x

Dysrhythmia

When I woke up, I couldn't feel my arms;
They felt as if they weren't my own.
I don't remember if I really slept at all;
I might have been out building walls.
How can I stand and hold up this great wall?
And if it falls then I might blow away.
- Barcelona

"Aubrey?" There's a soft knock on the door. "Are you okay, Baby?"

Answer me, you fucking coward.

Julia tries the door handle.

I know it's you.

"Aubrey, I need you to say something so I know that you're okay – even if you're just telling me to go away."

Aubrey presses herself as tightly into the far corner as possible without actually touching the walls and waits until she hears the tone. "I hope you called because you heard my message to Chloe," she whispers, "Because I also have one for you. If you ever even think about coming near me or anyone I love ever again, I will make sure you're dead. You better turn yourself in before I find you."

"I can understand that you might need space, but they're going to start boarding soon – and if you don't answer, I'm going to assume you're not okay. And you best believe this isn't my first rodeo when it comes to breaking down doors. I've gotten really good at it over the years."

Fuck. Aubrey ends the call and turns the volume on the phone to silent. She drops the device into her pocket then turns and walks across the room to open the door, coming face to face with Julia on the other side – and, honestly, it's a little intimidating how tall she is sometimes. She has to glance upward to see the upper half of her face, and in the moment, it makes her feel very, very small when she wants to feel bigger than everything around her.

"This is the last leg of the trip. You're almost in New York," Julia says, "Okay?"

Aubrey nods and presses her fingertips against the center of her stomach where it's starting to cramp up again.

"Are you going to be okay on the plane?"

Is there an option not to be? "I'm going to wake up Beca."

"I already woke her up."

Aubrey looks away from her, almost laughing at the sound of her own voice inside of her head childishly proclaiming that she wanted to wake her up – especially now after what just happened. She gives up on trying to relieve the pain in her stomach and attempts to fold her arms with her stupid cast on. Why does it even matter who woke her up? It's not like Aubrey is going to be able to talk to her about it – not right now at least.

"Aubrey."

Aubrey looks at her again and tries to keep the tremble in her knees from being noticeable.

"Breathe." Julia demonstrates for her with a deep breath.

Aubrey knows how to breathe. She tries to step around her to get back to the waiting area, but Julia blocks her way.

"Breathe," she insists again followed by another exaggerated inhale and exhale.

Aubrey looks around the tiny hallway, at the ceiling, the art on the walls, anywhere but at her. Fine. Whatever. If that's what's going to get her back to Beca. She inhales deeply and breathes. It fucking hurts.

"Again."

"If I wasn't already breathing, I would be dead, okay?" Aubrey snaps at her, then immediately regrets it.

"Well, I'm going to be honest with you and tell you that you're not looking very far away from that right now, so take a moment and breathe."

Aubrey shakes her head at the wall and lightly rubs her fingertips up and down her aching sternum as she does what she's told.

"I think you should take something for the pain, right now, before it gets bad."

It's already bad. "It's fine." Aubrey wants to take something for the pain, for the nausea, for the feeling of dread that has her hands shaking – something so much stronger than whatever it is they're giving her to take. Something that won't leave her feeling okay for a second then let her end up right back here feeling like shit again.

"You are white as a sheet," Julia points out slowly, "You're rubbing your stomach and your chest. And you are shaking."

And Jesse just called her on the fucking phone.

She needs to be with Beca.

Right now.

That's what she needs to do right now.

She needs to make sure that she's safe.

But Julia is still blocking her from going back down the hall.

"How am I supposed to take anything if you won't move?"

"Before I move out of your way, you're going to stand here with me, and you're going to breathe." Another lengthy, exaggerated breath follows her words.

Aubrey doesn't want to fucking breathe; it's exhausting. She rubs her face and does it anyway, because putting up a fight is even more tiring. Everything hurts and tingles and somehow feels numb at the same time as she pulls oxygen into her lungs. She looks at the wall and waits for her mind to slow down and her body to follow suit. It had been stupid to call Chloe's phone, knowing full well it had gone missing with all the rest of them – minus Aubrey's, which met a painful demise. She had just…been hoping they had been throw away somewhere or smashed, not in Jesse's possession. How did he even unlock it anyway?

Maybe they can use that to track him!

"Our phones were taken," Aubrey says, turning to face her, "If Jesse has them, then maybe-"

"Aubrey," Julia cuts her off, "We have to talk for a second, okay?"

Talk for a second… Julia isn't telling Aubrey to breathe because she thinks she isn't calm now; she's telling her to breathe so she'll stay calm. She takes a slight step back to the bathroom, her mind immediately jumping to every worst possible scenario.

"It's not about Chloe," Julia calms her fears, "The hospital hasn't called, which means that she is fine."

