Author's Note: I wanted to post this and make an announcement. I apologize to my readers but I am going on hiatus until further notice. It could be anywhere from two weeks to over two months, I don't know. One of my best friends passed away yesterday and I am having surgery next week to remove a pituitary adenoma. So for multiple reasons I am stepping back. I may have someone update for me, but for now there will be no updates until my return.

I am sorry and I promise, from the bottom of my heart I will not abandon this story. I have met some amazing people and all of you have made me feel so welcome and given me so much support, even by simply reading this story and giving me a chance. So I will not discontinue this story, my personal life has just gone to the bottom of this roller coaster ride I'm on. But it will pick back up.

I made an announcement on Tumblr but for those who either don't have Tumblr or don't follow me/don't know my url I wanted to inform you rather than just leave you in the dark. I'm unsure if I will keep updates on Tumblr, but like I've always said my inbox is always open. I don't want to push anyone away; I can't do that. So like I've always said, if you need to talk to someone, or want to, just ramble away in my inbox. That's what it's there for.

This is for you, Danny. Rest easy, my dear one. You know what to tell Jamie, Caleb, Zach, Terra, and Alex. I love you and miss you so incredibly much already. It feels like a dream and I just want to wake up. But I am awake. It will be okay though. Shine on, my lucky stars.

And with that, here is the latest chapter and last chapter for awhile. Thank you so much for your continued reading and support; I promise I'll update again. I just need some time.

Love,
Ren

Chapter Title from "The Taste of Ink" by The Used

Chapter Thirty-One: Here I Am, Alive at Last

Kyle's eyes fluttered open as he felt a kick to his leg. He remained still as he felt Kenny writhe around in his sleep. Quiet whimpers and mumbles were heard and the redhead sighed heavily as he blinked the sleep from his eyes.

"N-no..." Kenny said in his sleep, as his body trembled. Kyle sat up slightly and yawned quietly. He could feel him trembling to his very core and Kyle knew exactly where this was headed. "D-d-don't..."

He believed Kenny when he said he was fine. It was clear that he was coping well and was gradually becoming more comfortable and, in his own way, moving on from what happened. But there were moments like this where Kyle knew he was holding back. And part of him believed he was putting on an act to prove to everyone he was fine even though he wasn't. Part of him felt Kenny just didn't want to appear weak.

Seeing Kenny like this made Kyle cry sometimes. He'd thrash, scream, and cry in his sleep and a couple of times he even scratched at himself until he bled. Kyle saw the marks on his arms, Stan and Butters did too; they just never said anything. They didn't want Kenny to become defensive.

The way he coped was joking and forgetting it ever happened. Kyle knew that was the wrong way to do it, as it was a form of denial, but he knew Kenny would come to terms in his own time. The process to get there was painful, however. He had talked to Kenny about what happened and after talking to his parents they told him Kenny was probably dealing with some kind of amnesia to block it out of his memory; he didn't remember. Or at least he said he didn't. By watching him in the middle of the night and coaxing him down from his nightmares Kyle knew he at least subconsciously remembered.

His phone vibrated and Kyle scrolled to the message.

From: Stan
Sent: 3:33 AM

sorry if I woke you. love you going back to sleep.

To: Stan

Sent: 3:33 AM

Kenny's having nightmares again, that's what woke me. It's getting worse and I don't know what to do.

Kenny jerked and twitched as his arms covered his face. He heard him whimper and watched as he turned his face into the pillow. Kyle's hand hovered over him and he fought against himself whether or not to touch him. He did, however, and Kenny screamed into pillow, thankfully, and his shoulders wracked with sobs.

"Stop, stop, please...?" Kyle heard his muffled voice whine as he curled in upon himself. Kyle bit his lip and ran his hand gently over Kenny's back.

"Wake up," Kyle said, patting his back as he cried out woefully. "Kenny, wake up."

Kyle's phone vibrated again and he quickly opened the text.

From: Stan

Sent: 3:35 PM

shit uh try waking him? Maybe get karen if you have to. we can talk to butters tomorrow about it.

Kyle shook his head although Stan couldn't see it. The last time he had gotten Karen she didn't sleep for two days to make sure Kenny was okay at night. He didn't want her worrying; she already had a lot on her plate and she didn't deserve to have to deal with her brother's nightmares. Kyle was fine helping him on his own.

Sometimes Kenny would calm down by himself, but other times Kyle would have to force him awake. When he did that, Kenny was back to normal, asking "what the fuck, dude?" and went back to sleep. Kyle always apologized and stayed up the rest of the night to watch over Kenny. Sometimes he'd end up falling back asleep, it depended on how tired he was.

"Don't touch me," Kenny moaned, turning so his face was showing. Tears soaked his cheeks and his lip was bleeding from biting down on his piercings. "M-m-make it stop..."

