Author's Note: I've been updating this a lot more than I thought I would. But that's mostly because I have so many chapters and I also know that soon I won't be able to update as much... so hopefully these quick updates right now are enough. These next few chapters are gonna be kinda depressing, so fair warning.

Trigger Warning: Abuse, Death.

PS: Don't hate me. These were some of the hardest chapters I've ever written and I seriously debated this.

Chapter Nine:

In Love and Death Part II: On Sleepless Roads The Sleepless Go

Titles from: "In Love and Death" (album) by The Used and "Hear You Me" by Jimmy Eat World which is absolutely beautiful. You should check it out.

Kenny knew it was going to be a bad day. It started when he woke up late. The electricity had gone off in the middle of the night so he woke up shivering violently and able to see his breath. After trying to thaw his hands, he quickly dressed in his hoodie and a pair of sweatpants and ran to school as fast as he could. He also managed to forget his backpack which resulted in not having any of his homework. His teachers had either given him zeros on the assignments or gave him detention.

He spent the rest of the day dealing with a sour stomach and a killer headache. He didn't really talk to his friends much, just listened, and slept through most of lunch. Kenny felt like he was coming down with something, hopefully not the flu, but his hoodie kept him warm so that's all that mattered.

The day was going better until 7th hour where he barely made it to the bathroom before throwing up the minimal contents of his stomach. His mouth burned with the acrid taste of bile and acid and he laid his head on the toilet bowl just to feel something cold against his apparently burning forehead. He would believe it if someone told him he was literally on fire. By then he just wanted to go home and shoot himself in the head; that's how he dealt with being sick.

After school, he went to detention. Thankfully football was over otherwise he'd be late and wouldn't be able to play. But they had lost the semi-finals to Littleton, which he wasn't too upset about. Instead of working on the algebra, biology, and history homework he had, he just laid his head on the desk and slept the hour and a half away; it was a nice break before he went to work. Butters met him outside after his play practice and asked him if he was okay. Kenny didn't even want to talk, so he nodded, mumbled a, "we'll talk later," and slowly dragged himself from South Park High School to the convenience store at the edge of town.

He spent his time trying to avoid looking at the clock. He failed at that; he almost cried when he thought forty-five minutes had passed only to realize it was only eight minutes. He just wanted to go home, curl up, and sleep. His stomach churned, his mouth tasted awful, his head throbbed, and too many people wanted the crappy pizza he threw in the oven.

The walk home was awful. The bitter chill wracked his body and snow fell on his shoulders as he shivered and trudged through the early nightfall. He felt his nose drip and his teeth chattered violently; he simply wiped at the snot with his sleeve, gritted his teeth and bowed his head. His jeans and long-sleeved shirt had practically frozen to his skin in the bitter wind and he used the energy he had to trudge through the knee-deep snow. He'd be surprised if he didn't die of pneumonia tonight.

In the distance, Kenny heard a car horn blaring ceaselessly. He looked up in the dark to see a pair of headlights shining horizontally in the ditch coming towards him. He grew worried and wiped his nose once more and ran through the heavy blanket of snow. He coughed in his sleeve and blinked against the snow that landed on his eyes.

As he approached he saw it was an old tan Chevy pickup truck. His stomach churned as he read the license plates.

"Dad?" He asked himself and ran to the passenger door. The windows were frosted over yet he could see two bodies in the truck and he bit his lip in nervousness. He pulled open the door and felt his stomach flip.

Kenny turned from the strong smell of blood and felt his stomach heave. He wretched painfully and slowly, fearfully, looked back into the truck.

He couldn't help but stare at his mom's bruised head pressed against the steering wheel. Her body was limp and blood poured dark and constant from her parted moth. Her Olive Garden uniform was stained crimson and her neck was at an odd angle no one could fix.

Tears burned his eyes as he looked in the passenger seat.

Karen.

"Oh my God." He whimpered as he saw the unconscious girl. Her forehead was bleeding heavily and the seatbelt had given her a deep welt on her neck. She was held in suspension by the belt around her body. His shaking hands unbuckled her from the confines and he wrapped his arms under the small girl's frame. He cradled her as he slowly and carefully walked away from the truck. He could feel her fluttering pulse in his hands; he knew her life was on the line and it was up to him to save her.

Fuck his family for not being able to afford a cell phone, or a track phone.

