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Dysrhythmia
This is the sound of voices two;
The sound of me singing with you,
Helping each other to make it through.
This is the sound of voices two.
- Wailin' Jennys
"Beca." Aubrey taps on the bedroom door with the back of one finger. She checked on her prior to going back to her apartment then proceeded to give her space when she wasn't interested in joining. But she can't just stay locked away all evening. "Are you coming to eat dinner?"
The door opens not even five seconds later. "If it means you eating without putting up a fight, then yes."
"Are you okay?" Aubrey asks, not budging from her spot as Beca walks past her.
The question makes her stop. She sighs and looks back. "Yeah." It sounds halfway believable. "Sorry I skipped out on our shower bonding and going back to your place."
"No, that's actually okay." Aubrey takes a few long steps to catch up with her after she starts walking again. "I have something to show you later – and we should probably shower first."
Beca shoots her a skeptical look. "Why?"
"Bonding with you is just that important to me, Beca," Aubrey answers with a barely concealed smirk.
"You're a jerk."
"And I hate how you smell."
Beca raises her eyebrows and scratches her cheek with her middle finger.
"Come sit down, Girls." Julia pulls out chairs for each of them in the midst of helping to set the table.
"Hey, Champ," Noah greets as she chooses the chair beside him. He holds his fork in one hand and his spoon in the other and gives Aubrey a light elbow to the arm. "I found a guy who will rent us a boat to go out at night and look for sharks. What'd'ya say? Wanna go get some air?"
"Nooo." Julia answers before she can react, "She's doing something with Beca tonight – and she's supposed to be resting." She gives Aubrey a pointed look.
Aubrey waits until she looks away to mouth 'another night.'
Noah nods then they both look away from each other as Julia looks at them again.
"So, what's for dinner?" Beca asks.
"Linguini!" Conrad announces.
"You ever touch a shark?" Noah whispers in her ear.
"No. You?"
"Not yet. I was thinking we could get some fish and lure them to the boat. Sounds fun, right?"
"No." Julia whips the side of his head with a dish towel. "You're going to get yourselves in trouble or, worse, put yourselves in danger. No sharks."
"Whales?"
"No."
"You can put the dick in Moby Dick," Beca says to Aubrey.
Aubrey rolls her eyes. "That sounds more your style."
"You ever notice how all whale stories are also penis euphemisms?" Conrad asks, "Moby Dick? Free Willy?"
Beca snorts and accepts her plate.
"Dopey Dick the Pink Whale," Brian adds, joining them at the table, "What? It's a real film. Look it up. It's part of the Woody the Woodpecker series."
"Please nothing with teeth, okay?" Julia says.
"Portuguese Man O' War," Noah states, pointing at Aubrey, causing his wife to rub the bridge of her nose.
"Oh, I've seen one of those!" Aubrey exclaims, "It was by your house!"
"And you never told me?" Noah replies.
"Aubrey, eat some food, please," Julia says.
Oh. Right. Aubrey takes the plate that Conrad is trying to shove at her and places it on the table. She opens her mouth to talk about the jellyfish, but Noah interrupts her.
"Listen to your mother." He pauses. "Tell me you poked it with a stick."
Aubrey nods.
"So let me get this straight," Beca says, "You can touch alligators, sharks, and venomous jellyfish – but you still sit cross-legged on the chair because you're scared of the dog?"
Aubrey drops her fork. "I'm not scared of the dog."
"In that case, I dare you to sit normally."
"This is more comfortable for me."
"I'm declaring ten minutes of silence to eat," Julia says.
They all fall quiet and Aubrey picks her fork back up to twirl some pasta around it.
"And drink," Julia adds.
"Way to go," Brian mouths at Aubrey.
The silence makes it more difficult to take a bite when they're all pre-occupied looking around the table at each other.
"This is really hard for me," Conrad whispered and is shushed in response.
Beca recieves the next 'shhh' as she coughs trying not to laugh. "There's pasta stuck in my throat," she defends herself, "I'm choking."
Aubrey laughs just before she can put her fork in her mouth.
