Author's Note: Thanks so much for reading, reviewing, and just being awesome. Yeah a few of you have expressed that you are nervous of this story because you just knoe when things are going good it's about to get ugly. And tgere are diffferent kinds of ugly, as we have seen. This story is a rollercoaster, as I have said, and last chapter was the top. So now it's time to venture downward for a moment.
Hello to France and Sweden!
Chapter title from "Empty With You" by The Used aka my favorite band.(I have Quinn Allma's guitar pick!)
Chapter Thirty-Nine: I Haven't Lost Anything Except My Mind
Finals week had killed Butters, mentally at least. When the bell rang for the last time, declaring summer, he shed a few tears of joy before he left his desk. He was so thankful to be entering summer, except he had to get a job this year and had only applied at the local grocery store, that he shook with excitement when he grabbed his packed laptop and headed to his car. He kissed Kenny goodbye, who was heading off to a double-shift at work and wouldn't be off until midnight, waved to Karen who was going to Ruby's for a freshman party, and told Kyle he'd head over after he finished his chores.
Considering the school let them out at 11:00, he'd have his chores finished by noon. That would leave him, Stan, Kyle, and whoever else joined all day to do whatever. He felt bad because Kenny had to work so much yet it was partially his fault; if he let Karen work he wouldn't be so stressed.
He put in the CD Kenny and Stan had made one night while high. They pressed record on Stan's Audacity program and just recorded themselves until they literally passed out. The two sold the CDs for $2.00 at school; most people were intrigued by the name The Appropriate Burrito. The album had been titled "Cream Face", to appease Kenny who had loved that title since he first thought of it. There were eighteen songs, some just random noises, some of them talking and playing guitar, yet there were a few gems on the CD. Butters loved all of the songs though, they made him laugh, and some made him cry because they were so emotionally raw. That's the thing about being high, he supposed, everything's kind of out in the open and the mind wasn't afraid to say what it wanted to.
Which is why his favorite song was one Stan claimed Kenny thought of on his own but Kenny claimed "bull shit." It was called "South Park" and the sincerity of the words brought tears to his eyes almost every time he heard it; most of the people who bought the CD said it was their favorite. Currently, a little red-haired birdie had taken the CD to the radio station to see if any songs could get airplay. That same birdie had taken it around to various bars and businesses to see if Kenny and Stan could play. Neither of them knew about this. Butters was working on a poster for them although he figured Kenny had already done that, and it would be so much better than what he could do, but it was the thought that counted.
"And it's these days I'll remember
When I don't know my name
It's these faces I'll look to
When I want to come home
But someday, someday...
Oh, I know that someday
You won't remember us..."
The words rang true, which is why it hurt Butters' heart so much. Because Kenny couldn't die. All of the people currently in this town would all go away, someday far too soon for him to believe. Kenny would be a stranger to the place he had always called home; he was the only one who had been born here. Even Cartman had been born in Nebraska. South Park was Kenny's blood.
Butters wiped the tears from his eyes and listened to the quiet, serene tenor voice and the quiet guitars just strumming a beautiful melody together. He sat in the car until the song finished and took a deep breath before he turned off the ignition and walked into his house.
He set down his bag and hung his coat in the closet. The bright blonde checked his phone and saw he had a text from Kyle; he'd read it once he finished cleaning. Even though the house was spotless, he still had to go over the spotless spots. He dusted off the couches and tables in the living room, made sure the blinds and ceiling fan blades didn't have any dust, like he did three times a week, and vacuumed with the wireless vacuum; his parents didn't trust him with electric appliances.
Butters set his shoes on the stairs and hung his bag on the railing; he would take it upstairs before he left. As soon as he walked away from the railing a loud bang filled his ears and he froze on the spot. Instinctively, he felt his body to see if he had been hurt somehow, and he bit his finger as he tried to calm himself. He grabbed the duster for protection, although he didn't know how good it would do, and tip-toed to the kitchen; where he had heard the bang. He heard another thud, and stiffened in fear. His hand hovered over his pocket; he should call Kenny. But Kenny was on the way to work and wouldn't want to be bothered with this; at least that's what he told himself.
Butters whimpered and slowly stepped into the kitchen.
"Fuck me... harder. Fuck that tight asshole..."
"Like that?"
"H-h-harder!"
Butters covered his mouth as he caught sight of his father, on the kitchen floor, being completely dominated by a heavy set man who Butters happened to recognize as his father's partner at work. He squeezed his eyes shut and felt fury and tears burn him; he dropped the feather duster.
"B-Butters!" His dad exclaimed. The sound of clambering was heard and Butters felt sick as he heard the squishing of body parts being removed from other body parts. His head swam and he leaned on the wall as he fought for air.
"W-w-w-wha...?" He asked feebly, body shaking as tears fell from his eyes. Pants zipped, and his father's partner ran passed him; he was a reddened mess as he slammed the door shut behind him. Butters gagged; he could smell their sex.
"Butters, it's not what you think, daddy was just-"
"Dad, d-d-d-don't give me t-t-that!" Butters shouted, fists curled as he pushed himself off the wall and towards his father, "w-w-what the h-hell are you-" Butters yelped as he felt a hand smack his face roughly. He rubbed his cheeks and couldn't help but let out a few tears.
"Language!" His father shouted, Butters couldn't help but scoff.
"That's r-real funny t-t-to hear you say when you were just askin' him to f-f-f-fuck you harder," Butters spat, his eyes glared into his father's darkly. "H-h-how dare you?"
"What did you just say?" His father bellowed, raising his fist. Butters didn't flinch, yet a sob tore through him.
"Y-you cheat on mom w-with Barry? H-how long has that been goin' on? Y-you don't want me h-happy, with whoever I love b-b-because you can't be with the g-g-gender you prefer. M-mom doesn't deserve you, y-you've completely m-m-m-messed her up... a-and me. Real bad. Y-you don't want me to t-t-turn out like you 'cause you're bi o-or bi-curious or whatever. B-b-but I don't wanna turn out like y-y-you 'cause y-you're unhappy with the p-p-person you're s'posed to love a-and you're a coward." Butters spat the last three words with as much confidence he could muster. He cried out in pain as his father's fist collided with his jaw; the force knocked him to the floor and he curled into himself as he heard his father undo his belt. "N-n-no dad... please...?" Butters whimpered on the floor; he held his hands over his face as his dad snapped his belt. He cringed at the sound.
"Not so tough now, are you?! No son of mine will be gay!" Butters covered his mouth as he jerked from the stinging belt on his back. He felt the sting four more times and squeezed his eyes shut so he wouldn't cry.
"T-t-then I'm n-n-n-no-not your son," Butters couldn't stop himself from saying. He instantly regretted it as his father pulled down his pants. He screamed as he tried to crawl away, but curse him for not taking PE classes because he was nowhere near strong enough to fight off his father. Butters bit his arm, drawing blood, as his father whipped his fleshy cheeks as hard as he could. He felt his stomach flip after a rather painful smack and he covered his mouth as he threw up. Butters gagged at the taste and tried to swallow it down yet that only caused him to throw up more. He heaved, and the vomit rushed out of his mouth and onto his shirt and skin.
"Butters, I need to go back to work." His father said calmly after the final smack. He looped his belt onto his pants once more. Butters whimpered as he lay half naked on the floor; his head rested on the clean part of the floor as he tried to compose himself. "The floor is a mess, your mother will be home soon and she will be very upset with you."
"Y-y-y-yes, sir," Butters whimpered.
"If it's not cleaned up in five minutes, you are grounded for the summer." Butters stiffened as he heard the words. He bit his lip so he wouldn't say what he wanted to say, and waited until the door shut before he screamed into his hand.
It hurt to move; his entire backside felt like it was on fire and he was bleeding on his cheeks and a little on his back. But he wouldn't cry; he wouldn't show any weakness as long as his dad was around.
