Chapter 30
"Pip has been singing your praises, Zorin. The illusion training has been massively improving the capabilities of both the Wild Geese and the Hellsing Regulars. I'm very impressed." Integra said.
"Thanks. It was funny when we got Harry involved. My illusions couldn't keep up with him. I set fifty full fledged vampires and a thousand ghouls against them, he vaporized them with a wave of his hand. I thought it was some sort of new super magic he'd discovered, but it was just that he could see through my illusions and manipulate them. He made them come back and do what he called 'The Thriller Dance.'" Zorin said. Integra laughed at that.
"I sometimes forget you haven't been exposed to popular culture for so many years." Integra said. Zorin laughed.
"We're catching up slowly. I'm glad I missed out on disco." Zorin said.
"I'm glad It died when I was too young to understand it." Integra said.
"Are you and Rip recovering from your journey into his mind?" Integra asked, shifting herself into a more comfortable position.
"We are. We didn't see much he hasn't told us but .. Seeing it like that." Zorin said, then shuddered. Integra grimaced.
"Are you ok?" Zorin asked.
"Yeah, I think the baby is stretching or something." Integra said.
"I'm both looking forward to my turn and dreading it." Zorin said with a grin. Integra smiled.
"We all make up a very strange family don't we? " Integra observed.
"At the very least they'll never be bored." Zorin said with a grin.
"When are you and Rip going to start trying?" Integra asked. We're going to wait until after yours is born. Give Harry a little time to adapt to being a dad." Zorin said.
"He mentioned pregnancy is different for vampires?" Integra asked. Zorin nodded.
"Dhampirs mature very quickly. They think it has something to do with vampire metabolism combined with human adaptability. Normally it's six weeks to two-months of gestation." Zorin said Integra frowned.
"That's not fair. I have to wait a few more months to meet them." Integra said, rubbing her belly.
"Still not gonna find out the gender?" Zorin asked.
"Harry wanted to, and I suspect he has an idea with that bizarre intuition of his, but I want to be surprised." Integra said. Zorin remembered what she'd seen while drinking his blood and laughed internally. She knew that he already knew.
"You know don't you." Integra said with a grin.
"I suspect, but I'll keep it to myself." Zorin said.
"Thank you." Integra said, before standing abruptly.
"And now they're dancing on my bladder, excuse me." Integra said, awkwardly waddling into her bathroom. Zorin chuckled. Moments later she returned, and sat back down in an awkward position.
"I know I'll miss this after they're born, but I cannot get comfortable." Integra said.
"See if Harry's free, at the very least he's good at being distracting." Zorin said, giggling.
In the Cafeteria, Pip and Hermione were struggling to determine whether to be amused or terrified at the discussion Alucard and Harry were having.
"So I think a raven would be more appropriate, it is a messenger of death after all." Alucard said.
"True, however Vultures are also symbolic of death. Also they're huge, and they vomit rotting animal guts on command." Harry said. Alucard paused.
"I've changed my mind it really does need to be a vulture." Alucard said grinning.
"Now we just have to find one." Harry said, scratching his chin.
"Give me three hours." Alucard said confidently. Two hours and forty-five minutes later...
"Harry again, I really am sorry.." Hermione said.
"I know Hermione, and like I said I forgave you before I even left, I just needed some time. Did you get a chance to read over the notes?" Harry asked.
"Yes, and it's amazing in its simplicity. I never thought the weirdness of the floo network was just due to the magic being unstable." Hermione said. Harry nodded.
"Floo powder in addition to making the fire safe to stand in, temporarily and partially stabilizes it.. Just enough to get you from A to B before it collapses. By introducing the crystals and rune work, the magic stays stable on both ends. I was able to transport more than fifty people through it when we saved the orphans, and there was no change the stability." Harry said
"How are they liking the new orphanage?" Integra asked.
"They adore it. The kids miss the ducks and thestrals, but the House Elves still go over there to help out and play with the kids." Harry said.
"How are you managing The Secret?" Hermione asked.
"The kids are sworn to secrecy anyway, I mean Father Anderson is a seven-foot tall nigh immortal murder machine that can manifest bayonets out of nothing. He has raised several children to adulthood and never had trouble keeping their secrets." Harry said. Their conversation was interrupted by an unpleasant smell and a series of unsettling hisses and grunts as Alucard strolled into the room being calmly followed by an oversized vulture. Harry looked at his watch.
"You're early." Harry said.
"Traffic was light." Alucard said with a grin.
"What the fuck?" Integra demanded, holding her nose. Harry started casting spells on the vulture.
"We used a pigeon to deliver correspondence to Maxwell. With Matrograno we decided to up the ante a bit." Alucard said.
"The raven was a solid idea, but I think this will be better." Harry said.
"So you're going to use a carrion eating bird to deliver death threats to another Catholic Bishop." Integra said. Alucard shrugged.