"Why is that funny?!" Beca asks with a wide grin.
"Nothing is going to be funny if you wind up back in the hospital again," Julia reminds her, and Noah backs her up by clearing his throat in Aubrey's direction.
Aubrey takes a bite of pasta and continues passing looks back and forth with the rest of them. It feels like one of those ice breaker games where whoever laughs first loses. That helps her concentrate. She swallows her food, puts on her most stoic expression, and crosses her eyes. It works. When she uncrosses them, Brian has his head on the table, Beca is looking at the ceiling, and Conrad is hiding behind his hands – all of them on the verge of losing it. She sits back, proud of herself – daring them to do better.
It's Conrad who dares to take a chance next. He lifts a piece of pasta from his plate and dangles it above his lap. Aubrey is unsure what he's doing until a few seconds later a black nose pops up between his stomach and the table and starts trying to get to the pasta with only a long, pink tongue. It's a good thing Aubrey doesn't care for dogs.
Beca covers up her amusement with a mouthful of food then looks at Brian to determine who is going next.
"You are both sitting directly across from me," Julia points out, "I can see you."
They look away with sheepish grins.
"Aubrey, you have a very impish side to you. How about you cause all this trouble after you eat? Yes?"
It takes a second for Aubrey to realize she's waiting on a real response. She nods and then, along with the rest of them, looks down at the food with half a grimace. Even in silence, they all seem to eat at twice the speed she does. By the time their ten minutes is up, everyone is almost done while Aubrey has barely gotten through 2/3 of what's on her plate.
"You did good, Babe," Julia excuses her when people begin leaving the table and Aubrey is left absently twirling her food.
Aubrey breathes a sigh of relief that the rest can be emptied into the trash, mostly because that means she doesn't have to sit in the kitchen alone. "Shower?" she asks Beca.
"Am I allowed to ask what these post-shower plans are?" Beca asks.
"No."
Beca tilts her head all the way back with a groan and follows her toward the bathroom. "Can I bring our duck?"
"To the shower or after?" Aubrey asks.
"Both?"
"No."
"No to after?" Beca closes the door behind them.
"No to both." Aubrey uses her teeth to hold the end of her sleeve as she pulls her arm through so she can get her shirt over her head. She keeps her back to the mirror and folds the shirt over her knee as opposed to on the counter.
"You're not fooling anyone. I saw that Aubrey at dinner and she would totally like my duck. I just want to know why you've been hiding that you can be fun this whole time." Beca turns on the water.
"You know what sucks?" Aubrey asks and leans back on the counter. "There was part of me that liked that The Bellas hated me-"
"No one hated you."
"I thought it would hurt less to keep everyone at a distance. Now they're all gone and I wish I'd made more of an effort to be closer. I never felt that family bond that everyone else did. Alice made sure of that and once she was gone, I made sure of it too."
"You felt it with Chloe." That brings a shadow of a smile to Aubrey's face. "And it seems like you have a pretty good family here."
"That's exactly it." Why not act completely ridiculous at dinner? "Because for how long?"
Beca doesn't answer that.
"They're not safe because we're not safe. Someone could come along at any second and just-" Aubrey can't finish her sentence. She finishes taking her clothes off and covers up her cast without looking in Beca's direction. That would be the ultimate punishment, wouldn't it? To kill everyone and leave one of them to survive that alone. Everything feels like she's operating on limited time.
"Do you ever just lay under the water?" Beca asks.
"What?"
She stands with one foot on the edge of the tub to adjust the shower head. "Try it."
"Try what? Just laying in the bathtub?"
"Yeah." Beca does exactly what she suggested – resting on her side with room for Aubrey next to her. She pats the empty space.
Aubrey makes a face, wondering when the last time was that anyone deep cleaned this tub, then lowers herself into the shower anyway. She pulls the curtain then turns to rest on her side – the water cascading down over her stomach and thigh. Any second, this whole building could just explode…
Beca laces their fingers. "I'm thinking of something that has three eyes."
"A cuegle?" Aubrey asks.