"Don't worry, Kar, I've got you," Kenny whispered and pulled her coat's hood over her face so she could stay warm.

Every step was labored under the weight of carrying his sister. She was by no means heavy; in fact his entire family was probably severely underweight. Yet under his own failing health she seemed to weigh as much as Cartman. Nonetheless, he trudged through the snow and kept his eye on the main road.

He soon entered South Park and could feel his shoulders tremble with dry sobs as he entered the town he hated so much. Yet right now it looked so beautiful. The option he had was take her to Hell's Pass Hospital or take her home and call an ambulance. He knew nothing about her condition and knew it probably wasn't smart to take her out of the car, but he had to. And out of the choice of either helping his mom or his sister, the decision seemed obvious.

Kenny's footfalls tracked from the main street to the back streets and over the railroad crossing. He coughed deeply and swallowed back the urge to vomit as his stomach squirmed. Never before would he say he would be happy to see his shack of a home. As he approached the sidewalk he saw the living room light was on which meant Stuart was probably home; he didn't have time to think about that though. With his hands holding Karen protectively, Kenny lowered his head to the doorknob and enclosed his mouth on the metal. His teeth bit down and he slowly turned his head to open the door. His skin had frozen to the metal and closing his eyes he ripped his mouth off of the doorknob.

The fourteen year old rushed inside the house, ignored the startled shouts coming from his father, and laid Karen comfortably on the couch. Without a word, he ran to the phone on the wall and quickly dialed 911. Almost immediately, a female voice spoke to him through the speaker.

"911, what's your emergency?"

"I... my sister was in a car accident. The truck... the truck's westbound three miles out of South Park... but I brought her home 'cause she'd freeze... I don't have a cell phone. I don't know, uh... McCormick, 213 East 5th Street, South Park. My mom's still in the truck and I couldn't... my sister's unconscious and bleeding real bad... and my mom, she... her neck looked real funny and..."

"I'm sending two EMTs now, you said 213 East 5th street, sir?"

"Yeah." Kenny murmured and tried his hardest to ignore Stuart's screaming. He fought off the urge to cry and vomit and raked a hand through his hair.

"Can you stay on the phone with me, please? Respondents have been sent, can you give me some information?" Kenny nodded, not comprehending the fact the woman couldn't see his actions. "What are your sister and mom's names?"

"Karen Annabelle is my sister's name, Caroline Michelle is my mom. McCormick."

"And their ages?" Kenny sighed shakily and

"Karen's twelve. My mom is thirty," Kenny answered and glanced over to Karen who lay motionless on the couch. Her blood was beginning to stain the arm.

"And what's your name?"

"Kenny... Kenneth."

"And-"

Kenny dropped the phone and yelped as a pair of hands grabbed his neck and slammed him hard against the wall. He stared with wide eyes at his dad who's jagged nails dug into his neck.

"What the fuck ya do to 'em?!" Stuart screamed; Kenny shook his head.

"I didn't..."

"Why didn'tcha save yer ma? She brought you into this life and yer better of savin' her!" Kenny remained silent as his dad continued to scream at him. He couldn't handle this; not now. "If she's dead, son, if you fuckin' killed her, I swear to God and the Devil and all of them that you'll be down in that grave of yers fer good. Ya hear me?" Kenny nodded and heard the woman on the other end saying something yet he couldn't understand a word she said.

He slid down the wall and bent his knees to his chest. He cried out when feeling his ear clouted. Kenny swore his eardrum ruptured as blood poured out from the impact onto his face and neck. He closed his mouth as Stuart picked him up by his wounded ear and practically threw him against the legs of the coffee table. His shouts of pain from him kicking his ribs and stomach with steel-toed boots were muffled by his hands. As Stuart shouted and walked into the next room, Kenny coughed and crawled to the couch where he looked up at his little sister. He took her hand and kissed it; her skin felt cold against his.

"Stay, Kar-bear..." he whispered, resting his forehead on the back of her hand.

He was composed until the paramedics came, loaded her on a stretcher, and held him back from riding with her. Kenny shook his head and screamed as he watched his father board the ambulance with Karen; it wasn't right, Stuart didn't care about her at all. He tried to run yet two paramedics held him back and he shouted and thrashed against them.

They asked if he needed checked out for his ear; he just laughed bitterly. He wasn't aware of the tears streaming from his eyes and mixing with the blood on his cheek. The convulsion of his shoulders could have been anger or grief, he didn't know and he didn't care. Karen needed to go, now. Why waste their time on him?