He cleaned up his vomit and mopped the floor, then put away the dishes and started the dishwasher before he limped up the stairs. He changed into a different shirt, Kenny's shirt, and brushed his teeth.
Butters grabbed out his phone to text Kyle to let him know he was on the way, and slowly walked down the stairs. Tears streamed down his face and he quickly wiped them away; he didn't know what to do. All he knew was he couldn't live like this any longer; he wasn't going to hide Kenny from his family. Especially if his father was cheating on his mom again.
Before he could knock on Kyle's door, the redhead opened the front door and his smile quickly faded as he saw Butters' puffy eyes. He pulled Butters into the living room and offered him a sandwich he had made for him; there were five; he figured three were for Stan.
"Butters, are you okay?" The blonde trembled as he remained still, "what happened to your face?"
"I-I-I..." he trailed off, Kyle peered at him curiously.
"Does Kenny-"
"It wasn't Kenny!" Butters screamed furiously, his fists clenched as he looked at Kyle, who seemed taken aback.
"I didn't think so..." Kyle trailed off uneasily, "I was just asking if he knew." Butters shook his head and sniffled as tears leaked from his eyes once more.
"I-I went h-h-home and... st-started cleaning... I heard this noise and w-w-w-walked into the kitchen and found my d-d-d-da-dad with his business p-p-partner..."
"Holy shit..." Kyle blurted, then his eyes darkened with realization, "your dad did this, didn't he?" Butters shrugged his shoulders and hugged himself as he cried. He felt Kyle's arms wrap around him and he buried his head in his chest as he cried harder than he had in a long time.
It seemed as if all of his feelings had been dammed up and the levy broke. All of his hurt, fear, worry, and sadness poured out of him in sobs and tears that didn't seem to stop. Kyle held him tightly and he felt him even kiss the back of his head as he murmured reassuring words to him.
After awhile, Butters' cries reduced to sniffling and rubbing his eyes. Kyle still held him as he composed himself.
"My dad can help-"
"No, no lawyers, no cops. I-I was outta line, I sp-spoke outta turn a-a-and-"
"Butters, there is no turn to speak!" Kyle cried exasperatedly, "your dad is... is..."
"An asshole," Butters mumbled, "I-I just... Kyle, I hurt. I hurt so bad."
"I know, it's gonna be okay though," Butters shook his head.
"N-no, I mean... my dad..." he lifted his shirt and Kyle gasped as he saw the welts and various bruises. Some were mouth sized, however, which he ignored.
"Did your dad do this?" Kyle asked angrily, Butters hesitantly nodded, "does Kenny know?" Butters nodded, "why didn't he do-"
"I told him not to!" Butters shouted, tears welled in his eyes once more yet he wiped them away. "He was gonna... s-shotgun and..." Kyle sighed heavily and held him, looser this time.
"Does your mom know?" Butters remained still, "Leopold!"
"Yes!" He admitted through tears and curled into himself, "I-I-I want Kenny..."
For the first time he realized he didn't ask for his mom. Kyle seemed to realize this too, as he nodded and hugged him.
"I'm gonna call him, or you can, I'm sure he will be fine to take off time at work. Especially for you." Butters shook his head, but Kyle stopped him as he called Kenny's number.
"Dude, I'm at work," Butters could faintly hear Kenny over the other end.
"I know, Butters is at my house... some stuff went down with his dad and-"
"What did that fucker do to him?!" Butters sobbed as he heard Kenny yell and Kyle squeezed him tighter.
"Kenny, don't... it's fine, Butters is fine... can you just... take some time off and get over here?" Kyle asked, he could hear Kenny mumble something and silence on the other end.
Moments later, he said dismally, "boss says I can't leave for a couple hours... fuck... he needs me." Butters shrugged his shoulders and mumbled that he could wait. "Just... tell me what happened?" He asked Kyle, who looked to Butters, who shook his head.
"It's too complicated, Butters wants to tell you in person."
"Okay, okay... as long as he's okay right now..."
"Yes, I'm gonna look him over and smother him." Kenny laughed sadly and Butters smiled.
"Kay, well, tell him I love him." Butters smiled and said 'I love you too' close to the speaker. Kyle hung up and Butters sighed shakily as he leaned against the redhead.
"Will you be okay?" Butters gave him a look and Kyle furrowed his eyebrows as he sat up, "I'm gonna get some Ibuprofen for those welts... do you want an ice pack or heating pad or something?" Butters shook his head and leaned more on his side than sat on his bottom.
Kyle returned with a glass of water and four little red pills. Butters took them quickly and drank the water; he learned to stay hydrated after crying, otherwise he'd get migraines. He picked at the sandwich Kyle made for him, and laid against the skinny redhead, who held him protectively. It was a platonic hold, and he felt safe.
Stan came over after working out and Kyle and Butters both explained what happened. Butters didn't want to go into detail, but expressed how he was worried he was going to get kicked out of his house.
"You can always live with me," Kyle said, "my parents miss having Karen and Kenny around."
"Or me!" Stan said, "Shelly's room is our guest room now, so..."
"Or you could live with Kenny..." Kyle said with a smile, Butters blushed and shrugged his shoulders, "you just have to know you always have three places to go, at least. I'm sure more people would help you out, too."
"T-t-thanks," Butters mumbled, then took the last bite of his sandwich. Stan smiled at him and Butters uneasily smiled back, "i-is something wrong?"
"No, I just... you don't stutter when Kenny's around, that's all." Stan said, with a happy smile. Butters blushed and shrugged his shoulders as he rubbed his knuckles together. Kyle put his hand over his to stop him and he sighed heavily.
"Kenny doesn't smoke when you're around, either." Kyle said, Butters nodded.
"He doesn't w-w-want me to be mad, but I know it's a h-h-habit. Like his hand washing."
"He still does that?" Stan asked, Butters nodded. Kyle grimaced and rubbed Butters' shoulder.
"Ken told me he's do-done it since he was little... but it's not as bad as it was a few months ago!" Stan shrugged and Butters sighed heavily as he adjusted himself so his bottom wouldn't hurt. "G-g-guys, I'm... I'm scared. I don't know what I should do... sh-should I tell my m-mom? D-d-do I talk to my dad?"
"Just do whatever you're comfortable with. I honestly think you need to get out of that situation altogether. Butters, you're so hurt... you have been for years and you just hide it. Now he's physically abusive and... I can't see another person I really care about go through hell."
"I-I know," Butters lowered his head and felt his eyes sting, "b-b-but they love me, I think..." Stan laughed sadly at his doubtful tone. He rested his head on Kyle's shoulder and closed his eyes as he soothed the pain shooting through his back.
"Yeah, they may love you, but is their love worth the pain?" Stan asked as he placed his hand on Butter's knee and squeezed it gently, "you realize Kenny is gonna flip shit on your dad ri-"
"He w-w-wont if I tell him n-not to." The black haired boy sighed heavily and nodded; he was right. Kenny would do anything Butters told him to do. In fact, he'd do anything anyone told him to do. He figured Butters might like a subject change.
"Right... well how are you guys doin' anyway? We don't really talk about you guys."
"Y-yeah but we like to hear the St-Style adventures." Butters teased, laughing as his eyes glittered with tears. Stan and Kyle smiled warmly at each other.
"Sure, but tell us about Bunny life." Butters blushed darkly at Kyle's comment and shrugged his shoulders, "c'mon, something's gotta be happening up in that house."
"We're good, w-we just... I dunno...?"
"We gave you extreme details of our last date, from start to the very finish!" Stan teased, Butters' cheeks turned even redder, "but it's okay if you don't want to, honest. We're just curious about what you two do, that's all."
"W-well last week w-w-when Ken got home K-Karen and I made a surprise supper, he was excited. A-and we went explorin' u-up by the ravine near the h-house 'cause he's been hikin' up there, 'cause it's a short walk to the mountains and so we do that usually. J-j-just walk and talk and we'll end up rollin' around laughin' at something stupid he's said... like he goes off on these rambles..."
