Author's Note: I don't have much to say about this one except no, there isn't a corn statue of a cow in the center of Lincoln. I would cry... of laughter, mostly. Little bit of shame. Buuuuut if you do go trespassing either at a certain haunted park that may or may not have been in the last chapter, or the most haunted cemetery in Nebraska, or just general trespassing... you will most likely get shot at. Sometimes by albinos. Always by hicks. Proceed to do these things with caution... I'm just saying.
Chapter Forty-Four: With Many Years Ahead to Fall in Line
"Are you sure this is going to work?" Stan whispered to Kenny as they sat at a booth in the back of a bar in downtown Lincoln four hours later. The blonde gave a nod as he handed the menu to Kyle, who grimaced yet looked it over.
The server approached and smiled at the five of them, before looking to Stan. She smiled and opened her note pad.
"Hi, my name is Kelsey and I'll be your server tonight. What can I start you boys off to drink?" Kenny pursed his lips, looked at the menu, then shrugged as he smiled warmly at her. Butters rolled his eyes as he caught the gleam in his eye and the pull at the corners of his mouth; he was trying to butter her up, and it always worked. Every damn time; he didn't understand how or why.
"I think I'll have a water, and a pitcher of Guinness Draught," he answered, and flashed his pearly whites. She smiled wider and tilted her head slightly.
"Can I see some ID?" Kenny scoffed and his eyes locked on hers as he pulled out his wallet. Kyle's knuckles were white and he gripped the menu tightly.
"Sure thing," he said coolly, flipping his wallet around. Cartman raised an eyebrow yet said nothing. Butters caught sight of a Colorado ID that was definitely not his license.
"Okay," she said with a smile, then looked to Butters, "and you, sweetie?" She asked. Butters looked to Kenny, who gave a nod and smiled.
"U-uh... I-I'll have a umm... iced tea? Or water. Water." She smiled and jotted that down, then looked at him with her hand on her hip.
"And lemme guess, you're 22 as well?" She teased as she wrote down his order. Kenny chuckled and Butters shook his head.
"A-actually, I'm 23, I just left m-my license back at the hotel. I'm real sorry," She looked between Kenny and Butters, and her jaw dropped slightly.
"You're telling me he's older than you?" She asked in disbelief; Kenny nodded with a smug grin.
"Yup."
"I wouldn't say he's a day over seventeen," Kyle scoffed and Kenny shrugged as he gave her a slight waggle of his eyebrows.
"It's why everyone thinks he's so cute," Kenny said with a smirk, then nodded to Stan, who cleared his throat.
Once everyone ordered their drinks and Kenny made up the somehow passable excuse that they were all in fact, in the twenty-two and twenty-three year range and they were too stupid to bring any form of identification with them, she brought the pitcher, along with mugs, and the waters ordered along with it.
"You are such a shithead," Stan said with a smirk, "I declare a toast to Kenny, for pulling this shit outta his ass."
"My glorious ass!" He chirped with a grin. The raven-haired boy rolled his eyes and gave a nod.
"Fine, his glorious ass," they all clinked glasses and took a simultaneous gulp. Butters made a face and Kenny raised an eyebrow.
"You don't like it?" Butters shrugged, "you're more of a mixer."
"You're telling me you've gotten Butters to drink?" Kyle asked. Kenny gave a nod and eyed the waitress who was watching them from a distance.
"Course I have, what d'you think we do every Saturday?" Butters blushed as he sipped his water. Kenny rubbed his knee under the table and squeezed gently.
"She is totally checking you out," Stan said as his eyes flicked away from the waitress. Kenny turned around and followed her gaze; it landed on Butters. He snickered and nudged his boyfriend, who furrowed his eyebrows.
"Wait, me?!" He whispered shrilly. Kenny nodded with a beam and Stan reached a hand to the bright blonde, who softly high-fived him. "I've never... besides Lisa Berger... no girl has ever..."
"Bull. Shit." Kyle and Kenny both said. They looked at each other and their smiles widened.
"Okay, who's liked me?"
"Dude, Bebe is totally down for a threeway with you and me." Kyle choked on his drink and went red in the face as he forced down the beer. He coughed roughly in his hand and grimaced as Stan reached over and patted his back. Cartman snickered next to Kenny. "I didn't say I was!"
"Dude, you so would." Stan countered. Kenny made a face, then shrugged.
"I'm also open to a four-way with you two but that's never gonna happen."
"I'll give birth before I agree to a four-way with you," Kyle quipped with a smirk and, for added measure, winked at Kenny.
"We can just go talk to Mephesto's protege..." Kyle huffed and threw his straw wrapper at the blonde. "And I'm pretty sure Ruby Tucker thought you were hot for awhile."
"But she's like... a little sister..." Butters made a face, "and that's probably 'cause Karen thought Craig was hot like three years ago." Kenny curled his lip in a slight scowl, "sorry..."
"Anyway, girls have liked you. You're good-looking and sweet, though it's kinda obvious you're gay." Kyle said sincerely. Butters grimaced as his cheeks heated even more. Kenny chuckled and rubbed his thigh a little. "And she is checking you out."
"You sure it's not Kenny?" The dark blonde scoffed and ruffled his hair. He shook his head and just gave a smile as he took another drink. Butters couldn't help but smile; the thought that a girl actually thought he was physically attractive made him feel... oddly confident. Not that it would ever mean something for him; it was just very flattering. He didn't feel so feminine, although he didn't usually mind that feeling; he embraced his love of wearing girl clothes and pink and purple, but there were times he wanted to be recognized as masculine. As a man. Those moments were few and far between; yet they had always been with Kenny.
Their waitress returned with their food, Butters had ordered nachos, and she hung around and talked to them for a few minutes. Stan did most of the talking this time, yet Butters felt her eyes constantly flicker to him and his cheeks grew darker and darker as he stared at his food. Kenny wore a knowing smirk yet said nothing as he sorted his fries by size; he ate the smaller ones first.
"Let me know if you boys need anything else, alright?" She chirped happily, gave a wider smile to Butters, then bounced away happily. Kenny shook his head, his mouth full of cheeseburger, and gave a thumbs up to his boyfriend. Butters just rolled his eyes.
"Shouldn't you be all possessive and shit instead of encouraging him?" Cartman asked in confusion, setting down his already half eaten double-burger. Kenny shrugged his shoulders.
"I have nothing to worry about, and Butters doesn't either. It's why he lets me goof around with you two, I think..." Butters nodded. "Damn, I thought you were going to say it was hot."
"No, it mostly makes me laugh," he chirped, earning a barking laugh from Kyle, who had felt his response was perfect. Kenny just stuck out his tongue.
"Do all fag relationships work like that?" Stan shook his head.
