How can I ever change things
That I feel
If I could
Baby I'd give you my world
How can I
When you won't take it from me
Lissie

Bella

My senior year was off to a wonderful start, better than any of my other first days at school. I had almost every class with Edward and Alice, for one, the two of them working their charm on the administration staff. I'd also never had a ready group of friends to return to; this was the longest place I'd stayed in years.

Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper had graduated. The Cullens usually used their one or two high school years as a foundation to study at college more seamlessly and the three of them made clandestine trips to Seattle to take their classes; the things they relayed made me more excited for my turn.

All of my friends were giddy for the final year of school and I had a plan too. I was just waiting for the perfect moment to reveal it to Edward.

It came in late October. Edward and I had gone to the waterfall just before dusk to watch as the day was slowly extinguished. We were lounging on a flat rock behind the falls as we talked, the water closing us in. The thin sunlight illuminated the cascading water, altering it into liquid silver. The fast seeping water roiled where it hit the lake, occasionally throwing droplets back at us.

The vibrant hues in the sky softened into muted tones, the landscape evolving into dancing shadows and silhouettes. The diminishing light revealed the contours of the rocks around us. With each passing moment, the outside world seemed to recede further into the distance.

While it was still light enough for me to see his reaction, I said; "I want you to change me in the summer."

There was a sound like a gunshot and I looked confusedly for the noise.

Edward's hands on the edge of the shale had contracted and caused a chunk to break off and crash to the ground. He didn't react to it; his now wide eyes trained on me.

That wasn't the response I'd expected. We both stared at each other.

"What's wrong?" I asked, confused.

"No."

"What do you mean? Why not?"

"You're not going to become a vampire."

"It's what I want," I assured him. It was a shocking revelation and maybe more out of the blue to him than I'd first thought.

"You don't know what you're asking."

Edward was on his feet, as far away from me as he could get in the narrow space.

"Of course I do," I soothed. "I've been thinking about it for ages."

All the advantages—family; community; longevity; still a way into nonexistence if I grew to want that at some ancient age. I could also still have the career I wanted. It would take so much longer than if I was human but there were other medical roles I could do while I practised the restraint needed to be a surgeon. The disadvantages—painful unending thirst; the risk that I would want to feed on humans instead; the time it would take to gain insight and empathy, and the remorse I would feel once I looked back at what I'd probably done to humans over my time without it. Also, how nothing would be temporary. Every emotion and memory would be as strong as the day it happened. Would I want that? Inescapable sadness as well as joy? Yes. More than anything.

His expression became horrified as he saw the surety in mine. "You don't want this. You have no idea what your life will be in five years, in ten years."

"It would be the same whether I was human or a vampire, I'll be with you; and still in med school, it takes forever …" I was babbling a little in my nervousness. Why was he reacting like this? "I'd thought you'd be happy!"

"Happy? You've lived nothing of life! You have no idea all the things you'd be giving up—all your family will die until you're the only one left. Every generation your friends will move on without you, move forward, and you never will. You'll never have children. You couldn't live anywhere you wanted or have any job you wanted. You couldn't even have a pet." His despairs—and those of his family—spilled out of him in a torrent.

"Humans live with those kinds of restrictions too," I reminded him, desperately trying to keep my composure.

"You don't."

"Right now. But who knows what kind of things might happen to me? Some accident or illness—"

"I will keep you safe," he said fiercely. "But you will stay human."

"Why is that so important to you?"

"Because that's what you deserve, Bella!"

"How can you say that after everything you are?"

"It has been centuries of gruelling effort; endurance at every step. Why on earth would I want you to have a life that hard?"

"It's worth it to me. It's my decision."

"No. You haven't considered everything—"

"But if I told you that I didn't want to be a vampire you wouldn't make that argument," I snapped. "You wouldn't say then that I just hadn't thought about it enough."

He fell silent, unable to dispute that point.

"Why is it your decision anyway?" I demanded. "It's mine."

"Because I can't—I can't let you do this. I won't. Because I know what this feels like. I'd thought I'd wanted it too."

"You had so little time to think about it. I've had a year."

Edward closed his eyes in torment and his whole body stilled. "All your friends and family would grow old and die around you," he repeated.

"That's still true if I was human."

"You'll live more in darkness than light."

"I don't care."

"It will take you decades to become a surgeon, and maybe not even then."

"Time doesn't matter."

"You'll kill people."