"Kenny rambles?" Stan asked, slightly disbelievingly. Butters nodded and was laughing as he began to think of all of their conversations.
"Y-yeah! He doesn't t-talk a lot when he's around a lotta people 'cause of his v-voice b-but that's why he usually wears his hood up. But he's done it s-sometimes around you guys. Like his l-little mini monologues? W-w-we were walkin' last weekend a-and he started talking about birds. Like h-how he always wanted to be a bird s-so he could fly away b-but come back. But then he got on the subject of dodo b-birds and he kinda lost me. So he stopped talkin' w-when he realized I was kinda not payin' attention and he called me a dodo. It was the funniest thing ever at the time. L-like he just..." Butters fell into giggles and Kyle laughed a little.
"Kinda like when he's tired? Or before he goes to sleep?" He asked; he had been victim to many of those conversations. Butters nodded, laughter fading a little.
"Yes! His sleepy o-ones are the best. 'Cause he g-gets a little slur in his voice and then he just... falls asleep talkin'."
"One time he ended up talking about Candyland..." Kyle said, Butters gave him a look, "he was talking about how he didn't like a lot of sweet foods which led to him talking about how he once got so bored he tried eating his own hand, then he talked about being made out of chocolate, which somehow turned into Candyland."
"I have gotta hear these..." Stan said, a little upset he was missing out. Kyle nodded and grinned as Butters laughed with him.
"He's a chatterbox." Kyle said, Butters nodded. "Anyway, continue."
"Okay... w-well we got done hikin' or wh-whatever so we went b-b-back to his house and watched their little kid videos f-for a bit."
"They have videos?" Butters nodded.
"A lot are with you guys, too, with Ken at least. He wasn't in t-too many of the family ones. Mostly Kevin 'cause h-he was a w-wild kid so he did f-funny things. A-and Karen w-was real curious. T-there was one of Kenny though, it was real cute. I think he saw his r-reflection for the first time a-and he was touchin' the glass and he got r-real close to it. T-then he got spooked 'cause his reflection c-copied his movements. T-then Kevin knocked him down which was sad. B-but we watched those for a bit and then we w-w-went to bed 's all." Butters' cheeks were bright red and a slow grin began to spread over Stan's face. Kyle rolled his eyes but smiled knowingly at Butters. "W-what y-y-you wanna know our sleepin' positions?" Stan burst out laughing and Kyle covered his mouth as he tried not to laugh. Butters stuck out his tongue, however, and raised his eyebrows defiantly.
"Sure, sleeping positions," Kyle said with a grin.
"W-well... sometimes Kenny holds me, kinda like we're sp-spoonin' or whatever. Or he'll lay on his back and I'll sleep on him. B-but other times he likes to sleep on me a-and he's a real cuddler and real warm so the bed gets hot real fast when he does that. B-but I don't mind 'cause I-I actually like it when he sleeps on me... I dunno why. I-I guess I just... feel like he feels safe with me a-and thinks I can p-protect him. But I like listenin' to his heart."
"Well now my mind is out of the gutter..." Stan mumbled with a small smile on his face. Kyle squeezed his hand and he squeezed back.
"I-I can't tell you much about our other positions... I dunno if Ken would w-want me to."
"He would!" They both cried, Butters blushed and shrugged his shoulders.
"Can I ask you something, serious?" Kyle asked, with a ghost of a smile on his face. Butters nodded. "Has he really never... y'know... bottomed since...?" Butters nodded, cheeks less pink as his eyes struck serious. "Are you okay with that?"
"Well, I-I wanna do what he's comfortable with a-and he's not with that. Honestly h-he doesn't stay naked very long in front of me, w-which is different 'cause e-even before w-we were dating he was never real... modest. Around me a-at least. B-but... ugh... I dunno if i-it's my place..."
"It's cool, dude," Stan mumbled, "we don't gotta know." Butters waved him off.
"But it... but it bothers me that he... that it still effects him. H-he's real self-conscious now. A-and he... he told me..." Butters sighed heavily, "after the rape... t-there was a lot of scarring. N-not just his... y'know... he just has a lot of scars everywhere down there... and he's n-not comfortable... b-but what bothers me the most is... he..."
"What...?" Kyle asked, looking at Stan with serious eyes. Butters sighed and looked up at the ceiling.
"H-he... won'tberoughwithme," Butters mumbled nearly incoherently. Stan looked stricken for a moment, yet he smiled as Butters curled into himself on the couch.
"Have you told him...?"
"Yeah! I-I mean he doesn't even b-bite me! L-like t-the worst I got are a-a couple of h-hickeys here and there and e-even then he takes away the hurt. B-but... if you look at him I-I-I've given him bruises!"
"You?!" Kyle asked, the bright blonde blushed as he nodded.
"Yeah... a-and he's got s-scratch marks and bites and I've m-m-made him bleed. 'Cause he w-wants it... b-but I do too... he just won't..."
"He is a masochist, isn't he?" Stan asked, Butters nodded again. A small smirk appeared on his face and Kyle chuckled.
"B-but he's soooo good." Kyle burst out laughing at his blunt admiration. Butters blushed a little, "l-like I know I haven't been with anyone else b-but what he does is like... mind-blowing. I-I've passed out before, 'just cause it feels so good. He's s-so attentive."
"Okay, okay..." Kyle trailed off, Stan shook with laughter and Butters stuck out his tongue. "Just, about your other issue, just tell tell him you wanna try new things and... always have a safe word."
"Safe word?"
"So if he does something that scares you or is too much you say it and he'll stop." Kyle explained, "it's kind of really important," he sent a glare to Stan, who smiled sheepishly.
"Right... like tomato." Kyle furrowed his eyebrows.
"We said no to tomato!" Stan's eyes widened.
"Oh, no wonder..." Kyle groaned in annoyance and Butters couldn't help but laugh as he realized why Kyle had given Stan the attitude and look.
"I-I-I just... don't know if he's gonna wanna do that. H-he still... he still h-has nightmares."
"Still?" Kyle asked, losing the angry look directed toward Stan as Butters spoke. The blonde nodded and Stan shook his head. "Geeze..."
"A-and he's not okay... h-he uses work to forget about it. A-and his shoulder is just one big knot... h-he's so stressed..."
"Well, he's been working out with me too, so that may or may not be helping." Stan replied. He chuckled at the beam on Butters' face.
"I knooow!" he said excitedly, "I love it!" Kyle grinned.
"Stan has some knots sometimes. He's too ticklish for me to do anything about it though." Stan stuck out his tongue and Kyle grabbed it.
"Well, it's just like... o-one giant knot. I-I could probably take a meat cleaver t-to it." Kyle snorted, "I just w-worry..."
"Same here, Butters." Stan said gently as he patted his shoulder Butters smiled at that and hugged them both tightly.
They decided to make cookies. Except Kyle kicked Butters and Stan out when he caught them eating cookie dough. They decided to sit in the living room and just chill as they waited for Kyle to return and Kenny to get off work.
"What're you doin'?" Butters asked as he peered at Stan's laptop. Stan turned to him and grinned.
"I'm working on editing some tracks Kenny and I did. They're covers and we're gonna record some more on Friday." Butters' eyes lit up as the saw the files in the program but he didn't understand what Stan was doing. "I'm pretty much just changing the levels of the instruments so everything is at a good balance. I've already done the vocal edits and combined them.
"Y-you don't sing and play at the same time?" Stan shook his head.
"We did for the first little CD but with this... this is some serious stuff we have here. We were completely sober with these. Some are covers, like Kenny did a couple by Korn and Flogging Molly and I did one by Chumbawamba... but the songs we have here are... they're pretty fuckin' sweet!"
"C-c-can I hear?" Stan shrugged and clicked one of the finished tracks. He listened to the heavy guitars, which was different from the acoustic CD they passed around at school, and even had drums.
