Author's Note: Well, I realized that in the process of editing my chapters I deleted the edited version of last chapter and kept the similar but slightly changed version. The whole thing with Cartman and killing Kenny was different- he still had it. The reason behind it is because Kevin asked him to... that was in the edited version. I'll be changing that... probably, but I can understand why it didn't make any sense so I apologize. It was the brain-puke version. (I never want those versions to see the light of day)
Anywho, thank you for reading, reviewing, favoriting, and whatnot! This was a good chapter. A very good chapter. It gives insight on certain people and things and... stuff.
Shout out to the people I talk to (or try to talk to) on a regular/semi-regular basis. Thank you so much for everything. I'm sorry I'm so terrible at replying.
Chapter Forty-Seven: Give Heaven Hell, Kenny
That night Kyle and Stan held on to Butters as they all cried together. Karen and Kevin had been busy with the doctors, and later, waiting for final autopsy reports, so they hadn't come around to his room again. Cartman disappeared as soon as that flat line sounded, and no one had seen him since. Butters hadn't had a chance to apologize... or thank him. The fact he was now in Cartman's debt was slightly terrifying, but in a sense he always had been.
The two boys ended up falling asleep in his room, more like on his bed, he didn't mind that, and he fell into a restless sleep, mostly brought on by the sedative the nurse gave him sometime in the middle of the night. He dreamed of Kenny, and Hastur, and Carol McCormick. And those three people in one dream told him it probably wasn't a dream at all; more like someone opening a path for them to reach each other.
He woke up with an agonizing emptiness as he breathed. His heart ached and his eyes were puffy and his head hurt, mostly from crying. He felt something playing with his hair, and turned to find Stan looking at him with bloodshot eyes.
"You were there..." Stan whispered quietly, "you were there when it happened." Butters nodded and felt guilt pour through his veins. If he wasn't the reason Kenny was dead before, he was sure a huge part of it now. His hands reeked of guilt and he'd never wash it clean. "How... what happened?"
"They aren't s-s-sure. Maybe t-too much medicine o-or a r-reaction from it. Or he just l-let go after t-t-talking to everyone he l-loved."
"But... that's not true! He didn't say goodbye to... to Kyle's parents, or my parents, or... our class. There's a vigil tonight. Ky and I are working on a video and... fuck. He's really gone, isn't he?" Butters nodded and held his hand; not forever, he wanted to assure him. Yet his words would make him sound crazy, so he bit his tongue and squeezed Stan's hand. "H-how're you..." Stan trailed off, his emotions getting the best of him, "how're you so strong?" Butters laughed hollowly, stirring Kyle from his sleep, and he shook his head.
"I-I'm far from strong, Stan." Butters mumbled, shaking his head slowly, "I just..." he trailed off, shaking his head as he rested on Stan's shoulder. Stan held him tight, but not enough to hurt his shoulder, and kissed Butters' forehead, which shocked the blonde. He said nothing as he lay cuddled between Stan and Kyle, laying on the raven-haired boy. His mind wandered to where he didn't want it to go, and thankfully Kyle woke him up to spare him from his self-destruction.
"Fuck," Kyle moaned, turning and resting his head on Butters' stomach. Butters patted his head and ran his fingers through his curls, like he had years ago when Kyle would lay like this as he vented about his jealousy of Wendy. "This isn't just a dream..."
"No," Stan mumbled, taking his hand that lay on Butters and squeezed it gently, "and if anything it'd be a nightmare." Kyle looked up from his apparent comfortable position on Stan and gave him an incredulous look.
"I love you," Kyle mumbled to Stan, then looked to Butters, "Butters, I love you." He blushed lightly and Stan nodded at the bright blonde.
"Yeah, dude, I fucking love you."
"Aw..." Butters trailed off, cheeks redder and redder by the second, "I love you both too." Death made people say the things everyone knew but never talked about. Death brought out affection. Butters remembered the last time this happened; he shivered.
"Butters!" He jumped at the sharp voice that yelled from the door, "you... you are in so much trouble!" His father cried, bursting in. His mother gasped at the scene on the bed, yet Kyle and Stan stayed as they had been. Perhaps they weren't embarrassed as he was, or they wanted to prove a point, or they just didn't care and wanted their comfort. "How dare you remove us from your room when all we're doing is trying to get answers out of you! And... and this blatant homosexuality phase is too much! You've taken it too far! Are you trying to put your mother back in the hospital?!" Butters just closed his eyes and laid back on the pillow. He laughed bitterly, which caused Kyle's skin to crawl and the hair on the back of Stan's neck to rise. He sounded so... detached.
"I told you yesterday and I told you again I'm done. I'm not your son," he spoke with such sincerity it brought shivers down his friends' spine, "so if you don't leave I'll call security." He didn't stutter once. His fierce blue eyes glared at his parents, who opened and closed their mouths like fish out of water.
"Your friend made you say this, that Kenny boy?" He felt Stan flinch next to him, "he's warping your mind, he's no good for you!" his mother cried, tears streaking down her face.
"He's trash, Butters! No good, especially not for your health! We found a nice girl and-"
"What did you say?" Stephen and Linda turned around to find none other than Kevin McCormick glaring at them with a clenched fist. He stood nearly nine inches taller than his dad, and looked like he could break his mom just by picking her up. Karen wore a dark expression, one he had never seen on her face before, and she looked just as angry as her brother. For the first time he saw the resemblence between them. "About my baby brother?"
"Your family-" Stephen began, losing his edge as he took note of Kevin's seemingly almost inhuman size, "is nothing but trash. Your brother is corrupting my son and making him feel things that are not natural. Your brother deserves what he g-"
"SHUT UP!" Butters and Karen screamed, and the brunette girl burst into tears as she held on to Kevin so she wouldn't fall. He put a tender arm around her, keeping her standing, and took another step into the room. Stephen and Linda took another step as well.
"My family," Kevin growled lowly, his voice sounding almost like a wolf, "is my God damned family. Trash or not at least we got a sense o' who we are and got a real idea o' how this world works. Middle class suburban sheeple like you think they're so much better than the poor family down the fuckin' tracks. You ever think once maybe we were happy that way? 'Cause we got a real sense o' family, a real sense o' love instead of that materialistic capitalism view of what love should be. We're proud o' that. My family is my blood an' it's thicker than that fuckin' water runnin' through your poor excuse of veins."
