- Part 1 -
Arrhythmia
And I hate to say I love you,
When it's so hard for me.
And I hate to say I want you,
When you make it so clear,
You don't want me.
I'd never ask you, 'cause deep down,
I'm certain, I know what you'd say.
You'd say,
"I'm sorry, believe me, I love you, but not in that way."
-Sam Smith
"Chloe, stop!"
Chloe marches around the side of the inn with her arms folded tightly across her chest – Aubrey trailing right behind her. She twists the handle to their room and pushes on the door with her shoulder, but it doesn't budge. She swallows thickly and places her other hand flat on the door as she tries to open it again.
Aubrey pulls the room key out of her pocket. "What the hell?" she demands an explanation for what just happened. She's barely able to contain her fury. It burns her insides like she swallowed a fireball. "Do you realize that Beca is getting married and you just asked her to have sex with us? In front of her fiancé nonetheless? How did you expect her to react to that?" She has to take a second to breathe. "What were you even thinking, Chloe?"
"What do you want to hear, Aubrey?" Chloe spins away from the door to face her and holds her arms out away from her sides. "That I wasn't thinking?" The tears welling up in her eyes threaten to leak down her face. "Fine. I wasn't thinking."
Aubrey steps up beside her and unlocks the door. She turns her head and meets Chloe's gaze before she opens the door. "It seems to me that you were thinking exceptionally clearly," she states then walks inside. The realization of the thought doesn't hit her until it's said out loud. She tosses the key on the table beside the door then turns around to look at Chloe again. Tears begin stinging her own eyes, but she excels at holding them back. If anything gives away the intensity of her emotions, she knows it will be her fingers picking at the skin next to her thumb nails. She can't seem to stop once she starts doing it. She swallows hard and tries to deny to herself that Chloe might have been using her in order to get to Beca.
Chloe spins around to face her fully and remains standing just outside the door with her hands on her hips. Her lips part and she lets out a breath of what looks a lot like disbelief after Aubrey speaks. "You think I knew she was going to walk in there with Jesse?" Her chin trembles and she presses her lips together and glances around outside.
"I think you knew she was going to walk in there," Aubrey answers as though she's confident about her assumption. She questions it in her head. Panics. Then forces herself not to think anymore. She clenches her teeth to keep the corners of her lips from twitching and stares hard at Chloe – just waiting for Chloe to confirm her fear.
Chloe drops one arm to her side and leans heavily on the opposite side – staring off into the distance for a moment. She finally straightens up and turns to face Aubrey, folding her arms across her chest in the process. She sniffles and doesn't bother to wipe away the first tear as it glides down her cheek then sticks to her chin. Aubrey has to fight the urge to wipe it away herself. "I wanted to feel good, Aubrey," she murmurs in just above a whisper. She swallows hard and shakes her head then steps inside and closes the door. "You know what, that's not even important to you." She wipes at her chin with the back of her hand and starts making her way toward the bedroom.
Aubrey stares at the door for a moment, not understanding what she said. It doesn't matter. This argument isn't over. "You can't just walk away, Chloe," she states matter-of-factly. Her mouth is drawn taut with anxiety and she tenses her shoulders – continuing to pick at the skin next to her nails. She doesn't want to hear that Chloe used her to get to Beca, but she has to. She has to know.
Chloe spins around immediately. "I wanted to feel good!" she repeats and swings one of her hands out to the side – accidentally smacking her knuckles hard against the wall. She immediately draws her hand back in and holds it against her chest, dropping her shirt and pressing her knuckles into the palm of her other hand. The tears flooding her eyes start to tumble down in waves – gathering at her chin then falling and sliding down her chest. Aubrey doesn't even have a chance to ask if she's okay. She just eyes Chloe's hand in concern.
"Beca asked me to choose an icing for her wedding cake," Chloe continues in a brittle voice that wavers with almost every word. "I thought if I could convince you to make me feel good while I was doing it, I could…I thought…I…" She does that thing again where she tries to make words but they just don't form. She gives up quickly on trying to finish her sentence. "So, no, Aubrey, I didn't know she was going to walk in." Aubrey expects her to walk away now, but she doesn't. "There wasn't some secret motivation. I feel like shit here, and I wanted you to care. Can you just accept that sometimes I need you?"
The room fills with silence. Aubrey diverts her gaze to the ground – briefly thinking on Chloe's words. No definitive answer to her question comes to mind. She looks up again and just stares at her, waiting for her to continue – thinking maybe if she stays quiet, Chloe will say something that will convince her that those words are the truth, that Chloe needs her. But by the sounds of it, she only needs her to cover up the hurt that Beca caused.