"No. And I don't think I want to know what that is."
Maybe it was 'i's. "Infinity? There's a lot of words with three i's in them."
"This one…is usually orange," Beca offers her another hint, "Do you give up?"
"No. Is it eyes or i's?"
"Yes," Beca answers.
It has to be the letter. What has three eyes? "Um…" This is actually difficult. "Is there a real answer to this question?"
"Yes!" Beca sits up and grabs the soap to shower right there on the floor. "You want yours too?"
Aubrey nods. It's usually orange. "So if it's not orange, what color is it?"
"Off the top of my head, I have no idea. I think I saw one that was kind of white once."
"Where did you see it?" Aubrey knocks the soap bottle from Beca's hand when she tries to squeeze it and fling soap on her. "I can do it."
"Walmart."
"This is because I shop at Target, isn't it?"
"No. You can see them at places other than Walmart."
"Where?" Aubrey asks.
"A bunch of places!"
"Like?"
"Sewer plants," Beca answers.
This is a trick. It's not a real riddle. Aubrey wrinkles her nose in Beca's direction.
"I'm being serious!" Beca laughs. "You know I've never actually tried to wash myself on the shower floor? This is harder than it looks." She leans over Aubrey's lap, effectively rinsing soap suds directly onto her. "Sorry, is this – is this bothering you?"
Aubrey purses her lips together as Beca slowly drapes herself over her legs specifically to get a rise out of her.
"Do you want to know what has three i's?"
"Fine," Aubrey concedes, "What has three i's?"
"A goldfish. Get it? It has two eyes on its face and an 'i' in fish."
Aubrey stands up, barely giving Beca a chance to get off her lap. She lifts her hand, presses her palm against half the shower head, and sends the water directly at Beca's face.
"I take that as a compliment." Beca spits out water and ducks the rest of her head underneath the spray to get her hair wet. "Do you want me to wash your hair?"
"No. But I'll help you with yours." Aubrey flips open the cap on the shampoo bottle and squeezes it over Beca's head for a full five seconds.
"Thanks, Aubrey."
"Uh huh." Aubrey squeezes significantly less into her own hair then leans over to rinse it out over Beca. "How's that?"
"Yeah, no, this is great," Beca answers, choking over soap and water, "Best shower I've ever had."
Aubrey slides back down next to her to finish rinsing off without drowning her. "I brought you something to wear."
"What exactly is it that we're doing?" Beca wipes water from her eyes to be able to look at Aubrey. "I know it's not a date after the conversation we just had."
"It's not a date," Aubrey confirms, "But you should still look half decent-ish."
"Implying that I don't always look half decent-ish?"
Remaining silent is far more satisfying than answering. Aubrey squeezes the water from her hair as she stands up and then she steps out of the shower without looking back. It eases some of her nerves to see that the mirror is opaque with steam. She can breathe while grabbing a towel from beside it. "Jesus, I can't wait to get this cast off," she says, drying the plastic. The idea of being able to do everything for herself again keeps her motivated while Beca assists her in wrapping the towel around her body before grabbing one for herself. Stupid hunk of….plaster.
"Now how exactly do you plan to do that?" Beca questions Aubrey's choice to pick up her hairbrush and hairdryer with the same hand.
"I don't." Aubrey waits for Beca to secure her towel before yelling, "Mom!"
"This house is like three square feet, Baby," Julia comments as she opens the door, much to Beca's amusement, "You don't have to yell that loud."
Right. "Chloe said you don't respond otherwise."
"Well, if Chloe ever actually tried calling my name quietly, she would know otherwise."
Beca locates a second hair dryer under the sink. "I'm just gonna go dry my hair in the bedroom. You can get in trouble for dinner alone."
"No one is in trouble for dinner," Julia says to Beca's back as she leaves then looks at Aubrey, "You're not in trouble for dinner. Let me take those." She plugs in the hair dryer. "Do you want me to curl it too? I can see what I can do without hairspray so you don't have to wash it again before bed?"
After some deliberation, Aubrey nods.