He took yet another step, with Karen sobbing on his arm, and wore a menacing face that Butters knew was a simple grimace. Yet he appeared threatening enough, and Kyle clutched tightly to his shirt.
"And my baby brother got the most sense outta all of us. My brother is in love with your son and you should accept that instead of bein' such a fuckin' hypocrite, Stephen. Weren't you the one down at the bar beggin' for anyone to fuck your ass? Before you start judgin' my brother or your son for actually bein' in love instead of a loveless marriage you were probably forced into like your tryin' to force your son, look at yourself. My brother has been nothin' but kind and considerate of Butters. He saved his life, might I add. He died to save him. Because he loves him. We got more kindness and loyalty in our bones than anyone else in this town 'cause that's how our mama raised us. An' y'all don't deserve none of it. Fact, ya owe some apologies, Stephen and Linda."
Butters' parents were silent and unmoving as they absorbed what he said. "To your son, for all the hell you put him through. He ain't the crazy one, he never been the crazy one. He's the most sane, most real person I met an' he got a real good head on that fucked up shoulder," Kevin said, looking to Butters, who was shaking and trying his best not to cry. Because Kevin spoke the blunt truth, he knew what was what and wasn't afraid to say it. And if his parents said another word against him, he'd probably kill them. "I really don't think ya wanna cross me." He pressed in an eery voice.
"Butters," Stephen finally spoke, "I'm sorry."
"For?" Kevin pressed even more. Butters stared at him with his jaw dropped; he couldn't believe the way he had totally dominated his parents. It seemed easy for him.
"I-I'm sorry for not accepting you as you are... or who you might love." Butters remained silent; he had nothing to say.
"Decent, could be better, but I'll let you pass that one," Kevin said. "Now, my sister."
"What did I do to-?"
"Weren't ya the one who called her a whore? Didn't ya pull her out o' your house by her hair? Not to mention you've said nothin' but lies 'bout my brother and she don't deserve to hear that." Stephen sighed and turned to Karen, who actually succeeded in hiding against Kevin as she sobbed in his shirt.
"I'm sorry for anything I may have said or done to hurt you and your family." Karen shook her head and cried louder, as if his words were glass pushed into an open wound. Kevin rubbed her back gently and looked sternly at Stephen Stotch.
"Now, apologize to me." Kevin said, with his eyebrows raised.
"What do I-?!"
"Apologize to me for the pain ya caused my family. For the way ya treated your son, who is part of my family. For being nothin' but an embarrassment in front of Stan and Kyle, who somehow are also family. All these fine young men in here are my family, as well as the prettiest girl in town. So apologize. Or I'll make ya get on your knees and beg for forgiveness ya don't deserve. But you're pretty comfy on your knees, I hear, so that might be easier for ya." Linda looked sick and Kyle, Butters, and Stan shared a look they all knew was the one they wore when someone just laid a really good burn on someone else.
"I'm sorry!" Stephen cried, looking shaken and beaten down, "I'm sorry!"
"Good." Kevin said, wearing a sadistic smirk. "Now, go sign the release forms for Butters and I'll take him off your hands for good. When he's released I'll be by to pick up his stuff or hear you me I will call the cops on what you've done to him. Crystal?" Stephen nodded, "good. Now y'all get the fuck outta hear and don't come back."
Without a word Stephen and Linda Stotch left the room. Kyle let out a laugh of surprise and Butters felt tears sting his eyes as he looked at the towering young man in front of him, whose face softened as he lifted Karen as if she weighed little more than a feather, and sat down on the chair, with her crying in his shoulder. His hands ran through her long, unkempt hair, and rubbed her back as she cried for what was probably the fiftieth time in ten hours. Seeing him switch from angry Kevin to brotherly Kevin in an instant was difficult for Butters to comprehend.
"You..." he trailed off, shaking his head.
"I'm sorry," Kevin mumbled, "I just thought ya needed to hear your folks apologize for the shit they done to you. But if ya go home don't apologize for nothin', okay? An' you call me if any funny sh-"
"Kevin," Butters said, using his name for the first time, "thank you." The brunette seemed to soften at the words and he gave a genuine smile, something none of them had seen before. "And I'll be... I'll be going home." The twenty year old looked crestfallen as he heard the words but Butters couldn't help but smile, "With you, I mean, home's with family right?" Kevin smirked and, with Karen still in his arms, stretched his arms and hugged the three of them. The three boys grimaced as he nearly squeezed the life out of them, he probably didn't know his own strength, but the affection was there, and it was enough to tighten their throats and bring tears to their eyes.
"Right, bud." Kevin said as he finally let go of them. Stan and Kyle took deep breaths and Butters couldn't help but smile at their relief.
Butters' parents had signed the release forms and Kevin carried out what little belongings he had there. Kyle pushed him in the wheelchair, which was pointless, outside and Stan helped him in the car. He didn't need the help, albeit he was a little dizzy, but he was ultimately fine. Karen sat in the passenger seat and started the ignition.
"Wait..." Kyle trailed off, "doesn't Kevin have a truck?" Karen nodded.
"This is Kevin's car. Kenny was... working on the truck..." she trailed off, "it has a busted radiator and he was about done fixing it. But Kevin was just gonna give it to him so he didn't drive that stupid bike everywhere. But then he thought better of it 'cause it's a piece of shit and he was gonna just buy Kenny a car or something in a couple months." Kyle grimaced and Stan held his hand. They didn't know that would still be happening.
"Where is Kevin?" Butters asked, noting he still hadn't gotten in the car. Karen sighed heavily, and looked at them, as if what she were about to say would be difficult and uncomfortable. And it was.
"Um... we don't have enough money to give Kenny a funeral." Meaning; it would be pointless to give him a funeral when he'd come back within a week. "After the vigil we're going to take his ashes to mom's grave."
"Oh." The three boys said. Butters felt his heart thud as he realized even in death he still burned. It wasn't fair... he didn't deserve that.
