Stef's POV:
Lena and I are sitting on the bed talking after tucking everyone in for bed. This week has been long and exhausting. However, it was also one of the best weeks of our lives, finding our daughter.
"Ella told me she loved me for the first time and I couldn't keep it together. My child comforted me while I cried, but I couldn't help it. I was put on a case for a family who had a child that got kidnapped. When I was there today it brought back so many feelings and memories of the day Ella was kidnapped. It hit me really hard. I know she is safe and here with us now, but it is still affecting me. All of the memories and the pain resurfaced today and I felt like I was experiencing them for the first time all over again. I feel like I shut my feelings off to focus on finding Ella. Now that she has been found that motivation is gone and I didn't realize how damaged I was still underneath the drive to find her. All the years of searching and wondering, it all came flooding back at once today and I lost it."
"I am so sorry baby, that must have been awful," Lena says, pulling me into her arms. She lays us back so my head is on her chest as she rubs my back. "I understand how that could be very triggering and bring up a lot of feelings and memories for you. I am so sorry you had to experience that. I think that makes a lot of sense. It's like we can breathe knowing she is here, but now we are left with facing the impact of the loss because we aren't focused on the unknown. Don't feel guilty about her comforting you. I think she liked the opportunity to do that. It's good for our kids to see that we are human, not perfect and don't have to be strong all the time. It teaches them that crying and working through emotions is healthy." I smile at this. She is right, even though it makes me uncomfortable to be so vulnerable in front of my child I just got back. I want her to see me as strong so she can lean on me and know I am always here. "I also can't believe that she potentially had a dream of her kidnapper. We need to ask further questions, probably tomorrow. We should have done it today when it was fresh in her mind, but she was struggling so much I didn't want to do that to her."
"I agree." I say pulling her closer. Lena squeezes me tighter. "Let's try to get some sleep. Monday's are hard enough as it is and I am exhausted."
"Okay sweetheart," Lena kisses my head. "Goodnight, I love you."
"I love you too, my love."
Ella's POV:
Monday's are a drag. School is going to be out in an hour and then I have my first counseling session. I am so stressed. I have one more class left, but I can't focus. I ask to go to the bathroom and just walk outside to the beach. I know ditching class is going to get back to Stef and Lena. I start feeling guilty. I still have an entire week left of being grounded. I need to work on building trust between us, insteading of having outbursts and being defiant. I start feeling slightly annoyed about feeling responsible to someone, like I have to answer to them. I know if I just do my own thing though, it won't help our relationship and I will get into more trouble. I audibly sigh and roll my eyes. I take a deep breath and before I change my mind, I go knock on Lena's office door.
"Come in." I open the door and she smiles when she sees it is me. It warms my heart. I feel her love all the time.
"Hi sweetheart, everything okay?" I just look at her and sit in front of her desk.
"No." Lena looks concerned and comes and sits in the chair next to me, placing her hand on my leg.
"What's wrong, baby?"
"I am really anxious. I am nervous about the counseling appointment. I have been struggling all day. I have wanted to ditch class every period, but I forced myself to stay and be as focused as possible. School is important to me and I want solid grades and to get into a good college, but I just couldn't do it anymore. I went out to the beach, with the intention to skip class. I realized I was probably gonna get in trouble and I wasn't helping myself to build your trust, so I came here instead to explain to you what was going on. I wasn't going to skip just to skip. I am so anxious I can't even focus on the teacher. I was trying not to cry in class. I am feeling so many intense emotions and I am trying to keep it together, but I can't. The beach is a safe space for me. It grounds me. I either bury my feet in the sand or put them in the water. I focus on the way it feels. I focus on the wind on my face, the smell of the salt water and the sounds of the waves and seagulls. It helps ground me and make me feel present instead of lost in my own head and emotions. It makes me feel like I can breathe again. I have gone to the beach to calm down since I was a little kid. It made my life not feel so scary or hard. I really need that right now, but I didn't want to just be disobedient or rebellious. I was only out there for like two minutes and then came here, realizing that was a better choice. I have only been gone from class for like five minutes. I asked to go to the bathroom so the teacher may wonder where I am soon. Please don't make me go back to class. I am trying not to let my emotions consume me and I really can't sit in there. I am also trying to do the right thing and not cut class, but I am struggling so much I feel like I am going to have a melt down. I am sorry." Tears start streaming down my face and Lena leans over to hug me.
