Bechloe-bible-49: No, Aubrey does not know.
FromTumblr: The pace is about to start picking up, actually. There is no longer any need to detail every single second like in part 1.
Andiclauds: The joys of adding a child who likes to bicker with Aubrey.
Guest: Thank you.
SunDanceQT: Yes, eventually - somewhat through Aubrey, somewhat through her asking Beca.
G: No one is perfect, and who knows what character flaws will come to light with Julia, but Idk if I see her as necessarily hypocritical rn. I think she's just protective of Aubrey, knowing her history with Beca, and stressed out seeing as she has one kid she's trying to care for and one in a coma - and, also, just a mom type.
Guest: Yes, Chloe will not be present for part 2. It's 4 parts. I can't imagine part 2 and 3 being as lengthy as part 1 and 4 though.
RJRMovieFan: If anything, they'll just wait until she's out of the room to fight. Like, the moment she steps out: Mom said it's my turn to use the X-box.
Dysrhythmia
These times will try hard to define me,
And I'll try to hold my head up high,
But I've seen despair here from the inside,
And it's got a one track mind.
And I have this feeling in my gut now,
And I don't know what it is I'll find.
Does anybody ever feel like,
You're always one step behind?
- Safetysuit
Aubrey is going to go stir crazy – sitting there, doing nothing, aside from slowly losing her grip on sanity and time. Sometimes, she looks at the clock, and the seconds tick by like hours. And other times, it's like entire chunks of time have passed by without her noticing. And she keeps hoping that the new shift of nurses will come in, but when someone comes to change the bandage on her arm, it's the same bitter nurse as before. They must be on a twelve hour rotation.
"I think anyone made hard by a job like this isn't cut out for a job helping people," Julia comments when she leaves.
"I'm sure she has a great personality outside of work," Beca jokes, "Just like Officer Drywood."
"That poor man. No wonder he is the way he is."
Aubrey's heart slams against her ribcage every second they talk without her – feeling like she isn't even there. She wonders how they can even keep carrying normal conversations out when Aubrey is tired just listening to them. Aubrey is just tired. They lift the back of the bed to sit, and Aubrey sinks into the mattress, wrapped up in the blanket and Chloe's mom, feeling like she, herself, is dissolving into nothing.
xxxxx
"Do you want to watch some TV?" Julia asks after Aubrey has been silent for a long while.
Aubrey shakes her head.
"Beca could go back down to the store," Julia offers, "I'm sure they have crossword puzzles or something, so you don't just have to lay here."
Aubrey wants to just lay here. Only, she doesn't, because just laying here is useless and she's feeling restless. But worse than just laying here would be doing a crossword puzzle, distracting herself from her uselessness by being even more useless. "I want to go see Chloe."
"I know. I'm just trying to think of things to help pass the time until that's possible."
Aubrey doesn't see why it's not possible right now. What she does see is that nurse sedating her and taking away the privilege to have visitors if she so much as looks crossways at the rules – and Aubrey tries to respect that, because that sounds like something she can respect. Only, right now, she can't.
xxxxx
"Your boss should be here in about two hours," Julia says, looking at her phone, "He's about to board his next plane."
Aubrey doesn't really want to see him.
"Do you want to talk to your friend?" Julia offers her her phone.
Aubrey shakes her head.
"You could challenge him to Words With Friends," Julia suggests.
Conrad? Aubrey shakes her head again. She plays Words With friends with Chloe's mom, Brian, and Chloe. It'd be hard to play Chloe's mom with just one phone. She doesn't really feel like talking to Brian right now. And well…Chloe…
Aubrey tries to just disconnect herself from all of this.
xxxxx
"Where are you going?" Aubrey asks, sitting up straighter as Beca stands.
"To the bathroom?" Beca answers, motioning vaguely in the direction of the bathroom attached to the room.
Aubrey expects something else from her. Some sort of 'Do I need your permission?' or something like that. But it doesn't come. Chloe's mom must have smacked some actual sense into her; Aubrey always thought that was just a saying - only, maybe not, because her father smacked sense into her plenty of times. But then Beca just sort of stares at her, and makes her question awkward – so maybe Chloe's mom accidentally smacked more sense out of her. "Go."
Beca salutes her as she turns on her heel, then half-marches into the bathroom. She bows as she closes the door.
"I think that's progress between you two?" Julia says lightly.
Sure.
Aubrey gets caught up on the empty space where Beca was just standing.
The rain refused to let up – and it was already slowing them down too much. Aubrey imagined they weren't even going one third of the speed they needed to be moving at to catch up. She was drenched in a matter of minutes – and, then, worse, the sky opened up into a downpour. She could barely see anything. She could barely hear it when Beca called her name. Everything was rain.
"Beca!" Aubrey called back to her. She tried to cover her eyes with her sleeves, spit water out of her mouth. "Don't move!" She couldn't track Beca and Chloe at the same time. The rain was no doubt ruining her path to both of them anyway.
"Aubrey, where are you?!" Beca sounded farther away this time.
