Author's Note:
The title is from "This is Gospel" by Panic! At The Disco. I love this song and that whole album is really freaking good.
Chapter Forty-Two: We're Insufferable Bastards
"Are we sure we want to take Cartman with?" Kyle asked dismally as he threw his backpack in the trunk of his car. Kenny shrugged his shoulders and tossed his in as well, then loaded Butters' bag too. He coughed quietly and turned around to find Karen looking at him with a happy smile.
"I'm proud of you," Kenny sighed and hugged her.
"I'm just goin' 'cause Stan's curious." She nodded slowly and beamed with a gleam in her eye. Kyle gave him a look and he rolled his eyes as he tried to ignore their knowing expressions. "We might as well take him, he's not getting into Ivy League like he says," Kenny then answered Kyle and pulled down the trunk. He glanced over to Kyle's house and tilted his head as he saw Stan and Butters talking quietly between one another. They were both laughing and Kenny grimaced; he felt someone touch his arm. Kyle smiled and shrugged his shoulders as he watched them.
"They're talking about us," Kenny groaned and Karen laughed a little, "don't worry, it's just weird 'cause it's usually me and Butters and you and Stan." Kenny gave Kyle a look, "not that we talk about you or anything," he quickly added with a slight blush.
"Likewise," Kenny smirked, "do you really lick the alphabet on his-?" Kyle hit Kenny's arm and Karen shook her head as she stepped away from the two. The redhead's cheeks were bright with embarrassment. "His favorite is O, but that's 'cause that's the only permanent one."
"Oh God," Kyle grumbled yet he laughed a little as he leaned on the car, "Kenny, you have no filter!"
"Do so, I just don't want to use it. Do you guys always go halfsies or do you have a set topper and bottomer?" Kyle glared and Kenny raised his hands slightly. "I'm just curious, you always ask about me and Butters..."
"We trade off," Kyle answered in a sigh as he turned to Stan, who was still talking animatedly to Butters, who was now blushing but nodding.
"Which do you prefer? I'm pretty sure Stan's a monster, so I mean I can easily see how-"
"Oh Jesus Christ..." Kyle groaned in annoyance, yet he smiled a little as he looked at Kenny. "It doesn't matter to me, Stan just has more flexible hips but I'm taller than him so... it's up in the air for us. What about you?" Kenny shrugged.
"Um..."
"Right, I mean..." Kyle trailed off. The dark blonde laughed a little and shook his head.
"Well, I'd have to go fifty-fifty... because I really like Butters' ass, and the way he moves is just fucking amazing. But he also has a really nice dick and he is so good at hitting all the right places... he is god-like, seriously, I almost feel bad for all the other guys missing out on his prowess but then I wonder why he's with me in the first place so I don't think about it much. Do you ever feel that way with Stan?" Kyle blinked at Kenny who had ended his ramble. "What?" He exclaimed with a smile, loud enough that Stan and Butters looked at them curiously.
"Like I said, no filter. Once you're comfortable with someone you don't really shut up, do you?" Kenny shook his head.
"Well, I'd talk a lot when we were little you guys just didn't hear me. At first I thought you were ignoring me 'cause you hated me but then I realized you really couldn't hear me..." Kyle laughed and Kenny stuck his tongue out as he patted the trunk.
"But sometimes I do think that... but I mean, it was always Stan and I in some way, y'know? I don't remember anything before Stan. I've honestly never really liked anyone else other than him, so if I didn't have Stan there wouldn't be anyone else."
"Not even me?" Kyle scoffed and slugged Kenny's arm.
"You're too pale and lanky, you're not my type."
"Ahh, so I have been considered. And rated?"
"Six."
"Liar, I'm nothing below an eight."
"Okay, seven."
"Jerk." Kenny grinned and flashed Kyle his infamous puppy dog eyes; the ones not even the principal and superintendent could tear their gaze from when he nearly got suspended for the third time last year. Kyle looked away but couldn't help but glance a this pouting expression and sighed heavily.
"You're still a seven, that's not changing." Kenny grumbled something to himself and smirked at Kyle as he backed away slowly. "You are so fucking wired, dude. Did you drink twelve cups of coffee or something?" Kenny shook his head and grinned; Kyle swore this was the first time he had seen Kenny anything close to hyper.
"No. I had four!" Kenny held up three fingers and then poked Kyle in the nose. "Boooooop."
"What even..."
"I'm just excited, Ky. It's like... this is the first time I've really had a break from work. A whole week... and we're going on an adventure!"
"It's Boulder and Nebraska, Bilbo, it's not that big of a deal."
"It is to me, Samwise..." Kyle smiled at Kenny's words and squeezed his wrist. "And fuck, I'd be Legolas, not a fucking hobbit. If I were a hobbit I would be Pippin. Besides it's just us, and we haven't gone on a proper road trip and it's something I've always wanted to do! So nyah."
"Okay, Cartman..."
"Ey! Respect my authoritah!"
Kenny and Kyle burst out laughing at Kenny's impersonation of Cartman; Stan could hit it pretty spot on; Kenny's however, sounded like he was choking. Stan and Butters looked over and laughed as Kenny and Kyle clutched onto each other as tears of laughter burned their eyes and they went red in the face.
"They're on something, I swear to God," Stan said. Butters laughed a little and shrugged as Kenny made a face and puffed out his chest. Kyle ended up leaning on him as he gasped for breath through his laughs.
"Well, we should be too!" Butters chirped, "I-I mean, we're goin' on a roadtrip, just us fellas and it's gonna be fun. They're just getting' excited."
"That's not Cartman!" Kyle cried, Kenny nodded and laughed a little as he stomped his foot.
"Is so!"
Stan raised and eyebrow and Butters shrugged as he smiled a little.
"But anyway, I couldn't believe he actually let me, a-and wanted to... I mean, the last time we tried he ended up showering for two hours. Oh, it was so hot, I really missed it. I didn't know I did, 'cause he's so good at whatever we do, like... a human body should never feel that good." Stan laughed a little and Butters' blushed, "s-sorry, but yeah... after that he hasn't really been moody or anything. It's like something happened and he's moved on..."
"That's good though, we've been worrying our asses off for months." the bright blonde nodded and hugged Stan tightly. "And you're doing okay?" Butters nodded.
"I haven't heard from my dad... but I'm n-not complainin'. And my mom's still in-patient so I'm obviously at Kenny's, which is so cool! Like, I'm falling in love with being there. It's gonna be real awful having to go back home. Some nights we'll just sit outside and get high and look at the stars... and we camped out in the woods one night. It's perfect for just wantin' to get away from everything." Stan nodded and smiled softly; he had noticed that too. They were all spending more and more time at Kenny and Karen's house. "And don't tell nobody but Kenny has kinda fallen in love with cooking. He says it's like science he understands and can eat." Stan snorted as he laughed.
"Well, he's gonna have to cook for me sometime then 'cause I'm not looking forward to physics next year." Butters nodded dismally and shuddered at the thought.
"Guys, can we seriously ditch Cartman? Kenny's got his voice down pretty good so he can talk as both of them!" Kyle called, Butters laughed and Kenny grinned triumphantly.
"He really wants to check out CSU, plus we haven't hung out with him since he got his job at KFC."
"That's because he's working so much so he can eat there..." Kyle grumbled; Stan grinned. Kenny sighed and pulled himself off of Kyle's Hyundai.
