Ash: I suddenly have a lot of free time, so...
FromTumblr: My circumstances have actually been better than expected, and I have a lot of time to write now.
96itadakimasu96: What book? I'm interested now.
SunDanceQT: It does look different from the other side. I'm learning a lot through writing this.
Andiclauds: Yes. There will plenty of flashbacks with Chloe awake.
Pixie1913: Aubrey's life would have been drastically different without Chloe.
Guest: Oddly enough, my life has become rather calm in these crazy times. I've never experienced so little stress - and so much time to write.
Dysrhythmia
The bed I'm lying in is getting colder,
Wish I never would've said it's over.
And I can't pretend,
I won't think about you when I'm older,
'Cause we never really had our closure.
This can't be the end.
I really miss your hair in my face,
And the way your innocence tastes.
And I think you should know this,
You deserve much better than me.
- Hinder
It was a Friday night, and there were people absolutely everywhere.
"Hey, Aubrey!" it started the moment she got in the door, "You can't hold your nerves, but you think you can hold your liquor?!"
"Maybe the police are using her to clear the place out. Vomit instead of pepper spray."
Aubrey looked the other direction. Those douchebags were not the reason she was there. She could not get caught up in trivial matters. She was there to get Chloe then get out.
"Aubrey!" Howie tried to approach her from the other side.
Aubrey held up a hand. "Not now, Howie." This wasn't the time for another experimental moment. She had to find Chloe. In this mess of people. It wouldn't be easy with all these people announcing her presence where Chloe might hear. This was fucking impossible.
"Are you looking for Chloe?" Howie asked.
Aubrey turned to look at him. This also wasn't time to do it all herself. "Where is she?"
"She's with that Tom guy," Howie answered, "Do you want a beer?"
"Am I supposed to know who that is?" Aubrey asked.
"You know, the baseball jock?"
"No, Howie, I don't know." Were all men this stupid? "How about you just show me?"
"Are you sure you don't want a beer fir-"
Aubrey gave him a look that shut him up immediately.
"I think they're out back."
And that is…where? " I said show me."
Howie led the way through the ever-changing corn maze of people – through the living room and the kitchen, finally out the back door to the patio. "You know you left your jacket at my place?"
"Thank you, Howie." Aubrey abandoned him there to continue her search alone. She still hadn't returned for that jacket. It was unfortunate she would never see it again, because she really fucking liked that jacket. At least she hadn't left anything in the pockets. It would have been quite a hassle if she had had to cancel her debit card or go to the DMV for a new drivers license.
It didn't take long to spot Chloe…and Tom. She was dancing against him with her eyes closed, red solo cup in hand – and he was trying to ply her with a bottle of beer. Could he not see she was already wasted?
"Aubrey. What's up?" Tom asked as she approached.
Oh, it was that Tom. The one that always wanted to talk to Chloe at baseball games. The one they had to explain to that, no, girlfriends were more than just girls who were friends. Incredibly stupid, but also relatively harmless. "Excuse me." Aubrey snatched the bottle from his hand. "She is drunk."
"It's a party," Tom pointed out, "Everyone is drunk." He smiled at her. "Because it's a party. Do you want a beer?"
Aubrey already had a beer in her hand. She made sure he was watching, then threw the entire bottle over the patio rail.
"Ow, what the hell?" Someone asked.
"Shut up, man, it's free beer," someone else said, "From the sky."
God, Aubrey hated these parties.
"What are you doing here?" Chloe slurred, finally catching up with her presence.
"Chloe, it's time to come home," Aubrey replied, "It's late, and you're drunk."
"Oh, so now you want me." Chloe backed away from her.
"Chloe…"
"Well, so does Tom. Right?" Chloe turned to where he was just standing and frowned in confusion.
They both looked around for him, until they spotted him in the yard, listening in fascination as two guys explained it had just been raining beer bottles.
Aubrey turned back to Chloe and arched her brows.
Chloe was still staring at Tom.
Aubrey took the opportunity to snatch her drink out of her hand, both to get it away from her and gain her attention back. "Chloe."
Chloe turned and took one step, stumbled, then turned back. "Where am I going?"
"Home," Aubrey answered.
Chloe shook her head. "Where is the door inside? Something happened to my drink."
"I happened to your drink, Chloe. Me." Aubrey looked at it in her hand, and then at the three idiots still going on about it raining booze. She might not be able to make Chloe's dreams come true, but…she could burn some frustration on theirs. She chucked Chloe's drink at them, then followed Chloe across the porch as they roared with laughter and disbelief. "That's the wrong way."