"Just stay where you are!" Aubrey shouted. She covered her face with her arms and found a tree to huddle again. Water cascaded down around her. She pressed her forehead against the trunk, and ducked her head to try to keep it out of her face. It was like standing under a waterfall. And she just wanted Chloe. "Beca?!"
Silence.
Aubrey tried to look up. She couldn't see Beca. She couldn't see anything.
"What are you thinking about?" Julia asks.
Aubrey shakes her head. "Nothing."
"You're spacing out thinking about something," Julia replies.
Aubrey traces invisible lines across her cast with the tip of her finger rather than acknowledging what she just said. She glances up at the bathroom door, waiting for Beca to come back out. She needs to be able to see her. That's weird, Aubrey realizes, like the weird for Aubrey kind of weird and the creepy kind of weird. She angles herself forward to stare at the Gatorade bottle – not wanting to look at the bathroom door or at Chloe's mom, who looks like she's studying Aubrey's every move. She's suddenly irritated with her out of nowhere. "Stop."
"Stop what?" Julia asks, "What made your anxiety just shoot up to the sky? Beca leaving?"
"Stop talking to me like that," Aubrey demands.
"Like what?" Julia asks, "This is just how I-"
"Like I need your help," Aubrey answers, "Because I don't. I don't need you." Or anyone, but Chloe. She plasters on a tight smile, like that's somehow going to prove her independence right now.
"Okay," Julia replies calmly, "Do you want me to leave for awhile? Or I can go sit across the room?"
Does she want her to leave? Didn't Aubrey just go through this whole pushing her away business? Aubrey rests her elbow on the table and her head against her hand, closing her eyes. She doesn't even know why she's suddenly so annoyed with her. Aubrey loves Chloe's mom. That's a big word. She lowers her arm and head, begging herself not to puke all over the table or her own lap. Her nerves are bad in way that even Xanax couldn't help right now. She tenses all of her muscles, then tries to relax them, so maybe the rest of her will settle down too.
Beca is taking forever in the bathroom – and Aubrey hates that she has somewhere she can go hide with her feelings, while Aubrey is forced to stay in this bed, exposed to the whole world. Beca gets to hide, while Aubrey is stuck with Chloe's mom, who somehow keeps pulling Aubrey down off her high horse where no one is supposed to be able to reach her. They get to be alone and come back looking like none of this has even so much as gotten under their skin, and Aubrey gets to appear completely incapacitated to everyone. It's not fair. Especially because Chloe's mom is offering to give her that space, and Aubrey can't breathe at the thought of being left alone.
It hits Aubrey that she too also has the ability now to get up and lock herself inside the bathroom; she just doesn't have the energy to do so.
Aubrey feels all over the place.
"You're starting to get all sweaty," Julia comments, "Are you okay?"
Aubrey nods. She's great.
The toilet flushes, and the sink turns on, then Beca exits the bathroom – and everything in the room snaps back to the way that it was, leaving Aubrey behind in the muck.
"Beca, can you give us a second?" Julia asks.
"You want me to go…back in the bathroom?" Beca asks.
Aubrey shakes her head.
"Sure," Julia replies.
The bathroom door closes again.
Aubrey squeezes her hair in her hand. It's just the bathroom. It's nothing like being separated in the woods. So, then why does Aubrey feel the need to drag her back into the room where she can see her? Instead, she drags the container off the table, and places it on her lap 'just in case'.
"You're not going to like what I have to say right now, Bunny." Julia starts stroking her hair again. "But I think we should talk to someone about some medication to take the edge off of this for a little while. You don't have to feel this overwhelmed."
The suggestion feels like a personal affront.
Aubrey is not crazy – no matter what any mirror might have to say about it.
This isn't a 'mental health' problem.
This is a 'somebody tried to kill her' problem.
This is a 'Chloe is in a coma, and may not wake up' problem.
And now it's a 'Chloe's mom is suggesting Aubrey is the problem' problem.
Can't she see that Aubrey is just exhausted? Can't she just cut her a break? Can't she understand what Aubrey has seen and gone through trying to save her daughter's and her own life? She has no idea what it was like to feel Chloe's blood all over her. Or to be lost in the woods, soaked, and cold, not knowing where to go or what to do. To feel her own body shutting down. Or to put a bullet in a deer, and then in a person. Even Beca doesn't know – having watched a good half of it from the sidelines.
Aubrey tries so hard to suppress the tears welling up in her eyes, but the her stomach finally heaves, and it's over – it's over, no matter how hard she tries to grasp for control.
"This a panic attack, Aubrey," Julia says, gathering up her hair with one hand, steadying the container for her with the other, "When this happens, that's what this is. There are medications out there that can shut this down long-term." She finds the one thing that can convince Aubrey to start listening. "Maybe nobody ever told you this, but, Baby, there are ways to make this stop – before it even starts. Doesn't that sound like such a relief?"
Aubrey tries lying to herself, telling herself that it doesn't. But her throat, and her stomach, and her chest all burn, and the nausea doesn't fade even after her stomach is empty again, and it does - it really, really does.