"I'll go wake him. If he tells me to fuck off we're leaving," Kenny said. Kyle shrugged and sent him a sympathetic look.
Kenny ran down the block and up the steps to Cartman's house. He reached to open the door, he couldn't remember the last time he knocked on any of his friends' doors, but stopped when the door opened.
Cartman nearly trampled him in an angry stomp yet stopped just in time. Kenny backed away and tilted his head curiously.
"Fuck you!" He yelled into the house before slamming the door shut. Kenny stared at him expectantly and the chubby boy huffed angrily as he walked passed him. The blonde ran a couple steps and caught up to Cartman, who shoved his bag into Kenny's stomach.
"What's wrong?" Kenny asked, Cartman shook his head and laughed as he walked down the sidewalk to Kyle's house.
"Nothing, like you'd fucking care anyway," Cartman snapped. Kenny rolled his eyes and stopped walking. After a few steps, Cartman turned around. "My mom's in there fucking the entire school board." Kenny was expecting him to laugh but the angry look on his face told him he was completely serious. He shook his head and smiled sadly at Cartman, who rolled his eyes.
The only one who could almost completely understand Kenny's fucked up home life was Cartman. He was way more well-to do than him when they were younger, yet Cartman had been on reduced-priced lunches, and his mom was a crack whore who prostituted herself around the county.
"Even the chicks?"
"No, not the fuckin' chicks, Kinny, God!" Cartman exclaimed, "but Jesus, can't she keep her fuckin' balls to herself?" Kenny snorted.
"Your mom doesn't have-"
Cartman shot him a dark glare and growled. "I know, I know, Jesus Christ! I'm just so fucking tired of the same old bull shit. Couldn't she work a decent fucking job for once instead of being a whore? I mean she could find a decent guy, I'm moving out in like a year so I don't give a shit. I just don't wanna see her giving head in my fuckin' spot in our living room!"
"We accept the love we think we deserve," Kenny replied. Cartman blinked at him, in shock for a moment, then rolled his eyes.
"Don't quote that fucking Emma Watson bullshit movie at me!"
"It was a book first," Cartman groaned.
"You'd know that... Jesus, you really have gone faggy."
"It's a good book! And movie, damn that Emma Watson."
"She is pretty sexy isn't she?" Cartman asked, "to think I wouldn't watch "Harry Potter"."
"Skip the first two, third is where things start lookin' good." Cartman snickered and nodded. Kenny grinned.
"See, there's still that old Kinny down there! Hellooooo Kinny, God this is almost like when you possessed me. We haven't just chilled like this in forever, dude." Kenny halted in place and slowly turned around to Cartman, who looked at him in confusion. "What? You realize we are alone, right?" Kenny nodded slowly.
"Say what about possession?"
"Yeah, remember when I made that Shakey's pizza instead of saving your ass? God that was some good pizza. I could go for some pizza, is there any food at Kahl's?"
"Eric, you remember that?" Kenny asked in disbelief. He peered at Cartman expectantly and the brunette groaned in annoyance.
"What, that you died?" Kenny nodded, "you die all the fuckin' time dude, it's why I killed you last week. You were really fuckin' pissin' me off."
Kenny laughed loudly and felt a slap in the face and a jolt in his heart as he looked at Cartman with new eyes. He swore if he wasn't so repulsive he would have kissed him. Cartman rolled his eyes as he caught Kenny's grin.
"Stop getting' all faggy on me! You die all the fuckin' time, so stop..." Cartman trailed off; his eyes narrowed on Kenny.
"You're telling me, you're fucking telling me you remember me dying? Every single fucking time?"
"JESUS CHRIST, YES, KINNY!" He screamed, a woman looked out her window and, from a distance, Kyle and Stan looked at them curiously. They probably weren't expecting it when Kenny jumped on him and tackled him in a hug; Cartman hadn't anyway. He shouted again and pushed Kenny off of him. "Ey! Stop it, you po' piece a shit!" Kenny rolled his eyes and planted a kiss right on Cartman's cheek; he laughed giddily as the chubby boy squirmed in disgust. "WEAK!"
"Cartman, I fucking love you right now! Shit... why didn't you tell me?!"
"'Cause I didn't think you wanted to talk about it. Whenever you came back you were always like 'hey dudes, sorry I'm late'. I wasn't even sure if you knew you died, dude. How does it work anyway?" Kenny shrugged his shoulders.
"I've been trying to figure that out since Cthulhu."
"Thaaaat's why Butters did that report... I mean, we could call up my old buddy and maybe we can get some answers or-"
"NO!" Kenny shouted as they started walking once more. "Cartman, how... how do you remember? Stan and Kyle don't..."
"They're so wrapped up in their own bullshit; they always have been. They wouldn't fucking notice if an atomic bomb dropped in front of them; they'd die happy anyway. But... I dunno, dude. You've had some real funny deaths though, remember when you got eaten by that lizard thing when we got back from that foster home? Or when you got ran over?"
"Or when you hit me in the head with a baseball bat..." Kenny grumbled, Cartman grinned and laughed. "I just don't get it... why do you remember?"
"Why wouldn't I, dude? That's not something even I could forget. I mean even when you started boning Butters we were still like bros or whatever. Plus I wasn't kissing the balls of a filthy ginger Jew or had my tongue up the hippie's ass." Kenny laughed loudly at that and smiled happily as he turned to Cartman with a happy grin. He said nothing as they walked up the drive and Kenny hadn't quite expected Cartman to shove him.
"Put my bag in the fuckin' trunk, you poor piece of shit!' Kenny sighed heavily as Kyle began to yell at Cartman, who yelled back in return. Stan groaned in annoyance as he slammed the passenger door shut and Butters approached him slowly, with his head tilted in curiosity as he silently questioned Kenny.
"Cartman remembers me dying," he whispered so quietly that Butters could hardly hear him. "He remembers every death he's seen me die..." Butters covered his mouth and a slow smile crept on his face as he looked at his boyfriend.
"You're serious?" Butters asked quietly, Kenny nodded and laughed happily as Butter squeezed him tightly. "That's... amazing. Him of all people?!"
"I know, right?!" They both laughed at that and Kenny turned to find Kyle lunging himself at Cartman, who shrieked in fear. Stan practically flew out of the car and Kenny looked back at Butters with an eye roll as he ran to pull Kyle from Cartman, Stan was stronger than he was so he could battle Cartman. Kenny couldn't help but laugh as he did so; nothing could stop his excitement for this road trip.
Not even getting hit in the face by a fuming redhead would crush his spirits.
"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so fucking sorry, dude." Kyle kept apologizing as he drove East.
The fight had ended after Kyle swung his fists and managed to hit Kenny square in the nose. He told them they should just get on the road and that it would stop bleeding eventually. Butters was currently fussing over him and Cartman was still laughing.
Kenny shrugged his shoulders and Butters tutted as he folded the tissue and dabbed at his bleeding nose. Kenny flinched.
"I'b fide, Lee." Kenny said in monotone with what sounded like an incredibly stuffy nose. Butters sighed heavily and Cartman made a face as he stared at the discarded tissues on the seat next to Kenny.
"If you get your blood on me I will kick you in the nuts."
