- Part 1 -
Arrhythmia
Give me a reason to end this discussion,
To break with tradition, to fall and divide.
Because I hate the ocean, theme parks, and airplanes,
Talking with strangers, waiting in line...
I'm through with these pills that make me sit still.
"Are you feeling fine?"
Yes, I feel just fine.
-Motion City Soundtrack
Aubrey manages to open the door to her hotel room with her elbows then she kicks it shut with her heel. The blood on the room key can be washed off when she cleans her hands, but she doesn't feel like going back to wash it off the door handle if she doesn't have to. She's sick of seeing the blood, and, worse, of smelling it. She has a strong stomach and she doesn't mind blood, but it's different when she can feel the sticky liquid dripping down her wrists as she holds her arms upright in front of her. Most of it has dried already and the rust-colored flakes turn her stomach just as much as the areas that are still moist. She breathes deeply and tells herself that she is not going to throw up. She'll feel better after she has cleaned herself up. At least even if she does throw up, it will be mostly out of disgust as opposed to from stress. That makes her feel a little better already.
The suite is completely silent. She walks swiftly across the living room then down the hall, pausing only once to peer into the bedroom. Chloe is still fast asleep – resting on her stomach with her arms wrapped around a pillow. For the first time ever, Aubrey is relieved that Chloe could sleep until one in the afternoon if she let her. She's not really in the mood to play Twenty Questions about why she's wandering into their room covered in blood. At least not before she's had the chance to wash it off anyway. She slips into the bathroom, tosses the room key into the sink (it's too big to slip down the drain), uses her elbows again to shut the door, then flips the light switch with her upper arm - despite that the room is already light enough. The extra light diminishes some shadows and makes her feel less jumpy. She's annoyed with herself for feeling anxious in the first place.
She lets out a breath and moves on autopilot – turning on the water and adjusting it to the right temperature. She wonders if the injured deer roaming around the forest is the same one she saw right before she ran into Beca. She can picture it in her head, limping around out there, slowly bleeding out. Stop thinking, Aubrey. The color drains out of her face, but her expression remains neutral. She breathes through her mouth and tries to stay calm. The water runs clears from the faucet then turns pink after it hits the room key and flows down the drain. She looks away from it and up at the mirror. Her reflection is not the first thing she sees.
CRAZY
The smeared, red letters cause her to jump back away from the sink and nearly trip over her own feet. Her back hits the wall. She doesn't quite comprehend the word at first; she just sees that it's there and knows that it shouldn't be. She purses her lips and draws her brows together in the time it takes for each letter to sink in. It feels like she assesses the bloody word and the meaning behind it in slow motion, but, in reality, it takes less than a second. Her nostrils flare and tears burn her eyes. She knows immediately that Beca would never go this far. She would never go out of her way to take such blows at Aubrey – especially not where Chloe could potentially stumble across them. Plus, Beca was at the cliffs, not here at the inn. It has to be a Treble. Bumper, perhaps? She doesn't know any of them well enough to determine suspects. Maybe she should call the sheriff. But then she would have to tell Chloe why he's here. She reasons quickly that the word is not a threat and it's nothing that she needs to shed light on. It's just a cruel prank.
Still, she thinks in terms of evidence for a moment. The letters appear to have been written with someone's finger, so there are bound to be prints all over them. If she did call the sheriff, it may not be that difficult to figure out who in the wedding party is the culprit. The moment she realizes how mortifying it would be for Chloe and the sheriff to see this (no one else thinks she is a 'good egg', after all), none of that matters. She marches forward and cups her hands under the water then wipes them across the mirror. The blood from the words and from her hands smears across the glass. She gathers more water and repeats the process. The liquid runs in pink streams down the mirror and down the wall. She keeps washing it away until there is water covering both the sink and the floor – but it's all clear. In bursts of tearful rage, she throws water at the glass and wipes her hands across it several more times than necessary. There is no sense of satisfaction even after it's clean.
She's regretful once the word is gone. Her arms fall limply to her sides as she stares at her face - looking straight through herself. What if it wasn't just some stupid joke? She destroyed the evidence. She's embarrassed. Chloe could have seen that. Was the blood from the same source as the blood on her hands? It had to be from the deer. It was from the deer, right? The deer is just limping around out there, helpless and dying. Her head really hurts. It won't shut off. She can't stop thinking. She feels disconnected. She feels like she is going to throw up. There is still blood on her hands. She wants to stop thinking. Should she fear for her safety? Should she fear for Chloe's safety? Bile rises in her throat. She swallows it down. Relax. It's just the Trebles being immature dicks.
