Dawnstar had been such a starkly peaceful contrast to what everyone had been used to.
Ever since those strange nightmares stopped for reasons unknown, the city was much more viable to be visited by travelers and merchants. It was much more lively.
And the Companions stopped here often when they had contracts up north. It was a good haven, especially now.
They left the tomb soon after they were done.
The remaining spirits were… surprising. Kodlak's spirit whined and whimpered in fear, but it wasn't scared of their weapons. It almost seemed like it welcomed them. That only reassured them further. Werewolf or not, Kodlak was not meant for the Hunting Grounds. He knew it for a long time. And his wolven spirit knew it too.
Their father was different. It actually lied down when it appeared and it rested peacefully until they brought their weapons on it. Strange. The departed spirits were so much calmer than their living ones. It was hard to wrap their heads around all these different… reactions the wolves showed them.
But the important thing was that it was done. Many wrongs were righted.
And even though Aela knew it did not make up for what she had caused, it did, hopefully, at least make it a little better.
Now they could at last bury Kodlak as befit. And then they could discuss the future of the Companions.
It was going to be a difficult and painful discussion with everything that had passed. But it might also be a new beginning they sorely needed.
But for now, their main mission was to recuperate after their ordeal in the tomb.
The court wizard accepted them, as always. She did have her hands full with them though. They all needed her services and they had to stay there for several hours.
But they were done eventually. Good as new. Physically at least.
Farkas and Vilkas still felt a little bittersweet about losing their wolves. Vilkas more so than Farkas. But they both had something to cling to – the afterlife they'd been imagining after talking to Kodlak.
And the old man was now where he belonged. He was home.
It was time they headed to theirs too.
As they left the White Hall, it felt like they were seeing the town for the first time. They came here in such a haze after the battles. They were fortunate that they found a mechanism to open a door in the large hall that led straight back to the statue of Ysgramor, but several ghosts appeared there to attack the 'intruder' again. So they got more wounds under their belt.
But it was all worth it. And now they looked around the town with fresh eyes and at last some energy returned to them.
"What happened there?" Farkas's eyes focused on the charred houses some distance away from the longhouse. A fire? It didn't look like a fire. Only the roofs were charred. What kind of a fire started on the roof?
"Hmm," Vilkas pondered for a while as he watched the roofs too. "Looks like…"
"Dragons," a guard standing near the longhouse entrance interrupted him instead.
"There was a dragon attack?" Farkas raised his brow. It was not very common for them to happen in towns. They heard all about Rorikstead and Alduin, which was very disturbing on its own, but nothing about an attack on Dawnstar.
"Yeah, yeah, nobody cares about us here up north," the guard grumbled. "And of course the Dragonborn only comes here when it's all over and no dragons show up while she's here. Of course she kills those in Markarth and Rorikstead, but nobody gives a shit about us."
What? That was a lot of weird information at once.
"Markarth?" Farkas raised his brow. There was a dragon in Markarth?
Vilkas wanted to ask more about Rorikstead. With what was going on with the Silver Hand, Kodlak and Aela, they didn't really concern themselves that much about these disturbing events. But before he could, Aela interrupted his intent with a different question.
"The Dragonborn was here?" Her voice had a strange tone to it. As if she wasn't even sure if she wanted to hear the answer.
"Left like a day ago. Maybe a bit longer. I saw her traipsing away again one morning," the guard scoffed. "And of course the dragons leave us alone while she's here, but just you watch. They'll be back. Anytime now."
Aela stiffened at his words instantly and they all knew why.
Aeyrin was here. Very recently. That meant… they could catch up with her, most likely, wherever she went. Aela could talk to her like she intended to.
But now that that was an actual option with real possibility of coming to pass, the nerves set in.
"That's… quite a coincidence," Farkas mumbled, unsure what else to say. He wanted to see the pup to make sure she was alright after being cured. He was so convinced he wanted this and he still felt a little odd now. And he knew that Vilkas did too. They should make sure she's alright.
But Aela suddenly looked like she was unable to even move.
"We don't have to go look for her if you don't want to," Mjoll gave Aela a sympathetic look.
"Well… we probably should," Vilkas sighed. "But you don't have to come too."
"No… I… I need to," Aela sighed. "I need to face her. Whatever happens."
"I don't think she's gonna kill you," Farkas chuckled a little nervously, but Vilkas gave him a doubtful look. They talked to her right after the first transformation. She would have been ready to do such a thing then. If that was the case now, who could say?
"I… wouldn't blame her," Aela lowered her eyes. "I hope she will listen, but…"
"We'll try to calm her," Vilkas reassured her. Maybe it would be better now that she was cured.
Or maybe worse.
If Aela could anticipate her reactions in any of this, things would have gone very differently after all.
But she couldn't hide herself from this. No matter how hard all of this was, she needed to try and face everything she had done and try and make it at least a little better.
What else was there to do now anyway?
…
"Princess, come on, don't be like that," Bishop sighed, nudging her after a while of walking in silence.
She was definitely furious alright. He hadn't seen her like this in a long time and it was kind of heartbreaking that this was because of him. He didn't regret his actions, which probably only made it worse that he didn't think he had anything to apologize for, but he knew she would be mad if she ever found out.