"It's okay, Ella. I am sorry this has been such a hard day. Sweetheart you can always come to me, even in the middle of the school day. I am so proud of you for not ditching and coming to explain to me, rather than just making a negative choice on your own. Needing to ground yourself isn't negative, but missing class without communicating is. You fought against that to do the healthy thing and I am so so proud of you." I smile. I did do the right thing, it honestly feels good.
"Thanks. It wasn't easy to be honest. I have a hard time listening sometimes. I am stubborn and want to do my own thing, I don't think people have a right to tell me what to do since no one ever has. I know it isn't a great quality, but I have to work pretty hard to calm down and listen to people. Especially you and Stef." I blush a little at this admission.
"We know honey. Believe me." Lena winks at me. I start laughing and so does she.
"Let me tell you what, I will let you go spend some time on the beach. I need you to stay close so I can see you if I need something. This can't be a habit, but since you forced yourself to make it through the day and didn't skip class, even though you really wanted to, I will let you take this last period to ground yourself before the appointment. I know you are nervous because it is new. You MUST be at my car as soon as the last bell rings though, do you understand?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Alright, I will give you this opportunity, if you don't follow through on your end of the deal, I will not continue to let you do these kinds of things, alright?"
"Yes Mama." She smiles and winks at me when I say that. I am getting comfortable calling them that alone. When I am just with Stef or just with Lena it slips out. When others are around I am too uncomfortable. "Thank you so much." I go give her a big hug. "Can I leave my bag in here?"
"Of course baby, I will bring it to the car at the end of the day. I am really proud of you sweetheart."
"Thank you!" I set it down, kiss her cheek and walk out to the beach. I sit on the sand and wiggle my toes. I take my sweatshirt and lay it down on the sand so I can put my head on it and not get sand all in my hair. I close my eyes and listen to the waves. I take deep breaths and focus on my breathing. I instantly calm down and am so thankful Mama let me come out here. I can feel my anxiety slowly slipping away.
…..
"Hey love," I look up and Stef is standing over me.
"Hey Mom," I say sitting up. I look at the time on my phone and sigh in relief. I still have fifteen minutes, I thought I was late. Stef smiles.
"Can I join you?" She asks.
"Of course." I say. She sits next to me.
"I love that you call me Mom." I look at her, surprised.
"Really?"
"More than you know. I wasn't sure I would ever hear those words from you again. I am glad you feel comfortable doing it sometimes." I nod.
"I am not really comfortable around other people. I am sorry, I just am not. I only do it when I am alone with one of you for now, I hope that's okay." Stef puts her arm around me.
"Of course it is sweets, I understand. It must feel pretty vulnerable."
"It does." It goes silent for a minute before I speak again. "You are in your cop uniform."
"I am," Stef seems curious about this observation.
"You always tried to stay out of it for me, I could tell. I am glad you are wearing it though."
"You are?"
"Yes, you are a cop, it's your job. I will have to get used to it eventually." She just squeezes me tighter.
"You are very observant and wise. Did you know that?"
"Unfortunately." Stef chuckles.
"It's a curse and a blessing, right?"
"Yes, it is," I answer Stef. "Sometimes I wish I didn't analyze so much because I am more aware of what is going on. If I could shut my brain off I feel like I wouldn't hurt as much."
"I could understand why you would think that. However, being able to figure out what you are truly thinking and feeling helps you work through the pain."
"True."
"I am proud of you baby. I can see you trying to open up and do the right thing. Thank you for not just walking off campus without permission."