"Get your fat-ass foot up here, I'd like to see you try," Kenny quipped, earning a cry from Cartman, who shuffled through his iPod and handed it up to Stan.
"Is it still bleeding?" Kyle asked worriedly, Kenny threw a bloody Kleenex at him and Stan shouted out in disgust. "Is it broken?!"
"Huh-uh," Kenny said as he shook his head.
"Play my fuckin' jams, hippie!" Stan groaned in annoyance as he took out his mixed CD and sighed heavily.
"Did you pick good music? Only good music plays from these speakers."
"My music is better than yours, you fucking hipster."
"I'm not a hipster! I don't have those weird fucking glasses and you gotta admit older albums are usually better than newer albums by the bands we all know and love." Kenny shrugged his shoulders.
"Yeah, but you got mad at Mr. Tweak because he didn't know what a flat white was."
"What the fuck's a flat white?" Kenny asked.
"Think of it as a hipster latte," Kyle said, grimacing as he caught sight of Kenny in the mirror.
"It's not! It's just microfoam rather than actual milk, I had it with Shelley a long time ago, and it's stronger than a normal latte."
"God, he is a fucking hipster," Kenny said to Butters and Cartman, who laughed, although Butters did so quietly. Stan grumbled to himself as he began to play Cartman's playlist.
"We have like two hours of this shit," Stan mumbled as a generic rap song played on the speakers.
"You can't go on a roadtrip without playing fucking rap music down the interstate and jamming the fuck out; it's illegal."
"Hey Cartman, will it really take us ten hours to get to Lincoln?" Kyle asked over the reverberating bass. The chubby boy shrugged and rolled down the window as he flicked his lighter and took a drag from a cigarette. Kenny eyed it and felt his hand itch at his side yet he turned to Butters who grimaced as he tried to wipe the blood from his hands onto a tissue.
"Probs. I'm not staying in a fucking car for that fucking long. We're gonna get a hotel or somethin', right?" he asked, Stan shrugged and Kyle glanced to Butters and Kenny who weren't really paying attention. "It usually takes us like eight hours to get to Kearney. I fucking hate Kearney. There's nothing to fucking do there except watch the God damn cranes and go to the Wal-Mart. We're not staying in Kearney."
"Is there anything to do in Nebraska at all?" Stan asked, Butters nodded.
"Lincoln is actually big. I don't remember much about it but the people are nice."
"Lincoln has a Hilton. We're staying there!" Cartman exclaimed, "And KFC. Ohhhh have you guys had Runzas?"
"Yeah!" Butters chirped excitedly, Cartman grinned and Kenny furrowed his eyebrows as Butters who suddenly seemed very excited.
"I've heard those are really gross." Stan mumbled.
"They're fucking delicious!" Cartman countered angrily. Kenny snorted to clear his nose and grimaced as he tasted blood. Butters squeezed his leg and handed Kenny another tissue. "You know people jam tampons up their noses to stop the bleeding." Kenny rolled his eyes and tilted his head back slightly.
"I'm not sticking a tampon up my nose," he replied quietly as he turned to face Butters. "Dammit, did you fart?" He eyed Cartman with disgust, who looked at him innocently.
"Why would it be me? It could've been Butters." Butters blushed and shook his head furiously.
"It wasn't me, I swear! I don't do that around people." Kenny raised an eyebrow and scoffed at the bright blonde, to which Stan snickered, and Butters slugged Kenny on the arm.
"Jesus, what did you eat?!" Stan cried, plugging his nose as he rolled down his window. Cartman smiled smugly and shrugged as Kenny held his breath and reached over to roll down the window next to Butters.
"Breakfast crunch wrap at Taco Bell, two double Dews and that Mountain Dew Game Fuel."
"Oh God, it's ziplining all over again..." Kyle whined.
"At least you're not back here with the eternal bog of stench!" Kenny exclaimed woefully.
"Ey! You're one to talk, Kinny! Not showering all the time, fucking weak."
"That was because we didn't have hot water in my house, asshole! And our washing machine broke. Do I stink now?" He asked angrily. Butters sniffed him and shook his head as he smiled. Cartman rolled his eyes and Kenny cried out angrily as he farted again. "Can we drop him off at the side of the road?!"
"Cartman, I'll shove this air freshener up your ass if you don't stop," Stan warned.
"It's not like I can control my farts, they just happen!"
"Bull fucking shit," Kyle grumbled; Cartman smirked.
"W-well yeah it's a normal body function but something died up your butt, Eric."
"Ey! At least I don't take it up the ass."
"You say this as if we'll be offended..." Kyle mumbled, smirking as Cartman made a disgusted face.
"You realize you're the only straight guy in this car, right?" Stan added, causing Cartman to eye them all.
"What? Are you all planning to like tie me up and rape my asshole so I'm like you guys?" Cartman asked, then realized what he said as he looked slightly worriedly at Kenny. All eyes flickered to the blonde for a moment, who smirked and put his arm over Cartman while his hand slid up his leg.
"That's exactly right, big daddy." Kenny murmured huskily to him. Cartman actually screamed as Kenny kissed him. Butters yelped in surprise and Stan gawked.
"WEAK! Fucking weak!" Cartman cried as he wiped his mouth obsessively. Kenny laughed hysterically as he leaned closer to Butters, who still had not recovered from his shock.
"Did Kenny just kiss Cartman?" Kyle asked, "did that actually just happen?" Stan nodded slowly as a look of disbelief fell over his features. Butters didn't know whether to laugh or cry as Kenny wiped his mouth on his sleeve.
"You taste like every fast food chain," Kenny grumbled distastefully as he made a face. Butters handed him his Vitamin Water and Kenny gulped it gratefully.
"Well you taste like... fag." The blonde rolled his eyes and Butters giggled.
"Of course he tastes like cigarettes, especially those really nice ones you buy. Those I like," Butters murmured. Kenny smiled and kissed Butters' cheek.
"You know that was a joke, right?" He whispered, Butters nodded and smiled as he pecked Kenny on the lips.
"Eww fast food..." Butters teased. Cartman glared at him as he wiped at his mouth still.
"Kenny, are you okay after that?" Kyle asked, Kenny nodded.
"Yeah, now I'll really think about Eric when I eat McDonald's." Stan guffawed and Cartman used a mocking tone as he mimicked Kenny. "Just wait till later, Hamburglar." Kyle cracked up as Cartman yelled incoherently at Kenny.
"This road trip is going to fuck us all up," Kyle mumbled to Stan, who nodded as he watched Kenny give Cartman bedroom eyes.
They arrived in Boulder about three hours later. It wouldn't have taken them so long if Cartman hadn't needed to stop three times to go to the bathroom. He also tried to beat up Kenny at one of those stops, which resulted in him getting a black eye.
They parked a few blocks away from the university, to which Cartman complained about unnecessary walking and Kyle being a "pussy parker". Their stops were for the music school, business administration campus, the pre-med school, political science building, and the college of fine and performing arts building. Kyle and Butters planned to talk about the graphic design aspect of the college to intrigue Kenny; he had openly told them he was going to just to get out of South Park and that he wasn't really looking at the colleges.
