Author's Notes: First time that I write the twins old enough to really interact with Dad!Wirt, and it's for this silly thing.

Wirt's father was Jewish. Wirt wasn't, technically, but he had been raised with a basic Jewish education, which he tried to augment and pass on to his own children. So in the Pines household, they celebrated Christmas and Hanukkah (as well as Kwanzaa, Diwali, and any other holiday that Mabel could talk them into trying).

When buying holiday cards, Wirt usually made it easy on himself by getting a box that said "Happy Holidays!" or "Season's Greetings!" and sending those to everyone. But this year, on a whim, he picked up a set for both celebrations.

He had no inkling of the minefield that he had just blundered into.

On the first day of Chanukah, Wirt and the twins were gathered around the computer in his office.

"Okay, get ready—"

"HAPPY HANUKKAH!" Mabel screamed, practically jumping into Wirt's lap in her haste to get in front of the screen.

He winced. "It's not connected, sweetie."

"Oh."

A second later, Stan's face appeared on the screen.

"HAPPY HANUKKAH!" Mabel screamed again, standing on her tiptoes to get her face closer to the camera.

"Happy Chanukah!" Wirt and Dipper murmured at a significantly saner volume.

Wirt suddenly noticed that his uncle was glowering at the screen, one hand held flat against the desk in front of him.

"Oh, are you celebrating that, too?" Stan practically sneered. "And here I thought you observed something called Chah-nukkah."

Wirt felt his smile falter. "Par...don?"

"Oh, don't listen to him!" A six-fingered hand pushed Stan's head out of the way as Ford's face came into view. "It's good to know that some people are on the right side of this issue!"

"I'll right your side!"

Stan tried to put Ford in a headlock. Ford responded by punching him in the gut.

Wirt and Dipper drew back from the computer as Mabel punched the air. "You get him, Grunkle Stan! Give him heck, Grunkle Ford!"

"Mabel! Stop encouraging them. And you two!" Wirt raised his voice and leaning closer to the microphone. "What are you kids—I mean—what are you fighting about?!"

"Don't play dumb! We're talking about this!"

Uncle Stan flourished a colorful something, shoving it toward his computer screen where Wirt couldn't see it.

"You need to hold it to the camera, Stanley."

"Huh? Oh, right. Explain this!"

Wirt frowned. "All I see is black now."

"You can't hold it right up to the camera, you—give it here!"

A moment later the picture returned, showing them Wirt's Chanukah card and the tips of Ford's many fingers.

"My Chanukah card?"

"Yeah, Hanukkah." It wasn't the sort of word you could spit, but Uncle Stan managed. "With an H! Not a C-H, like Chah-nukkah!"

"C-H is a perfectly valid spelling! And it makes more sense!"

"How?" Mabel asked, tilting her head curiously.

Dipper held up a finger. "Ooh! I've read about this! It's because Hebrew has two letters that sound sort of like the English H. One's basically the same, but one's more of a—hhuh. Hhuh. HHUH." Dipper made a sound like a cat trying to cough up a hairball. He straightened and cleared his throat. "Or something like that."

"Exactly! It's called a voiceless uvular fricative, and when you transliterate that letter, you us C-H to differentiate it. Like in my Hebrew name," Ford added, straightening up proudly.

Wirt looked interested. "Your Hebrew name? What is it?"

"I...forget. But it has a C-H in it!"

Stan rolled his eyes. "Thanks for the sermon, Rabbi Nerdberg. And since when does C-H make a hhuh sound?!"

"It's a linguistic convention!" Ford snapped. "Aside from Hebrew, there's the Goidelic languages, the Balto-Slavic languages...the language of the talking rodents from Dimension 39-G—"

"I've actually seen some people spell 'Chanukah' with an X!" Dipper added. "Because in some languages, you apparently...um..."

Stan and Ford were both staring at him with a look that could have made a statue wilt. Dipper sidestepped to hide behind his father's computer chair.

Wirt shook his head, feeling the need to jump in. "Look, this isn't something worth fighting about! It's just a card!"

Stan snorted. "That I'll agree with! The question is, why did you pick a card from their side?!" he asked, giving his brother a point and a glare.

"This isn't about sides! I picked that card because I liked the picture! It's a—family lighting their menorah together. I thought it was cute."

Mabel patted his arm. "It is cute, Dad."

"Thanks, honey."

Ford sighed. "Don't let Stan bother you, Wirt. You can't expect civilized behavior from Team H."

Stan rounded on him with a look of outrage. "We're uncivilized?! Remember the time Aunt Sadie shanked Ma with a butter knife?!"

As the younger Pines startled, Ford scoffed and crossed his arms. "The merits of our argument are not changed because Aunt Sadie can't hold her liquor!" In a quieter voice he added, "And if we're honest, Ma was asking for it."

"WHY YOU—!"

Stan tackled Ford, and the pair fell to the floor. Wirt and the kids could hear the sounds of punches, grunts and screams coming from off-screen.

"Um—okay, we gotta light the menorahs now! Happy holidays, however you spell it!"

With that, Wirt slammed his laptop shut, then fell back into his chair with a sigh.

"Remember what I said about baseless hatred destroying the Second Temple?"

"Jeez," said Dipper, shaking his head.

"Crazy," Mabel agreed.

A moment passed before any of them spoke again.

"Great-Uncle Ford has a point, though. The 'C' spelling makes more sense, technically."

Mabel shrugged. "Whatever. I think the 'H' version looks better. Plus it has two Ks! That's twice as much kuh for your buck!"

"It doesn't need two Ks," Dipper said, a bit peevishly. "You can spell either version that way. Oh, and you know what? If you spell it 'C-H,' it looks more like 'Christmas.' Makes it look like they go together."

"But I don't want to spell them the same. I want a holiday for every letter!"

"Okay, but the 'C' way—"

"Kids?" Wirt looked up and frowned. "Stop."

"Just a second, Dad, I have a few more—"

"STOP. NOW."

A/N: Last year I wrote a fic called "Best to Keep Things Simple," which mentions this argument in passing. I quickly decided that it would get its own story in December 2023.