- Part 1 -
Arrhythmia
I have loved you for many years;
Maybe I am just not enough.
You've made me realize my deepest fear,
By lying and tearing us up.
-Sam Smith
The room reeks of cinnamon and chocolate.
Aubrey leans over the stove, stirring the ingredients she took (with permission, of course) from the inn's kitchen around in a pot. Sometimes when Chloe is upset, Aubrey makes hot chocolate. Even more often, she makes it when they're both upset. Not when they're angry - but when there is that empty void in the pits of their stomachs that nothing can seem to fill. She might make it if she, herself, was the only one upset, but then she would have to admit to that deep sinking feeling that occasionally eats away at her. And she'd have to put too much effort into trying to logic out how a few spoonfuls of cocoa powder and some milk can manage to fill the space. Phenylethylamine?
She adds a dash of vanilla extract and whisks it around then lowers the temperature of the stove to keep everything warm. By the time she cleans up, it will be time to wake up Chloe then to leave for the bonfire. Aubrey would rather be in Fallujah, getting her fingernails ripped out, than speak to Beca (assuming Beca still wants to speak to her) at the fire, but even that would be better than Chloe's tears over the matter if she doesn't wake her. And if Aubrey does wake her, that means she has to go too - or tears. She tosses the spoon she was using to stir into the sink.
"I knew something smelled good," Chloe's voice suddenly breaks Aubrey's thoughts. It's barely audible over the hum of Pandora's 80s channel (coming from Aubrey's phone on the counter) and still hoarse from sleep. She hiccups quietly - and that lets Aubrey know just how hard she had been crying before falling asleep. Chloe always ends up with hiccups after emotional meltdowns. "Can I help?" she asks tentatively.
Aubrey sets her jaw and turns her head to face Chloe. "It's already done," she answers. She can't look at her for more than a few seconds; the dried tears still clinging to Chloe's face cause her stomach to churn with anger directed at both Beca and, worse, herself. And with the anger that she has toward Chloe for being wrapped up in Beca to begin with.
"Oh." Chloe looks off to the side. She wrings her hands together and presses her thumbs into her palms. "Okay." She nods and diverts her gaze to the floor - just standing there.
Aubrey glances at her for another second then turns away. She draws in a deep breath to help deter the tightness building in her chest and turns off the burner on the stove. She double checks to make sure it's really turned off. If they were home, there wouldn't be any tension between them. They wouldn't be fighting. She despises her oath to power through the week like a Posen. She wants to go home - and to take Chloe home with her. She exhales as though there is nothing on her mind (attempts to smile, even) and grabs three travel mugs she also took from the kitchen, along with Sophia's sippy cup.
Chloe slowly approaches her from behind. She rests her face against Aubrey's shoulder first then loosely wraps her arms around her waist. Another hiccup. She tucks the lower half of her face against Aubrey and stares at the pot of hot chocolate.
Aubrey reaches to lift the pot by the handle but stops herself. She can't concentrate when Chloe is so close to her. She doesn't want Chloe to touch her - not when she's not sure if Chloe wants to touch her or if Chloe is just trying to make herself feel better because of Beca. "I can't pour this when you're hanging on me, Chloe," she points out. But they both know that's a lie. Aubrey has learned to perform any task with Chloe's arms wrapped around her.
Chloe's arms drop straight down to her sides and she takes several steps back. "Aubrey, I know you're mad," she starts out thickly, "But I swear to you..."
"I'm not mad," Aubrey cuts her off and turns to face her again. She doesn't even want to think about anything that has happened on this island anymore. "Just drop it, Chloe."
Chloe presses her lips together to form a straight line then licks them and nods her head. "Okay," she whispers and nods.
Aubrey looks at the hot chocolate and wraps her hand around the pot handle. She can concentrate even less now that Chloe is sulking behind her. She swallows thickly and glares at the stove - frustrated with herself and with Chloe and with everything around her. She turns around once more and tries to ask her if she wants to wrap her arms around her again, but it comes out as nothing more than, "Do you want whipped cream?"
Chloe slowly folds her arms across her chest and nods multiple times. "Yeah," she answers, still barely speaking loud enough for Aubrey to hear her.