They walked around the fairly empty campus without tour guides; that was the whole plan. They didn't want to go on a pointless adventure with a campus ambassador who would try to sell them into going there. They wanted to check out the places that mattered to them; not the random buildings and historical artifacts. There was a sign at the film school that two alumni had made a famous animated television show based on a town really close to them that Stan now wanted to watch. Kenny had been more excited to find out they were the ones who produced "Cannibal! The Musical". Other than that brief stop they looked at the main buildings they would be attending. Thankfully they didn't need a keycard to go inside and look around.
Cartman complained about having to check out all of the "faggy buildings". Butters and Kyle were excited as they talked about how easy it would be to meet up and get lunch. Stan was eager to see the auditorium and hopefully some of the production equipment. Kenny was bored but tried to maintain interest for Butters, who rambled on about the fine arts school rather than business administration.
"I might audition for a theatre scholarship, I just don't want my parents to get upset. If... if I don't go into accounting they said they won't help me pay for college."
"Well, do what you want to do. You can probably apply for grants and loans and then you have the grades to get an academic scholarship anywhere, plus you could audition for scholarships. All in all you should be set," Kyle explained. Butters shrugged his shoulders and stared wistfully at the stage with a sad smile. Kenny pulled him close by the belt loop and kissed his forehead as they stared at the auditorium.
"They have a great writing and media arts lab too. I took a virtual tour online, the newest Macs and graphic design programs." Kenny sighed and turned slowly to Kyle who stared at him.
"Ky, we should check out the music building. I wanna see their engineering lab," Stan suggested, Eric sighed heavily and Butters pulled on Kenny's arm.
"Do you wanna check out the computer labs?" he asked gently, Kenny shrugged, then shook his head.
"Nah, Stan wants to see the music department. Besides, I can just do a virtual tour if I'm interested, like Kyle did." He explained, then laced his fingers with Butters' and led the way out of the building. Butters grimaced as he turned to Kyle, who glared at Stan. The black-haired boy shrugged his shoulders and Cartman pulled out a cigarette. Kenny followed his actions and took a long drag as he gazed at the empty campus. The walk was green and flowery; the horticulture department took a great pride in keeping the Boulder campus appearing lush and vibrant with grass and flowers. He exhaled and puffed once more.
Watching Stan in the music building was like taking a kid to the candy store. He peered excitedly into each and every room to examine the stage, instruments, structure, and classrooms. When they got to the music production and engineering classrooms and booths he looked about ready to burst with excitement. His face was pressed against the class as he ogled the tables and systems.
"I want it..." he trailed off, Kyle laughed as he wrapped his arm around his waist. "Ky, I have to have it. I want it..."
"You sound desperate," Cartman grumbled, Kenny smirked and squeezed Butters' hand. The bright blonde smiled weakly at him and curled into his side.
"Nah, I'm the cockslut of the group," Kenny replied as he winked at Butters, who flushed red and turned his head away from everyone as they gave Kenny a surprised look.
"Have you seen this though? I am in love... let's just not go to Nebraska. I'll play for CSU, decision made."
"Seriously?" Kyle asked in disbelief, Stan shook his head.
"No, I have to check out their campus. And they're losing some really good quarterbacks after next year so who knows... same with wide receivers." Stan hinted to Kenny, who shrugged and looked around a little.
"Yeah..." he trailed off as he cleared his throat, "I think I'm gonna have another smoke. I'll just wait out there for you guys," Kenny said with a smile as he headed to the stairs. Kyle glanced to Butters as he sighed heavily and smiled sadly.
"I think the college part is gonna make him uncomfortable."
"He's a moody fucker, seriously we should go buy him fucking tampons," Cartman grumbled. Stan sighed heavily and shrugged his shoulders as he stared at the equipment once more.
"You know something, don't you?" Kyle asked; Stan remained silent as he examined the booths and sound rooms from outside. "Stanley..." he warned. The raven-haired boy shrugged his shoulders and turned around to face his fiancee. "You do." Kyle could read his face and body language better than actually understanding his words sometimes. It honestly freaked Stan out a little but then he realized he did the same thing.
"I may or may not, it's not my place to discuss it." Kyle groaned in annoyance. Stan sighed heavily and looked at Butters as he began speaking once more, "after we check out NU he may or may not have something to tell you. I don't know."
"He's not dropping out, is he?" Butters asked quietly; he wasn't quite upset that Kenny had told Stan something and not him but the fact it had to do with his future kind of worried him; Butters was a part of that future, as far as he knew.
"No way," Stan replied, smiling reassuringly at Butters. The blonde relaxed slightly and pulled out his phone when he felt it buzz.
From: Kenny
Received: 2:24 PM
Come here babe. I found something you'll like.
"Uh... I'm gonna... be right back." Cartman snorted and Kyle's lips curled in a slow grin as Butters hurried down the stairs. He jumped the last four and pushed open the doors. He walked away from the marble pillars and peered curiously around the campus.
"Ken?" he asked a little loudly. He squeaked in surprise as Kenny's head poked out from the side of the building.
"Come here!" He cried, waving his hand toward him. They walked down the tree-lined sidewalk a ways and Butters looked at him curiously.
"Why're we going back to the arts school?" Kenny shrugged his shoulders and turned down the sidewalk. Now Butters was lost.
"If we went here, all of us... we have that spot Kyle found where we could all meet and hang out before classes. Well, some days I'd just want it to be us, y'know? So... look." Butters looked up and gasped softly. It was a section, what must have been part of the gardens but left unattended, with an old fountain that appeared to not have run for years. Trees and shrubs grew around it and wildflowers grew all around. The walkway was cobblestone rather than asphalt and there was a small ledge close to the fountain.
"This could be our spot." Butters smiled and turned around to Kenny. He tightened his grip on his shirt and pulled him close as he kissed his lips softly. Kenny wrapped his arms around Butters as they massaged their lips together in a perfect rhythm that was soothing yet sensual.
"I love it, Ken. So... can you see yourself goin' here?" He asked seriously. Kenny shrugged his shoulders as he flicked his cigarette in his fingers. Embers and ashes fell to the stone and Butters stared at it.
"Who knows?" Kenny asked, smiling genuinely at Butters, who took his outstretched hand and held it tightly. The blonde nodded and kissed his neck softly as he settled into the protective hold Kenny had around him.
"-need fucking food. I'm starving."
"You've got enough fat to last you four winters." Butters and Kenny glanced at each other as they approached the music building once again. Cartman kicked at Kyle, who caught his foot in his hand and pulled.
"Hey fellas!" Butters chirped, "any other places to look at?"
"That was quick for a quickie," Cartman grumbled. Stan rolled his eyes but grinned. Kenny shrugged and took another drag from his cigarette before discarding it on the pavement. Butters stomped it to put it out.
"No, unless you wanna try to look at the stadium."
"I've seen it too many times, I'm okay. What about you, dude?" Stan asked Kenny, who shook his head.
"I'm okay, so... to Nebraska?" Kenny asked. Kyle turned to Cartman, who shook his head.
"We need food. Now." Butters shrugged his shoulders and Kyle shook his head.
"Food sounds okay to me," Stan sided with Cartman. Kyle and Butters turned to Kenny; both knew he was incredibly indecisive and would just go along with what they wanted to do.
"Kenny, what do you think we should do?" Kyle asked; he viewed this road trip as a chance to try new things. One of them would be to give Kenny a chance to make decisions with this group.