"I'll go where there aren't any. And humans can accidentally kill people too—"

He opened his eyes and glared at me. "That's an accident. Instinctual killing is not the same thing."

"I know you'll help me."

He ignored that. "You'll never have children," he said, his voice laced with pain.

"I wouldn't have them either way."

He shook his head sadly. "You don't know that."

"Yes I do—Edward, you told me this. You told me we couldn't have children and I was relieved, I've never wanted them—"

"You don't know that—"

"We're going in circles," I retorted. "Why don't I know what I want when it doesn't suit you, and I do know what I want when it does?"

Edward was in front of me now, his hands on my jaw, caressing my skin soothingly. "It's different, my heart. It's not about me. I'm protecting you."

"I would do anything if it meant you hadn't had to suffer what you did but it doesn't mean I will."

"Everyone finds it difficult."

"I'm not doing this because I think it will be easy, I'm doing it because it's right. And I know there's still so much I need to learn. That's why I want it later."

He opened his mouth, probably to tell me again that I'd change my mind, then closed it.

"You won't do it, will you?" I whispered, already knowing the answer.

"No."

When we returned, they knew we'd argued about something. Jasper winced when he felt Edward's emotions and everyone else became grave when he spread the feelings to them. Edward's speech was too fast and low for me to understand as he explained to them what had happened.

"I don't know why you're being so difficult," Emmett complained.

"I agree," I said.

Edward didn't answer either of us but his jaw tightened.

"If it's what Bella wants, I don't see the issue," Esme said evenly.

"It's not right for her."

"That's not for you to say," I snapped.

"And we'll help her," Jasper observed.

"If you'd consider it, I'd be able to see the new paths," Alice shot at Edward.

He shook his head. It wasn't a denial, his decision was too firm for that; he'd override me at every turn, enough that Alice couldn't even see it, irritating me further.

"When?" Carlisle asked me quietly, ignoring Edward's sharp; "No."

"After graduation. I want time to prepare and it's a natural beginning. Will you do it?"

That wasn't precisely how I wanted it to happen but if Edward was going to be difficult …

Carlisle and Edward were staring at each other, silently arguing. Edward shook his head again.

"Bella, I worry for your and Edward's wellbeing if I changed you before the two of you were ready."

"It's my decision."

"It is," Carlisle agreed. "But it's not one to take lightly. The two of you are stubborn and grinding in your heels. This isn't the place to begin."

"He won't change his mind," I stated, glaring at Edward.

"That seems true for each of you," Carlisle pointed out gently.

Tension sizzled around the room. It was easy to see who was on my side—Emmett, Alice, and Jasper had the calmest countenance; Rosalie's lip was curled into a sneer as if I'd just spat in her face; Edward was unmoved; Esme and Carlisle were conciliatory. They wanted to do what I wanted but they also didn't want to hurt Edward.

Edward

"Why are you so against this?" Alice snapped. You won't even let me see what it might be like? This whole argument could've been avoided if you just stopped being stubborn.

"She'll regret it, I know she will."

"She's not you. She knows what she wants."

"Not this."

"Let me see it! She might be happy. Then you can get off your high horse."

"Might be happy, Alice. Might. And I already know she'll be happy in the new visions, she wants it right now. She'll regret it later, once she can't go back."

"Bella's right that it's not your decision," Esme said, impatience staining her tone. Don't be domineering, Edward.

"I want her to have choices. She'll lose so many with this."

"She won't lose any, by her reckoning," Jasper stated.

Bella wanted everything. She was constantly seeking and exploring. I'd watched her reach for every new experience with open arms and an open mind, and it had always been so exhilarating. That was why she thought she wanted to be a vampire; it was also something new. But Bella couldn't comprehend—no one who wasn't a vampire could—how stagnant existence became. How the world moved around you, not with you. All the experiences she could have as a human would cease.

"How are you going to resolve this?" Carlisle asked.

Bella had reluctantly let the conversation drop, acknowledging Esme's earlier point that nothing would come of it today. It had taken her a long time to relax enough to fall asleep, even as I sang to her. Unsurprising, given I was the source of her frustration. I'd only detangled myself from her grudgingly when Alice demanded I come downstairs so she could give me a piece of her mind.

"Time will help her," I told Carlisle.

"She's had time."

"Not enough."

Everyone was irritated with me now. Carlisle and Esme were worrying about where our obstinacy would lead us but I knew Bella would realise her choice didn't suit her when we went to college. Or perhaps later, when she began her career … all the changes to her life that she would make … only then would she appreciate that there was no place for me or my family in her life.