Kyle sniffled and shook Kenny's shoulder. He whimpered and shook his head violently, as he drew his knees to his chest and hugged himself. He started kicking and thrashing about again as he clawed at the bed. At least it wasn't himself.

"Kenny!" Kyle said in a normal vocal range, in his ear, "wake up!"

He felt Kenny's body seize and his eyes widened in horror as glazed blue eyes stared at him with utter terror in them. Kyle fell off the bed and covered his mouth as his own shoulders shook with sobs. He was still asleep.

"God damn him..." Kyle whimpered, wiping his eyes as he composed himself. It was like seeing some creepy face in a horror movie, except it was Kenny and he was the one who was reliving the horror.

His eyes were still open yet unblinking and unfocused. They stared, almost as if he were dead, up at something only he could see and his body seemed to convulse as he dug his nails into his arms and sobbed.

Kyle's nerves were on overdrive from being scared and he wasn't sure if he wanted to touch Kenny like this. He already felt like Kenny was being possessed by some demon or something and he didn't want him to punch him or anything.

Kyle sat on the bed once more and finally shook Kenny's shoulder again. He batted at Kyle and started kicking and moaning. His warm hand touched Kenny's cold cheek and gently patted the skin. He looked anywhere but at Kenny's eyes. He hated how they looked.

The redhead heard quiet sobbing and slowly pulled away from Kenny. He saw his eyes were closed and he had put a hand on Kyle's hand as he rested his head on the pillow.

"Kenny?" Kyle asked, touching his shoulder. He felt him flinch and his legs curled up once more. "Kenny, are you awake?" he saw Kenny nod and couldn't help but wrap his arms around him as he silently cried. They remained like that for a considerable amount of time. Kyle murmured reassuring words to Kenny who wept as if he hadn't in years.

"I can't, Ky, I can't deal with this..." Kenny whimpered finally, looking up at him with the saddest blue eyes Kyle had ever seen. He pushed on his shoulder to sit him up and Kenny did, then wrapped his arms around himself and lowered his head. Kyle put an arm around his shoulder and rubbed his hand back and forth soothingly. "I'm afraid to sleep because all I see is them. All I can feel is pain and like I'm being ripped apart from the inside out. I just feel wrong. I want it to stop. Ky, make it stop..."

"How can I? What can I do?" Kyle asked as he ran a hand through Kenny's golden hair. "Kenny, you're the strongest person I know. You're doing great, you just have to realize that you can talk to us if you need to. No one can go through this alone. No one should want to." Kenny shook his head and rested his head on Kyle's shoulder.

"You don't understand... I just feel so wrong. Everything is off. Everything has been off."

"Like what?" Kyle asked, Kenny laughed through his tears and grabbed Kyle's hand.

"When... when it happened, when they started, at first I didn't mind. I figured that's all I'd be good for anyway and so I didn't really fight back. I mean, I didn't enjoy it, either but... then it got bad and all it was was hurt and blood and who could fuck me up the most. But... I was the one who fucked me up the most."

"Why?" Kyle asked, Kenny wiped his eyes and his shoulders shook again. Kyle hugged him tighter and felt him flinch.

"Because I ended up coming anyway. Even though it hurt. And... now... now I don't even... Lee doesn't deserve that. I'm just so fucked up."

Kyle remained silent yet held Kenny as he started crying once more. He rested his head on Kenny's and sighed softly.

"You do realize it wasn't your fault, right? I mean, you know how that works. It's that way for everyone. So you can't hold that against you." This conversation would be extremely awkward between anyone else. But Kenny and Kyle were different. They could talk about this kind of stuff without even batting an eye.

"But now I can't even..." he trailed off, Kyle shrugged; he didn't have to finish his sentence for him to understand.

"It hasn't even been two months, obviously you're dealing with a lot of suppressed emotions. Kenny, this isn't the first time you've had nightmares. This has happened at least four times a week since it happened." Kenny whimpered and curled up against Kyle. "This is why you need to talk to someone. If you don't mind me asking... what exactly do you and Butters do if you don't..." Kenny sighed and shrugged his shoulders.

"We uh... we don't do much. I can't, I don't want to and it's like... what's the point in dating if I can't do anything like that? Or don't want to?" Kenny sighed, "I just want to feel normal, feel like me... and you guys don't deserve to deal with this, and I know Butters-"

"It's not your fault, you seem convinced all of this is your doing. " Kenny shrugged his shoulders and sniffled before sneezing. "I don't know how to relate to what you're feeling, but considering everything I think you're feeling normal. But you have to... you just have to open up." Kenny nodded and held onto Kyle like a young child who was scared of the dark. Perhaps Kenny was. "But we should probably sleep, okay?" Kenny nodded, "besides, tomorrow is our last day, so... we can talk more after school?" Kenny nodded again and laid down on his side, facing Kyle. Kyle settled next to him, on his back, and felt Kenny's eyes on him after he closed his eyes.