He didn't think it would happen like this though. It was disturbing to say the least. First she looked really off and squirmed as if in pain. And then she just… started to yell at him. She still didn't really say what happened. She didn't even acknowledge what this probably meant. Was she just cured of her lycanthropy? Did she just get all her memories from the transformations back? Why was she not focused on that? The very thing she wanted for so long. It was so weird.
"You kept doing exactly what I asked you not to," she growled at him angrily. "How did you expect I would react?!"
She didn't know how else to react. She didn't even exactly know what just happened.
From the pain and the strange sensations, along with the memories, she gathered that she got cured of Lycanthropy. But she felt like… she should feel differently. There was this strange feeling in her ever since she got cursed with this horrible thing. Like she wasn't really herself, ever. Even when she was having fun or doing something pleasant, there was this feeling in the back of her mind that something was wrong with her.
It took a long time for her to even begin accepting it. To even begin thinking that maybe, there was a small chance that she was not a horrible monster. That she was just… cursed with something she needed to live with for a while. Something she could even make use of in very dire situations, under strict supervision.
But now she found out that the supervision was not that strict. She trusted Bishop and he risked his life so much every single time she transformed. He purposefully pushed and pushed against even the meager safety measures she insisted upon.
She didn't feel like she used to. She wasn't even sure that she was cured. She thought she would be able to tell instantly because she would feel like herself again, but she didn't. There was still a strange feeling in her.
Maybe it was the memories.
She couldn't even concentrate on the implications. She couldn't concentrate on the fact that her soul was likely free from Hircine at last. That she would be able to Shout again and that she would be able to… save the world.
Was that it? Maybe that was why she felt like this.
The relief of likely not being a werewolf was meager compared to the fear that accompanied it. And the horrible self-hate.
The fear of the fact that there was not much standing in the way of her facing Alduin now. The Moth Priest was safe at Sky Haven Temple and she could probably Shout again. She hadn't tried. Maybe she was scared of confirming it.
There might be progress in no time and maybe, she would need to fulfill her destiny then. The mere thought of that filled her with horrible dread.
And the self-hate, that was probably the worst part. All the acceptance she had been working towards was all gone now.
She was a monster. A horrible monster. She remembered it so vividly now. She mauled a Redguard man in the streets of Whiterun within seconds, tearing into his chest. Then she ripped a guard's throat out with her teeth. Just because they were in her way. Just because she felt this… bloodlust that could not be quenched.
She remembered watching Bishop and she remembered countless images in her head of doing the same to him. She remembered being so terrified. Every time he got nearer, she was so terrified she would do it. She tried to scare him off, but he didn't listen.
He never listened.
She remembered tearing into vampires left and right. It was such a confusing thought, but she remembered the satisfaction the most. With each of those monsters killed. She never felt like that during battle. She felt satisfaction at killing horrible things, but… she never felt it so intensely. Never like she was quenching a thirst that was almost painful.
She remembered feeling exactly like that when she killed those men in Ri'zhassa's basement. And she remembered imagining doing the same to Bishop so much that it hurt.
She remembered watching a scared little Khajiit cower before her. She remembered being worried about her. But she also remembered feeling so powerful like that. As if the fear pleased her. The fact that she was a monster to be feared pleased her.
That was insane. Why would she like being a terrifying beast?
And then she remembered the commanding voice of Bishop. She remembered the feeling that accompanied it. Fear of letting him down. Fear of hurting him because he lost the control he was convinced he had.
Would that be so surprising? It appeared that the only reason he even could control her was because she wanted him to be pleased with his 'taming progress'. Because she wanted to make him happy, despite the fact that he had a monster to look after now. He was not taming a mindless beast. He was taming one that was fully aware of being 'tamed'.
But these emotions, they were like they happened to someone else. She remembered them vividly, but they sounded insane to her. All of them.
They were not her emotions. Not the things she would expect herself to feel and do. That made them unpredictable. Dangerous. They could have warped into something else entirely any time. The desire to make Bishop happy could have turned into a desire to want to feel more powerful than him in a second. It could have turned into wanting to scare him just like she did the Khajiit girl.
He claimed he understood her when she was turned. He didn't. He got lucky. He was toying with something beyond his comprehension entirely.
And now, when she remembered how happy she did actually make him, she also felt… jealous. Somehow it felt like being cured would disappoint him. It felt like he was enjoying his time with the werewolf so much, she was taking something away from him.
Maybe he liked that thing better than her. He had always been content being alone with Karnwyr after all. And now, he had her, but she never argued with him, never let him down, never made problems for him by getting into dangerous… well, alright, the last one wasn't true. But still.
Maybe she was afraid to confirm that she was cured for that reason too. Would he be disappointed? Would he miss the werewolf?
What else could she do but concentrate on her anger when all these other emotions threatened to overwhelm her?
"I was trying to help," Bishop sighed again. "We know that the others can control it and I thought I was helping with that. I did everything safely and…"
"You didn't do anything safely!" Aeyrin scoffed at him. "You approached it constantly, even though you knew that thing was faster and stronger than you. You let me loose! I could have killed that Khajiit girl, just like I killed…" she stopped herself. She couldn't finish that sentence. She couldn't think about how brutally she reveled in all that slaughter.