"We both played guitar... I did bass and Kenny did drums. On the whole album, except we have a couple acoustic ones." Stan explained, Butters nodded slowly. It was obviously one Stan wrote, because he was singing, and Butters really liked the words. It was a meaningful song, about how screwed up the world is and how people are ignorant to the damage they have caused. He liked the lack of editing in the voice and instruments though.
"H-have you edited this one?" Stan nodded. "I-I like the... garage-y feel."
"Sweet, we did too. Everything's way too edited and auto-tuned so we kinda wanted to go back to the original way of recording. Kind of, we're not playing at the same time but... I'm not really touching up on any of the noises except to balance it out." Stan explained, Butters smiled and scrolled through the various tracks.
He saw they were labeled by who sang what and some had titles. Others were simply left as "K- voice track 3" or "S-solo track 5". Butters clicked the last one, labeled "K-extra track- vox".
"Why's it extra?" Butters asked, confused as to why nothing played. Stan shrugged.
"Probably 'cause we won't use it. We have a bunch of recordings we did. Most of my covers we aren't using. Some of Kenny's written stuff we're not using... it all works out." Butters nodded and furrowed his eyebrows as he scanned through the track. There was still complete silence.
"Stan, why are you recording?!" Kenny's voice cried over the speakers. A laugh was heard in the background.
"'Cause this is gonna be gold! "Shoots and Ladders", right?"
"Nah, man..." Kenny trailed off on the recording and Stan's smile began to fade. "I gotta do this one."
Silence filled the speakers again, except when Kenny coughed and took in a deep breath.
"Butters, this was just a... a joke song." Stan said, grabbing his laptop, "I don't think we should-" Butters tilted his head and Stan sighed heavily at his innocent expression. "Ugh..."
"Mother please forgive me
I just had to get out all my pain and suffering
Now that I am done, remember I will always love you
I'm your son..."
Kenny sang softly in that angelic way that Butters loved. He wasn't using a lot of force, it was rather airy, and as he listened to the words, he felt his heart hurt. He had never heard this song but... he was already feeling his stomach knot.
"Little child, looking so pretty
Come out and play, I'll be your daddy
Innocent child, looking so sweet
A rape in my eyes and on your flesh I'll eat..."
Butters' eyes widened as he looked to Stan, who had covered his mouth with his hand as he looked at the wall.
"I-is he...?" Stan nodded, answering Butters' question before he even asked. Butters felt his stomach squirm uneasily and he swallowed thickly.
"You've raped!
I feel dirty
It hurt!
As a child
Tied down!
That's a good boy
And fucked!
Your own child
I scream!
No one hears me
It hurt!
I'm not a liar
My God!
Saw you watching
Mommy why?!
Your own child..."
Butters had tears in his eyes as he heard the emotion in his voice as he yelled and sang the words. It was as if he were singing his entire heart out, about everything that had happened in the last few months. He could see Kenny, so intent, so calm as he belted out the lyrics. He could imagine the shake in his stature when it hit home. He could see the tears that he pushed back.
Kyle walked in slowly as the first verse and chorus repeated and he looked at Stan with worry in his eyes. He remained silent and listened. Butters leaned against the black-haired boy, who had put an arm around him, and he pinched the bridge of his nose as he listened.
"It's alright..." Kenny sang softly on the computer and Butters' shoulders shook with sobs.
"I didn't touch you there
Mama said she didn't care
I didn't touch you there
That's why mama stopped and stared
Little child, looking so... sweet...
A rape in my eyes and on your flesh I'll eat..."
A brief pause went after this verse and a shuddering gasp was heard from Kenny.
"You've raped!
I feel dirty
It hurt!
As a child
Tied down!
That's a good boy
And fucked!
Your own child
I scream!
No one hears me
It hurt!
I'm not a liar
My God!
Saw you watching
Mommy why?!
Your own child..."
He repeated the chorus four four times, each start was more and more emotional. Stan knew that that was how the song played out but he also knew this was the first time Kenny had shared his feelings about what happened, towards his father, and had seen him break down in mid-chorus and cry.
Butters' head swam as he heard the breaking voice and the wavering breaths as Kenny tried to maintain composure. A sob was heard on the recording and Butters let his tears fall freely.
"I fucking hate you, mother fucker!
Mother Fucker! I fucking hate you! Fuck You!" Kenny screamed, voice raw with emotion. Butters held his breath as he closed his eyes.
"You son of a bitch, you fucking ruined my life!
I wanted to die!
I'm sick of it, mother fucker..." He shook as he heard the words and Stan held Butters tightly as he cried. He clung to the broader boy tightly as he tried to focus on the song. He had to... this was the first time he had even referred to his father in months.
"Why'd you fuckin do it to me?
I hate you!
I fuckin hate you!
I hate you!
Why?!
I hate you..."
Butters heard the microphone drop and Kenny began to cry freely, as he had the night of his mom and sister's accident. The anguish and the anger was evident in the heartbreaking sobs and wails that were soon muffled.
"Hey, Kenny... it's okay."
"It's not okay... it's not fucking okay..." Kenny sobbed in response. Kyle's eyes flickered to Stan, who sighed heavily and reached to stop the playing. Butters held his hand back, however. "I'm not okay, Stan."
"Yeah, dude, you are. You just... fuck, dude..." Stan sniffled on the recording and the sound of Stan clapping Kenny's back as they hugged was heard.
"That can't go on the CD, I just... I thought I could... Jesus fucking Christ what was I thinking?"
"You weren't thinking, you were feeling..."
"I don't want to feel it anymore, Stan... I don't wanna feel... I'm so fucked up."
"You're not fucked up, Kenny. You can't hide what you feel, you gotta cope with it, otherwise you'll feel this... whatever you're feeling, the rest of your life." Kenny sobbed woefully, in his shirt Stan recalled, and Stan now wiped tears from his eyes. Kyle held his hand.
"I just want my mom..." Kyle sniffled at the admission and closed his eyes at the tiny whimper on the recording. "It's my fault, if I... if I could go back... none of this would have happened. We'd be better. I'd be better. Why did I let her die, Stan? W-why... why'd she have to be the one?"
"What do you mean, if Karen had died..."
"NO!" Kenny screamed and Butters tensed, "why couldn't it have been me?"
"'Cause if it h-had been you," Stan said, voice cracking on the recording, "then we'd be fucked up... we couldn't... we couldn't live without you."
"Fuck..."
"Yeah, dude." A rustling was heard and Stan laughed, "shit, we're still recording." Kenny laughed and sighed heavily.
"Well, fuck me twice. Stan... just... just delete this one, okay?"
"Kay."
Kyle and Butters looked at Stan who gave a sad smile as he shrugged.
"That's kind of important..." Kyle said with a raised eyebrow. Butters shrugged and pulled away from Stan. He wiped his eyes and sighed shakily as he sat up and looked at Stan.
"I... don't think y-y-you should delete that." Butters mumbled; he locked eyes with Stan, who sighed heavily and gave a nod. "I'm glad he could talk to you, too." The blonde smiled softly and checked the clock on his phone. Time seemed to be standing still; he wanted to see Kenny.
His wish was answered nearly an hour later. The sound of his motorcycle pulling into the driveway and shutting off caused Butters to jump from his seat. He winced in pain but he could handle that; he just wanted a hug.
Kenny ran into the house and skidded to a halt; he looked worried and rather pale. He smiled weakly when he laid eyes on Butters and wrapped his arms around him lovingly. His hands ran through his hair and touched his face.
"Hi," Butters said weakly. He blushed as Kenny kissed his nose.
"What... what happened? My manager said I could have the night off..."
Butters led Kenny to the couch and sat him down. There, he explained, softly and gently, what happened when he arrived home. He told Kenny about finding his dad with his business partner and how they got in a fight, which led to getting hit and whipped. He put an arm on Kenny's shoulder to calm him; the older boy had curled his fists and wore a mask over his fury. Butters could see it in his eyes; he looked ready to kill.
