubbing his hand over my shoulder, resting his cheek against my head.
"It just takes time," he said quietly.
I shuddered trying to hold back the sob that built up in my chest, so I turned my face into his chest. It would probably come back to bite me in the ass in the morning, but at least I could stifle the noise.
Dimitri's other arm came around me and held me tightly, letting me sob into his shirt. It felt a bit better to cry, to get some of the grief that was bottled up inside me out. The feeling of the soft cotton of his shirt was sharp against my raw cheeks, but I didn't want to move. I just wanted to cry until it was all gone, I wanted the overwhelming pain I was feeling now to be gone. I heard lyrics in songs about crying so hard that you choked, but I didn't think that was something you could do. But the intensity and force of these tears did exactly that.
I wanted to be numb again. I couldn't handle the feeling I had now.
"Let's get you into bed," Dimitri said softly, almost like he was trying to soothe a child. At this point I was too far gone to be offended. I pulled up and noticed that large wet mark on his shirt and frowned. But looking up at him, he didn't seem to be concerned about it. His eyes were soft and warm as was the finger he used to move some of my stuck to my cheek. I sighed and got up and rubbed my face. I pulled my clothes out of the drawer and then shuffled into the bathroom. I tried to pull my pajamas on, but stumbled around as I tried to pull my shirt over my head. Apparently, lose of sigh didn't work with balance and booze.
"Are you alright?"
"I'm fine," I mumbled as I struggled with my shirt, bumping into the door. I couldn't get it over my head. Did the shirt shrink in the wash?
"Rose? I'm opening the door."
I huffed and turned towards the door with my arms awkwardly hanging out of the sleeves. At least the hem of my shirt comes down to my bellybutton, I thought to myself. I could hear Dimitri stifle his chuckle as his hands gripped onto my arm.
"It might help if you put your arms in the right holes, Rose," he said as he gently guided my one arm out and then into a different hole in my shirt. After than he adjusted the shirt and gently pulled it down over my head.
"There you are," he said with a smirk. I poked my tongue out at him before I reached for my face wipes and haphazardly wiped my face. I tossed the wipe into the trash and wandered out to my room. I prayed that I wouldn't remember this in the morning. I had a hard enough day ahead of me, I didn't want to deal with the awkwardness of having to remember sobbing into my ex-boyfriend's, or whatever he was, shirt.
I climbed onto my bed and curled up on my side, tucking my arm under my pillow. I glanced at the clock and frowned. Only six hours until I had to face the cold hard light of day.
"I don't want to do this alone tomorrow," I sniffed through my trembling breath. Because I would be going into it alone. I mean, Abe will be there, but he was all I had, and then he'd be leaving again.
Dimitri sat on the edge of the bed and pulled the blanket up to my shoulders, smoothing it down. "You won't be alone. I promise," he whispered. I nodded and sighed, pressing my face into my pillow while the hot tears continued to trickle down my cheeks. Dimitri brushed his thumb over my cheek, collecting the tears in their tracks.
"I'm sorry."
"Why?" he asked furrowing his brows.
"You got stuck taking care of me. It's probably the last thing you want to do."
"I'm not stuck doing anything. Try to close your eyes, you need as much energy as you can get tomorrow," he said firmly but not unkindly.
I looked like hell. Absolute, undeniable hell.
There wasn't enough makeup to cover the dark circles under my eyes, but I didn't look as bad as I did before I showered.
Despite the protocol as a Guardian, I didn't wear my uniform. Today I wasn't Guardian Hathaway Jr., I was Rosemarie Hathaway, daughter of the woman we were holding a service for. It felt weird wearing a dress, but it was better than being in a stiff uniform.
I worked a little bit of product into my hair in the hope to tame my curls when there was a knock on the door. I glanced at the clock and noted that Abe was earlier than he said he would be. I wiped my hands on the towel I used and headed to the door.
I opened the door to find a man much taller than Abe on the other side.
"Hi. What are you doing here?" I asked, gnawing on the corner of my lip.
Dimitri gave me a tight smile. "You said that you didn't want to do this alone. I was going to the funeral regardless, but I think you need someone today."