"Because you're always right."
The hurt took away from what might otherwise be amusement as Chloe walked straight into the railing.
Chloe stopped and looked surprised. She turned and walked the other way, nearly falling over herself as Aubrey grabbed her by the arm.
"You can be as angry as you want at me, Chloe, but you need to go home."
"You don't know anything that I need," Chloe informed her, "You just made me think that you did." She ran into someone while walking inside and didn't even notice. She just fumbled for the doorframe for stability.
"Maybe not," Aubrey agreed, and resisted the vodka bottles on the counter, "But your mom does, and she told me to take you home."
That slowed Chloe down.
"Do I need to call her?" Aubrey asked.
Chloe stopped and shook her head, then paused and nodded.
"I need to call your mom?" Aubrey grabbed her again and dragged her to the wall, away from all the people that kept crashing into them. She could barely even understand what Chloe was saying in all the chaos and the noise.
Chloe nodded again and leaned into the wall, using it to stay upright. "I want to go home."
Great. Aubrey pulled her away from the excitement, and now Chloe was going to crash. Aubrey could see it, especially as Chloe turned herself inward toward the wall. "We can call her in the car. Let's go. Now."
"You don't want me to go with you."
"You know that's not true." Chloe had to know that wasn't true.
Chloe pushed herself from the wall and stumbled sideways, grabbing a beer from someone's hand. From Howie's hand. She tipped it to her lips, and supported herself with a hand on his chest.
Howie looked at helplessly at his drink, then at Aubrey.
Aubrey swore to god, if he was standing there looking for another three-some… "What do you want?"
"Besides my beer?"
"Howie, I don't have time for your pathetic infatuation with me right now," Aubrey informed him, and swiped the beer from Chloe to shove it back in his hand, "Okay?" She pulled Chloe away from him, and held her arm to keep her from wandering off.
"I was going to ask if you want help getting her to the car," Howie offered, "But since you said I'm pathetic..."
"I'm just gonna go to Florida," Chloe mumbled, trying to twist away from her, "I'm walking to Florida, not with you. Not with you."
"You're just going to walk to Florida?" Aubrey confirmed, and tried to pull her toward the door. She wanted to cry – but, at the same time, Chloe was so ridiculous.
"Hey, she doesn't want to go with you," some idiot in a polo pointed out as he approached them.
Why couldn't this be a Sigma Beta Theta frat part where Howie would be the worst thing for Aubrey to have to deal with? "Stay out of this."
"They're with me," Howie said.
Aubrey was about to respond that no, they definitely were not with Howie, but stopped when the guy turned around and walked away. She considered apologizing for calling him pathetic, then, just, 'got distracted' by Chloe still trying to escape. "Chloe!" It was like she was trying to hold onto a toddler.
Howie blocked her from the side, and helped Aubrey get her out the front door.
"I don't want to have sex with you right now," Chloe announced, loud enough for everyone in a five mile radius to hear, "I'm going to have sex with Howie without you."
Judging by the look on Howie's face, that wasn't going to happen.
"Are you leaving me for him?" Chloe asked.
"I'm so sorry," Aubrey mouthed to Howie, her cheeks flushing.
"Are you?" Chloe pressed.
"No." Aubrey pulled open the passenger side door, then wrestled Chloe inside. It didn't take nearly as much effort as getting her to the car took.
"You are."
"I don't even like Howie." Aubrey looked at Howie as she made sure Chloe was securely buckled. "I'm sorry." She was sorry he had to witness this. She walked to the other side of the car, then got in.
Chloe pulled her feet up onto the seat, and curled up against the door.
Howie gave them an awkward half-wave goodbye.
"Chloe, I…" Aubrey's words caught in her throat as she tried to explain herself. She started the car like that would buy her time, then pulled out into the street.
Chloe glanced in her direction.
"I'm trying to do what's best." Aubrey squeezed the steering wheel to keep herself grounded. "I'm trying to look out for you." I'm trying. She glanced over at Chloe for a second, before returning her gaze to the road. Couldn't Chloe see that this was hurting her too?
Chloe looked at her a moment, not saying anything in response, then turned and curled back into the door.
xxxxx
"I don't know what to do," Aubrey whispers as she traces the lines on Chloe's palms, "Everything feels like chaos."
Chloe has always been good at giving Aubrey advice in the times that Aubrey feels like she's coming unhinged.
