- Part 1 -
Arrhythmia
Multiply humanity, harmonize insanity.
Shedding light of remedy, pulling tides of clarity.
Shattered glass in flower beds.
Humanize inhuman ends.
-Broken Iris
"Aubrey..."
Aubrey groans and covers her head with her arm, trying to block out the voice that keeps calling her name. The room is too warm and her head is pounding - she thinks she must be sick. But that's not possible, because Aubrey Posen is too busy to get sick. Pain resonates through her skull. She grimaces and draws her legs up closer to her body as she wonders how long she has until her alarm goes off and she has to go into the office. Never long enough. She can't remember what day it is, but maybe it's the weekend and she can stay home. Probably not. She presses the heels of her hands against her eyes then eases them back to relieve the pressure and tries to fall back to sleep.
"Aubrey," Chloe calls her again. She shakes Aubrey's shoulder.
"Chloe, stop," Aubrey mumbles and shrugs her away. She would almost rather listen to the blaring of her alarm than continue to be jostled back and forth. She curls her arms back up around her face and groans as Chloe starts running her fingers through her hair over and over again. Since when does Chloe wake up before she does? Clearly, only on days she wants to remain asleep. Refusing to open her eyes and face the light, she rolls over onto her back with her lower arm draped over her face. The bed is gritty and scratchy, and she suddenly doesn't feel at all comfortable. But she's not uncomfortable enough to wake up until her alarm goes off either. She pinpoints the pulsating pain in her head to behind her eyes and breathes slowly through her mouth as the queasiness in her stomach becomes prominent. She knows if she falls back to sleep, all the discomfort will fade away. She tries to settle back against the pillows and focus on slow, even breaths.
Chloe lightly rubs her fingers up and down Aubrey's arm. She's quiet for a moment, but, of course, it doesn't last. "Okay, but, Aubrey, I'm getting worried that you're still sleeping," she says lightly. She rubs the blanket with the hand that isn't rubbing Aubrey's arm and Aubrey can feel the gritty substance covering the bed bounce as Chloe sweeps it away. Every movement Chloe makes makes Aubrey feel seasick, but Chloe seems blissfully unaware and keeps brushing the blankets. She continues talking, also unaware that Aubrey just wants her to be quiet if she's going to remain in the room. "It's after ten o'clock."
Chloe's voice is getting grating and it takes a moment for her words to sink in. Aubrey pinches the bridge of her nose as she dragged out of her half-conscious state. "What?" she mumbles, still groggy.
Chloe gives her arm a tight squeeze. "It's after ten," she reiterates. "You've been sleeping all morning."
That doesn't make sense. She never sleeps past her alarm. Aubrey lifts her hand to rub her eyelids and thinks back to setting it before going to bed, but she can't remember turning it on. Her brows furrow. She can't remember thinking about her alarm clock at all. Her thoughts momentarily freeze and she reaches over toward where her nightstand should be and gropes around for the familiar object, but her hand only finds air. Her chest tightens. It must have fallen off the stand. It must have come unplugged.
She's late.
Aubrey's eyes fly open and she bolts upright. "Chloe!" Why didn't Chloe wake her up earlier?! She's supposed to be at work. She kicks at the blankets and tries to push away Chloe's hands as they move to her shoulders, preventing her from scrambling away. "No, I have to go to – I have to..." Her voice trails off as she scans her surroundings. Bleary-eyed, she takes in the unfamiliar dresser with her clothes folded on top, the suitcases on the floor, and vintage photographs on the walls. The world slows down and she exhales a breath she didn't realize she had been holding. Right - she's not at home; she's on a god-forsaken island. She only wishes she was late for work. "I..." Her stomach twists and she clamps her mouth shut and breathes through her nose. Her heads feels like a drill bit is being screwed through her eye sockets and she momentarily closes her eyes again. An unpleasant cluster of flashing stars ruins her desire for darkness.
"You have to what?" Chloe asks and tilts her head. She sits down on the edge of the bed and slips her hand under the back of Aubrey's shirt, rubbing small circles on her mid-back. She uses her free hand to brush Aubrey's hair away from her face. The sensation tingles and eases some of the pain, and Aubrey finds herself flinching away despite her desire to lean in. Chloe just scoots in closer to her. "Did you have a bad dream?" She lets her hand rest on Aubrey's cheek. She strokes her thumb across Aubrey's cheekbone then presses the back of her hand to Aubrey's forehead. She turns her hand and double checks Aubrey's temperature with her palm. "You don't look so good, Bree. What's going on?"
Of course she doesn't look good. This whole week is a bad dream. The needle used to extract the liquid from Tyler's eye is suddenly engrained in Aubrey's vision and she can hear Beca's voice in the back of her mind reminding her that she ruined everything. This 'vacation' is a nightmare. She presses the palms of her hands against her eyes then shoves away Chloe's hand and draws her legs up closer to her, resting her arms on her knees. "I don't want to talk, Chloe," she whispers and lowers her head to her arms. How many times does she have to say that before Chloe gets the hint? Her pulse quickens and she digs her fingernails lightly into her legs, though barely feels the pinch.
Chloe moves her hand to Aubrey's elbow. "Okay." She pulls one of her legs onto the bed and turns so she's facing Aubrey more, continuing to rub her back. She sighs and gives Aubrey's elbow a light squeeze then leans over and kisses her shoulder. Of course, Chloe doesn't understand that Aubrey doesn't want her to talk either. "But I really wish you'd stop wearing yourself down like this. It's not healthy."