"I don't care," he replied; he could probably eat something, but he wasn't exactly hungry. Plus he wanted to get to Nebraska as soon as possible and was hoping to avoid certain towns along the way. Butters gave him a look and he shrugged, "What do you wanna do?" he asked.
"Um... well if we got to driving now we'd probably get to Nebraska at 10 if we drove through the night. Or we could stop somewhere along the way to sleep, but I think we could wait to eat for a couple hours." Cartman whined in aggravation and Kenny nodded.
"Okay, then we can do that. Is that okay, Kyle?"
"Well, what do you wanna do dude?" Kenny groaned and shrugged his shoulders; however, at the same time a long high-pitched whine came from his stomach, that turned into a low growl. Kenny's cheeks flared red and he punched his stomach to quiet it. Butters laughed in slight disbelief and Stan blinked in shock.
"The fuck was that?" Cartman blurted, poking Kenny's stomach in hopes it would make the noise again. Kenny covered his body with his hands and hid his face in his hoodie as he blushed in embarrassment, "dude you're skinny as fuck. He needs to eat McDonald's, stat."
"Kenny's stomach wins," Kyle said with a grin. Butters nodded and giggled as Kenny tightened his hoodie strings.
They did stop at Mcdonald's, as Cartman ordered them to do so, on the way out of Boulder. Kenny didn't really know what to order so Butters chose for him, not that Kenny minded. They sat at a table, mainly because Cartman's girth didn't allow anyone enough room in a booth comfortably. Stan was already halfway done with his food by the time Kyle sat down with his salad, and Butters was watching him in shock. Kenny took a bite out of his chicken sandwich, shrugged, then continued eating it.
"You've seriously never eaten at McDonald's?" Stan asked as he ate his second cheeseburger. Kenny shrugged his shoulders.
"Uh... a couple times, when we had enough money to go out to eat, anyway." Kyle gazed at the blonde with a solemn expression as he realized what exactly Kenny meant by his words; to him fast food was like dining out in a nice restaurant. As he looked at Butters, he knew his boyfriend understood that as well. Kenny smirked as he swallowed the bite in his mouth and leaned toward Kyle, "Ohhhh, Eric, it tastes just like you..." Cartman's eyes widened as Kenny stuck his finger in the mayonnaise and licked it with the tip of his tongue. Butters, Stan, and Kyle all cracked up as Cartman stared in disgust and shock.
"You're fucking sick in the head, dude."
"Mmm... Cartman-y." Kenny snickered, which turned into full-fledged giggles.
"You sound like a chick, Kinny."
"Huh?" Kenny asked curiously; his smile faded slightly.
"You sound so much like a chick right now, it's fuckin' weak, dude." Kenny furrowed his eyebrows and didn't reply as he pulled the chicken patty from the rest of the sandwich.
"I don't think you sound like a girl, Ken..." Butters replied with a smile; he knew Cartman was saying that because he was tired of being picked on. Cartman scoffed as he ate his second pack of large fries.
"Butters, his voice is higher than yours, he sounds like a fucking chick."
"Fuck you!" Kenny cried angrily, intentionally trying to lower the pitch of his voice. Cartman just laughed at him and the blonde grimaced as he finished his sandwich. He grumbled furiously to himself as he picked at his fries; Stan couldn't help but laugh as he caught a few of the words he was mumbling.
"Dude, you don't sound like a girl, Cartman just sounds like he's talking from his third chin so his pitch is a little off." Kyle snorted as he laughed and Kenny looked up at him with a crack of a smile.
"Ey! Shut it, hipster!"
"I'm not a hipster, Jesus Christ!" Stan yelled. Several people looked at him and he covered his face in his hands as he reddened slightly. "and Kenny doesn't sound like a girl."
"So, do we want to stop about every hour or two hours?" Kyle asked, intentionally changing the subject.
"Hour, until eight. Then wherever we are, we get a hotel and sleep. I'm not driving all the way there tonight." Stan shrugged.
"We ration Cartman's drinks and we can stop every two hours."
"Ey!"
"So then we can stop at Greeley, then Sterling, from here? Does that sound good?"
"Or we could go to Fort Collins, then Sterling." Kenny suggested, Kyle tilted his head.
"That's kinda outta the way..." Butters squeezed Kenny's hand as he sighed and shrugged. "I honestly think we could make it to Lincoln by ten." Cartman groaned in annoyance and shook his head as he practically inhaled his Big Mac.
"Let's do that." Stan said, then looked at Kyle's phone, "are you seriously looking at Google Maps?"
"I'm just trying to guesstimate!"
Butters stood up and cleared the trays from the table. When he returned they were still talking, and arguing, about the route. Stan sided with Kyle and Cartman was on another rant about Kyle's "sneaky Jew" ways. Kenny looked bored as he twirled his last fry around the table absentmindedly as he half-paid attention to their argument.
"It's not a big fucking deal," he finally snapped, causing his three friends to turn to him, "Cartman's just gonna keep on bitching about Kyle bein' a Jew, Kyle's gonna eventually beat the shit outta him and I'll end up with a missing tooth, Stan's gonna try to calm you both down, Lee is gonna get nervous and ask to compromise, and I'm gonna sit here wondering the point of this argument. Eric, grow a pair, I wanna get to Lincoln tonight. It's two hours extra. Big fuckin' deal. Everybody calm their titties." Stan nodded and looked to Kyle, who smiled smugly in Cartman's direction. The chubby boy flipped him off and Butters rubbed his shoulders.
"The Princess has spoken..."
"Kay, then let's head out."
"I gotta take a shit first," Cartman said. Kyle wrinkled his nose when he heard that information and Stan rolled his eyes as he smiled.
"If you're more than five minutes we're leaving," Kyle snapped as he left the fast food restaurant.
"You can't rush the miracle of life!" Kenny chuckled at his outburst as he followed Kyle to the Hyundai with Butters under his arm. His stomach gurgled a little and Butters stared at it with an amused grin.
"Still hungry?"
"So the endless pit says," Kenny replied as he poked his flat stomach. Butters raised his shirt and kissed the pallid skin quickly, then put his hand on it. "Sorry to disappoint, but there's no baby in there."
"You mean you lied to me?!" Butters cried jokingly yet wore a horrified expression, Stan looked at them curiously. Kenny fake cried and put his hands on his chest.
"I faked it! I was desperate for you to love me! I'm sorry!" Kenny exclaimed as he wiped his dry eyes. Butters giggled and patted his stomach again before he stood up once more. Kyle shook his head as he laughed and Stan raised his eyebrows.
"His stomach spoke to me," Butters said as he tried not to laugh. He turned his head and Kenny snickered quietly as they sat in the back of the car.
"My stomach doesn't speak, it murmurs." Kyle laughed in disbelief and shook his head at Kenny, who grinned. Butters patted his stomach once again and sighed as he looked out the window.
By the time Cartman trudged to the car they would have been well on their way to I-80. Kyle glared daggers at him as he sat down next to Kenny and sighed in content.
"I was expecting a baby for how long that took," Kenny mumbled; he raised an eyebrow as Cartman flipped him off and pulled his backpack onto his lap. The two blondes in the back groaned as they watched him pull out a candy bar and Double Dew.
"No, Cartman!" Kyle yelled as he pulled out of the McDonald's parking lot.
"You're just jealous 'cause you're on your period and you want my chocolate."
"Guys don't get periods, dumb fuck!"