"You wouldn't have killed her," Bishop shook his head, so convinced of his own imagination.
"You don't know that!" She scowled at him fiercely. They stopped in their tracks in the middle of the road near a standing stone. They changed course a while ago because they suddenly had another place to be.
Bishop stopped in his tracks and faced her too with a determined frown on his face.
"I do know. You were just trying to scare her. I know what you were like when you…"
Don't tell him, don't tell him, don't tell him.
"You don't. You don't know what I was like. What that thing was thinking! I know now. You have no idea how much it kept wanting to kill!" She didn't want to disappoint him now with this too. She didn't want to take away the memories he thought were right – of him getting to actually know that beast. Seeing something in it that wasn't there. At least it felt like it wasn't there. She did not want to kill the girl, but she remembered imagining it too.
This was so confusing.
The expression on Bishop's face broke her heart a little. She knew she shouldn't have told him.
"You're wrong," Bishop tried to shake off his disappointment quickly. "If you wanted to kill, you would have. Not like anyone could stop you. Why didn't you then?"
"I… I don't know," she huffed in frustration. This was messing with her head too much. It was a monster. She saw it. But it didn't want to kill Bishop. It would have if it did, right? She couldn't explain it. "But why would you even do any of it? Why would you get so close to me? Why would you let me loose like that? And… why wouldn't you tell me?!"
"Because you would react exactly like this and then just tell me again not to do it so I would feel even shittier for doing it. I was helping. I was making things better, even if you don't believe that. Fuck, you have to remember the progress we made with all of this. Why would I risk erasing it when it was helping you? You even started to remember lately."
"Right. That must have been terrifying for you, wasn't it?" She scoffed. "What if I remembered the wrong thing, right?"
Bishop flinched a little. She was not wrong, he did worry about that. He worried about this. What was the point in denying it?
"You know what, yeah," he growled. "It was. Not like I wasn't happy you're remembering shit, but when I knew this was coming, why wouldn't I worry about that? Next thing I know, you would be chasing me away again and refusing to be even around me when I was doing this."
It was a valid concern on his part. She would have. She definitely would have made him leave, no matter how much that would break her heart. But it would have been for his own good.
This suddenly felt painfully familiar though. She didn't want to think of it that way, but she couldn't help it.
"So once again you keep things from me because you're worried about my reaction and you make all the choices for me instead," she spat. He promised he would never do this again. He promised her that he would not take away her choice, that he would never keep things from her that were so important. He admitted he made a mistake then, but now it was like it never happened. He was clearly convinced he was not in the wrong now.
Bishop's determined expression fell instantly at her words.
Fuck. He didn't even think of it that way. He… he did kind of do the same thing as when he kept the bounty from her and the existence of Thorn. To protect her. Or… to help her.
And they found themselves here again. In the same fight. Why did he not feel like he did something bad this time? He realized he had before. But… no. This was fucking different! This was not about her. This was about… a version of her. A version she didn't know back then and couldn't make judgments on.
He took away her choice because he knew it would be the wrong one. He knew better than her in this and…
Aaah, shit his own thoughts made him sound like an asshole.
"You… you wouldn't have listened," he sighed. It wasn't her fault. She despised werewolves because of her teachings. She wouldn't have understood, would she?
"Thank you for giving me the chance!" She snarled.
Shit. Bishop needed to calm this down before it became very bad again. Should he admit he made a mistake? Did he? He was still not convinced of it.
"What would you have done if I told you?" He knew the answer to that. And so did she.
"I would have made you leave! For your own good! You were insane! How could you risk yourself like this? Did you even consider what could have happened? How would it feel to wake up from that and find you dead in front of me?!" She felt tears spring into her eyes at the mere idea of it.
"For my own good, huh?" Bishop sighed. "How is that different then? Would you have not taken away my choice in that?"
"This wasn't supposed to be your choice! I was the dangerous one!"
"And I can choose to risk that danger," he shook his head. She was not a danger to him, at least not later on during her transformations. But she would have still chased him away stubbornly, no matter what.
"It's up to me not to endanger someone I love! It's not your decision to…"
Before she could finish the sentence, Bishop's eyes suddenly narrowed and he very quickly unclasped his bow from his back.
What?
Did he just snap? Was he gonna shoot her or something?
Bishop notched an arrow in almost record speed and she already recognized when he readjusted the weight of his pack on his back to shoot. He was standing right in front of her when he aimed, only a very small margin away from her.
His arrow flew somewhere in the bushes. But that was that.
What was he doing?
"Something's there," he snarled after he hit precisely nothing.
"So you just shoot without even checking?" She scoffed at him. She kind of suspected that he just did that to distract her from the fight.
"What the fuck do you expect?" He growled in frustration. "I was just ambushed by more fucking lunatic assassins! Did you want someone to attack you from behind while I take my sweet fucking time wondering who that is instead? We gotta be more careful now, for fuck's sake! Did you already forget that you're…"
"Just stop, please!" A voice suddenly came from somewhere east of them, from within the bushes and trees.
"Ice-brain," another voice sighed.
