Author's Note: no red roses and blue violets this time. it usually takes me a few to several hours to finish a chapter and i like to finish them way before they're ready for publishing but i was so damn sick when i wrote this, i had to take a break and it took me 2 days. my sinus/allergies were whooping my ass, i could barely focus. this chapter is so far the second longest one i've wrote. i hope y'all enjoy. please excuse any and all errors
and happy belated birthday to ciel! his birthday was yesterday :)
Warning: language, mentions of mental illness
Disclaimer:Creedmoor Psychiatric Center is a real institution, yet fictional in this context for the story. I do NOT own Kuroshitsuji/Black Butler. All rights to Yana Toboso.
Amend
Ciel didn't see Sebastian for the rest of the morning and was left at their table alone.
When Ciel had arrived back to the dayroom, Sebastian was right; his breakfast had gone cold. Fortunately, he was able to ask one of the staff members to heat up the food and they did so.
A while he thought that maybe Sebastian had only left to use the bathroom, but after several minutes went by he figured that Sebastian could've gone back to the kitchen. Lunch was in only a few hours after-all.
For the time being, Ciel finished his breakfast and then brought the chessboard up from the floor and back on the table. He took the chess piece Sebastian had from earlier and placed it in its correct place on the board and played against himself for a while.
Two games later and he eventually found himself getting board. He could only imagine how lonely it must have been for Sebastian to play against himself for all these years. He wondered how good of a player Sebastian is and wanted to challenge him to a game one of these days.
Ciel looked around the room for other activities he could engage himself with, but found nothing that would keep him entertained until lunch. He wished Sebastian was here. He found that time flew by with him. Even if they weren't talking about anything, his mere presence and silence was enough to make him feel content and put his nerves at ease.
Ciel crossed his arms on the table and put his head down. He closed his eyes, not to sleep, but to just rest and finding it difficult to. Now that he was trying to intentionally focus on silence, his hearing heightened and picked up on the background noise that he couldn't hear before when he was around Sebastian. Squeaks, creaks, shuffling, mumbling and even Pluto's pants and small barks.
He could've gone back to his room, but decided to stay, simply for the mere presence of other humans. Their background noise and presence in a sense provided a different type of comfort and Ciel just didn't want to feel alone. Also, the fear of seeing something he didn't want to see if he were to be alone; just the same as when he was in Sinai.
Ciel's chest rose and fell, finding him in a state of purgatory between consciousness and unconsciousness. It was light and despite the background noise, he was at ease. He didn't want to think of anything. He just wanted a moment to escape and forget his worries and time did fly.
Ciel stretched his arms when all patients were called to group. They made it to the dining hall. Ciel's eyes searched for Sebastian, but couldn't find him, assuming he was still in the back.
He stood in line, took his tray and sat at the table he knew Sebastian would come too. He looked down and looked at the steam coming from the fried fish and soup that sat on his tray. He cut a piece off the fish, and took a bite. He blessed Sebastian for his talent and presence here.
"If I wasn't here, the lot of you would probably be eating mush." Sebastian said.
Ciel jumped suddenly at his voice and presence, not even seeing Sebastian approach him and Sebastian smiled and sat down, Ciel noticing he didn't have a tray of his own food once again.
"It's like you read my mind." Ciel laughed. "Not eating again?"
Sebastian shook his head.
"I don't understand how you don't eat your own food. Your own food doesn't meet your standards?"
"Not necessarily. It's just that my options are very limited here. I have a certain craving that the food here won't satiate."
"What're you craving?"
Sebastian hummed and closed his eyes. "Something spicy and sweet, but bitter."
"Bitter?" Ciel frowned. "You have weird taste buds." He joked.
"You have no idea." Sebastian smiled.
"So something like... Wasabi?"
Sebastian looked up in thought and slowly nodded his head, remembering the mix of flavors he detected when eating wasabi.
"Yes... Yes, something like wasabi."
"No soy sauce with it or anything?"
"Nope." Sebastian shook his head, placing his elbow on the table to prop up his head with his hand. "I like it just the way it is. Raw." Sebastian staring into Ciel's eyes with amusement.