Minutes had passed and silence filled the room but Kyle still felt like he was being watched. He opened one eye and looked over to Kenny who looked nervously at Kyle. Kenny was biting at his fingers. Kyle took his hand away and set it on the bed, causing the blonde to bite his lip instead. He watched the right stud in his lip disappear between his teeth. The redhead knew these habits were fully based on insecurity and anxiety that Kenny seemed to never have dealt with before.

"Ky?" Kenny asked quietly, sounding like a little kid again. He turned to him and stretched his legs a little. "C-can you... hold me?" Kyle nodded and outstretched his arm. He wrapped it around Kenny, who had instantly fit against his body and rested his head on his shoulder. The blonde sniffled again and coughed softly; Kyle grimaced when realizing he was probably coming down with yet another cold. "I'm sorry," was the final thing Kenny whispered before drifting off in a quiet sleep.

Kyle felt tears sting his eyes as he nodded.

"Me too."

By the time Kyle had woken up Kenny was already dressed and ready for school. He looked paler than usual and was staring out the window into the dark sky. The sun was slowly creeping up and Kyle yawned as he looked to his clock. He groaned in annoyance; it was 6:13 in the morning. School wasn't for another hour and a half.

But Kenny looked miserable as he stared in silence out the window with his knees tucked to his chest. Kyle sat up and tapped his back with his big toe. Kenny jerked from his morose reverie and slowly turned his head around in a nearly impossible way to face Kyle. Once again, it reminded him of demonic possession.

"Why are you awake?" Kenny shrugged his shoulders and popped his neck in that unnatural position, causing Kyle to shudder.

"Couldn't sleep. I watched Stan's morning jog and then the paper delivery. No one's awake yet." Kyle scoffed and nodded.

"That's because it's 6:15, dude. You've been awake since 5:30?" Kenny shook his head and Kyle suddenly felt a realization sink in. "How long?" he wasn't sure if he wanted to know.

"I dunno, since we talked. I couldn't sleep."

"So you just sat here?" Kenny shook his head.

"I went for a walk at 4:00." Kyle hit his face with his hand and shook his head.

"Kenny, you should have woken me..." he shook his head and sighed softly as he stared out the window again.

"Did you know from this window you can stare right into Stan's room?" Kenny asked, Kyle looked at him blankly and Kenny gave a ghost of a smile, "oh, right..." he smirked and made a face before coughing harshly into his sleeve. "I was also dealing with that." Kyle sighed heavily and beckoned him forward. Kenny scooted closer to him and Kyle felt his forehead. It was warmer than usual but not too high.

"Wanna take your temperature?" Kenny shook his head.

"I'll be fine, it's just a-" he trailed off, coughing once again into his sleeve and moaned quietly. "-cold," he finished grimly. He cleared his throat and yawned.

"I can talk to my mom, maybe you can stay home." Kenny shook his head vigorously. "Why not?"

"I don't want to be alone right now. I don't want to sleep." The way he sounded made Kyle's heart nearly break and he joined Kenny in staring out the window. Stan's light turned on after awhile and he saw his silhouette moving; Stan was looking for his clothes.

"Well, it's just a half day, too..." Kenny nodded and slumped against Kyle. "Wanna make breakfast?" Kenny shook his head.

"Not hungry," Kyle grimaced at his mumble and stood up. Kenny went through these cycles, just like his mood. Some days he's be extremely happy and hyper, others he would be edgy and irritable, and sometimes he would be like this; sad. And depending on his mood is the amount of food he'd eat. He had seen him go without eating for three days one week and the next eat six meals a day. He was a rollercoaster but he supposed that was to be expected.

"C'mon, we can make pancakes. Or French toast." Kenny had refused to eat pop tarts and frozen waffles after moving to Kyle's, which was good because his mother rarely bought them.

"Kyle, I'm really not hungry..." The redhead sighed and pulled at Kenny's shoulder a little, "stop." He barked a little roughly, much to the shock of Kyle. He looked apologetic after he snapped and even stood up and followed Kyle to the kitchen.

Kyle decided to make an omelet and as he flipped the egg in thirds, he glanced to Kenny who looked rather nauseous. He rested his head in his hands and looked grey.

"You okay?" Kenny nodded and sat at the table as he watched Kyle. "You want one?" Kenny shook his head and coughed deeply into his hand. Kyle abandoned the pan on the stove as he flipped the omelet onto a paper plate and dabbed at it with a napkin to wipe off as much grease as he could.

"I thought you were vegetarian." Kenny mumbled as Kyle took a bite of his omelet.