"You know this is not that much different than going to the salon or having Chloe do your hair, right?" Julia asks when she starts picking at her cast, "It's cheaper than the former and probably faster than the latter."
"I'm just having war flashbacks to blow drying the cat," Aubrey replies. She only wishes she had let Chloe do her hair more outside of Bellas performances. It's not as though she never offered. "I miss her."
"Me too. Here, why don't you sit down…"
Aubrey slowly lowers herself onto the edge of the tub, poking at leftover water droplets from the bath with her toes. The thought of her never being here again is still too much to fully comprehend and she wonders if it will ever feel real. It's enough to fully deflate a person. She finds herself leaning forward with her arm across her knees, looking for the strength to get back up.
"Be sad," Julia gives her permission, "It's okay."
"How do people get through this?" Aubrey whispers.
"By lack of other options. I know you've already had to get through too many things that way. It's so hard when everything feels out of your control. I'm sorry that's probably not what to hear. It's not what I want to hear either. Just take it one breath at a time."
The warm air created by the hot shower is beginning to cool off and the hair dryer temporarily moves from her hair to her shoulders and arm, eliminating the goosebumps beginning to form.
"I was thinking about the sleeping arrangements tonight since Dad is back. Door open and I'll check on you, door closed and I'll leave you be? And you and Beca are perfectly free to come sleep in the living room if you want. Does that work?"
Aubrey glances back at her and nods.
"I'll get up a few times so if you want to open it in the middle of the night, you can. If you guys are going to be outside for awhile, please dress warm, okay? I don't want to check on you and find you shivering. I'm sure Brian would let you borrow his jacket again. Make sure Beca is warm too. She seems to prioritize comfort but would sacrifice it to be stubborn."
Beca bursts back into the bathroom with her towel still on a few minutes later. "How long do I have to wait naked? Can you at least tell me where the clothes are?"
It hasn't even been that long... Her hair is still half wet.
She stuffs the dryer back under the sink. "I've had enough of freezing my ass off while being wet for one lifetime. Sorry, Mrs. B. Butt." It must not bother her too much, because she crawls into the bathtub and lounges back. "Your hair looks nice."
"Why don't you sit up here and I'll make yours look nice too?" Julia suggests. She runs her fingers through Aubrey's hair a few times then swaps the blow dryer out for the curling iron.
"There are a lot of people implying I'm hideous tonight," Beca says and moves to sit next to Aubrey.
"I can tell it to you straight up, if you want," Aubrey offers.
"You're beautiful, Beca," Julia cuts in.
"Your mom thinks I'm pretty." Beca elbows Aubrey in the side.
Aubrey sits up straight. "My biological one wouldn't."
"Why are you so mean?"
"Your turn, Beca, turn your head," Julia says after many long moments of curling Aubrey's hair in silence, "Aubrey, if you found her that ugly, would you really be having sex with her?"
Beca bursts into laughter so hard she nearly falls head first into the bathtub while Aubrey looks away with her eyes bugging out. "If it makes a difference, she makes us do it in the dark."
"Excuse me." Aubrey sinks slowly into the tub, mentally begging the drain the swallow her whole. Whose mother says that kind of thing? Chloe's…
"That was perfect." Beca wipes tears from her cheeks.
It may be the case that Aubrey can never look either of them in the eye again after that. The drain pipes can't pull her in fast enough.
"It's okay, Aubrey, if this is awkward, you have your biological mom to set those kinds of boundaries with," Julia says with a sweet smile.
"Please find her and send me to her," Aubrey desperately replies.
Julia rolls her eyes. "You know, I was just making an educated guess. But now that I know, what's going on with you guys? I know there's been a lot of hard feelings in this area."
"Aubrey and I decided to just be friends," Beca answers, "I guess Chloe is just going to have to deal with it. I think if we tried to do it Chloe's way there would always be those hard feelings and it doesn't really seem worth fighting anymore."
That's enough of an answer that Aubrey can continue pouting without adding to it.
"I think that's a very wise decision," Julia says, "For all three of you."
