AU where the queen isn't murdered and Dimitri is reinstated as Lissa's Head Guardian. Rose is also one of Lissa'a Guardian too.

I should have been sleeping, but I couldn't. There was just something about a storm that made me want to stay awake and watch it.

The view from the house Lissa purchased near campus was perfect. There was a room on the upper level that we used as a common space. It was mostly for studying, but there was a TV and gaming system in there too. There was even a Keurig and a mini fridge in there, courtesy of Christian. He deemed that in the throws of studying, we shouldn't have to go all the way downstairs for more coffee. The room also had a large window that had a ledge just big enough to sit on.

We all knew there was going to be a storm, so Lissa and Christian both wore earplugs to bed, but the rest of us were extra vigilant. It was prime time for Strigoi attacks. But while I wasn't on duty tonight, I was still up. When the storm started I slipped out of bed and went into the common room, curling up on the ledge.

I knew it wasn't the smartest thing to do, but there was something about the chaos in the sky that calmed the chaos inside of me. It had been a hard year, if I was going to be honest. When Lissa had told me that while I was going to be one of her Guardians, she told me that Dimitri was also going to be reinstated as her Guardian too. I wanted to fight against it, but knew better than to do it. I was on thin ice, and Dimitri really didn't have many choices. Lissa was his advocate, and if I fought against it, it would cause questions about his status.

So I had to live with the man who made it abundantly clear that he wanted no form of relationship with me. No friendship, no nothing. I was nothing but a stranger to him now. And it hurt if I was being perfectly honest. It hurt to see him and know that a part of him held disdain towards me. But I kept quiet and to myself. There were three other Guardians in the house, two for Christian and the third for Lissa. They were all professional and kind, but they didn't make much effort to get to know me. They knew Dimitri to an extent but didn't engage with me much.

I felt a little alone to be honest. I only had Lissa to talk to, but if she wasn't in class or studying, she was spending time with Christian. I spent a lot of time studying or training. Christian's Guardian, Jace Stevens would train with me occasionally and was friendly, but he was the only one.

I rested my forehead against the cool glass and watched the rain run down in streaks. The thunder rumbled quietly and the lightning danced across the sky, casting shadows over everything in sight. The term was almost over and I was counting down the days. I was counting the days where I could sleep in my own room, away from everyone else. I missed Eddie but knew that even if I went back to Court, it wouldn't mend our relationship. My relationship ended with Adrian before I left for Lehigh. It wasn't fair to keep pulling him along, and I knew that I couldn't love him the way that he loved me.

The door creaked behind me and I lifted my head up, turning to see who it was, and immediately regretted it. Dimitri stood at the door, his hands tucked into his pockets.

"I figured if you weren't in your room, you'd be in here," he said leaning against the door jam.

"What?"

Dimitri jerked his chin up towards the window. "The storm. You never stay in your room when there's a storm," he said.

I nodded with a small shrug, turning to look back out the window. Eight months of not saying a word to me unless it was related to guarding, and tonight he talks to me? I heard him move from the frame and I kept my eyes on the outside, but I could see him sit down by my feet.

I flinched back when a bolt of lightning cracked through the sky, making a blinding flash. It illuminated the room as if someone had flipped a switch on the light. I blinked a few times to adjust my eyes again, but I could still see him sitting there.

"Was there something you needed?" I asked, hoping that I could answer whatever question he might have and be left alone again.

"There has been some concern that has been brought to my attention," he said quietly, shifting on the ledge.

"About?"

"About you."

I screwed my lips up and kept my eyes on the sky. "What about me?"

"About your mental health," Dimitri said and I rolled my eyes with a slight shake of my head.

"What does that matter to you?"

Dimitri was quiet for a moment and folded his hands on his lap. I stole a glance out of the corner of my eye before looking back outside.

"It matters because I am in charge of this group. And more than one person has noticed that you have become withdrawn," Dimitri said and I snorted a laugh.

"You're here because I might make you look bad," I said turning towards him, blowing a breath out through my nose.

"No. I'm here because I'm concerned."

"You weren't so concerned when I actually needed someone to talk to. So why would I talk now?"

Dimitri's face was hard to read, but his nostrils flared the slightest bit and his jaw tightened.

"Who says I wasn't concerned?"