"Can we come?" Kyle asked. Karen nodded and smiled softly as the driver door opened and Kevin entered with a small wooden box. Karen looked at it, Kevin bit back a grin, and set it in between them.
"This is so fuckin' weird," Kevin said, then burst out laughing. Karen threw her head back as she giggled, and Butters even bit back a smile as he looked at the box. They had to find humor in this; they had been through this so many times it was probably hilarious to them. Always traumatic... but hilarious.
Kyle and Stan, on the otherhand, looked sick. Butters took each of their hands and squeezed once, then let go. They smiled weakly at him, then fell into an awkward silence.
Kevin drove them to Kenny and Karen's house, then forced Butters to stay as he went to go get his belongings from his house. He didn't deem Kevin's efforts fair but it was nice that he was so protective. Karen cuddled him on the couch and she put in "Up" to try to cheer everyone up; within the first ten minutes everyone was crying.
"K-Kenny and I always said Kevin was Kevin..." Butters sobbed as he laughed. Karen burst into giggles as she wept harder, and Kyle had his head burrowed in Stan's chest to stifle his laugh and absorb his tears. "And Kenny was Dug."
"Oh my God that's so true!" Stan cried, wiping a few tears from his eyes as he looked at Butters, who held Karen tightly.
"I hate this," Kyle said weakly but he wore a smile through his puffy eyes as he pulled away from Stan. "He should be here right now." Karen nodded and looked at the screen, where Kevin the bird dragged Dug across the screen. Another round of laughter ensued, because they had all witnessed that happening on multiple occasions; mostly because Kevin was beating Kenny up or roughhousing. For only having a couple inches of height on Kenny, Kevin was the scariest person they had ever seen. But deep down he was one of the people that cared the most about them and somewhere down the line they cared about him, too.
"If he were here he'd probably be scooting his butt on the floor like a dog." Karen mumbled with a growing smile. Butters snorted and rested his head on hers.
"Or he would've turned off the tv and mooned us all until we agreed to actually go do something," Stan mumbled. Karen furrowed her eyebrows, "that's like every Tuesday for us. Whitest ass I've ever seen."
"Eww!" Karen cried, closing her eyes. But Butters couldn't help but snicker; he knew that at least three times a week Kenny had to force Karen out of bed somehow. And it usually involved him wiggling his ass in front of her, most of the time in his underwear. Butters also had to agree; he had the palest legs and butt he had ever seen in his life; but he didn't have much comparison considering the only other body he had ever seen naked was his own.
"We talk... we talk as if he's gone..." Butters murmured with a grimace. Three pairs of eyes turned to him and he sighed softly, "but he's not. He'll never be dead, not for us. Because he's gonna always be with us... in our hearts, in our memories..." He was immediately enveloped in a tight hug by his three closest friends, and their laughter faded to quiet weeping and sniffles.
They stayed like that until the quiet sound of a door brought them from their thoughts to the present. Butters ran out of the house, followed by Karen, Stan, and Kyle, and greeted Kevin with a curious look in his eyes.
"I got as much as I could. All your clothes are here, your laptop, I brought your blankets in case you wanted them, your books, that kinda stuff. I didn't know if you'd want your furniture but I couldn't fit it in anyway. Your dad is a real piece of work, kid." Kevin mumbled, opening the trunk and back doors. "Alright, munchkins, help a brother out?"
So they all grabbed the boxes and bags of Butters' belongings, Kevin did most of the work, and put them in Kenny's room, along the corner. The room felt cold and empty, as if it were wrong for him to be in here. The bed looked uncomfortable, and the orange fleece blanket Butters bought Kenny lay crumpled on the ground.
"Jesus, does he huff paint in here or something?" Kevin said as he looked around at his paint spattered desk and floor. Butters shook his head and smiled sadly, quietly, and held up the canvas Butters had bought Kenny for their anniversary. It was an unfinished painting of their spot, at night. It was beautiful, and Butters hoped Kenny would finish it. Kevin stared at it with a wistful look in his eyes, then nodded as he set down the three boxes tucked under his arms.
"I think that's everything. I ain't helpin' you unpack, Shell and I're s'posed to go help set up for the vigil and I gotta come up with somethin' to say I guess. Y'all need anything call me, okay?"
"Thank you," Butters murmured again, and Karen walked Kevin out. He watched as they spoke quietly by his car for a few minutes and she shoved him before he got in and drove down the driveway.
Kyle and Stan got to work on the video they were making; each wore an earbud and worked a distance away from Karen and Butters. Karen sighed heavily and looked at Butters with tears in her eyes.
"I don't know what to do for him..." she trailed off. Butters smiled sadly and wrapped an arm around her, "I have to do something... if I don't..." he shook his head and pulled her hair back, then separated it into three pieces. She let the tears fall; she knew exactly what he was trying to do. Because Kenny would still take the time to sit with her and braid her hair.
"Karen, you don't have to do a thing. All you have to do is live for him, and wait... this isn't any different than..." he trailed off, not believing that for a second, "I have an idea." he said, smiling a little. She looked at him, and he pulled her off of the couch and ran up the stairs with her. They went into Kenny's room and Butters automatically went to the closet. He grabbed the old brown guitar case and opened it, taking out the guitar Stan had given Kenny for his birthday.
By the time they figured out what they would do in honor of Kenny it was time to go to the vigil. Of course, other than Kevin and Shelly they were the first ones there; they didn't mind. They had set up Stark's pond with chairs in front of a projector from Stan's house and it looked more like a celebration rather than a memorial gathering. Everything was orange and silver; Kenny's two favorite colors. There were balloons and streamers on the chairs and hung in the trees, and there was even a table with snacks and drinks. It was nice and exactly what Kenny would want. This would be better than a normal funeral or service, Butters felt it.
There was a chair that faced the rest of the chairs and Butters had a sinking feeling it was a chair that would be empty all night. A vase of yellow and peach roses sat next to it, along with an extremely old stuffed animal, and Kenny's folded parka. Pictures in frames littered all around the chair; friends, Kenny, family, and as Butters looked at everything he felt his stomach churn and tears burn his eyes once more.