"You're only saying that because you want Aubrey and Chloe to be together without me," Beca replies, "You want me out of the picture." Her entire body tenses and she tries to escape Julia putting the curling iron on the counter to hug her once she's done. "I'm fine with that! I don't even care!"
"Yeah, you do." Julia releases her to unplug it. "It's okay. You'll figure that out too."
The smile on Beca's face becomes thinner and pulled taut. She smooths out her towel, visibly swallowing, and looks past Aubrey like she has x-ray vision and can see straight through the tub to the café below them. "Are you ready?"
It's not as though Aubrey has much of a choice. The second she asks the question, she's out of the tub, leaving Aubrey behind in the bathroom. Aubrey has to grab their clothes from the hallway before she follows her. "Beca," she says and closes the door behind her once she finally reaches the bedroom, "Nobody wants you out of the picture. We're building a whole house together."
"You think that's what we were talking about? You know what…it doesn't matter. Let's just do whatever this thing is you want to do."
"I knew you were in love with her…" Aubrey whispers.
"Yeah, well, she didn't exactly make it easy not to be." Beca backs herself up against the wall.
Aubrey takes one slow, deep breath as she lays their clothes down on the bed. "Thank you."
"For what?" Beca asks.
"For giving that up."
"Do not do that." Beca points a finger at her and walks around the bed. "I'd rather have you be pissed at me than feel bad for me."
"We're done being angry, remember?" There is no reason to be anymore – at least not for her.
"Do you really think that's a good idea with your blood pressure being so low?" Beca tries to deflect, "Maybe that'll help raise it back to normal."
"This fight is over, Beca. You just said it yourself. It's over. Chloe's not even here right now. It's just us. You can be mad if you want, but it doesn't even matter if she-" …if she never comes back.
"I never said I was mad," Beca replies, "I'm not mad."
"It's understandable if you are."
"I'm not mad." Beca rubs her face, and Aubrey isn't convinced. "Except I'm kind of mad at what you want me to wear right now. Why are we wearing that?"
It would have been a long shot to expect Beca to dress in full Bella uniform – but Aubrey will argue the casual Bellas t-shirts gifted out during her freshman year until Beca puts one on. They're not anything special – just a light blue crew neck with white lettering. It was what they wore to and from performances up until Aubrey's junior year when Alice demanded they always be in uniform. "We're having a memorial. It's this or the skirts." She sits down on the edge of the bed to get dressed, already knowing Beca's choice.
"What if I say I want to wear the skirt? Maybe I want to go out there in full Bellas garb."
"I have it with me."
"Why didn't we get shirts like this?" Beca holds Chloe's shirt up to her chest. "I love it. I can't wait to put it on."
"We barely raised enough money to afford competing and you wanted a shirt? Finances were a disaster and it didn't help that we got complaints of you shooting penises with arrows on Valentine's Day when you were supposed to be doing a job to raise money."
A throaty, self-satisfied laugh shakes Beca's shoulders.
Aubrey rolls her eyes. "Someone asked for their money back."
"Yeah, because the dude asked me on a date instead of the person who sent the telegram! That's not my fault."
"That's not why they wanted their money back."
"It said so right in the email, Aubrey! You saw it with your very own eyes! You can't just deny it because you don't want it to be true."
Says Beca. "That's not what it said." Aubrey stands up. "Ready?"
"Yeah," Beca answers, picking up her jacket, "But you're not. Go put a coat on."
"Fine. But don't go without me."
"I'm not," Beca mouths, still smiling.
Aubrey takes one last irrritated look at her then walks swiftly down the hall to snatch Brian's jacket from a hook by the door.
"Hey, Bunny," Julia calls to her from the couch, "Come here."
Aubrey turns and holds up the jacket with one finger through the loop.
"I can see you have the jacket."
"Not that you asked for it," Brian chimes in.
"I was going to ask if you wanted this." Julia pulls a tube of red lipstick from her bag. "A little bit of nostalgia."
More like a heaping amount of it. Aubrey glances toward the bathroom, debating how well she can do without a mirror.