"Well, you're not a guy, Kahl." Stan scoffed and smirked as he turned around to face the three.
"Trust me, he's a guy." He said with a lewd laugh that seemed to be contagious. Kenny fell into quiet hysterics that made Butters giggle. Cartman just glared at them all as he finished his candy bar and can of Double Dew.
They all fell into the same routine of random talks and moments of silence as they drove down the interstate. Stan complained about the music when every other song played, Cartman complained about Kyle's driving, Kyle complained about drivers, and Kenny and Butters tried to ignore them and see how long they could make out before anyone noticed.
Fifteen minutes had passed with Stan, Cartman, and Kyle throwing insults back and forth at one another and feeding off of the almost anger that radiated from one another. Butters, meanwhile, was being taught the "silent technique" that Kenny was apparently the master of. As his eyes flicked between the other three boys, Kenny, and looking out the window, he tried to control his breathing and found it extremely difficult to not be at least a little vocal. However, he noticed Kenny was even-breathed and completely silent as Butters' palmed him through his jeans.
The bright blonde shook with quiet laughter as he tried to cope with his growing arousal and the need to be silent about it. Kenny's mouth was just too good at everything to keep quiet; plus Kenny liked him being vocal. Kenny smiled against the soft skin of the nape of his neck as he lowered his head once more to gently suck on the skin.
"Oh what the fuck, sick! Bad Kinny! Bad Butters!" Kenny snorted and his shoulders shook as he slowly lifted his head. Butters' felt his cock twitch at the eyes he finally settled on Cartman. He knew that look all too well.
"I am a bad boy..." Kenny purred lowly, "what're ya gonna do about it, big boy?"
"DUDE!" Stan cried as he gave a surprised laugh. Cartman held up his hands as Kenny scooted closer to him.
"No! Weak, fucking gross, dude! I know I'm sexy but lay the fuck off!" Kenny scoffed and rolled his eyes. He turned his attention back to Butters, who said, "was that sass?"
"Yeah, Kenny can be pretty sassy." The blonde held up his middle finger as he kissed Butters' lips softly once more. They both seemed to calm down as they touched lips and tongues and felt that familiar yet always pleasing pressure.
"Kenny, I think I know the answer, but... you've never had a crush on Cartman, have you?" Kyle asked in a voice that made everyone think the words were physically painful to say. Kenny moaned quietly as he pulled away from Butters'; their lips smacked quietly as they unlocked and Butters smiled with heavily-lidded eyes as he settled back in his seat.
"Fuck that, the only reason I'd say yeah is 'cause he has such big tits." Kenny was just joking but the glare from Cartman made him fear for his life. Cartman had slimmed down significantly and he didn't really have the normal "man boob" look, although he was a little flabby there. He was a little flabby everywhere, Kenny figured, but he didn't want to think about it too much. "I've only really liked a few people. I always thought you two were hot though. Did you have a crush on Cartman?"
"He says that so nonchalantly..." Stan trailed off as he turned around.
"No!" Kyle cried in disgust.
"Hey, I got nothin' to hide. Ask me anything, I swear on Karen's life I'll only tell the truth!"
"How big's your dick?" Kenny raised an eyebrow at Cartman before he waggled both of them. He smirked as he thought for a moment.
"Uh, last I checked it was like... 7 inches, but it's not super thick, kinda just average on that, I think. But that was awhile ago, it hasn't really changed much other than scars and I changed the piercing." Stan's mouth was open in pure shock and Butters was red in the face as he looked at Kenny.
"No... filter..." Kyle mumbled with his eyes on the road. Kenny could see he was blushing.
"He asked, I told him!" Kenny cried, Cartman shuddered violently and made gagging noises. "I filtered that, by the way. I woulda said a lot more if I hadn't expected this reaction. You guys know everything about me, I'm just comfortable with you."
"That's great and all but if everyone starts shouting out their dick sizes I'm gonna jump out of this car." Kyle grinned.
"6 and 3/4," he chirped brightly then looked at Stan who was beet red as he shook his head, "he said he'll jump out of the car, Stan, pleeeeeaaaaaassssseeeee?"
"Fiiiine," he grumbled, "7 was the last time I checked." Cartman turned to Butters who was looking out the window as he tried to ignore the conversation. Kenny poked his side and he squeaked a little as he spun to face him.
"Are you joining in on this?" He asked, Butters blushed darkly and shrugged before he shook his head.
"I just... don't really..." Kenny smiled softly and nodded as he patted his shoulder.
"If you're not comfortable then it's cool, we're just messin' around anyway, I mean mine is seven inches? Please. We know I've got a ten inch." Butters snorted and laughed a little, which caused Kyle and Stan to snicker at his response.
"I seriously hate you guys..." Cartman hissed angrily as he hit his head on the window.
Finally Cartman's playlist finished playing and Stan switched it with one of his CDs. Kenny smiled softly as he heard it was their recent recording session.
"This is the first time anyone has heard this, be proud, muses." Stan said with a smile as the guitars, bass, and drums began to pick up in a beat they all, even Butters, happened to recognize.
"You seriously did "All in the Family?"" Kyle asked, shaking his head.
"Duh, that's like the best Korn song ever."
"No, no, no..." Kenny said quietly, ""Here to Stay", definitely. Or "Blind"; I mean I love "All in the Family" but if you think it's the best we gotta jam to Korn more." Stan rolled his eyes as he looked back at Kenny.
"What about "Word Up!" or "A.D.I.D.A.S.?"" Stan asked, then narrowed his eye on him, "Kenny, you feelin' okay?" Butters furrowed his eyebrows as he gazed at Kenny.
"Uh... yeah?" he asked slowly, confused as Butters pressed his lips to his forehead.
"You're just a little flushed, but-"
"Well yeah, Lee, I'm crammed next to Cartman who has the body temperature of the sun..." he said with a smile, "I feel fine." Butters sighed heavily and felt his forehead once more. "Plus I helped Kevin fix up a car yesterday."
"Okay..." Stan said, then turned around, "we should do a cover of "Shoots and Ladders"," Kenny snorted.
"I don't play bagpipes."
"You love it down south
And boy, you sure do got a purdy mouth..." Kyle let out a high pitched laugh as Kenny used a southern accent on the recording. Butters raised his eyebrows at Kenny, who blushed darkly.
"The fuck was that?" Cartman asked as he listened to the song more closely. Kenny shrugged and sighed softly as he tried to stretch his legs out.
"Part of the song..." Kenny replied. He grimaced as his stomach squirmed uneasily and Butters tilted his head. Kenny shook his and closed his eyes as he listened to the song.
"And I love you!"
"And I want you!"
"And I'll suck you!"
"And I'll fuck you!"
"And I'll butt-fuck you!"
"And I'll eat you!"
"And I'll lick your little dick, motherfucka!"
"Say what? Say, what?
What? Say what?" Kenny and Stan took turns screaming the last verse at each other before they burst out laughing on the recording.
"C'mere, Stanny! I wanna fuuuuuuck you!"
"Oh, Ken, this is so wrong..." Kyle snickered and tried to focus on the road. Butters shook with silent laughter.
"Shh... that's right, I'll make you feel real good. Ya really do gots yoself a purdy mouth."
"Why thank ya."
"I'LL FUCK IT WITH MAH DICK, BITCH!"