I wasn't going to force her into any milestones. Not only was that unfair, she'd also see through my motivations in an instant. But I also knew I didn't need to. She'd have them regardless.

Rosalie and Emmett were back, walking through the trees and up the drive. She was angry with Bella but hadn't said anything to her. She knew her choice wasn't a personal affront, though Rosalie was struggling not to see it that way.

Entitled little pest. No idea how much she has—what a spoilt brat.

I hissed a warning, loud enough for her to hear.

Oh, fuck off.

Rosalie changed course, heading into the garage instead. She was going to take my car to pieces—and maybe I'll leave it like that—keeping herself busy and flexing her resentment at the same time. Emmett sat on the bench while she worked and soon had her distracted with conversation.

"Don't make that mistake, Edward. Assuming you know Bella's thoughts and speaking them as truth, as you do with us," Carlisle said reproachfully.

"She's been quite clear," Esme agreed.

"I'm not going to risk her future opportunities for something she hasn't—and can't have—considered thoroughly."

At sunrise, I returned to Bella and watched her golden skin grow brighter in the light. Unlike yesterday, her countenance was serene, sleep having lulled her. There had been no evidence of her resolve. She'd announced apropos of nothing, clearly thinking we were on the same wavelength as we often were.

"You haven't changed your mind," she observed when she woke.

"Nor have you."

Bella pulled me down to lay behind her, cushioning her cheek on my hand.

"What do we do now?" she asked.

Her heartbeat pattered faintly against my chest and the arm I had around her. Her warm breath fluttered over my palm.

"Wait." She'd see things clearly soon.

"How long will convince you?"

She was twisting the point. I wasn't the one who would become convinced, the one who should be.

"In the summer. We'll talk about it again then."

It was a beginning, as she had said. Her first step into a new stage of her life. Her first step toward the direction she needed.

Bella

Edward and I had agreed to let the subject lie so I was miffed when I came up to my bedroom after Charlie and I finished dinner and found Rosalie waiting for me. The others had gone hunting seals in the Haro Strait overnight and I'd thought she'd left too.

"Does Edward know you're here?"

"Yes. He told me not to, even though he knew I would anyway."

I sat on my bed and Rosalie followed suit. She wasn't smiling but she didn't look as cross with me as she had the other day.

"I wanted to tell you my story. Edward said it was between the two of you, and I know that. But I want you to have a different view. A female view."

I knew only a little of Rosalie's human life, gathered from things she'd mentioned … and hadn't mentioned. Emmett was her greatest joy, she was close with Esme and Alice, she loved aggravating Jasper who never responded as physically as he did with the others. And she and Edward didn't always get along due to their differing personalities but did have a camaraderie that each of them was able to tap into when the other needed, once disappearing for the better part of a day and returning more calmed than they'd been earlier, Alice's eyes glassy as she watched their every movement. Carlisle seemed unable to bring himself to censure Rosalie in the way he did with the rest of his children.

Something traumatic and violent had happened to Rosalie, and she too had regretted her choice.

"You've not been told my story but you know it. Every woman does. He was my fiancé—Royce King. It was my parents' arrangement but I was instantly smitten. He was so handsome … his smile … when he looked at you, you felt he was hanging on to your every word as if he'd never heard anything it's equal before. People gravitated toward him, men and women both. They wanted to be him or be acknowledged by him. We were well suited in that way. There was nothing I liked more than attention," she smiled woodenly.

"The wedding was all planned out. I had the best seamstress, the best florist and engraver … my parents spared no expense. I was their favourite child, nothing I did was wrong and I always got what I wanted. I was also going to be the first of my friends to get married, which excited me too; barely finished my first season and I'd already snagged the most eligible man. I don't think I loved Royce, really. Or perhaps I did … it's all confused and backwards now. But what I did want more than anything was children."

I wasn't quick enough to hide my surprise and Rosalie actually laughed. A real, sunny laugh, and I saw it—the young carefree woman she had been before Royce King had ripped innocence away from her.

"A husband's affections are fleeting but a child's is constant. That's what I wanted. I didn't care what kind or whose they were, as long as they were mine."