I let out a dry laugh and shook my head. "Really? Do I really need to remind you of what happened? Or has getting everything you cared about back wiped your memory too?"

I saw his jaw clench and looked back out the window. "I don't want to talk to you. Because I have nothing to say to you that would be beneficial."

"Why?"

"Because it doesn't matter what I say. You made it clear that you didn't want me in your life. You got what you wanted. I'm not a part of your life. I keep to myself, I don't talk to you, I don't seek you out. Talking to you would only lead to more issues."

"The only thing I can tell you is that I systematically ruined every single person's life that I'm involved in. Everything I touch, gets destroyed."

"You don't really believe that do you?" he asked.

I pressed my tongue against my teeth and clenched my jaw. "It's not that hard to believe."

"Rose," Dimitri said and I shook my head, sniffing quietly.

"Honestly. Yours was the first one."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because you would have been better off if you just let Kirova expel me. You wouldn't have had to spend hours mentoring me, and you wouldn't have grown to care about me. If you never cared about me, nobody would have known about the caves, and you never would have been turned. So I would say, that was a pretty clear ruining of your life," I snapped, my chest heaving as I looked at him.

Dimitri didn't say anything right away. I let my eyes linger on him selfishly for a moment before looking away.

"You think that you're the reason I was turned?"

I shrugged.

"Rose. That wasn't your fault," Dimitri said earnestly, moving forward on the ledge. "You have to believe that. I never ever blamed you for that, and I never would. That wasn't you fault."

I discreetly wiped my face and gritted my teeth.

"Rose. I put myself between you and that Strigoi. They were going for you, and I put myself between you because I couldn't bear the thought. I was turned trying to protect you," Dimitri said while moving in a way that I had to see his face.

I shook my head. "It was still because of me."

Dimitri's hand reached out and cupped my chin, turning it so that I had to look him in the eyes.

"No. It was because I would do anything to keep you safe. That I would do anything to protect you. That was my decision, not yours. And I would do it again."

I bit my lip and let my eyes fall downwards, not able to keep looking at him "Why?"

"Because that's what you for the people you love; you protect them."

"And by protecting me, you're protecting Lissa."

Dimitri frowned and shook his head. "That's not what I meant."

I pulled my head from his hand and looked back outside, letting out a deep breath. My breath floated over the glass, creating a little cloud against the cold surface.

"It doesn't matter. You aren't the only one who's had things become difficult from being involved in my life," I said quietly.

Dimitri sighed and rested his hand on my shoulder. I hated crying in front of people, but talking about this was too much for my weak heart to handle. I let a few tears slip in hopes that it would ease the burn in my eyes and throat.

Dimitri pulled me gently towards him and I let him, moving limply into his arms. I rested my ear over the center of his chest and listened carefully to the sound of his heart beat. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the small bit of physical comfort. It was unexpected, but I wasn't going to say I hated it. I couldn't think of the last time I felt physical comfort or emotional comfort.

I wanted to enjoy the feeling of his arms tightly around me, but at the same time, I didn't want to feel it because I knew that I wouldn't feel it again. I tried not to linger on his words too much, but one thing kept floating through my head.

"What did you mean?"

Dimitri hummed in question.

"When you said 'that's not what I meant', what did you mean?"

I could feel him tense the slightest bit and I pulled back enough to look up at him.

"I care about Lissa, but I don't love her," Dimitri said pulling back, letting go of me. I furrowed my brows at him as he stood up, looking out at the sky as it flashed again. "You should get some sleep. You have class early tomorrow," he said. I let the small pang in my chest fleet by and I nodded, sliding off the ledge and standing up. My legs felt like jello from sitting for so long, and as I walked it eased up a little.

As I passed him Dimitri put his hand on the crook of my elbow, stopping me. "If you want to talk, or vent, you can come to me. I know that I made it seem like I didn't want you in my life, but I am here for you," he said gently. I nodded but didn't know where this was coming from, so I slipped past him and into my room.

I watched Lissa carefully from my spot. We were working in groups and her secondary Guardian, Ellen was sitting in her group. I couldn't really wrap my head around last night's conversation.

"You alright?"

I blinked and looked away from Lissa, looking at my group mate Eryn.

"Yeah. Just got a lot on my mind."

"Want to talk? It might help."