"There isn't a difference between a homosexual relationship and a heterosexual relationship, dude. It's like... how do you feel about Wendy? It's the same for us... and anyone else. Everyone is just different. Butters and Kenny are super open and honest, and we're pretty much the same as we always have been. Except at the end of the night we're usually fucking instead of playing video games until we pass out. Usually." Kyle wrinkled his nose as he laughed quietly while he sent adoring eyes in Stan's direction. Cartman made a slight grimace, as if this somehow made sense. "You and Wendy just yell at each other but you've got a shit ton in common. Like, I never realized it before." Cartman shrugged, his cheeks a little pink, and seemed distracted by his beer. "Dude, chill. You're like all fucking secretive about your relationship."
"Yeah, it's not like we haven't seen this day coming for the past five years." Butters snorted and gave a nod.
"The Candy Cartmanburger Quarrels... I never thought they'd end." Kenny said with a small laugh. Cartman smirked.
"They won't ever end, dude." Kyle even grinned at this. "And where'd you get that fucked up name?"
"Bebe, that's what Bebe called it. Like a mixing of your names, like Brangelina. Or Bennifer. Or Style Barfsh."
"Style Barfsh?" Stan said with a smirk. Kenny nodded vigorously.
"It's Style Marshlovksi, ass."
"Lame," Butters teased.
"It's better than Bunny McStotch!"
"Wouldn't it be McStotchick?" Kenny asked. Kyle shrugged.
"I'd wanna add another "k" so it was "kick" though."
"Oh my fucking God we're lame." Cartman exclaimed as he slammed his forehead in the palm of his hand. Kyle raised an eyebrow yet said nothing as he picked at his food. "We're discussing portmanteaus. We're dudes, not fucking chicks watching stupid chick flick movies while synching our girly bit problem moments."
"Girly bits?" Kenny teased with a smirk but knew he had a point. He couldn't quite remember when their conversations progressed from junior-high level humor, crazy ideas, hilarious nonsense, and constant offhand insults to relationships. But that moment he realized they were all doing the inevitable; growing up. Suddenly he felt sick; he was not having it, not now. Not when they were just into the last summer before they potentially went their separate ways. "But yeah, we're fucking lame. We have to do something awesome, like... legendary."
"Okay, Barney Stinson..." Kyle grumbled, Stan rolled his eyes yet smiled a little, "what do you have in mind?" Kenny turned to Butters, who looked at him curiously, yet wore a fond expression as he smiled at him.
"Um... well what can we do in Nebraska, Cartman? Like, to leave a mark that says "the boys were here" and would be totally kick ass." Stan grinned and Kyle scoffed but Kenny was resilient. He wanted to do this. They had to. He was not going to let his friends fall into their couple-hood when they're seventeen years old. They had to live.
"We can go mudding," Cartman suggested flatly, "'cept there's no fucking mud."
"We should steal something!" Butters chirped in an excitedly hushed voice. His boyfriend turned to him with an astonished expression, then shrugged.
"Or we can just-"
"No, Kyle, we're not just going back to the hotel." Kenny grumbled, "we're leaving tomorrow. We have to do something!"
"Well you and Butters both got hurt, we can do something tomorrow." Kenny scoffed and eyed Stan, who looked sympathetically at him as he held Kyle's hand from under the table.
"I got it!" Cartman announced with a grin, "and you're gonna love it. All we need is some spray paint, and the Jew's car."
"What?!" Kyle cried, his left eye twitched as he glared at the chubby boy, who leaned in closer to the table. Both Kenny and Butters followed, and after Stan did as well, Kyle groaned in annoyance and listened to his plan.
After he finished speaking, Kenny narrowed his eyes.
"You're sure we can do this?" Cartman nodded slowly.
"My cousins and I do shit like this all the time. People here are too fucking stupid," he received a glare from a man who sat at the bar, and decided to flip him off. "They think everything is sunshine and happy corn-fed cows, everything is fucking yellow here. They're too fucking happy and cheery and stupid. I hate them all."
"All right... we have now been introduced to the goth side of Cartman, Raven, you gonna weigh in here?" Kenny teased, earning a dark glare from his black-haired friend. Kyle, on the other hand, snickered, which turned into a laughing fit. Butters kept his eyes low and his smile lower as he nibbled on his nachos as he listened intently.
"Whatever," Stan grumbled as he stabbed his ketchup with a fry. Butters could see Kyle's bicep move back and forth slightly and knew he was rubbing his leg comfortingly. Just like how Kenny kept squeezing his knee every so often.
"Before we go through with this... we're never coming back to Nebraska again, right?" Kyle asked quietly; the main point of their trip hadn't even been discussed yet. Although they all knew it was unanimous that they wouldn't be attending college in Nebraska.
"Not you guys, but I have to," Cartman drawled as he finished off the pitcher of beer. Stan shook his head.
"I didn't like their music program as much and I might not even play football in college. It takes up so much fucking time and I'd rather do something in music. Plus Kenny and I have TAB stuff and that's going great so we could focus more on that. Unless you guys wanna go here..." Stan trailed off. Butters shook his head wildly and looked to Kenny who sneered.
"I don't have good memories here..." the bright blonde murmured, "but you guys know 'bout that. An' this is makin' up for it but... I dunno, I'll never get over that, I'm sure..." another squeeze to the knee and a slight nod of Kenny's head was all Butters needed to see and feel. He knew exactly what he meant. "What 'bout you, Ken?" The dark blonde shook his head. "So then you're gonna go to CSU?" Kenny shrugged his shoulders and grimaced. His eyes glanced to Stan who entertained himself with his straw. Kyle noticed this yet said nothing.
"I dunno, maybe. I'm just not interested in looking at colleges right now. I wanna go do something awesome." Butters rolled his eyes and took Kenny's hand.
"Ken... I just... I don't want to go there without you, and... I think you have a real shot at college. I don't like you being so stressed out because you're workin' so much and-"
"Lee, stop... it's okay."
"No, it's not. You're bustin' your butt working as much as you do and... I just think you deserve to do what you love to do." Kenny chuckled and sighed softly as he looked at Butters with a slightly amused expresion on his face. "...what?"
"I have something to tell you guys." the dark blonde announced, eyes fixed on Butters, who nodded slowly, "I'm not looking at colleges because... well you know how I talked to Ms. C a lot last year?"
"That's 'cause you had to," Cartman replied, Kyle coughed loudly and kicked Cartman's shin in retaliation. Kenny rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, but I didn't just talk to her about the... y'know. After awhile she and I just kinda talked and I told her some stuff, and she was on my ass about college. One day she pulled me out of the lab before finals and told me about a program through CSU that I was eligible for... like a college credit course through high school thing, y'know?" He paused, noted the tightness of Butters' hand on his, and the excited look in his eyes, "so I looked into it with her and applied not thinkin' anything of it. But during finals week she told me I was accepted and could start taking some basic graphic design classes through CSU. They cover my first two hours of class and then I just have to take like art, parenting, finance, and I had an open class so I'm takin' choir with you guys."
"So... you're in college?" Kenny shook his head.
