Chapter 10
(Vibe: Silver Coin by Angus & Julia Stone)
The first thing she noticed about him was his complexion and that he didn't look as pale as he had. Then there was his eyes and how they didn't look as intense, they didn't stare at her as harshly and they didn't jump around as wildly. They didn't look as red and painful.
As she sat herself up, he turned to face her. He didn't jump at the sudden movement or glare when she surprised him. He looked her over with a simple acceptance in his eyes. Clearly, he had been waiting for her to wake up and it showed in the placid and contented look that he wore.
There was something softer about his expression and about the way he held himself. It was somehow more approachable and it made the space around him feel less tense.
It filled her with more hope for the future then she'd allowed herself to feel before.
He dropped the pile of branches by the fire and slowly started tossing them onto the dying flames, causing them to flare up once more.
He met her eyes again, before he stood up and took the pot with him to the stream. While she stayed in place and watched him move around the camp.
Ever since she had gotten here, It had felt like she was reaching for him, but he was always just out of reach. But right now she was sure if she stretched her hand just a little further, she would be able to grab a hold of him again.
That thought led her to the next problem she had to deal with. And how she was going to go about it.
She thought about slipping the pill into his coffee, just like she had done the night before with the sleeping pill. But the idea of drugging him multiple times a day, didn't feel like something she could pull off.
Very soon, she was hoping he wouldn't need the sleeping pills. But the other pills that had been made up for Daryl, was something he was going to need to take for some time to come.
Ultimately the pills were Lavender oil. That's what Michonne had told her. They were a natural calmative and they were apparently going to help Daryl deal with his anxiety.
Siddiq, the new doctor in Alexandria, had said there were any number of things that might help Daryl, but he didn't feel comfortable prescribing strong drugs to someone he hadn't even met.
But this was something that though he swore was not only effective, but natural and wasn't likely to cause any damage. It was the safest option.
What she wasn't sure of, was if Daryl would take them if he knew what they were. She didn't really know where he stood on such things. It wasn't something they'd ever talked about. It would be easy for him to refuse them, she wouldn't really be surprised if he did. Especially in the mindset that he was in right now. She wasn't even sure if Daryl was lucid enough to know that he needed help.
He hung the pot over the flames and started gathering what he needed to make some coffee for them and she smiled at his efforts.
She was already lying to him, she could glitter it up all she wanted, but in the end she was tricking him. So what was one more lie?
She sighed heavily and promised herself that she would eventually come clean and tell him everything she had done.
She hoped that when the time came for to tell him, that Daryl would have adjusted enough to sit down and have an actual conversation about it.
And if doing all this meant that a conversation was something she could one day have with him, then it would all be worth it.
She got up from her spot and sat herself next to him. Once again he regarded her with nothing more then a soft acknowledgement of her presence, before he went back to what he was doing. That reaction pushed her to continue on with what she was planning out in her head.
She pulled the small container from the bag as Daryl started pouring the coffee's. She waited until after he handed her a cup and settled himself beside her with his own, before she pulled a pill from the bottle.
"Can you take this?" she asked, holding the pill out to him.
He looked from the capsule in her hand, to her face with a raised brow. Silently questioning her.
"It's just some antibiotics. To make sure you don't get an infection. That's all."
Again he looked from the pill to her face, inspecting whatever it was that he could see in her expression.
"I just want to make sure your healthy. That's all." she promised softly.
And that much was very true. She wanted him healthy and happy. She didn't want him jumping at his own shadow or hitting himself in some horrible attempt to rid himself of the screaming in his mind.
Finally, he bobbed his head slightly before taking the pill from her and quickly swallowing it down.
It would be weeks before the pills could fully take effect, but she hoped that it would eventually help him find some peace.
She guessed that what she was looking at now was a new version of the episodes that Daryl suffered through.
They looked a lot like the old ones, but he didn't seem as committed to them. He didn't seem as stuck in them. They didn't seem as violent.