People started showing up and automatically ran to Butters. They hugged him, told him they were sorry and glad he was okay. Then they'd talk to Karen, and Stan and Kyle, and finally make their way to Kevin, who held Caroline, who held her small giraffe in hand and grinned at all of the people who came to talk to her father.
Bebe was practically hysterical as she arrived, with Wendy holding her close. Butters' heart broke for her; how many times did she have to deal with Kenny dying, to never remember? He didn't want to think about it. Instead he just hugged her close.
Not only friends came, but parents, teachers, people from around town; all to pay their respects and apologize for the loss, and to rejoice that Butters was alive and well. It was wrong, on so many levels, that he was getting more attention than Kenny. After awhile he just stood by Kevin so people wouldn't feel so eager to talk to him.
Finally Kevin stood in front of the microphone they had set up, after all of Kenny's friends and classmates had shown up and most of the parents and adults had left; except the Broflovskis and the Marshes, as well as Stan's uncle Jimbo and Ned. They had viewed Kenny as family and helped bring him up and gave the three McCormick children a place to stay when no one else would let them in their home.
"Thanks for coming... I'm not real good at these kinda things and I don't really know what to say. This was all kinda planned fast and I didn't give this much thought but I didn't really have to. 'Cause Kenny was my brother and he's been through hell and what I'm looking at right now, at all of you, is love and support for him. One thing about my brother is: as pervy and weird as he was," he was interrupted by quiet laughter, "he was the most loyal person you could ever have in your life. He loved each and every one of you unconditionally, no questions asked. Family and friends were the most important thing to him, and he'd give the clothes off his back to make sure each and every one of you was safe and well. And there's proof of that; Butters." His eyes cast down as everyone turned to him, "my brother risked his life to save him from what would have been his own... well, you know. No second thoughts 'bout it. I just... lookin' at all of you, this is what he wanted. He wouldn't want a sad funeral service, he'd want you to just joke around and remember all the good times." He stepped away from the microphone and rubbed at his eyes as he turned. Stan and Kyle walked up next, with Kyle's laptop. They plugged it in the projector and system brought from Stan's house, and Stan approached the microphone.
"Kenny was our best friend, our brother. You wouldn't see us without him. We wanted to make something in his memory... and we hope this is good enough, dude." Stan said, looking up at the sky. Butters had a strong feeling he wasn't up there, though. Kyle pressed a button and audio began to play over a picture of the Kyle, Cartman, Stan, Butters, and Kenny on their trip to Nebraska.
"Is this recording?" Kenny's voice asked over the speakers.
"Yeah, dude..." Butters rolled his eyes as he heard Stan's voice; they were both completely baked.
"Sweet. WELCOME TO THE GRAND ILLUSION! COME ON IN AND SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING. PAY THE PRICE; GET YOUR TICKETS FOR THE SHOOOOOOW!"
"Dude. Weak."
"It's Styx, man! Dude, smell my hand."
"No, sick, gross!"
"No, it smells like apples! Or... not. What the hell is that?"
"It smells like... cherries? Why are you fruity?"
"Heh... I wonder what it tastes like."
"Where has your hand been?"
"Where has it not been is the real question here. Oh, it makes me want to go to Taco Bell."
"What? Fine. We'll go after this."
"After what?"
"We're recording our CD."
"Really?"
"...yeah."
"...oh. Okay, okay, I got one!" Kenny cleared his throat, took a dramatic breath, and belted at the top of his lungs, "CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SOOOON! THERE'LL BE PEACE WHEN YOU ARE DONE! LAY YOUR WEARY HEAD TO REST! DON'T YOU CRY NO MOOOOORE."
Everyone was laughing as the music faded in to the song by Kansas and a picture of Kenny as an infant went on the screen. A few more pictures went by, showing the transition from tiny baby to a little toddler; always wearing orange. A video began to play, and it was of Kenny, in preschool; probably taken by Randy. Stan and Kenny were playing outside of Stan's house, in the old sandbox that was still there, and Stan had just poured one last toy shovel-full of sand over Kenny's now nearly buried body. The only part of him that wasn't buried was his head. His golden hair was wild as he laughed with rosy cheeks and a dirty face.
"What're you two doing?" The voice of Randy asked on the video.
"Playin'!" Stan chirped, Kenny giggled and nodded as he tried to wriggle free.
"I'm a emu!"
"An emu?" Randy asked, Kenny nodded. "Why're you an emu?"
"I'm buried!" Stan nodded triumphantly and stuck the shovel on top of the pile of sand. By now everyone was laughing at their proud faces.
"Emus bury in the sand." Stan explained to his dad, who gave a chuckle and zoomed in on Kenny who was blowing at the long bangs on his head that kept getting in his eyes.
"I think you mean ostriches, they bury their heads in the sand." Both boys gasped and Kenny's face went from pure amusement to dejection as he pouted. A couple "awws" came from various people watching the video.
"You mean I gotta put my head in the sand?!" Kenny whined, his eyebrows furrowed.
"Well, ostriches do. But you're not going to." Kenny huffed in annoyance and slammed his head back into the sand.
"Shit." He said, and the video faded.
Other various videos played, one of Kenny playing with Karen, roughhousing with Kevin, saying ridiculous things with his friends, running into glass doors. Butters watched the moments of Kenny's life tick by right before his eyes, in videos, in songs, and the next one caught his attention. It was him and Kenny sitting on Stan's couch in the basement.
"Are you two okay...?" Kyle asked on the video. Kenny and Butters were on the couch, laughing hysterically for a few minutes. Butters remembered this; it already felt like so long ago. Their laughter seemed to continue for what seemed like forever, and Butters was red in the face while Kenny had tilted his head back as his body shook with hysterical giggles. Butters then sent a smile to Kyle, who was filming, and then poked Kenny's side. Kenny instinctively jerked away and made an awkward squealing noise.
Butters instantly pounced on him and began tickling anywhere he could. Kenny flailed and struggled against him, trying to bite and pull him off as he laughed so much he sobbed. Stan was laughing next to Kyle, who did a cutaway shot to his raven-haired boyfriend, and turned just in time to see the play fight turn to Kenny and Butters falling on the floor. A loud smack was heard as Kenny's head hit the rug over the cement floor.
