My school day is almost over and I am dreading going home. I know I am in trouble. Major trouble. They are still upset with me for the pot gummies and I am already grounded for a month. After putting my hands on Stef, I don't even want to know what they are going to do. Are they going to make me leave? They wouldn't do that right? I am their kid. But they have favorites. I keep thinking I want nothing to do with them, but then the thought of them making me leave hurts. It hurts badly. I am so confused. I am a mess.
I get my stuff and head out to the soccer field. Mama, or I mean Lena, is there. I know she is making sure I really show up. I just roll my eyes, ignore her and go get changed.
"Hey," Olivia says, walking over to my locker.
"Hi," I mumble. It's not her fault I got caught, but I feel annoyed.
"What is your problem?"
"Well, I got caught and am grounded for a month."
"Oh my gosh, did you tell them where you got it?" She asks nervously.
"Of course I didn't. I made up a story. An old foster kid, remember? It isn't hard to have friends who do drugs."
"Well good."
"Don't worry Olivia, I am not a snitch."
"Well listen, there is a party this weekend, will you come?"
"My parents will not let me go."
"Sneak out and I will come get you."
"You drive?" I ask.
"Yeah, I am 16." She reminds me.
"I am not sure, I am already in so much trouble. My parents would kill me."
"Well, it's up to you, but I really want you there."
"Don't you have an entire group of friends, why do you want to hang out with a freshman?"
"I am only a sophomore, I got held back a year because I missed so much school."
"Oh, I thought you were a junior."
"Nope. I don't know. My friends aren't really my true friends. They seem to really only use me for popularity and the fact that my family has a lot of money. I can tell you don't really care about those things. It's nice."
I can't help but feel happy about what she is saying. I could care less about those things. Maybe I could be an actual good friend to her.
"I can't, I am sorry. Once I am not grounded, you could come over? I don't want my parents to get mad at me." I walk away from her quickly, not wanting her to try and convince me to sneak out.
Soccer practice finishes and I can't help the attitude I have. Lena was there the entire time. It was so embarrassing. I try to leave the field without her seeing me. I walked by her quickly and sneakily trying to get out of there so I could walk home.
"Hey Ella, wait up." Lena sees me.
"What LENA!?" I turn around angrily, snapping.
"Ella, that was not okay. There is no need to be disrespectful, I would just like to drive you home."
"I can walk," I say, turning around. She catches my arm. Although she did it very gently, it didn't frighten me.
"Honey, I know you are upset, but you are still grounded and I am not comfortable with you walking home alone. Come on please. It is not a choice." I look into her soft eyes and I see the love in there. I get so confused, everytime I think that I am going to push them away, I can't. I know they truly care and it makes it hard for me to resist them. I roll my eyes but I listen and follow her to the car.
It is silent most of the way home. I feel a hand on my leg and look down. Mama's hand. I feel my walls crumble a little. I look back out the window, but quietly take her hand in mine. I can't see her face, but I know if I looked she would be smiling right now. Is she mad at me or not? I can't tell. She is holding my hand even after I did all those things. Weird.
We get home and release our hands. I still don't look at her. I just slowly get out of the car and walk to the door. I look back and see she has more bags than normal. I go back over and take some things out of her hands.
"Thanks honey." She says kindly. I just shrug and help her get her stuff inside. We walk into the kitchen and Stef is there chopping veggies.
"Hello my loves!" She walks over and gives me a kiss on the cheek and then gives Lena a quick peck on the lips.
"How was your day guys?" Stef looks at me and I just shrug. She gives me a soft smile and then looks at Lena.
"It was good, busy, but good! How about you honey?" Lena answers.
"It was okay, mostly did paperwork, so honestly it was pretty boring," she chuckles.
"Can't say I am complaining," Lena says.
Callie walks into the kitchen and I can't help but scoff. Oops that was loud. Everyone just looks at me puzzled.