Because without Karen he was nothing. His entire existence meant nothing to him if he didn't have her. She looked up to him and he let her down and it was killing him. He couldn't let her die and he had to be there for her. Unlike him, she wouldn't come back from the dead. And he would give up every life just to see her laugh and smile; because she was the only McCormick who was going to make something of their last name.

Every breath he breathed he wished he could give to her. Every blink of his eye, every heart beat, yet they remained trapped within. His lungs ached, his eyes burned, his heart sank. Kenny would have no purpose if there was no Karen.

"Please... please let me go with. I need to... she needs me, please?!" He begged. Kenny's voice was raw and hoarse in his throat. The paramedic holding him shook his head and sighed heavily.

"I can only allow one person, kid. But you did a lot; you probably saved her life. Your sister is gonna think you're a hero; she's gonna go into surgery when she gets to the hospital and someone will call. I'm sorry."

"No, please?!" Kenny screamed and ran after the man who had rushed back to the ambulance. The fourteen year old burst through the door and chased after the emergency vehicle and entire block Yet he watched them pull down the street and his side was stitching and his bones were giving out under the stress and weakness.

"No, no, no..." Kenny whispered as he panted and watched the flashing lights disappear.

The blonde stared into nothing and felt nothing. Something was off, something was wrong... terribly wrong. He could feel it in his labored breathing, taste it in the blood on his tongue. His stomach knotted and his heart fluttered as a sparrow with broken wings. He had to remain hopeful, there was a chance she could survive, but she already had her hero. Her guardian angel hadn't gone to save her, he had, and the realization that he, Kenny McCormick, could never save his sister from the pain and misery of the world bore down on him like a knife to the spine.

He wasn't sure of when he had fallen to the ground; he was practically out of his mind at that point so the cold was simply a reflection of his negative emotions. His cheek was hot against the snow and the wind chilled his body; he was sure he had a roaring fever yet it didn't matter.

Kenny felt arms pick him up and carry him away from his house. God have no mercy on his cursed soul. He deserved nothing more than the lowest layer of hell.

His eyes blinked at the impact of warmth and bright light. He looked into the face of Stan Marsh, who shook his head and told him he was a fucking idiot. Kenny heard Kyle and Butters from behind Stan but couldn't understand what they were saying; he wasn't sure if he wanted to. Everything was white noise and fuzzy and his ears rang and he wanted everything to slow down. His brain was swimming and he felt like he was falling.

The next thing he remembered, he was sitting on Stan's bed; the raven-haired boy was searching through his dressers, Kyle had an arm around him, and Butters was holding his hand.

"My mom called the hospital, they're gonna call here to let you know... what happened?" Stan asked, throwing him a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. Kenny shook his head slowly as his mind made sense of the vowels and consonants that spewed from his friend's mouth; he didn't want to impose.

"Mom and Karen were... there was an accident. I found Karen and... there was so much blood, I..." Kenny looked down at himself; there was blood on his hands and his hoodie. Karen's blood. His blood. He was coated in it.

Kenny dove for the trash can at Stan's bedside and wretched painfully; there was only bile in his stomach and it burned his esophagus as he heaved worthlessly. He felt a hand on his back rubbing the muscles as they clenched in his back and stomach. Another hand brushed his long, bloody, sweaty blonde hair from his face and he spit the remnants of the acrid vomit into the trash can.

Kenny turned to find Butters with his hand still on his back and puffy eyes. At that moment, Kenny just wanted to cry in his shoulder and hope the smaller boy would hug him and not let go until he stopped weeping; yet he had to be strong. He didn't cry.

"Where was the accident?" Kyle asked as he pricked his finger to check his blood sugar levels.

"I was coming home... from work... I saw the lights..." he trailed off distantly, replaying the scene over and over in his mind. There was no way things could have turned out differently. He didn't see a way things would turn any better.

"Ken, you're burning up," Butters said as the smaller blonde felt his forehead. Kenny shook his head and pulled away from Butters. "And your ear... what happened to your ear?"

"How are your mom and sister?" Kenny looked at Stan, took a deep breath, and sighed heavily.

"Guys, he's in shock..." Kyle warned, as he sent a sympathetic look to Kenny. His eyes looked like nothing more than pity. Pity he didn't deserve.