"I'm sorry!" He heard himself cry and his laughter died, turning to worry. Kenny smirked and flipped Butters beneath him, then let out a victorious "ha!" as he pressed his nose to Butters' and stared with wide blue eyes into his own. Kenny then poked Butters on the nose, then his sides, and he watched as he tried to wriggle away from Kenny.
"I win!" Kenny declared with a proud grin.
"Fine, take me, I'm your prize!" Butters cried dramatically, then threw his head back and put his hand on the forehead. Kenny laughed goofily.
"Mwah!" he exclaimed and kissed Butters' nose. He smiled happily and Butters ran a hand through his hair and smiled adoringly up at him.
The scene faded to one of Butters and Kenny sitting on the bed in the hotel room in Nebraska. Kyle had been asking them stupid questions to pass time, and figured he could use this for graduation videos.
"Kenny, what have you learned this year? And how do you see your future turning out?" The dark blonde gave his dear friend one of his should-be award winning smiles and shrugged his shoulders as he puffed up his cheeks.
"I learned... that I eat a ton." Butters scoffed and shoved him playfully, earning a light tap on the back of his head.
"No, that doesn't work, although yeah, you totally do. Something serious!" Kenny sighed and popped his knuckles, then looked deeply into the camera before snickering.
"I dunno, I just learned to go with it. I mean I dressed up in drag during the homecoming pep rally and sang a love confession to Lee while also confessing to our entire school that I just like sex."
"That's a great way of putting our coming out story." Kyle deadpanned.
"Right! I'll tell the children twenty years from now, "as your dear uncle slash father slash awesome godfather I freed my mind and insecurities by dressing in a puked-on dress worn by your aunt Bebe and told our entire school that I just like all the naughty bits." Not only did Kenny laugh, but Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Butters, as well as everyone watching. Bebe was crying with the saddest smile Butters had seen that day.
"Be serious, Kenneth."
"Fine, Kyleth." Kenny sighed, his laugh fading, and he hummed contentedly, "I just was able to express myself this year, and open up, and so much happened. I mean, that happened, and then some shitty stuff happened. I mean, I was raped. You don't walk away from that as if it never happened. But I learned to cope and get over that stuff, because life goes on, you know? You can't focus on the bad or the sad because there's so much out there... so much good, and love, and exciting things. Like this trip. Like you guys... it's like, why waste my time focusing on one bad night that really screwed me up? I guess without you I wouldn't be able to say that. If I didn't have your support, or your parent's then I would probably be strung out and the Stuart incarnate or somethin', I dunno. It's just... forget it! Something bad happened to you, put a smile on, buck up, and be thankful for what you got. I didn't ever have a lot, and I look at my life now, what I've worked damn hard for... I mean, I'm emancipated. I got my own house, I'm taking care of Karen, I've got the most amazing partner in the world, my best friends right here... I couldn't ask for more. I'm the happiest kid alive!" Kenny chirped happily, then squeezed Butters' hand on the screen; quiet sniffles were heard, "that's what I learned this year. Life goes on, remember the good stuff, forget the bad. I know, I rambled, Leopold, shaddup."
"Would you like to thank the academy?" Stan asked off-screen, voice quiet due to his distance from Kenny. His nose wrinkled as he snickered, and stuck his tongue out in Stan's direction.
"Yes! I fuckin' would, ya asshole!"
"Calm your titties, dude." Kyle said, Kenny grabbed his chest and winked.
"They're beautiful," he said, looking down at his flat chest.
"Okay, where do you see your life going?"
"I'm going to be dead in a ditch."
Well, that was a slap in the face. Butters felt his heart ache as he caught the irony of his blatant sarcasm. But he burst out laughing as Kyle chucked a pillow at him, knocking his glasses askew. "Fine, Jesus! In the next five years I see good things happening. I'll be working and doing online classes for college and moving in with you fagmos in Boulder. I wanna travel, maybe live in Washington... Seattle, or... I dunno, somewhere in Washington. Or Amsterdam."
"You shithead!" Kyle cried, Kenny poked his tongue out again.
"Somewhere I can smoke weed, okay?! God, so I'll be smoking weed with a degree in graphic design and maybe have my own business or just sell my stuff. I'd like to be able to paint and stuff too. I'd like to get a house with Lee, and not get married because the sanctity of marriage is corrupted and I don't get why people are fighting to get married when it's just a stupid legal piece of paper. Like seriously, no one can tell me the strength of how much I love this dude by a signed piece of paper and a few overused vows, when most people who marry end up unhappy or divorced. I never wanna be unhappy with you, so... screw it. I mean if you wanna get married we can but looking into the context of this world, all of the stupid crap that happens and just realizing somewhere in the sands of time we are nothing but a grain of sand and why waste our time when it's so fleeting? In the metaphysical spectrum of our lives, we can be whatever we want to be... it's like, we could be married, we could be joined, we could-"
"Ken, you're doing it again."
"Damn it!" He whined, throwing himself back on the bed, "just hit me next time, Jesus. Do I really ramble that much?!"
"Yes!" four responses came in unison.
"Fine, so I might get married, have babies, and just be happy. Spend time with my family and friends, just doing what I love, and then I'll die. I shall be nothing but sod! Leopold, will you be my unhusband until I am sod?"
"Is this a proposal?"
"Take it as you will, we already have the rings." Butters threw his arms around Kenny and laid back with him on the bed.
"Yes, I'll be your unlawfully wedded unhusband until the end of our days!"
"And then we shall be eternal sod together! So, that means we're on our honeymoon right? Oh, lookie here... a bed! Kyleth, you can either film this, join us, do both, or turn off that camera."
The video transitioned to a picture of the five of them just hanging out, taken a couple of weeks ago. It had been an extremely hot day and Karen snapped a photo of them trying to beat the heat; Kenny's face was in front of a fan and they were all shirtless and in shorts, looking miserable at best. Then it went to a picture of Kenny and Karen, her on his shoulders, and both of them poked their tongues out. They both looked perfect, and happy, in ripped jeans and her in a too-big sweater, he in his orange parka. Then one of he and Kevin, Kenny in a headlock, getting the noogie of his life as his legs wrapped around Kevin's knees to trip him; that had been about a month ago.
