My very first crackfic. Which, the idea was really more of a collaborative effort with kingdomfaraway, MinecraftBees, and OllieCollie2000, and then happyaspie was happy to contribute thoughts as I wrote it.
Some not-too-bright criminals realize Spiderman might have a weakness after all. They bring in some live bait, in the form of furry, fluffy, goodness. Excitement ensues.
This was supposed to be like 1000 words. Actually, this wasn't supposed to be. I was trying to finish 200 Park Avenue today. But instead: This. Sometimes weird things happen on Discord…
"Tell me again why you think this is gonna work?" Cara asked her co-worker, eying the fluffy canine at his side. Well. Was what they did "work?" Partner-in-crime? Nah. Her work-proximity associate? Anyway.
"Dude, haven't you seen all the pictures?" Gordon said. "Spiderman's always like, rescuing cats in trees, and helping lost dogs find their homes. We just have to spot him patrolling, and let her loose nearby. Her tag has a number, and he'll call it, and he'll totally bring her right back to us, and we can grab him!"
"Where did you get this dog?" she asked, petting the soft terrier mix.
"It's a friend's. She'll be fine."
"I just somehow feel like you haven't thought this through."
"I've totally thought it through. My gramma's cool to play the little old lady who can't drive to come get her lost dog."
"Your gramma? Dude… "
"What? She's always up to earn a benjamin. And it's not like Spidey's gonna hurt her, even if things go south. She's like… ninety. He's not the type."
"Isn't he super strong? How are you going to keep him once you catch him?"
"Uh… I dunno. Threaten the dog?"
Cara raised an eyebrow of disbelief.
"My cousin has these really big chains. I bet I can borrow those. Here, watch her for like an hour, and I'll be back!"
"Gordon! No! Get back here!"
I can't believe I'm helping you with this," Cara growled, as they hung out on the bridge with binoculars, watching for Spiderman, who usually showed up somewhere in Queens about this time on Thursdays.
"You owed me. Plus, if we can catch him, it could mean big money, and you'll get a cut!"
"What's the plan, exactly? If you can catch him, and if you can keep him?"
"My friend, Julio, said he can put word out on the dark web, and see what the highest bidder will offer. We'll have him like twenty-four hours, tops before we get the money, I bet."
Cara sighed, not necessarily liking this. But also, not necessarily believing there was any chance of success, and she did owe Gordon. She just hoped they didn't make Spiderman too mad, and that nothing happened to the dog. She was fairly fond of dogs herself, but couldn't have them in her apartment.
"Hey, look! There he is!" Gordon picked up his cell and triggered a call. "Confirmed sighting by that sandwich shop, just like we thought. Release the dog and set the bait."
Cara knew Gordon's nephew was supposed to be holding the dog by its collar, and asking loudly if she belonged to anyone.
"Yeah, stay on the line so I can hear." Gordon said to the kid, then put his phone on speaker, and set it down.
"Hey, does anyone know whose dog this is? She just showed up here… Hey, is this your dog? Hey, does anyone know whose dog this is? Hey, someone help me with this, please!"
"Oh, hi Spiderman!" The kid sounded appropriately impressed.
"Hey kid, what's going on with the dog?"
"Oh, I found her, and I think she's lost. Can you help?"
"Yeah, of course… Let's see, she has a tag, it looks like. Did you call this number?"
"Nah, I forgot my phone. Can you?"
Cara listened to Spidey's end of the conversation with Gordon's Gramma.
"Yes, ma'am, we've got her here and she's safe. Do you want to come get her? Oh, you can't drive? Um… what's your address? Yeah, I think I can get her there. It's not too far. Just give me maybe ten minutes."
"Hurry, go, go, go!" Gordon yelled as he ended the call. Cara's eyes were wide as she stumbled into the passenger seat. They were really doing this.
Three hours later, she was rolling her eyes while Gordon drowned his sorrows at their favorite dive bar.
"We were so close."