"Mhmm." I hear Stef chuckle. I feel myself blush and the praise. I also don't feel like talking about this. I am so stubborn, the more they tell me to do something, the less I want to do it.
"Mama told me your conversation, I know it's making you uncomfortable to talk about and it is hard to listen to us sometimes, but I just wanted to say I am very proud. I will leave it at that." I nod and can't help but smile. I am glad she isn't pushing me.
I lean against her body and close my eyes, listening to the waves. She wraps her arms around me and just holds me while we sit in silence. We stay that way for about five more minutes.
"We should get going baby."
"I really don't want to go." I feel my eyes start to water. Stef looks into my eyes and gives me a sad smile.
"It's scary to talk about the hard things. To let someone in and to have to deal with all the intense thoughts and feelings you have, but it will help you in the long run. It won't feel good in the beginning because you have to talk about some hard things, but I promise you will start feeling better as time goes on. You won't hurt as much. She will give you the tools to deal with all the hard thoughts and feelings. Mama and I will be there every step of the way. We will be as little or as involved as you want, okay? You aren't alone." I just nod, knowing I won't get out of it. Stef stands out and reaches her hand to me. I just look at it. It's not that I am not going to take it, but I went from having no family to an entire family and solid support system in less than two weeks. It still feels hard to wrap my brain around. Yet here I sit, on the beach with my birth mother, who loves me unconditionally and is offering me her hand. To help me stand up, but to do so much more with and for me. I swallow the lump in my throat, feeling rather emotional, and grab her hand as we walk to Lena's car.
Lena is there waiting for us. We get right next to her car as the final bell rings, she smiles and says, "just in time!" I don't say anything and get in the backseat. I don't miss the look of confusion Lena gives Stef, Stef just winks. I roll my eyes. They are so obvious.
…..
We are sitting in the waiting room and then a woman walks out. Stef, Lena and I are the only ones there. She looks to be in her forties. She seems warm and inviting, but that honestly annoys me further.
"You must be Ella, I am Dr. McCord. It is very nice to meet you. I am so glad you are here." I just nod. "If it is okay with you Ella, I would like to talk with all three of you first and then you can decide if you want one, both or neither of your moms in for the remainder of the session, okay?" I shrug. I see Stef look at me, but I just avoid her gaze and stare at the therapist.
"Sounds great, thank you so much." Stef says, standing up and reaching out to shake her hand. Lena does the same thing. We all follow behind her into her office. Stef, Lena, and I all sit on a couch together as she sits in a chair across from us.
"I like to start off with all of us first, just so we are all on the same page. It is understandable for parents to want to understand what is going on with their child or what the therapist is like, so I always make sure I do that before I begin. That way anyone can ask me any questions and we can all get comfortable with each other. Ella, anything you say to me, I will not share with your moms without your permission. The only exception is if your life, or someone else's life, is in danger. It is my job to keep you safe so if for some reason I don't feel like you are safe, I will need to step in. Does that make sense?" I nod. It does, if I am suicidal she has to tell someone, that was like that at my previous group home. We never did individual therapy, but group therapy.
"Great, does anyone have any questions?" I tune the conversation out as Lena and Stef talk to the therapist asking some questions. I know I should be paying attention, but I am trying to distract myself because I can't handle them talking about me.
"Ella?" I look up at Dr. McCord. "Are you alright?" I nod. "Would you tell me why you came to therapy today?" It takes everything in me to not make a sarcastic comment. I choose silence and look at Lena. "Would you like your Mom-"
"Mama." I say firmly, slightly rude. I feel Stef's hand on my leg and I suppress an eye roll. It is a silent warning to be kind and an attempt to calm me down. I see the therapist look at Stef's hand, catching it as well. I know it's her job to examine us, but it freaks me out. I think I surprised everyone. That was the first thing I said, correcting the therapist.
"My apologies, I am glad you corrected me" Dr. McCord says, "Would you like your Mama to give me an overview?" I nod.