Aubrey grits her teeth. "You don't understand, Chloe," she snaps thickly, not interested in what she has to say. She lifts her head and immediately regrets it as the entire world seems to tip on its axis and her ears begin to ring. She looks at Chloe through blurred vision. "You don't know what's going on." Maybe if she did, she'd let up on the criticism. The edges of her vision are growing darker and she blinks several times and looks down at the sheets on the bed.
Chloe shifts and pushes herself up so she's balancing on her knees, rocking the whole bed in the process. "Aubrey, because you won't tell me." She places both of her hands on Aubrey's arms and rubs circles with her thumbs. "Whatever it is, you can tell me." She tilts her head so she's back in Aubrey's line of sight conversation seems to be never-ending.
Aubrey's gaze flickers in the other direction and she stares at the wall until she can no longer see it through the tears filling her eyes. She clenches her jaw shut and refuses to let them fall. She wants to rid herself of the guilt of spending an entire evening with Beca, but then she would have to tell Chloe why she was with her. And this has all gone too far. Whatever she might end up telling Chloe now would just scare her, or reinforce that Aubrey is crazy. Chills run down her spine, but she's too overheated to pull the blanket back up. "I just have a headache," she whispers, her tone gravelly from sleep and unshed tears. She clenches her jaw and forces herself to swallow her irritation before she says something to make Chloe leave that she knows she'll regret later. "Okay?" She stares at her hard, waiting for her to take a hint.
Chloe bites down on her lower lip then presses both lips together to form a straight line. She nods. "Okay." She doesn't press it further. She glances around the room then lets go of Aubrey's arms and gets to her feet. "Come on," she says and reaches out for her hand.
Aubrey stares at Chloe's hand, wanting nothing more than to lay her head down on her pillow again and fall back to sleep. She shakes her head and turns to re-situate herself on the bed. She tries to brush away the sand. A growl forms in her throat when it bounces then lands back down in the exact same place it originated from.
Chloe extends her hand farther. "Let's go lay down on the couch where there isn't sand all over," she elaborates.
Aubrey gives the sand one last useless brush then drops her hands down by her sides. Fine. She ignores Chloe's hand, able to get up herself, and slowly pushes herself onto her knees so she can crawl off the bed. She places a hand flat on the mattress for balance as she climbs to her feet and straightens herself up. Moving was only a good idea in theory. The pressure behind her eyes almost blinds her and Earth seems to roll over in an attempt to throw her off. Her stomach rejects the movement and her legs go numb, throwing her off balance. She grabs the edge of the bed for support. Chloe tries to wrap an arm around her waist, but Aubrey finds just enough strength and balance to fight her away as she turns and stumbles quickly out of the room, clamping a hand over her mouth.
The hallway is a blur. Aubrey turns the corner into the bathroom sharply with a pathetic attempt to swing the door shut behind her. She drops to her knees and flings the toilet seat upward, nearly recoiling at the sound of porcelain banging together. Her head protests against every move she makes, searing in defiance as she lurches forward with her hand still gripping the top of the seat, dry-heaving. She gags again, but her stomach barely finds anything to bring up, and she's just left coughing.
In an instant, Chloe kneels behind her and gathers her hair back away from her face. She slides her free hand back up under Aubrey's shirt and gingerly rubs circles between her shoulder blades. "Okay. It's okay," she hums, her voice low and soothing. "You're okay, Sweetie. I have you."
Aubrey knows she doesn't deserve the comfort. Not after she spent all night with Beca. "Chloe, stop," she rasps then gags again. Her words are of as little use as she thought they would be, and she's not even sure if Chloe heard her. Her nose burns, and hot tears gather along the edges of her face as her body gives one last shudder. The pain in her head slowly fades out with the nausea as it usually does and she's left just battling a sharp cramp in her stomach and the inability to catch her breath. She suppresses a cringe as the pain climbs to her chest and resists the urge to lean back into Chloe's arms. It's bad enough she has to see her like this.
"Get out." Even her trembling voice tastes sour. She regrets her words as Chloe stops rubbing her back and the only thing left to feel is the icy floor against her bare legs. Her hair falls messily back down over her shoulders, a few strands sticking uncomfortably to her damp cheeks. She clenches her jaw and clamps her eyes shut tighter, waiting for the sound of Chloe's footsteps to leave the room. The thought of being alone makes her stomach drop in a way that convinces her she might throw up again.
Chloe sighs. She unrolls a few sheets of toilet paper then rips it off and presses it against Aubrey's hand. "Do you want water?" she asks gently. She carefully tucks Aubrey's hair behind her ears, moving it away from her tear-stained face.
Aubrey grabs the toilet paper and uses it to wipe off her mouth and nose then flushes the toilet and sinks to a sitting position. She drops her hands to her lap and stares at them in humiliation. She can feel her energy draining and she gives up on posture, slouching her shoulders and keeping her head tilted slightly downward. The burning in her throat is impossible to swallow away, but she searches for the energy to get her own water, not acknowledging Chloe's offer. "Just go, Chloe," she all but begs. She stifles a silent sob, wishing she would just leave and get it over with.
"Stop this, Aubrey," Chloe says softly. She shifts so she's kneeling beside and brushes a few more strands of hair behind her ear. "I'm not leaving until you let me help you," She runs her hand over the top of Aubrey's head and slides her fingers down through her hair, carefully working through the tangles.
Aubrey twists her hands together and presses her thumbs against her palms. She stares intently at her fingers as she tries to convince herself that Chloe will eventually get bored with her and leave the room.