I twirled my pen between my fingers as I thought. "It won't make a lot of sense."

"So? Try me anyway."

I sighed and set my pen down, turning my body towards her so I could speak to her without the rest of the group overhearing.

"One of my roommates is an ex-boyfriend of sorts. And um, we had a falling out during the summer, but he's kind of keeping an eye out for Lissa as a favour to her family. And he said something last night that I don't know how to interpret."

"Which roommate? You've got so many."

"The tall one," I said and I watched a grin cross her face.

"Damn girl!" she exclaimed but gestured for me to go on.

"So long story short, he said something along the lines of you protect the people that you love. And I said yeah, and by protecting me, you're protecting Lissa. And he said that while he cares about Lissa, he doesn't love her. And I just, don't know what to think of that."

Eryn rolled her eyes at me. "You're dense."

"What?"

"He's indirectly telling you that he still loves you, idiot."

"No. He told me months ago that he didn't."

"Okay, and he pretty much told you last night that he did. I mean, he was kind of upfront about it," Eryn said picking up her pen again. I looked at her and knitted my brows together, thinking hard about it. I hadn't even let the thought cross my mind that he would love me since that day in the church. I hadn't even let myself daydream that one day he might love me again.

It was almost cruel to think about it, to entertain the idea.

"Even if he had said in the past that he didn't love me, that he had given up on me?"

Eryn looked up from her paper and frowned. "You're still in love with him, aren't you?"

I frowned and looked down at my paper, becoming more interested in it than the topic at hand. I looked up at Lissa, checking to make sure she was okay. I toyed with the ends of my hair.

"Is it obvious?"

"No. But I have seen you looked at him a few times. I thought that there might have been something there," Eryn said with a small smile. "He could have just lied about it. Not loving you, I mean. Are you going to say anything to him?"

I shrugged. "I have no idea."

Eryn let the topic drop with a small smile and we both turned our attention back to the group assignment. I felt on edge and kept my head down, counting down the minutes until class was over. When the time came, our professor dismissed up. I stuffed my things into my bag and scurried over to Lissa, doing a quick sweep.

"I was going to go and have coffee with Lena, do you want to come?" Lissa asked, giving me a small smile. I glanced at Ellen and shrugged.

"I know that you had a late night. If you'd rather head back to the house, it's cool. We can all go again another time," Ellen offered, interpreting that I didn't want to go and was offering me an out.

"Yeah. Rain check?" I asked Lissa and Lena.

"Yeah! We can go next week," Lena said kindly, giving me a small tire, "You should take the nap route, you look so tired."

If anyone else had told me that, I would have smacked them, but Lena was a sweet girl. She was a year younger than us, graduating high school early and getting into Political Science. She looked similar to Lissa, but had hazel eyes and my height.

"I think I will, might even soak in the bath when I get home," I said with a wave, heading out of the room and out the building. I used the walk home to collect my thoughts and figure out what I would say to Dimitri if I ran into him at home.

When I walked through the door I noticed that there was only one set of keys hanging on the hook. A plain set of keys but distinguished enough. They were Dimitri's. I pulled my key out of the lock and set my keys on the hook.

I deposited my bag on the small seating bench and wandered into the kitchen, following the smell of something cooking on the stove. I came in but found nothing but a big pot on the stove. I pursed my lips and went over, looking into the pot to find some sort of purplish red liquid. It smelled good though.

"You're home early."

I jumped and spun around, turning to face Dimitri.

"Yeah. Lissa went to have coffee with a classmate and Ellen said that it was fine if I went home," I said clasping my fingers together.

Dimitri nodded and came further into the kitchen, lifting the lid off the pot to give the liquid a quick stir. My mouth watered when the full smell hit my senses.

"What is that?"

Dimitri looked at me. "You'll laugh."

"Why?"

"It's borscht," Dimitri said with a smirk. I raised my brows but shrugged. I remembered teasing him about Russia and about the foods there, but i smiled to myself. Olena had made it while I was staying with her, but never knew what it was called. Looking at it, I realized it.

"We have sour cream, right?" I asked and Dimitri nodded. I moved to the fridge and pulled out the tub of sour cream and set it on the counter. Dimitri had put the lid back on the pot as I sat down at the island.