"Kinda. You really thought a giant blanket over the top of him and a few heavy chains were gonna do it? You couldn't even get them on right, and he was out and gone in like ten seconds…"
"It should have worked! I just wasn't fast enough. Even though he's strong, if he gets all tangled up, I should have time for the chains. Maybe I just need somewhere more secure to keep him. Or something to knock him out. The dog part worked though. We can keep that."
"Dude, he's not gonna fall for that again."
"Eh, I think he might. He really seems to like dogs. We'll just make the dog look different, and cut out the phone call part."
Gordon picked up his cellphone and found the contact he was looking for.
"Hey, Rick! Thanks for today… Yeah, she was great. I think she really enjoyed the fresh air. Hey. Can we, uh… borrow her again on like Wednesday?"
Cara sighed and took a very large drink. She really needed a real job. This was getting old.
"Gordon, it's so obviously the same dog."
"Nuh-uh! I rubbed corn starch into her fur, so she's a lot whiter. And she's got a black collar this time instead of a pink one."
Cara just rolled her eyes. "Let's get this over with. You sure she'll come when you whistle?"
"Yeah, we worked on it all morning. She knows I've got real bacon slices for her if she does."
"Okay, dude."
Gordon had employed another sketchy nephew-or-niece-or-someone to come running and tell Spidey something was going down in the warehouse district a few blocks away, and, surprisingly, it actually worked. Gordon had left Snuffy (yes, that was really her name) tied up right outside the warehouse, and after about ten minutes of snooping around, Spidey noticed her.
"Hey, girl, what are you doing here? Who left you? Huh. You look kind of familiar."
He untied the dog, and was holding the rope lightly when Gordon blew the nearly-silent dog whistle. From her vantage point, Cara saw Spidey's head shoot up at the same time as Snuffy's. Huh. Had he heard that? The dog made a beeline inside the warehouse and straight to the square where she knew Gordon would have put the bacon. A surprised Spiderman followed, almost quickly enough to catch her. As he crossed the warehouse floor, Gordon triggered his elaborate trap, which was a giant cream-colored parachute, bricks attached at the edge to make it fall straight down fast.
Not quite fast enough, though. Spiderman looked up just as Gordon pushed the button (how did he do that?) and easily moved out of the way. The masked vigilante watched the bricks slam to the ground (a little more slowly than Gordon had hoped, thanks to the parachute) and looked disapprovingly at them. Then he asked the room at large, "What if one of those had hit her?!" Then he scooped up the not-so-small dog easily, and was gone in a flash, the dog's surprised yelp at being swung into the air echoing through the warehouse.
"Great," Cara spat out. "Now you lost Rick's dog, and you definitely didn't catch Spiderman."
"Ugh. Rick's gonna be so mad." Gordon just glared stubbornly at his Spider-less parachute on the floor.
"Also, I'm gonna need a different dog."
"Are you serious?"
This time there were puppies. "Gordon, where did you get puppies?" Two cute little spaniel-y looking dogs, both small enough to tuck under her arm were looking dolefully at Cara from the plastic tote he put them in. He'd been nice enough to give them food and water, and a ratty blanket, but-
"It's not like I could borrow Snuffy. Rick got her back, because of her microchip, but he won't even talk to me," he said in disgust "Someone in my building found them, and was gonna take them to the humane society. Wasn't that lucky?"
"Gordon, what's gonna happen to them after this? You can't just use dogs like that. What's the plan ?"
"I dunno, Cara! They're cute - someone'll want them! I'll figure that out after! They're fine for now, and they're gonna be the bait. I rented that giant steel shipping container just two blocks over, and I'd like to see Spidey get out of that."
"So, what? You're gonna stick the puppies in there, lure him in, and then just slam it closed?"
"I'm not even gonna have to lure him. If he's nearby, and they're bored and crying, he's the only one who'll hear them. And it's rigged to slam itself closed when he gets close to them."
"Why am I getting 'big box held up with a stick and a string' vibes?" she asked dryly.
Gordon just scoffed at her.
Cara looked down at the darling puppies and felt uncomfortable. "And if he doesn't come? You won't leave them in there long, right?"