I sighed and nodded my head, stepping aside so he could come in. I could at least appreciate that there was a part of him that was the man I met. The kind-hearted man that would take my side when I needed it, or stand by me. I winced at the state of my room, knowing that Dimitri was a neat freak, and it was weird seeing him stand in the middle of my mess. But then again, he had seen it last night too. Dimitri turned to face me, hands tucked into his pockets. It was strange seeing him without his duster on, much less a suit.
"Go finish getting ready," he said, "I'll be here."
I nodded and turned back into the bathroom, rushing through finishing up so that he wasn't standing awkwardly in my room. I held my nazar in my hands and let out a shaky breath. The only gift I had received from her. I reached up and fastened it around my neck, adjusting it so it laid nicely against my chest.
I deemed myself somewhat decent and walked out, finding Dimitri relaxing on the small couch I had. I noticed that the towels and clothes I had left dumped on the floor had been picked up, the empty water bottles on my nightstand had been tossed, and the bedsheets and blanket had been straightened.
"You didn't need to do that," I said shifting from one foot to another.
"I don't know what you're talking about," he said as his eyes landed on me, "you look pretty."
I scoffed and looked down at my dress and black nylon-covered feet before looking back at him. It felt strange being in a dress after getting so used to being in my uniform. A dress, nylons and heels seemed so foreign.
"Thanks. I… I'm sorry about last night. I was a mess and drunk," I said embarrassed but he just shook his head.
"Rose, I went looking for you. I went looking for you at Joe's. I wanted to be there, don't apologize."
"Why?"
Dimitri stood up and came to stand in front of me, looking down at me. "Maybe once things have settled, you and I can sit down and talk?"
"Talk?"
"Yeah. You and me sitting down with a cup of coffee and talking," he said, "there are some things I need to say, and I should have told you sooner."
I tried my hardest not to let the slight flicker of fear and uncertainty cross my face. I don't think I could handle a conversation about going back to not speaking. I don't I could handle that right now. I nodded and closed my eyes, trying to put myself in a place where I could keep my mask up.
There was another knock on the door and that mask shattered before it could go up. I opened my eyes and looked at up Dimitri, a tear slipping out the corner of my eye. It was time.
Dimitri nodded at me and pulled me into a gentle hug, holding me for a second before pulling away. I wiped my face with my hand and turned away to open the door.
There were so many people here. So many, that I faltered and stumbled back into Dimitri. I had never seen so many Guardians in a room before, and I spotted Lord Szelsky and his wife near the front. There was even a handful of Moroi in the church too.
"You can do this," Dimitri whispered in my ear, his fingers resting on my wrist. "You can do this. Just one foot in front of the other."
I took in a slow breath and nodded, looking up at Abe. He looked down at me, his eyes the only part of him that gave away any sign of the pain he might be in. His brown eyes met mine and took my hand, giving it a squeeze in reassurance. He was waiting for me to be ready. I nodded and peeked back at Dimitri, finding him looking back at me.
I took a hesitant step forward, which propelled Abe forward as he led me down the aisle, coming to a stop at the front pew. He let Dimitri into the pew first and then gestured me in as well. There was a woman in the pew already, but she looked familiar. She looked over towards us and seemed to freeze a bit before her eyes landed on Abe. A soft look took over and she gave us a small, sad smile. We sat down in the pew, and I took a quick look at the people around me.
Lord Szelsky sat directly behind me, looking as sombre as the rest of us. But I could understand that. My mom was his Guardian for almost her entire adult life. At some point, the two of them must have had a professional relationship that was friendly, right? I continued to look at spotted Lissa and Christian further down the pew, Eddie and Mia seated there as well. Eddie turned his head enough to look at me and he gave me a kind look.
I turned back to the front and sort of put myself onto autopilot. I heard the sermon, and I heard the priest lead everyone in prayer, but it seemed so odd to me. It didn't surprise me that my mother was religious to some extent, but the whole thing felt like it was a dream. Guardian Croft stood up and gave a speech about how she was an amazing Guardian, and how she was a good colleague that would be dearly missed. Lord Szelsky got up and said a bit as well, which seemed to surprise a lot of people in the room.
