The tower's basement was dim; only the faint flame of the lantern provided any narrow visibility in the dark and leaky room, the stone walls wet from the groundwater of the nearby river. But for these few troopas, it was enough. Enough to play cards, at any rate. It was the best way to pass the time as they awaited their orders, or the alarm. And as the group convened at their usual time, they exchanged their individual pleasantries as their dealer took the cards out from under the table.
"So yeah, I'm kinda ticked off about it." Bobert said as he finished his story. Apparently someone had stolen his extra key.
"Well don't blow a fuse over it, dude." chuckled Mallet, sifting through the cards in his hand. "We can always get ya another one."
"You don't get it, man! Those keys are what keep us from actually blowing up when we go boom! If this one gets cracked or something, I'm basically useless unless I feel like seeing my granddad again!"
"How do those keys even do that though?" Turt asked, scratching an itch on his crimson shell. "Or is it one of those things we shouldn't think about, like how you can hold those cards without any hands?"
"Latter." Bobert answered, his pair of cards floating up to his eyes, almost like magic. His fuse bounced a bit as he analyzed his hand.
"What do we want to start with? One coin?" Zeke asked, discarding the empty pack to the side as he placed the deck down in the center of the table.
"One coin?" Mallet scoffed. "Come on man, we're not toads! Let's make this interesting! Five coins!"
"We only get paid ten a day." Turt countered, crossing his arms as he kept his cards face down on the table.
"So Turt's got a bad hand, might as well fold him already."
"Nah, I'm with him." Bobert said. "C'mon, this is supposed to be fun. Let's just do one."
"You can always raise, Mallet." Zeke pointed out, keeping his bony hands on the table.
"Alright, I will!" He replied, placing two additional coins on the table. "Two coin bet. You're up, Bob-bobert."
"It's not even your turn!" Turt exclaimed.
"We're not in a casino, man. Who cares?" The bomb said, tossing a trio of coins in. "Call."
"Well what happened to five?" Turt questioned.
"Well if you're all so worried about losing, you clearly don't have a lot of money to play with!" Mallet said with a smug little shrug. "Gotta make the game last, right?"
"Call." Zeke said, placing three coins down in front of him.
"Fold." Turt flipped his cards over. A three of coins, and an eight of shells. Mallet laughed, throwing his hands up.
"Did I call it, or did I call it?"
"No, you raised it." Zeke said dryly. Light chuckles came from the other two. With everyone having made their decision, Zeke slid the three top cards from the deck onto the table, and flipped them over. Before them was a four of shrooms, a five of shells, and a seven of shells. The three players still in the game briefly looked at their cards again.
"Bet." Mallet said, putting another two coins in.
"Fold." Bobert conceded, unveiling a pair of twos.
"Call." Zeke continued, matching Mallet's coins. The fourth card was turned over. A prince of stars. Mallet checked his cards one more time. Zeke simply sat, staring blankly at him. Mallet grimaced, tapping his fingers on the board.
"Check." He said. Without another word, Zeke put in two more coins. Eyes narrowing with determination, Mallet threw two more coins in front of him. The fifth card was turned over: a king of stars. As the other two looked intently at the two remaining players, they both just stared at each other, betting their final time before the showdown.
"Elders first." Mallet said, gesturing to Zeke.
"I'm only a year older than you are." Zeke replied, but nonetheless turned his two cards over: a king of shells, and a five of shrooms. Two pairs. With a triumphant laugh, Mallet unveiled his own hand: a prince of coins and a princess of shrooms. Three of a kind. Eagerly, he reached forward and took all the coins for himself. "Well played." was all Zeke said, as Turt then reached out and started to deal the next hand.
"Watch, he's gonna let it get to his head." Bobert said, taking note of the wicked smile on the hammer brother's face.
"What? Noooo." Turt scoffed, dealing two cards to each player.
"All I hear are a couple of losers salty about an expert hand."
"Three of a kind is hardly 'expert'." Zeke said nonchalantly, eyeing his new pair of cards. Mallet merely rolled his eyes with a smug grin, looking at his new ones. As the second round proceeded to the river card, a small voice from above rang out.
"Turt's looking at Mallet's hand!" The words came from the lantern, the small eyes of the podoboo looking intently at the red koopa.
"Shut up, lamp!" Turt angrily said, tapping the glass forcefully, making it lightly swing back and forth. The others groaned, as now the light was going in all sorts of directions. "And I was not cheating!"
"He was!" The lava bubble said as her glass prison stabilized over the center of the table. "And don't call me 'lamp'! My name's Peepa! P-E-E-P-A! It's bad enough I can barely sleep in this thing with you jerks gambling. The least you can do is play fair!"
"The least you can do is… whatever you didn't do that brought you here! Yeah…" Turt looked back down at his own hand, his fingers clenching a bit.
"Disobeying direct orders and general laziness." Zeke clarified, not even looking up from his cards.
"Yeah, that!"
"Oh excuuuuse me for not wanting to jump out of lava when there's literally nobody else in the room!" Peepa said, leaning herself against the glass. "Honestly, you people wouldn't get it. Just jumping up and down, up and down, all day long. You know how monotonous that gets?"