"Harry won't let me send her to the Pope." Alucard said.
"It's a girl?" Hermione asked.
"She's a wonderful, beautiful young lady, aren't you my sweet?" Harry said petting the hideous bird's head. It crooned and leaned into his hand.
"Ok, do you still have the letter?" Alucard asked. Harry nodded and passed it to him.
Dear Bishop Matrograno,
I'm not sure how much information Bishop Maxwell left behind so allow us to introduce ourselves. My name is Harry Potter-Victoria, and beside me is my dear friend Alucard aka: thecrimsonfuckr (follow him on twitter, I still have no idea what the hell that is) We had a friendly correspondence going with your predecessor and we were hoping to continue it with you.
We just wanted to let you know that one day soon, you will wake up in a blood-soaked bed with your severed left leg shoved firmly up your self-righteous hypocritical ass. We will be there that day, recording the whole thing so that we can savor the delicious pleasure of your prolonged, horrible suffering.
Also please enjoy the present the vulture will be delivering to you. Don't bother trying to harm it, it will be heavily protected with my heathen devil magic.
Hugs and Kisses,
Harry James Potter-Victoria and Alucard ( thecrimsonfuckr)
"Perfect. What shall we call her?" Alucard said.
"How about Carrie? You know, because it sounds like a nickname for 'carrion.' Oh and we can use her to spill gallons of pig's blood on Matrograno! Can you get us like five gallons of pigs blood?" Harry asked. Alcuard looked at him like an idiot.
"Right. Stupid question. Get some soon so we can leave it in the sun to spoil before we deliver it." Harry said. Alucard chuckled.
"That's revolting." Integra said.
"That's the point." Harry and Alucard said simultaneously.
Sirius was wandering around Grimmauld place, bored to tears. Remus and Tonks were on a date, his new muggle girlfriend was working, and he had nothing to do. He was pondering seeing if Harry could whip up a magic-proof TV or something. He sighed and started walking towards his library when he passed a closet he'd never seen before.
"Wait, what?" Sirius said to himself. He looked closer and there was a little yellow post-it note stuck to the door with a note written on it.
Sirius, don't open this closet. I found your father's porn collection, it was cursed so I can't burn it so I stuffed it in here. There's some really freaky shit in there. Your dad was gross. For real don't open this door.
-Harry.
Sirius shrugged, opened the door and looked inside. It was dark, but he saw a pull string hanging from a lightbulb further into the closet so he took one step in and immediately fell through a hole. He found himself tumbling out of a doorway that seeming lead to nowhere, landing on his back staring up at Harry... In front of Gringotts.
"You're a pervert, Sirius." Harry said, helping him up.
"WHY?" Sirius yelled.
"Come on I gotta go talk to a goblin about a patent." Harry said. He lead his grumbling godfather into the bank and was greeted enthusiastically by a group of very happy Goblins.
"Emperor Potter-Victoria! It's wonderful to see you. Please come this way we have an office prepared." A surprisingly tall Goblin dressed in an armani business suit said. They followed him into a lavishly decorated office and sat down.
"Can I offer you refreshments?" The Goblin, who was identified by a name plaque on his desk that said 'Turkog'
"Do you have any of that goblin beer that made Hagrid vomit fire?" Harry asked.
"Of course!" Turkog said.
"We'll each have one of those." Harry said.
"What? No!" Sirius asked.
"Stop being a pussy, Sirius." Harry said, taking his and chugging half of it.
"Wow that's awful!" Harry said, belching flames.
"I know, isn't it?" Turkog said, downing one himself.
"So did you get my notes and the schematics for the crystal lattice and rune arrays?" Harry asked.
"Yes, and I must say it's a remarkable achievement. My sources told me that the Department of Mysteries was researching something similar before you overthrew the ministry, though they never got even close to it." Turkog said. Harry nodded.
"Their thinking is too linear, if it doesn't look possible on paper then they discarded it." Harry said. Turkog nodded.
"So the standard fee applies, 2500 galleons, and you'll get the standard patent charms, good for a thousand years, and a contract stating that should anyone steal the idea they'll be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law by our legal department." Turkog said.
"Sounds good. I'd like to proceed." Harry said.
"Harry what are you patenting?" Sirius asked.
"Portals." Harry said.
"What?" Sirius asked.
"That thing in your porn closet. You know, the thing on the floor that isn't freaky house elf porn." Harry said.
"You're a pervert, Mr. Black." Turkog said.
"Harry what the fuck?" Sirius said.
"I wanted to call them Barely Unstable Teleportation and Transport holes, but Hermione saw through my bullshit and found out I was going to call them B.U.T.T. Holes. Hmm, if we call the space that you travel through via floo Slip Space... What about Assisted Slip Space holes?" Harry said excitedly.
"I'll note that on the patent." Turkog said.
"Excellent. Come on, Sirius. Let me show you my asshole." Harry said with a grin.