"I'm a lacto-ovo vegetarian. There's different kinds. An egg technically isn't an animal until it's been fertilized. And eggs we get in the store aren't fertilized, so..." Kenny nodded slowly, "I eat dairy products and eggs. That's about it."

"Do you miss eating meat?" Kenny asked thoughtfully. Kyle shrugged.

"Sometimes one of Stan's cheeseburgers looks good but... I don't do it for moral reasons, PETA annoys the fuck outta me. But dietary reasons because it helps to produce more blood sugar, so..."

"Oh," Kenny mumbled, biting his fingernails as he bounced his knee restlessly. Kyle watched this and stood up from the table to get something to drink.

"Are you at least thirsty?" Kyle asked as he poured some orange juice for himself. Kenny shrugged so he poured him a glass and handed it to him. "What's going through your head?" Kyle asked, popping a sauteed mushroom in his mouth that fell from his omelet.

"You know how you get an A on your report card and you're so close to an A-plus it almost hurts?" Kenny asked, Kyle nodded; he knew that feeling all too well. "Kinda like that."

"Why?" Kyle didn't get it. Kenny shrugged his shoulders and took a sip from the glass; Kyle saw his hands were shaking.

"Because I've always been so close to being normal, like you and Stan, but there's always been shit that keeps me away from that. I just want to be normal for once. And here and now is the closest I've ever felt to being normal, but I'm not and I never will be. I just don't know how I can get over it."

"Dude, being normal is fucking stupid. There's nothing wrong with you, you're just different and there's nothing bad about that. We're all a little different-" Kenny scoffed, "some more so than others." He added with a smile, "but you gotta know everything is going to be okay." Kyle sighed and snapped his fingers to get Kenny's attention. "You're normal because you're not normal."

Kenny pulled out a small prescription bottle from his pocket and Kyle furrowed his eyebrows. "Wha...?"

"Ms. C wants me to take these. She thinks I developed OCD or something and says it'll help my anxiety and mood swings. So she had me talk to a doctor."

Kyle examined the bottle and raised his eyebrows.

"Zoloft?" he shrugged his shoulders and nodded.

"I dunno if I should." Kenny mumbled, "I just don't..."

"Stan takes an anti-depressant, too." Kyle admitted, "don't tell him I told you. He's been on it since he was thirteen. I even took a small dose of one last year, I was stressed and... really sad. I don't know why, but..." Kenny smiled sadly. Last year he hadn't been here; at least a part of him remembered. "So, if you think it'll help then take it." Kenny opened the bottle and held a pill in his hand before he popped it in his mouth and swallowed it dry.

Ike and Karen woke up soon after; they hurried to eat breakfast and get dressed they left for school. Kenny's cough was getting progressively worse and Kyle felt his forehead after second hour; he was sure he had a fever now but Kenny told him not to worry about it. They had two hours left, not counting lunch, and he promised he'd go home and sleep.

Kenny bounced his knee at lunch as he waited for Butters to show. After awhile he stopped paying attention to his friends and sighed heavily before standing up. He heard Stan ask where he was going and he mumbled a barely intelligible response before walking out of the lunch room. He swore he could hear them talking about him as he shut the door behind him.

Butters stared in the mirror in the bathroom. He lifted his shirt and felt his stomach. He could see his ribs, not quite as bad as Kenny's, but as he felt his stomach he smiled. His chest was flat as well. He couldn't help but laugh through his tears. He had done it; he had lost the weight as his father had commanded. He was no longer curvy yet was still rather androgynous. His dad could deal with that.

He felt his face and examined his skin. It had gone dry and even with the intense lotion regime he had it was still dry and he hated it. His hair was limp and had lost its shine. His eyes were darker and dull. He didn't look the same.

He looked ugly.

No wonder Kenny couldn't... he shook his head and tears fell from his eyes. He was falling apart. All he could think about was food. It made him feel sick to his stomach. But he was so hungry. He craved it. He craved-

"Lee, are you in here?" He heard Kenny ask and he grimaced. He didn't sound good.

"Yeah!" Butters chirruped as he pulled down his shirt. Kenny walked into the bathroom and smiled weakly at Butters. "Ken, you look awful." The taller boy shrugged his shoulders and wrapped his arms around Butters in a tight hug.

"I was just wondering where you were." He felt Kenny's hands glide over his sides and he shivered. God, he missed this. He missed Kenny. Butters cupped his cheek and smiled sweetly at his boyfriend, who had that sad look in his eyes.

"Just... here." he said simply, leaning up to kiss him. Kenny met his lips halfway and ran a hand through Butters' hair. He felt tears prickle his eyes and he slowly pulled away. "Kenny, am I ugly?" he couldn't help but ask. He had to know.

This seemed to catch the dark blonde off guard as he gawked at Butters.