"Both unconscious... and I couldn't get to mom..." he couldn't feel his mouth move yet his shaking began to subside.

"Don't worry, dude, I'm sure they're gonna be okay. The fact you found them means a lot. And taking Karen home... that's like... amazing." Kyle assured him, yet his words fell on deaf ears; Kenny wasn't going to take any praise, especially if his mom and sister were fighting for their lives because he couldn't do more. "Hey Stan, can I get some juice?" Kyle asked timidly, "I'm running kinda low." He gestured to the glucose meter on his bed.

"And we can get ya cleaned up... or you can, I mean... and take your temperature." Kenny shrugged, shook his head, and looked out Stan's window.

"I need to be there..." he trailed off in a whisper. Stan and Kyle gave Kenny and Butters a sympathetic look before walking out of the room. Butters took Kenny's hand and squeezed tightly. The taller blonde looked back at his friend, blue met blue, and Butter's smile seemed to relax him slightly.

"I know... how about... you let me help and I'll talk to Stan about taking you?" Butters asked, "I know you're worried sick, but you are sick... I was worried about you today and you're on fire."

"Fine, if I can go to the hospital, then you can help," Kenny murmured and let Butters practically carry him to the bathroom. Butters locked the door and set the pair of sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt on the toilet seat and turned around.

"N-now, take off your clothes and shower and I-I'll get the First Aid s-stuff... you sure your ear is okay?"

Truthfully, Kenny doubted it was but he figured he could deal with it until he died and rose again. He stripped off his hoodie and set it on the floor along with his frayed jeans and grey, too small boxers. Kenny picked up the pile, and tapped Butters on the shoulder. The 5'6" blonde turned and took the clothes, then realized Kenny was naked right in front of him and flushed a deep red.

"Thanks, Lee," Kenny mumbled distantly and leaned on the wall as he turned on the water. He turned it on as hot as he could stand it, he hardly ever got to shower in hot water, let alone warm water, and pulled up the shower plug. Butters shook his head however.

"You're not gonna break your fever in that," Butters told him, trying his hardest to avoid looking at and touching him as he turned the dial to make the water colder. "And don't get water in your ear," Kenny couldn't help but smile a little at Butters as he stepped into the shower.

By the time he washed his hair and body he was wracked with tremors in the chilling water. Goosebumps had covered his body and his skin was stiff as he turned off the water. He pulled open the curtain and slowly stepped out of the shower, fighting off dizziness, and grabbed a towel from the rack.

Butters was setting out the last of the medicine and bandages and turned to Kenny.

"Your ribcage is swollen," he murmured, Kenny shrugged; it was probably broken. "K-Kyle had some Tamiflu to stop the puking and I have some Ibuprofen for the fever, swelling, and pain. Y-you look a little better." Butters chirruped as happily as he could, and Kenny just blinked dismally at him. "D-don't give me that look."

"What look?"

"Like you're gonna cry, 'cause I-I'll cry... and I've already c-cried too much."

"I can't lose her, Lee... I'm supposed to protect her. I'm supposed to... I can't... I..." Kenny trailed off and covered his face with his hands. He sniffled and squeezed his eyes shut; he wouldn't cry. He couldn't.

He felt a pair of arms wrap around him tightly yet loose enough that his body wouldn't scream in pain. Kenny rested his head on Butters' shoulder and took deep breaths to regain composure. He felt Butters' run his hands through his drenched hair and his bare back and the fourteen year old boy couldn't help but let a few tears slip through.

"Karen is s-strong, Kenny. You saved her life, you always save her. She looks up to you like you're God and... and she's gonna be fine. I promise." Butters told him, and Kenny actually believed him. As he pulled away from his shorter friend, Kenny swore he could kiss him; the thought did cross his mind. Yet he looked away and slowly pulled his legs into the baggy sweatpants. He let Butters bandage the cuts on his stomach and sides and took the medicine he offered; he just hoped he wouldn't throw it up. "I talked to Stan, he said that he'd be willing to take you... but you can't sit next to your dad." Kenny shook his head and squeezed Butters in a hug.

"Thank you, thank you so fucking much..." Kenny trailed off and didn't let go when Butters thought he would. "I love you," he told the short blonde, who blushed darkly and hugged Kenny slightly once more before letting go.

"I l-love you too, Ken."