Then what?

"I have a friend," Julia says quietly, "He used to work for the Orange County PD a long time ago. I've never been a fan of the cops for a variety of reasons, but this guy I really like. It's been awhile since we've been in touch, but I'd still consider us good friends; he and his wife are actually Chloe's god-parents. We, uh, whenever I had a case that needed immediate assistance from the police department, he would always be the one that showed up for me." She pauses. "It turns out he has been working as a detective just outside of Seattle for the past three years, and he just texted me because he heard about Chloe and he wants to help. He'll give you information, real information, in return for information from you."

Aubrey isn't quite sure she's processing.

"The news isn't reliable, Aubrey. You don't know what kind of misinformation they're spreading or what's just being used as a shock factor to get views and ratings. If you need to be informed every step of the way through this, this is a better way to do it."

"Is he allowed-"

"No." Julia shakes her head. "That's why I'm telling you now. Because this is a big decision, and you should use this flight to think about it before you decide to just jump in with both feet. You have a law degree; you know how much trouble the two of you could get yourselves into. So use this flight and think about it."

"But you think I should talk to him…"

"I don't want anything to do with the decisions that you two make," Julia replies, "I will support no matter what. And if you do get yourselves into trouble, you can best believe I'll be here trying to bail you out. But this is all you."

Aubrey licks her lips, but it doesn't make them any less dry.

"I know that you're going to dig and keep on pressing until you get to the bottom of this and get that man locked up, and I can't stop you. But I can try to make sure you're in good hands."

"You're sure we can trust him?"

"110%. I would trust him with my life."

Aubrey already knows her answer. She just feels dizzy trying to take in the discussion.

"Are you okay? I know there is a lot to take in right now."

She has no idea how much information Aubrey is trying to sort through right now – even from just over the last several minutes. No one does. Relax, Aubrey, she's helping you. This is a good thing. There is no reason she should feel so lightheaded right now. The entire hallway is spinning along with her thoughts. A hand on her back keeps her grounded.

"Let's go get some water."

Okay. Water.

"They're calling for people to board," Brian says as they make it back to the lounge.

"We'll be there in a second," Julia says, "Save us seats."

Beca doesn't budge as the three men leave. She stands there with her arms folded, and Aubrey wonders if Julia told her too. If so, Aubrey can't imagine her being very happy about this. But it's hard to tell when Beca looks so unhappy in general.

"Here, Honey. Small sips, okay?"

Aubrey turns to see a water bottle extended out to her. She had been so busy staring at Beca, she hadn't even realized Julia had gone over to the bar. It's a fight to keep her hand steady as she takes the bottle and slowly lifts it to her lips. As tempting as it is to fake taking a drink, she swallows a few miniscule sips of water.

"Better?"

No. She just needs to sit down and let all of this process. The tingling numbness that began in her chest is starting to expand across the entire upper half of her body including her head, and by the time she fully catches up to the question being asked, nodding would be too much of a delayed reaction – and Julia has already moved on to go through her carryon bag.

She returns with a few pills, which she swaps Aubrey the water for until Aubrey tosses them in her mouth without as much scrutiny as before. If they manage to ease some of this discomfort, she'll begrudgingly accept whatever is being given to her – unless it's something that's going to knock her out. In that case, she's going to be very unhappy, asleep, but very unhappy. She struggles to wash them down, because even with water, her mouth is too dry and they want to stick to the back of her throat and leave the worst possible taste in her mouth. Eventually, she manages, and Julia leaves her side to gather up their things.

"Next stop: LaGuardia."

xxxxx

Take off is a bitch. Between the motion, the pressure change, and the general claustrophobia, Aubrey spends the first thirty minutes of the flight daydreaming about emergency ejection seats. It's not actually a new daydream; while Chloe enjoys spending much of her free time watching chubby cats trying to fit into boxes on YouTube, Aubrey has a entire playlist comprised solely of pilots ejecting from fighter jets. This is just the first time she has ever wanted to eject herself out of a plane. It doesn't provide much of a distraction seeing as how it doesn't take her focus away from how much she doesn't want to be where she is right now. At some point, her thought process shifts from ejecting herself to hitting a button that ejects Beca for the sheer entertainment of it, and that's a little more distracting – but not by much.

Finally, the pilot tells them they can put their tray tables down, and she's able to lean forward and rest her head on that and try to relax.

"Dude, how are you not feeling any better?" Beca asks when that position gets old after only a few minutes, and Aubrey rests her elbow on the table and her head against her hand.

"I do feel better." It just comes and goes in waves. Aubrey sits up straight and tugs at her seatbelt in an attempt to loosen it.

"Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to get checked out one more time at a different hospital," Julia suggests. She turns and unbuckles Aubrey's seatbelt, then places the blanket on her lap to hide what she's done from the flight attendants.