"-so I cleaned up and came over to Kyle's. He gave me medicine and checked me over; it doesn't hurt so bad anymore. Plus we made cookies." Butters looked to Stan, who was currently munching on the chocolate chip oatmeal cookies. Kenny remained silent and still as he gazed at Butters.
"Your... your cheek is swollen. Lee, he... don't take that shit, don't go back there, please...?" Kenny begged. He took his hand in his and squeezed tightly. "I've kept quiet but now, now you're... now it's too much. You don't deserve this, you shouldn't have to put up with him. It's not fair. He's such a fucking hypocrite, Lee!"
Kenny stood up and began to pace as he wrung his hands. They were bloody and dry. He ran a hand through his hair as he continued his repeated path. Butters stood up and gripped his shoulders.
"I can't... I can't leave my mom, and..."
"She tried to kill you!" Kenny exclaimed. Now he pulled at his hair. Butters took his hands and held them tightly. Kenny looked ready to cry. "Lee, you can live with me, I'd love it, Kar would too! You're over half the time anyway..."
"Kenny, I just... don't know if..."
"I hate seeing you like this, I'm tired of it. It's not fair... not fair to you at all, you're so good. You're so fucking good and your dad, he just doesn't deserve your kindness. Your parents don't deserve you, you're so much better than them." Butters sighed heavily and rested his forehead on Kenny's. They looked each other in the eyes and remained silent as they read each other. Kyle and Stan glanced at one another before they shrugged and sat down together.
"Why is it... why is it different for me? I saw you like this almost every night... you'd come to my window all bloody and banged up and I told you... I told you the same thing. Why am I different? You didn't deserve it, either." Butters countered, "they're my parents, Kenny. And I love 'em. I can't just... leave them. Not my mom at least." Kenny's lower lip trembled and he put his hands on Butters cheeks. He lowered his eyes and let out a shaky breath. "I'm... I'm gonna tell my mom. Tonight. Maybe... maybe we'll move out and get an apartment or something until I graduate, and we'll be happier and I can have you over and... Kenny, it could turn out good for me too," Butters was crying now and Kenny shook his head as he held him tightly.
"I just don't want to see you hurt. You don't deserve to be hurt... with fists or... anything else. I hate it. I hate that I can't be the one to make you feel better, that I can't protect you from all of that."
"But you do, Kenny. You do! I just wish... that I could protect you. That I could save you and make you feel better. But you won't let me... you're always workin' and I just... I miss you. I'm okay now, why can't we just hang out like we usually do? Everything's gonna be okay."
"Lee, you can't throw my work in my face. I have to work..."
"Well Karen could, too..." Kenny shook his head and looked up toward the ceiling. His eyes locked with Butters' and the smaller boy faltered; he saw the hurt in his eyes.
"Karen is working..." Kenny admitted, "she started three weeks ago..." Butters' face fell, "I have to work. Besides, this isn't about me, if you say you're okay, then... we can do whatever you want. But, my offer still stands, if you need a place to stay you stay with me." Butters nodded and sighed heavily as he hugged Kenny; he was tired of him clamming up. They'd always get so close to discussing the root of his problems but he'd just close his eyes, calm down, and forfeit the argument.
He kissed him gently and held Kenny close; it's all he'd let him do.
"M-m-mom can I talk to you?" Butters asked.
He had just returned from Kyle's house after eating dinner and playing RockBand for two hours. Kenny ended up leaving first, he had to pick up Karen, and Butters left a little while after him. Now, he stood outside of his parent's bedroom and waited for her answer.
"It's r-r-real important..." he added, knocking three more times. Silence consumed him and he sighed heavily, "mom?"
"Just a minute, honey."
He froze at the tone. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and turned the door handle. It was locked. She was going through another episode. Although she had never been tested, he was fairly sure she was bipolar and schizophrenic. Or at least one of those. She had all of the symptoms, and it only made Butters worry that he would end up the same as her.
He opened the door and looked around their bedroom. Everything was spotless. She was currently scrubbing the wall with margarine and canola oil as she murmured to herself. Butters glanced at the bed and saw a bottle of pills, open and empty.
"M-mom? H-h-how many did y-you take?" He asked worriedly. She smiled and turned back to cleaning the wall and he whimpered. "Can you... can you stop? I need to talk to you." Linda Stotch dropped the cube of margarine and wiped her hand on her arms; he made a face.
"Don't worry about mommy, dear," She said airily; the hairs on the back of his neck stood as a chill ran down his spine. "Now, what do you need to talk about?"
"I-i-is dad ho-home?" She shook her head and let out a dark laugh that caused his blood to run cold.
"Your daddy won't be home for quite some time, Butters. He has a business trip, in Virginia..."
"W-w-with Barry?" His mom nodded and tears prickled his eyes. "D-do you... do you..."
"Butters, be a good boy and bring mommy a drink? She's tired." His shoulders shook with sobs and he nodded. Butters leaned against the wall after bringing her the bottle of vodka from her drawer and closed the door behind him. There was no point in talking to her. He pulled out his cell phone and called the only person he could think of that could help his mother.
"Butters, it's so good to hear from you!" his Aunt Nelly exclaimed happily over the phone. "What's wrong, honey?" She asked as she heard his sobs.
"M-mom needs help, Aunt Nelly... I don't know what to do. D-d-dad l-left a-and she... she's ha-havin' an episode again a-a-and it's bad. Real bad. I think she o-o-overdosed on her Lithium... w-w-what do I do?" Butters asked through his tears. He heard his aunt sigh sadly and imagined she would hug him.
"I know this is going to be hard but you need to call 911, even if you aren't sure if she overdosed. She needs to go into the hospital and I know it would be difficult for you to take her in on your own. Is your dad gone for awhile?" Nelly asked gently; Butters felt calm after hearing her voice. She knew the right tone to make him believe everything would be okay.
"H-he... he's on a business trip b-but..." he trailed off in a sob, "I-I saw him cheat on mom again... w-w-with another man... and I d-don't know if that's why m-m-m-"
"Oh, honey... honey I'm so sorry, listen, I'm going to talk to your Uncle Bud and I'll try to get a ticket to fly out tomorrow, okay?"
"K-kay..."
"I need you to be brave now, you have to do what's best for your mom. Is there someone you can call to be with you?" Aunt Nelly knew he had trouble making friends when he was younger. She wasn't completely up to date with his social standing now; it wasn't that great, but it was surely a million times better than when he was in elementary school.
"Y-yeah, course I do." He just hoped Kenny wouldn't be too busy right now; he knew that thought was absurd.
"Okay, okay, good. Will you keep me updated?"
"Promise," Butters replied; his hands shook as he began to pull his phone away from his ear.
"Thank you, I love you, Butters. I'm proud of you," Nelly said sweetly. He smiled and hung up the phone. His fingers dialed "911" and he sobbed as he heard the dispatcher answer.
"911, please state your emergency."
"W-w-well it's not an emergency b-but... my mom is m-mentally unstable and s-s-she... she's havin' an episode and I t-think she overdosed on her m-medicine. I j-just don't t-t-think I could drive her to the h-hospital... oh hamburgers..." Butters trailed off in a sob, "I-I'm sorry, I just... I don't w-wanna waste your time or n-nothin', I'm sure somebody's dyin' somewhere... oh geeze..."
The respondent calmed him down enough to find out more information from him. He was a rambling, nervous mess and was barely able to get out his address. After a few more questions he was able to hang up the phone and call Kenny.
It surprised Butters when Kenny showed up at his house before the police or paramedics. That surprise turned to relief as he was embraced in a tight hug and he was enveloped in all that was Kenny. He also figured Kenny cared more than the paramedics, he had been rather rambly.
"Is there anything I can do?" Kenny asked quietly. Butters could tell he felt awkward as he stood in the entryway to the house. The bright blonde nodded and held Kenny's hands.