They recognized the voices instantly and they stared at that place. There were a lot of trees and bushes by the road, but soon, two figures stepped out from behind the thick trunks. It was baffling that they were even there in their heavy armors and Bishop and Aeyrin didn't notice. Maybe they were a little too distracted with their fight.
"I'm not an ice-brain! These were the most fucking uncomfortable minutes of my life. I'm done waiting," Farkas snarled at his brother.
What? How long were they in there? And why? Why were they hiding like this?
They were listening to their fight? What the fuck?
"And now we're all uncomfortable. Well done," Vilkas grumbled. Both brothers made their way out of the bramble and stepped onto the road at last.
"Why the fuck are you eavesdropping on us?" Bishop growled. This was the last fucking thing he expected to happen right now.
"'Eavesdropping'?" Vilkas scoffed. "I'm surprised we didn't hear you fighting all the way in Dawnstar."
"We only heard them when we were almost here though," Farkas shook his head, eliciting another exasperated sigh from Vilkas. "What?" Farkas shrugged. "It's just weird not hearing so well suddenly."
"Why not just walk on the road like normal fucking people then?" Bishop groaned. This was weird. Why pretend otherwise?
Farkas and Vilkas shared a nervous look, but someone else answered. A voice came from the bushes where Bishop had shot his arrow in the first place.
"That's… my fault."
At that point, Bishop notched another arrow and aimed once more and Aeyrin turned around sharply with both a hateful and an incredulous look on her face. That wasn't a deterrent. Aela stood up and brushed herself off before walking a step away from the bushes with surprising calmness. Her brows were creased and her face regretful though.
"I'm sorry. I was just… scared," she gave Aeyrin an apologetic look. "I was hoping we could just… gouge your reaction now to see… how dangerous it was for me to show my face around you. But… that was cowardly. I need to face this, no matter what."
Aeyrin didn't feel like she could talk. She didn't expect to see that face ever again for some reason. She didn't expect to see the woman who ruined her life for months. Maybe longer. Those memories would haunt her forever.
She just kept staring at Aela incredulously. She was here. She came to 'face' her? Why?
"Come on, mongrel, put the bow down," Vilkas interrupted the silence.
"No. You fucking did this!" Bishop growled at Aela. Unlike Aeyrin, he had no trouble finding his words. "You fucking knew what this meant for her and you did this anyway. Did you save me just to get her to come and do your little fucking ritual?!" He couldn't help it. He felt betrayed. He thought Aela saved him from the twins and the bounty because she thought it was right. Because she wanted to. Because their 'friendship' meant something. It clearly didn't.
"No! No. I didn't lie. It wasn't a trick," Aela quickly shook her head. "I didn't want them to hunt down a fellow hunter who deserved my respect just for some old grudge of theirs."
"Hey! Let's not get into that now," Vilkas groaned. That was the last thing they needed to rehash.
"No. Saving you had nothing to do with this," Aela re-confirmed. "But you're right. I knew what it meant to her and I thought I knew better anyway." She hung her head low in shame.
"Familiar?" Vilkas smirked at the two of them.
It was an uncomfortable thing to hear. They had been fighting about the same thing. Bishop knew what keeping himself safe from the werewolf meant for Aeyrin and he just thought he knew better. And she thought she knew better by trying to keep him away from it, even though she knew how much he just wanted to do this to help her.
But this could not even compare.
"How can you even say that?!" Aeyrin suddenly turned her hateful glare at Vilkas as she found her voice. "How is that the same thing?! We're fighting because we want to protect each other! She ruined my life to please that fucking Prince of hers!"
Vilkas clearly decided not to respond anymore lest he makes things worse with his quips. Aela didn't stay silent though.
"I won't lie. It was a part of that. I knew what it meant to you, but… pleasing Hircine is not exactly the reason I did it. It was… a bonus. I… I suppose it was a habit. I believed that lycanthropy would make everything better. You would be faster, stronger. You would have a weapon in your arsenal that nobody expects. I knew you would have a hard time accepting it, but… I thought you would. I did not expect your reaction."
"Oh. I'm sorry I keep disappointing people who anticipate my reactions!" Aeyrin threw up her hands in exasperation. This again? Seriously?
Bishop flinched at that comment, but he did lower his bow. Obviously this was shaping up to be a different kind of fight.
"That's not what I meant," Aela quickly shook her head. "You… you showed me how wrong I was. I don't mean… it wasn't a good thing. None of what me and Skjor did to you was good. But it showed me how arrogant I've been thinking I know what's good for you."
"You could have just listened to us and it wouldn't have happened like this," Farkas shrugged at Aela, somewhat peeved.
"You could have just fucking told her what was going on and it wouldn't have happened like this!" Bishop instantly barked at Farkas.
"No. This is not on them," Aela quickly interjected. "They did what they could to stop me without endangering anyone else, including the entire Circle. This is on me."
"It is on you! What do you expect me to do?! Forgive you?!" Aeyrin snarled at her hatefully. How could she ever do that?
"No. No," Aela responded, still with that regretful look on her face. "I know you can never forgive me for this. I… I have paid tenfold for my mistakes with everything I held dear. But it does not excuse what I did."
"Skjor's dead," Vilkas clarified what she meant.