"Hey, exploding actually hurts, you don't hear me complaining about it." Bobert shot back.
"Oh? How about I bust out of this thing and light your fuse for ya, boomer?"
"Sorry babe, only my wife gets to do that." Bobert laughed, tossing more coins into the pot.
"Yo, man! Gross… I think!" Mallet said as he folded. "Is that gross?"
"Almost as gross as your ego!" Peepa spat back.
"You know guys, I really like this chick!" Mallet laughed, pointing up at her before spinning the lantern around, causing the lava bubble to start making various dizzy noises.
"Just ignore her, guys. Focus on the game." Zeke pleaded as he called.
"Easy for you to say." Turt said. "She can't hurt you!"
"Not anymore, yeah." Zeke shrugged, his bones rattling together a bit. "Still, don't let her get under your shells." As the showdown was done, Zeke proved victorious, with a straight over Bobert's two pair and Turt's single pair. Without even the hint of a smile on his face, Zeke took the pot for himself.
"Honestly, you're playing an unfair advantage." Mallet said as he began to deal out the next round. "You're just bone, you can't emote like me and Turt. At least with Bob we can read his eyes."
"Nah, he was like this even before the accident." Bobert replied, viewing his cards before placing them down on the table. "Best poker face in the regiment. If only his luck was better, heh." Zeke chuckled a bit as he took his cards, keeping them close to his shell. Turt, however, looked a bit uncomfortable.
"Hey, uh…" He began, scratching his face a bit. "I hope you don't mind me asking, but... did it… hurt?"
"My skin burned off and my organs melted inside me, Turt."
"So… extremely?" Turt asked lightly, hoping he wasn't offending. Zeke merely shrugged.
"At first. But eventually all the nerves burned away and…" Zeke made a 'poof' motion with his free hand. "Next thing I know I'm like this, kept together by magic. Magimedics are heroes, I swear. Though I do miss feeling things sometimes. And the constant checkups are annoying." Zeke sighed as the three community cards were flipped onto the table. "Just hate I couldn't give my kid a sibling before it. He always wanted a little brother."
"Ah, we'll get that plumber one of these days." Bobert said encouragingly.
"That's the worst part, it wasn't even Mario who sent me into that pit. It was that Yellow Toad that sometimes tags along." A chorus of grimaces and pained noises sung around the table. Even Peepa couldn't help but sympathize. "Yeah. I know."
"Well, at least you're alive?" Turt said. "Or unalive? Or… what do we even call dry bones, anyway?"
"Lucky." Was all Mallet said as he crossed his arms, tucking his cards in between. The others hummed their agreements. "Alright, enough with the morbid talk. I know how to make this interesting!" He reached down next to his seat and instead of more coins, he placed a hammer on the table.
"I… don't think that's legal, man." Bobert said, his eyes narrowing as he looked at the wicked grin on Mallet's face.
"Who cares? Come on, what's better than a bit of stakes?" Mallet looked them all in the eyes with determination. "Unless you're all a bunch of Luigis." He started to imitate the infamous younger plumber, putting on a fake scared face. "Oh-a no! I cannot-a put anything in because I'm-a so scared-a!"
"Man, I'm already down one key, I ain't giving up another." Bobert folded, turning his cards over. He had a three of a kind already, but simply didn't have the value to stay in.
"I have nothing to give." Zeke said, folding his high card.
"Well… I did find one of these during the last scouting mission!" Turt said, reaching into his shell. With a braggadocious thwomp, he slammed his first on the table, the all-too familiar look of a fire flower sprouting up from it.
"Wooooaah, dude! Score!" Mallet cheered. "That's what I'm talking about!"
"Turt, you know you gotta turn all power-ups in to the commander!" Bobert scolded. "What if someone finds out?"
"Or telllllls!" Peepa piped up from above, leading Turt to smack the lamp again.
"Say anything and you're going in the nearest river!" He threatened, standing and putting his face near the glass, where the podoboo merely rolled her eyes.
"Oof, ouch! So macho!" She taunted, but nonetheless relented, turning around and sulking as best she could in her confined glass prison. The round continued on as normal, and as a few more coins were tossed in by the two koopas, the showdown eventually commenced. Smirking, Mallet unveiled his hand. A queen of stars and a five of stars, creating a flush with the ace, three, and nine of stars on the board.
"Whaddya say to that, huh?" He taunted, but Turt's face never faltered. He turned his two cards over: the nine of shells, and the nine of coins. Alongside the three of stars and the three of shells on the board, he made a full house.
"Read it and weep." He said, taking his flower and newly-acquired hammer into his hands, using both to scoop the coins over to him. Mallet sighed.
"Maaaaan... I was gonna be a Fire Bro…"
"Yeah, well, next time maybe you'll go scouting and find something cool like me!" Turt said, proudly flipping the hammer in his hand. "And then you can bet it next game and give it away!"
"No one likes a sore winner, Turt." Zeke spoke.
"What? It's okay when he does it!"