Ciel blushed and looked down to poke at his food. If Ciel didn't know any better, he would think that Sebastian was flirting and making sexual comments to him the way he made to William during room check. Maybe he's just trying to lighten Ciel's spirit, but why in that way? Not that, he was complaining, it felt nice and made Ciel giddy inside.
"Well, as long as you're in here you'll be waiting a long time to find something like wasabi." Ciel kept his gaze down, but felt Sebastian's eyes still on him
"I think I found it already~." Sebastian cooed.
Ciel gagged a tad and put his hand over his mouth and looked at Sebastian who had a smug look on his face at Ciel's disorientation.
"Are we still talking about food?"
"You're cute." Sebastian laughed.
Ciel's eyes widened and he turned away once more.
'He said I'm cute...'
"I don't like being teased." Ciel grumbled and took another bite of his fish.
"You're right. I shouldn't play with my food before I eat it."
Ciel inhaled sharply and clutched his chest when his food went down the wrong pipe. Coughing and trying to catch his breath, he shifted away from the table. Sebastian chuckled and leaned over to pat Ciel on his back. Two of the staff members took notice and approached him, asking Ciel if he was okay and he needed help, but Ciel told them he was okay and the only stepped away when Ciel was able to compose himself once more.
"I won't tease you anymore. I can't have you die on me."
Sebastian held his smirk as he rubbed Ciel's back for comfort, but Ciel slapped his hand away and Sebastian chuckled as he sat back down.
"Whatever..." He grumbled, taking small sips of his water to clear his throat.
"Were you able to finish your breakfast?" Sebastian crossed his arms on the table.
"Yeah, it got cold but I was able to get it heated up again."
"That's good." Sebastian nodded.
"Why do we eat breakfast in the dayroom and lunch and dinner in the dining room?"
Sebastian hummed to himself. "I don't really know. I guess that's just how William decides to run things."
"Hm." Ciel finished his fish and started with his soup. "I still want to know about the way out." Ciel reminded.
"I don't think you'd agree with it." Sebastian looked away.
"You don't know that."
"You'd have to abandon your life here in Britain, Ciel."
Ciel backed down.
"You mean a physical way out?"
Sebastian simply looked at him, and that alone answered Ciel's question.
"Sebastian... I can't leave Britain. I'd be a fugitive. That'd only add fuel to the fire and make me look even more guilty than what I am."
"Well, you wanted to know a way out and I gave you one."
Ciel sighed and cupped his face in his hands, not knowing what to say in return.
"Time moves faster that what you perceive. I don't know if you've been given a trial date yet, but whenever it is, it'll be here faster than you know it. Whatever the outcome is is what you'll have to learn to accept, because that will be your life, for the rest of your life. But if you truly believe in your heart that you've been wronged and want to correct it, you'll take whatever opportunity you're given to do so. Giving yourself a second chance when no one else will is not easy, but I do know that the reward is worth it."
"It sounds like you've been through this before..."
"It's something I'm currently going through. I just haven't gotten my reward yet."
Ciel remained silent.
"I know you still have hope."
"Is that a bad thing to have?"
"When it's wasted on the inevitable, yes. When used for a possibility, no. But I'm not going to beat your hope down and make the decision for you, as an adult you can do that for yourself. I just know that because of your hope, you haven't accepted your life for what it is... Or could be. So for the time being, I can only provide you comfort. Until your trial at least."
"...And if I were to escape, where would I go?
"I have a friend in China. Him and his lover aren't exactly stand-up citizens, but they are of great help. You'll have a new life in China. A second chance." Assurance and certainty abundant in Sebastian's voice.
A second chance would mean abandoning the relationships he's built, his education, accomplishments, aspirations, reputation. Abandoning Alois and Elizabeth. Everything he held dearly and spent years cultivating. But what is his reputation now? What is his life now? What is it to become after his trial? Being found guilty and being sent to prison, being found guilty and being sent back to Creedmoor for God knows how long. Or by miracle, found innocent and set free, only to be socially and professionally blackballed and outcasted from the fear and perception that his had of him.
But if Ciel's second chance is anything of how Sebastian describes then...
"I just need time to think..." Ciel says sadly.
"Then I won't push any further." Sebastian stated, respecting Ciel's space and letting silence sit for the rest of lunch.
Amend
Sessions were today and Ciel was riddled with nervousness.