Chloe purses her lips together and is still for a moment then sits down and makes herself comfortable. She resumes rubbing her back through her shirt. She inhales deeply then sighs. "You know, Amy was here when I woke up this morning," she says casually. She furrows her brows. "She said you and Beca were out all night."
Aubrey doesn't know what's worse, the fact that Chloe knows she was with Beca or that Amy broke her promise not to say anything. They both lend to another rush of tears that she has to fight to hold back. There are two ways this can end, in Aubrey's opinion, and they both involve arguing. So, she chooses the option that involves telling Chloe the truth and forces herself to nod.
Chloe is silent for a moment. "Have you gotten any sleep here, Aubrey?" she asks.
Aubrey looks up, regretting it as spots form in front of her vision. She fumbles over Chloe's question, unsure of its relevance. This is already not how she imagined this conversation going. Maybe Chloe didn't see her nod. "I was out all night with Beca," she confirms out loud then braces herself for Chloe's reaction. She can see the confusion written all across her face. She prepares for the fight, internally searching for the energy to defend herself.
"And you barely slept the night before last either, which is probably why you have a migraine." Chloe hesitates. "I've been really unfair to you about this week," she says quietly. "I know I have." She grabs Aubrey's hands and squeezes them lightly, exhaling slowly. "But you don't have to pretend to tolerate Beca just because of me."
Aubrey shakes her head once. She can't even attempt to script how this conversation should go, because every direction it turns is not one she was expecting. She can't stop herself from trying to correct her, and at least turn their conversation into something she knows what to do with. "No, Chloe, that's not-"
"It's okay," Chloe assures her quickly and nods. "I just need to accept that Beca's in the past." She loosens her grip on Aubrey's hands. "We don't have to talk to her outside of the wedding."
If this is a ploy to guilt her or to lure her away from Beca, Chloe has mastered it, and Aubrey isn't quite sure where to go from here. She stares at Chloe – needing a moment to comprehend their conversation and consider her options. She should consider herself lucky that Chloe is jumping to all the best conclusions about her and Beca. Her need to correct Chloe catches in her throat. "Okay." She nods in agreement. She swallows thickly and looks at the ground, telling herself that doesn't mean she can't talk to Beca – only that she doesn't have to. She still feels like she's lying to Chloe. She nervously looks back up at her but can barely meet her eyes.
"I just want to be happy with you this week," Chloe continues. "Can we do that?"
Aubrey sniffles and nods her head. "Yeah," she whispers. She knows what a lie it is. Later this afternoon, she'll be reading the autopsy report on a dead teenage boy that was murdered. She'll remember that she treated him like shit. She'll spend the next few days over-thinking his death. In the meantime, someone will continue to call her phone and make her question her sanity. And to top it all off, in a few days, she'll be watching Beca Mitchell marry Jesse then be holding Chloe as she cries over it. But she gives another convincing nod. Everything is becoming a lie. "Okay."
"Okay," Chloe repeats softly. She lets go of Aubrey's hands and leans forward, wrapping her arms around her in a tight hug.
Aubrey inhales and exhales a shaky breath as she finds herself being pulled across the floor and into Chloe's embrace. She lowers her head onto Chloe's shoulder, wondering when they became like this – when she became such a terrible, dishonest person. She wipes at her eyes with the back of her hand then rests her hand on her head. Things will go back to normal next week, once they're home, she reminds herself. They'll go back to their lives and this week will be nothing more than a bad memory. She lowers her hand to Chloe's shoulder, twisting her shirtsleeve around her fingers, and silently begins to count the tiles on the bathroom floor in an effort to focus on something else.
Chloe gives her a squeeze. "Let's move to the couch," she suggests, then slowly pulls away, letting her hands linger on Aubrey's arms as she pulls back. "I think we could both use some quality couch-time."
Aubrey blinks then tries to remember what tile she was on. Chloe's words slowly sink in and she realizes it doesn't matter. She nods, unwilling to argue anymore, and slowly gets to her feet, trying to avoid Chloe's help as much as possible without pushing her away. Her head feels like it's floating on her shoulders, but a pang in her chest and stomach keep her rooted in reality. She folds her arms, casually trying to keep them up closer to her chest rather than around her stomach, and looks past Chloe, toward the sink. The bitter taste in her mouth causes a new wave of nausea to wash over her. The realization that she needs to brush her teeth, or at the very least rinse the taste of vomit out of her mouth, sinks in. She unfolds her arms and grabs her toothbrush.
Chloe crosses her arms and leans against the door frame, not taking her eyes off of Aubrey.
"Could you not watch me, Chloe?" Aubrey mutters, feeling her stare without even looking up.
"Yeah," Chloe answers and nods, standing up straight. "Of course." She takes a step back. "I'll be in the living room. Call me if you start feeling sick again, please, Aubrey."
Aubrey sighs and watches her leave then turns on the water. She glances up at the mirror but doesn't feel relieved when all she sees is her face. The dark circles under her eyes contrast against the lack of color in her face and her hair is a mess. She sniffles and looks away, focusing on her toothbrush as she uncaps the cinnamon toothpaste. Just the smell of it nearly sends her back to the floor in front of the toilet. She squeezes out the minimal amount she deems necessary to get the job done then replaces the cap and glances at the mirror again. She touches the glass with her fingertips and almost expects the blood to reappear. The metallic stench overpowers the toothpaste, but she knows it's just in her head. Exhaling, she lowers her hand and turns on the sink then scrubs at her teeth with her toothbrush and watches the water swirl red down the drain after she brushes too hard.
xxxxx
"I found teabags in the cupboard," Chloe says and enters the living room with two mugs just as Aubrey sits down on the edge couch. "I thought you might want some." She sets down the mugs on the coffee table then folds her arms and takes a step back. "Maybe it'll make you feel better," she suggests gently. "Is it just a headache, Honey?"
