Darcy,
He is a different man now.
When uncle died and after Georgie falling, I thought that William would always live by duty only. Always carrying an cold armor. Always keeping people outside of his life and heart by a perfect appearance of a perfect arrogant man.
A lesser man would hate him by his born like privileges and upright deportment. He is rich, intelligent, honorable and handsome.
Still, I could not. I have seen the pain and the labourious work of his life. He is only a man. A man burdened with an endless array of obligations.
Yet, in the past four years, he has evolved, as though the sun has risen in the opposite direction. He chose to be different, as if he had woken up to life.
Gone was his pride and his arrogant behaviour. Naturally, he remained somewhat reserved, especially with strangers. Even if he is still a quiet person, his manner has altered to the point that people are less fearful of him.
No one could guess the source of such incomprehensible change.
But I understand it.
Rosings, 1812.
Her eyes. No one can forget those. Her words. Their power of enchanting even a deaf man. Life and zeal. Her magnificent qualities.
Through Darcy, I came to appreciate and abhor the day she came in our lives. She was the one that made me realize that I could live in my hypocrisy but I could not desire for a real life by doing it.
All my life, my goal was make my name known as much as the Earldom title of my family. I was brave enough to grown through the ranks and gain recognition from the crown. But my views on marriage were hypocritical as the standards that made me a merely spare. It's evident now that she laughed at my foolish demands. Why would she not?
Soon after Rosings, I forgot about her. Even after her sister death, her name was a vague memory until the ball.
I was placed in north, between Matlock and Manchester. What made easy to be in the confort of my family home and to enjoy the community enjoyments.
It was on the ball given by the Admiral Ramsay in honour of his wife Sophie and the birth of his heir that I was forever branded.
She was there in a green dress. The admiral presented us, me his comrade and her as his cousin by marriage.
"Colonel Fitzwilliam, I would like to present you my cousin Miss Bennet. She is Sophie's cousin through the Bingley's. She is staying with my mother in law this season. Miss Bennet, I have the honour to present you my comrade and friend."
*
"Could you imagined Colonel, that girl was my sister?"
"That girl?"
"Yes, remember, the one your cousin separated from Mr Bingley, as you told me in Rosings."
"Oh no. It was your sister! What a small world. But they are married now!"
"Yes, they are. Two years."
"Good!"
"Are you here with Bingley's aunt?"
"Yes, Ms Ruth Arkwright. She is his father' sister. She is a lovely lady. I am very happy to be her companion. We had a lovely Grand tour experience!"
"It seems that you like to visit your friends Miss Bennet! In Rosings, you were visiting your friend. Now, we met again at almost same configuration!
"Yes, of course I do! They give me the privilege of meeting them at the same time that I can spending time knowing new places and people."
"After all, we, gentlewoman, can not roam alone. Besides, if we are poor our world is made from our home and whatever society and pleasures has in our local community. "
"If we are fortunate, some rich and benevolent acquaintance can enlarge our perspective by having us as companion in theirs wanderings."
"So I am fortunate of being a man and a soldier."
"No, I would not say that! How could I classify your situation by only considering your manly status? Even if someone go all the way to the Indias, they can have a limited and small world in their minds!"
" You are wise madam!"
"Not at all"
That night I was again charmed by her delightful sense and genious play of words. Her dancing and her laugh until them unkown to me played it part on my complete deference of such creature.
In the course of days, I was in the place of conquered. After so many years of making my way in the female world, I found one woman whom could made me surrender.
At Rosings, It was a passing idea: Marrying Her. Money. I let the idea go. But then, after seeing so much of the world, man's nature and society overall behavior, my soul was attracted by her innocent and yet, in some sense, real view of things.
Her compassion and sincere ways of saying truth was undermining. It was not attraction for her body but for her fascinating character.
I proposed. She rejected me.
What hypocrisy of mine. She did not forget. Money. Love.
"How could I accept you? When we desire different things in life?"
"I don't understand!"
"Colonel, what is your purpose in life? What made you the man you are now?"
" I am a soldier. I choose so. To have my honor and future preserved. This is what I am. My purpose is to serve the country."
"Then how are we to live?"
"I have money from my military service and inheritance. We can have a small state and live well, without big luxuries but well."
"Do you will forsake yours gentleman persuits?"
"Gentleman persuits?"
" Yes, the ones you used to live as son of an Earl!"
" Are you saying that I cannot live without the money from my family?"
"No. I am recalling what you said in Rosings, a poor second son has to marry well."
" I have no dowry, no prospects. Do you thing that my person is sufficient for the rest of your life? Even if things turns bad in the future? Even if we have a dozen of children?"
"Money is the problem?"
"No, not to me."
"For me it is, is this what are you saying?"
" Please, no. Sorry. I am prejudiced by the past. Is not only about money, but way of living, of our opinions and structures. We see life in a different way. Others have different expectations of me and of you!"
"Do you judge us different. No one is your equal. No man will be equal to you. No mind has the same qualities. We are supposed to adequate ourselves, to construct the foundation where we can be equal in our differences. How can you not see it?"
"What do you really desire Miss Bennet? Say yes or no to me, but be truthful!"
"I want to be free. More then marriage or love, I want to be free to choose and live with the consequences of my own choices and not be imposed by others expectations. Life is very ephemeral. I have seen in the more simple life such hapiness that no money can buy. Yet, we all have our duties and desires to contend with. It is the honour of having people around us that one can thrive and grown to be useful and honorable. Can you live with the consequences of having me by your side? Even the dreadful ones? You see, this is my fear, I can't imprison you by accepting your hand. Both us would be miserable."
"You can't love me."
"Do you desire my love?"
" I don't know! With you I felt that my life would always be fulfilled. I didnt thought about love. I thought about having a companion who would understand me and enrich life. I am a soldier, to us love is a fleeting thing. Yet, by knowing you, I felt like it was possible to have it."
"Colonel, I can not accept you. I could love you, you are a admirable man. But I could not give myself totally to you and this could kill our marriage. Please, forgive me."
The pain of not being sufficient. I could conquer the world but not her.
After that I returned home. Living as nothing happened. Recovering from such wound as destroyed hopes.
--
In that year, Darcy had invited the Fitzwilliam's to be at Christmas in his house. So all of us, including my brother Archie, his wife and two daghters, chose to be at Pemberley in Chrismas.
It was one night at Permbeley, after everyone went bed and me and Darcy had some drinks, I told him that I had surrended to marriage and was rejected.
He told me then,
"We man are very arrogant beings. All my life I had the impressiom that the day I chose to marry magically the bride would appears and accept gratefully the honor."
"I am aware of such pain, Richie. She told me how much I was far from the man she would accept as her husband. The last man in the world."
"Afer her rejection, all I could do was adress her concerns, really look at myself and choose what to do with my love for her, with my life without her."
" Her eyes will forever be impressed in my mind and her name in my heart. Elizabeth."
--
Almost five years. She changed him like no one else. For her he did fall and rise. It is strange looking at him now with my nieces.
The master of Pemberley, one of the richest single man in the country. Patiently letting them use him as a mere accessory in their house playing, in his very elegant home. Easily taken and content with them. He seems happy and old, with his night black hair and his azure blue eyes.
Fitzwilliam Darcy.
Why did you not follow her? Why you keep choosing to be alone for all those years? Why not marriyng? Why not moving on? How can you gladly accept a life of loneliness, when you can have anyone else? If you will not pursue her, why not give up?
Why Richard?