Gordon just rolled his eyes at her. "Stop worrying, Cara. They'll be fine."
Gordon's plan actually worked perfectly this time. Except it didn't. Gordon had gone for the predictable Thursday afternoon patrol-time for his first attempt at catching Spiderman's attention with whining puppies, and put them in the shipping container in their box about an hour before. He didn't count on them not only whimpering, but starting to cry with intent about fifteen minutes in, upset at being stuck in the box in the almost-dark all by themselves.
That's when things went sideways. Gordon got the motion detection alert from his camera before they'd even gotten a Spidey sighting that afternoon.
He swore, rushing over to check it out on the cracked laptop screen.
Instead of the spandex-clad vigilante, there was just a normal high school student, backpack-and-all, peering into the container.
"No, no, no. Go away!"
But obviously the teenager couldn't hear him, and did not go away.
"Hey little guys!" They heard scratchily through the old camera. "What are you doing in here?"
And then the trap was sprung, and door slammed shut, and Gordon had caught himself one very ordinary, completely-boring teenage boy.
Who did not seem that surprised, or upset.
"Well, crap. This was a trap, wasn't it?"
How the heck did he know that? They glumly watched the boy move carefully around the container, testing the doors, comforting the puppies, who were still whining a little, then obviously spotting the camera. At that point he finally sighed, sat down, and pulled out his phone.
"Hey, Tony? … Yeah, hi." The boy grimaced.
Yeah, I was going to, but I kinda got myself in a predicament." He winced.
"No, relax! No blood, nothing's broken! I'm just… stuck."
Cara tilted her head in interest. Who was he talking to, and what did normally get himself into on the way home from school? Gordon was just making annoyed growling noises and literally pulling some of his hair out.
The boy's conversation continued.
"Um, I think it was kinda a trap. See, there were these puppies, and they were crying, and I came looking for them before I did my, uh, other after-school stuff, and they were in this dark shipping container, and-"
It was silent for a minute while the boy listened. The other end must have been loud, because Cara saw him grimace and pull the phone about a foot away from his ear.
"Tony, I know ! But what was I supposed to do? They're just babies! Ugh. Can you… can you just come get me? The door slammed shut, and it's locked, and I'm just me, y'know? And there's a camera."
"Oh. Yeah. Of course you're already on your way. Okay, I'll just wait."
What… was happening?
About four minutes later, they had made their way to the outside of the shipping container. Gordon was trying to figure out how to open it without the boy inside seeing them, when a loud boom above and behind them surprised them.
Cara glanced back abruptly at the noise and nearly fell over. Freaking Iron Man was just dropping down behind them, kicking up dust in his wake. Gordon made a high-pitched squeaking noise and backed up fast.
"Well, what have we here?" Tony Stark's electronically-enhanced voice was cold, and did nothing to reassure them.
"Um, nothing, sir!" Gordon finally managed. Cara just rolled her eyes. Did he really think this was going to end well?
"Uh, we think there's a kid trapped in there. Kinda accidentally," Cara murmured the last part.
"Kinda accidentally, huh? Is that how we're playing it?"
Cara swallowed nervously. Gordon was just silent and staring, eyes darting to the side as he obviously contemplated escape routes.
"Well, we were trying to catch something… else, but then this kid went in there instead," Cara explained, trying hard not to squeak herself. "That part really was an accident."
"Well, lucky you. You managed to catch my intern. Who I'd like back, immediately."
"Yes, sir!" Gordon finally managed, hurrying over to open the big lever that held the door shut. When it opened, the teenager on the other side blinked at the bright light. He was ready to go, with his backpack straps in place, and had a squirming puppy under each arm.
"So what, you were conveniently absent the day they taught you about how not to get taken by strangers? I'm pretty sure 'come pet my cute puppy' was one of the bullet points."
The teenager stepped out, looking sheepish. "Uh, thanks. For coming."
"No problem. But where do you think you're going with those?" Mr. Stark's helmeted chin tipped down at his precious cargo, seemingly unimpressed.
The teenager turned a surprisingly steely expression on Gordon and Cara. "Are these your puppies?"