Aubrey glances at her and feels inferior, still in her pajamas when it's pushing noon, while Chloe is in a blue tank top and yellow boy-briefs. She must have been in the process of getting ready to start the day when she decided to wake Aubrey. Aubrey diverts her gaze to the steam that rises from the mugs and nods as she watches it disappear into the air. She can't just sit around and drink tea in her pajamas all day. She has a routine to follow. She still has to go for her morning jog. This time, she'll avoid the woods. She draws in a deep breath and places her hands flat on the couch beside her, pushing herself back to her feet.
Chloe closes the space between them and gives Aubrey a disapproving gaze as she places her hands on Aubrey's shoulders and pushes her back down. "You're not running, Aubrey," she says knowingly and looks mildly amused when Aubrey's eyes snap upward to look at her. She sits down on the couch beside her with her legs folded under her and grabs one of the mugs, leaning forward to pick up the remote to turn on the TV as well.
Aubrey watches her for a few seconds then turns to look at the TV guide as Chloe brings it up on the screen. The channels scroll by too quickly for her to read them and help Chloe choose one. "I have things to do, Chloe," she informs her. Truth be told, she can't think of anything (aside from meeting up with Beca later) that she could possibly need to do on this island, but that's besides the point. She at least needs to get dressed. She scoots closer to the edge of the couch and stares at Chloe, only partially aware that she's waiting for Chloe's approval.
Chloe ignores her and settles on Cartoon Network. She puts the remote back down then slouches back against the couch and sips from her mug, her eyes glued to an episode of Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends.
Aubrey glances at the TV then looks at Chloe again, still waiting for Chloe to give up and dismiss her. She grits her teeth when she realizes that Chloe isn't going to give her permission to leave – and will probably drag her back to the couch if she tries. She presses her thumbs against her palms and looks at the TV out of the corner of her eye. Out of all the shows they could be watching on TV, Chloe chooses a cartoon. They could be watching The History Channel or the Science Channel and learning something. How It's Made is always interesting and educational. She frowns. "Sometimes Pawn Stars marathons during the day," she says, giving her a not so subtle hint.
"That's cool," Chloe responds absently and places her mug on the coffee table. She runs her hand through her hair then yawns and lets both hands fall to her lap.
On the television, a stupid blue blob is talking to a giant ball of purple hair that seems to only speak in Spanish. Aubrey pouts. Her legs tingle, urging her to stand and find something productive to do with herself. She picks her mug up off the table and stares into it. Ignoring the feeling that Chloe might be subtly staring at her, she takes a few sips of the tea to distract herself. It doesn't mix well with the aftertaste of toothpaste, but it's hot enough to nearly singe her taste buds off so that the taste really doesn't matter anyway. She takes a few more swallows and focuses on how the warmth slides down her throat and spreads throughout her stomach then places the mug down next to Chloe's again.
Chloe lifts an arm and drapes it over the back of the couch behind Aubrey's head. She motions Aubrey closer with a slight nod.
Aubrey wrings her hands for a few seconds before she leans back and into Chloe's embrace. She pulls her legs up onto the couch beside her and stares at the TV, pretending to pay attention to the screen. She can barely keep her eyes open. She lowers her head to Chloe's shoulder and Chloe lowers her arm and wraps it around Aubrey's shoulders, lightly sliding her fingertips up and down her upper arm. The pressure is beginning to rebuild behind her eyes and she lifts her hand to her forehead and lets it rests there. She wonders if Chloe has really given up on Beca or if she's just been pushed to the point of exasperation by Aubrey. Maybe Chloe and Beca should be having one-on-one time. Aubrey presses her fingertips against her forehead.
"Hey," Chloe whispers and gives her a light squeeze, drawing her out of her thoughts.
Aubrey looks up and realizes that Chloe is staring at her. She looks away self-consciously and attempts to sit back up, but Chloe's grip tightens on her and keeps her close. She averts her gaze to their mugs.
"I meant what I said," Chloe says quietly. She lifts her hand and replaces Aubrey's hand on her forehead with it, easing some of the pressure just with her warmth. "I've been unfair to you and I'm sorry." She exhales slowly and places her free hand on Aubrey's upper leg. "I just really thought this week was going to be different." She pauses. "I did a lot of thinking this morning and I'm really sorry, Aubrey. I should have never agreed to come here."
Aubrey can't disagree with that. She lowers her hand back down to her lap and rests it a few centimeters away from Chloe's. She stares at their fingers and considers holding her hand while she's awake this time. She doesn't know why she's hesitant. There was once a point in time where she'd barely think twice before taking Chloe by the hand. Maybe if she does initiate contact, Chloe will finally agree that they should go home. But they can't leave now. She imagines packing her bags and leaving this place, not caring what happens to Beca after she's gone, but she's already become invested – in what, she's not sure.
"Can you forgive me?" Chloe asks, sounding almost tentative. She curls her fingers against Aubrey's leg. "It'd really...mean a lot if you could."
Aubrey slowly lifts her head and Chloe's hand falls away from her forehead.