"Ugly?" he asked, furrowing his eyebrows, "where's that coming from?"

"I just... look at me. I look disgusting. I look like a zombie and I just feel like-" He was crying now, and Kenny shook his head as he coughed violently in his arm.

"No," he said hoarsely, "you're... I mean, look at you." he felt Kenny's hands on his bony shoulders as Kenny rested his chin on his head. "You have the most beautifully handsome face I've ever seen. You're perfect. And I know you've been losing weight but you don't have to. I mean if you're happy now then that's all I want. That's the only difference, I think. You're still Leopold to me. You're still beautifully handsome... you're still you." Butters turned to Kenny and burrowed his head in his chest, "I know you struggle... and I'm sorry that I can't exactly physically show you how attractive I think you are. But, that's my problem. Not yours."

"Kenny, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." Butters sobbed, causing Kenny to grimace. "I'm such a bad person. I... I need to tell you something." He cried against the blonde who nodded.

"Okay?" Kenny asked weakly as he ran a hand through Butters' hair in hopes to soothe him.

"I need help." He wailed, clinging to Kenny tightly as they slowly fell to the bathroom floor. They did this half the time at lunch; the others probably figured they were making out. "I..." he felt Kenny take his hand in his.

"Me too," Kenny murmured, causing Butters to look up at him. The fact that Kenny could admit he needed help too gave him the encouragement he needed. Kenny always did that.

With a deep breath and an ember of courage, Butters squeezed his hand and closed his eyes.

"I... I make myself throw up. I don't eat for days at a time. I just... all I see when I look in the mirror is too fat. Too much boob, too much girl... I've been doing this for so long. And I don't wanna be grounded anymore. I don't wanna feel ugly. I just wanna be happy and I just want to look good. I wanna be able to hang out with you guys over break and... if I keep this weight off and show my dad I've lost 25 pounds then I can. Ken, we can spend every day together." Kenny shook his head and his throat felt tight as he held him protectively.

"I know," he whispered finally; he hadn't felt it was for him to talk about or push, considering he himself couldn't find the strength to open up about anything. "I'm sorry, Lee, I should have said something..." he trailed off. He should have done something. Kenny could have at least reassured him that he looked good, but maybe he wasn't even good at that. "Don't do this anymore," Kenny whispered, hugging Butters around his stomach. "I don't want you to end up in the hospital o-or dying or something. 'Cause that's what happens. If I lose you... I can't lose you, Lee. I need you. I love you and I just want you happy." Kenny looked ready to cry too and Butters wrapped his arms around his neck as he hugged him tightly.

"I love you too, Ken..." Butters trailed off as he felt Kenny's hot skin against his. "You're burning up..." Butters felt his forehead and grimaced as a cold sweat had dampened his head. "You're sick." Kenny shook his head.

"I'm fine, just a cold. I'm gonna help you. I don't care if you wanna stay this weight. But... you're bulimic, dude. And it's deadly and..." Butters nodded as he felt Kenny kiss his cheek. "I can't lose you. Not now. Not ever." Butters nodded and sobbed bitterly against him as they sat on the bathroom floor.

They remained quiet for a few moments, taking the time to let this all sink in. What could they do? They were powerless against this town that held so much misfortune. But they had each other, and that gave them each a glimmer of hope. Somehow they could make it out, somehow things would get better. They at least had to try.

"I know... I'm gonna help you too, okay? We're gonna get through this together. Like we always do," Butters said, sniffling as Kenny nuzzled his neck. He closed his eyes as he felt his lips on his neck and he relaxed against the feeling. There was no lust behind his actions, lately his touches had been purely innocent. His lips were chaste but passionate against his, and it was more of a relaxation than a need for release. Most of all Butters felt it made them closer; it allowed them intimacy without sex. And all he wanted was closeness and love. Intimacy.

He could find it in Kenny's delicate touches. He could feel it in the way Kenny's heart hammered in his chest, hear it in his slow, even breathing. There was something more behind his kisses and gentle caresses. A need for contact, in a pure form. For once Butters realized the so-called "man-slut" of the school had no sexual bone in his body. He just wanted closeness. Wanted someone to hold him and make him feel good.

Butters' knees were bent and pressed against Kenny's sides; they rested just below his underarms. He felt Kenny's feet at the small of his back and lost himself in the gentle, loving caresses.

He squirmed as Kenny reached a ticklish spot near his throat. He threaded his fingers through Kenny's hair, however, and tilted his head back. It was passionate rather than ravenous, and it made Butters shiver and tingle in all the right ways. They remained like that, connected and kissing, hips immobile as they sought comfort and understanding.

The door opened and they barely had time to separate. Stan grinned at them and Butters' felt his flushed cheeks heat even more., even though they were doing nothing wrong he couldn't help but blush.