"You can say no…"
"Can you do it?" Aubrey asks, "I usually put it on with my left hand."
"Why would you put it on with your left hand if you do everything else with your right?" Brian asks.
"Why does it matter what hand I use to do things?" Aubrey replies, "Does it affect you?"
Brian rests his elbow on the edge of the chair and touches his fingers to his lips in thought. "It might."
"Turn your head." Julia uncaps the lipstick. She holds Aubrey's jaw with one hand and continues to hold it once she's finished, making eye contact until just before it becomes awkward. "Come in if it gets too cold."
Aubrey nods in agreement and starts to put the jacket on, accepting help with getting it adjusted.
"You're welcome," Brian comments as she passes by.
"Sorry," she mutters to Beca once she's back, "I'm ready now."
Beca turns around, holding up the scarf that had been on the bed with their clothes. "This has Chloe's initials. Where's yours?"
A familiar sense of loss akin to the morning she had woken up to find her doll no longer beside her settles in her chest. "I had with me, there." She lifts her hand in the scarf's direction then lets it fall back down and slap her side. "At least we still have Chloe's." And when Beca figures out how to get her stuff from LA, she'll have hers too.
"Maybe yours is in evidence…"
"I don't even remember where I put it. I don't remember if I packed it or if I left it in a drawer." It could be anywhere. It's most likely long gone. She takes the scarf out of Beca's hand when she holds it out then tucks it into her jacket pocket.
"If you want to wear it, I can tie it."
"No." Aubrey has other plans for it. It's even chillier outside now than it was earlier, but it feels kind of nice when she opens the window to the fire escape. It's like standing directly between Spring and Fall, and she almost doesn't want to move in one direction or another. Still, she swings her legs over the edge with Beca's help then follows the stairs down to the back patio.
"Lovin' the rainbow fairy lights happening out here," Beca comments, looking around.
Aubrey approaches a table with two chairs that have been pulled away from their stacked position by the fence and set up on the stage.
"Do you feel that?" Beca asks.
Aubrey looks at one of the lamps on the stage. They're heat lamps, she realizes, when warmth hits her face.
"I could literally stand here forever."
"Help me pull two of them closer." Aubrey falls into a chair once everything is in position and removes the scarf from her pocket.
"What is this?" Beca asks as she fondles the diamond studded crystal ball while Aubrey wraps the scarf around the base. "It looks like that thing they drop on New Years."
"It is. Um, every New Years, Chloe and I, um… Chloe and I go and we watch the ball drop and we catch the ticker tape. Every piece has someone's resolution for the year on it. We take home as many as we can and we stay up all night picking out the best ones and wishing them well by burning their resolution." This might have been a better idea if she had taken into consideration that their friends' bodies had been burned. Beca doesn't look like she disapproves yet though. "I was thinking we could write everyone's names down on paper and maybe just say something we liked about them or a good memory we had."
Beca's silence and neutral expression are impossible to read. Maybe it was a bad idea just springing this on her. "I just want us to have a chance to do something for them too."
Beca rubs her eyes and then her whole face, with Aubrey in a torturous state of suspense as she waits for a reaction, then reaches forward and grabs a sticky note and a pen. "Fine. I've got some pretty good memories up here," she says and taps her temple with the pen's clicker, "But, Aubrey…"
Aubrey arches her brows.
"If I humor you with the good stuff for this, I'm going to need you to keep some of it between us. Seriously, if you tell anyone, even Chloe while she's unconscious…"
Memories that even Chloe hasn't gotten her hands on? Aubrey leans forward with her arm on the table.
"Dude, don't look at me like that. I'm just doing this because now I'm going to feel bad if I say no or throw out some lame run-of-the-mill eulogy. I'm trying to do this the right way."
She tries to appear to be somewhat interested in Beca's reasoning on the outside. But who cares why she's playing along? It's not as though Aubrey had actually been expecting much more than a few half-hearted sentences on both their sides. If Beca has something so secretive that not even Chloe could dig it out of her, it has to be worth hearing. "Spill."