There was nobody else home, and it may have been the only time to bring up the topic without someone overhearing. If I was wrong, I didn't want others to rejection again.

"Last night you said something, and I haven't really been able to stop thinking about it," I said looking down at my fingers.

"Oh?"

"You said that you protect the people you love. That you would have put yourself between me and a Strigoi again to protect me."

Dimitri nodded. "Yes."

"What did you mean by that?"

Dimitri turned to face me, leaning back against the counter. His arms were crossed over his chest as he looked at me and I shifted on my feet.

"I meant that I would protect you."

"That's not what I'm asking. Did you lie to me?" I asked out right, taking the leap.

"Not at the time."

"What does that mean?" I asked with a shake of my head.

Dimitri sighed and moved around the counter and sat down on the chair next to me. I watched him sit but I couldn't read his expression. Dimitri tapped his fingers on the countertop.

"When I told you that I didn't love you, I really believed that."

I raised my brows at him and jutted my head out, waiting for him to elaborate.

"I felt so much guilt after I was restored. I couldn't feel anything except guilt," he explained, his eyes not quite meeting mine.

"Okay," I said.

"I really didn't think I was capable of loving anyone anymore. And I was scared," he said, "I was terrified that I would hurt you again. And I was terrified that I would never be able to earn your trust, or your forgiveness again."

I just starred at him. I couldn't wrap my head around it. All this time, he just let me think that he didn't love me. He knew how much it hurt me and he saw how much it affected me, and he never said a thing.

"I told you that I had forgiven you when you were restored," I said and tried to keep the anger out of my voice. But I was angry. I was angry that he never said anything.

"I thought you were just saying it."

I stood up and turned my back, crossing my arms over my chest. "You thought that I lied to you? That I was telling you that I had forgiven you and still loved you because I thought it would be fun to hurt you?"

Dimitri didn't respond, not even looking up at me.

"You never really knew me then," I said with a scoff and walked past him, climbing the stairs and slammed my door shut.

I didn't come down for dinner and I didn't open the door when Lissa knocked on my door. I was so angry that I wanted to scream. Or throw something. Or scream and throw something at Dimitri's face.

His stupid, perfect face that I wanted to smack and kiss at the same time.

After staying in my room long enough to do all of my homework and stew a bit more, i changed into work out clothes and thumped down the stairs. I passed Jace in the hall and he gave me a look.

"Where you off to?"

"I need to go for a run or I'm not going to be held responsible for my actions," I called out, swiping my keys off the hook. I enjoyed the sound of my feet pounding the pavement, and I loved the burn in my legs. It was a nice distraction, and I was able to burn some of my anger off.

I didn't want to completely blame Dimitri, because I knew that he went through something terrible and detrimental to his mental and emotional health, but I did blame him for hurting me and pushing me away. How long had it been since he realized that he could feel something other than guilt? How long had he been ignoring what he felt while I was only down the hall?

The thoughts spun in my head and I huffed, coming to a stop, leaning over and resting my hands on my knees. I breathed through my nose heavily when I heard running footsteps approach me. I slipped my hand into the pocket of my sweats and wrapped my hand around my stake and spun around.

Seeing a large figure practically on top of me I pulled the stake out, but it was blocked and knocked out of my hand. I wasn't about to let that stop me and I struck out, striking the figure directly in the nose.

Except I realized at the foreign explicit that came from them that they weren't going to hurt me.

"Why the fuck did you sneak up on me?!" I exclaimed, "It's dark out for fuck sakes!"

"I thought you heard me call your name," Dimitri grumbled behind his hands that were cupping his nose. I could almost guarantee that it was broken. I stepped aside to collect my stake and stuck it back in my pocket. I guess I did get the satisfaction of punching him in the face.

"Okay. And why are you here?"

"I wanted to talk to you.

"I think enough was said earlier," I said bluntly as started to walk past him to head back to the house. His hand wrapped around my bicep, and he pulled me back to him.

"I didn't finish telling you what I needed to tell you," Dimitri said. I pulled my arm away from his hand and looked up at him.

"What else is there to say? You lied to me. You knew that what you said hurt me, and all this time, you have watched me cut myself off from the people around me because I felt like I was the cause of the hurt for the people I care about, and you never said anything!" I exclaimed.