Chloe meets her gaze and presses her lips together in a tight, forced smile that doesn't quite meet her eyes. "I'm sorry," she repeats, her voice barely audible. "Just...let me figure out a way to make this better."
There is a pang in Aubrey's gut when she realizes that she's staring at Chloe's expression to determine her sincerity. She's disgusted and ashamed by her own lack of trust. In response, she inches her hand closer to Chloe's until their fingers brush then covers Chloe's hand with her own.
Chloe's breath catches and she looks down at their hands. Her features become less taut and her cheeks turn a light shade of rosy pink. She looks up at Aubrey again. "Thank you," she says with a quiet sigh – but her words barely register to Aubrey. She looks down at their hands again and shifts in closer to Aubrey.
Aubrey furrows her brows and leans to the side to get a better look at Chloe's face. "Are you blushing?" she asks incredulously. She tries to figure out what she did to elicit this sort of reaction out of her. She shakes her head in confusion and absently tightens her grip on Chloe's hand.
"What?" Chloe shakes her head. "No." Her fingers twitch against Aubrey's.
Aubrey blinks. Beca's words echo in the back of her mind, 'Are you that dense? You're still blind to her looking at you everyday like it's the first time she's ever seen you?' Maybe they do need a morning to themselves, Aubrey decides. She tries to determine whether or not she believes what Beca said as she turns to sit sideways and dares to place her other hand on Chloe's thigh, studying her. She curls her fingers, lightly brushing her nails over Chloe's bare skin, causing Chloe's leg to twitch. Her heart threatens to pound right out of her chest as she waits for a reaction.
Chloe's jaw and shoulders both tense, and for a moment it's as though she doesn't know where to look. She glances between both of Aubrey's hands multiple times before looking at her face with a bemused expression, caught between a smile and confusion. "What are you doing?" She sounds more curious than anything and her eyes are wide with excitement, like Aubrey has never touched her once over the past several years.
Aubrey doesn't have one single answer for Chloe's question, but she has the answer she needs for her own questions. Maybe she's not doing the wrong thing by putting in more effort. Or maybe she'll regret that thought when Chloe realizes that Aubrey's effort isn't enough and moves on to someone else – like those idiots she brings home from the bar on nights where Aubrey is busy with work. They have a habit of leaving their entire apartment reeking of cigarette smoke and beer, and, yet, somehow, they always seem to have something Aubrey doesn't. It wasn't at all like that when she and Chloe were a thing, but maybe it's still what Chloe wants, whatever they have that she doesn't. She remains silent, barely aware that she's staring at Chloe's face.
Chloe tilts her head and laces their fingers together. She leans closer to Aubrey and brushes their lips together. "I think," she whispers, their lips still touching, "that we need some time for us."
Aubrey pulls back a few centimeters. She registers Chloe's bewilderment and disappointment, and doesn't wait for them to linger. She grabs Chloe's other hand and squeezes both of them, mostly to put herself at ease. She draws in a breath and braces herself for the impact of her own words. "I don't want you to leave for someone else." Her voice cracks. But it's out there. She said it. She should feel relief, but instead she waits for Chloe to get up and leave. "Not for people at the bar. Not for..." She trails off, but she knows she has to say it. She tries to even out her breaths and not hyperventilate. "Not for Beca..." It dawns on her how tightly she's holding onto Chloe's hands, but she swears if she lets go, Chloe will be out the door. She feels like she's going to throw up again, this time from fear.
Chloe maneuvers herself onto her knees, facing Aubrey. She lifts their hands and holds them against her chest where Aubrey can feel her heart beating. "Didn't you hear?" she whispers, leaning in close to Aubrey's ear.
Aubrey prepares for the worst. She presses her lips together to make her expression as neutral as she can and stares past Chloe's head, absently looking at the window curtain. She knows that, at some point, she is going to have to let go of Chloe's hands – and of Chloe.
"Aubrey," Chloe tries to get her attention.
Aubrey forces herself to look away from the window and into Chloe's eyes. She swallows thickly and slowly loosens her grip on Chloe's hands, but Chloe's hold remains tight.
"Aubrey, I love you," Chloe says in a hushed tone. She sighs, her breath warm against Aubrey's lips. "I'm not leaving you." She bites her lower lip for a moment, her hands shaking as she readjusts her grip on Aubrey. "I...I want to spend the rest of my life with you." She attempts a closed-lip smile that does little to hide the tremble that her jaw makes.
Part of Aubrey thinks it would be easier if Chloe would just leave. She wouldn't have to put so much energy into trying to figure out why Chloe thinks it's worth it to stay. The gears turns in her head as she searches for some clue as to why Chloe would choose her when she could have anyone she wants – except for maybe Beca. That might be a different story if Aubrey was out of the picture though. She can't bring herself to believe that Chloe would choose her over Beca Mitchell. She tastes blood and realizes that she's biting the inside of her lower lip - hard. The stinging sensation kicks in and she nurses the tender area with her tongue, procrastinating on the words that want to leave her mouth. She can't let Chloe slip away, not without effort to keep her. "I love you," she mouths, unable to make the words audible. Her lips quiver and she clenches her jaw to make them stop as she wonders if her words are enough to mean anything.
Chloe exhales as though she's been holding her breath for way too long then chokes over a sob as she inhales. She clamps her eyes shut and hugs Aubrey's hands tighter against her chest. Tears begin to leak down her face when she reopens her eyes. She tries to catch her breath, but can't seem to pull in or let out enough oxygen. She sinks back against her ankles, tension releasing from her shoulders, and glances up at the ceiling. "I thought you were never going to say that to me again," she chokes as she continues trying to breathe, "You have no idea how long I have waited for that."