Aubrey sniffles and wipes her face with the back of her arm then hits the hot water handle with her palm. She shoves her hands under the stream of water then pulls them back out and pumps too many squirts of hand soap to count onto her palm. The water begins to billow steam and it scalds her skin as she moves her hands back under it. She rubs her hands together and scrubs away the blood with her nails. The soap washes away so she adds more. She doesn't really think past the thoughts racing through her head to acknowledge her actions – just dully realizes that she needs to remove the blood from underneath her fingernails as well. She watches the water run clear into the drain and keeps scrubbing to remove the feeling of shame brought on by the word scrawled on the mirror. It's not true. Her fingernails play the role of Brillo Pads against her hands and lower arms. She frantically presses harder because she can't feel. Tears blur her vision and she swallows thickly to choke them back. She is not crazy. Her shoulders tense and her eyes narrow and take on a hard glint as her hands turn red but she still doesn't feel okay. Immature dicks.
The bathroom door suddenly opens and Aubrey yanks her hands out from under the water. She spins to face a groggy-looking Chloe and folds her arms, hiding her hands by folding her arms. Her heart is pounding from the possibility of Chloe seeing what she was doing. "What the hell, Chloe?" she snaps and frowns at her. God, she wishes that woman had some concept of privacy. She stands straight up, hoping that in her half-asleep daze Chloe doesn't realize anything is wrong.
Chloe looks up from rubbing her eyes and squints in the light. "Sorry," she expresses earnestly and bites her lip.
"Don't you knock?" Aubrey already knows the answer to that though. She can probably count the amount of times she's seen Chloe actually knock on a door as opposed to just bursting into a room on one hand. "For serious, Chloe, knock next time."
Chloe frowns at her. "I thought the door would be locked if you were in here," she defends herself. "It's not like you were going to the bathroom. You're just…" She pauses and looks around, her eyes landing on the running water. She wrinkles her nose. "You're just burning a hole through the sink."
Aubrey snaps her head in the direction of the sink. The steam is starting to fill the entire bathroom. She unfolds her arms and quickly turns the water off. "Get out," she demands and motions toward the door.
Chloe scoffs at her. "I have to go to the bathroom, Grumpy." She scrunches her face as she walks around Aubrey. "You get out."
Aubrey scowls at her. Her cheeks flush a deep shade of crimson and burn worse than her hands as Chloe pushes her underwear down. "Chloe!" she exclaims and spins around so her back is to her.
"What?" Chloe matches her tone. "I really have to go and you don't appear to be leaving." She pauses. "What were you doing in here anyway? There's water everywhere."
Aubrey pinches the bridge of her nose. She should be used to this – considering Chloe refuses to close the bathroom door whenever she has to go at home. "What are you doing in here?" she evades the question.
"Peeing, Aubrey," Chloe answers bluntly. She's starting to sound whiny now. Typical morning-Chloe.
Aubrey groans under her breath and rubs one of her hands down her face. Her arms feel stiff from tripping over the trap and it hurts to move them. "Stop being infuriating," she bites then tries to quell her anger so she doesn't take it all out on Chloe.
The toilet flushes and Chloe steps up beside her and turns on the sink. She tries to pump soap out of the bottle. It's empty. She tosses it in the trash. "I just woke up," she pouts as if that's her excuse and rinses her hands off under the water. She turns off the faucet then dries her hands on a towel. She sniffs quietly then turns and wraps her arms around Aubrey's waist from the side. She rests her head against her shoulder for a moment before looking up at her. "How was running this morning?"
Aubrey flinches away from her at just the mention of it and Chloe drops her hands back down to her sides. She regrets it after she does it, only because she knows that it's going to lead to Chloe questioning her. She clenches her jaw and shakes her head, stepping out of the bathroom with Chloe following slowly behind her. Her lungs feel slightly less constricted in the hallway. She looks down at her hands and finds herself checking then double checking them to make sure there is no blood left. She looks them over for a third time then, tears burning her eyes, looks up at Chloe – who is staring at her like she's just trying to figure out how to address whatever the situation is. She clenches her teeth and doesn't know what to say to her.
"You know you can talk to me, Aubrey." Chloe's voice is hesitant, but still manages to maintain a soft, soothing tone. "I can tell whatever you're upset over is more than just Beca and the wedding. Is it about last night?"
Aubrey diverts her gaze to the floor. Her jaw is starting to hurt from how tightly she's pressing her teeth together. She lifts her hands and checks under her fingernails to make sure she really did wash off all of the blood.
"Aubrey…"
"I'm not crazy, Chloe," Aubrey blurts out and looks up. The corners of her lips twitch despite her best efforts to keep a neutral expression. She said too much even by saying that little.