But Abe wasn't surprised.
Lord Szelsky told everyone about a side of my mother that many didn't see. The side of her that had a quick sense of humour, who had an obscene obsession for toffee, how she was a good friend to him and his wife. He talked about how she often praised me for my accomplishments, which made me choke up. Over the last few months, she had told me that she was proud of the person I'd become. Sure there were decisions I had made that she didn't agree with, but she said that my potential was being wasted in the filing room. She told me that I reminded her of herself one night after a few whiskeys with Abe, but I had chalked it up to the alcohol talking.
"Janine Hathaway was more than a Guardian. She was a pioneer. And in fact, there are many decisions I have made in my life with the guidance of my dear friend," Lord Szelksy said near the end, nodding to himself at the podium. I let my eyes drift to the casket that was behind him and then to the picture beside it. I was there when the picture was taken. It was one of the very few days that me, her and Abe went out of Court and did something together. It was a baseball game, of all things. But she looked happy, and that's the way I wanted to remember her.
After that Abe got up and I didn't think I'd be able to get through it. I don't think I could listen to my dad, who I think knew my mom better than anyone else in this room, give a eulogy.
I could feel myself getting worked up when a warm hand rested on my shoulder. From the position, I realized it was Lord Szelksy. Another hand rested over mine that were clasped in my lap. I slipped one of my hands out from under it and gripped it tightly. But Dimitri didn't pull away, he just gripped my hand back.
There were a lot of people who approached me at the end, and it reminded me too much of the marking ceremony after Spokane. I stood a little taller when Lord Szelksy approached me, wanting to channel a little bit of the woman he knew for years.
"I'm very sorry for your loss, Rosemarie. Your mother was a wonderful woman," he sympathized.
"Thank you."
"You should know that she thought of you often. And I know that you will make your mother proud," he added, resting his hand on my shoulder. I didn't know how to respond so I just nodded my head. IT felt like a blur as people came up to Abe and me, but it became clear that this wasn't a traditional Guardian funeral. This was something that Abe had planned from the woman, not the Guardian.
There was one person in particular that made my resolve waiver.
"It's okay," Alberta said as she wrapped her arms around me. I tucked my face into her shoulder and let myself have a moment, wrapped safely in her private embrace.
Seeing her was a surprise and a blessing. The woman who knew me my entire life was here on the hardest day. I needed the person who was in my corner my whole life, regardless of the pranks and the trouble. I needed my second mother.
"You can cry, Rose. Nobody expects you to be a Guardian today," she whispered in my ear. I nodded and tightened my grip around her waist, holding on for life. Alberta held me as long as I needed her to, running her hand over my back. When I finally pulled my head from her shoulder I realized that we were relatively alone, people had given us space. I spotted Dimitri sitting a few feet away with Eddie, speaking with him but his eyes moved to me every so often.
"Who is that? Do you know?" I asked, tilting my head towards the red-haired woman speaking with Abe.
Alberta frowned but nodded her head. "That's Margaret. Janine's older sister. Margaret left home when she was sixteen. She's been living in the human world," Alberta explained in a hushed voice. I furrowed my brows and turned to look at the woman, Margaret.
"I never knew," I sighed.
"Not many do. Janine was only eight when she left. Janine didn't make contact with Margaret until she was in her late twenties."
"She didn't know her sister until after she had me?"
"Janine's mother practically made it a law not to contact Margaret. She was livid that Margaret didn't want to become a Guardian," Alberta said, "where do you think your mother got her familial problems from?"
I scoffed a laugh, an actual laugh that felt inappropriate.
"Speaking of your mother. Did I ever tell you that I told her about the prank you pulled on Alto when you were in the eighth grade?" Alberta said as she led me to a pew, sitting down.
"Which prank? There were a lot of them?"
A smirk crossed her face. "I mean the time that you filled Alto's room with crickets."
I shook my head. "Oh god. I'm sure she was pissed about that."