"Kenny, stop, Jesus Christ!" Stan laughed loudly and a banging was heard on the recording. "You okay?"
"No, I'm dead."
"Well shit, necrophilia?"
"I guess I was bored..." Kenny snickered, "hey... Stan, how high can your voice go? Like in a moan? We should totally add that in at the end."
"I thought this was the end."
"...oh. Shit, son!"
"But I dunno, I've never tested it."
"Just go like..." Kenny trailed off, "Mmm... yeah baby... oh God, fuck, yes fuck, ohohohohohohhhhhh!" He trailed off in a voice only heard on porn-star females. "Fuck my pussy."
Kyle snorted as he laughed hysterically, he even pulled over to the side because he kept closing his eyes. Cartman stared with a slack jaw at Kenny, and Butters had crossed his legs. Stan was laughing quietly.
"Kenny, you don't have a pussy."
"Shh... make believe, Stanley. MAKE ME FUCKING BELIEVE!" Kenny laughed on the recording, "wait, so if I had a pussy you'd fuck it?"
"No!" Stan cried.
"Way to get my hopes up. Ahh well, I can get that purdy mouth to do all kinds o' things, can't I?"
"Uh-huh... right. Keep dreaming."
"How high can your voice go?"
"I'm not doing it."
"I will make you!"
"That's called rape."
"I can't rape your vocal chords. Can I get Kyle to make you do it?"
"No."
"You're no fun. I wonder what having a vag would be like..."
"Gross. If you think about it they're nasty."
"So's a dick, I mean you pee out of it and it goes up a... well, in our case a butt. Which is like... ew."
"Okay, valley girl Kenny."
"Like, oh my God, Stan, you're such a... a... like... an ew."
"I'm an ewe?"
"No, an ew. Like, ew." Stan laughed loudly and Kenny snickered with his mouth closed over the stereo.
"Sometimes I wonder how you're not a chick."
"I don't have titties. I'd be a disappointing chick. But hot. What, does the thought of me as a girl cross your mind often?"
"Only when I'm jerkin' it."
"I can go be Princess Kenny for you..."
"Mmmm... tempting."
"Uh-huh, nah, that thing wouldn't fit."
"It probably would, you haven't grown much... horizontally." Kenny snorted.
"That dress wouldn't cover my ass."
"Cute." Kenny gave a high-pitched giggle and Stan burst out laughing, "okay, I can't... I'm done. Forfeit."
"YES! I win again!"
"Whore."
"Cunt-fucker."
"Cum-swapper."
"Mmm... yummy."
"Sick!"
Stan calmed his laughter as the song died out. He liked listening to him and Kenny just mess around after the songs; of course their talking was cut out from the sold CDs but the demos they all listened to had it; as if it would be some great memory for the future.
Kyle still laughed as he switched gears and waited for the cars to pass so he could get back on the road. Their song "The Delicate Kicker and the Pleasure Anaconda", written completely by Kenny, played and Stan grinned. Kenny, however, grimaced.
"Kyle don't go yet," Kenny murmured as he unbuckled and carefully yet quickly climbed over Butters.
"Why...?" Kenny's eyes flickered to Butters' momentarily as he tried to open the door. Butters pulled the lock and he practically fell out of the car from leaning on the door.
His question was answered by the Kenny gagging and retching as he threw up the contents of his stomach. Butters unbuckled and rubbed his back as he heaved on the ground.
"Whaaat?" Stan asked to no one in particular once the sound of his vomiting had quieted to spitting Butters let go of his hair and squeezed his shoulder once before he scooted to the middle seat so Kenny could be by the window in case he threw up again.
"I guess my stomach can't handle that which is Cartman," Kenny mumbled hoarsely as he popped a piece of gum in his mouth. Butters grinned and Kyle laughed quietly as he pulled back onto the interstate.
Cartman complained about having to sit next to Butters yet he soon quieted down as he began to text someone. Kenny rested his head on Butters' shoulder and closed his eyes; Butters could tell he was still awake but let him rest. He ran his fingers through his hair and kissed the top of his head gingerly as they drove in silence.
They listened to Stan and Kenny's CD for the next hour; Butters and Kyle smiled as they heard Stan sing along quietly. To Butters this felt right and normal; they were all just comfortable in the silent company of one another and although they could probably find a lot to talk about the silence was nice. He was glad to have time with his friends and felt this was a needed break from everything, reality even. It was just the five of them looking at colleges but to Butters it was hanging out. Technically there wasn't much they could do on the trip but it was nice to get out of South Park, and even Colorado, for once.
"What's something no one knows about you?" Kyle asked to no one in particular. Stan looked at him as if he were stupid, to which Kyle quipped, "I'm just curious." Cartman scoffed as he texted continuously and Butters rubbed his hands together.
"Remember when Paris Hilton came to town?" He asked, Kyle and Stan nodded, "I fingered her."
From his shoulder, Kenny burst out laughing. Not just his normal quiet chortle, but full on, gut-wrenching laughter that shook his whole body, as if he had heard the funniest joke in the world. "I didn't like it, maybe that's why I'm gay." To that, he laughed even more and Butters was honestly a little worried he would die from laughing; apparently it had happened before and Butters didn't want it to happen again.
"You fingered Paris Hilton..." Stan trailed off; his left eye twitched as he stared in awe at the blonde boy who nodded sheepishly. "Didn't she end up going up Mr. Slave's ass or something?" Kyle nodded and looked a little disgusted. "Um... I used to be suicidal. Like, now I'm on anti-depressants and shit and I've gone to therapy for three years. I still go, but only once a month. I'd go every week like two years ago."
"Dying sucks, dude." Kenny mumbled, "you can't do that." Stan turned around and looked at Kenny with a sad smile. Cartman mumbled something incoherently and went back to texting. "Why were you?"
"I just... things aren't easy for me. I mean, I could have it worse but... my doctor wants to test me for bipolar when I'm eighteen, if that explains it better."
"Have you ever had a manic episode?" Butters asked, Stan shrugged.
"I dunno... I can't really tell much anymore because of my medicine."
"So we've got a finger-banger and a nutjob. What about you, Kinny?" Cartman asked as he set down his phone momentarily. The blonde sighed softly as he thought about what he wanted to say.
"Remember when we went to Nebraska for the Cartman Christmas?" Kenny asked, everyone but Butters nodded, "well that's when I gave my first blowjob."
"Huh?" Cartman asked. Kyle turned around.
"Wait..."
"I thought Howard Stern was your first." Kenny shook his head.
"Charles Manson."
"Holy fuck!" Stan cried, covering his mouth as he stared at Kenny, "you willingly gave him a blowjob? That's fucking..."
"I didn't say it was willingly!" Kenny snapped, "I thought he was gonna kill me! I never told anyone, I just figured you all would've laughed." Kyle glanced through the rear-view mirror and smiled sadly at Kenny as he shook his head. Butters looked at Kenny in mild surprise; he didn't even know that about him. Then again, he never told Kenny about Paris Hilton, so he couldn't be upset.
"Maybe that's what made you a fuckin' queer," Cartman suggested, Kenny rolled his eyes.
"No, that was seeing you in the locker room everyday, sweet cheeks," the blonde retorted sarcastically. Cartman growled darkly as he glared at Kenny through violent hazel eyes. He ignored this, however, and rested on Butters once more.