After lunch yesterday, Sebastian stayed behind for a while in the kitchen for cleaning and dinner preparation, but met him back in the dayroom for a few hours before retiring. Again, Sebastian didn't come back until late at night because Ciel fought to stay awake in order to speak and spend time with him more.
But today, Sebastian didn't have kitchen duty and it gave him well enough time to spend with the older male.
A feeling of security was always present in Sebastian's presence and the more he spoke to him, the more connected he felt.
He wasn't tense and Sebastian had a unique aura and charisma to be able to get Ciel's guard down. Even when they spoke of nothing of importance and to pass time by, he could feel relaxed.
Every thirty to forty-five minutes, a new patient was called out of the dayroom and into the psychiatrists office.
Early morning bled into mid afternoon and each time, a patient returned to the dayroom and Drossel opened his mouth to call on a patient, Ciel felt his heart drop and Sebastian could sense it.
He laughed and had to coach Ciel into calming down. To remember that he only needed to do what he did organically: Tell the truth.
Ciel nodded and made a mental note to stick to the front of his mind, but still couldn't shake the nervousness.
The unfamiliarity with the doctor and fear of being judged, being looked at strangely and perceived as mentally disturbed bothered Ciel. Being someone who was raised to carry himself a certain way to maintain an exceptional reputation, this worried Ciel.
Perhaps this confinement is what was best for his mental and emotional wellbeing, having the rest of the world blocked out. Had he been given a bail and was able to go back out into the world, the stares and whispers would cripple him. And he wouldn't have been able to meet Sebastian.
"Ciel Phantomhive." Drossel called from the door.
"Shit..." Ciel mumbled to himself. Sebastian chuckled and placed comforting hands on Ciel's shoulders.
"Remember what I said. Just tell the truth." Sebastian reminded.
Ciel nodded and walked to meet Drossel at the door.
Amend
Large white double door's stood in front of Ciel and his heart raced. Drossel knocked on the door twice to notify the psychiatrist that the next patient was here.
"Come in." A deep mellow voice can be heard from the other side.
Drossel opened the door and gestured for Ciel to enter. His blue doe eyes wander the Victorian styled office. A distinct design of patterns, ornaments and jewel tones. Feeling as though he stepped into the 19th century.
His eyes moved to the dark wooden desk where a man set behind. A pale man with white hair, amethyst eyes and dressed in a white suit.
He looked angelic, almost.
And very familiar. Ciel wondered if this man and Judge Angela were related. The resemblance is so coincidental.
"Please sit, Ciel." The man requests calmly.
Drossel closes the door and silence fills the room. Ciel looks down at the small sign sitting on the desk.
Dr. Ash Landers
'Judge Angela's last name is Blanc, but Dr. Ash's is Landers. Maybe they are related and Judge Angela could be married.' Ciel thought.
"How are you, Ciel?" Ash asks as he flips through a few papers.
"I'm okay..." Ciel answers, picking at his nails.
"That's good to hear." Ash says calmly, placing a few pieces of blank paper on top of written ones. "My name is Ash Landers. I'm Creedmoor's part-time live-in psychiatrist."
"You live here too?" Ciel asked with a raised brow, wondering where Ash could stay and what his room looked like, if it looked anything like the Victorian Era office he sat in. It was completely different from what the rest of the buildings' design.
"Only part-time. If you could sign this for me please." Ash slides a few pieces of paper and pen to Ciel and he looks at it skeptically.
"These are documents stating that everything we discuss is confidential and only disclosed concerning another health care provider and/or your case." Ciel reluctantly picks up the pen and signs his name to where it's highlighted on all sheets. He lays the pen back down and leans back in his seat watching Ash carefully.
"Because this is our first session, this will be conducted like an evaluation."
Ciel nods.
"I'm aware of your case..." Ash folds his hands together on his desk. "And I'm aware that you've also plead 'not guilty'."
Ciel remains silent and looks up at Ash with childlike eyes.
"What I'm assuming is that an insanity plea is on the table. While my personal feelings don't matter, I remain unbiased in this when it pertains to my profession. I'll be conducting two evaluations. One now and another before you go to trial. If your defense is using the insanity plea, your diagnosis from my final evaluation will be significant in court."
Ciel could feel the nervousness possessing his body as it did earlier.
