Patrols have never really been for the sake of Akumas. In the early days, they were to get used to their powers, to learn the city from this new vantage point, and to learn each other. The early days were for playing tag, and racing, and goofing off and coming up with big plans and theories to take down Hawkmoth. They were sporadic, maybe twice a week, but their civilian lives were busy and important , so they couldn't stay out too late too often.
That was before they realized that it wasn't fun to play hero, before the death toll (including theirs) kept rising (no matter how many times they are brought back to life again), before they realized they were just kids and this should never have been their responsibility.
That was before the nightmares kept them up anyway- driving them into the Parisian night with a desperate sort of anxiety that clung to them until they, quite coincidentally, would find each other among the rooftops.
Ladybug said nothing when, without talking about it, their patrols evolved from twice a week, to nightly. She said nothing when, instead of waiting to find each other after their nightmares, they started avoiding them entirely with patrols lasting until the first dregs of morning would splash gray light over the rooftops of Paris. Only then, when their alarms back home would go off, when somebody other than each other would miss them, would they reluctantly turn in and reclaim their civilian identities.
There is a near constant dread, now, that drowns out all of Ladybugs normal anxieties. School work, commissions, talking to people, talking to Adrien - it all seems so stupid and useless now. So insignificant in the face of Hawkmoth. In the face of watching everyone she loves, watching Chat , die on a weekly basis. Over and over, and it's up to her to bring them back.
Her and Chat Noir. She knows that if she fails, he will take up the mantle, but after the first time she died, and he had to drag Ladybug's crumpled, broken, body into the sewers so he can take her earrings, her burden, and reverse it all- fix it- he started dying a whole lot more- sacrificing himself over and over, and Ladybug can hardly take it.
It plays through her head constantly. Him dying. Him shielding her. Her being alone -
Ladybug grips the roof tightly under her hands, resisting taking off in a frantic search for her Kitty- to find out if he's still okay (he has to be okay; she can't do this without him). She just has to wait. He will come.
She knows it's not healthy. It's not healthy to spend every moment away from him, anxious to have him back . She knows her friends, her parents, her teachers, are worried about her. Her grades have dropped- likely because she sleeps through class more often than not- but also because she just doesn't care anymore. She can't focus on anything except the next time she can see Him. See that he's okay. See that she's not completely alone in this.
"I'm here, M'Lady," a soft voice croons, warm hands covering hers and green gaze ducking low to catch her eyes.
Her lungs seize again. She wants to launch herself at him, but she can't. She's stuck. Frozen and trembling in her spot, and her muscles are rigid and immobile. She looks to him desperately, though.
Chat Noir moves closer, hands moving up to cup her face- gentle. Outside of Akuma attacks, he's always so gentle. "Hey. Take a breath for me, Bug. You're okay. I'm okay. I'm here."
" Chat ," Ladybug chokes out, wanting more than anything to reach for him. This has been happening more and more recently. Chat has had to Cataclysm more than one butterfly that has come for her.
"I'm here," he reassures again. "Breathe with me."
It takes her a while to calm down, and Chat Noir keeps guard for any magic butterflies, but eventually she does. They end up curled and wrapped around each other, feet dangling over the edge of the building.
More than one photograph has been captured of them like this, hinting at a relationship far more intimate than they've ever admitted to. And in a way, they're right. In a lot of other ways, they're wrong.
"I'm sorry," Ladybug mumbles into the black leather at Chat Noir's throat after a few hours. He didn't rush her. He never rushes her because the only time they are ever allowed to feel their feelings is when they are together. If they have anything less than perfect control any other time, and they get Akumatized, there will be no one to reverse it.
Chat Blanc flashes through Ladybug's mind. The city flooded- everyone dead- a moon cracked in half and her best friend begging her to let him fix it (she wanted to just let him fix it). She can't do that again. She can't function without him- can't fight him again.
Paris would fall.
It was our love that did this to the world!
"Never apologize. You've done this for me, more than once." It's true. She has caught a few butterflies while she held him as he cried. She just seems to be in this position far more. She wonders if there is a timeline where she was Akumatized and Chat was dragged to the future to save her, that her partner never told her about, either. She doesn't ask.
Ladybug hums, noncommittal, and nuzzles further into his arms. This is the only spot where she feels somewhat okay. Like she can breathe. As soon as he leaves, it's like her air does too.