"Well, mine is... I have a not-girlfriend."
"Wendy," they all said. Cartman's face turned beet red as he looked at them with a dropped jaw.
"The fuck?! Seriously?!"
"Dude, you guys have been one step from fucking each other for years," Kenny replied, "congrats though. I've always wondered how her titties feel." Stan and Cartman both rolled their eyes. Butters hit his arm lightly and Kenny smiled as he kissed his cheek.
"No, really, as much as it pains me to say it, congratulations Cartman. I'm glad you finally put us all out of our misery," Kyle said as he continued driving. "Can someone take over driving at the next rest stop?" Stan nodded and Cartman cleared his throat.
"Kahl, what's your deep dark secret? I'm waiting..." Cartman pushed in a sing-song voice. Kyle sighed heavily as he passed a semi-truck and kept his eyes on the road.
"I... might be going blind," the redhead admitted in a sad voice, "I've been taking good care of myself but... this year at my eye exam I told my doctor I've been seeing dark spots and my vision goes blurry. It turns out I have retinopathy and it's not advanced enough for treatment but..." he trailed off as he turned to Stan, who looked like he had seen his dog get hit by a car.
"What...?" he whispered, looking to Kyle with fear and worry in his eyes. "You... you can't."
"Wait, you're driving and you're going blind? The fuck?! Are you trying to kill us?!" Cartman yelled angrily. Kenny reached behind Butters and punched him in the arm.
"When the fuck were you gonna tell me?" Stan asked in a voice that sounded more hurt than angry. Kyle sighed heavily and shrugged his shoulders as he kept his eyes on the road. "'Cause I think as your fiance I deserve to know that one day we may wake up and you won't be able to see a damn thing."
"It won't work like that, Stan..."
"I don't fucking care!"
"Wait, hoooooold up!" Cartman cried, "you're engaged?!"
"For like... six months, where have you been?" Kyle asked as he turned into the rest area. "Stan, you're not driving. We need to talk. Cartman, you have ten minutes to do what you need to do." Kyle shut off the car and got out quickly. Stan followed suit and Cartman ran straight for the bathrooms.
"You fingered Paris Hilton." Kenny said with a grin slowly creeping on his face.
"You never told me about Charles Manson."
"I honestly kinda forgot about it, this trip reminded me. Maybe he's the reason I'm such a whore!" Butters rolled his eyes and smiled as he kissed Kenny tenderly.
"You're not a whore, you're just my cockslut." Kenny let out an awkward laugh as he pressed his nose to Butters'. The smaller of the two looped his arms around Kenny's neck and stared into his eyes. He loved the hypnotic colors; he swore he could get lost in them. The darker blue fought for dominance against green flecks that seemed to lighten his eyes and an almost golden halo surrounded the pupil. They glittered as he smiled and Butters couldn't help himself as he smiled back.
"Lee?" Kenny asked quietly, not breaking away from Butters as he spoke. Butters tilted his head yet their noses still touched. "I got you something."
"Why?" Butters asked in slight surprise, he didn't mean to sound rude. Kenny didn't look hurt as he laughed and shrugged his shoulders.
"'Cause I wanted to?" Butters smiled and finally pulled away from Kenny as he opened what Butters knew as his drug bag, a bright purple cloth bag that held various drug paraphernalia. He pulled out a small jewelry box and Butters' eyes widened.
"Kenny, that's not..." He watched as Kenny opened the box and his eyes widened. "What." Was all he could say; he couldn't be proposing, he wasn't ready. Although he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Kenny he just thought it was too soon. But the way Kenny looked and smiled made him feel at ease.
"It's not an engagement ring, it's a claddagh ring. I got one for me too."
"A what-ah ring? Kenny laughed a little as he pulled out another black box and showed him an identical ring.
"Claddagh, it's Irish. My mom had one for a wedding ring instead of the normal engagement and wedding ring combo thingy. See, what you do... is you can wear it on the right hand with the heart to the fingers which says you're single. Or the opposite way to say you're in a relationship. Then on your left hand with the heart down it means you're engaged and with the heart pointing to the wrist it means you're married. That's how mom explained it to me." Butters smiled as Kenny pulled out the ring and examined the intricate heart, hands, and crown engraving. He didn't quite understand it yet it was a dazzling silver and Butters thought the detail was incredible.
"I love it," Butters said happily as he held out his hands, "you should put it on whichever way you want." Kenny smiled and shrugged as he slipped it on his left ring finger. "So, we're engaged?"
"I dunno, it can be whatever you want it to be."
"Well, what do you want it to be?" Kenny shrugged his shoulders and held Butters' hand as he gazed at the ring.
"I don't see us... as boyfriends, or dating..." Butters furrowed his eyebrows, "we're kismet."
"Kismet?"
"If you let Kyle know I know what that means he'll make me do my own homework, so shh." Butters rolled his eyes and laughed softly while he gazed at Kenny with glittering eyes. "But like... I don't know what it is about you, Leopold, I just... there's something there, something else, and I don't know if the way I feel is... part of my curse... but if it is then that's the one thing I love about it. It's like, I can feel it, deep down, something has been and will be taking place. It's weird... like transcendental... but I don't think about labels and I think marriage has been corrupted. People claim the sanctity is there and how sacred it is yet the whole idea for marriage was to have children. Now people left and right, married, unmarried, single... they're all having babies. Times have changed. So why the fuck do I need a few words, a document, a fucked up law, or a fucking minister or justice of the peace or whatever to prove how I feel about you? What I feel and what I know I want for the rest of my life is only our business. I just love you, Lee, I love you so fucking much it scares the shit outta me. Because I don't know what's gonna happen to us... or for us... and I can't think about it. You're my missing puzzle piece, my best half... you're everything to me," Kenny spoke softly; the vulnerability was evident in his voice; every word trembled and wavered with pure emotion. Butters could almost see it.
Butters sobbed as he embraced Kenny in the tightest hug he could muster. He held his face in his hands as their foreheads touched. Kenny smiled as he wiped the happiest tears Butters had ever shed from his damp cheeks and placed countless tiny kisses on his parted lips.
"Metaphysically speaking..." Butters began in a weepy voice, He sniffled and laughed as Kenny grinned toothily, exposing almost inhuman canines, "did we just become husbands?" Kenny laughed with his mouth closed while his thumb brushed away more tears. "Or whatever the metaphysical word for husband is, Mr. I-Only-Pretend-to-be-Stupid." Kenny's nose crinkled as he laughed and Butters couldn't help but stare at his sun-kissed, lightly freckled cheeks that made the green in Kenny's eyes stand out more than usual.
"In some dimension we're married, in another we hate each other, in yet another I'm probably dead-" Butters interrupted him with a teary laugh and half-sob. "In this one... you're my kismet. However that makes you feel; if that screams husband to you, then so be it."
"...have you been watching Doctor Who?" Kenny snickered and shook his head as he stroked Butters' cheek, "How about you're mine... and I'm yours?" The dark blonde nodded and breathed a quiet, "mhmm" as he finally leaned in and captured his lips in the kiss Butters had been waiting for. "Wait..." Butters said, looking at Kenny's bare fingers. He grabbed the black box with the ring still inside and slipped it onto his left ring finger; the heart's point was aimed for his wrist. Kenny beamed and let out a happy mewl as Butters dove in to kiss him.