"Hold me?" The taller boy smiled sadly and nodded. Instantly, his arms wrapped around him, not too tight, in a way that he could fully trust Kenny would do anything to protect him.
"Butters?" Kenny stiffened as he heard Linda call from upstairs. Butters turned to him and held his hand as he wiped tears from his eyes.
"Yeah, mom?" He asked weakly. His shoulders shook and Kenny kissed his temple.
"How about we go for a little drive? Mommy has to clear her head..." Kenny held on to him tightly, securely, and Butters sobbed.
"W-we will in a little bit, okay?" Butters whimpered and flinched as he heard her footsteps on the stairs. He looked up and saw her manic eyes and ashen skin and just knew this had brought her over the edge. It took years of therapy to bring her back from this... and she was right back in her episodes.
"Butters! What is he doing here... what are you-?" She trailed off, eyes flashing dangerously as she peered at Kenny. He recoiled and Butters squeezed him tightly. "He's not supposed to be here, your father will be very upset... this is what made him leave, isn't it?! You!" She pointed her finger at Kenny, who shook his head yet stood his ground. Butters shook his head.
"No, mom! S-stop... please?!" He shouted. He would have collapsed to the floor in painful and agonizing sobs if Kenny hadn't been holding him. He wailed woefully and buried his head in Kenny's chest. This wouldn't stop until they got here. He shivered as he heard her shaky breathing. "Kenny's my best friend, I just... I need him right now!"
"Why? Am I not good enough for you either?!" Linda screeched as she began to claw at her hair. Butters whimpered. Kenny squeezed Butters' shoulder and stood stock still and frightened as he tried to figure out what to do. "You're the one who put the vodka in my room, Butters, I saw you! You're trying to get me in trouble because I'm not good enough for you!"
"N-no, mom..."
Flashing lights brightened the windows and Butters squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn't breathe; it hurt. Two paramedics and a police officer entered the house and Kenny held onto Butters as he fell apart in his arms.
"What are you doing here?! Get out of my house!" She hollered angrily as she retreated away from Butters and Kenny. After talking, trying to calm her down, and an admission that she had in fact overdosed on her medication, the paramedics managed to take her out of the house and into the ambulance. The police officer hung back until they left and shut the door. He stood before Butters and Kenny, tried to turn his cheek when he saw Kenny kiss his forehead and whisper encouragements in his ear, and made the report to dispatch.
"I just want to ask you a couple of questions, Mr. Stotch, if that's okay?" Butters nodded and sighed shakily as he wiped his eyes.
Butters had to explain her mental history and his family situation. He was nervous and had a hard time talking between crying and stuttering, which not even Kenny could help coax him out of doing, and he thought some of the questions were rather ridiculous. Then again, this was South Park police he was dealing with. But most of all he didn't feel nervous talking about it so openly around Kenny; his family life wasn't brought up much, mostly because Butters didn't want to really talk about it; but he felt safe and knew Kenny wouldn't judge him. One question had struck him as odd, in particular.
"Your mother, on the way out, said to press charges against this young man, Mr. McCormick. Is... was that due to her mental state or is there something-" Butters couldn't help but laugh and Kenny blushed darkly as he kept a strong arm around him.
"O-officer, he's my boyfriend. T-they just don't... my parents d-don't accept me bein' gay 's all." The police man nodded and stood up, then spoke into his radio before he headed for the door.
"Well, those will be all of my questions then. Thank you for your cooperation and your bravery for doing the right thing for your mom," Butters nodded and felt awkward as he waved. He looked to Kenny, who rubbed his shoulders and pressed his forehead to his.
"Do you want me to take you to the hospital?" Butters shook his head.
"I don't want to see her like that... the hospital will call me. My aunt is coming up tomorrow probably, I'll go with her then. Kenny... thank you. I'm... I'm sorry I called you and-" Butters was interrupted by a pair of slightly chapped lips pressing fiercely against his and Butters felt his worries melt away with Kenny's ministrations.
"I want you to call me whenever you need me or want me, okay?" Butters nodded and hugged Kenny tightly. The dark blonde held his head to his chest and pressed his lips to the back of his head. Tears leaked from Butters' eyes as he remained in Kenny's embrace; he felt safe.
After grabbing his pajamas and clothes for tomorrow, he and Kenny drove to Kenny's house. Karen was waiting on the porch, with Bunny and Chester on either side of her, looking worried. She, as well as the animals, ran up to Kenny and Butters as soon as he parked, and she wrapped her arms tightly around Butters.
"Are you okay?" She asked, fussing over him in a motherly way. Butters smiled weakly and nodded, Kenny held an arm around his waist, and ruffled Karen's hair teasingly.
They went inside and lounged about as Karen read her book. Kyle called and Butters explained to him what happened and that he was currently at Kenny's house. He honestly didn't want to think about it anymore; tomorrow would be difficult enough.
Kenny made that easy.
"What's that Harry Potter game you both play?" Kenny asked out of the blue. Butters and Karen perked up and grinned at each other.
"Pottermore, why?" Butters asked slowly. Kenny shrugged as he tossed the DVD remote onto the couch and turned to Butters.
"You should show me it..." he said. Karen squeaked happily and ran upstairs. They followed her, into Kenny's room, where she had already loaded the game on his desktop computer. Butters saw all of the art supplies and paint spatters all over the desk and some on the floor, he said nothing, and smiled.
He signed up for an account and after he began to play, he looked confused.
"So... I just go around collecting stuff and going through the book?" he asked, Butters nodded. "Do I at least get to find out what my patronus is?"
"Don't even get me started!" Karen grumbled angrily. Kenny looked to Butters and he shook his head. "But I'm proud you know what a "patronus" is!" Kenny scoffed as he hurriedly found the objects.
"Who was the one that read them to you Kar-bear?" he asked with an eyebrow raised. She huffed and stuck out her tongue as she sat on the other half of the chair; it slightly bothered Butters that they were skinny enough to share the seat. He decided to sit on Kenny' slap.
Butters giggled as Kenny rested his chin on his shoulder and bounced his knee a little. Karen rolled her eyes and pointed out a Galleon that Kenny had missed. He arrived to Hogwarts nearly a half an hour later and was in the middle of the quiz when he stopped clicking.
"But not all of these are accurate!" He cried, "I'm not afraid of any of that..." Karen groaned and Kenny thought for awhile as he gazed at the question. "And why would I be interested in talking toadstools?"
"Just choose the best answer, Jesus..." She trailed off. Kenny clicked through the options and finally one more question stood in his way.
"Heads or tails... really?" Kenny asked. Butters grinned.
"This is a tie breaker!" He exclaimed, Kenny groaned.
"So depending on this answer I could be either really happy or really disappointed?"
"Pretty much." Karen answered. Kenny hit his head on the desk and groaned in annoyance. "What house do you want to be in?"
"I dunno... what house are you two in? I'll go with that one. "
"We're Hufflepuffs!" Butters chirped, Kenny grinned as if that made complete sense. "Kyle is Ravenclaw..."
"Wait, Kyle plays?" Butters nodded.
"Ike's Ravenclaw too," Kenny scoffed. Go figure. "Ruby is Slytherin."
"So... am I the only one who hasn't played this?"
"Even Cartman has..." Kenny groaned and facepalmed as he looked at the screen.
"What was Stan?" Kenny asked curiously.
"Slytherin, Eric was too."
Kenny clicked the first answer that came to his mind and clicked submit. The screen was blank for a moment and then, suddenly, red and gold filled his eyes.
"What." He said in shock as he read the "Welcome to Gryffindor!" snippet. Butters grinned and Karen laughed happily.
"You're the only Gryffindor!" She exclaimed, Kenny grimaced.
"That sucks for me though. Can I retake it?" Karen shook her head and Kenny grimaced. "Lame."