Aubrey has just never been good at taking it.
She'd take it now though.
She needs Chloe to tell her what to do.
"I just want you to wake up. Please." Aubrey stops holding her hand just long enough to wipe her eyes on her arm. "I'll do better. I'll do anything. You can even leave me for Beca." Just don't leave me. She glides her fingertips up and down the length of Chloe's arm. "Please, wake up. Please. I miss you."
There is no response. No sign of movement. No changes on the heart monitor.
"Chloe," Aubrey begs and lightly shakes her arm.
The door opens, and Aubrey quickly wipes her eyes again then lowers her hand to her lap. She feels like she was doing something wrong, shaking her, even if it was gentle. She should be kicked out. Security should come physically remove her.
"Here's what we're going to do," Julia says, pulling a chair over to sit beside her, "Dad changed his flight to four days from now, so, if we leave in five, it'll only be a day that he's gone."
They changed his flight for her…
It should make her feel better, but it piles on more guilt.
"Does that work?"
Aubrey nods.
Julia reaches over and runs her fingers through Aubrey's hair, and uses her other hand to stroke up and down the bridge of Chloe's nose. She falls into silence – staring off past Chloe in much the same way Aubrey is, sniffling every so often. Her eyes are rimmed red and her cheeks are flushed, and it seems like she must have been crying rather hard in the time she was out of the room. Something must have triggered her into the same exhausted place Aubrey is in.
And it kills Aubrey that Chloe's mom is here trying to help her cope rather than off with her husband, trying to help herself cope. Aubrey could tell her to go, but she knows that she won't. Because just like Aubrey, she's too fucking stubborn.
xxxxx
Chloe was nearly asleep by the time Aubrey pulled the car up to the house. She parked in someone else's parking space – only slightly deterred by how she would be chewed out later. "Chloe, let's go," she said, and leaned over to unbuckle her seatbelt once her own was off.
Surprisingly, Chloe kind of complied. She assisted in removing her seatbelt before leaning her body weight up against the door again.
"You're going to fall out when I open your door," Aubrey warned her before she got out of the car. This must be what getting a sleeping child out of a car was like, she decided, and did her best not to let Chloe tumble to the pavement. If she fell, getting her back up would not be pleasant. "Can you stand?" she asked, replacing the door with herself for Chloe to lean on.
Chloe nodded.
"Then do it."
Chloe got to her feet with Aubrey's help, then stumbled forward into her.
"I got you." Aubrey wrapped one arm around her to keep her upright, and shut the door.
"I'm so mad at you," Chloe mumbled into her shoulder.
Aubrey was pretty pissed at herself too. She locked her car, then stuffed her keys into her pocket. "This isn't where I usually park; we have to go this way," she said, and attempted to nudge Chloe along up the sidewalk.
Chloe refused to budge. She wrapped her arms tightly around Aubrey's torso, and Aubrey could feel hot tears dripping onto her shoulder. "I'm so mad."
"Well, you can hate me inside." Aubrey tried to sound optimistic about it, but she was starting to wish she was drunk too. Not quite as drunk as Chloe. Just enough to not feel anything for awhile.
"I don't hate you!" Chloe slurred, becoming more upset by Aubrey's word choice. The rest of her words became lost in sobs.
They couldn't stand outside; Aubrey had to pry Chloe off of her against her will. They could talk about all of this in the morning. Right now, Aubrey just needed to calm her down and put her to bed. That became the goal, something to focus on to avoid becoming overwhelmed by what she had done earlier to cause this. She kept one arm around her, and did her best to keep them on the sidewalk, as she assisted Chloe to the house and in the door.
Aubrey wished everyone was asleep. God, she wished they all were asleep. Because once they were finally inside, all of the Bellas turned from whatever movie they were watching to witness Chloe crash into the side table the moment Aubrey turned around and tried to lock the door. A few of them snickered, not phased at all by Aubrey's furious glare.
Chloe draped herself over the table like she was going to try to sleep on top of it.
"Take her to bed," one of the girls said.
"I'm trying," Aubrey snapped. They could make an effort to help. She'd seen them all assist each other in moments like this at one time or another. And, honestly, they probably would have been helping Chloe if it wasn't for Aubrey's presence. "Chloe, up the stairs." The stairs were going to be fun. She had never seen Chloe so out of it.
Chloe tried to lie down on the steps too – and the girls watched her cry and fight against walking the whole way up the steps.
"What a mess," someone commented, sounding mildly amused.