"Sorry, I thought of something that has nothing to do with anything we are talking about." I give a fake reassuring smile. Probably not convincing. Callie stares at me for a second before moving on.
"Mom, can I talk to you?" Callie asks Stef. I roll my eyes. I look over at Lena and realized she caught me. Crap.
"I am going to go do my homework," I say walking upstairs to my room.
Mariana is there.
"Ugh, what an annoying day." I say looking at her.
"Well, hello to you too." She says and I chuckle.
"Sorry Mari, I honestly don't know what I would do without you, you are the only one I can trust around here, Jesus too though."
"Are you okay Ella, you seem upset?"
"Just frustrated. I have so many emotions and I keep making bad decisions. Now I have a lot of punishments and they are about to dish out more, from this morning, I am sure."
"What happened this morning?"
"Well, I tried to leave without permission and was already grounded and then I almost shoved Stef off of me. I would have, if Lena didn't intervene."
"Yikes, yeah, don't get physical with them."
There is a knock on the door and Lena peaks her head in.
"Hey Mariana, how was your day sweetheart?" She asks Lena, leaning down to give her a kiss.
"Good, just have a lot of homework to do."
"Well, I will leave you to it," Lena states, "Ella can I borrow you?"
I just sight but follow her out of our room into hers.
"Honey, are you upset with Callie?" Lena asks.
"No."
"Then why do you seem to get angry or upset whenever she comes into the room?"
"I don't."
"Are you sure?" Lena tries again.
"Yup." I hear Lena sigh and almost feel bad. Not bad enough to tell the truth. I can see her frustration and it makes me want to fix it.
"Let's go downstairs, the three of us need to talk and I would like you to help me with dinner." I sigh and stand up.
Lena starts to leave the room and I am just sitting on the bed.
"Wait, Mama!"
"What is it, honey?" Lena says, turning around. I don't say anything. I just run to her and wrap my arms around her as tight as I can. Holding on for dear life. I feel her arms wrap around me, holding me equally as tight. I let out a deep breath and just let myself be wrapped in my Mama's warm embrace. I am feeling frustrated, but I need this. I know I am going to be in trouble and I am not going to like our conversation. What if they put me back in the foster system? I need some reassurance. I am scared they aren't gonna want me.
"Lena, do you guys…"
She pulls back a little and I can see her eyes glistening.
"What honey?"
"Well, are you going to make me go back in the system? I have messed up so much and I am sorry. I know I am all over the place, but I really don't want to leave you. I am so hot and cold, I feel crazy. I am so sorry." I start crying hysterically now.
"Oh honey" Lena leads me to sit on the bed with her. She leans against the headboard and pulls me close to her so she can keep holding me. "My sweet girl, Mom and I love you more than you could ever know. We will never give up on you. You are our daughter and you will stay with us forever. I promise you. We will NEVER reject or abandon you willingly. We love you so much Ella and that will never change. You are stuck with us." I just nod and keep crying as she rubs my back.
"Ella honey, just because you make mistakes doesn't mean you will lose us as parents. Our love is unconditional, it isn't based on performance. You may get in trouble, but we aren't going anywhere. Okay?"
I nod.
"No baby, tell me what I said."
"Just cause I mess up doesn't mean you will give me up. We are together forever."
"Absolutely." She keeps holding me tight as I let the tears flow. I bury my face in her hair and smell her coconut shampoo.
"You know Ella, you have always done that." I can hear the smile in her voice.
"Done what?"
"Bury your face into my curls and smell the coconut shampoo." I start blushing in embarrassment. "Don't be embarrassed, you have always loved it. I never changed my shampoo since the day you left, hoping one day, you would be in my arms and getting comforted by the scent of my shampoo again"
I pull back and look at her. "Really?"
"Of course baby, I love you so much." I just look at Lena.
"Lena, or Mama, or Lena, I don't know what to call you sometimes, if I am honest."