"Found 'em." He said, as Kyle followed in behind him. Kenny still hovered over Butters, and quickly moved away as he sneezed. Butters looked at him and he wrinkled his nose in discomfort.

"Really?" Kyle asked with a smirk as Butters righted himself. He and Kenny both stood up and quickly apologized and smiled sheepishly at the other couple. As they walked out, Kenny squeezed his hand and smiled reassuringly at Butters, who nodded. They knew they'd be okay.

The four didn't head back to lunch. Instead, they waited at their lockers and talked until the bell rang and they hurried to Stan's car. They shivered in the cold as they waited for the Ford to warm up. Eventually, Karen and Ike joined them; Butters sat on Kenny's lap in the back so there was room for the freshmen; it took all of his willpower to not continue what they had been doing with him in the bathroom; their conversation felt incomplete and their words had run out long ago.

As soon as they dropped Karen and Ike off at Kyle's they walked over to Stan's to hang out for a while. Stan's parents were hardly home anymore; they were going to a marriage counselor in Denver and usually weren't home until the later hours of the night. Stan didn't seem to mind though.

"I'm gonna go set up the entertainment center in the basement," Stan said after he took off his shoes and tossed his coat on the couch. "If you want you guys can set your shit in my room." He said, then ran downstairs. Kyle set his coat on top of Stan's and kicked off his shoes.

"Stan, do you have snacks?" He asked loud enough for the black-haired boy to hear.

"There's some, you can bring whatever you want!" He called up to Kyle, who nodded.

"I'm gonna go get us food, if you guys wanna take our bags upstairs." Butters nodded and instantly loaded his arms with their bags and coats. Kenny offered to take a couple of the bags but Butters batted at his hand.

As soon as Butters dropped the items, he was caught in a feverish kiss that made his knees buckle. He leaned against the door and slowly dropped himself so he was half-laying down. Kenny smiled and put his hand on his stomach as he sat beside him.

"Ken..." he trailed off as the darker blonde caressed his cheek and pressed their noses together. His eyes grew heavy as Kenny captured his lips in a gentle kiss. All Kenny did was nod, as if he understood what Butters had failed at saying, and wrapped his arms around him. They held each other close, only their top halves touched, and the intimacy, rather than lust, was nearly enough to make Butters' cry.

Twenty minutes had passed. Stan and Kyle had finished setting up every single console and movie collection they could possibly compile for the night. They also made sure they had plenty of snackage and food for dinner. Stan smacked Kyle's ass as they ran up the stairs and Kyle giggled quietly as he turned around.

"Save that for later, Marsh," he whispered, taking the shorter boy's larger hand in his and squeezed tightly. "Jesus, I didn't think they'd be that long..."

"Maybe they're talking." Stan suggested, "you know they've both been kind of-" he stopped himself as he heard a loud thud from upstairs and he furrowed his eyebrows. Kyle smirked at him and raised an eyebrow.

"You were saying?" he chided as he waggled his eyebrows suggestively. Neither of them could fully believe they were doing anything remotely sexual, not that they wanted to think about it. It was just too difficult for anyone to touch Kenny at all.

"I just don't want anymore stains on my new comforter. Jesus, I'm running out of excuses." Kyle snorted as he made a face at the thought.

"Well, we did have sex on Butters' bed, it would be payback." Stan turned around to shoot him a glare.

They heard Kenny mumble something and Butters laugh, or moan, they weren't quite sure.

Kyle shuddered and Stan laughed to himself as they walked into the kitchen. He opened the fridge and grabbed a bottle of Sprite. He then opened his dad's alcohol cabinet and took a bottle of Jack Daniels from the back. Kyle sighed heavily yet said nothing as Stan mixed the two drinks in a glass.

"Want one?" He asked, then grimaced when seeing Kyle's disdainful look, "don't... I'm just having one." Kyle sighed heavily and shook his head as he put away the alcohol. He did grab a Mike's Hard Lemonade from the fridge, however, and glared at Stan as he drank from the bottle. "I'm fine."

"I think you drink too much." Stan sighed heavily and swirled the drink before taking another sip. "But I know I can't stop you." Stan shook his head and set down the glass. Silence fell over them and they could faintly hear Kenny and Butters talking and giggling. "You think they'll want one?"

"Nah..." Kyle trailed off, "Kenny must be really good to make Butters sound like that." Stan gave his boyfriend a look. "What? Butters is quiet!" He blushed a little and leaned into Stan's touch as he caressed his cheek.

"I make you do the same, lover." Kyle grinned and looped his arms over his neck as he kissed him tenderly. "Kenny seems better than earlier."

Kyle shrugged and quickly poured his drink into a colored cup as Kenny and Butters began to walk down the stairs.