"No, they're just classes that will go for credit or something, I dunno. It just works out."
"Oh my God..." Kyle trailed off, dumbfounded, "I always thought I'd be the one taking college course material..." Kenny stuck out his tongue.
"This just proves I'm better than you at everything," Kenny teased with a grin, "but that's why I'm not... interested... I just... yeah..."
"I hate you," Cartman said with a slight scowl. Kenny shrugged his shoulders and grunted as he was squeezed in a tight hug from Butters, who squealed with happiness and kissed his cheek.
"That is amazing, Ken! I'm so happy, does Karen know?!" he shook his head and rested his chin on Butters' shoulder as he wrapped his arms around the smaller boy.
After two more pitchers of beer and nearly too-detailed planning of their attack, the five boys left the restaurant. Butters clung to Kenny's waist and giggled as he stumbled slightly, causing Kenny to struggle with both of their weight.
"I jus'... jus'..." Kyle trailed off, one arm looped over Stan's shoulder, and fell into a laughing fit. Stan shook his head and tightened his hold on Kyle as they walked down the sidewalk, "I wanna be free..."
"I think he's drunk..." Kenny murmured with a smirk. Butters roared with laughter and gripped his shirt tightly as his knees gave out.
"You are free, dude," Stan replied as he fought of his own chortles. He was more than buzzed, but it wasn't enough to get him drunk. The only one he could say was probably more sober than him was Cartman and that was due to the fact his fat absorbed the alcohol... or something.
"Stop, stop..." Kyle said, pulling himself from Stan's grasp. Kenny blinked a couple of times as he saw the grey short sleeve shirt fly off of the redhead's frame, and he sighed happily. "Better." Stan raised an eyebrow as Kyle pulled him close once again. Kenny held Butters up mostly by the back of his thighs and sheer concentration. They continued their path to their hotel as if nothing had happened at all. "It's so fucking hot..." Kyle whined, "I wanna... take off my pants."
"Stan, you really gotta let him drink more," Kenny mumbled. He looked down at Butters who was wobbling with every step and grimaced slightly. Cartman walked slightly ahead; he was embarrassed to be thought of with them, Kenny could tell by the bow of his head every time people did double-takes between him and them.
"Ky, you're not taking off your pants right now."
"Well... you can take 'em off..." Kenny snorted and Butters poked the tip of his nose with his finger.
"It's like... a button. A little button I can fit in my pocket." Butters slurred heavily as he pawed at Kenny's chest, then poked his cheek. The dark blonde cleared his throat as a group of guys eyed them when passing by.
"My nose?" He asked quietly, Butters nodded. Stan was trying not to laugh as Kyle struggled to undo his belt.
"Won't... come... off... Stan heeeeelp." he pouted, pulling at his belt and shaking wildly in an almost obscene way. It was enough to cause his fiance to burst out laughing and take both hands in his.
"No, let's just get you back to the room..."
"I'm gon' be nekkid." Cartman looked back and flipped them off when he heard Kyle's voice. Stan stifled his laughter with his hand and Kenny burrowed his face in Butters' hair as he shook with silent giggles.
"Kay, you do that. But not now." Kyle huffed exasperatedly in response to Stan's order and rested his head on his shoulder.
"Stan... would you love me if I had no legs and arms?" Kenny furrowed his eyebrows and the black haired boy's smile faded. Butters watched with hazy eyes as Stan pulled the shorter boy close and lifted him in his arms. Kyle's legs wrapped around his waist, and their foreheads rested together.
"Course I will, baby. That's like asking me if you'd still love me if I lost all my teeth."
"Eww..."
"Rude." Stan grumbled but smiled sadly at Kyle, who nuzzled his neck. Kenny caught his sad eyes and frowned slightly. Stan gave a nod, as if he understood all of the meaning in that simple look.
"Stan... would you love me if... I... couldn't ever see you again?"
"Stop, Ky..."
"Would you?!" His voice was desperate and his flushed cheeks were wet with tears now as he wrapped himself as tightly as he could around Stan. Butters stopped giggling and tilted his head slightly as he watched Stan run his thumb over his cheek, brushing away the tears, and ran his hands delicately through the auburn curls that fell to the middle of his neck.
"Yes, Kyle. God... I'd love you if you were blind, deaf, and mute, lost all of your limbs, your hair, your teeth, because you're still you. You're still Kyle Malachi Broflovski-"
"Wait, Malachi is his middle name?! Fucking Jew."
"Eric, don't," Butters warned soberly.
"-anyway, you're still that nerdy ushanka wearing Jew boy who is my best friend in the entire world and the only person for me, okay? None of that would change a damn thing. Besides, it's not gonna happen. I won't let it." Kyle sobbed and fiercely cupped Stan's cheeks as he locked their lips together. Kenny cleared his throat and looked away, then rolled his eyes and turned Butters' head away. The bright blonde sniffled and looked up at Kenny with weepy eyes.
"That was beautiful, Ken... so beautiful. I love them. I love them so much it hurts. And you. And even Eric..." Butters outstretched his hands to Cartman who cried out in disgust and ran from them. Kenny hummed quietly and placed his hands on Butters' hips, pulling him closer.
"I think you love everything and everyone."
"I don't love lima beans." Kenny stared at Butters with a twitching eye and burst out laughing. Butters giggled and hugged the taller boy tightly.
Kenny and Stan eventually got Kyle and Butters to the hotel with little distraction, although Kyle tried to take off his pants again. Cartman was laying on his bed by the time they entered their room and was watching some random television show.
"Guys... we still have to do something awesome..." Kenny mumbled as he looked out the window. The sun was beginning to set and the air was cooler, outside as well as in their room, which was a nice change. Kyle managed to shuck his pants off and flop on the bed in what seemed like less than a second; Stan soon joined him, fully clothed.
"We will dude," Stan said, grinning at Kenny as he petted Kyle's head. The shorter, paler boy snuggled into his chest and fit himself in between Stan's legs. His head rested on his lap and he closed his eyes as he focused on the gentle touches. "Just let these two sober up a bit. It needs to be darker out to do it, anyway."
"Kenny! Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny Ke-" he turned around and put his hand over Butters' mouth as a second wind seemed to suddenly hit him. He mumbled something into his palm, causing Kenny to furrow his eyebrows in confusion. He felt Butters lick him, and attempt to bite him, so he pulled his hand away. "We should go... hot tubbing!" He chirped, then pulled Kenny closer, "I have something real important to tell you."
"You're kinda drunk, Lee..."
"Shh... not really, I'm just... happy!" Kenny snorted and shrugged his shoulders as he pulled them to their bags
"I guess we'll be down at the pool, feel free to join us whenever."
"Ima call the ho and then get something to eat. Then I might." Kenny gave Cartman a look, shook his head, and quickly changed into his swim trunks. Butters followed suit and skipped out of the room with Kenny dragging himself slowly behind him.