Aubrey looks down at their hands and tries to breathe through the pressure building in her chest. There is so much she wants to say, but she can't put any of it into words. She just knows that she doesn't want Chloe to let go of her hands. She doesn't want Chloe to let go of her in general. This could be Aubrey's chance to let go first, to pull away before she pours all of herself into something that is going to end just like her relationship with her father – where she has to face she can never be enough. She bites on her lower lip again, unable to hold back the tears pooling in her eyes. She can't picture herself anywhere other than with Chloe though. She doesn't want to picture herself anywhere else. If it's going to end, it's going to end, she tells herself. She just hopes it doesn't. But it doesn't stop her from preparing for the worst.
There is a smile tugging on the corners of Chloe's lips despite the tears staining her face and her inability to breathe. "I knew you loved me," she whispers matter-of-factly, lightly rubbing Aubrey's fingers with her thumb. "I just..." She sniffles. "I just needed to hear you say it, Aubrey."
Aubrey continues to vacantly stare at their hands as she tries to remember when she last truly told Chloe she loved her – carrying her back from Nikki's house not included. She shakes her head when she can't pinpoint a single memory of the occasion and lifts her gaze to meet Chloe's eyes. "I'm sorry," she mouths. She wonders just how much of the distance between them has been her fault rather than Beca's and looks down at her lap. She slowly pulls her hands away from Chloe's and wrings them together. Her entire body feels cold the moment she's no longer touching Chloe. She rests her hands on her lap and looks up again. The words of her apology feel empty and shallow. She leans in and tentatively brushes her lips against Chloe's mouth to give them more meaning. "I'm sorry."
Chloe's eyes flutter shut. She lifts her hands and glides them up the sides of Aubrey's neck and into her hair, pulling her in closer until Aubrey has to lift an arm to balance herself against the back of the couch to keep herself from falling over onto Chloe – not that she thinks Chloe would mind. Chloe presses herself in closer to Aubrey, enclosing her lips in a brief but fervent kiss, then pulls back and slides her hands to Aubrey's cheeks. She opens her eyes again and lightly strokes Aubrey's cheekbones with her thumbs. "Let me show you how much I love you," she whispers. Her breath is warm against Aubrey's mouth and it sends a tingling sensation through her entire body.
Aubrey's chest feels on the verge of imploding and she can feel all of her pulse points throbbing. She licks her lower lip and can taste the salt from Chloe's tears. For a moment, the only thing she can focus on is breathing as her body begins to buzz with a need so intense that she could drown in the depths of it. "No," she says firmly and shakes her head. She breathes in and out, her chest pressing against Chloe's with every inhale. She can barely hear her voice over the sound of her own heart pounding in her ears. She digs her nails into the couch cushion for balance and turns so she's facing Chloe, pulling herself up onto her knees. She feels more confident than she did moments ago – slowly allowing herself the realization that Chloe may actually want her affection. "I'm going to show you," she says determinedly.
The corners of Chloe's mouth turn upward as her lips part and her eyes gloss over, her pupils dilating as she maintains eye-contact with Aubrey. Her skin flushes and she subtly lifts her chin, exposing her neck. She slides her hand down Aubrey's face to her chest, letting her fingers linger at the neckline of Aubrey's shirt. "You know, I hear sex cures migraines…"
Aubrey prays to God it's true, because her head is still hurting. She leans over Chloe, balancing herself with one hand on the couch and the other on Chloe's back, easing her down against the cushions.
Chloe adjusts herself on her back with Aubrey kneeling between her legs. She pulls Aubrey down by the collar of her shirt, crashing their lips together a little too hard in a scorching kiss. Her legs wrap around Aubrey's thighs, their hips pressing against each other with not nearly enough pressure, leading Aubrey to grind against her out of reflex. Chloe arches into the movement, slipping away from the kiss as she tilts her head back against the couch.
Aubrey leans back, barely aware of the need to catch her breath. Her mouth feels dry and she licks her swollen lips. "Take off your shirt," she demands. She shifts uncomfortably between Chloe's legs, unable to ignore how her pajama shorts are riding up far too high; she can feel every centimeter of the fabric as her shorts press against her inner thighs. She subtly tries to pull them down, quivering as her fingertips brush against her skin. Her cheeks flush as she momentarily wonders if Chloe can smell her arousal.
Chloe grabs her shirt by the bottom hem and pulls it up over her head. She tosses it to the side then sits up and presses herself up against Aubrey, sliding her hands under Aubrey's shirt as she pins her back against the couch. She presses their mouths together again and slips her tongue between Aubrey's lips as her hands glide up Aubrey's chest. She brushes her fingers across Aubrey's breasts and grins against her mouth as Aubrey fails to hold back a moan of approval.
One of Chloe's knees is pressing painfully against Aubrey's thigh and she runs her hand lightly up Chloe's leg to convince her to readjust their position. Chloe gasps against Aubrey's mouth and moves her leg, nearly knocking Aubrey onto her back in the process. Aubrey props herself up against the back of the couch with her elbow and uses her free hand to unhook Chloe's bra, tugging the straps down over her arms. She throws the article of clothing somewhere in the general direction of Chloe's shirt then runs her hand up Chloe's back and entangles her fingers in Chloe's hair.