"We'll talk later. We've got chiding to do." Kyle murmured as Kenny halted in the doorway. He looked around and then peered in the kitchen. He shrank back at the smug smiles on Stan and Kyle's faces and Butters hid a blush against Kenny's shoulder as they entered the kitchen.

"We put everything on your bed, if that's okay." Kenny said, coughing roughly into his sleeve. Stan nodded and continued to grin at him. "What." He didn't quite question as he caught Stan's gaze.

"I figured it'd be a pretty easy task for you. What's the holdup?"

"Well, we set everything down but then we heard a noise in the closet when we entered Narnia. And then we were taken on a journey from Narnia to Wonderland where The Mad Hatter took us to a police box where we traveled through all time and space, graduated at Hogwarts then went to the moon and finally ended up in your closet again. So we're a little late, timey wimey, wibbly wobbly."

Kenny gawked at Butters who sounded so nonchalant. Kyle burst out laughing and Stan grinned at Butters' proud expression.

"Uh... what he said." Kenny murmured, then coughed once more into his sleeve. Kyle and Stan gave each other a look, one that made Kenny narrow his eyes, but said nothing. Butters looped his arm around the taller blonde's and rested his head on his shoulder.

"Let me put it this way. Are there any stains on my bed, carpet, or ceiling?" Stan asked, Kenny shook his head and smirked a little

"All bodily fluids are where they belong, sir."

"And where is that?" Kyle couldn't help but ask, although he probably knew the answer.

"In the body." Stan facepalmed and Kyle shook his head as Butters giggled and Kenny smirked. They could take that how ever they wanted; he didn't care. He was just tired of everyone walking on eggshells around him; apparently he would be the one to prove to them he was just fine. Everything needed to go back to normal, and although they hadn't gone any farther than kissing, Butters went right along with what he had implied.

The four headed down to the basement and rested against the foot of the couch. For some reason they never actually sat on the couch, Butters curled up under Kenny's arm and let his fingers dance over Kenny's stomach. The bright blonde turned to Stan and Kyle and laughed as they started throwing chips at each other. He then decided to look up at Kenny, who had his eyes closed; he obviously wasn't paying attention to the movie. He seemed to be in his own little world.

"Hey." Butters murmured, poking his shoulder. Kenny looked down at him and smiled as Butters kissed him tenderly. "You okay?" He hugged Kenny and kissed his forehead. The dark blonde shrugged and rested his hand on the couch. Butters kept his disappointment to himself; he was hoping for something a little more.

"I...I'm sorry." Kenny whispered, tilting his head back. Butters took this moment to nip at his neck the way Kenny liked. He felt his throat vibrate as he laughed and squirmed a little. "I know I'm not being fair to you... I just-" Butters shook his head.

"Don't be sorry," Butters murmured, "You were just raped-"

"A month ago." The seventeen year old scoffed and gave him a look. "I should be-"

"It doesn't work like that and you know it. How you feel is so important to me. Forget about me and what I want, I just want you to feel okay, to trust me. I mean... you do trust me, right?" Butters knew it was a ridiculous question yet Kenny nodded nonetheless. "So you do know I wouldn't hurt you."

"Unless I wanted you to," Kenny teased as he winked.

"Touche," Butters murmured against his skin. He heard Kenny's breath hitch and Butters couldn't help but slide his hand under Kenny's shirt. His stomach was warm and he felt his muscles twitch in response to his caresses. His fingers ran over several scars and swollen skin, and rested on his hip bone. His fingers grazed over the studs that pierced his hip right before Kenny's hand rested on top of his and pulled it back up,

The look in his eyes told him he was scared; Butters tapped his thumb on his side three times. "I'm sorry," Kenny shook his head and closed his eyes, this time in shame.

Butters cupped his cheek and turned his head to face him. His eyes stared right into the opposite blue and he pressed their foreheads together.

"You're not comfortable, that's okay, I didn't mean to imply anything... promise. I just want you to know you're safe." Kenny nodded as he squeezed Butters' hand.

Their lips brushed against each others' like they had earlier. Butters carefully placed his free hand on Kenny's cheek and stroked the skin with his thumb as they lazily kissed each other, taking in even the slightest movements. The bright blonde felt confused as his finger slid more than brushed, and his heart sank as he realized why. Kenny's lashes were wet as tears fell from his eyes, down his cheeks, to be swiped away by the pad of Butters' thumb.

His breathing was hitched as he concentrated only on moving his lips and how wrong he felt. If things were different, if nothing had happened, Kenny knew they would be trying to see how far they could go without getting caught by Stan and Kyle. If things were different they probably would be somewhere else... he wasn't quite sure where.

But things weren't and now Kenny found himself begging for understanding as he fervently kissed Butters. The older boy understood his need and held him tight and wiped away the tears he couldn't keep from falling. He couldn't cry; he couldn't let them know he was weak. And he wept too and felt Kenny's fingers brush away the drops; he needed his own understanding. He needed his silenced voice heard.