They sneaked passed the receptionist, who had strictly forbidden them from going into the pool and weight room, and quickly shut the door behind them. Butters slipped on some water, thankfully Kenny caught him, then both made their way to the hot tub. Kenny instantly felt sweat bead on his forehead and he wiped it away; worst idea ever.
"Okay..." Kenny trailed off, "whaddya have to-" he was interrupted by Butters pressing his lips against his in a fervent kiss that made his heart weak. Butters sat on his lap and ran his fingers through Kenny's long hair as they leaned back.
After feeling slightly light-headed from the heat and lack of oxygen, Butters pulled away from Kenny with a loud smacking noise that echoed throughout the room. He smiled impishly at Kenny as his bottom brushed against the unmistakable bulge in his swim shorts.
"You're... you're stopping?" Kenny asked in a slightly higher pitched voice than usual. The bright blonde grinned and nodded.
"It's worth it! Jus'... lemme remember what I was gon' say..." Kenny pursed his lips and glared jokingly at Butters, who lightly smacked his cheek. "Oh! Y'know how you an' I kinda almost died today?" Kenny nodded slowly, "well I saw something."
"...what?"
So Butters, with a slightly slurred voice and mushed together words, explained to Kenny the conversation he had with the cursed part of him, who ended up being Hastur. Butters then had to explain exactly who Hastur was, the difference between the two curses, what Kenny's role was, and ultimately...
"So does that mean I'm not Death?" Butters shook his head.
"Remember... remember when Bebe was pregnant... and you told me you thought you could feel the baby? Like the life of the baby? And then when she decided to abort it you just felt..."
"Impending doom?" Butters nodded.
"Yeah... you could feel its life. You die all the time... but you come back to life... Ken... you get what I'm saying right?"
"Uh... no."
"You're not Death. You're the opposite. You're Life... you're... you're Hastur. The King in Yellow. The Unspeakable One. You are the end to Cthulhu... you're like... the most powerful thing in all of existence."
Kenny was silent as he stared at Butters with surprise in his eyes. Butters watched as his color changed from slightly pink from the heat to an ashen grey. He swore a cold chill ran through the room and Kenny took Butters' hands. The taller boy bowed his head into his chest and exhaled shakily, unsure of what to say or do, or how to react.
"That's why I can't die... because I'm Life. And my counter part is the only person... thing... that can kill me. Lee, what... what am I?" Kenny stared at his hands. He had flesh. He touched himself to make sure. His cheeks, his hair, his arms, they were all human. He had human legs, human everything. So did that make him human? "What if I'm... what if I'm like... Cthulhu."
"What? All tentacle-y and huge and slimy?" Kenny remained silent, "Ken, hon, you're not. You're human, you just... have an entity inside of you. But it's like... your soul. I've seen him. I talked to him. Well, the you version at least."
"What..."
"He looked like you, only he wore a yellow cloak and had wings. No tentacles. No slime. Your height."
"Lee, what if I'm not... what if this is just like a vessel... or... what if that's only what you wanted to see?"
"It doesn't make you any less you, does it?" Kenny sighed heavily and lowered his eyes. He looked up when Butters cupped his cheeks in his hands and brushed the skin. "And it sure doesn't make me love you any less. With or without tentacles."
"Gross!" Kenny cried as he laughed softly. Butters stuck out his tongue and wiggled his fingers like tentacles at the dark blonde, who shoved his hands away and pretended to pout.
"It makes sense though, I mean... if you were Death you probably wouldn't ever come back, you'd just stay dead... right?" Kenny shrugged his shoulders.
"I dunno, I just... this is weird. I have to get used to this. I mean, I know nothing about this so called Hastur, and supposedly I'm him? The fuck? Am I not... me?" Butters shook his head and sat on Kenny's lap, his knees were on either side of him as he straddled the taller boy. They sat, chest to chest, and Butters lightly grazed his fingers over his scarred skin.
"Ken, listen, you are you and always have been you... I don't know how it works but like I said, this doesn't change a thing. I mean, you're Kenny McCormick. Dirty-minded, sarcastic, hilarious, sweet, protective, loving, happy, and way too selfless for your own good. You are the only person I've ever loved, and you're the best friend I could have ever asked for... and so beautiful. You're like... an angel, Kenny. You're incredible. Don't let this bother you... okay?" Kenny nodded and wrapped his arms around Butters, pulling him even closer.
"Do you think it has something to do with..." he trailed off, eyes lowering once more. Butters lifted his chin and Kenny sighed softly, "do you think it has anything to do with why I've had such a hard time dealing with... the rape?" He finished in a barely audible voice. Butters shrugged his shoulders as he ran his hands through Kenny's hair, then nodded.
"Maybe. If you think about it, you're reborn, over and over again. Life starts off completely pure, innocent, what you have always tried to keep for Karen. Ken, you're like obsessed with that stuff-"
"Am not!"
"You didn't start swearing around Karen until you heard her say "fuck" in the hospital." Kenny sighed heavily and grimaced, but didn't nod or shake his head. "I mean, Life itself is extremely pure. If you could feel Bebe's... potential baby then that's like... serious purity."
"But I'm surprised I can even walk into church without being burned..." Butters rolled his eyes. "And I lost my virginity when I was thirteen, and I don't remember a time where I wasn't cussing."
"That's your mind and body, your soul on the other hand... when you think about how you feel right now, what comes to mind? I mean, about yourself."
"Honestly?" Kenny asked quietly, running a hand through his hair, "I mean I'm happy, and stressed. That's about it." Butters gave him a look.
"I mean, your OCD-like tendencies."
"What are you implying?"
"I'm implying that maybe because you lost your innocence a long time ago your curse has been trying to find ways to make you pure again. Which makes you want to be clean all the time, and things have to be a certain way for you. And when you were raped it really messed you up, you yourself and maybe even the curse. So that little piece of you went into overdrive, which made you obsess over washing your hands and... all that stuff."
"So you do think that's why I went crazy." Butters scoffed and tapped his cheek.
"You're not crazy, but yes." The bright blonde chirped, then captured Kenny's lips in a kiss. They continued their heated lip-lock, until an idea crossed Butters' mind. He pulled away, and when Kenny leaned forward again, he put his finger on Kenny's lips.
"Wha-?" He asked dismally. Butters slid his hand back up to Kenny's chest and sat up a little.
"May I ask a question?" Kenny snorted and nodded as he threaded their fingers together. "You know how... after you die you're reborn, right?"
"Mhmm..."
"Well, does that mean you come back pure again?"
"Whaddyou mean?" Kenny asked, his right hand trailed down Butters' damp back and rested on his rump.
"I mean... and bear with me here, do you come back as a virgin?" Kenny's eyebrows furrowed and he wore a slight grimace as he considered this idea.
"That's like an episode of "Supernatural" where Dean said he was re-hymenated."