That just made Aeyrin feel… strange. She was even angrier that this was thrown out there for sympathy, but she did feel some sympathy. She couldn't even imagine losing Bishop. That was why his risks with the werewolf were so painful for her.
But why did she have to play this card? Was it even related to what they did? Did it even matter?
"Nothing excuses what you did," Aeyrin scowled. "Why did you look for me?"
"I… needed to face my mistake," Aela lowered her head.
"Oh good. Feel better then? I'm glad I could help!" Aeyrin growled at her angrily. Who was she helping but herself here? She was just trying to ease her own damn conscience. That wasn't a good thing. It wasn't noble or honorable! It was shitty.
"No… and I wasn't hoping to," Aela sighed. "I should never feel better about this if only not to repeat the same mistake again. I wanted to see… I wanted to see you cured. To see if I could at least make up for some of it."
"How is that different?! You're still just making yourself feel better about this!" Aeyrin yelled.
"I… I don't know. You're right. I came… for that, but maybe I was wrong to do so. I don't know what else to do," Aela sighed in defeat.
There was nothing she could do. The damage was done and the cure wouldn't undo all of it.
"She dedicated everything to finding the cure after what happened," Vilkas tried to interject again, but he only earned a hateful look from Aeyrin. More excuses for her.
"No. Not soon enough. If I had, maybe Kodlak would be alive," Aela shook her head at herself disparagingly.
Kodlak was dead? What happened?
That… that wasn't important. It was, but Aeyrin would not get distracted from this!
"Nothing you do will make up for this," Aeyrin snarled again. "I don't know what you're supposed to do either, but I'm not here to make you feel better about the shit you've done to me."
"You're right," Aela nodded slowly. "I know it's not worth anything to you, but I am sorry. For everything. I… I'll go back to Mjoll," she turned towards the brothers.
"Go. We'll meet you two later," Vilkas nodded. Clearly those two were staying and Aeyrin was gonna get really angry if they were going to try to make more excuses for Aela.
This was for the best. It didn't feel like her anger at Aela would ever wane and she needed to not see face in front of her anymore. She did not want to be a monster again. She did not want to have those angry thoughts about Aela that kind of made her feel violent.
Before Aela left, however, she looked at Bishop with the same regret in her eyes.
"I'm sorry I made you think it wasn't about you. It was about you. I was angry at you too, but… I couldn't let them… do that. Or myself."
"Just go," Bishop sighed. He didn't have it in him to forgive her for what she did to Aeyrin and all the pain she brought to them through it. But… he couldn't pretend like he wasn't feeling a little better about that. He really thought she only saved his life to get Aeyrin's gratitude. He was glad that it was not the case, though he was so fucking pissed at her it probably didn't even matter.
Aela turned around and walked away promptly. The area was enveloped in an uncomfortable silence before Aeyrin threw kind of an angry and questioning look at Vilkas.
"We… thought this might be good for both of you," he sighed. "And it was her decision to face you, even if you… reacted differently. She asked us not to interfere if you did."
"Like if she wanted to kill her," Bishop scoffed. Yeah right, as if they would let her.
"Yeah. Not that we would have listened…" Vilkas smiled a little. "It's a mess. She did a horrible thing and she knows. What else is there to do now?"
"I don't know. Why are you still here?" Bishop gave them a curious look.
"To talk. To tell you what happened. To make sure you're alright now, which… I guess you're not," Vilkas gave Aeyrin a nervous smile. Sure, they witnessed the fight before. They clearly knew Aeyrin was not on cloud nine after being cured.
"Wanna sit a while?" Farkas motioned towards the platform upon which the standing stone perched. "This could take long."
It wasn't a bad idea. It was kind of a time for a meal and they could spend some time actually cooking one on a quick fire instead of grabbing rations.
Hopefully it would help ease the atmosphere a little.
…
"And that was it. When we came to Dawnstar to get healed, we noticed the charred houses and a guard complained about you being there at the wrong time – very recently," Vilkas continued to explain. He was filling their ears with everything that happened since they last saw each other.
That was six months ago during Aeyrin's first transformation. It was insane that it'd been this long.
He told them about Skjor's death, Aela's state of mind and her insane revenge on the Silver Hand that led to Kodlak's death. That didn't exactly endear her any further. He told them about how she dedicated herself to the cure and their journey to Ysgramor's Tomb afterwards.
It was strange to hear it all. Now that Aela was gone, Aeyrin almost felt numb listening to this. Like it was some story that didn't pertain to her at all, even though she was a reason for a lot of it.
It was just exhausting. All the anger, all the fighting. She got it all out, or at least it felt like it. She couldn't muster more of it now, not even when she heard about the reason for Kodlak's death.
"She didn't wanna cure herself too after all this shit?" Bishop raised his brow at Vilkas curiously. She kept blaming herself for letting her ideas about lycanthropy consume her empathy, from what Vilkas said. Maybe Bishop misunderstood though. Maybe she didn't blame what she was.
After all, he knew it didn't change a person. It never changed Aeyrin, thank the fucking Gods.
"No. She wanted to run the Grounds. She wanted to be with Skjor when she goes. And she felt like she doesn't deserve to take the cure away from someone who wants it and needs it more," Vilkas explained.