A quiet noise came from Kenny's throat, one that went unnoticed by Kyle and Stan because of the surround sound and the fact they were distracted by making commentary and wrestling each other. But Butters heard the quiet catch in Kenny's throat and he threaded his hands through his messy hair. He tried to hold him as close as he could without scaring Kenny. There was nothing else he could do; Kenny just had to trust him.

Kenny's mouth moved down to his jaw and pressed tender kisses along the line, down to his neck. Butters let his mind forget where they were and everything else that seemed important. He laced his fingers with Kenny's and kept his free hand on the couch as he tilted his head back. Butters couldn't ignore the occasional drop he felt on his neck or shoulder and for every shaky breath he would squeeze Kenny's hand tighter.

He needed to do this, for some reason.

Butters kissed Kenny's shoulder and reached up to stroke a loving hand through his hair. He just wanted him to know he was safe. That he was okay, at least for awhile.

They weren't even aware of what movie they were watching. Stan and Kyle had picked "Pacific Rim" and seemed totally engrossed in it as they cuddled and whispered back and forth to each other.

A soft sob broke from Kenny's voice. The other couple quickly turned to them and paused the movie. As the dark blonde rested his head on his chest, Butters couldn't help but wonder if the shaking in his shoulders was from crying or laughing; was it both?

"Kenny..." Butters whimpered, hugging him tightly. Stan and Kyle looked at them curiously and looked away as they heard Kenny sob on his shoulder. "It's okay, you're okay... we're okay." To his surprise Kenny nodded and held Butters just as tightly.

"I trust you," Kenny whispered, smiling through his tears as he kissed Butters. The smaller boy laughed and Kenny joined him as he cuddled against his boyfriend. The red-head looked to Stan with worry in his eyes, but the black haired boy shrugged his shoulders and nudged his boyfriend. "I trust you..."

"Are you two okay...?" Kyle finally asked as their hysterical laughing continued into the seven minute mark. Kenny quieted slightly yet still grinned as he coughed in his arm. Butters nodded furiously and beamed at the redhead as he poked Kenny's side. He jerked and let out an awkward yelp-squeal as his legs flailed to move away from Butters, who took this opportunity to tickle him.

Stan snickered as he watched the struggle and shook his head. He was happy though, and he was glad to see Kenny seemed almost normal, but as he thought about it the blonde was never pegged as "normal." Kyle watched Kenny and Butters play fight; the taller struggled to avoid being tickled. They ended up on the floor, Kenny landing with a loud thud on his back, and Butters paused as he heard his head smack against the rug.

"I'm sorry!" he cried, laughter fading immediately as Kenny opened his eyes. Kenny took this opportunity to turn the tables and flipped Butters under him.

"Ha!" Kenny cried, face millimeters from Butters'. Kyle was grinning at the innocence between the two and look to Stan with laughter in his eyes. Kenny poked Butters' nose and squeezed his sides, causing the smaller boy to squeak and writhe under him. "I win."

"Fine, take me, I'm your prize!" Butters cried dramatically, throwing his head back and putting the back of his hand on the forehead. Kenny laughed goofily as he leaned down.

"Mwah!" he exclaimed as he kissed Butters' nose. He smiled happily as Butters ran a hand through his hair and flashed an adoring smile up at him.

Stan and Kyle were joking around as they made kissy faces toward them and teased them. Butters just rolled his eyes in response.

The black-haired boy quickly covered his eyes and turned away as Kenny's eyes softened and widened, much like a pouting puppy and he smiled sweetly. Butters lightly smacked his check; in retaliation Kenny went to bite his fingers.

"You can't give that look!" Kyle exclaimed as Stan finally uncovered his eyes.

"Why?" Kenny pouted.

"Because it's so freaking confusing!" Butters squeaked, "I don't know whether to wrap you up in a blanket and love you or fuck you senseless!" The other three gawked at him and Kenny blinked with surprised eyes at Butters, who blushed and shrugged. "Well, it's true..." he mumbled awkwardly with a growing blush on his cheeks. He glanced to Kenny who now had a trance-like expression on his face as he stared endlessly into his eyes. He caught a distant smile on Kenny's face as he nodded. Butters clasped his hand and squeezed gently.

"I love you," Kenny finally whispered as he held Butters on his lap. Butters looped his arm over his neck and rested their heads together.

It was the little things, the little steps, that would help them; Kenny knew that. Like Butters' soothing caress on his back, or squeezing Butters' hand as he took a second helping of food with uncertain eyes and trembling shoulders. As they settled back and finished watching the movie. Kenny couldn't help but smile a little. They'd be okay. He knew it.