TW FOR MENTION OF LOSS OF PREGNANCY IN THIS CHAPTER
Early July, 1985
"So, when we have our birthday dinner for Neville and Harry, of course we'll have Gellert and Arcturus and Filius here, and I was thinking we could invite the Lovegoods and the Tonkses over, and perhaps Amelia Bones and her niece Susan. Maybe also the Abbotts? I haven't seen William or Isabelle in a while, and Hannah is just the cutest little button of a girl. What do you think?"
"Yeah, sure."
Alice looked at Marlene with a concerned expression. It wasn't like her to be this dismissive, especially regarding something with the kids.
Sure, at first Marlene avoided the children like they carried a plague. But she also avoided everyone that wasn't Sirius, or sometimes Alastor Moody when he came about for dinner, which had happened more and more often since seeing him got a rare smile out of Marlene and Sirius wanted to help her gently recover.
It must have worked, since she was able to tolerate attending a big dinner for the boys' birthdays the July after she came back, but Sirius said she was extra reclusive in the days that followed.
Now, a whole year later, Marlene had made significant progress in her ability to be around others. She sometimes had a slip and would start panicking, but it wasn't as difficult to calm her down as it used to be. They had found out by accident that the person who could easily calm her down from any anxiety attack or flashback was not Sirius, but Harry. She once explained to Alice that it was very grounding to have such an innocent being in her arms, and he looked enough like Lily that it made her feel calm.
Of course, it definitely helped that Harry continued to show far more magical ability than was normal for his age, and everyone was just utterly amazed at what he was able to do; Marlene was no exception to this, and her own proficiency in Defence Against the Dark Arts helped her to show Harry very simple wandless magic. This was a major bonding exercise and, in her own words, made Marlene feel "normal".
The first time Sirius heard her laugh again was about a month after she came 'home' – that is, living with Sirius, Harry, Arcturus and Gellert at Grimmauld Place – when she was alone with Harry in the dining room, and he had managed to levitate his bowl of cereal into the air and dump it on himself. Sirius, standing in the hall coming back from the kitchen, heard her start laughing hysterically, and the sound nearly made him cry. He had composed himself long enough to enter, and he started laughing too at the sight: the milk had made Harry's hair fall completely flat like he had just taken a bath, except there were little pieces of his chocolate cereal stuck in it.
To Sirius and Marlene, as they happily discussed later while still giggling, it was reminiscent of the time Lily had dumped a bowl of a very similar cereal on James' head during breakfast in their third year when he had been bothering her a bit too much. James had said to Sirius and Remus later that day that it was the happiest he'd ever been to have milk all over him, and Remus had made some lewd joke about "sticky white stuff" much to the amusement and pride of the other two.
Since then, Marlene had openly laughed many times, even in front of people outside the household, but her favourite thing to laugh about was the antics of little Harry.
Marlene's entire life seemed to now focus around the nearly five-year-old boy, and he soaked up every moment of the attention happily. She and Sirius spoiled him, but frankly so did Gellert and Arcturus. Harry was a very happy, very kind, very loved boy, with a very wonderful family who cared about him seemingly more than they cared about their own selves. It wasn't unusual for Marlene to spend her whole night in Harry's room if he had a bad dream, even though there was only room for one more adult in the tiny guest bed and she slept horribly without Sirius there.
So what exactly had happened, Alice wondered as they sat in the dining room in Longbottom Manor, for Marlene to act to indifferent about the boys' birthday dinner this year?
"Are you okay, Marlene?" Alice asked, putting her hand out across the table. "Is something wrong?"
Marlene's head snapped up to attention, and it seemed as though Alice's movements had broken her out of some long thought process. "I'm fine, sorry. You were talking about the boys' birthday, right?"
"Marlene, you can talk to me, you know that right?" Alice said gently.
Marlene smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. "I know. But I'm fine, really."
Alice wouldn't buy that lie for a million Sickles, but she decided to let her friend be. "So, what I was saying about the boys' birthday, I'm thinking we can invite more people than last year…"
About an hour later, their conversation – long derailed into something that wasn't even close to the birthday dinner – was interrupted by the sounds of Sirius and Frank returning home.
