ELLIOT'S POV
Nov. 30, 2011
Olivia Benson,
Thanksgiving passed. Kathy didn't get to her cranberry sauce this year. I know how much you liked it. Dickie and Lizzie went to Kathy's parents for Thanksgiving. Something about the tension between Kathy and me. My mother was asking where you were. I didn't know what to say, so I said that you were sick. So if you get flowers delivered, that would be why.
I don't know why I am updating you about my life when I want to know about yours. I want to know what you did for Thanksgiving. I want to know what you did with the stuff on my desk. I want to know how you are doing.
I'm not doing okay. I am not okay at all. I miss you. I miss you more than I thought I would. I didn't realize how miserable I would be not seeing you every day.
Kathy is trying to convince me to sell the house so we can travel to Europe with Eli. I don't think I can leave you more than I already have. If I leave the city, then that means it is real. That I actually left you. That I really did abandon you.
I'm a bastard. I'm a jackass. I'm a prick. I don't think anyone could be more angry and disappointed in me than I am with myself. How could I do that to you? How could I not have the fucking balls to pick up the phone? How could I leave you like our relationship was simply a business transaction? Liv, you meant so much more to me than just business. You might have been my partner, but you were my partner. I am so unbelievably sorry.
Elliot Stabler