That picture faded to one of Cartman and Kenny with light sabers in the middle of Walmart; Cartman had a Darth Vader mask on while Kenny had an Iron Man mask and a plushie Yoda on his shoulder. Their lightsabers were touching and both were posed as if they were actually struggling in a fight; they probably were. Then it was Stan and Kenny, playing guitar and laughing; pure joy had crossed Kenny's features as Stan crossed his eyes, mouth open as he sang. After that was a photo of Kenny sleeping on Kyle's shoulder, looking younger than ever, although it had only been a few months ago. The picture showed the brotherly love between them, and the deep affection and trust they had for one another.
Kyle had held Kenny close and had his own eyes closed, although he was sitting up. Butters knew that was when Kenny was still struggling with the rape, back when he was living with Kyle. And then there was Kenny and Butters, looking at the television, watching "Doctor Who" because Butters "forced" him to every Saturday. Kenny's head rested on Butters' shoulder, with his arms secured tightly around his waist. Butters looked tired comfortable as he rested on Kenny's chest. Their legs were tangled in a mess of skinny jeans and Batman pajama pants with holey socks and purple socks. But they looked so happy. That had been three days ago.
The final picture was of Kenny, by himself, giving his ever-charming smile and flashing his baby blues, knowing full well the person behind the camera would have a fit; that person, of course, being Butters. It was at prom, with his tuxedo and hair finally cooperating with him, and although he was uncomfortable in the suit it was the happiest smile anyone had seen from him in months. Cursive letters appeared under the photo screen reading:
"Kenneth Daniel Aidan McCormick
March 22, 1996- July 5, 2013
"Sleep well, little child. The Lord holds thee now.""
Quiet claps were heard and people began to talk to one another as Kyle and Stan stepped away from the microphone; the picture of Kenny was left on the projector and Butters looked at Karen, who nodded. She grabbed the guitar, took his hand, and walked up to the microphone. They looked at everyone, and they all fell silent. Their friends looked at them with tears in their eyes and shaken expressions and Karen cleared her throat.
"I just want to say thank you for coming, this would mean the world to Kenny. Kevin was right when he said he loved all of you unconditionally and to see you here is proof of that. Kenny is the reason why I have had so much success in my life. If it weren't for him I don't even know if I'd be alive. When we were little he'd give me his pop-tart we'd have for dinner... or half of his frozen waffles so I'd have more, and he was always looking out for me. He always let me sleep with him in the middle of the night when I got scared, he made sure I was safe at school and at home, but most of all he made sure I was happy. All he ever did was give. And now I just... want each of you to make something of your life; for him.
"I wouldn't be here if it weren't for him and I know my life has a purpose; making Kenny proud. Letting him know his efforts weren't in vain. So please, think about that, and never take for granted the love you have in your lives, the little things, and always remember to smile. Because no matter how terrible he was feeling, how hungry and tired and stressed he was feeling, he always managed to smile." Karen said, wiping her eyes. Her hands shook as she looped the guitar strap over her shoulder. It smelled like Kenny; cigarettes and cinnamon and... Kenny. "Kenny was teaching me to play guitar because I've always wanted to be in a band. And when we were little we'd always sing this song to make ourselves feel better... so, Kenny, this is for you." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.
"Oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz?
My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends.
Worked hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends,
So Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz?
Oh Lord, won't you buy me a color TV?
Dialing For Dollars is trying to find me.
I wait for delivery each day until three,
So oh Lord, won't you buy me a color TV?
Oh Lord, won't you buy me a night on the town?
I'm counting on you, Lord, please don't let me down.
Prove that you love me and buy the next round,
Oh Lord, won't you buy me a night on the town?
Oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz?
My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends,
Worked hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends,
So oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz?"
She sang softly and sweetly, her head lifted up to the sky as she sang to Kenny. Her voice was high and pure, angelic like Kenny's. She had no training whastoever; the McCormicks were gifted with pure, natural talent. And she wore so much passion in her expressions as she sang; until it turned real. By the end of the song her shoulders were shaking and tears streamed down her face yet her voice remained strong and unwavering. She sobbed as she turned from the microphone and buried her face in Butters' chest. He kissed her head and walked to Kevin, who wrapped her tightly in his arms and lifted her off the ground with ease.
It was never easy, he realized. It would never get any easier.
Butters felt his stomach swim with nausea as he approached the microphone. He glanced behind him, saw Kenny's smiling face, and bowed his head. He couldn't see their eyes; sympathetic, mournful, proud. He didn't deserve it. He deserved their hatred, their judgment; he was the reason Kenny was dead.
"Kenny w-w-was my best friend." Damn his stutter. He glanced behind once again and prayed for just a little strength. He turned back around and stared at the oak tree where they lay together the first night he returned so long ago, high and eating Taco Bell. The night they confessed their feelings. Kenny was there. He took a deep breath and looked back at his friends.
"He... he got me through so much. He was there for me when I didn't think anyone else was. I mean, he went to Hawaii with me. That's what started it, I think. I d-don't really know. Kenny was... is... surreal... ethereal. He is everything good when everything given him and his family was bad. He found his way through that mess and made a beautiful life for himself. He was, is, the strongest person I know and will ever know. He was the first person who knew I was gay, and the first person to know others were as well. People felt they could tell him anything because he wouldn't tell a soul. Everything and everyone was safe with him. I was safe with him. I was eleven when I realized I had a crush on him and I thought it was wrong. I was raised to believe who I was was wrong. But as my best friend and his confidence in himself he proved to me there was nothing wrong with who I was. He showed me how to love myself, and to love him in return. And I did, I do, I love him so much. And he loved me too. Does love me. I can feel it, feel him. I know he's here, and I know he loves me, and you, every one of you. I didn't think I'd be alive this long, but Kenny saved me. That's the thing about him. He saves. I owe my life to him and..." he trailed off, shaking his head as tears spilled from his eyes, "and yet he's the one that died. Because I was... too absorbed in my own thoughts, too selfish, to even consider him. He would never have done that."