"Chloe..."
"Aubrey, it's fine." Chloe hiccups again and entangles her fingers in the fabric of her shirt. She shakes her head. "It's fine."
There's movement in the doorway and Aubrey tears her eyes away from Chloe to watch Sophia wander into the room. She bites back frustration, but at the same time feels relieved. "I thought you were watching TV," she says. She watches Sophia out of the corner of her eye as she pours the hot chocolate into the mugs and sippy cup - not spilling even a drop.
"No!" Sophia announces.
"Hey," Chloe coos immediately and squats down to Sophia's level. A tired smile starts to play on her lips. "What are you doing here?"
Sophia turns her head and widens her eyes at the sight of Chloe. "Up!" she demands and stretches her arms in the air.
"Up? I think I can manage that." Chloe stands while simultaneously lifting Sophia up into her arms. She balances her on her hip. "I know who you are," she states and lifts her free hand, placing her pointer finger on Sophia's nose. "You're Sophia." Her smile widens. "Do you know who I am?"
Sophia giggles and grabs Chloe's finger. She shakes her head.
Aubrey doesn't know why her throat suddenly feels dry.
"I'm Chloe," Chloe introduces herself.
"Glowy," Sophia tries to repeat her.
Chloe's forehead creases as she presses her lips together in a bemused grin. She looks like she's tempted to correct her then finally just nods in agreement. "Close enough," she replies. She glances over at Aubrey. "Are we babysitting?" she asks.
Aubrey opens her mouth to reply, but Sophia cuts her off.
Sophia places the heels of her hand Chloe's cheeks and presses her lips together into a fish-face. She tilts her head so she's directly in Chloe's line of view. "Glowy sad?" she asks and examines the tear marks on her face.
Chloe's smile slowly fades and takes the light from her eyes with it. She swallows thickly and shakes her head, loosening Sophia's hands slightly in the process. "I'm not sad," she assures her.
She's lying. Aubrey knows it. Even Sophia seems to see through her words.
"No be sad." Sophia wraps her arms around Chloe's neck and squeezes her in a bearhug.
Chloe draws in a shaky breath and hugs Sophia back loosely. Tears start to well up in her eyes and she sniffles quietly. "Thank you," she whispers when Sophia pulls back. She offers a watery smile.
Sophia leans over and presses a kiss to Chloe's cheek.
"You are so sweet." Chloe kisses Sophia's forehead.
Aubrey realizes that she's staring. She glances around before she remembers what she was doing then tosses the empty pot into the sink so she can wash it. She grabs the lid for Sophia's sippy cup then twists it on. Sophia's drink will have to go in the refrigerator for a moment to cool it down. She picks it up and carries it across the room, glancing back over at Chloe as she opens the refrigerator door. Chloe's clothes are wrinkled and her hair is a tousled mess. "Go get ready." She places the cup in the refrigerator then closes the door.
Chloe looks up and stares at her for a moment before the order seems to sink in and it dawns on her they have somewhere to be. "Oh," she mouths and turns around then makes her way out of the kitchen - taking Sophia with her.
Aubrey stares at the back of Chloe's head as she leaves then shakes her head. She's not sure she would have cared if Chloe had decided to go to the fire looking a little messy (Chloe rarely actually looks unpresentable) - except that Aubrey doesn't want to share knowing what Chloe looks like after just waking up. Chloe disappears into the bedroom, and Aubrey turns back to the empty kitchen. She's going to have to share her eventually - especially at the rate they're going. Although she's not really sure she'd know how to share her.
She pushes the thought out of her head and adds extra whipped cream to Chloe's hot chocolate then puts the lid on all three mugs and focuses on cleaning up.
xxxxx
"Do you really need to lug a whole bag to the beach?" Chloe asks.
Aubrey looks up from making sure she has everything they might need as Chloe reappears in the kitchen - with mostly tamed hair and a Yankees sweatshirt on over her t-shirt. Aubrey has never understood wearing a sweatshirt and shorts, and she finds it distracting that her attention is drawn to Chloe's legs whenever Chloe chooses to mix and match her seasonal clothing. "It's called a beach bag," she replies tersely.