He went through a few more chapters as Butters talked to his aunt and took a quick shower. Karen explained some of it to him but he mostly found himself upset that he wasn't with her or Butters. He also didn't think he was the Gryffindor type, but it was a stupid game anyway, so he eventually quit.
Ike called Karen and she left the room quickly. Butters walked in in his fleece booty shorts, the ones Kenny loved so much, and a tank top. Kenny flopped on his bed and Butters crawled in next to him.
"I love those shorts," Kenny said as he ran his hand over his thigh. Butters shivered and curled himself into Kenny, who snaked his hand into the pant leg and grinned when he found Butters wasn't wearing any underwear.
"Ken... can we just cuddle tonight?" Butters asked feebly. He felt Kenny retract his hand quickly and felt bad as he saw the look on the blonde's face. But his grimace was replaced with a smile as he kissed Butters chastely.
"Course," he replied and laid back on the bed. Butters rested his head on his chest and listened to his heart hammer softly against his chest. He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.
He woke up feeling raw and extremely tired, as if he had only slept for ten minutes. Kenny twitched in his sleep and tossed his head from side to side as he mumbled incoherently. Butters grunted softly as he stretched and turned to check the time.
He had a text from his aunt, she said she and his uncle had boarded the plane two hours ago. His stomach clenched uneasily and he burrowed his head in Kenny's chest as realization tore through him. He couldn't stay at his house. He had to stay with Kenny and his aunt and uncle couldn't know where he was. He wasn't going through that again. He couldn't; he wouldn't.
Kenny jerked in his sleep and let out a little moan; if he didn't know it wasn't caused by a nightmare he would have said it was hot. Except he himself jumped when seeing another body curled up next to Kenny. Karen must have come in during the middle of the night.
She stirred as Kenny's mumbling grew louder and Butters sat up as he placed his arm on his shoulder. Karen opened her bleary eyes and sighed heavily as Kenny kicked.
"Kenny, wake up..." she grumbled as she shoved his chest. "Kenny..."
Butters slapped his cheek a little and tickled his side. He woke up with a startled cry and squirmed away from Butters. His eyes furrowed in confusion and he quickly sat up as he wondered what was wrong.
"You were having a nightmare again," Butters explained. Kenny's chest heaved with deep breaths as he tried to compose himself. He scratched at his disheveled hair and sighed as he laid back down on his pillow.
"Sorry, don't even remember dreamin'..." he mumbled quietly. His hand caressed Butters' stomach as he closed his eyes. "Is your aunt comin'?"
"Yeah..." Butters trailed off, "my uncle too." Kenny stiffened and his eyes opened as he peered down at Butters, who looked up at him.
"You mean... your uncle Bud?" Butters nodded and Kenny growled lowly.
Butters knew that's how the day was going to go.
They finally got up when they got a call from his aunt that they reached Denver and were heading down after stopping for some food. Kenny went to shower and Butters dressed himself quickly and entered the bathroom to brush his teeth and hair.
"I gots some soap in my eye and it buuuuurns
Scrub-a-dub-dub at my retina and watch it bleed
Jesus Christ have I gone bliiiind?"
Butters giggled as he listened to Kenny sing off-key as he washed his hair. Kenny shouted in alarm when he heard the high pitched laugh. A thud was heard as shampoo bottles fell and Butters watched helplessly as Kenny ended up sliding on one of them and fell.
"Shit..." Butters laughed in shock and pulled back the curtain. Kenny quickly scrambled up, red-faced and puffy eyed as he rubbed his hip.
"You scared me!" Butters exclaimed, Kenny laughed, his hair still soapy, and shook his head.
"I scared you? All of a sudden I hear a 'tee-hee' and shit got real."
"Well your song was cute." Kenny pointed to his watery, blood-shot eye and pouted.
"It was a true story..." Butters laughed as Kenny closed the curtain again.
"Well, rinse your hair so I can kiss it better."
"Orrrrr, and just work with me here, you take off your clothes and join me?" Butters let out a barking laugh and rolled his eyes. "I can drop the soap." Butters covered his mouth as he laughed loudly and Kenny snickered. He watched as Kenny danced a little in the shower and felt his face heat, from both amusement and growing arousal. "Dammit, I really did drop the soap!"
Butters chuckled as he took off his shirt and undid his jeans. He stepped out of his boxers and slipped into the shower. Kenny's back was facing him and he saw several scars along his back. Some were like welts, others cigarette burns, and various others from his countless deaths. He felt a little guilty as his eyes traveled down the small of his back, to the curve of his ass, and he found himself staring at several deep scars that ran over the flesh of his cheeks to the back of his thigh. His stomach tightened as he realized they went inward.
"H-hey..." Kenny said, quickly turning around, red-faced and wide-eyed. "Don't..."
This was the first time Butters had even seen him with the lights on since the rape. And he suddenly looked very vulnerable and frightened. He was perfectly positioned so Butters couldn't get a good look at his front. Butters swallowed thickly and smiled softly at Kenny, who tried to lift the corners of his mouth.
"You're beautiful," he whispered, capturing Kenny's wet lips in a kiss. The warm water poured over them and Kenny moaned as Butters pressed him against the wall. His back arched as his hands roamed over his taut skin, massaging and kneading and pressing in just the right spots to make him writhe. Butters felt his erection against his leg and smiled as he took both of their members in his small hand and tried his hardest to stroke them together. Kenny hitched a breath and licked Butters lips as he closed his eyes. His right hand rested on Butters' ass while the left stroked his face lovingly.
Butters pressed his lips to Kenny's chest, where faded autopsy scars marred his would-be porcelain skin. Next he made his way to several prominent scars on his stomach and abdomen, from various deaths or fights with his father. He kissed the darkest one, the puckered scar from the stabbing that ultimately killed him.
"L-Lee, don't..." Kenny said, as Butters got on his knees. He kissed down his hip, where pink scars trailed down his pelvis, to his thighs, where scarred welts criss-crossed over his pallid skin. Butters held his heavy balls in his hand and Kenny moaned as his body shook. He kissed the scars on the tender, bare skin, and rolled his tongue over them sensually.
"Was that from stitches?" Butters asked airily as he pulled his mouth away. He pressed his lips to his inner thigh; Kenny's legs quaked as he held onto Butters' shoulder.
"Yeah..."
He kissed his shaft, knowing there was a scar there, although he didn't look for it, and laced his hand with Kenny's.
"What about that one?"
"Knife..." he sounded so small. Butters cringed and felt his heart ache as he enclosed his mouth over the head of his cock. Kenny shuddered and tangled his hands in Butters' hair.
"So beautiful," Butters whispered before taking him completely in his mouth. Kenny moaned and closed his eyes as he allowed his body to succumb to his ministrations. He couldn't thrust, Butters had his hands on his hips, so he trembled and scratched at the wall for friction as he moaned quietly. Butters took his hand and set it on his shoulder, then dug his nails in Kenny's hand.
Butters sucked harder and lapped at him hungrily; he moaned as Kenny's fingernails dug into his flesh; he was fairly sure he broke the skin. As he bobbed his head and sucked him off, he couldn't help but moan, almost woefully, as Kenny's nails scratched his skin and dug deeper and deeper. But he wanted it, God he wanted it, and he felt himself nearly burst as Kenny pulled his hair, not enough to hurt but enough to shock Butters, he cried out against the swollen, heavy member in his mouth.
In a loud, muffled, moan Kenny came in violent spasms and Butters milked him dry with his mouth. He swallowed all that he could, and wiped at the corners of his mouth before sucking it off of his fingers.
Butters stood up and held Kenny's cheeks in his hands. He saw his eyes were rimmed red and he kissed him passionately.
"I mean it, Ken... you're so beautiful..." Kenny smiled and kissed him once more, then flipped them so Butters was now on the wall. "O-oh geeze..." he trailed off as Kenny immediately sank down on his knees and braced him.
"My turn."