He was sobbing now, and his whole body quaked violently, and his heart caused him pain with every beat, "And he saved me. He suffered and died for me... and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry..." He felt arms around him, and the neck of the guitar at his hands. He turned to see Karen holding him close, and Kevin smiling weakly at him next to Shelly. "I... I was going to sing a song that's kind of... our song but... this says everything..." He took the guitar and began playing the soft quiet chords.
"Circle encircles the earth
Chance and choice break his heart
His innocent arm moves to save me and I am spared
His beautiful arm
Is bloody and cut off
His heart ripped out to show me he loved me
But I wouldn't believe him
He did all that he could
I still would not believe him
I left his arms empty and tied
Outstretched for me until he died
Left his arms empty and tied
Outstretched for me until he died..."
His voice was raw as he sang the song and yet he tried his hardest to sound strong. For Kenny.
"No man shows greater love
Than when a man
Lays down his life
For his beloved
I left his arms empty and tied
Outstretched for me until he died
Left his arms empty and tied
Outstretched for me until he died
Here I am alive
And I don't have the right
And he gave me the right
Costing him his life
New mercies in the morning..."
He trailed off as tears fell down his face. He wiped them away and sniffled, all the while playing the chords to the third verse and closed his eyes. He swore he could feel Kenny's warmth surrounding him, encouraging him to believe he was okay.
"I believe
What if I believe you now?
Could it ever change this heart?
Forgive me, relieve me
And please come back to life
I believe
What if I believe you now?
Could it ever change this heart?
Forgive me, relieve me
And please come back to life
Come back to my life
I believe
What if I believe you now?
Forgive me, relieve me
Please come back to life..."
He finished and looked at his friends and classmates with tears in his eyes, blurring his vision. He looked passed them, at the empty chair, and with the tears making his eyes fuzzy, he swore he saw Kenny sitting with his knees bent to his chest, his head resting on his knees. At that moment he truly knew he was there with them all.
"I-I don't know if any of you have noticed but... Kenny's here," he said, wiping his eyes, "and... he may not be in that exact spot," he was, "but there is also an empty chair for him, to look at all of you, the way he always did, to watch over us, to make sure we're safe. He may not be physically here but spiritually he will always be with us. And to symbolize this, there's that chair... with his childhood stuffed rabbit and his stupid orange parka and pictures. So... just remember that. Remember... remember him."
After he backed away from the microphone he was embraced tightly by someone only recognizable by the blonde curls. He felt Bebe kiss his cheek and run her hands through his hair as she held him.
"That was beautiful, I fucking hate you." she murmured, wiping her eyes. Her makeup was smudged but she didn't seem to care as she looked up at him. "Why did he have to die, Butters?" She whispered, he shook his head; he'd been asking himself the same question. But at the same time he'd rather him die and come back brand new than suffer with those burns; he'd still have scars from it, though. He was a walking scar.
"I don't know... it should have-"
"Don't you dare say it," Bebe hissed, gripping his shoulders, "it shouldn't have been anyone." She answered truthfully; he sighed and nodded at that. She was absolutely right; his stupidity was the reason they were here yet no one seemed to acknowledge that. "All those words you guys said about him, it really made me think about him. I guess we never realized he was that way; he was our class clown but... he loved us all so much." Butters nodded and looked to the empty chair.
"He does love us, he always will." Butters murmured and looked at the white chair in front of the setting sun, and smiled.
After an hour or two of talking and sharing memories mostly everyone had left. Cartman hung out by the chair, he hadn't said a word to anyone, and Butters approached him.
"We're going to s-scatter his ashes over his mom's grave, if you wanna come with us." Butters mumbled. The brunette looked up at him with bloodshot eyes and shook his head.
"I can't get over it. I've killed him tons of times, hell I killed him so I could have his eyes, but... I just can't..." he trailed off, voice cracking as he looked at the rabbit in the chair. One ear was missing, and the button eye had popped off years ago.
"I'm sorry..." Butters trailed off, unsure of whether or not to hug him, "I'm so sorry you did that. I didn't... I didn't want you to."
"But you did, you all did. 'Cause you couldn't do it yourselves. I've never... it's never been like that. He looked... I'll never forget that." Butters shook his head and picked up the rabbit, clutching it tight. Cartman took the vase, now full of flowers, and the chair.
"The worst part is..." Butters trailed off, "no one will remember. Just us and Kevin and Karen."
"Craig will but that doesn't fucking count. He's an asshole." Butters nodded and gave a gentle smile to Cartman. Craig hadn't even gone to the vigil. Cartman smiled back and led the way to help the others stack the chairs. "I guess I could go with you guys to the cemetery." Butters nodded simply as he took down the streamers and the balloons. "Remember when we went through the drive-thru and he used helium to order food?" Butters laughed and Kyle and Stan snickered as they approached.
""Can I have an order of bangers and mash?"" Kyle asked, repeating what Kenny had said long ago.
""What do you mean we don't have bangers and mash?!"" Stan added, Butters giggled and Cartman smirked as he inhaled the helium from the balloon.
"He was such a fucking faggot," Cartman said, then laughed as his voice raised in pitch, "this is so fucking awesome!" Kevin facepalmed as he watched them all inhale the balloons and Karen covered her mouth as she stifled her laughter.
"He was my fucking faggot and I love him!" Butters cried, voice much higher than he was used to, "oh my God I sound so weird!"
"Like a chipmunk!" Kyle cried, then burst out laughing.
"Oh my God!" Stan exclaimed, the fell on the ground as he fell into a fit of hysterical giggles. Karen approached, took the balloon from Cartman, who glared at her, and inhaled it.
"Guys!" She yelled, trying her hardest not to laugh as her voice sounded squeaky, "get your asses back to work!" there she lost it, and tears from laughing trickled from her eyes, "why have I never done this?!" Kevin groaned in annoyance, then approached the five teens, taking the balloons from them.
"Fuckin' immature," he mumbled, yet Butters caught his grin and saw his conspicuous inhale. He bit back his smile and stared at him, waiting, waiting...