"Well, Kenneth Daniel, are you re-hymenated?" Butters asked with a growing grin. Kenny opened his mouth to answer, then shut it again as he scrubbed his wet hair.
"I don't know, Lee." Kenny answered, sounding slightly troubled, "I mean I died from syphilis and don't have it now... and that shit doesn't go away. So, maybe... agh my head," Kenny whined; all of this was difficult to comprehend.
"'Cause if so, guess what?" Butters chirped with a sly smirk on his face. Kenny looked at him curiously, "you died today. So you're a virgin."
Kenny's jaw dropped and Butters burst into hysterics at his dumbfounded expression. He fell back and squeaked as he fell into the water and hit his tailbone on the ridge of the hot tub. Butters spluttered and coughed as Kenny quickly scooped him up and rubbed at his sore back.
"I am not a... virgin," Kenny whispered the last word as if it were a curse itself. Butters laughed through the pain in his back and beamed at his boyfriend, whose cheeks were pink from more than just the heat.
"Au contraire, mon ami," Butters whispered. His hand vanished under the water as he rolled their hips together.
In the middle of the night, five boys sneaked down to the downtown square of Lincoln. The bars were closed, and in just a few hours they would be making their way back to South Park. None of them were looking forward to that long ride. But this was definitely going to make it worth it.
"I don' feel so good," Kyle moaned as he staggered alongside Stan, who held him up.
"You can puke in a little bit, just... wait, okay?"
"He can't pussy out," Cartman huffed as he hurried down the block. Butters yawned as he leaned against Kenny, who ran his fingers through the shorter boy's hair as they walked through the night.
"'m not gonna pussy out, fatass, 'm just a little- oh God," Kyle groaned, then gagged as he covered his mouth. Stan rubbed his back and ran his fingers through his slightly tousled curls.
"Just swallow it, it's not so bad..." Stan murmured as Kyle gagged, Kenny snickered and Butters slugged him on the arm. Cartman turned around and smirked as Stan supported his fiancee.
"I'm sure he's heard that before," he said, causing even Butters to crack up. Kyle glared as he coughed, but couldn't help but laugh with his friends as they hurried down the street.
"Okay, see that statue over there?" Cartman said, pointing to a figure of a cow at the end of the street. "We're gonna cover it in red paint."
"Red... you really think that's going to offend these people?" Stan asked sarcastically.
"Yeah, 'cause red's the color of blood and-"
"Actually blood is only red once it meets oxygen," Kyle mumbled softly, Cartman groaned in annoyance and threw the spray paint can at him. Stan caught the can and chucked it back at Cartman; it hit him in the shoulder. The chubby boy whined and if Kenny hadn't covered his mouth they probably would have been found.
"Cartman, painting a corn statue of a cow the color red in Nebraska will not be an insult. They'll think its genius."
"But... but all I have is red and black!"
"Red..." Butters sang quietly, Kenny rolled his eyes and smacked him slightly but couldn't suppress his smile. "The blood of angry men..."
"No."
"Oh, great, a musical number," Cartman grumbled.
"Let's not spray paint them," Kyle said as he approached the symbolic corn cow. He took a cob of corn from the meticulously stacked sculpture and grinned. "Let's make ourselves."
"Huh?" Kenny asked, taking another cob and chucked it at Stan. He caught it and threw it back at Kenny, twice as hard. It hit Butters instead.
"Well, there's enough, and I mean, people know who we are."
"They do?"
"Remember that alien reality show we were all on? They mainly focused on us, and then they sent it to Earth and the show became a hit on Comedy Central for awhile, like a Jersey Shore except-"
"Shut your Jersey Ginger Jew mouth!" Cartman roared; Kyle, Kenny, Stan, and Butters all threw corn cobs at him.
"I mean, what are the chances they're gonna find us? Maybe they'll think it's cool."
"And finally realize that Nebraska is not the flat version of Colorado." Stan said to no one in particular.
"Or we could make a really big dick." Kenny suggested with a smirk. As he looked around, he saw his friends all grin cheekily and took a deep breath before he threw himself at the corn cow statue. Hundreds of corn cobs fell around them and he started building at the bottom. "Imagine one of these things going up your ass, that would really hurt."
"SICK!" Cartman yelled as he dropped the cobs he held. Kenny smirked and quickly used them to build their best prank yet. Stan, Kyle, and Butters joined him, and after ranting for fifteen minutes, Cartman helped as well.
It took two hours to complete their sculpture. Butters stood on tiptoes on Kenny's shoulders, with one foot in the air as he placed the final three corn cobs at the top. Stan helped steady Butters and Kenny, while Kyle sat on his shoulders, and Cartman was spray painting some building down the block.
"Done!" Butters chirped, then looked down at Kenny, who gripped the back of his knees as he walked back.
"Look at our masterpiece," He said quietly as he looked at the biggest penis, real or not, that he had ever seen. Butters wiped a fake tear from his eyes as he beamed at their creation.
"It's beautiful," Kyle whispered, who had gotten off of his fiance, and grinned at Stan who was on his knees, bowing to to their creation.
"Imagine that going up your butt," Butters mumbled, causing the other three to snicker and cringe.
"SHOP KEEPER!" They heard Cartman scream as he barreled toward them, "Abort mission! Abort fucking mission!" Butters squeaked as Kenny yanked him down from his perch, yet broke his fall just before he landed wrong on top of him, and gently lowered him to the ground. A man chased Cartman with a gun in his hand and the four boys looked to each other in fear before they caught eyes and seemed to share a telepathic conversation. One word was heard.
"Run."
They bolted, ahead of Cartman, who was screaming and crying louder than the man shouting at them all, talking about defiling a state shrine and yada yada yada that none of them heard or cared about. They hid in an under ground walkway called "the apothecary" and waited for Cartman. A few minutes passed and they realized, unfortunately, he either got lost or caught.
"I'll be back..." Kenny groaned as he headed to the stairs. Stan grabbed his shirt and pulled him back, however.
"No, dude, he has a gun!"
"Like he's gonna shoot someone as hot as me, chill. I'll find lardass and bring him right here." Butters looked woefully at Kenny, who just grinned at him and squeezed his hand three times. "Don't worry, I'll just be over there." Butters rolled his eyes; he knew exactly what he meant. Yet said nothing.
Kenny took two steps at a time and listened for Cartman's screaming. Thankfully they hadn't heard any shots but he was still a little worried about this friend. He ran down the block, back to the direction of their statue, where he found Cartman running around in zig zags from the guy, with his gun in hand.
"Oh... shit..." the fact that the guy was chasing Cartman wasn't what had him spooked. The fact that Cartman had a gun was terrifying. He walked toward them both, backed away when the guy looked at him and started in his direction. "Dude, drop the gun and run!" Kenny yelled. Cartman stopped moving and looked at him.