"No," Alberta said, "she actually laughed. She laughed so hard that she cried. She laughed because she did something similar when she was the same age, and wondered where you got that many crickets. Despite how out of line some of your pranks were, once she got over being annoyed, she thought they were funny. Just like the rest of us."
A small, sad smile crossed my lips. I guess she knew more about my life than I thought she did.
"Thank you. I really needed that," I said quietly.
"I saw that Lissa came and talked to you," Eddie said as he loosened his tie. I sighed and ran my hand through my hair.
"Yeah. It was kind of awkward actually."
"It looked awkward," he said with a tilt of his head. It felt like talking to a stranger. It felt more normal talking to Christian than it did to someone who was supposed to be my best friend. It was nice to sit down with Eddie though.
Four more people joined us and I gave Abe a smile when he set a cup down before me.
"Thanks, old man," I said as I cupped it in my hands. I could already smell the rich chocolate in the air.
Abe nodded his head and stroked the back of my head affectionately. "You're welcome."
Alberta and Abe sat down across from me while Dimitri took my other side. I had assumed that he would have stayed for the funeral and went back to how things were before, but the reminder of wanting to talk pushed itself to the front of my mind.
He was silent but his silence was a comfort. He didn't feel the need to ask me if I was okay multiple times today, but simply caught my eyes and waited until I nodded. Abe, Alberta and Eddie started up a conversation amongst themselves about a new brand of stakes that were being trialled, while I leaned back in my chair.
I felt so drained after the long day. I was exhausted emotionally, mentally and physically. So tired that I felt like my head was a bowling ball. Heavy enough that my head dipped down and rested on Dimitri's shoulder. He didn't shake me off but simply shifted his posture so it didn't strain my neck.
"Thank you, for being here today," I said tiredly.
"You don't need to thank me," Dimitri said quietly as he set his coffee down on the table.
"Either way. Thank you, I really needed it."
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a trace of a smile on his face, his hand patting mine in my lap. It felt like it used to. The fear of our impending conversation wasn't there so much now.
"Anything for you, Roza," Dimitri whispered. I don't know if he meant to say it, or intended for me to hear it. But I kept that to myself, tucking it away into a corner of my mind.
Dimitri was right. The pain did come like a wave. The first few days after the funeral were constant tidal wave force, but two weeks later, I didn't feel like I was going to drown.
It helped that the stares and the whispers had died down. My relationship with Eddie had improved over the last few weeks. He had apologized that things had been so terse, and that he felt bad that he should have put more of an effort in.
Adrian was still on the fence but did call me when he finally heard about my mom. He was also sober, which was a nice change.
But now I needed to tackle the big hurtle. I was in a head space where I didn't feel like I was going to fall apart if I had a conversation that upset me.
I blew my hair out of my face as I tapped the door firmly with my foot, not having hands available to do it because I had two hot cups in my hands. I turned back towards the door when it opened, a small smile crossing my face.
"Hey," Dimitri said, a surprised but happy look on his face.
"Hey," I replied, "you said that you wanted to have coffee? And talk?"
"I did."
"Well, it's nice out. Do you want to go for a walk and talk?"
Dimitri's lips quirked and he nodded, stepping back to grab his duster. I winced when the temperature was getting to be too much for my hands, but thankfully Dimitri took his cup from me and I could change the way I was holding it.
We were able to find an area in the main park to sit. It was quiet, but also very public. Public enough that we didn't feel confined, but away from enough people for our conversation to be private. I watched his subtly as I got comfortable, tucking one leg under me as I leaned back on the bench.
"How are you doing?" Dimitri asked first, speaking before I had opened my mouth.
"I'm okay," I said as I played with the lid of my cup. "I feel better, and I'm sleeping better now."
A happy expression grew on his face. My heart fluttered a little bit at the look, but I beat it away. I couldn't feel that kind of feeling right now.
"Thank you for checking on me. It meant a lot," I added, giving him a small smile.
"I'm glad I could help," he replied while returning my smile.
I nodded and looked down at my cup again, wanting to ask him what he wanted to talk about, but didn't want to rush it or seem rude.
I opened my mouth and started to speak at the same time he did, which just made me chuckle.