Ciel removed his gaze from Ash and looked over the items on his desk, looking for things to indicate aspects of his personality.
"Just as in my profession and concerning this court case, I remain neutral. I'm neither on your side or the prosecutions. The only thing I need from you is: your cooperation and honesty."
"Okay..." Ciel agrees in a soft voice.
"Perfect." Ash smiles.
He picks up a new pen and on a blank piece of paper write today's date, current time and Ciel's full name.
"Most of the questions I'll ask you, you've already been asked at Sinai." Ash notified before asking Ciel of current and past psychiatric problems, social and medical history. A lot of what he was asked when evaluated at Sinai and Ciel answered honestly just as he did before.
"From what I've gathered so far Ciel, nothing in your past indicates you've suffered from any mental disorder. Much like another patient here, you've lived a fairly normal and content life, but seems as though something... struck a chord in you that-..."
"No chord was struck in me. I didn't kill my parents." Ciel interrupted.
Ash just looked at Ciel. Reading his eyes, face and composure that spoke of someone who was now on defense.
"Tell me what happened that day, Ciel." Ash leaned forward propping his arms on the desk, giving Ciel his full attention.
'Why bother?' He thought. 'What's the point of talking and telling my story if no one will listen?'
But someone listened. Alois and Sebastian, they listened. They believed in him, but how likely was it for everyone else? But then he remembered Sebastian's advice. Ciel needed to steer clear of prison. While perception did matter, Ciel needed a perception that would keep him from landing behind prison walls, whether that be a guilty or non-guilty verdict. So, Ciel would tell Ash what happened that day. Once again, he'll tell the truth.
Moments of silence pass with Ciel staring down at the floor, tracing the carpet pattern with his eyes, but Ash remained patient until Ciel spoke.
"It was the final day of the semester. I left with my brother and cousin and drove back to my house. My brother and cousin left and I went to bed. A few hours later we had dinner and I went back upstairs to go to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night to my house on fire. I ran to my parents room and it looked like they were already dead. I got hit across the head and passed out." Ciel paused and Ash nodded and wrote quickly on his paper.
"And that was the time you disappeared... Where were you all that time?"
"I don't really know. I woke up in a cage."
"A cage...?" Ash's brow raised.
"I was in a cage in a dark room. The only thing I could see was a table and a door and that's only because whoever put me there left a light on."
Ash kept a steady eye on Ciel for a few seconds before writing again.
"I guess I was in there for a few weeks to a month. My kidnapper never let me out the cage except once."
"What was the occasion?"
Ciel looked down at the patterned carpet again and chewed his bottom lip. He let out a small humming laugh, sadness filled his eyes as he thought about the cruelty of what his kidnapper did; turning a day of celebrating life into a traumatic reminder of fear and suffering.
"My birthday if I were to guess..."
Ash's eyes darted over to Ciel's file and found his date of birth right under his name.
"December 14th. You were gone for around a month and this kidnapper let you out the cage. What happened after that?"
"He left me wash myself for the first time I was in there, but I think that was only to make him branding me more painful now that I think about it."
"He branded you?"
"Yeah..." Ciel kept his eyes down.
"I'm sorry, Ciel."
Ciel said nothing.
"Is that who you think killed your parents?"
Ciel nodded and for a while, Ash said nothing as well.
Honestly, the silence was unsettling.
Furrowed brows of curiosity, uncertainty and deep thinking rested on his face and Ciel wondered what the man was thinking; If he thought that he was crazy or lying.
Ciel's eyes roamed everywhere in front of him, except for Ash and set on something more unsettling than the silence. Goosebumps waved across his body and his eyes went dead.
A large dagger sitting directly above Ash, in the middle of his two windows and the center between two other daggers that were just as large.
'No...' He thought.
Ciel squinted as hard as possible. He gripped the arms of the chair and steadily leaned forward. The creaking from the chair made Ash's eyes snap up at Ciel.
Ash looked back trying to pinpoint what Ciel was looking at, but remained confused. Frankly, the behavior was odd and making him concerned and slightly uncomfortable.
"Ciel..." Ash called in an attempt to get the young man's attention.
Ciel's bodied remained inclined forward and his grip on the chair arm was firm.
"Are you okay?"