"If I do that he'll shoot me. I can't run faster than a bullet and I am not dying in this hellhole!" Kenny snarled at his futile argument and pushed on his back to get him to move. He got the hint when Kenny kept punching his hands, and dropped the gun. A boom echoed through the block and Kenny jumped, expecting pain and the white light to cast him to hell. Except the sound of a ricochet was heard, and glass shattered.
The man roared as he charged toward them and Kenny breathed a sigh of relief before he bolted, dragging Cartman along with him. The chubbier boy's feet weren't used to moving this fast, and he stumbled with nearly ever footfall.
"Mah damn shop!" he shouted as they took off down the block, "fuckin' hooligans, the corn cow!"
"It's a corn cock now!" Kenny couldn't help but yell back as they turned down the block. Another shot was fired and Kenny braced himself for the inevitable blast of his internal organs and his brains to splatter on the ground. Cartman whimpered as he fought back tears. "Dude, you're okay," Kenny reassured him as they ran down the next block.
"We almost..." he huffed, out of breath as they slowed down, "we almost got shot, you... you almost died."
"Bull shit, son, you almost died!" Kenny cried with a laugh. Cartman shook his head as he tried to catch his breath, "I just saved your sorry fat ass."
"If we were still on that reality show the ratings would have just gone up, poor boy." Kenny smirked and high-fived his dear friend, who grinned.
"Who's to say we aren't, lardo?"
"Heh, lardo, it's like Birdo..." Kenny rolled his eyes and led him to where their friends were hiding. They hurried down the steps so no one saw them, and Kenny was instantly wrapped in a boa constrictor-like hug. Butters leg go of him after planting a big smooch on his lips and wrapped his arm around his waist.
"We heard shots, we thought..."
"Cartman dropped the gun and it went off-"
"Cartman had the gun?!" Kyle cried, Kenny nodded as if saying, "I know."
"And then the dude shot one last time, but I think we're safe. But we should like... run."
Stan started up the stairs at that, and they all followed. Nothing else needed to be said. Except, Stan turned around to look at them all with an expression of bewilderment.
"...did anyone get a picture of the corn cock?"
They managed to snap a couple photos before the angry shopkeeper found them again. The five returned to their hotel room at six in the morning, laughing hysterically as they looked at the pictures, which included some of the shopkeeper running toward Stan, and decided they were wrong about Nebraska people; they were not all yellow on the inside.
Kyle turned on the news in the room and let out a startled cry. Their corn cock was part of their breaking news. They watched and tried their hardest not to laugh as they watched the broadcast, but when the shopkeeper mentioned a "fat little turd and a beanstalk hooligan," they laughed so hard the neighbors knocked on their door.
"DUDE!" Cartman said to Kenny as he stopped laughing, face down on the floor. Kenny looked down at him from the bed with a shit-eating grin on his face, "we are fucking LEGENDS!"
"We did it!" Kenny chirped, beaming at the four in the room, "we made this trip legendary."
"It was to begin with, I mean that farting contest in North Platte should be in the Guinness Book of World Records," Kenny shrugged his shoulders and gave a nod to Stan, who was slugged in the shoulder by Kyle.
"And I think we broke our record, Ken..." Butters whispered with a smirk. Kyle wiggled his tongue at them and Stan made an obscene gesture with his hands that made Kenny snort with laughter. "I mean, four times in one go..."
"What can I say? I'm a god." Butters scoffed as he nudged him lightly.
"And Cartman spent four hours in the bathroom after eating at that Indian place."
"Ey!" he cried, "curry upsets my stomach!"
"What doesn't?" Kyle retorted, earning an offhand Jew comment.
"What did Kyle do?" Butters asked. Kyle shrugged his shoulders.
"He-"
"No-"
"He did something-"
"-No, Stanley!"
"-that he's never done before!"
"You shut your fucking mouth, Stanley Randal!" Kenny raised an eyebrow and rested his chin on his hands as he looked to Stan with mild interest on his face.
"Tell me more!" He chirped excitedly. Butters nodded energetically.
"He took-" Stan was silenced by Kyle capturing his lips in a heated kiss that seemed to melt the raven-haired boy. Cartman groaned in annoyance and Kenny wiggled his eyebrows at Butters, who stuck out his tongue. They understood exactly what that meant. When Kyle finally pulled away, Stan's cheeks were flushed and his eyes were a little dilated. He played with a curl, then looked lazily to Kenny. "He took a shit for the first time with you guys around."
"STANLEY!" Kenny let out a barking laugh and looked to Kyle in surprise.
"What?! Are you kidding me? I lived with you! You don't think I was oblivious to those Science Weekly magazines?"
"Oh my God..." Kyle groaned, face beet red.
"What about at school, dude? I go like five times a day."
"That's just wrong..." Butters mumbled to Cartman, who shrugged.
"We're not talking about this," Kyle grumbled, hiding his face in embarrassment.
"Duuuude, no, no, no!" Kenny said, grabbing Kyle's shoulders. "When I wouldn't wake up one day for school you farted on my head." Stan burst out laughing and Butters' jaw dropped. "When we were little kids you broke the silence by farting. Your favorite fucking joke was "pull my finger". You're all shits and giggles yet you're afraid to actually shit around us all? We're like... brothers!"
"You guys are just more open about that-"
"I call bull!" Kenny interrupted, raising his head slightly as he looked to Kyle, who was still blushing furiously. "This is like... blasphemous. But I guess I'm glad you now feel fully comfortable around us, I guess." Kyle rolled his eyes.
"What did Butters do?"
"I didn't die!" He cried excitedly, "and I faced a fear; going to a haunted place!"
"What about you Kenny?" Stan asked, "what's something legendary you did on your own?" Kenny and Butters looked to each other and he shrugged his shoulders.
"Haven't finished it yet, but you'll know what it is when I do," He replied with a sly grin. Butters rolled his eyes and rested his head on his shoulder as he yawned. "What about you?"
"Someone beat me at a sport."
"I beat you all the-"
"Doesn't count, we're just training." Kenny made a mocking noise and flopped down on the bed, taking Butters with him. "Congratulations, Butters, you're better than me at swimming."
"Awh, I don't think so, St-"
"Yes you are. Accept it!" Kenny chirped happily as he wrapped his arms around the smaller boy. "Cartman, what'd you do besides need us to call hotel maintenance?" The chubby boy's cheeks heated and Kenny made an excited noise as he turned to lay on his stomach. "Ooh, spill."
"God, Kenny, sometimes you're gayer than the gayest gay." Kenny scoffed.
"A, you're talking about Mr. Slave, and I ain't touchin' that with a hundred thousand foot pole, although he'd enjoy that... ew..." Kenny shuddered, "and B, shaddup."
"Oh God, mental images," Butters whined, covering his eyes as he rocked on the bed. Kenny dramatically soothed him and made a show of running his hands through his hair. Butters ended up laughing in his arms.
"You know who Kenny's like?" Kyle announced suddenly, "I figured it out!" Stan looked at him curiously, "well, everyone is like an actor, or a character from something in my head." Kenny furrowed his eyebrows.