"Get back to fuckin' work, shitheads!"
They all roared with laughter, this time Cartman fell on the ground, and Shelly shook her head with a gentle smile at her boyfriend, who grinned smugly at her as he held her close.
As Butters carried a trash bag full of decorations to the dumpster down by the pond, something caught his eye. Specifically, someone sitting at the bench at the edge of the pond. His heart hammered in his chest and he blinked, wondering if it was just his imagination. That person was still there, and he didn't even think as his feet ran to the bench.
"K-Kenny?"
A quiet, startled gasp was heard, and Butters froze. The person who stared at him was in fact, not Kenny. His face fell in both awe and in sadness.
"Y-you... you came," he murmured, approaching the bench.
"Yup," the monotone voice of Craig Tucker sounded morose and his mis-matched eyes looked almost grey as they stared out onto the water. The reflection of the setting sun glittered beautifully, and a quiet cough was heard. Butters sat next to the raven-haired teen and bit his lip.
"Are you okay?" He asked gently. It was light enough to see his eyes were lined with red, and Craig looked more like a child than a teenager. Butters' heart ached as he realized he had been crying. But he nodded and quickly pulled out a cigarette. He offered one to Butters, who accepted much to Craig's surprise.
"I'm fine," he mumbled, "he'll be back." Butters nodded and took the lighter from Craig once his cigarette was lit. The blonde inhaled the smoke and almost enjoyed the burn in his throat.
"Yeah he will..." the bright blonde trailed off, billows of smoke expelled from his mouth as he spoke. Craig took a drag then puffed out a couple of smoke rings.
"Kenny taught me that," he actually said, "he can put smoke rings in smoke rings." Butters laughed gently.
"Inception," he replied, Craig nodded and flicked the cigarette; ashes fell onto the grass and the noirette sighed heavily. "Why does this feel different?"
"I don't know..." Craig trailed off uneasily as he watched the waves crash against the rocks. They looked shiny and slimy. "But it's not." Butters shook his head, but a part of him felt it was. A part of him was worried Kenny was never coming back. "I don't hate him." The bright blonde looked to him and waited for him to finish his thought; but perhaps he never would.
Finally, Butters decided to respond.
"I know," he murmured with a sad smile. "You made him happy." Craig scoffed and flicked his cigarette again.
"I don't see how," was his reply.
"Oh, I can. You don't tolerate bull shit and you helped him when no one else really could. You're just... a rock. You're strong, someone that we can depend on, and you're kinda funny in a sarcastic sort of way. But you got Kenny when no one else could, and in turn you let him understand you more. You were the most normal aspect of his life when everything was so fucked up. He needed that... he still does. And I know you care about him, and I'm sorry if you still have feelings for him, I am... but I think you'll both always have something from each other. You made an impact on him, and I know he did on you too, even though you won't show it. I know you care... I saw you get defensive when people talked about the rape. I know it bothered you... but you were hurt too."
Craig looked at him as if he had just spoken fluent Portuguese. He was quiet as he mulled over what Butters had said.
"I didn't even know what to say when that happened..." he finally mumbled, "what could I have said? I would have been the last person he'd want knowing. But I knew. I always know... I don't know how or why. I just... know."
"Maybe it has to do with those laser eyes," Butters teased; Craig scoffed and pulled at the strings of his ever-present hat. "You're not too late to say anything. But someday you might be. I think you both need to say something, actually. Clear the air... I know it's easier said than done, but..." Craig just shrugged and tossed his cigarette on the ground. Out of instinct with Kenny, Butters stomped it out; Craig sent him a genuine smile.
"Butters?!" He heard Kyle call for him. Craig stood up at that and the bright blonde blushed, for some reason.
"I'll let you get to it," the black haired boy mumbled. His thin fingers let go of the strings on either side of his face and for a brief moment his hands reminded him of Kenny's.
"O-oh, all right... I mean it though, Craig. I think Kenny would like that..."
"Yeah..." he trailed off quietly, then walked a ways before he stopped. "Hey, Butters?"
"Y-yeah?"
"Thanks." At that Craig walked away and didn't turn back. Butters watched him for a brief moment, then smiled as he walked back up to help clear away everything with his friends.
Once the chairs were all stacked and placed back at the community center they got in two cars and drove to the cemetery. They met up outside of the gates and Kevin unlocked them. They had a short amount of time; they had to leave by the time it was dark, and the only light came from the deep red at the bottom of the horizon.
He and Karen knew the way to their mother's grave, Kenny could have walked it with his eyes closed, and Karen clutched the wooden box tight. They all circled around the tombstone; Kevin kissed his hand, then touched the marble stone.
"Hey, ma, it's been awhile. I wish it wasn't for this but... we're here to bring Kenny to you. I'm sure you're already chattin' it up in heaven but..." Kevin trailed off and nodded to Karen. He put his hand on her shoulder and she opened the box, making sure not to look inside. "I'm really gonna miss you, bud. I'm proud of you." Kevin mumbled.
"I love you Kenny, I know you'll always watch over me. Keep mom company..." was all Karen said. She looked to Butters, who sighed heavily.
"I'll always love you, Kennethl. You're my soulmate and I know we'll see each other soon." Karen hid her smile and Cartman snorted. Kyle grimaced as he looked at the gravestone, then the box.
"You've been like a brother to me and I just... I can't let you go, this is so unreal. Like a dream. I don't want to live without you, Kenny. But I'll always have you in my heart. I love you."
"It's not fair," Stan mumbled, "it's not fair you had to die, but if I were in your situation I'd do the same. You're my brother and... fuck, dude, you don't deserve this. I love you tons. Give heaven hell, Kenny."
Karen and Kevin scattered the ashes over the grave, and she set the box next to the tombstone. She kissed the marble and wiped her eyes as she looked up at the night sky. Butters put his arm around her, as Kevin did, and soon they all joined in a group hug.
They were a family. A family of misfits and delinquents brought together by blood and bonds. They'd always have each others' backs. They'd always have Kenny. Butters smiled at the moon, at the stars overhead, then at the ground; he'd be back to bind their family together once again. He couldn't function without him. None of them could.