It wouldn't have been significant if it weren't for the fact that it sounded like they were arguing about something. Marlene and Alice looked at each other with the same confused expression, then rose from the table simultaneously to go towards the front hall, where their respective partners' voices got louder as they approached.
They peeked around the corner through the archway, and both Sirius and Frank were standing on the doormats, covered head-to-toe in what looked – and smelled – like swamp water, or possibly sewage. It took everything the ladies had not to laugh.
"How could you possibly have screwed it up that badly?!" Frank yelled, looking angry but with a hint of amusement. "Your Apparition used to be top-notch, Sirius! And yet you landed us in a bloody swamp!"
"I thought I was Apparating us somewhere safe, away from those loons with the enchanted Muggle things! I didn't know if a shielding charm would work, so I got us away from it. How was I supposed to know that a few miles east would be a swamp? Arthur Weasley was there with Kingsley anyways, he can take care of the rest of it as soon as they stop laughing at the sight of us, they're probably still–"
"I'm not worried about the assignment, Sirius. I'm worried about you! This assignment is part of your evaluation to become an Auror. And part of being an Auror is having a good sense of when it is and isn't okay to Apparate, or having the sense to do something other than run. You need to get control over your flight instinct, Sirius. You used to be so much more of a 'fight' kind of wizard. I'm honestly worried about you."
Alice and Marlene looked at each other again – neither of them had a clue that things were this chaotic for Sirius' evaluation. Frank always told Alice that things were going fine without going into detail, and Sirius had said it was going 'great'.
"I'm fine, Frank. I'm just tired."
"I don't think you're fine. I think you're scared, and trying to self-sabotage."
Sirius didn't respond, and he didn't make eye contact with Frank.
"Are you truly ready to be an Auror?" Frank paused before adding, "Sirius, it's okay if the answer is no."
"…No." Sirius admitted. "I don't think I'm ready. I get too anxious in the field still. It reminds me of when we were with James, and it upsets me."
"Me too." Frank confessed, and Sirius looked at him in surprise. "It scares me every time I go out there, and I even sometimes feel like James is right beside me. I know there aren't really any Death Eaters free anymore, but every time I leave I'm afraid I'm never going to come home. The War has messed me up too much. I've talked with Mad-Eye and with Rufus, and they were going to put me into more office work once your evaluation was done. I can't handle being field all the time, even though I've only been back to full-time for a year."
That was a surprise to Marlene, but not to Alice of course. She had seen the signs of stress building up for a long time, and it was her suggestion that led him to talk to Mad-Eye and Scrimgeour. Frank had been on a sort of 'Paternity Leave' since Neville was born, and had been only working part-time as an Auror until recently. Alice, meanwhile, had completely resigned from her position as a Healer at St Mungo's in order to become an Auror during the War, and had taken indefinite leave from that when Neville was born too.
"I didn't know, Frank." Sirius said, looking at him with a mix of awe and pity.
Frank shrugged. "I didn't want to scare you more." He thought for a moment, then he said, "Sirius, I think you'd make an amazing Auror. I think you need to recover a bit more before you can do the field. But if they put you on paperwork with Williamson or something smaller than what Kingsley and I do, then I think you would do really well."
"Merlin, don't put me with Williamson." Sirius groaned, and Frank laughed. "He's such a bloody idiot."
"Then you can do paperwork with me, or Mad-Eye when he's on his breaks." Frank replied.
"I get the feeling Mad-Eye is going to retire soon."
"Are you joking? That man would never retire." Sirius chuckled.
"He might switch to being a consultant. I think he's getting tired of field work."
Sirius had a thoughtful expression. "There's not as much use for field work lately anyways. I don't know that the Ministry will need as many Aurors, especially field Aurors, now that the War is over."
Frank shook his head. "There's always work, Sirius. Besides, who's to say there won't be another War sometime?"
Sirius shuddered. "Don't even joke about that. I don't know that any of us could handle it."
"It could happen, Sirius. Remember what Dumbledore said about He Who Must Not Be Named possibly not being dead?"
"I don't believe a damned word that old fool says anymore." Sirius scoffed. "It's not like Voldemort was immortal."