I wanted the story to end there with Rosalie happy and satisfied; Rosalie growing old with her children. It was odd but I could see her being a delightful mother. Rosalie didn't particularly like people, didn't think well of them, but when I'd gotten to know her she'd been nice in her own way. She didn't care how Edward might respond; she could've spent her time scaring me on purpose but she never did. With everything she knew about me, she could've said some truly dreadful things to me but didn't. Kindness cost Rosalie a great deal; her story now made me realise why; but she'd always been as respectful as she could. She now loved her family unconditionally after all these years and I hated that she lost that kind of potential love with her children.

"I was walking home from a friend's house," Rosalie said quietly. "I'd stayed longer than I meant to and I remember thinking my parents would be worrying about where I was. A group of drunk men were walking by on the other side of the street, being raucous. I didn't look at them until I heard Royce call my name. I'd never met his friends before and I thought he was excited to show me off. That's why he was waving me over—in the dark, unchaperoned …

"He was saying the same lovely words he often did but it was different now. Mocking. Violent. 'Pretty as a picture' and 'can't wait much longer'. His friends were laughing and I realised later that they knew what he was going to do. They took turns and Royce went first and then again at the end, watching each one. I still remember the look on his face …When he was done, he smashed my head in with a brick. They left me there, still laughing. I don't think they knew I was alive. I tried to call them back, to make Royce kill me properly, but he didn't hear me.

"Carlisle did. He followed the blood. It was dark and I couldn't see him but he told me he was trying to heal me and I didn't want that; I was pleading. I'd thought he'd understood when wind started whooshing past; my soul was leaving my body. But I could still smell blood and everything hurt … and then I was set alight and I was screaming, terrified, wondering what I had done to end up somewhere like this. Carlisle told me what was happening but I didn't believe him. He knew I was scared of him so Esme stayed with me. She held my hand through it and told me everything. I spent the three days staring at her. She was comforting but the burning was too much … I didn't believe her either; I thought I was being punished for what I'd let Royce do to me. Esme knew that too and repeated over and over that she spoke the truth, that I was going to live a long and happy life; a good one. A better one. She didn't know I already had a good life, that I didn't want what she offered.

"But I did wake and everything about me was as she'd said it was going to be. Carlisle was there and his face when I told him I wished I were dead … I regret it now, how harsh I was."

"Carlisle would've wanted you to hate him and not yourself," I whispered.

"I did him one better and despised us both. I saw my transformation as my punishment for my callous nature. The only thing I liked in the beginning was how strong I was compared to humans. The first thing I reduced to rubble was the bed I'd woken in. I remembered humans couldn't do anything like that and I was thrilled. Unlike all my other human memories at that time, my death was clear and strong and I wanted revenge.

"That's when I met Edward. He told me he could help me do what I wanted, that he knew what had happened to me and that he knew how to find Royce—the only one of my attackers left alive.

"I didn't understand until later but Edward had allowed himself to forsake his principles for me. Much like Carlisle, he blamed himself. He felt he was responsible for my attack because he would've known it was going to happen and stopped it. He wouldn't have had to kill Royce either; Edward had developed a particular forte for compounding fear during his years of hunting humans. That's what he'd done to Royce, why he wasn't dead yet. Edward killed his friends in front of him, one by one, tearing their throats open so they drowned in their own blood; always finding Royce no matter where he hid. He did it carefully too. Royce thought he was being hunted by some fiendish spectre—he never saw Edward. Edward wanted him to fester in it for a few days; Royce was nearly insensible with terror.

"We were still in Rochester. They'd been planning to take me away until they learnt what I had to do first. Carlisle knew Edward would control me when we left the house, make sure I wouldn't drain every human I met. I knew I wouldn't either; all I wanted was revenge. Edward said I had to hold my breath as we travelled and I agreed. And so Edward took me to Royce."

Rosalie gave a feral smile. Snarls punctuated her words, so unlike their playful ones that my palms began to sweat. Metallic sickness already in my mouth from listening to what Royce had done to her, now I had to scoot sideways away from her fury. Rosalie didn't notice; she was in her head.

"It was pathetic. He was hiding in his bank, in one of the vaults. I broke open the door and let him see me; he started bawling. He emptied the magazine of a gun at me and the bullets were flying everywhere. I didn't want him to die like that so I caught them. I also didn't want any part of him in my body so when his blood started flowing from my breaking his bones, I crushed his head in my hands and Edward got me away before I could frenzy. He told me it took minutes for Royce to die and I was glad about that."

Rosalie was in her memories but then her ferocity subsided after a few moments and her expression became more composed.