Lena puts her hand on my shoulder and squeezes it. I half listen as Lena describes everything that has happened since I came into her life. She does a good job, including only the important things, in about fifteen minutes. She did way better than I could. It was hard to hear her share the things I did and some of the ways I behaved. I couldn't help my facial expressions. Stef would squeeze my leg whenever I cringed and then rub it soothingly. So motherly, I love it.
"Thank you for giving me an overview Lena. It sounds like you all are extremely grateful to be reunited, I am so thankful you were able to find each other. However it also sounds like it was a very emotional week, which is completely understandable. I would like to start asking you some questions Ella, would you like your moms to stay?" I shrug.
"Would you like one of them to stay?" I debate this. I think it would be easier to talk alone, but I also think if one of them is here it would be better cause I am not good at describing things. Telling them things I learned in therapy will be too hard. If one of them is in here they will be on the same page with me. After thinking for probably a solid sixty seconds, I nod.
"Who would you like to stay, sweets?" Stef asks. I shrug.
"I don't wanna pick. You two can choose." I kinda want Lena, but I don't want to say it. I look up at her quickly. She makes eye contact with me and winks. I think she can tell I want her. I look down quickly, embarrassed. She rubs my back.
"I will stay, Stef." Stef gives Lena and I a kiss on the cheek and walks out.
"So Ella, what were you feeling when your Mama was describing everything that happened?" I shrug.
"Is it difficult to share your feelings?" I nod. "Is there something that I could do to help you feel more comfortable?" Is there? Probably not. I shake my head no. I don't realize it until Lena puts her arm around me, but I am completely tucked into her side, tightly.
"Are you open to trying?" I nod. "Can you start with my question?" I nod.
"Uhm, I felt kind of embarrassed about some of the things I did or said, but also it made me realize how much has happened in such a short amount of time. It actually made me feel a little better. I have been so overwhelmed and hearing everything laid out like that made me realize anyone would be overwhelmed if they went through that too. It was hard to hear about getting kidnapped." There, I tried.
"I am sure hearing their version of getting kidnapped could be quite difficult. It makes it more real and causes things to resurface sometimes. Do you feel weak because you are overwhelmed?" I nod.
"Why do you think that is?" I shrug. "Can you try?" I nod.
I subconsciously pick up Lena's hand and set it in my lap. I start playing with her fingers and rings. I realize I must look like a little kid. I ignore her question.
"Sometimes I feel younger than 13, then I feel crazy," I whisper.
"Well, I will start with you are not crazy, I have seen crazy, even though we aren't supposed to say that." I look at the therapist, shocked she said that. She winks and I give her a half smile. That was funny, it made me like her a little more. She probably did that on purpose. "Sometimes when we go through trauma at a young age, our brain's ability to develop emotionally gets halted. From what your Mama said you are very intelligent, so your brain is working just fine, yet emotionally you may feel younger. Trauma halts our emotional development. Emotional development is learning about feelings and emotions. Understanding why and how they occur, recognising them and learning how to manage them in healthy ways. Including your ability to control your responses. Our feelings become a driving force of what we say and do. It is nothing to be ashamed about. When you were taken you didn't get a lot of the proper care or treatment a young child needs. You didn't get love, structure or the parenting you needed. That adds an extra layer to your ability to function emotionally. Does that make sense?" I nod. It does.
"Can you think of a time when you felt younger?" I nod. "Will you share it?" I nod. I don't know why I nod first and then share. I should just start talking, but I don't.
"When I had a bad dream. I think it was when I was kidnapped." I whispered, feeling very vulnerable.
"Do you want to tell me about what happened in the dream?" I shake my head no. "What made you feel young?"
"I was young in the dream, probably like five. I felt everything as if it was really happen to me in the moment. I woke up and still felt all those feelings. I felt very scared and like a five year old. I even called Stef Mommy and crawled into the bed with her. I don't think I would have done that if I hadn't been woken up in the middle of my dream. It felt like it was happening at the moment and I needed her to prevent me from getting taken. It was embarrassing."