"Literally a walking disaster."
"Please, did you see her? She could barely walk. Aubrey practically had to drag her."
Aubrey wouldn't exactly consider it dragging her. Chloe used her feet – it just took a lot of physical coaxing. It was a good thing that Chloe didn't care what the Bellas had to say. Or Aubrey might have actually gone back downstairs and ripped them to pieces one by one.
xxxxx
Julia pulls the sleeves of her sweater down over her hands to wipe her face. She leaves her hands covering her eyes for a second, and when she starts to cry, she stands up and takes herself to the other side of the room.
Aubrey turns to watch her, alarmed.
She stands with her back to them, taking deep breaths and wiping her tears away with her shirt until she calms down.
Aubrey isn't sure what to do or say… What does someone do when their mom or dad are crying? The only emotion she's ever seen her parents actively express has been anger. There have been times she's seen her mother cry – but, during those times, she was also acting so volatile that to approach her would have been reckless and potentially harmful.
But Aubrey can't just ignore her.
Even though, in separating herself from Aubrey, that seems to be what she wants.
She didn't walk out the door though, so Aubrey is confused.
"Mom…" she tests the waters.
Julia clears her throat then smiles a sad smile – nothing like the kind Aubrey plasters on when she wants to avoid that something is wrong. She doesn't seem so very intent on hiding that she's upset. "I just need to be up for a second," she says, calm again, "Goodness, I am tired." She closes her eyes and rubs them.
"Maybe you should sleep," Aubrey suggests, "I can go." She stands up.
Julia makes a quiet humming noise and shakes her head. "I would prefer if you stay. I think hard times are easier when everyone is together. You can go if you want to though. I'll walk you back to your room."
"Where is Dad?" Aubrey asks. He should be here…
"He often deals with hard times better alone," Julia answers.
"That doesn't make you upset?" Maybe that's why she's so upset now…
"Sometimes," Julia admits, "But I think we've learned to compromise well."
"He's not here…"
"I am okay with the fact that he needs to go his own thing," Julia says, and Aubrey believes her.
"So what about you?" Aubrey asks.
Julia looks a little confused. "I was just with him. Are you trying to ask me why I'm crying?"
Aubrey doesn't say anything.
"I'm crying, because I miss Chloe," Julia answers her, "I'm crying because I have one kid unconscious, and another one that hates me, and another that pushes me away in fear – but that's no fault of your own. I'm feeling a little like I'm going to wake up one of these mornings, and all that's going to be left in my world is me and my husband, and that's really scary and sad to me. I'll still have him, but I love having a whole family. I love Chloe, and Daniel, and you. You're all something important to my heart. So important to my heart."
Aubrey still doesn't understand why her. Why her? Surely, Chloe has dated other people. It doesn't make sense for Chloe's family to love her for any other reason than Chloe. It doesn't make sense. She looks away. "I just want to know why." Why?!
xxxxx
"We're going to get your pajamas and put you in bed, okay?" Aubrey laid out what was about to happen for her.
But halfway to their room, Chloe took a sharp U-turn in the hallway, before Aubrey could catch her, and made a beeline for the bathroom.
Aubrey turned and quickly followed her. She caught up before they got there, and got down on her knees with her to help.
"You know you share this bathroom with other people, right?" Alice said, appearing in the doorway, "That's disgusting. Take her somewhere else."
Aubrey looked at Chloe, who was upset enough already and working herself up more over the fact that she was more than likely about to start throwing her guts up. "Where do you want me to take her, hm?" They were already on the floor.
"Outside," Alice replied.
Outside? Like an animal? Aubrey could feel her temper and her blood pressure rising. She pulled a hair-tie off her wrist with her teeth, then used it to gather Chloe's hair up, ignoring what she had just said for the moment. Chloe was crying, and that was more important.
"No wonder you're friends," Alice said, watching Chloe dry heave, "You're an awful lot alike." She made a gagging motion, then left and shut the door.
Fucking bitch.
Aubrey pulled her phone from her pocket, remembering that Chloe had wanted her to call her mom, and Chloe's mom wanted Aubrey to contact her when she got Chloe home. Maybe that might calm her down a little. She placed her phone on speaker before she dialed, then placed it on the edge of the tub, and listened to it ring.
"Hey," Chloe's mom answered, "Is everything okay?"