"We're used to him being cocky. Stay humble, man." Bobert answered as he started to deal their fourth hands out.
"Uh… thanks, I guess?" Mallet said, scratching an itch under his helmet. The next eight cards were dealt, and as each player regarded his hand, Bobert cleared his voice.
"So… you guys ever wonder why the King keeps doing this?"
"Well that's a random thing to ask." Turt said, taking his eyes off his cards to raise an eye at the bob-bomb.
"What? Gotta talk about something."
"Dude, I don't wanna talk politics." Mallet complained.
"What's political about it?" Bobert protested, taking another look at his cards. "I mean, he keeps throwing us all at the Mushroom Kingdom, for what? What's his goal? Does he even have one at this point?"
"Oh brother, don't tell me this guy's about to get all conspiratorial!" Peepa groaned from up above, and was promptly ignored.
"So what, then? You think he's doing it because he feels he has to?" Zeke asked dryly.
"Basically." Bobert answered. "Sunken costs and all that. We all know how stubborn he is. He keeps doing the same song and dance, over and over, hoping eventually he'll get it right."
"No way!" Turt protested. "That'd be the stupidest reason for this to keep going on and on for this long!"
"Okay then smart guy, why do you think he keeps invading?"
"It's obvious! He wants the princess!"
"For?"
"You know!"
"He has tried to marry her multiple times." Zeke nodded. "But I doubt Peach Toadstool alone is the reason we keep fighting."
"So what do you think, then?" Bobert asked.
"Power. It's the usual answer for leaders who go to war. They want more power. Even if Peach is part of that, marriage would only serve to get him into the Mushroom Kingdom royal line. Then it's just a matter of fathering a kid with her, and there's your new dynasty."
"Can't the Prince do that? Like, I thought he was Peach's son anyway." Mallet intervened. The others just looked at him with bewildered faces. "What? I could be right!"
"How does a dragon koopa egg come out of a human woman?" Bobert asked. "Prince Junior doesn't even have any human features!"
"Hey man, I'm just trying to play poker." Mallet shrugged, calling his hand. "Like I said, I don't even wanna talk about this."
"Fair enough." As everyone called, the community cards were flipped: ace of shrooms, five of coins, and ten of shells. Zeke checked, Turt bet, Mallet called, Bobert called, and Zeke finally called as well. The next card was flipped: ten of shrooms.
"Feeling confident, guys?" Mallet taunted, checking his cards once more.
"Maybe, maybe not." Turt answered as he readied his coins for his call. As the players each put their coins in, Mallet smirked.
"Raise. Ten coins."
"Ten coins?!" Turt shouted. "Are you insane? That's a day's pay!"
"Hey, go big or go home! Can't take my heat, get out of my kitchen!"
"Fold." Zeke immediately said, turning his cards over to reveal two pairs.
"Fold." Turt followed, turning over a single pair.
"Call." Bobert said confidently, putting up the ten coins on the table. "You ain't winning that easily."
"Wow, you're gonna give me all that?" Mallet laughed, crossing his arms. "Cool. Maybe I can buy one of those flowers next time I'm in town." The final card was flipped. Ten of coins. Three of a kind was on the board, and Zeke and Turt's eyes quickly looked between the other two. A golden path to both a full house and a four of a kind just opened for both of them. The question of whether either could take it was still held close to both of them. Bobert put up more coins. Mallet did the same. All that was left was to see who had what.
And, of course, that had to be the moment the alarm went off.
"Oh, come on!" Mallet complained. "Just when it was about to get good!"
"Attention all units! Battle stations! Enemy approach imminent!" The intercom echoed throughout the basement, and the troopas all looked to each other. So Mario was coming. Him and who knows how many allies. It was time they earned their keep.
"Guess we'll have to settle it later." Bobert said, stepping off his chair as he began to wind his key.
"Maaaaan…" Turt whined, grabbing his fire flower and his newly-received hammer.
"Let's get going, then." Zeke sighed as the four of them all began to make their way out of the tower basement. Mallet hung back just a second longer, aiming to peak at Bobert's cards.
"Hey! Don't cheat, you hammerhead!" Peepa scolded. "There's a battle going on!"
"Oh yeah, you." He replied nonchalantly. "You comin'?"
"Me? Oh no. No, no, no! What if they got ice flowers? I'm not going against ice flowers without any lava to swim in! I'm not moving!"
"Oh, you're gonna move!" Mallet took a few hurried steps backward before drawing one of his hammers.
"Wait! Wait, hold on! I'm technically in the brig, you can't just- OH MY GOSH!" The hammer collided with the glass lantern, shattering it and sending Peepa falling to the stone floor, a small puddle of lava forming beneath her. She turned herself over, an enraged look in her eyes. "YOU'RE SO DONE!" She roared. Mallet merely caught his hammer as it ricocheted back into his hand.
"Cool rage, Peeps. Use it on Mario!" He said with a wink as he turned to run up the stairs.
"You big, stupid- GET BACK HERE!" The podoboo began to angrily hop her away over, seeking to take her wrath out on anything that dared get in her way.