For what? So they can remind her she was shot and her body was in shock when they found her curled up next to Chloe – both of them dying? Or so they can suggest that her freakish, idiosyncratic stress habit is probably being exacerbated by a colossal amount of stress right now? "I am not staying at the hospital again."

"No one is saying you have to," Julia replies and reaches over to rub the back of her neck, "But you're miserable, Honey."

Of course she's miserable. "I'm fine." She's dealt with nausea her whole god damn life; maybe not this strong or ongoing or coupled with this much pain, but…she can deal with this – for however long it takes. Just…hopefully it won't be that much longer before Chloe wakes up and, with that, everything else will work itself out too and she won't feel like this anymore. And wasn't she told that eventually this would just go away if she took a pill meant to somehow cure all her problems?

"Everything okay back there?" Brian asks, turning to peer over his seat at them.

"Mhm," Julia hums to him, "Thank you." She pauses. "You know what, on second thought, maybe you can flag someone down for some ginger ale."

Aubrey is so tired of trying to force things down into a stomach that clearly just wants to be empty. They hit a few seconds of turbulence, and it serves as an explicit warning not to drink whatever is offered to her if she wants to make it through this flight. "If I wanted something to drink, I would order it myself."

Brian turns back around in his seat, and Beca angles her body to look out the window. Julia just keeps gently massaging the back of her neck.

The plane hits another bump, and Beca grips the arm rests. "The last thing I want right now, or ever, but especially right now, is to crash and be stuck on another island like that show you and Chloe watch."

"There are no islands between Chicago and New York City, Beca."

"There is if we fly above Michigan," Beca argues, "What about the island in Lake Huron?"

"Why would we fly all the way up to Canada and then back down?"

"Maybe the pilot is a fan of Lord Huron."

Aubrey sighs. "And here I thought you knew Geography just because."

"I have no idea why you would assume that," Beca replies.

"Me neither."

Beca snorts.

"It's called Manitoulin Island," Aubrey informs her, "It's the largest freshwater island in the world. Did you know it has 108 freshwater lakes?"

"No, and neither should you."

"I just thought it was interesting that you would mention the plane crashing onto an island with 108 freshwater lakes."

"Why?" Beca asks.

"Clearly, you've never watched the show."

"And now I never want to."

Aubrey reaches up and points the air vent away from her then adjusts the blanket, feeling particularly cold. "The Great Lakes played a key role in the War of 1812."

"You say that like it explains something."

It explains why Aubrey knows about Lake Huron. "Do you not know anything about History or Geography, Beca?"

"I do. I do know things about the War of 1812, and I knew that Lake Huron was above Michigan."

Aubrey tilts her head, very interested in what Beca thinks she knows.

"I know that in 5th grade music class, we were forced to chant 'Baltimore, Maryland. Chesapeake Bay. Fort McHenry. During the War of 1812.' And that teacher missed her calling in writing commercial jingles that get stuck in your head forever."

"What happened at Fort McHenry during the War of 1812?" Aubrey inquires.

"Well, there was a war," Beca answers, "So, I'm assuming people died."

"That's where The Star Spangled Banner was written," Aubrey informs her.

"No," Beca argues, "The Star Spangled Banner was written by Francis Scott Key in 1814."

Aubrey bites the down on her tongue before she says anything that will have Julia hauling her off to the bathroom to 'talk'. "Beca," she says in a 'bless your heart' tone of voice, "The War of 1812 didn't end until 1815."

Beca is quiet for a moment before responding, "Well, that's a really misleading name for a war. Whoever decided to call it that should have waited until the war was over."

"History and Geography are important."

"Why?" Beca asks.

"Why are Historyand Geography important?" …how are they not important?

"Why do I need to fill my brain with facts about The Great Lakes when I can be learning shit that's more important and more interesting?"

"Like what?" Aubrey asks.

"I don't know." Beca scoots away from Aubrey and closer to the window. "I bet I wouldn't need Google to help me come up with five super fun facts about dinosaurs. I know a lot about that."

Julia blows air out her nose then clamps her hand over her mouth and regains composure.

Aubrey's nostrils flare and she clenched her jaw as she stares directly at Beca's face for a very uncomfortable amount of time, waiting until Beca starts to shrink beneath her glare before she slowly turns to face the seat in front of her without a single word. Sometimes silence is more threatening. She presses her tongue against her bottom teeth and thinks about all the ways to make Beca miserable in the small apartment they're about to be sharing. In her defense, at least with needing to use Google, she was drunk. She could come up with five facts about dinosaurs with no assistance at all right now, if she wanted to – which she definitely does not want to do.

"I'm sorry," Julia apologizes for laughing, "I was very confused about what was going on, but it was cute."