"Was there a body when you went to the Potters'?" Frank countered, no longer shuddering at the mention of Voldemort's name but still not comfortable using it himself.
Sirius sighed. "No. And I don't think you're wrong. I just don't like agreeing with Dumbledore."
"I know, Sirius. I don't like it either. But we've talked about this… We need to be prepared for the idea that he will return, and that he'll come after our boys."
Marlene started shaking, and Alice laid a hand on her shoulder as they continued to listen to Frank and Sirius.
"That's why I want to pass the evaluation so badly, Frank. I need to protect Harry."
"You can, and you do. You have others to help you, too." Frank smirked. "I don't think You-Know-Who would come after you with Gellert there, or your grandfather."
Sirius let out a barking laugh. "Merlin, I can't imagine what Grandfather would do to Voldemort if he tried to come after Harry. He's more protective over that boy than anyone, except perhaps Marlene. And between the two of them, Harry is safer than he could ever be."
Alice squeezed Marlene's shoulder comfortingly at those words, and her shaking subsided a little bit. Unfortunately, in her shaking she knocked over the extra coat hanger that was just by the archway into the entry hall, and it startled both Frank and Sirius, who were completely unaware that the women were standing there.
"Hi." Alice said with a sheepish grin.
"I didn't know you were struggling so much with the evaluation, Sirius." Marlene started as they sat on a couch in their own home; Harry was playing on the floor, and Gellert was off in the library with Arcturus, still catching up on what he had missed being in prison. "I wish you had shared that with me."
"I didn't want to worry you. You've seemed so stressed out lately and you still won't tell me why."
Marlene froze at the turn of conversation. "I've just been – I'm fine. You don't need to worry about me."
"I may not need to, but I choose to. That's what partners are for." Sirius squeezed her hand and looked her in the eyes. "Tell me what's going on."
Marlene looked away, directly at Harry, who was oblivious to the conversation. "I feel like I'm not good enough to be here." She blurted.
Sirius blinked. "What?"
She looked back at him. "You have such a happy little life going on – you have your grandfather back, and you have Harry, and Gellert is here, and you have visits with Alice and Frank and Neville and Augusta, and the Lovegoods with Luna and the little twins, and it just feels so wrong to be here."
"Why?"
"I'm too broken, Sirius." Her voice cracked as she continued. "I don't deserve all of this. I'm not good enough to be a partner, or a mother, or any of this."
"A mother?"
Oops.
"Er…" Marlene looked away with a flush, still tearing up. "I just meant that it feels like I'm taking Lily's place, and I'm not good enough for that role. And if we ever have our own –"
"You want to have kids with me?" Sirius looked genuinely surprised, but he also looked elated.
Marlene's expression suddenly turned much more sour. "I don't even think I can. Not after what they did to me."
Sirius stayed silent. It had taken a long time for Marlene to start talking about what had happened at Malfoy Manor, and she had never told him the whole story.
"When they took me, I was… I was already pregnant." Marlene admitted, and Sirius' hands almost broke hers as he clenched them. "I hadn't told you yet because I was planning for a surprise. They cast some horrible spells on me, and I… lost them."
"Them?"
"I don't know whether the baby was a boy or a girl." She said grimly. "They were barely there. But I definitely lost them, and it was painful and horrible. And I have no idea whether or not the damage that was done is permanent." Marlene's voice cracked again. "I don't know if I can give you any kids, Sirius."
"It doesn't matter." Sirius replied. "I don't care if you can or not. I'm just glad you're here, and I'm glad you're mine."
Marlene gave him a sad smile. "I don't think I deserve you, either."
"Of course you do. Like I always say, we're broken together."
"But there's so much more than that. I'm not good enough to be part of your family. I'm not good enough to be there for Harry. I'm just not good enough."
Sirius opened his mouth to respond, but he was interrupted.
"Mama Marlene?" Harry tapped on her knee and held up one of his toys; a little toy unicorn whose hair was tangled in its horn. "Fix please?"
A/N: I'm super sorry that it's taken forever to update. I've had some health issues recently and I'm just coming out the other end of things... Enjoy anyways, and stay safe!