Their movements are sloppier than usual and Aubrey falls onto her side in a failed attempt to lift her arm from the couch and brush her hair away from their mouths. She rolls onto her back and pulls Chloe on top of her, sliding one of her knees between Chloe's legs and against the center of Chloe's panties. She can feel the dampness through the fabric and can't hold back the smirk that tugs on her lips. Aubrey whimpers and gasps for breath as Chloe kisses from her mouth to her neck, stopping to nip at a particularly sensitive area near Aubrey's collarbone. Her blood suddenly feels hot as it courses through her veins and she squirms under Chloe, tilting her head to the side to give her better access. She arches her back up off the couch as Chloe sucks on her neck and rubs her hands down Chloe's bare back then underneath her panties until they're resting on her ass, in no particular hurry to get anything done. Once they're done, she'll have to go back to thinking – rather than feeling Chloe's hands and mouth on her body.
Chloe trails light, unhurried kisses from Aubrey's neck back up to her mouth, letting her lips linger there for several seconds. She slowly pulls back and sits herself up, resting her hands on Aubrey's chest. "This feels different," she whispers, panting. She shakes her head as she brushes her hair away from her mouth. A blush settles on her cheeks as she lowers her hand again and leans back down, a few inches from Aubrey's face. "I like it." She pauses. "Don't get me wrong, I loved all the other times too." She licks her lips and tries to catch her breath. "You just don't seem so worried about everything being perfect right now." She brushes the tips of their noses together. "I think that's good for you."
Aubrey's face flushes and she pushes herself up on her elbows. She glances off to the side and swallows thickly then looks at Chloe again as Chloe sits up, balancing herself on Aubrey's stomach. She wonders if Chloe can feel the butterflies she feels through her skin. She presses the pads of her fingers into the couch cushion, digging her nails against the fabric. She stares at Chloe, wondering what Chloe would say if she knew that Aubrey was just trying to be what she wanted – and therefore, still attempting a level of perfection. "I want to make things right," she admits, her voice just above a whisper. "Whatever you want," she insists.
Chloe goes quiet and breaks eye contact for a brief moment. She trails her fingers across Aubrey's collarbone, an unreadable expression on her face as she inhales deeply then exhales through her mouth and sits up straight. "I want you to do whatever makes you happy," she says simply. She leans back and rests her hands on her thighs. She swallows thickly and gives Aubrey a once-over. "But I also want you to take your clothes off," she adds frankly.
Aubrey ignores over-thinking the first request, then nods in obedience to the second. She crosses her arms over her stomach and grips the bottom of her shirt at the sides, tugging it out from under Chloe's rear end. Sitting up is nearly impossible with Chloe weighing her down, so she does her best to wriggle it up and over her head then drops it on the shirt beside the couch. Goosebumps form along her chest, both from the sudden exposure to the air and Chloe's eyes locking in on her breasts. She waits for Chloe to move so she can finish the task, but Chloe seems more interested in staring at her chest. If possible, Aubrey's face becomes even more heated. "I can't get my pants off while you're sitting on me, Chloe," she informs her.
Chloe blinks. She mouths the word 'oh' and looks around for somewhere else to situate herself. "I'll get those for you." She winks at Aubrey then lifts herself up off of Aubrey's stomach and inches down the couch toward her legs, still on her knees. She eases Aubrey's shorts down past her thighs then crawls back up to her stomach as Aubrey kicks them off. She smirks and wiggles her rear end in the air. "You can take my underwear off, if you want," she suggests.
Aubrey props herself up against the arm of the couch and slides Chloe's underwear down to her knees, but she can't get them past the couch. She slides her hands up Chloe's thighs as she leans back again, hypersensitive to how chilly the pillow on the couch is against her bare back. Chloe manages to maneuver her panties the rest of the way off then leans forward as Aubrey trails her hands from her thighs to her chest and presses their lips lightly together. Aubrey attempts to kiss her, but Chloe pulls away, leaving their lips just barely touching.
"C'mere," Chloe murmurs and rolls off of Aubrey, turning onto her side.
Aubrey frowns and furrows her brows. She rolls onto her side to face Chloe, their legs entangling together in the process. She rests a hand on Chloe's side, unsure of what to do with herself when they're both naked but not all over each other. Her shoulders begin to tense. She clenches her jaw and arches her brows at Chloe, waiting for her to do something before it gets awkward.
"You're too impatient," Chloe murmurs and nudges Aubrey's nose with her own.
Aubrey's lower lip juts out. That is not the way to turn her on. "Aca-scu-?" She doesn't have a chance to finish as Chloe's lips tenderly encompass Aubrey's again and she rests a hand on Aubrey's cheek. She watches as Chloe's eyes fall shut, hesitating before closing her own. Where to place her hands suddenly becomes an unimportant matter and her fingers end up entangled in Chloe's hair as she focuses on trying to part Chloe's lips with her tongue. She'll show her impatient. She curls one of her legs up in between Chloe's legs and pulls her in closer.
Chloe gasps quietly and falters mid-kiss. She slides her fingers into Aubrey's hair and breathes for a second then closes her lips over Aubrey's lower lip, sending warmth rushing throughout Aubrey's entire body as they meld together. Chloe tastes sweet through the lingering hint of salt. She curls up into Aubrey, pressing what seems like every inch of their bare skin together, and kisses her with enough pressure to knock the wind right out of her.
Aubrey knows at some point she is going to have to breathe as her head begins to feel light, but she slides her hand down to Chloe's mid-back and makes a desperate attempt to pull her in closer. She needs to feel more of her. She's still warm as she pulls away from Chloe's lips and kisses from her mouth down to her collarbone, pushing Chloe onto her back and nearly knocking them both off the couch. She reaches out and grabs the edge of the coffee table to balance herself as Chloe gropes around with her eyes still closed until she finally grabs onto the table right next to Aubrey's hand.