"No..." Ciel said breathlessly.
"I'll get you some water. I just need you to relax. Please." Ash said standing up.
Ciel watched Ash with careful and defensive eyes as the man maneuvered from behind his desk and out of his office. Ciel's head snaps back to the dagger.
Ciel stood up and strolled behind the desk with his eyes locked on the weapon. The closer he got, the more he squinted, seeing light scratches from the soft glare of the light.
Ciel's eyes widened and his heart sank, an overwhelming feeling of dread when he saw the same silver cross-guard and golden grip that his kidnapper held.
Not even realizing that he had grabbed the dagger, Ciel's mind went blank and burning tears filled his eyes in shock. So much so, he didn't realize Ash had re-entered the room.
"Ciel?" Ash called.
Ciel tired his head with tear filled eyes. His mouth slightly opened and trembling.
"What are you doing?" Caution in Ash's voice as he slowly approached.
Ciel's body cemented to the floor, unable to move and the same exact same feeling of dread, uncertainty and primal fear permeated him. Through his watery blue eyes, the paleness and brightest of Ash and his attire quickly faded and was replaced with darkness. Ash's face merged with the mask worn by his attacker and his initial appearance of relaxed composure and meekness washed away.
"Please put the weapon down." Ash put a hand up to create a distance and shield of defense and also signaling to Ciel he is not a threat.
Ciel had not moved and his eyes locked onto Ash's trying to find a hint of his kidnapper in the man before him.
"You did this to me..." Ciel's left hand moving to his burn mark.
Ash stopped just a few feet from Ciel and sat the cup of water down on his desk beside him.
Ash looked at Ciel with pitying eyes, realizing Ciel was most likely having an episode of delusion or some form of an episode of trauma or mental distress. Ash stood as steady as possible, not wanting to prompt Ciel to harming himself or lashing out.
Ash slowly raised his hand to show Ciel he wasn't a threat.
"I'm unarmed." Ash stated loudly. The doors to Ash's office opened carefully as two staff members entered.
"I'm not going to hurt you, Ciel, but I need you to please put the weapon down." Ciel's gaze was completely locked on Ash, he didn't see the two staff members enter the room and steadily approach him.
"It was you..." Ciel mumbled.
Before being able to comprehend that he was being apprehended, the knife carefully but swiftly removed from his grip.
Ciel now feeling the pressure and heaviness of the two men holding him down, forcing him to kneel on the floor, tears fell from his eyes and Ciel tried pushing back, but to no avail.
"Let me go!" He cried, feeling helpless. Ash strolled over to the two men and Ciel. The man with the dagger handed it back to Ash and tightened his grip on Ciel as he continued to resist.
Ash held the dagger in both his hands, examining it, looking for whatever Ciel found in it to draw his attention and make him so upset.
He looked down at Ciel and his now flushed fast and disorientation. Putting together in his mind of what could be Ciel's train of thought, he sighed.
'Such a sad sickness...' Ash thought pitifully.
"God bless this child..." Ash lowered his eyes at Ciel; a cue to the staff to sedate Ciel. His breathing slowed yet his heart pumped rapidly. With him calm and practically limp, they lifted Ciel firmly in their arms. He continued to fight back verbally, but his speech began to slur so much that he was intelligible.
Carrying him up to a different unit of the hospital, they brought Ciel in the 'safe room' where he is expected to cool down and will be monitored until a release date that Ash felt was appropriate.
They laid Ciel down gently on the bed and he stared up blankly at the padded cream colored ceiling. Clinking could be heard as the men straightened the belts on the bed.
Ciel turned his head with half lidded eyes and a slightly opened mouth to see Ash standing a few feet from him with a stoic expression and arms crossed, watching him being restrained. It wasn't too tight to where it was uncomfortable and but it was firm enough to prevent Ciel from hurting himself.
The men stepped back as Ash stepped forward and rested a hand on Ciel's head for a few moments before stroking.
"Rest child. God is with you. Until I return, just rest." Ash spoke softly with a small smile, his hand lingering on Ciel's soft locks of hair.
Ash turned away and the staff members followed closely. Ciel's narrow gaze on his unpleasant expression remained on Ash, even from the small door window, until the doors shut softly with a loud click.
'He pet me...'
Amend