Chloe blinks. "I never said that you-"
"You know what, just forget it," Aubrey cuts her off and holds up a hand to stop her from speaking. "Just drop it, Chloe," she adds before Chloe can get another word in. She lets her hand fall back down to her side. This isn't a conversation she wants to be having right now – or ever. The point is that she isn't crazy, and it doesn't need to be discussed further than that. She's fine. Beca taped the photograph to the refrigerator then came back for it. Jesse is just an idiot. And the Trebles are douchebags who somehow managed to break in without waking Chloe – which isn't all that shocking considering Chloe could sleep through a bomb going off. She hasn't figured out the music yet, but she'll find who is doing that too.
"Aubrey, talk to me," Chloe tries to coerce her. She reaches forward and rests a hand against Aubrey's arm.
Aubrey jolts back away from the physical contact. She doesn't deserve such comfort right now – not after everything she has managed to screw up. "Stop touching me, Chloe!" she raises her voice without meaning to. Her irritation with herself makes her blood boil.
Chloe presses both hands to her forehead. "Okay," she whispers, appearing momentarily distressed by the yelling. "Okay." She holds her hands flat in front of her. "Can we not go through this, Bree?" She gives Aubrey a pleading look.
Not going through this is fine with Aubrey – although she is sure that her interpretation of Chloe's words is not at all what Chloe meant by them. She momentarily considers just giving in and explaining in detail the events of last night and this morning, but what if Chloe doesn't believe her? Or what if she does but thinks that Aubrey just deserves what she gets for being so hard on the Bellas and for already seeming like she's out to make the week miserable for everyone? She'll take Treble harassment over Chloe's judgment any day. Maybe her anxiety has just turned into full-blown insanity. She's a fool for even considering burdening Chloe with what's happening. Her lips tremble against her will and she spins around before Chloe can see she's upset beyond anger. They don't need to go through this. She storms down the hall and into the bedroom.
Maybe she is just crazy.
"Aubrey, you need to stop for a second," Chloe says seriously as she follows her.
Aubrey spins around to face her again once she's standing beside her suitcase. Chloe doesn't understand. She won't understand. Aubrey wants to tell her. She presses her lips together and straightens her posture to feel better about herself as she tries to ignore the heaviness in her chest. "Everything is fine," she says with a level of calmness that she has no idea how she manages to muster. She keeps her breaths even (even though her lungs feel like they're going to explode again) and plasters the best smile she can manage on her face. "It's fine."
Chloe looks appalled by Aubrey's words. "Since when did we start lying to each other like this?" She walks over to the bed and sits down on the corner of it, folding her arms across her chest. "Let's just go home."
"We're not going home," Aubrey responds without missing a beat. She can't go home now. Not when she took a mental oath to get through this wedding like a Posen.
"Yesterday, you wanted to go home," Chloe points out. "Now I want to go home."
"We're not going home," Aubrey repeats curtly. She doesn't really believe that Chloe actually wants to go home; she just wants them to stop fighting. Aubrey doesn't want to fight either. She absently scratches her nails hard against her palms as she tries to figure out how to fix this.
"Fine," Chloe whispers and shakes her head. She clenches her jaw and gets to her feet, glancing around the room for a moment before she begins to make the bed. She pouts as she pulls at the blankets a little too roughly and just makes them messier.
Aubrey rolls her eyes at Chloe's sulking and turns around. She kneels down on the floor and digs through the odds and ends she didn't take out of her suitcase. She pulls out the bottle of Xanax she has been taking for the past four years with shaky hands. She can still feel her hands burning from the hot water scalding them and her fingernails scraping them – a sensation she hasn't felt in at least five years. Trying to keep the bottle out of Chloe's sight, despite that it's no secret she takes the pills, she presses her palm down on the cap and twists it open. If this is all just a result of her being crazy, these will fix it – or so she desperately tries to convince herself. She reminds herself that if she wasn't crazy, she wouldn't be taking them to begin with. She swallows back anger and shakes two pills out onto her palm.
"Aubrey, you're only supposed to take one of those," Chloe points out. Her voice is laced with concern and maybe even slight fear.
"This is not your business, Chloe." Aubrey caps the bottle and tosses it back in her suitcase then looks down at the medication in her hand. Is the fact that she has to take medication not humiliating enough? She closes her fingers around the pills in her palm then climbs to her feet. She's become used to handling the bottle around Chloe, but she's not going to deal with the embarrassment of taking the pills in front of her. She digs her nails into her skin and attempts to keep her chin from quivering as she steps out into the hall.
"Aubrey!" Chloe reprimands her in a firm tone.
Aubrey ignores her. She tosses the two pills into her mouth and dry swallows them before Chloe can follow her. She is not crazy. But it hits her that now Chloe probably thinks that she is. She retreats back into the bathroom before Chloe can get to her to convince her to talk. This time, she locks the door.