"Whatever you are comfortable with honey. Although, I do love hearing you call me Mama. What is it?"
"Well, do you and Stef have favorites?" I ask, biting my lip nervously.
"Oh sweetheart, did you hear our conversation this morning?" I just look away with fresh tears threatening to fall.
"My dear, I wish you would have come and told me. I could clear it up. We absolutely don't have favorites. Stef and I just pick on each other. We say that about all our kids. When you first got here, Stef joked that you were my favorite because we connected so deeply at school. I joked last week that Jesus was Stef's favorite cause they play basketball together and watch Padres games. It is just a silly little thing the two of us do to each other, but we talk about everyone that way." I feel relieved, but also stupid for getting so upset over a misunderstanding.
"I thought you loved Callie and Jude more, it was why I was so angry this morning. I was scared and hurt."
"Honey, please, please come to us if you are feeling hurt by something we did, so we can work through it. We could have saved you an entire day of feeling so badly. I am so sorry you heard that out of context baby. We absolutely adore all our kids. You are all genuinely our favorites. I promise you are all loved, safe, treated and valued equally. Okay, my love?" She pulls me in for another hug.
"Yes Mama," I say, burying my face in her hair again. "I love you, Mama."
"I love you too, my baby."
—-
It is after dinner time and Stef, Lena and I are sitting on their bed.
"Mama told me about the conversation you heard this morning. I am so sorry baby. You weren't supposed to hear that. We were just playing. I could see how upsetting that would be and I am so sorry you went through that." Stef says looking at me earnestly and squeezing my hand.
"Thanks Mom," I whisper. She grins big and I just look down embarrassed.
"We understand that this morning, you were responding based upon the conversation, so it makes sense that you were trying to get away and your walls were up. However, we can't ignore the behavior of pushing one of us away. Aggressive physical contact is never okay in this house, do you understand?" Stef says, looking stern.
"I didn't actually do it."
"Ella," Stef starts, "can you honestly say if Mama hadn't intervened, that you would have not pushed me?"
I shrug.
"Ella honey, we have to work together. In order for us to work through things, we all need to be honest," Lena says.
"Fine, I would have pushed you if Lena hadn't gotten involved."
"Thank you for being honest." Stef says. "Here is what is going to happen. You are still grounded for a month. You will also be working out with me three times a week." I look at Stef shocked.
"Exercise is my punishment?"
"Well, it's not really a punishment, sweets. However, it is a requirement." I open my mouth to argue that they are the same thing and Stef just gives me a stern look, continuing before I can speak. "We just think you have a lot of pent up aggression and anger and we want to help you let it out in healthier ways. I take runs most mornings and lift weights, you can pick the days and you will join me. Okay?" Stef adds.
I nod. Not so bad, I actually want to spend time with Stef.
"We also decided that you may have friends over as long as you are following the rules. However, you will not be able to go out and do things without Stef or I for the month you are grounded. You will also be allowed to have your phone, but it stays unlocked and Stef and I can view it anytime. Understood?" I nod, this feels better than the original month.
"Why can I do things with friends here?" I ask curious.
"We want you to be able to make friends and we realized that it isn't helping you by totally cutting everyone off. However, I don't want you to think we are backing down on your punishment. We aren't. If you abuse this privilege, no social activities for the entire month. We sometimes adjust punishments if something seems better for your health. Does that make sense?" Lena adds.
"Yes." I say. I am excited, maybe Olivia can come over.
"So, when does that privilege start exactly?" I say, trying to look innocent. They both kind of smirk, seeming to know that I am trying to soften them up.
"Let's wait until next week, what did you have in mind?" Lena chimes in.
"Well, my friend from the soccer team, Olivia, invited me to her house this weekend, but I told her I couldn't because I am grounded, so maybe she could come here next week?"
"Sure honey, we would be happy to meet your friends." I can't help but grin very largely.
I pull my phone out and invite her over next week.