"She's right about that," Aeyrin scoffed. There were people who didn't actively turn others against their will who surely deserved the cure more. Like people who got turned against their will, if there were more of them.
"Maybe," Vilkas nodded thoughtfully. "She didn't really want this anyway. Ever. Not like we did. Not like Kodlak did. I guess… now everyone's what they're supposed to be."
"Yeah, just with a few more scars to show for it, right?" Bishop scoffed. He acted like things turned out alright. They didn't.
"Everything went to shit, what do you want me to say?" Vilkas scoffed. "Everyone made so many mistakes."
"Yeah. Why keep fighting about this?" Farkas nodded. "We don't want to ruin the family we have. So what's the point of fighting about it when we all know it was just… mistakes. You gotta just move on at some point."
Aeyrin and Bishop shared a brief uncomfortable look. That was… insightful.
The look didn't escape Farkas's notice thought.
"Why are you two barking at each other because of this shit? We caught… the gist of it. You were in a shitty situation you didn't know how to navigate. Just give each other a break. We're doing the same," he shrugged noncommittally.
He wasn't wrong. Aeyrin just felt guilty now. She focused on the anger because it was the easiest part of this to focus on.
"Yeah. Look on the bright sides," Vilkas smiled. "You're cured, pup."
Aeyrin nodded. She was cured. It still didn't feel like it. Maybe it didn't dawn on her yet.
"How are you feeling?" Farkas gave her a concerned look. "The memories… they were rough for me. I can only imagine…"
"Yeah… they're not great," Aeyrin mumbled. She wasn't sure what else to say about it. It was making her so disgusted with herself. Even if she thought about it in the way that it wasn't her then… how could she have been so weak to let that happen? How could she have been so weak to let that monster take so much control away from her? There was clearly some of her left – that's why she didn't just kill everyone. Like Bishop.
She remembered so many of those feelings though. How much she wanted to kill someone. Like Serana. Gods, she didn't think she ever wanted to rip someone's throat out so much just for the way they smelled. It was overwhelming.
And those were just the feelings. The images, they were a whole other thing. The pictures in her head depicting all those mangled corpses left in her wake.
And that taste in her mouth. She felt it after. She remembered it. But now the memories made it all the more vivid.
"It's just fresh now, pup," Vilkas smiled at her comfortingly. "They'll fade into the background over time."
"How would you know?" Farkas scoffed at him disdainfully. "You've been in control from day one. You don't have any memories to get over. No memories of losing that control."
Farkas was right. Vilkas couldn't understand it. He had no idea what this was like. Aeyrin wished she never remembered those lost moments. Funny. She had been so distressed about not remembering them, about not knowing what she'd done during the transformations. Now she knew that the ignorance was bliss. She didn't want to know what she'd done. She didn't want to know how she'd felt.
"I guess. I can't know exactly," Vilkas sighed in defeat. "But I figure it's like getting really damn drunk, right? And you do weird stuff during the night and then it starts coming back to you. Do you just beat yourself up over it so much?"
"Yes. It was my fault I got drunk," Aeyrin scowled. That analogy didn't really work. Who wouldn't feel bad in that scenario?
"Well… I would figure you were just not yourself. But if you wanna look at it this way, sure. But you didn't get yourself drunk in this scenario. Someone else got you drunk and you couldn't stop it," Vilkas shrugged. "Why are you to blame then?"
"It was still me… I think," she sighed.
"When you don't control it, when you don't even remember it, then it wasn't you, right? How can you be something you have no control over?" Vilkas pondered again.
It was a strange question. She could have thought about it that way before, but not now when she did remember everything. Those were her memories now. She couldn't just shrug them off and say it wasn't her.
"I guess I got myself drunk then," Farkas grumbled morosely. "You know, pup, there's this girl. Gwendolyn. She works on the farms on the outskirts. And I keep thinking… if she was there that night…" he gave Aeyrin a pained look.
Yes. She understood that. She kept thinking the same things. Aside from the guilt from the first night, she couldn't stop thinking about what would have happened if Bishop was around in the Imperial fort with all those vampires. Or if he went with her to Jorrvaskr and waited for her outside. He would have been dead. And anyone else could have been, not just skooma dealers and thugs and vampires. She had two innocent people as victims of her raving madness. It could have been so many more.
"Why keep thinking about the could-have-beens?" Vilkas shook his head. "What is the point of that? It didn't happen."
"He's got a point," Bishop finally piped up. He didn't really understand agonizing over this stuff either. "Why keep thinking about what could have happened when it didn't happen?" Aeyrin kept saying she could have killed him with the risks he was taking. But… she didn't. Why go over it again and again when it didn't happen?
"I don't know, to learn from it?" Aeyrin shrugged. "Isn't that what you just did? In Dawnstar With the… uhm…" she paused, not sure what to reveal.
"Assassins? They heard that," Bishop scoffed. They definitely overheard that part – that was when they interrupted. She had a point. He did agonize over risking his life like that, especially with the new… circumstances. But that was different. "The assassins aren't going anywhere anytime soon though. I can learn from that. The werewolf is gone. You will not learn anything by dwelling on it."
"What's with the assassin talk?" Vilkas raised his brow. "Who's after you two?"