"Neo, "The Matrix". Duh." Butters scoffed. "Or James Deen from-"
"No!"
"No, I have it! I seriously have it!" Kyle cried.
"Well, who're you like?" Kenny asked curiously, "so I know the accuracy of your assumption." Kyle sighed heavily.
"Honestly, after a long time researching and trying to change my answer, Stan and I decided I'm like Hermione." Kenny snorted.
"That's pretty accurate..." Butters trailed off, "what about me?!"
"Well I'm torn between, and don't be mad, but Augusten from "Running with Scissors" or Kurt from "Glee.""
"The fuck? You watch fuckin' "Glee"?!" Cartman asked in shock. Kyle shook his head.
"I've only seen a few episodes when Karen and Ruby watched it religiously," he sent a look to Kenny, who hit his forehead as he murmured, "awful, awful" over and over. "But the ones I saw of that Kurt character reminded me of you."
"Why?" Butters asked, confused, "for both of them?" Because they were flamboyantly gay? Kyle knew what he was thinking and shook his head.
"Have you read Augusten Burrough's book? Or at least seen the movie? It's a memoir. He lived it, and his life was so... royally fucked up. And you've lived with a lot of dysfunction, and he made it out okay, he's extremely successful, and you are and will be too. I just, saw you in him because you're strong. Same with Kurt from "Glee". Plus he was like prom queen or something and you were homecoming queen..." Butter glared at Cartman who maintained a poker face.
"Well, I'll have to look into it but... thank you," Butters murmured, sending a meaningful smile to Kyle, who nodded and shrugged. "What about Cartman?"
"Cartman is the epitome of any rendition of Adolf Hitler. Or Voldemort. Or Saruman. Or... just any bad character."
"You... you really mean that?" He asked, looking up at Kyle with shining eyes, "you really think I'm like Adolf Hitler?" Kyle groaned as he gave a slow nod, "that's the... the... oh my God... that's the nicest thing a Jew could ever tell me. I'm..." he bowed his head and took a deep breath. Kyle looked unamused as he stared with a blank face at Cartman. He finally shook his head and turned to Kenny.
"You, Kenny are-"
"Me." He said, "I'm a fictional character, I'm me."
"You are not a fictional character!"
"We were in a reality show, eh? Eh? Well... fan fiction, Kyle. Fan. Fiction. I'm a fictional character in those and-"
"Wait, they made fan-fiction about it?" Kenny nodded, "us?!"
"Duuuuuuuuude. Lame." Stan said as he shook his head dismally.
"Yeah, The misfits stumbled on it one day and got me sucked into it. Heh..." he waggled his eyebrows at Butters, "people ship us so hard. You two, too. And Kyle and Cart-"
"YOU SHUT YOUR DIRTY WHORE MOUTH!" Cartman bellowed, raising a fist. Kenny instinctively flinched and held his hands up to his face. Cartman blinked, looked at his fist, and lightly slugged Kenny's shoulder and gave a small, nervous, chuckle as he set his hand back down.
"We're looking at that later," Kyle said, looking to the five, "not the... disgusting Cartman love shit, but... I'm curious. That's hilarious. But no, Kenny, you don't count as a fictional character."
"Fiiiiiine," he whined, throwing himself on Kyle's lap and looked up at him with sparkling blue eyes. Stan shook his head and laughed quietly as he glanced to Butters, who pinched the bridge of his nose. Kenny raised his hand slowly to Kyle's, pulling his hair so they were closer, "tell me who I am, Kyle," he whispered, bending his knee as he arched his back, "I'm waiting for it..."
"Oh Jesus..." Kyle groaned in annoyance as he looked down at Kenny, who was sending him the best fake bedroom eyes he could muster. Butters whispered a quiet, "slut" to Stan, who snickered. Kenny grinned a little, but kept his hand in Kyle's hair, pulling him down even more.
"No, really, who do you think is my fictional counterpart?" he asked curiously, not breaking the gaze he had with Kyle. The redhead looked at him, knew exactly what he was trying to do, and sighed heavily.
"You know "Perks of Being a Wallflower?"" Kyle asked, Kenny nodded, all the while playing with a springy curl that caught his attention. "You're like Patrick. But you're also like Neville Longbottom." He followed Kenny's gaze and found himself staring at the curl that was pulled straight and let go to bounce, "and a cat."
"Hmm..." Kenny purred, smirking up at Kyle, who rolled his eyes but was a little flushed.
"We shared the same fucking bed, you did all kinds of this shit all the time, you really think I'm not used to this?" Kyle asked. Kenny just smiled and brought him closer, so their noses were practically touching.
"How bout this, Ky?" Kenny whispered, laying comfortably in his lap. He could see the nervousness in Kyle's eyes, but also the intrigue and the spark of curiosity. That's what he was playing with. Stan whispered something to Butters, who snorted as he laughed, and Kyle exhaled a shaky breath. "You used to this?" he asked gently, quietly. He closed his eyes slowly, watching Kyle do the same, and suddenly lunged up and bit his nose.
"THE FUCK?!" Kyle cried, grabbing the tip of his nose and rubbing it as he glared at Kenny who laughed hysterically on his lap. Stan's jaw was slack as he stared at them, and Butters was trying not to laugh.
"What." Stan blurted in monotone, causing Cartman to snicker from his bed as he read through texts on his phone. Butters nudged Stan, who coughed lightly.
"You okay there, buddy?" the bright blonde teased, causing Stan's cheeks to flush. Kenny grinned as Kyle smacked his cheek and shoved him.
"You bit my nose!"
"I've always been curious," Kenny teased, as he beamed up at Kyle, "what... did you expect me to kiss you or something?" Kyle scoffed and hit his forehead.
"Wow, abusive much? I guess... if you want to kiss me you can, but... I dunno, seems kinda weird." Kenny pressed, grabbing Kyle's hand.
"If you bite my finger I swear to God I will murder you."
"Go ahead," Kenny replied nonchalantly as he growled and bit Kyle's middle finger. "Ewww you taste like Stan."
"What?" Kyle asked, looking at his hand, then to Stan, who was shaking with laughter. Kenny nodded and licked his own arm with a wrinkled nose.
"Yeah, all cologne-y and testosterone-y... and other things..." Kenny mumbled, "it was awful." Kyle took Kenny's arm and licked it. The blonde made a face and pulled his arm away as Kyle shrugged.
"You just taste salty, and kinda like pot."
"The smell will always linger..."
"So now you've resorted to licking each other?" Cartman drawled from his bed. Kenny shook his head.
"We ain't lickin' you, you'd taste like KFC gravy and grease."
"What the fuck is going on...?" Stan whispered to Butters, who shrugged his shoulders and watched Kenny and Kyle lick their arms.
"I think it's diverted sexual tension because they're both afraid to actually make the initial move," Stan shrugged his shoulders, then nodded in agreement.