Butters walked out of the bathroom, jelly-legged and flushed as he leaned against Kenny, who led him to the door. He acted as if nothing had just happened; Butters still didn't know if he could truly give his first name. His mind was mush and his body was mushier.
"How long do you wanna be at the hospital?" Butters shrugged.
"Not long... I hate seein' her like that." Kenny nodded and grabbed his hand. He turned around as he opened the door, "Kar-bear, we're leavin'!"
"Kay, I'll have lunch ready!" She called from upstairs. "Love you!"
Kenny closed the door and Butters hopped onto the back of his bike. He hugged Kenny tightly as they sped down the gravel road. He was amazing that he had gotten so used to riding on a motorcycle; turning still scared him though. But he trusted Kenny. The only thing he didn't like was Kenny didn't have a helmet for himself; he always made Butters wear it.
They arrived at Hell's Pass Hospital and Butters suddenly felt very nervous. He walked through the doors, Kenny right behind him, and walked up to the receptionist. After forcing out who he was here to visit, she gave him a room number and a pitying look. He ignored that and walked slowly down the white halls to the east wing; the psychiatric ward.
"You sure you're okay?" Kenny asked. Butters nodded and hesitantly knocked on the door as they arrived. No one answered, so he opened the door and stepped in. Kenny remained outside, but Butters grabbed his hand and dragged him into the room.
His mom was sleeping on the bed. Butters' heart hammered heavily as he saw her hands and feet strapped to the sides and he shook his head. He knew not to wake her, and he curled up into Kenny's side as he cried.
"It's okay, Leo..." Kenny whispered, kissing his head softly.
"No, no it's not..." Butters replied. Kenny remained silent as he held them.
Linda Stotch didn't stir once. If Kenny didn't know any better, he'd say she was dead, but he knew the signs all too well and she was alive and... not kicking. He sat with Butters in silence and gave him a gentle neck massage as they just sat in the room.
A knock sounded and Butters stiffened as he saw the door open. He bounced off of Kenny and ran with excitement to the door as he saw a blonde woman with a balloon and flowers.
"Aunt Nelly!" He whispered excitedly. She hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek.
"Butters, I am so proud of you." Nelly said, stroking his hair as she kissed him again. "How is she?"
"Just sleepin', I haven't tried to wake her." A gruff laugh sounded and Butters stiffened as a rough hand clapped his shoulder.
"Sounds like you got rid of that stutter, huh?" Butters blushed and fumbled for words as he was brought into a hug with his Uncle Bud. He looked to Kenny, who stood up; his eyes looked fierce.
"Butters, who... who's this?" Nelly asked, smiling at Kenny, who softened his stature and waved a little.
"This is my... best friend, and my-"
"Wait, that's the kid who came to visit with you?" Nelly asked in disbelief. Butters blushed and shook his head.
"N-no, he's the one who went to Hawaii with me. After that he was my best friend, and now he's my-"
"You're the haole?" Bud asked, interrupting Butters a second time. Kenny shrugged and nodded.
"Yeah..." Butters turned to his aunt and walked towards him. He took his hand and Nelly's eyes widened.
"A-Aunt Nelly, meet my boyfriend, Kenny. Kenny, this is my favorite aunt, Nelly." Her cheeks blushed a little as she shook hands with Kenny. He wore a warm smile as he greeted her politely.
"How long have you been-"
"What about your favorite uncle?" Bud asked, extending his hand as he approached Kenny. Butters felt him tense next to him and watched as he shook his hand, "nice grip, that's a man handshake right there."
"Sure is," Kenny said; Butters swore he was standing three inches taller. "Nice to meet you, I've heard so much about you." the dark blonde said in a tone that was cold compared to his normally warm voice, but Nelly and Bud didn't notice.
As they talked, quietly, Kenny kept a hand on Butters at all times and kept him close. He could feel the fluttering of his nervous heart and wished at that moment he could be telepathic so he could let him know he'd be safe. But Butters did feel safe; he was quite a distance away from Bud and for the first time he saw Kenny overprotective over him; he could almost taste his rising testosterone as he appeared rather territorial.
That was until his mom woke up.
Butters swore he would never get over the nightmarish scream that tore through her as she locked eyes on him. Her bloodcurdling, horror-stricken "get out!" and the panic in her face made him wonder if he was awful for putting her there in the first place. Kenny wondered if she was talking to him, but when she said, "demon son" he realized her terror was directed at Butters; and then he was furious.
Nelly had pressed the call button and several nurses and her doctor came in. They subdued her and Nelly took Butters and Kenny in the hall, Bud followed after her. The light blonde hid under Kenny's arm as he sobbed and the taller boy tried to calm him down. Bud watched them like a hawk, Kenny saw his lip curl in disgust, and he kissed Butters' head.
"I... did that to her, Aunt Nelly. She hates me... I'm a monster..." Butters sobbed, clutching Kenny's shirt like a three year old who got in trouble.
"No, no sweetie..." she approached yet he didn't pull away from Kenny so she rubbed his shoulder. "Your mom is going through a lot right now, she's... having one of her episodes. It's not you, her mind is just trying to cope with a lot of things. She will be thankful for you helping her but right now she doesn't see it as that. She may even thank you," she looked to Kenny, "for helping her son during this time."
"T-they don't like Kenny, they don't want me to be with him because they don't want me to be with a guy."
"You can't help who you love, right?" Butters shook his head and hugged tighter to Kenny, who caught her knowing smile. "Your parents have a lot of issues regarding homosexuality, after all your father is... experimental but they should be happy that you found someone who makes you happy. It'll take time, but they'll accept you... both of you."
"T-thanks, Aunt Nelly." He pulled away from Kenny and hugged her. She noticed that the taller blonde looked scared, as if she would break Butters, so she cut the hug short and smiled as he held him once more. "Where are you guys stayin'?"
"We got a motel room in Denver for tonight, we'll probably just stay for a couple of days, is that okay?" Butters nodded.
"I-I'm stayin' over at Kenny's 'cause I don't wanna..." he trailed off, not wanting to finish his statement in case Bud had any ideas. "H-how long is she gonna have to stay?"
"Four days for evaluation, but possibly at least two weeks," Nelly answered. Butters' face fell yet he looked to Kenny and knew he'd be safe with him. He just wanted his mom to be better.
The doctor exited the room and told Bud and Nelly they could go back inside. Butters began to head in as well, but he stopped him.
"Wha...?"
"Your mother said she didn't want to see you, I'm... sorry," he said, walking away. Butters' lip trembled and Nelly's face fell as she looked at the breaking eggshell mask of strength on his face.
"Oh, honey..." Butters shook his head and refrained from crying. He stood up straighter and smiled.
"No, no, s-she wants to see you, s-s-she needs someone, Aunt Nelly. Just... let me know how she's doin'? We can go out for dinner or somethin' tonight," his aunt nodded and smiled heartbreakingly as she walked into the room.
Butters hurried out of the hospital in silence; he ignored Kenny's protests and pulled away as he tried to tug him back. As soon as they left the hospital he began to run, but that was foolish because Kenny was the fastest kid in school, and he swooped him up in his arms. Butters looked at him for a second and broke down in tears and agonizing sobs as he clung to Kenny.
He held him close as he whispered sweet nothings and told him everything was going to be okay. But his touches were cold and his whispers fell on deaf ears as Butters sobbed pitifully into his chest. Every shaking breath and every woeful moan caused Kenny's heart to shatter more and more. He kissed his forehead and hugged him tight because he knew all too well what it was like to feel broken.
"I'll fix it," Kenny whispered, tears stinging his eyes, "I'll fix you... I'll fix me..." Butters sobbed louder into him and Kenny's own shoulders shook as a single tear fell from his eye, "I'll fix us, Leopold James. We'll be okay."
At that moment his heart crumbled. Because he and Butters both knew those were empty promises; because there was one thing Kenny could never fix for them. And that was guaranteed.