Aubrey slid her hand under the back of Chloe's shirt, rubbing her bare skin as she seemed to throw up a good portion of what she had to drink all at once. Good. If she got it all up now, life might be easier for her in the morning when she was sober and more aware of what was happening. "She's puking," she stated, even though she was sure Chloe's mom could hear it.
"Oh, Pumpkin, it's okay," Chloe's mom tried to soothe her over the phone, "You're okay."
Chloe shook her head.
"Aubrey, are you good to handle this?" Chloe's mom checked in on her.
"Yeah." Aubrey leaned her head against the edge of the tub, and kept rubbing Chloe's back. Not that she could do much if that wasn't the case. But, honestly, Aubrey couldn't come up with a scenario involving taking care of Chloe that she couldn't handle. "I think she just needs you." Because Aubrey was the one who caused this mess. She was surprised Chloe's mom wasn't already up-to-date.
"Okay. Chlo, Sweetheart, you'll be okay in a second, and then you can go lay down with Aubrey and get some sleep. I can plug in the phone and stay up with you, if you need me to, but I think Aubrey's got you. Just let her help you."
"Come get me," Chloe pleaded once the nausea let up.
"I cannot come get you, Chlo. I cannot, or I would. But I can be here on the phone for you tonight."
"Momma, please…" Chloe leaned her body forward, getting sick again.
"I know, I know, Sweetheart. If you need to come home for a few days, we can talk about it tomorrow. We'll find a flight, and I'll come get you from the airport. But I cannot come get you this very moment, because I am too far away. Right now, you have Aubrey there. You're going to be okay."
Aubrey closed her eyes, and turned her forehead against the tub. God, she royally fucked everything up.
xxxxx
"Why what?" Julia asks.
Aubrey knows she knows what Aubrey is asking – she's just prompting her to say it more specifically. She stubbornly shakes her head. There's a difference in talking bluntly to other people than there is in talking to Chloe's family. "Nothing."
"Chloe isn't the only person who can find you loveable, Aubrey." Julia comes to sit down next to her again. "I think you complement our family in a way that nobody but you could."
Aubrey stares forward at the wall. That isn't a reason. The doesn't answer Aubrey's question. Why?!
Julia sighs. "I wish we could have had you as a kid – taken you away from that family of yours before whatever they said or did sunk in."
"They weren't that bad," Aubrey assures her. "They just wanted me to be strong and independent." The problem is that Aubrey constantly failed them.
"We would have loved you so hard," Julia continues, "You wouldn't have been able to do anything but believe it."
xxxxx
Aubrey finally got Chloe up off the bathroom floor before her phone could die and make things worse. She led her to the bedroom, and gathered up the essentials to put next to the bed. The paper can. Aspirin. A bottle of water. She plugged in her phone as Chloe stumbled over to her own bed. But instead of laying down, she grabbed her pillow and bear, then found Aubrey's bed and collapsed sideways right in the middle of it – and Aubrey moved everything back across the room to her own side.
"Chlo, are you gonna go to sleep?" Julia asked. She sounded tired. Aubrey was tired. Chloe was definitely tired.
"I think she'll fall asleep," Aubrey said. She changed into her pajamas, then walked back to the bed and worked on stripping Chloe down. She managed to get a t-shirt on her, then left her in that and underwear. How often did Chloe wear pants at night anyway? "Chloe, you have to lay the other way now."
Chloe didn't respond.
Aubrey considered leaving her like that, and just going to sleep in her bed. But she couldn't do that. She crawled into bed and did drag her this time, to the right position so that they could both lay down and cover up. It seemed like Chloe was already asleep until Aubrey turned out the light, then collapsed on her stomach between Chloe and the wall. She slowly lifted her head as Chloe scooted over to cuddle up with her. She absolutely reeked of Tequila and vomit. Whatever. She dealt with Aubrey smelling like the latter far too often. Aubrey turned and spooned around her, taking the position of the big spoon for once.
"Aubrey, are you both okay?" Julia asked, "Can I go to sleep?"
"Yeah," Aubrey mumbled, confused about why she kept checking up on Aubrey too. She wasn't the one who had had too much to drink.
"Thank you for being so good to her," Julia said.
Aubrey pulled Chloe in tighter, stroking her arm with her thumb. She wouldn't think that in the morning when Chloe told her what had happened. She wasn't nearly as good to Chloe as she wished she was. She wanted what was best for Chloe; she just…kept failing. She wasn't cut out for loving Chloe. She wasn't good enough to deserve the life that she and Chloe weren't slowly starting to build. She was both too much and not enough. And Chloe deserved better.