"Just me. For now," Bishop huffed. It was surely only a matter of time before those fuckers would endanger Aeyrin too.
"Ah. That makes more sense," Vilkas smirked. "So what kind of assassins? Some hired muscle from someone else pissed at your stellar family?"
Bishop was not willing to elaborate here. There was no way he would tell them the truth about this, even though they overheard something already. Why would he? They weren't some fucking buddies bonding here. These two were here to check on Aeyrin. And just a while ago, they were the ones trying to kill him.
Though he definitely preferred that over the fucking Brotherhood being after him.
"I fucking wish," he scoffed. "At least that would make more sense." He was kind of used to people being shitty to him because of his family name. The Brotherhood bullshit… that was just ridiculous. Those fuckers should have left him alone the second he refused them.
Vilkas and Farkas shared a brief look, communicating like that, but it wasn't clear what about. Then Vilkas spoke again.
"You know, we did tell all the other Companions to disregard that bounty," he sighed. "It was unfair. I think most won't try to claim it, if it comes to that."
"You still tried to kill me," Bishop scoffed. Now he wanted to act like some fucking benefactor of his? They wanted to kill him. Just a few months ago they tried. And if it wasn't for Aela, they would have succeeded.
"Haven't we talked about this already?" Vilkas scowled a bit, clearly frustrated with the topic he brought up himself. "We should have considered the circumstances more. You didn't exactly give us many reasons to change our mind but… not like you were responsible for… what happened. But loss does strange things to you, I guess."
"Torban does strange things to people, loss or not," Bishop sighed. He was surprised how little anger he felt towards them. He was definitely angrier when it all went down and when he heard their idiotic reasons for trying to kill him.
But now? He felt just… numb to it. Torban making people crazy. Same old, right? He made his siblings even more insane with the whole 'tainted blood' shit. He just… brought it out in people with everything he did.
"What?" Vilkas scowled at him, clearly confused at what he meant.
"Never mind that," Bishop shook his head. There was no point in rehashing this bullshit. Not any of it. "You're just… not the only ones to obsess over that fucker. If you don't try to kill me again, I'm good."
"I told you, the bounty doesn't interest us," Vilkas confirmed. "It was a legal way to…"
"Get your revenge. Got it," Bishop sighed.
"He's dead. It doesn't matter who did it. Who made him pay," Vilkas nodded resolutely. "As long as he paid for all the shit he'd done."
Silence spread over their little provisionary camp after that. They didn't bother much with taking out everything. It was the middle of the day and there was plenty of time for Bishop and Aeyrin to get to Morthal and for the brothers to go back to Dawnstar to meet up with Aela and that Mjoll person whom Farkas described as 'Vilkas's lover without the loving'. They didn't know what that meant, but it clearly got an annoyed reaction from Vilkas and that was probably the point. They didn't question it further.
So now they were just sitting there with a small campfire and some stew brewing.
"Oh, pup, I almost forgot," Farkas smacked his hand on his head. "You remember that weird wall in Dustman's Cairn we came across? The one you said you learn the Words from? There was one like that outside the tomb."
Aeyrin nodded absentmindedly, barely even registering his intention. She was more focused only on the Words, not on the fact that he just gave her a location of a Wall. She was just focused on the fact that she would be able to use them again.
All of them. Whatever that meant.
"We could go back to Dawnstar too," Bishop shrugged. "Or is Winterhold closer? We can grab a carriage from anywhere." They were planning to take one from Morthal, but it didn't really matter much. They had one destination in mind before they could get to Windhelm and the quicker they got there, the better – so a carriage was a good option.
If they were in service now. They had trouble with that in Riften, but it's been a couple of days. How long could anyone stall the travel like this?
"Sure. We can do that," Aeyrin retorted, still a little lost in thoughts before she mumbled mostly to herself. "Guess I should get as many of them as I can when I can Shout again now." Any more weapons in her arsenal were a good thing, with what she would soon be facing.
"What?" Vilkas raised his brow at her in shock. "What do you mean you 'can Shout again'?"
Oh. Right. They didn't know. The only person she had ever admitted this to was Kodlak. And she begged him not to tell anyone. Apparently he honored that wish.
What was the harm in saying it now? Now it wouldn't cause some insane panic, right? Or make her sound like a completely useless waste of a good prophecy or something.
"The werewolf blood, it… made me lose control of my Shouts," she sighed. "I couldn't Shout anymore. If anything worked, the effects were… minimal."
"Wait… you weren't a Dragonborn anymore?" Farkas gaped at her in shock.
"I was, I just… couldn't Shout," she explained.
"If you can't Shout, how come you are a Dragonborn then?" Farkas still didn't seem to understand. This was a little frustrating.
"Because she can kill dragons, dumb fuck," Bishop rolled his eyes.
"That's… fuck," Vilkas shook his head incredulously. "She was so convinced it would all make you stronger. And it took away so much."
He was right. Aeyrin thought the same thing many times before, but for some reason, it hurt a little to hear it. As if 'so much' of her were some otherworldly abilities.
She kind of wished all of that was gone now. The werewolf, the Dragonborn. All of it.
Maybe she just needed to get used to it all over again.