Gordon started to stammer an affirmative, but Cara pushed him slightly, cutting him off. "No. He just got them just for this. Someone else was going to take them to a shelter." Somehow she had a feeling these puppies were going to end up in better circumstances if Tony Stark's intern walked away with them than if Gordon did.
"Tony." The boy's gaze shifted to the armored superhero, his expression turning beseeching.
"No."
"Please? Look at them!" The puppies' eyes matching Peter's in an uncanny impression.
"Ugh. Fine. But only for a few days, until you can find them a better home."
"Thank you! I'm sure we can find somewhere good. Uh… can Happy come pick us up?"
"He cannot. Happy has the day off. Looks like you're traveling Iron Man Express, the hero said wryly."
"Again? Seriously?"
Cara and Gordon exchanged looks of disbelief. This was the weirdest intern-boss relationship Cara had ever seen. Especially considering one of the pair was such a high-profile celebrity. Why hadn't anyone ever heard of this kid?
Speaking of…
Iron Man suddenly turned to the two of them. "Hey, this reminds me. My pal Spiderman said something about someone using a dog when they were trying to catch him. That's not what this was, right ?"
Suddenly extremely nervous, they both shook their heads hesitantly.
"That's good. Because he wasn't very happy about it, and I got the feeling it wasn't going to end well for whoever it was if he caught them next time. Just a head's up. Are we gonna see any more problems like this from you two?"
"No, sir."
"No."
"Good. Up you go, kid," he said, turning to the teenager.
"Fine," he muttered, having shifted his grip on both puppies to bring them in close to his chest.
Iron Man scooped up the random teenager and puppies, backpack and all, and blasted into the air (a little slower than he'd arrived).
There had to be a job out there that could pay the bills without involving all this. What if Iron Man hadn't been so forgiving? What if the kid had accidentally been hurt? Things would not have ended well.
Cara looked at Gordon and shook her head. "I. Am. Done."
"Cara, I have other ideas. We're just fine-tuning things!" her idiot co-worker protested.
"See ya, Gordon. Or not."
Bonus :
One Month Later:
Peter Parker dropped his backpack on the ground as he entered the penthouse of Stark Tower.
"Hello?" No scampering feet greeted him. His brow creased in concern.
"In here, kid."
He walked around the corner, and there were his babies. One was tucked on either side of the great Tony Stark, completely passed out where they sat on the couch.
"Um." His brain had short-circuited. "I thought Analise was watching them today…" ( The necessity of a "puppy nanny" if two young puppies were going to be living at the Tower had given Peter pause. It seemed like such a huge rich-person expenditure. But at the same time, that meant he got to keep the pair, plus it meant someone like Analise had a job. So, pros and cons… )
"She called in sick. So it was me," Tony said gruffly.
"I'm… sorry?" He huffed out a laugh, and tried to muffle it, and hide his smile with a hand.
"What?" Tony raised an eyebrow.
"Are you… snuggling with my puppies?"
"What did you want me to do? They were tired, but wouldn't go to sleep. And they have these big, stupid, trademarked sad-puppy-dog eyes just like another adolescent I know," Tony said, glaring at Peter.
Peter just grinned. "Can I get you anything? You look a little trapped there."
"Nah. Just grab a snack and get over here and sit with us. I've been waiting for you to watch the next episode of the Dog Whisperer."
"Excuse me?"
"Cesar Milan? Remember, we were watching it last week?" Tony acted like Peter should know exactly what he was talking about.
"I was watching it. I didn't know you were paying attention."
"Well, I need to know what's going on in their heads if they're gonna live here, right?"
"Yep. Good thinking, Tony. I'll be right back."
Peter went into the kitchen, silently laughed into his hoodie front for a good thirty seconds, and then returned with a granola bar and an apple, settling casually next to his mentor and his adorable puppies.
"Which episode are we on?"
(inspiration for Peter's puppies are two King Charles Cavaliers we recently got. There's a pic of them in this same story, "How to Catch a Spiderman." Same username!)