"What was embarrassing?"
"Well calling her Mommy for one. I am 13. Then crawling into bed with her without thinking, it makes me feel stupid. I also was so disoriented I thought the man was actually trying to take me that night." I slowly move away from Lena and put my legs up to my chest curling into a little ball. Suddenly feeling very exposed and like I needed to keep myself safe.
…..
We are on our way home from the therapy appointment. Stef and Lena are in the front and I am in the back. It got better towards the end, the therapist helped me feel not so crazy. It was hard to have Lena in there, but I am glad I made that choice. Now they know what is going on, I don't have to explain it. I still didn't talk about my dream though. I feel really tired and drained. We pull into the driveway, but I am lost in thought so I don't move.
"You okay, Ella?" I snap out of my daydream when I hear Stef's voice and see her looking at me through the rear view mirror.
"Oh, yeah, sorry." I go to open the car, but they stop me.
"Wait honey, do you need anything? I know that was a lot, but you did a great job. I am really proud of you." Stef says, turning around.
"I am okay. Just tired." I get out quickly before they make me answer another question.
The night was a blur and mundane. I did homework, ate dinner, some more homework and now I am in bed staring at the ceiling trying to fall asleep. I am trying to catch up on some of the homework I missed cause I started late in the year. I am drained emotionally, physically and mentally. Tomorrow I have soccer practice, which I am really excited for and try to use that as motivation to fall asleep.
…..
I head out to the sports field early Tuesday after school. Practice doesn't start for another 30 minutes. It was a good school day. I actually really enjoy learning. The teachers at Anchor Beach are ten times better than any other school I have been to. I enter the locker room and hear laughter. There are two sophomores and a junior sitting on the benches in between the lockers laughing. They are passing a baggie between themselves. Luckily I like these three, they are nice.
"Hey Gabriella, how's it going?" A girl named Olivia asks me. She is a sophomore. She is kind of a trouble maker, but is kind to everyone. She breaks rules a lot and her family is pretty rich.
"Actually, it is Ella."
"Oh sorry," Olivia says, walking over to me.
"It's okay."
"I am really glad you made captain, you deserve it."
"Are you being sarcastic?" I ask her, thinking she would want it.
"No, it's too much responsibility for me. I thought it was pretty bad ass how you stood up to Maddie the other day too." I blush a little.
"Thanks."
"Want to hang out with us?" Olivia asks.
"Sure." I walk over and sit with her and the two other girls. Their names are Emily and Avery. Avery is the junior.
"Want a gummy?" Emily asks.
"Emily." Olivia reprimands.
"What, she won't tell mommy, right?"
"Tell what?"
"It's a pot gummy," Avery says.
"Oh. No thanks." Oh gosh, I would get in big trouble being around pot.
"It's not bad, you know. Some people actually get it prescribed to them for anxiety. It helps clear your mind. Avery has a prescription." Emily adds.
"You don't have to," Olivia adds.
"Why are you so tense?" Avery asks Olivia.
"Well, her Mom is the Vice Principal of our school, in case you have forgotten, and her other Mom is a police officer. Plus aren't you like 13?" Olivia adds. I realize how bad that does sound. I get kind of annoyed that I am probably going to get treated differently from my moms profession and my age.
"Yes, I am 13, but it's fine, I won't say anything."
"See, she's chill. Do you want to just try a bite?" I look at what Emily is offering me. I know I shouldn't, but I get excited at the thought of being rebellious and sneaky. I also want to fit in. I like these girls. They may break rules, but they are nice and have each other's back. They have been through things too. I feel like we would get along well.
"Why not." I grab a gummy worm and take a nibble. The others laugh.
"You may want an actual bite, not a lick." Olivia adds. I blush and take ¼ of the gummy in my mouth.
"There, you will feel it soon. It's great." Avery adds with a wink. Hopefully this wasn't a terrible mistake.