"I thought I knew who you were! I have been dwelling on the fact that i lost someone I loved, someone I thought I could go to. I have felt alone all this time," I said, shaking my head at the end.

Dimitri sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "I'm sorry."

I met his eyes. "Sorry isn't good enough. Not this time. If you're sorry, you need to prove that."

I turned and started walking back to the house. I could hear him walking behind me, but he didn't quicken his pace to walk with me. Which was probably for the best because i would have told him to screw off.

"Roza."

I stopped and felt a shiver travel up my spine, starting from the base and all the way to my neck.

"What?"

"If I could do the day I was restored over, I would go to you. I should have gone to you."

I chewed on the corner of my lip for a second before continuing on.

There was a weird feeling that swirled inside me every time I saw Dimitri after that. There was anger, sadness, but there was also longing. The part of me that knew the truth longed for him to just say the words, but at the same time I didn't think he'd ever would.

Nobody mentioned the bloody nose Dimitri had, and while it wasn't broken, his eyes were a little bruised. Did I feel guilty when the initial anger went away, yes. Of course I did. And he left me be for a few days, staying out of my way if possible. But when we were in each other's presence, he was polite.

The term was almost to an end now, exams starting in the morning. I should have been sleeping, but the storm kept me awake. So I did what I always did; I curled up on the ledge in the common room. The storm seemed to be even more aggressive than the last.

The sweater and shorts I had on didn't seem to help with the slight chill from the air conditioner, but it was easy to ignore. The lightening peppered the sky like a strobe light and the thunder rolled loudly. I cupped my mug in my hands, sipping the tea slowly as I watched the sky. It was soothing to see it. I felt like so much was happening and seeing something that was so natural happen felt like like things were going to be okay.

There was a creak of the floorboards just outside of the room and I looked towards the door, having a repeat of a few weeks ago.

"Hi."

Dimitri didn't say anything but came into the room, sinking down on the ledge across from me. I tucked my feet up so he had more room and looked back out to the window.

"I'm sorry about your nose."

"Don't worry about," he said, "I did deserve it."

I shrugged and set my mug down on the table beside me. "You want to talk."

"I do. I want to explain myself. If you'll let me."

I nodded my head and turned to look at him again, the lightening casting shadows over our faces.

"Knowing that I hurt you was hard to deal with. I hated knowing that I hurt you, but I felt that keeping distance between us would keep you safe. I shouldn't have made a choice about your life without speaking to you. I shouldn't have pushed you away, and I shouldn't have waited this long to tell you."

I took a slow breath and licked my lips. "You're right. You shouldn't have."

Dimitri titled his head to rest it against the glass, watching the storm too.

"Do you still?"

Dimitri's brows knitted together. "What?"

"Feel it."

"If you mean do I love you, then yes. I do. And I'm an idiot for not telling you sooner."

A smirk crossed my lips. "You said it, I'm not going tell you you're wrong."

Dimitri chuckled quietly to himself and gave me an amused look, one that I had seen many times in my life.

"How are you feeling about your exams tomorrow?" Dimitri asked, resting his hand on my ankle. I looked at his hand and smiled to myself.

"Okay. If I get stuck, I could always just slip into Lissa's head," I joked and snickered at the pointed look Dimitri gave me. Being Guardian wasn't an excuse for cheating on exam. "Okay, okay! I have actually studied. My grades haven't been too bad, actually. You'd be proud."

"I'm always proud of you," he said quietly. I met his eyes and watched the lightening cast over his face. I reached one hand down and rested it on his, giving me a soft look.

"Thank you."

Dimitri nodded and stood up, his knees cracking as he did. I smirked again at the sound. I was glad to know I wasn't the only Guardian in this house that happened to after sitting.

"I should let you get to sleep, you need to be rested for tomorrow," Dimitri said gently, leaning down and pressing his lips to my forehead. I let my eyes close and enjoyed the feeling. The tingle that his lips created against my skin made me feel warm.

"How 'bout when I'm done my exams tomorrow, we spar?"

Dimitri nodded and ran his hand over my hair. "I'd love to."

I smiled at him as he walked towards the door. "Dimitri?"

"Hmm?" he said turning at the threshold.

I fidgeted with my fingers for a moment. "I love you."

A genuine smile crossed his lips. "I love you, Roza. Sleep well."