It was all so confusing and she was tired of it. She was tired of questioning who she was, what which abilities meant to her. She just wanted to be a normal person. Right now, she wanted to forget all this and take Bishop and hide away somewhere from the whole world. The imminent destiny suddenly felt so overwhelming when the main obstacle was gone.
"We really shouldn't tell Aela," Farkas shook his head with concern. "She's beating herself up enough as it is."
That elicited a deep scowl from Aeyrin. She could never beat herself up enough for what she did.
"Let's… not do this now," Vilkas instantly intervened before Aeyrin could say something. "We'll discuss this later. It's just… good that you're back to yourself, pup. To what you're supposed to be."
Was she? Was she supposed to be this, really? After everything that happened in Rorikstead and all the expectations people laid out on her, and the blame they spat at her for not being everywhere people needed her… she felt like a disappointment again. The Dragonborn nobody wanted. Like they should have all gotten their muscular heroic Nord instead.
"Yeah, you'll need all the weapons in your arsenal. We heard about… Alduin," Farkas scowled again.
Right. Alduin. The ever-present doom that everyone and their mothers knew about now.
She really didn't want to think or talk about this.
"So… what will you do now?" She asked instead. They had a lot of turmoil thrust upon them too. Kodlak was dead. It was still a little hard to believe. The man was so kind and he led them all to the cure. He helped them so much. At least now he was cured as well.
But that meant that they had no Harbinger, right? And what would they do next? Would they still continue to turn people into werewolves, despite regretting it and curing themselves later? Except for Aela, that is. What would she do? Would she do this horrible thing again once the dust settled?
"We don't know," Vilkas sighed. "We'll have to figure out how to go on from here. What to tell the junior members, who to have as a Harbinger, whether to… change our ways after all this. My head hurts just thinking about it."
At least they were considering changing their ways. That was good. Nobody should become this thing against their will. It begged the question of what did the cure mean for them. Now that they went through it all voluntarily, would they do it all again?
"How… how do you feel?" Aeyrin asked curiously. "You've been werewolves for so long."
"Like I lost something important," Vilkas sighed. "I miss the senses, miss the power. But it's worth it. I feel… less burdened about the future."
"I was a little worried every time I turned," Farkas piped up. "Not a lot, just a little bit. There was a little doubt about me losing control again. Now… that's gone. It's a relief. But more than that is gone. I miss it. But I'm glad."
"And now that we know the cure is… limited," Vilkas pondered. "It's gonna be a tough decision, whether to give someone the option. It's not bad for everyone. Aela and Skjor thrived and wanted to run the Grounds."
"For now," Aeyrin scoffed. "Kodlak changed his mind only when he got older too, right? What if they change their minds then and there will be no helping them anymore? It's a horrible thing for everyone." It was an eternity in the service of a Daedric Prince. Why did nobody get that? She was pretty sure the Hunting Grounds weren't some pretty place to run and hunt. It had to be a nightmare. All the planes of Oblivion were horrible, right?
"That's… a disturbing thought," Farkas shuddered at her words.
"I don't think you're right," Vilkas shook his head. "Sure, people can change their minds about this, but maybe we'll be regretting our choice in the afterlife too. Maybe we'll miss the power and the hunt too much. Who says everyone wants peace for all eternity? Some want to be challenged. And our decisions are never certain to make our lives better. Whether you make the 'good' one or the 'bad' one in your eyes. It's all just… a matter of perspective."
Aeyrin shook her head at him. She couldn't imagine the Nords in Sovngarde lamenting not serving a Prince's entertainment. But maybe he needed to tell himself that in order to feel better about the people who were still bound there. She could leave him in that.
"I'm looking forward to some peace," Farkas smiled wistfully. "In life too. This was so shitty, I just wanna go to the farm and stay there for at least a month."
"Hah! You're turning from a wolf into a house pet already," Vilkas chuckled at him, only eliciting an unapologetic shrug from his brother.
It was a nice thought. Aeyrin really wished she could do that. She remembered instantly the honeymoon thing that Lydia mentioned. A month away from all the troubles. It sounded so nice. She wasn't sure if she and Bishop could ever manage that though. And… where? They had no place to hide themselves in from the dangers. Not Whiterun, not with the bounty. Not Solitude with the conspiracy and Jordis making things weird for them. Not Riften now that they left the house to Raven. They had no sanctuary to retreat to anymore. It kind of made her sad and jealous of Farkas and his farm. Or this Gwendolyn's farm, to be exact.
"We'll see what the fates bring, I guess," Vilkas nodded thoughtfully. "We'll have a lot to deal with now. But, pup, after what we heard… well… if you need our swords, we're here for you. You're still one of us."
"Thanks," she smiled at him softly. It was nice to know there were more allies out there, but she had been receiving offers of help left and right. None of it helped right now. The more people would try to thwart Alduin's plans, the more dangerous he would get. It was very likely. Aeyrin couldn't march around with an army at her back.
It was a little encouraging how calm everything's been after Aela left.
She barely even felt angry at Bishop anymore. She wasn't sure what happened.
Maybe she really realized there was no point in being angry about the could-have-beens. Or maybe she was just tired of it.
It was time to try her best and concentrate on the brighter sides of this.