Author's Note: Thank you for reading. Thank you for taking the time to listen.
There is a trigger warning for this chapter as well.
Chapter Twenty-Four: Cross-Fade
Raped.
Butters stared in the mirror in the dark and blinked. His blue eyes seemed to glow back at him as he touched his face. He felt swollen from crying. His heart and soul were raw. His lungs ached with every breath and he tilted his head to the ceiling as his eyes prickled. He couldn't cry, he had run dry and now everything just hurt. Everything was raw and real and his throat felt blistered from his screams, his body was raw from the beatings, and he choked on air as he tried to breathe.
Kenny had been raped.
His shoulders wracked with sobs as he knelt down on the floor. The food in his stomach made him nauseous. Everything was wrong. Everything got fucked up because he couldn't defend himself. Kenny deserved better. He hadn't meant to hurt him, push him to an all-time low and try to numb the pain he had caused him. He hurt him; he always hurt him. Kenny didn't deserve the hell he was put through... because of him, because of anyone.
Butters closed his eyes and sighed.
He opened his mouth and lowered his head into the toilet bowl. His fingers felt like snakes as he slid them in his mouth, passed his tongue, and down his throat. He gagged and pushed farther. Maybe if he lost weight he'd get a couple of months off of his grounding. His dad said he had breasts. His dad said he had curve. He was too soft. Too girly. He lurched forward as he jammed them as far as he could possibly reach, gouging for that relief and salvation that he was finally good enough.
But he liked feeling girly. He liked feeling soft.
He silently retched into the toilet bowl. The acrid taste was relief. He could purge his body of everything wrong. He could purge his body of this horrible nagging feeling that wouldn't go away. He was wrong. He just wanted to feel normal. To feel right. To be everything he wanted to be. But under the reign of his psychotic parents he would end up miserable. He couldn't keep living a lie, he couldn't keep hurting the people he loved the most.
He would end up like his father. He would hurt his kid too.
Butters shoved his fingers farther down his throat and let out a strained sob.
To get rid of the pain. To get rid of the hurt. To get rid of the worry.
He just wanted to be happy.
Puking would make his dad happy. But food mad him happy.
Being with a girl would make his dad happy.
He just wanted Kenny.
But Kenny was ruined.
Raped.
Because of him.
Just like him.
Oh God, how that thought made him shiver to the bone. His stomach clenched and he shuddered as dry sobs wracked his shoulders. He could feel the fingers and the hand and the tongue and the fear. The paralyzing thought and worry that it would never end, the anxiety of waiting, the false hope... it was endless. He didn't want to know what happened to Kenny. He didn't want Kenny to know what that was like. To be stripped of everything and laid out, vulnerable, waiting for the touches and the bites and the thrusts to end. He didn't want Kenny to experience something like that, or to feel ruined and wrong. But he had to know.
He would find out.
This time, he threw up without his fingers.