Kenny's knee wouldn't stop bouncing during the entire ride from Stan's house to Hell's Pass. Butters was texting someone, and Kyle was texting someone, and Stan was silent as he focused on the purpose of getting to the hospital. Because of the heavy snow falling, the ten minute travel took nearly a half an hour. Kenny tried to force down his impatience and the urge to puke as he stared out the dark window.

As soon as they parked, Kenny zipped out of the car in a flash and was passed the emergency room doors before the other three were even completely out of the car. Kyle stared after him in mild shock and Stan shook his head.

"And that's why he's varsity wide receiver..." he trailed off, put his arm around Kyle, and led the way to the emergency room doors.

"Do you think... do you think they know about his mom?" Kyle asked nervously as they walked up the stairs to the automatic doors. Stan sighed heavily and shrugged his shoulders.

"Depends on her condition, I think..." Stan replied and looked back at Butters who was strangely quiet. "Are you okay?" Butters nodded and smiled softly at the two.

"I'm just worried... and... hamburgers..." he trailed off, blushing darkly. Kyle raised an eyebrow and turned to Butters.

"What happened between you two while we were gone?" Stan looked at Kyle and Butters in confusion. They should be in there with Kenny now except the two decided to have a little gossip session about Kenny and Butters. Wait...

"He... said something." Kyle grinned and Stan's eyes scanned the two skeptically. "And he was naked."

"Well yeah, he was in the shower," Stan replied, rolling his eyes. Kyle gave him a blank look and sighed heavily before turning his head.

"What'd he say?" Kyle asked, stopping at the front doors.

"Have one of you ever told the other that you loved them?" Butters asked, Kyle thought about this.

"Once I think." Kyle answered, glancing sidelong at Stan who was now oddly quiet. "He said that to you?" Butters nodded and Kyle smirked. The blonde boy rolled his eyes and pushed passed Stan and Kyle into the emergency room waiting room.

The laughter in his eyes and throat died as he saw the doctor with a somber expression talking to Kenny. Kenny looked as if he had been slapped in the face and gutted like a fish as the doctor consoled him.

"I'm sorry, we did all we could."

Stan and Kyle halted on the spot and their faces drained of color upon hearing the words. The doctor walked away from Kenny, who began to curl and uncurl his fists and stood stock still. Butters ran up to his stoic best friend and felt his heart break as he crumpled to the floor like a sky scraper being torn down to the ground.

An agonizing wail filled the waiting room, much like an animal giving up the good fight after being shot and hunted. Kenny's face pressed up against the cold, sterile floor and violent sobs wracked his fragile body as he cried pitifully in grief.

Never before that the three boys heard something so heartbreaking.

Kenny curled in upon himself and couldn't stop the tears or the screams or the shaking. He was lost, in limbo, his breath was ragged, and his life was torn apart right before his very eyes. He could have done something, he could have saved her, them... it was his fault he didn't try harder.

"Ken...?" Butters whispered, placing a hand on his shoulder. Kenny shook his head and the younger boy swore he could hear him whispering, "no," over and over and over until it made Butters' head swirl and his stomach churn with nausea. Against his better judgment, Butters used all of his strength to pick up Kenny and managed to rest the older boy's head on his shoulder.

He was hot, burning up, and his face was soaked with tears. His mournful wails had quieted to somber gasps as he tried his hardest to breathe; yet it was wasted. Butters pulled back the long side bangs from his forehead and rocked back and forth slowly, comfortingly. Stan and Kyle sat next to them in silence, unsure of what to say or do. Kyle wiped at his eyes and Stan took the pale redhead's hand in his own.

"What... what did the doctor say?" Butters asked gently. Kenny looked up from his shoulder and blinked with icy blue eyes against the flaming bloodshot red in the whites of his eyes.

"My mom..." Kenny whispered in a sob as large tears fell from his eyes and streaked down his blotched cheeks, "I saw my mom dead..." he gasped, shaking in Butters' arms, "and Karen won't wake up..." Kyle and Stan both placed an arm sympathetically on his shoulder and squeezed tightly. "It's my fault... I'm so sorry..."

Tears fell from Butters' eyes as he held his best friend. Because he was sure of the thoughts running through his head; if Kenny couldn't die, he thought it should have been him. If Kenny couldn't die he knew Kenny was terrified of death... not for himself but for everyone he loved... because he'd never be able to see them again. So he held him tighter because right now he was all he had.