Chloe lowers her hands with her knuckles still pressed into her palm. She stares off to the side for a moment before turning in Aubrey's direction again. She doesn't look at her – just looks at a spot off to the right. "That's fine," she says thickly and shakes her head. Aubrey tries to decipher what that means – but it's impossible when she can't figure out what's running through Chloe's mind. It sure doesn't seem like anything is fine. Chloe turns around without another word and continues making her way to the bedroom.
Aubrey exhales a breath of confused frustration and stares at her back. "You're being ridiculous, Chloe," she lets slip out. "All over some-"
"Don't, Aubrey," Chloe warns her. "Just don't."
xxxxx
Aubrey puffed out her cheeks and tried to ignore the burning sensation in her eyes as she stared down at the thick law book on the hotel desk. It was nearing two in the morning, Chloe still wasn't back, and she might have had one too many glasses of wine. Or maybe everything just felt blurry because she had been reading for too long. She flipped a page and swallowed the last of the bitter, red liquid then placed her elbow on the table and her head against her hand. Just because it wasn't unusual for her not to be invited out on one of Chloe's dates didn't mean it didn't make her jealous. They were a 'thing' now after all, and that had to give her some sort of right to worry when she was left out. They were a 'thing' – as Chloe had so eloquently put it a few months before. The thought made the corners of Aubrey's lips turn upward into a not-quite-smile. She was still adjusting, but it was hard to deny that she was getting used to being a 'thing' with Chloe Beale and Beca Mitchell. Maybe the infuriating alt-girl wasn't quite as bad as Aubrey once assumed. She felt an element of pride for beginning to accept that. She closed her book and rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands.
The door opened then closed again with a clicking noise as Aubrey was still scrubbing at her eyes. She dropped her arms to the desk and folded them across her book. "Eleven at night does not mean two in the morning, Chloe," she scolded lightly and looked up to see Chloe fumbling with the metal lock. Her brows furrowed as Chloe couldn't quite latch it in place. Her hands were all over the lock, trying to slide it in the wrong direction. "Are you drunk?" She placed her hands flat on the desk and slowly pushed herself into a standing position. "Chloe?"
"I'm not drunk," Chloe slurred. She lowered her hand from the lock and stared up at it for a moment before turning around. "I'm just drunk." She dropped her keycard on the floor next to the table beside the door then clumsily knelt over and tried to pick it back up – struggling to get a grip on it.
Aubrey walked over and snatched the keycard up off the floor then placed it on the table. She grabbed Chloe by the arm and helped her straighten herself back up. The stench of Tequila and cigarette smoke clinging to Chloe's hair and clothes was enough to make Aubrey feel sick. "No, you're not drunk. You're completely wasted," she pointed out – assessing her uncoordinated movements and the glassy look in her eyes. "Tell me you did not drive back here."
"Aubrey, I'm fine," Chloe stressed each word and smiled up at her. "I just drove like twenty miles." She stepped forward and pressed up against her. Her breath reeked of alcohol to a nauseating extent, and Aubrey had to lean back. "That's not even a lot of miles. I'm not even a lot of drunk. Just like a little bit of drunk." She made a 'little bit' motion with her thumb and pointer finger. "It's fine, Aubrey, it's fine."
"Are you insane?!" Aubrey took a step back. Chloe nearly fell forward. "I can't believe Beca let you drive like this. You should have called me, Chloe. Or called a cab." Aubrey's hands began to shake – although the situation was still unfathomable and she couldn't quite accept it. "Did Beca drive like this too?" she demanded. She was going to kill Beca if she wasn't already in the process of running her car off the side of the road. "This is ridiculous, Chloe. It is ridiculous that either of you would think it's okay for you to-"
"You talk too much," Chloe complained and shook her head. Her lower lip jutted out in a pout. "You're making my head hurt." She nearly tripped over her own feet as she backed up toward the desk where Aubrey had been studying. She grabbed the bottle of wine and tipped it against her lips.
Aubrey stomped forward and snatched the bottle back out of her hands. "What is wrong with you?" She glared at her and placed the bottle back down on the desk.
"Nothing," Chloe insisted. "It's fine. I'm fine. Everything's fine." Tears began to well up in her eyes. "It's all fine. It's fine." She walked back up to Aubrey and closed the distance between them again – their chests and stomachs pressed together, the tips of her fingers resting against the waistband of Aubrey's pajama bottoms. Aubrey grabbed them and pushed them away before Chloe could slip them into her pants. There would be an explanation before there would be sex – if there would be sex.
"For serious, Chloe…"
"Beca changed her mind," Chloe blurted out. Her hands came to rest on Aubrey again and she played with the buttons on her shirt – not trying to unbutton them, just picking at them. She looked down and off to the side. Her lower lip began to tremble and tears began to slowly leak from her eyes.