"I love you, Chat," she tells him. She's not afraid that he'll take it the wrong way. Honestly, she's not sure that it can be. She's not sure in what way she loves him, but she knows that it's a hell of a lot more than she ever loved Adrien, and she knows that he's the most important person in her life, and she knows that she can't live without him.
"Love you too, Bug," he replies without hesitation, mouth pressed against the top of her head in a prolonged kiss that just kind of never ends. She knows he feels a lot the same way.
They don't pretend to patrol- it never has been about finding butterflies or Akumas (they will know when an Akuma shows up, and catching one before it finds a victim would be unlikely). They stay on their roof the entirety of the night, just soaking up the comfort of knowing that they are alive and together and not alone.
They both wear exhaustion like a blanket (neither of them really sleep anymore), but as dawn breaks across their city, Ladybug's body finds enough energy to bring back the anxious terror that always clings to her. Because when morning comes, she knows they will have to part.
Everything in her tells her not to go. To stay (she could easily leave her civilian life behind- she could- as long as she could stay with Him).
Eventually, she's able to jolt to her feet. It's an abrupt movement. Stiff. Robotic. Numbness washes over her.
Chat Noir leaps to his feet and reaches desperately out to her. He grips her hand hopelessly- eyes so pleading- begging her not to go. He feels it too. The dread.
"My Lady. Wait. Please. "
Ladybug stares back at him, held in place under his luminescent eyes. She wants to stay. More than anything, she wants to stay, and he wants her to, too.
If only they knew each other as civilians. Then they wouldn't have to wait for the next night. They could know each other were safe all the time.
But rule number one of owning a miraculous is that no one can know your identity. It's the first thing that was drilled into their heads upon opening those little boxes.
Above all else, they can't tell anyone their identities. Including each other.
Because with knowledge of identities, comes talking about identities. Comes slip ups and uses of wrong names. If no one knows, they can't slip up and use the wrong name. If no one knows, there will be no talk of secret identities, and if there's no talk, no one can overhear.
It's a very important rule. It's bashed into their heads the first time they opened those boxes.
But that was before.
Before the nightmares and panic attacks and before they've watched each other die, everyone die, hundreds of times and knowing that it's only them that can fix it, only them they have to rely on, only them in the whole entire world, to talk to, to trust so completely (trust in everything except for knowing who's under the mask).
That was before leaving a battle caused more anxiety than going to one, because at least she would see him again- because at least during battle, Ladybug knows where he is (he's with her- she can keep him safe when he's with her- they are stronger together and she can't do this without him).
They are never supposed to reveal their identities to each other.
But that was before she realized that she will fucking break without him .
Keeping eye contact, unable to look away, Ladybug tugs Chat Noir along a step backward. Then another. And then she's leading him by the hand across rooftops.
She stops when she reaches a particular one. One with a rooftop garden and a trap door that leads to a bedroom over top of a bakery. Blue eyes don't leave wide green when she opens the skylight.
"My Lady..?"
She's so tired. She can't keep on like this. And he can't either.
She tugs him through the hatch.
Her transformation falls away with only a thought as her feet hit her mattress, and Tikki comes spiraling out of the jewel. The Kwami sags against the rail in exhaustion, staring sympathetically at her holder as she silently tugs Chat Noir down into the room. She doesn't try to voice any words of optimism- they only fall on deaf ears now-a-days. With one last sad look at her chosen, she drifts down to the plate of cookies waiting for her down below.
Chat Noir lets himself be tugged down onto the bed, unable to take his eyes off of Marinette. His eyes drink in her exhausted, pale, features, and he's not surprised. He doesn't remember much of school these past several months, but he vaguely recalls Marinette, maybe, looking as distracted and worn as himself.
Marinette doesn't wait for him to reveal himself in return. She tucks into him and holds on with everything she has. She sees the flash of his detransformation from behind closed eyes. The fabric under her hands changes from leather to a soft shirt, making it easier to fist her hands in.
"Mari..?" he whispers.
Marinette's fists tighten, because without the barrier of magic, she recognizes his voice.
" Mon chaton ," she breathes back in a sigh. In relief. They won't have to part come the next school day.
"I'm here, M'Lady." Adrien's arms wrap around her and hold her back just as tight.
A/N: This has been sitting in my folder for a while waiting for the inspiration for me to come back and turn this into a story. Until it occurred to me that this is a perfectly good one-shot. So here it is. My first venture into Miraculous fanfiction.
Please let me know what you guys think!
~Silver~