"I struggled until I met Emmett. In those early years I liked Esme very well but Carlisle and Edward … I hated what Carlisle had done. And Edward was always trying to make me feel better, always voicing exactly what I was thinking whenever we all did something nice but it somehow sounded worse when he said it. It vexed me that he was always polite no matter what despicable things I thought about him, that he never cared what I had to say about him. He never fought me back either which surprised me; he'd agreed so readily to help me before, I imagined him quick to anger. I didn't realise then that he didn't want to hurt humans. None of them did. It took me a while to stop viewing people as something to despise. And a natural mentor such as Carlisle made it hard to hate him for long, though I did try.

"Emmett helped me most. He brought happiness to my life again. I was also able to find careers I enjoyed … that was unexpected, I'd never thought I'd like something like that. I liked college too, as much as I didn't think I would. Emmett has given me everything I wanted, except one … I'd been resigned—I had put it behind me, but then you showed up."

Rosalie laughed again and it was good-natured rather than accusatory. "I never cared when you and Edward were friends but then you were mated and he told you everything and you saw everything and still want this life."

"There's nothing I would miss out on."

"Your family? I never saw my biological family again. None of us did."

I frowned sympathetically. "I know. But … Charlie and Renée have always done what they want. They wouldn't begrudge me doing the same, even if they can't know about this one."

Rosalie glared. "You really won't get to be a surgeon. Carlisle's unique in that. Trust me when I tell you, you will always crave blood. You've never seen a truly thirsty vampire, your view is distorted."

I shrugged. "I know it's a possibility. But that's a risk I'd take as a human too. What if I get to a surgical rotation and can't develop the skills? And I already know I'll puke during the first autopsy I see, that might be a major stumbling block too."

"And I suppose you think you don't want children either," Rosalie said sourly.

"I don't. It's not for me. I've always felt like that, it hasn't got anything to do with Edward."

"Just because your parents weren't good to you doesn't mean you'll be like them."

I chewed my cheek, checking my temper. Aggravatingly, Rosalie had hit the nail on the head. Edward wouldn't have stooped to that.

"That would be a terrible way to find out if that's what would happen," I said instead. "To try my best and fail anyway? And any regret I would feel wouldn't be a tenth of the regret I'd have if I'd had them and then realised it was nothing I wanted."

I already knew what the feeling would be. Not a regret, exactly. A slight pining. The same emotion I felt when I wished I could've lived in Avonlea, or grown up in a French boarding school in the thirties, or seen Casablanca again for the first time. A pining for something bright and lovely, but also something that was elusive, dreamlike, and—ultimately—impossible.

"And a transformation? That's what happened to Edward."

I flinched. Edward disliked many things about himself, I knew. That was why we were clashing the way we were. He didn't want me to go through what he did.

"Nothing has ever felt more right to me. That's not going to change."

Rosalie made a face. "You're determined, I'll give you that."

"I don't want to get this because I'm determined, I want to get it because it's who I'm meant to be."

"Not a sentiment I share. I still miss that I lost out on children."

"Did you think of adopting?" I asked tentatively. "Like Carlisle and Esme?"

"Occasionally. Emmett and I talked about it. But it wouldn't be fair on the human child; they'd have to keep so many things secret, things they shouldn't have to. Or we'd have to completely hide our natures from them and I wouldn't want that big of a lie in their life. Telling them when they were of age would also have issues; break trust. And then … they'd grow older and what would they tell them when they had their own families? We'd probably have to see them in secret, or not at all, after a certain time. Or what if they decided to be a vampire, asked us to change them? I couldn't stand any of those scenarios," she stated sadly. "Any plan would have a million obstacles. And not just for Emmett and I but for the rest of my family as well. It wouldn't be right. You'd face the same issues if you changed your mind later too."

Changed my mind, changed my mind … everyone was so fixated on that, as if I was such a weathervane about my choices now. But I tried to be tolerant. Their objections came from their own experiences and it was true that I wouldn't know how I truly felt about it until it happened. But that was the same for nearly every human experience as well. That's what was hard for them to grasp—with their static, unchanging selves, permanency was their constant state of being. Being in their heads, Edward must've been so bewildered by all the decisions humans reneged on, and Edward only ever wanted what was best for me. I knew he'd realise this was my permanent state; it was just a bit harder for him to appreciate without my mind to guide him. The rightness I felt. The rightness I'd always felt.

He'd see soon.