Aubrey feels far too warm now. It's the first she's felt any semblance of warmth in weeks. She pushes the blanket down and pulls the air vent so it's blowing directly on her again.

"That's not too cold?" Julia reaches up and adjusts the vent so it's blowing a little less on her but still hitting Aubrey.

To be honest, Aubrey is beginning to feel like her body has no realistic concept of temperature anymore. And she's kind of even more miserable now that Beca has shut up and isn't irritating her. Fighting with Beca is actually a really great distraction. In another wave of dizziness, it's difficult to come up with something to get the argument going again, so she places her elbow on the table and tucks her head against the inside of her arm as she waits for it to pass.

"Brian, how long is this flight?" Julia asks between the seats.

"About two hours," Brian answers.

"Good, so, we're close to being halfway there then." Julia leans back again. "That's good."

Not good enough.

xxxxx

They fall into silence with Beca staring absently out the window and Julia playing on her phone with one hand as her other hand rubs Aubrey's back – and Aubrey tries to do what she was supposed to be doing this whole time; she tries to process and think. But her mind more or less just bounces between the two major topics she's trying to think about and never quite gets anywhere with either of them. She already knows she wants to talk to the guy Julia mentioned to her, but thinking about it beyond that just feels so…out of reach. And to know that Jesse has Chloe's phone? That makes her feel even sicker than the plane bouncing around in the air. At one point, she wonders what there even is to think about beyond simple acknowledgement of these two things.

And then the worst thing happens – she stops thinking about everything she should be thinking about altogether, because it becomes too repetitive and having her back rubbed feels really good, and she passes out face first against the plastic table without even realizing it's happening.

xxxxx

She can't be asleep for longer than thirty minutes before she's being jostled awake again, even more tired than before. "I can do it," she mumbles in response, and even she isn't quite sure what the hell she's talking about. She tries to shrug Julia's hands away from her with both shoulders and the entire left side of her body locks up. That wakes her up. It also leaves her stunned in a moment of white hot pain.

"We have to put the table up, Aubrey, okay?"

The table…

"But if you want to, you are more than welcome to rest your head on me instead and go back to sleep until we've landed."

Her head is resting on a table… She lifts it slowly and tries to adjust to wherever she is right now without actually opening her eyes. It's definitely not in bed. It's the airplane. They're in New York.

Julia lifts the tray table and locks it into place, then has her arms around her right after and pulls her in. "Go back to sleep. We still have some time."

Aubrey tries, but she's too uncomfortable. She rubs her face then reaches up and fumbled around for the air vent, expecting that to help.

"Here." Julia points the vent toward them. She pulls some of the blanket over herself, clearly cold from the air blowing directly at her.

Aubrey is cold with it pointing at her too. Sort of. She mostly just feels like she's about to be sick. Not here. Not right now. Go back to sleep. Pain igniting in her shoulder and in her abdomen keeps her awake and she shakes her head, trying to will it away.

"No what?" Julia asks, "What's the matter?" She brushes Aubrey's hair away from her face, then stops and feels her forehead and her cheek.

"Still freezing?" Beca asks.

Julia exhales a lengthy sigh. "No."

"That's good then…right?"

Julia's hand is cool on Aubrey's face and she leaves it there, alternating between placing it on her forehead, her cheeks, and her neck.

Beca wasn't taking silence for an answer. "Right?"

Suddenly two sets of hands are on Aubrey's body, and that increases her alertness. She sits herself up and manages to grab both of Beca's hands with just one of hers, and she pushes them away. "Get off of me." The plane dips, and she rests her hand on her forehead and tries to breathe through her nose. The moment Julia offers her one of the plane's sick bags, she smacks it to the floor. She just needs to get off this plane and go home – to her own home. Soon, she tells herself, that'll happen soon. She angles herself to the side and places her head back down on Julia's shoulder, looking out through the window across the aisle as the city comes into view, hoping seeing some movement outside might make her feel a little less disoriented.

"I told you when we were in that tree," Beca says, "You're sick."

"I'm not sick, Beca," Aubrey argues in bitter, exhausted irritation. She's not. She knows she's not. She can feel that she's not. This isn't a bug or the flu or anything like that. She's sick to her stomach and it hurts.

"Then why aren't you feeling any better?" Beca asks.

"I don't know." Aubrey stares through the window at what she's fairly certain is 432 Park Avenue and tries to refocus her attention on what it must be like to live in one of the tallest residential buildings in the world. She can't focus when she feels like this. The second it starts to blur, she turns and hides her face between Julia's shoulder and her own arm, out of sight from the other passengers around them.

"You're home now," Julia says and resumes rubbing her back, "And we're gonna get you all sorted out. You just have to hold tight just a little bit longer - just a little bit longer."