He had started to drift off very soon after they had eaten lunch. She had seen the vacant look growing more intense as time went by and she had tried to talk to him, to keep him grounded, but it hadn't worked.
There was so much confusion and distress in his eyes right now, that it had her concerned.
Now that he had slept, maybe it was easier for him to focus on whatever was playing out in his head. She wasn't really sure. But she could see that anger and frustration that had always mixed been into these ordeals, was nowhere to be seen in his expression. And as distant as he looked right now, he didn't appear erratic or crazed.
It was hard to tell if it was a good thing or a bad thing. Because though he didn't appear to be completely detached from reality, he did look as though someone had pushed their hand into his chest and was squeezing his heart.
What Daryl was experiencing was very different to what he had grown used to. She guessed his reaction to the attack was owing more to the fact that he hadn't experienced anything like it before and he didn't know how to respond.
She could see his chest rising and falling with each breath he took. She could see the way he was hunched forward slightly as he paced. How his steps were slowing to the point where he wouldn't be walking at all very soon.
She moved towards him, watching him closely.
She was sure that something was about to happen. She just didn't know what.
She rushed to his side as he stuttered out the broken sounds that got louder and louder. She reached him as he covered his face with his hands and started shaking his head frantically.
She lightly took his wrists in her hands and tugged on them, hoping he would pull his hands from his face and look at her.
"Daryl!"
He didn't respond to her pleas and it was clear that he was in to much distress to do much of anything.
She followed him to the ground as he dropped to his knees. Begging him to look at her, to listen to her, to know that he was here with her. But it didn't could hear her, but couldn't accept what she was saying, or that maybe the demons in his head wouldn't let him.
She couldn't take a second more of the pained cries and the pleading sound that he was wailing out.
She let go of his wrists and took hold of his shoulders, pulling his large form into hers. He collapsed into her, causing her to sway back as he slid down her chest, until his head landed on her lap.
She leaned forward and folded her body over his and pressed her face into his hair.
She told him he was, that it was over and that he was going to be ok. She kept telling him these things over and over again, praying that he would eventually listen to them.
There was no way of telling what flipped the switch in his head. Suddenly his hands were unclasped from his face and his arms were wrapping around her waist, then he was burying his face into her stomach.
She continued to make promises to him long after his breathing slowed. She kept her face buried in his hair and her hands moving over shoulders long after his body finally relaxed into hers. She stayed like that with him for hours, until he was ready to move.
In the week that followed, she could see that everything had changed. He had changed. But he hadn't changed back to the Daryl she used to know, he wasn't even close.
But still, he had changed.
He took the pills each morning. Then without knowing, he was also taking the sleeping pills at night. And there were whole days when he didn't slip away from her. He would stay grounded and aware.
But on those days when he couldn't seem to hang onto reality, she was right there with him now, holding him as close as she could and talking him through the dark halls of his mind until he found his way back into the light once more.
The episodes didn't last for hours on end anymore and he wasn't alone through them. There were even times when he approached her right before it was ready to start, right when he knew he was going to loose control. He would seek her out for the comfort and safety that she was ready to willingly hand over.
He could sit next to her, like he was right now and he didn't seem paranoid or angry. He didn't glare at her for no reason and he didn't shy away from her.
He was within her reach now. She didn't feel like she was loosing him anymore.
"Do you remember?" she asked, recalling a day when they were all still living at the prison.
He looked at her blankly as he ate his dinner beside her. He didn't look uncomfortable or annoyed, like he would have looked weeks ago when she first arrived. He merely looked a little lost.
"You and Rick argued about it for days after….Months" she added, wondering if he simply needed to have his memory jogged.
The story was one that she had heard Rick and Daryl argue over, time and time again. It was nothing of great importance. Not anymore. But it was a topic that both Daryl and Rick returned to often.
Daryl and Rick had hooked up a generator, that was only to be used in emergencies. Daryl had sworn the thing was ready to go. He had insisted that it was grounded and there wouldn't be any problems with it.