"It would be pretty hot, huh?" Stan mumbled, Butters blushed, then nodded.
"Considering they're both really good kissers, yeah." the blonde replied, causing the black-haired boy to laugh quietly as he grinned. "I feel like they're going to pounce any moment but they don't..."
"I know..." Stan whispered, shuddering slightly, "they're like cats." They watched as the boys in question continued to stare at each other, unblinking, frozen, with fierce expressions on their faces.
"Kenny, you're such a slut," Kyle finally broke the silence. The blonde beamed as he stretched out his legs more as he laid on the redhead. He sighed softly, then finally smiled a little, "if you're gonna kiss me, you gotta kiss me like I've never been kissed before."
"Okay. But you have to lay down." Kenny mumbled and looked at Kyle. He sat up and nudged Kyle so he'd get in the middle of the bed. Stan and Kyle glanced at each other, the latter saw the excitement in his fiance's eyes and Butters gave a tiny squeak as he saw the glint in Kenny's eyes; Kyle had no idea what he had just done.
Kenny bit his lip as he turned his body to face Kyle and put one arm on the bed, the other on the redhead's cheek as he lifted one leg straight up. Butters shook his head as he watched Kenny pulled his hand away from Kyle as he lifted his second leg in the air; he was balanced on one hand.
"You're crazy!" Kyle gasped as Kenny reach his free hand to his cheek and stroked it with his thumb.
"Is he actually balancing on one hand?" Cartman asked in slight shock. Butters nodded as he watched Kenny grab Kyle's face and crashed their lips together. The redhead let out a quiet moan as their lips massaged together slowly; they both felt that curiosity and tension leave their bodies as Kyle parted his lips for Kenny's tongue.
Stan's jaw dropped as he watched Kenny's legs bend over his head, to Butters, and his toes curled into the other boy's shoulders. There was no strain in his body as he continued the kiss, and his left leg slowly moved to Stan, and kicked him softly.
"Hey!" he cried, causing Butters to laugh. "He's kissing my fiance and kicking me? That's just rude."
"This is fucked up," Butters turned to see Cartman filming this with his phone and he let out a surprised laugh, "Wendy didn't believe me!" He defended with a blush as Kyle grabbed Kenny's shirt and pulled them closer together. Kenny finally pulled away and ran his hand through Kyle's hair as he grinned at the boy with the dazed expression.
"How was that?"
"Hnnngh," was Kyle's response as he stared at Kenny's swollen lips, "how... how are you possible?"
"I'm a god, Ky, face it," he replied, then pulled his legs back, and flipped himself over. "Ta-daaaa! And that is how you kiss someone who has done everything in the books." Kyle shoved him yet was still deeply flushed from their make out session.
"He's like a contortionist, Butters, use that to your advantage." Kenny flashed a grin to the blonde, who covered his face.
"Sooooo... Kyle, how was I? I was good, wasn't I? Huh? Huh?" Kenny poked his shoulder and wore an excited smile as he waited for Kyle's response. The redhead nodded and he cheered, then did a somersault off the bed. "I did it! I officially have kissed my best friends aaaaaand everyone in our class! Woohoo!"
"Wait." Stan said, "everyone?" Kenny nodded as he stopped jumping around the room.
"Wendy?" Cartman piped up, the blonde gave another nod and the chubby boy righted himself faster than any of them had ever seen. "When the fuck did you-"
"Down, boy. I kissed her at those stupid 8th grade parties where we did spin the bottle all the fucking time. She and Stan had just broken up and I think she and Bebe planned it to get back at Stan. And I got the best blowjob a girl could give that night... Bebe, not Wendy," he quickly added when he saw the angry looks on both Cartman and Stan's faces.
"Slut." Butters teased as Kenny continued to jump and dance through the room.
"You've kissed every guy in our class? Seriously?" Kyle asked in shock, Kenny nodded. "Even Token? He's been with Nichole since fourth grade."
"Truth or dare, ninth grade party. Too much tongue, I hope he got better."
"Timmy?"
"Didn't want to be a freshman without his first kiss."
"So you took it?"
"It was more like... he wanted to show the girl he liked how open he was so then we did this thing where I told him I liked him and he said he's not gay but he was flattered and she saw the whole thing. So then she asked him to go to dinner. I was his wingman!"
"That's... I don't know how to feel about that. Should I hit him or tell him that's really sweet?" Kyle asked Stan, who shrugged.
"Clyde, you kissed Clyde?" Stan asked disbelievingly.
"Uh, yeah. He wanted to kiss a dude because he wanted to know why so many people in our class have gone homo."
"During or after Bebe?"
"Details, baby, details."
"What about Jimmy?"
"Yeah, he was like high off his ass on E at this party and I had partaken in some things and... yeah."
"Kevin Stoley?" Cartman asked, joining in on the conversation.
"Pssh, seventh grade. Locker room."
"Dogpoo?"
"Spin the bottle. Seventh grade."
"Tweek?"
"Yeah, and Craig punched me in the face for it. Fucking asshole... heh..." Kenny snickered quietly, "but yeah I've kissed literally everyone in our class now, excluding myself because that's physically impossible. I'm sorry, Lee, you're dating a slut." Butters rolled his eyes and took Kenny's hand, expecting him to sit down. Except he was dragged up and forced to dance and jump around with Kenny.
"Well," Butters said, putting both hands on Kenny's shoulders so he would stop moving, "there is a plus side to that, y'know." Kenny gave an awkward laugh and winked as he kissed him chastely.
After Kenny finally calmed down the five boys packed up their belongings and made sure all of their belongings were bagged and in the car. They attempted to make the hotel room look as if five teenage boys hadn't spent nearly a week there. The trash piled on the floor but it was they best they could do. They returned their keys and walked out into the Nebraska heat for the last time.
"Waaaaaait." Kenny said as they approached the car, "Eric never said what he accomplished." The four stopped and looked at Cartman, who continued for the car. Kenny stopped him and clung to the chubby boy until he gave up trying to open the door.
"Fine! Just get the fuck off me!" Kenny let go and looked expectantly at the brunette. "Jesus, I might have told Wendy how I feel about her. But there's no proof." Kenny furrowed his eyebrows, yet Butters covered his mouth as he squealed excitedly.
"Huh? She knows you like her, otherwise you wouldn't be-"
"Not like, you poor piece of shit, I told her I love her." Stan and Kyle just looked at each other and smiled as they got in the front seats.
Kenny blinked a couple of times, opened and shut his mouth, then held up his hand.
"High-five, bro." Cartman rolled his eyes but high-fived him anyway, then shoved Kenny harshly before he got in the car. Butters scooted in the middle and Kenny sat next to him.
The five boys drove down the street, talking and laughing like always. It was these moments that faded too quickly, that they cherished and held dear when things got rough. They made their way from the flat version of Colorado, down a busy interstate, through boredom and empty roads, to the quiet little mountain town they called home.