Not breaking the contact between her mouth and Chloe's neck, Aubrey manages untangle their legs and brace herself with one foot on the floor as she pushes them back onto the couch. Chloe inches herself into a sitting position against the corner of the couch and tilts her head back, panting as Aubrey straddles her lap and peppers kisses across her neck. She swallows thickly, her throat moving against Aubrey's mouth, and makes a sound that may have been supposed to be a word. Aubrey glances up at her, watching her lick her lips and try to speak, her eyes still shut.
Chloe gasps for oxygen for a few seconds longer then tilts her head sideways and brushes her hair away from her neck. "I want to be yours," she utters in a throaty voice. She grasps Aubrey's thighs and pulls her in closer, sinking back against the couch. "Please." She sounds desperate this time, her voice thick and almost forced. She clamps her eyes shut tighter and Aubrey realizes she's on the verge of crying again.
Ignoring the ache in her back as she's forced to bend over further, Aubrey presses her mouth against Chloe's neck again. She closes her lips around an area just above Chloe's collarbone and closes her eyes as she draws Chloe's skin in closer to her tongue. She can feel the heat radiating off of Chloe's body. She lifts herself up onto her knees and puts some distance between their bodies then slides her hand down between their stomachs until her fingers are between Chloe's legs. The sweet, musky scent of Chloe's arousal becomes more prominent as Aubrey strokes her and teases her with the tip of her fingers.
Chloe chokes on a moan and arches her hips up against Aubrey's hand, pressing the back of her head against the couch. She lifts her legs and wraps them around Aubrey's thighs, somehow managing to squeeze her arm between their bodies, their knuckles rubbing together painfully as Chloe's hand slides between Aubrey's legs.
It becomes impossible to focus on Chloe's neck, and Aubrey can only hope she left a mark. Pleasure ignites everywhere Chloe's fingers touch and she can't stop the noise that rises in her throat. She realizes briefly that they're going to have bruised hands as the friction of their knuckles bumping, and their arms sticking together throws off their rhythm. She tries to press her lips against Chloe's mouth again, but instead their heads bump together as Chloe pitches forward when Aubrey presses two fingers into her. The couch prevents her from sliding her hand back and forth and a groan of frustration begins to build but gets lost in a flash of heat as Chloe follows suit and pushes three fingers into her, moving them back and forth with ease. Aubrey quickly knocks them both onto their sides, ignoring a painful twinge as Chloe pushes into her too hard in the process.
Violent ecstasy ripples through Aubrey's stomach and legs – nothing like the waves of pleasure that she's used to. She gives up on trying to stifle the whimpers that keep rising in her throat, only crashing her mouth against Chloe's to muffle them. She rocks her hips to add force to her hand, trying to keep up with the kiss as their movements cause Chloe's teeth to graze her lower lip too hard. She flips Chloe onto her back and is roughly yanked on top of her in the process, but the new position adds some ease to their movements.
Chloe bucks her hips up against Aubrey's hand and pants hard against her mouth. Sweat begins to make them slippery against each other and Chloe's hand must be getting tired, because in one swift movement, she pulls her fingers out of Aubrey and switches to her other hand. She moans and arches her back as Aubrey's thumb begins to rub circles around her. Her muscles tense and she uses her free hand on herself to help Aubrey get her to where she wants to be, biting down hard on her own lower lip as she reaches her climax.
The pressure building around Chloe's hand intensifies and Aubrey falls apart as electricity swells up in her lower stomach and sends sparks down through her legs. She cries out loudly and collapses down on top of Chloe with her face buried in Chloe's neck, her chest aching from a lack of air. She can feel Chloe's heart pounding against her chest and realizes that her own is beating just as quickly and with equal force. Tremors continue to shake her as Chloe's fingers slide out of her and her arms wrap around Aubrey's back, preventing her from rolling off of her. Gasping, she slides both of her hands up Chloe's sides and to her shoulders, holding her close as they try to slow down and breathe as the same rate.
Chloe sighs and slides her hand up Aubrey's back, resting it between her shoulder blades. She stretches out her legs and turns her head, burying her face in Aubrey's hair, nuzzling the side of her head.
Aubrey's earlier exhaustion begins to find her again, only this time with more persistence, and she finds herself not wanting to move from her close proximity to Chloe – not that she thinks Chloe would allow to her to if she tried. She sniffles and tucks her face deeper into Chloe's neck and shoulders, her body relaxing as she breathes in Chloe's familiar scent. Her muscles loosen as Chloe squeezes one of her shoulders and entangles their legs back together again. She allows herself to be still as thoughts about the week become distant and unable to be grabbed onto, and only Chloe seems concrete. She can feel every inch of her pressed against her pleasurably aching body.
Maybe this week might be good for them in some ways, she decides.
Her thoughts drift, and she dully registers that Chloe's breaths are beginning to become slower and more even. She exhales slowly and then matches the rate of Chloe's breathing. She barely registers the amount of talking they still have left to do, instead engulfed by numbness as she finally drifts into the exhausted, relaxed sleep that she desperately needs.
Utilize surrendering.
When silence falls, to you it sings.
Sterilize your mentality, compromise your reality.
Restful mind, and peaceful eyes.
When sound is gone, then you will find,
It's all the same for the dreamers;
It's all the same for us, for us.
-Broken Iris