The problem was that when the time came to use it, it had sparked and then given Rick a shock that jolted through him hard enough that it knocked him off his feet and had his heart pounding in his chest.
What followed the accidental electrocution was an argument that seemingly never ended.
Someone was at fault and Daryl wouldn't accept the blame. He would fight it out with Rick all day if given the chance.
Daryl had been sure that Rick had done something wrong, he was sure that Rick had somehow messed with the finely tuned system and then caused the shock himself.
Rick argued that the system had never been finely tuned to begin with. He constantly pointed out that Daryl, though he was good at a lot of things, he was not an electrician. From there the argument would continue on for hours if given the chance.
The pair of them had cleared rooms when they started up the tired discussion. No one lingered around them for long when they got going again, because they had heard it all before and truly couldn't bare to hear it again.
Away from Daryl and Rick, the rest of the group were complaining that the two men were driving them crazy. They'd had mock votes about removing them and made jokes about driving the two men far enough away that they wouldn't be able to find their way back. They had decided that it would be better if the two of them continued this fight out on the road, where they didn't run the risk of pushing everyone to the brink of insanity.
Slowly he met her eyes and looked over her face. His expression was soft and there was a slight shake of his head.
"No?" she questioned. But he didn't offer her another reply.
"At one point I was sure you were going to start a fist fight over it." she smiled to herself as the memory hit her. "That day in the library, when you were moving those tables out…" She stopped when his expression didn't change. "You really don't remember?"
He shook his head again and looked back down at his bowl. "Wasn't me" he said simply before he started eating again.
There were two reasons why she sat starring at him with her lips parted and her eyes wide.
The sound of his voice instantly struck something inside of her and it felt like hearing it had knocked the air out of her chest.
It was a hard thing to describe, missing the sound of someone speak. It was hard to describe what it was about the sound that you missed, what hearing it each day meant to you.
And then there was what he had said.
Her mind repeated those simple words over and over again.
"But you remember it. Right?" she whispered.
Daryl nodded in reply, locking his eyes on her cautiously.
"But it wasn't you" she confirmed.
He shook his head once and watched her carefully.
He was waiting for her reaction, he was clearly worried with what that reaction might be. It was right then that a hundred different things in her head clicked together and finally made some sense. Things he had done, things he had reacted to, they finally made sense to her.
She let out a shaky breath and smiled at him, nodding to herself as she spoke. "Ok. That's ok."
A wave of relief came over him and she could see the faintest hint of a smile on his mouth. She could see his shoulders slouch forward as more of the tension and nervousness left his body.
She didn't question him about their past anymore. Because he had made it clear that it no longer belonged to him.
She wasn't a doctor. She didn't know how to reconnect him to something the he had dissociated himself from.
His mind had pushed everything away to protect him. From what she didn't know and maybe she never would.
She figured that at some point in that compound Daryl had been given a fresh slate, but then that to had been tainted by the torture that he had endured.
She watched him as he ate and it hit her then that the Daryl she knew wasn't coming back. He was never going to be the same way that he was because that person no longer existed.
It took everything she had, not to fall to pieces at the thought.
She waited until the sleeping pills had spread through his system and he laid down by her, resting his head on her lap, before she let the weight of his words fully dawn on her.
She combed through his hair with her fingers and watched him sleep. And during the night as he rested there with her, she mourned the loss of the man he was.
Maybe people would see it as giving up, but it didn't feel like that. It felt like acceptance. He didn't need her trying to shape him back into the person that he was. If she tried to do that, then she would be doing for herself, not for him. He needed her to help him go forward, not drag him backwards.
It was still Daryl.
He could cut himself off from memories and feelings, but in the end, deep down he was the man that she knew. And she would gladly take that. She was grateful that she still had him in some way.
A/N: Reviews are really appreciated and give me the kick I need to get this story moving. So please let me know what your thinking.