Aubrey was definitely going to kill Beca. "She stood you up?" she asked and looked toward her phone – tempted to call her right there and then. "We drove all the way here because she wanted to see you and she stood you up?"
Chloe swallowed thickly and shook her head.
Aubrey blinked. "Well then what…" Before she could finish speaking, Chloe stepped forward and wrapped her arms around her. She tucked her face against Aubrey's shoulder and choked over a quiet sob as she entangled her fingers in the fabric of Aubrey's shirt. Aubrey finally took a moment to assess the situation – alcohol, recklessness, tears. She diverted her gaze to the floor and tried to ignore the sinking feeling in her chest. The sensation could only be a fraction of what Chloe felt. She stared downward, trying to process things.
Chloe mumbled against her shoulder – but between the alcohol and her voice being muffled by Aubrey's shirt, Aubrey couldn't make out any of the words other than 'Jesse'. That one word was enough. Chloe's shoulders began to vibrate with shaky sobs and she pressed in closer to Aubrey, warm tears soaking through the fabric of Aubrey's shirt. She lifted a hand and twisted the ends of Aubrey's hair around her fingers.
Beca had changed her mind about them. About her. About Chloe. It finally sunk in. The feeling that it gave Aubrey was foreign and she immediately turned it into rage in an effort to understand it. Her chest tightened and she slowly wrapped her arms around Chloe.
Beca wasn't as bad as Aubrey had once assumed. She was worse.
xxxxxx
Aubrey steps into the bedroom carrying a Ziploc bag filled with ice that she retrieved from the kitchen. Beca and Jesse had fortunately not still been there when she got there. She shifts the bag from one hand to the other and wipes the dampness off on her shirt then sits down on the bed next to Chloe and offers it to her. She tries to glance at Chloe's hand (but Chloe is still clutching it) then looks at the wall in front of her. "You need to put the ice on it, Chloe," she directs her when she doesn't move.
Chloe lifts her head at the sound of Aubrey's voice and momentarily gives her a dazed look before glancing down at the bag. She reaches over and slowly takes it from her then flinches as she presses it against her knuckles. A fresh wave a tears soaks her cheeks and she swallows thickly. She's still for a moment then inches closer to Aubrey until their arms are touching.
Aubrey looks down at her when she feels the bed move. She sighs and takes Chloe's hand, lifting the ice back up again so she can get a look at the damage. Nothing is bruised or swollen. She places Chloe's hand back down flat then moves the ice over it again. Chloe holds the ice in place and stares at the floor. She leans over against Aubrey's side then sniffles and tucks her face against her. Aubrey doesn't say anything. She doesn't know what to say.
"You know it hurts when you do that, right?" Chloe whispers after a moment.
"Do what, Chloe?" Aubrey jerks away from her and turns to face her at the accusation. She'll be damned if this gets twisted on her.
Chloe shakes her head and looks off to the side. "Nothing," she dismisses it in a whisper. She shifts so she's sitting cross-legged on the bed and drops the ice on her lap to wipe her face with her palms. She turns and adjusts the pillow on Aubrey's side of the bed then lies down on her side and places the ice back on her hand. "Forget it."
Aubrey looks at the floor – realizing too late that her voice had sounded way too harsh. She doesn't bother trying to make a recovery that's sure to fail. Chloe doesn't seem intent on speaking anymore either. The room is silent except for Chloe's occasional sniffling, and the longer Aubrey sits there, the angrier at this week she becomes. She's sick of fighting. They rarely do it at home anymore. She shakes her head and pushes herself to her feet. "I'm going out," she announces – although she has no idea where she plans to go. But if Chloe wants her to return, she has her number. But knowing Chloe, she'll probably just sleep. Aubrey is envious that Chloe can just fall asleep for awhile and then wake up good as new again.
"Oh." Chloe stares at the pillow and nods half-heartedly. She grabs her bear and tucks it against her face then uses its fur to wipe away a few tears. "Okay."
Aubrey stares at her.
"It's okay." Chloe sniffles. "Go."
Aubrey nods as she's dismissed. She gives her once last glance then turns and heads toward the door. Chloe's faint sobs immediately begin resonating through the walls once Aubrey is out of the room, but Aubrey realizes all too painfully that she can't fix this. For a moment, she almost wishes she could be some alt-girl with her mad-lib beats who wouldn't be so useless to Chloe rather than Aubrey Posen. (Aren't Posens supposed to be useful to everyone though?) But as she listens to Chloe cry, she realizes that the last person anyone should want to be right now is Beca.