"Sorry, you first," Dimitri said but I just waved my hand.
"I was just going to ask what it was you wanted to talk about."
Dimitri chuckled with a slight shake of his head. "Still right to the point."
I rolled my eyes but turned my body more on the bench so I could face him.
"Do you remember when I told you that the pain comes in waves?"
I swallowed my mouthful of my drink and nodded my head. "Yeah."
"Well, guilt come in the same way."
"Okay?"
"When I came back, I felt a lot of guilt. So much guilt, that I felt like I was going to suffocate in it. Guilt for the things I did, the people I had hurt, you, for what I did to Lissa. I felt a lot of guilt."
"Dimitri, I told you that I forgave you for what happened," I said, resting my hand on his arm.
"I know," he said with a small nod, "I know that you did. And I'm thankful for that. But I need you to understand, I felt like being around you was just going to hurt you. I have hurt you over, and over, and over. And when I came back I, I was so scared that I was going to keep hurting you."
I set my cup down on the ground as I looked at him. I knew that he had more to say, but he needed to say it in his own time. When he was silent for a longer period of time than I anticipate, I carefully approached.
"So, you thought that pushing me away would protect me?"
A pained look crossed his face. "Yes."
"You thought that if I was with someone else, I'd be safer? Happier?"
Dimitri looked down at his hands and nodded.
"That wasn't your decision to make," I said a little firmer than I meant to, wincing when he winced.
"I know. But like I said, I felt like my guilt was suffocating me. I thought I was protecting you," he said pleadingly, still looking at his hands.
"And I just wanted to help you heal," I said gently. Dimitri looked up and found my gaze, the mask that I was so used to seeing was gone. In its place was raw, vulnerable Dimitri.
"I realized that too late. I realized all of it too late," he said quietly. I frowned and I watched him fight with himself internally.
"So where does that leave us?"
I watched confusion cross his features, his brows furrowing before he looked at me.
"What do you mean?"
I scoffed a laugh. "I mean, where do we go from here."
"I expected yelling," he said honestly.
"Yeah, well that still may happen," I said picking up my cup from the ground and finished it.
"Look. If you want to be friends again, great, but I'm going to be pissed at you for a little. Because I am pissed. You made a decision about my life, about our lives together without consulting me first. You didn't even talk to me, you just pushed me away. You shot me down and said things that you knew would hurt me" I said looking at him directly, holding his gaze. I was angry, but completely at him. I was mad that he pushed me away, mad that we had spent months avoiding each other and not speaking to each other. I was mad that I had spent months without someone I thought was my best friend.
But at the same time, I wasn't mad at him. He was in agony, riddled with guilt because of the trauma he endured. He was victim to the monster that wore his face, and he was victim to the guilt he felt. My heart hurt for him that he felt being alone was safer for the people around him than letting the people who loved him be there for him to lean on, to grieve with, to have them hold him when he hit rock bottom because of his own mind.
"But I'm still willing to give you a chance. Because I'd rather have you as my friend than nothing at all."
There was a flash of hurt in his eyes, but he nodded. "Having you in my life as my friend is the best I could ask for," he said, but he seemed a little dejected.
"Well, as my friend, you need to buy the next round because I need more caffeine," I said with a smirk as I crumpled my cup up and tossed it into the garbage can a few feet away. I smirked to myself when it landed in the taste and turned back to make a remark to Dimitri, but it died in my throat at the look on his face.
It was admiration.
"As you wish, Roza. I'm surprised you didn't demand a donut too."
"Oh, the donut was implied," I said as I crossed my arms over my chest and smirked at him. Dimitri smiled and got up, extended his hand out to me.
"C'mon, lets go get more."
I took it and got up, trailing after him. We got halfway to the coffee shop before Dimitri stopped and turned to me, making me bump into him.
"Rose, I," Dimitri started before stalling.
"What?"
Dimitri looked conflicted before he spoke. "I missed you and I'm sorry I hurt you."
I had hoped other words would have come out of his mouth, but I would accept those.
"I missed you too," I said with a quirk of my lips.
This was rough edit, if it's garbled I'm sorry.
Let me know what you think.