Chloe adjusts Sophia on her hip. "Yeah, but..."
"I bought it to take to the beach," Aubrey elaborates.
"I know." Chloe steps forward and absently lifts the rope handle attached to the woven tote. "I just don't want you to be stuck carrying it around all night." She lets go of the beach bag and grab's Sophia's diaper bag - maneuvering the strap over her shoulder. "It looks heavy."
"It's not," Aubrey assures her. It really isn't. She doesn't need to take that many things to a bonfire. Only the essentials. Bug spray. An extra jacket. A blanket. She lifts the strap over her shoulder then walks over to the refrigerator and removes Sophia's sippy cup from the shelf. The hot chocolate feels lukewarm from the outside and Aubrey swirls it around to evenly distribute the heat as she shuts the refrigerator door again. She tests the temperature by dripping a few droplets onto her wrist - then licks them off. Satisfied that it isn't too hot, she offers the cup to Sophia.
Sophia grabs the cup out of her hands and drinks it greedily.
Chloe places two fingers on the lid of the cup and presses it down away from Sophia's mouth. "What do you say to Aubrey?" she asks.
Sophia glances up at Chloe then looks over at Aubrey with a wide grin. "Yum!" she answers enthusiastically. She wrenches the cup away from Chloe and puts it back in her mouth.
"I think that's an accurate answer," Chloe states and bobs her head.
Aubrey gapes at the two of them. So much for encouraging Sophia to be polite. She points at Chloe. "You two should not be allowed to interact." She lowers her hand and grabs Chloe's mug from the counter then holds it out to her.
Chloe's lips twist into the first sincere smile she's had all evening. She takes the mug from Aubrey and looks at the other two on the counter. "Why do you have two mugs?" she inquires before taking a sip from her own. The cocoa and whipped cream stick to her upper lip and she licks them off.
Aubrey looks at the mugs then picks them up. "Because after I drink one, I'm going to drink the other." Chloe looks perplexed. Aubrey snatches up both mugs before Chloe can say another word. "Let's go."
"I never understand Aubrey," Chloe whispers in Sophia's ear.
Aubrey shoots Chloe a look - which Chloe ignores. Chloe just blows a raspberry against Sophia's cheek and Sophia giggles.
"Move," Aubrey tries to sound frustrated as she ushers them out the door.
Chloe smirks. "What if I say no?" she tests how serious Aubrey is at the same time that Sophia shouts, "No!"
Aubrey blinks then stares at them with a blank look. She shakes her head then walks past them and toward the front door alone. It's literally like having two two-year-olds. She takes a sip of her hot chocolate then glances down as Chloe catches up to her and accidentally brushes their arms together. She stops beside the door and tucks one mug between her arm and side then rests her free hand on the knob.
Chloe stops beside her and waits for her to open it. She rocks back on her heels when Aubrey doesn't move. "What are we waiting for?" she asks and looks up at her - a tiny smile still playing on her lips.
Aubrey's breath catches in her throat as she stares at Chloe. She wants to continue being angry at her for earlier - to just believe that Chloe knew Beca was going to walk into the kitchen, and to face that with Beca around, she just won't be enough. But the longer she stares at her, the less she wants to waste her time fighting - as frustrated as she is. Being frustrated is only increasing her frustration. She wants to enjoy Chloe while she has her. She draws in a deep breath while forcefully swallowing some of her pride. "I'm sorry." She almost doesn't want the words to slip out, but she's relieved when they do. She even can't quite pinpoint what she's sorry for. But saying the words just feels right.
Chloe blinks then her smile takes on a more somber tone. She adjusts Sophia in her arms and stands on her tiptoes, pressing her forehead against Aubrey's. It's impossible to avoid looking straight into her eyes - which always somehow seem to be full of more emotion and sincerity than Aubrey can ever comprehend. She presses a not-quite-kiss to Aubrey's lips then stands back down on flat feet.
"Me too."
You say I'm crazy,
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done.
But when you call me Baby,
I know I'm not the only one.
-Sam Smith